I have been married for 5 years and we have 3 children. For the first time in our relationship I am working a full time job and making more money than my husband. He is working part time and says that he enjoys spending more time at home with the kids. However every week when payday rolls around he gets very grumpy and upset when he sees how much my paycheak is compared to his. I like the fact that he is staying home with the kids more cause I am not the stay at home type of mom. On top of this he won't clean the house. I work 60 hours a week and then come home and have to do all the cleaning and laundry. I am always exhausted and feel like I am always grumpy. I have tried talking to him many times about just picking up after himself and the kids but he doesn't get it. The house is spotless when I leave and when I come hom it looks like a hurricane went through. I clean about 2 hours a day and my house is not by any means looking like a museum. I don't know how to make him understand that 1. It doesn't matter who makes the money as long as we can afford to live and 2. That there is no reason that I should be the maid. Please Help!
The money issue has been resolved. He is planning on going back to school now so I think that if he can just get out of the house more than he is now it will make him feel more productive. In the matter of the housework, I have tried the strike thing in the past that many of you suggested. This does not bother him and in the long run I have more of a mess to clean up than if I would have just spent the time every day cleaning. I sat down with him and had a long discussion about the house work. The house is still not spotless, and never will be with 3 kids, but at least it is at the point where I can have people over without being embarassed. One day a week we do a big clean together. The other days of the week we just straighten up and make sure there is nothing major that really needs to get done. The kids are also helping in this. We established the rule that if they don't pick up their toys every day from the living room and kitchen then they get thrown away. It didn't take long for them to learn this. As far as their rooms go, they must clean them once a week and they are keeping their dirty clothes put in their new laundry baskets that they got to pick out. So far it's working great. Thanks for all your help!
Girl that is how they are. Even if you both were making the same amount they always make a stink when it is time to pay. Ignore it because you can not afford to not pay the bills because the women are always responsible but when it time for them to go out anf get beer and hang out there is never a problem then HUH!!!
HELLO, I THINK YOUR HUSBAND NEEDS TO LEARN HOW TO COMMUNICATE, NOT JUST HEARING, BUT LISTENING AS WELL. JUST EXPLAIN TO HIM THAT HE WOULD FEEL THE SAME WAY IF IT WAS HIM WORKING THE LONG HOURS AND COMING HOME TO NO DINNER AND A TRASHED HOME. AND, I CERTAINLY AGREE WITH YOU. IT'S NOT WHO BRINGS HOME HOW MUCH BUT RATHER THAT THE BILLS ARE BEING PAID. I THINK HE SHOULD BE GREATFUL TO BE ABLE TO STAY HOME WITH THE KIDS, THEY GROW UP RIGHT BEFORE YOUR OWN EYES, AND HE WOULD MISS A LOT OF MILESTONES AND WOUL NOT BE ABLE TO GET THOSE PRECIOUS MEMORIES BACK!
Kelly, I know exactly what you are going through. That letter looks like I wrote it 2 years ago. I love my husband but he is a slob when it comes to the house. I worked part time and he worked full but whenever I left him with our 2 kids, it looks like a tornado hit. It was a source of many fights because I couldn't keep up with the mess and it stressed me out and made me very angry at him. For the longest time I was reluctant to get a cleaning lady because of the expense and at the beginning he was reluctant to pay for one too but I became so grumpy and stressed I decided to get one anyway. She comes in every other week for a day to clean and my stress level eased. My husband also realized how better it was for our relationship. I also had to adjust what "neat and clean" meant to me. Its just had with small children around.
I am 24 years old to and the mother of one but I have 3 step children. If I were you I would go on strike also. I went on strike for almost 2 weeks. The only thing I did was dishes and the laundry for my daughter and I. He finally got the hint and started to help me. However, if talking to him once more does not seem to clue him in go on strike for now...
My husband and I are in a very similar situation. We have slowly come to terms with it. First and foremost is that the time he is home with the kids is more valuable then the money he "could" be making. He is making a legacy through his children rather then the checkbook. I would suggest focusing on the positive when talking to him. Marriage is a partnership, whichever one is lacking the other needs to pick up the slack. As for the housekeeping. I was on strike for a week. I did what I was able to do without going crazy, if it was not satisfactory with my husband, I said then do something about it! He has to help with the housekeeping. It is his house and children too.
K......I also am married to my highschool sweetheart...I have just gone back to work and have the same issues....he still makes the money but makes me feel like mine is nothing to our family..but now he is the one home and to do dinner and clean...and well he thinks he helps but doesnt...I am stressed out all the time and grumpy too and that is mot me...I guess we both just need to have some sort of laying down the law so to speak...let me know if things change ....if I fint the miracle we both need I will let you know too...good luck
K.,
I have a similar situation with my husband. I only have one child, but if you were to look at my house you would think 12 of em were running around wild half the time. What I find works the best, as far as keeping the house somewhat tidy is having my daughter be responsible for the stuff she pulled out during the day. She's three, so this will work for your three and six year old. I have a chart on which she gets a star for picking up her toys, making her bed etc.... little things that she can handle on her own. She know's that by doing this everday she earns stars and when she reaches 100 she has earned a trip to Chuck E. Cheese.
As for the husband, I've been married for 6yrs and am still trying to figure that out. I'm sure he feels pretty overwhelmed when he's with the kids by himself, because lets face it, the kids always want Mommy. A couple of things that have been helping have been the fact that he's on the same page about the chore chart and I leave him a short list of what I would like to have done for the day. Sometimes it's start a load of laundry, run the dishwasher, etc..... Little things that he feels he can fit in with taking care of the little one. It's not a panacia, but it's a start and it does take some of the pressure off of you at the end of the day.
I left this on someone else's that had almost the same question, and instead of typing it again, I just copy and pasted, so if you already read it, sorry.
My husband and I lived in the basement of my parents house for almost the first 3 years of our marriage. He stayed in our rooms and did NOTHING! He stays home with our kids and at that time worked just weekends. He had it easy. He left garbage all over, didn't do laundry, nothing. He would just take care of the kids, and when I came home, I would feed them, bathe them, put them to bed, clean and do laundry. He would stay downstairs and play videogames. We finally moved out to our own place in April, and we had a long talk. He wasn't happy with where we were living, so he withdrew and hid, while I had to take care of everything. We decided who would do what, and we stick to it. I bathe the kids, but he puts them to sleep at night when he's not working. I do the dishes, and he takes out the garbage. I pick up our apartment, and he vacuums. I clean the kitchen and he cleans the bathroom. We split everything evenly. The only thing we didn't split was the laundry. I do laundry at my mom's on Sundays when he's at work, and I bring it home folded. He puts away all the kids clothes and his, and I put my own away cause I am very particular about it. This works very well for us. Every now and then I will come home and the garbage is full, or there is a bowl full of food on the counter or the dirty clothes are on the floor, but we work as a team. That's what you need to do. Sometimes just talking to them, like I did to mine, helps clear the air.
K.,
I'm sorry that this is a wedge between you. Money never should be, but it happens all the time.
1. Make sure your husband knows not only how proud you are of him in what he does professionally, but in his ability to be a great father, a great husband, and that he is mature and enlightened enough to be able to care for and nurture the kids without feeling like his masculinity is threatened by it. Make sure he knows how much you think of his contributions to the family and his great influence on the kids.
2. Are you in the financial position to hire a housekeeper once a week? It's $50-75 per week, depending on where you live and how big your house is. Maybe even every other week. It would lighten the load, which would make you haqppier, and maybe if you were less focused on the housework and who does what, he would be a little more willing to give up some ground on the issue.
It's amazing what we turn into power struggles. I totally see your point, if it were the other way around, and he was working 60+ hours a week, while you worked part time and stayed home with the kids, he would absolutely expect you to shoulder the brunt of the housework. Your expectations are not unreasonable, and they're not unfair.
On the other hand, while it's not necessarily logical and rational, I can see how your husband is feeling. He already feels displaced from the traditional male breadwinner role, he's at home making peanut butter sandwiches and changing diapers instead. Now you want him to be a housewife too? Somewhere in your husband's head is a picture of Michael Keaton in Mr. Mom holding a naked toddler while wearing his wife's ruffled apron. There's no manhood in this anywhere.
Did you share housework between you before you had kids, and were both working? If so, then remind him of how well you worked as a team back then, how running a dishwasher isn't a statement on manliness, and how important it is that little boys seee that a man can be a nurturer and a responsible parent and caretaker. REmind him that if he doesn't want his daughters to wait on some man hand and foot, while he does nothing to help around the house, she has to have a positive example. Remind him that his kids will model themselves as men, and their expectations of a life partner if you have girls, after him. Doesn't he want them to see themselves as 50/50 equal partners in a relationship? If he does, then he needs to be a role model for it.
Good luck. Male ego is not a fun thing to have to work around.
Jess
