A Question to Stay at Home Ladies

I am so sorry things are the way they are for you. It seems to be deeper that he will not help you. Is he trying to make you miserable so that you will go back to work? You are supposed to be a team no matter if you want to be a SAHM or not. Does he spend anytime with the girls?

Hello,
I am going through the same thing. Instead of hunting, my hubby goes to the garage then comes to pack his lunch and goes to work. He hates me going anywhere and for him to watch the kids. I dont have any answers, but, you're not alone.

I am not a SAHM but this sounds terrible! None of the men I know treats their wives like this. It sounds like he needs a kick in the butt. Are you or is he close with his mom? Sometimes mother-in-laws can be helpful by talking to him about the way he should treat his wife and family. Or, if he has a friend you can confide in to speak with him. I think it sounds like you need outside intervention because he has a distorted image of roles and responsiblities. When my baby was born I first took a maternity leave, then my husband took a paternity leave. We both agreed it is much harder to stay at home raising a family and keeping the house together than it is to go to work everyday. You need support.

S. - I too am sorry for your situation.

It sounds to me like your husband is very bitter about your decision to stay home. It sounds like he feels he wants you to work and because you won't he is "making you" do all the work around the house, child raising, along with being a little unkind in how he is speaking to you.

If this was my marriage, I would be very unhappy indeed. Like other Moms have responded to you, I strongly suggest you try to work this out with him somehow. Counceling? You cannot go on like this. It could break up your marriage.

To answer your question about what I do as a SAHM. I take care of my children all day while my husband is at work. When he comes home at 6PM, he 'takes' over generally while I make dinner. He gives them their baths and puts on PJ's. On weekends we parent together. We both do laundry, clean the house, do grocery shopping. My husband does all of the lawn care, takes the trash to the curb everyweek, but sometimes I help him.

My husband would love it if I could bring home some $'s... But he doesn't want our kids raised in a daycare situation. I imagine when our kids are in school, I'll try to figure out some type of job for myself.

I hope things get better for you. I hope your husband can turn around his way of thinking. My prayers are with you, dear.

Hi S.,

I have been a sahm most of my son's life. I do work part-time out of the house now that he is in school (16 hours a week). My husband was like yours in many ways and it drove me crazy also. It's not that my husband refused to do anything, it's that he thought that if I wanted him to do something that I would have asked. He didn't see it as his "resposibility". The one time I approached him, when I was at one of my breaking points, and told him that I can not do it all. We came up with jobs that he was in charge of (trash, putting away his own laundry and windows). Since then we have also added a few more chores. I think since he knows what is expected of him, he does it without me having to ask him. I'm not sure if this will work in your situation or not since it seems like your husband does have some resentment about you being home all day and not working out of the house. It seems like he feels like it is your sole responsibility.

What would your husband do if all of sudden you said that you were going out on a "girl's" night and he needed to watch the girls? If you don't give him a choice in the matter then he would have to watch them. You need to start somewhere in order to get your "own" life. We all need this. We aren't just a wife and Mom. Take baby steps with it and eventually it will be known to him that he is also responsible for taking care of the children.

L.

Hi S.!

All I can say is follow your gut. If you feel it's not right, IT'S NOT. The division of family labor should, probably, never end at financial provisions. I know it doesn't for me! I am a lousy housekeeper, a horrible cook and who knows what I am screwing up in our children's heads BUT, when I go to sleep every night, I know my husband has my back; I know I can rely on him no matter what the need. He doesn't always come through and sometimes he does kicking and screaming but everyone has to know when enough is enough!

Good luck!
Terri

I have been a stay at home mom since my daughter was born over 4 years ago and no that is not how things work in our house. I am very lucky that my husband has no problem with me staying home. He knows that I work 24 hours a day at home and helps with things like bathtime, bedtime routine, clean-up after dinner etc. I plan and prepare all meals, take care of the kids if there is a problem during the night so he can be rested for work but on the weekends we share this responsibility. He knows that these children are his too and he realizes that a marriage is 50/50. I can tell you though you aren't alone. I talk with many other stay at home moms who are in a similar situation. They end up doing it all and feel like it is there responsibility for being home. My husband and I were older parents and maybe that helps some. I hope you get some time to yourself soon or get with a group of friends who can all pitch in! Staying at home isn't easy no matter how much you love your kids. Just remember you do deserve a break!

My mother told me the story of a woman in her neighborhood who was dealing with this problem. She went on strike for a whole week. The children were of school age and when her dh got home she would leave for the evening. She did no housework or anything for a solid week, even putting a sign in the front yard that she was On Strike. Maybe you need to consider something like that... He certainly came around after that week.

Husbands of SAHMs need to be reminded sometimes that we don't sit on our bums all day, that their clean clothes and well-fed children are not accessories to their careers.

Personally, I decided what jobs I didn't particularly like and gave them to my dh to do. He takes out the garbage and cooks when I don't feel up to it (he owns a restautant, so it's right up his ally to take over that for me). He declutters and takes our laundry oto the basement and puts his clothes away. As the kids got older, they took on more responsibility, but you aren't there yet. Everything still falls onto your shoulders, so it's up to you to delegate if he won't step up and offer. Short of that, at least take off for a weekend when he doesn't work and tell him you expect everything to be clean and orderly when you return.

My husband works 80 hours a week and commutes 2 hours a day. I have a son who is almost 2 and an infant daughter. My husband still manages to help me out around the house. Quite frankly, stuff wouldn't get done if he didn't help out. We did start to have some issues when I was pregnant the second time, he was stressed from working so much after being promoted. I forgot to have his laundry done one day and apologized but reminded him that I can't do 100 things a day without his help. I listed everything I do, and how I also don't get time away - at least he's alone in the car every day, I can't even pee by myself. He saw my point and agreed to do a few things - dishes in the dishwasher, clothes in the proper laundry bin, and every other week on his day off we clean a room for an hour together. Now, he does a lot of other stuff voluntarily. He knows if I'm happy, I keep him happy. Good luck, it shouldn't fall all on you.

My husband helps out around the house even though he works all day. He also spends time with the girls when he comes home. He realizes that I'm not superwoman. You are a stay at home mom, not a slave. I think your husband is being inconsiderate of your needs. I agree that you do need time to yourself. He obviously gets time to himself. His defense of it was your choice to be a stay at home mom is a poor one. It doesn't give him the right to stop being a husband or a dad. As for the sex, tell him that since you are a stay at home mom and you do all the housework and take care of the kids that you are too tired for sex. I'll bet you he'll help out real quick!

Hey S.,

I can completely understand your situation. I am a stay at home mom also. I am taking classes and working at my church day care a few hours a week. Add that onto dealing with my son all day long and all the cleaning and I feel like I deserve some time to myself every now and then. My husband does do the cooking which helps a lot. But it's so frustrating to have the house in perfect order until he walks in the door - then there's clothes and trash everywhere!! And it feels like I have to ask permission to do anything without my son. It's almost like he's doing me a favor to watch him while I go to class or work (and sometimes I just have to take him with me to work). I have to schedule way in advance to do anything without my son. Is it really "babysitting" when it's you're own kid?!! And my husband stays on the computer all evening long when he comes home from work, then goes to bed. That's his "me time". I'm up until 1 or 2 am just to get things done around the house and to have time alone. I have become very stressed out and bitter over this recently. It was really affecting my attitude. I decided to just make him sit down and talk to me. We talked for over an hour and really cleared the air. We both understand the other's point of view and things are a lot better! I didn't read them all, but judging by the amount of responses you've received, we are not alone in feeling this way! I've come to realize that it's not that our men are behaving this way to spite us or purposely disrespect us, they are just not as detailed and thoughtful as women are. That's why it's necessary to communicate honestly and compromise.

I hope that somewhere in all of these responses you find a solution or a start to fixing things. Please don't allow yourself to become consumed with stress and anger. You're no good to anyone that way!

Please let us know how it works out for your family!
~J.

I am not a stay at home mom but I can fully appreciate all that you ladies do. I think it would be much harder taking care of kids than working...in my opinion. I hate to be so blunt...I would be very upset if I were in your position and I would not tolerate that type of thinking. I do not like guys who belittle, are unappreciative, and resentful toward stay at home moms. I would recommend you go away for a weekend and let him stay at home with the girls. I think he'll learn to appreciate REAL quick. I would also recommend some counceling, because I'm sure he doesn't feel that what he is doing is a problem. A therapist can tell him that it is, in fact, a big problem. It sounds like you have 1. communication problems, 2. Lack of respect, and 3. Little Man syndrome (he needs a "Mommy" to take care of him...ie you pick up after him).

Good luck to you and I commend you for putting up with that so long. I know I couldn't have.

Your husband is a jerk. There is no nice way to say it. He is trying to force you to go to work why? What the hell does he call what you do? And who does he think is going to do it if you start back to work? Frankly if I were you I would start thinking about demanding a change...either he changes his attitude or his address. Your children do not need to watch him treat you like an indentured servant just because you choose to stay at home. If there is no financial need for you to be out in the work force why does he want you out of the house?

I have been married for over 17 years now and we have three girls. My husband changed diapers, did midnight feedings, cleaned up sheets full of throw-up in the middle of the night, goes to girl scout meetings, orchestra concerts, recitals, dance classes, coaches softball and soccer...the list goes on and on. I baby sit a 10 month old and a 6yr old and he will even help out with them when he is home!! Don't get me wrong, he is a great dad but has his own faults as well. There are plenty of nights when he won't move from his chair and we won't talk about how many football games he watches each week. The important thing is that we are a team. It took two of us to have our family and it take two of us to raise them! And to be honest, it was a lot easier for me to work when mine were younger & I had to...now that our oldest is almost 16 I feel it's more important that I am home NOW and involved in their activities and friends. Some people think that as their kids get older you can let them go...I think that's how teens get out of control and pregnant. There are no easy answers, but if I were you I'd be having fits all over the place and standing up for myself. If you want your girls to be independant strong women you need to set the example and be one too! Good luck.

If he don't help don't make his dinner, no sex, tell him you don't have time

Dear S.,
I am Mom to eight children and I pretty much did everything too. My X husband is a union carpenter and when he would get laid off, he would lay on the couch and watch TV. I went back to school to get a Master degree and his sister moved in to "help". Now they sat together smoking and watching TV and most of the housework was still waiting for me. When we got divorced he said that I'm lucky he doesn't file for alimony. He pays hardly any child support and claims that my earning capacity is bigger than his even though I have our three minor children. I got a real estate license which made it possible for me to work part time and eventually leave him, but this is the hard way to go. My advice to you is Don't have any more children. They grow up fast.

Tough situation. I was kinda in your boat, let me tell you what changed. I have always worked outside of the home. The most is 2-3 days a week. Sometimes only one day a week. It depended on finances. Anyway, I would go in a night at 7pm so allday before going in..I would clean my house and care for three kids, plus do homework. then I would go to work and work 12 hours in the middle of the night, to come home and do the day all over again. I would catch cat naps. Then when my husband would come home, I would have to go to school at 6:30p with hardly no sleep. My house would be clean, the kids would be fed, the baby had a bath, alls he had to do was read a story and put them to bed. (rough...ha-ha) I would go hours with out sleep and everyone would say you only work 2 days a week or what ever it was that week. When you stay up all night it takes a day or two to feel like yourself again.
Then, for medical reasons, my husband was home for months and when he was able to, he was in charge of the house and kids because I had to work. He had to do dishes, laundry breakfast, lunch. He was basically in my role. He would tell me it was easier to work a full time job, then too stay home with three kids. He said the work load was killing him. We can't forget to mention that men can not multi-task to save their lives. I would tell him cheer up at least you don't work at night and go without sleep. At least you don't have college course work due or finals to study for. He felt really bad for all the years he did not help. It was an eye opening experience for him. Not to mention, I told him if he was a housekeeper...I would fire him because he does a terrible job cleaning the house.
Now months later...he is back at work and he does help and I think he respects what I do a little more. I just have to keep in mind that men do not clean like women. www.livegreeneasy.com

Hi. I have been a stay at home mom for the last 3 years. Our kids are ages 7 and 4. My husband and I always shared the responsibilities around the house and with the kids when I worked, but since I have been home it has changed a little. I am now able to do more around the house, but he doesn't expect me to do everything. He is wonderful with our kids. After dinner, he usually does homework with my son and then gets both kids ready for bed. I also work from home and we take my work, even though it is flexible, very seriously. On the weekends he helps with whatever is going on....even folding laundry (he actually pretty good at that). You shouldn't have to do everything...he is part of the family too and should step up to do his share....even if that is just spending time with his children. Good luck.

I have a few pieces of advice.

1. He should be helping to raise his kids, he made them as well.

2. I'd make sure I know all about the finances and if possible have him sign an agreement to protect yourself in case of a divorce.

Yes I hate to say that word, but when you become a stay at home mom, and if you get a divorce, your financially screwed. I have 5 kids and he left, which i never expected and I'm the one now not only raising them all but on less then half of what we had and nothing in bank, no house, etc.

Best work even part-time or get something in writing to protect yourself. Yes stay at home is a full time job and he wouldn't have been able to work full-time, or go out if you weren't around watching and taking care of everything else.

Don't short change yourself cause you have even more of an important job, raising of kids which are the future.

S....I would love to give you insightful advice..but the only thing that is coming to my mind is, "God, he sounds like an AS%#@&*!!!"
I can't give YOU advice how to deal with HIM. YOU are not the problem here. There doesn't seem to be any redeeming qualities this man has, and he is REALLY tasking you for granted. I can totally understand why you are miserable.
Heres my advice: call a marraige counselor,and if that doesn't work, b) call a lawyer!
ps This advice may seem harsh, and if so I am sorry. I haven't had my coffee and the baby kept me up all night! I do mean it, though, you are worth more than how he is treating you .:)

for the most part I do all the house hold chores and take care of the kids. my husband works from sun up to sun down. for the most part I have a problem waiting around for him to come home for the house to get picked up. I cant stand things being dirty. but when my husaband gets up for work at 5 am I dont get up with him for the most part he cleans up his breakfast dishes. but dosent clean up the dirt he has tracked threw the house I do when I wake up after I feed the kids but when he has dinner or a snack I have to pick up his mess along with the kids even if the trash is inches away. he does play with the kids and makes sure they keep there toys picked up and helps me get them to bed but bath time I have to handle. I just had a baby the 10th of dec threw emergency c-section so hubby had to take two weeks off work to help take care of the kids and house. he couldnt keep up with the house and couldnt wait to go back to work. basicaly he thought the kids and house was more work then actual work. giggle giggle since every time I would ask for help in the past if he didnt feel like doing it and wanted to argue he tell me to get a job and he would stay home with the kids. well after spending so much time home I dont think I'll hear that one. since I couldnt stand the house being a wreak after a week of bed rest I got up and cleaned the house. sorry this is a long winded story but for the most part since I stay home with the kids I pretty much do everything including clean up after him with little help from the husband.

I'm sorry to hear how little help you receive from you husband. I'm a SAHM to two little girls, also. One is 6 months and the other will be 3 in March. I've been married to my husband for four years. While it is my job to keep the house clean, my husband also does his share. It is his job to take out the trash and take care of yard work. Everything else is my job, but he still helps with it. I get up with the baby at night because I breastfeed, but he changes diapers and spends time with both girls. He works six days a week - 50 hours, goes to Jiu Jitsu (spelling?) twice a week, works out with a friend on Wednesday nights, and has his friends over every Saturday. In a couple months his flag football league at church will be starting up. He still finds time to help out around the house and spend time with me and the girls.

So, in my opinion, your husband needs to step it up. Just because you stay home doesn't mean that he should ignore you and the girls or that he shouldn't at least clean up after himself. Have you considered counseling? Would he be willing to do something like that? I only ask because I think there has to be something going on that's keeping him from even spending time with his daughters...

Hey S.. Just wanted to chime in here. No, absolutely this is not how our home works. I'm a SAHM to boy6, girl 4, girl 7mos. Trash is always my husbands job. LOL, so are lightbulb changes! He vaccuums, dusts, does laundry, cooks(lol), and if I'm at my wits end he n the kids go for a walk. His thinking is my job is 24/7, his starts and ends everyday. He can leave his aggravation at the office, mine is all over. I don't sign off then go home. Kids r sick? He helps a t night, and when he gets home. It sounds alot like you are a single parent to me. It must be lonely. Maybe his mom?(i dunno what your terms are with his family), or a sister or cousin or aunt could shed some light on his reluctance to see your job as important? I can't see continuing like that, but I don't want to tell you to do or say something that could make your life harder. I hope you can find some answers to help...Have a blessed new year!

M.

I divorced my husband because of those reasons. I have 2 children and I'm a single mom now. I figured he wasn't helping a bit with my and the kids, so being on my own wouldn't be any different (except financially). I ended up having to get a full time job but I have never been so happy. My kids are happier because they see me happy (and not so upset all the time). They don't see the arguing anymore either. It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make, but in the end - it was the perfect decision. No woman should have to put up with men like my X husband. I am too strong to deal with that day in and day out. Some people think staying together "for kids sake" is the right thing to do, but really - your damaging your children in the end. Sometimes leaving is the best thing to do, at least in my case.

Sounds like time for some counseling. Staying at home means you are the primary care giver for your children and you run the household- but it doesn't mean you do it without any help, paid or otherwise!If he's not wanting to hang out with you or your children, then something isn't right. I live in a household of males, so I am quite familiar with the "just push it aside" approach to housecleaning. Husband and teenage sons. My niece paid me a visit and I was amazed at all the little bits of cleaning she did, just while we were hanging out and talking! The boys never do that! But really, it is unacceptable. Family meetings have helped. My husband explained that if I say "clean up this friggin' mess!"in kind of lumberjack voice, he'll do it. If I nag or get upset, he gets upset. Nuance, you know. But your husband sounds miles away, emotionally. Get help, and good luck! You are definielty not alone!
C.

Your story sounds exactly like mine. Don't have much advice, but just want to let you know there's someone else in your shoes right now. Wanna lean on each other? :)

I haven't read all the responses in this thread, but it certainly has generated a lot of interest!

Just having read the first couple of responses, I'll add my views.

My last day working outside the home was April 1, 1988. Twelve days later, my first child was born. I certainly have not loved every minute of it. But I don't regret it in the least, and I have no plans to ever return to an office job. Keep in mind that the 1980s was a very YUPPIE-oriented time. I had a college degree and a promising career. None of my friends were SAHMs. My own mother told me then, and continues to tell me now, that I wasted my education to "just" stay at home. I think there's still a lot of that sentiment out there, but perhaps not as much as the height of the ME ME ME stuff that was going on back in those days. Or maybe it's exactly the same, but I just don't care what other people think!

Eventually, people stopped asking me when I planned to go back to work. Heck, this has been more work than anything I did at the office!

I have three boys, ages 19, 18 and 17. One is a foster son. I've always done pretty much everything around the house and made most of the childrearing decisions on my own. The house is never spic and span. Lots of times, the house has looked like a disaster area. My husband will help when I'm at my wit's end and have a meltdown about it. He does occasionally take the initiative to load a dishwasher or do some laundry. If I ask him to do something, he usually does it. I'd love to have one of those sensitive husbands who steps up without being asked, but I don't. In every other regard, he's a wonderful man, and I love him more than anything.

Know that your life will get better. The kids grow up and they do chores and help. There's a pitfall that you have to avoid, however. Don't succumb to the idea of "It's-easier-to-do-it-myself." It may be in the short-term, but in the long run, no. For example, I could have simply cooked every meal on my own and gotten it on the table within 30 minutes. But, I had the kids help me whenever possible. It slowed down the process and made the kitchen a horrible mess. But they learned to cook on their own. Now THEY cook ME breakfast most mornings! And there's always someone to help with dinners, or they can fend for themselves. All of my children have been doing their own laundry since they were about 12 or 13. I only do my laundry and my husband's. I don't change sheets or make beds, except for ours. My boys are going out into the world knowing how to clean a bathroom, run a vacuum including cleaning edges and baseboards. They wash windows, take out the trash, etc, etc.

I taught them all to do such things because I wanted them to be able to take care of themselves and their own families one day. The first 10 years or so was a lot of hard work just keeping up with the day-to-day cooking and cleaning. And I didn't always keep up. There were plenty of times that I was in tears over all that needed to be done. And that doesn't even factor in all the teacher's conferences, homework help, sports and scouting events, and all the driving, driving, driving I did getting everyone to and from all of their activities.

The other thing you mentioned, about your husband being able to come and go whenever he wants, was also a huge problem for me. My husband works long hours. He felt entitled to his time after office hours. He also is a very serious runner. This means to this day, that he runs 6 to 10 miles nearly every evening after work. He runs in track meets nearly every weekend in the summer, cross-country on fall weekends, and now he's about to start the indoor track season. When our kids were very small, he also coached a CYO track team. He's a CPA and worked horrendous hours during tax season, drive an hour home from work, go to the track to coach other people's kids, then turn right back around and drive the hour back to the office and work until midnight. That was the only time I had a major meltdown. At the time, our kids were very small, and I was trapped 24/7 with toddlers. I understood my husband's crazy work schedule, but it was unacceptable to me that he was driving 2 hours to be with other people's children, yet his own never saw him, as he left the house before they woke up and he returned home after they had gone to bed. That was a very ugly time in our marriage, and we had many fights over it. But, he eventually quit the coaching. I know he loved it, but he had a responsibility to his own children, and it was hard to get that through his thick skull.

So now that the kids are older, and probably for the past 5, maybe even 7 years or so, I've had a lot more time for me. It does get better! Teach your kids to be independent, and then you won't worry when you go out for a walk by yourself, go grocery shopping on your own (oh! to this day I fully appreciate being able to shop without having to bring anyone with me!), etc. I go hiking and backpacking on my own these days, though sometimes I go with my boys, too. I can visit with friends, go to movies. etc. I do work, though. I work from home as a medical transcriptionist, and have done so for nearly all of the time that I've been a SAHM. I worked part-time up until last year. Now, I work full-time.

Yes, your husband should be more in tune to the sheer exhaustion that is part of your life as a SAHM. He may or may not change on that point. But you should continue to talk about it and make an effort to carve out some time for each other now and then. Nurturing the kids takes all of your time, but you also need to nurture each other and your relationship. Because when the stress of raising the children lightens up and you have more time for each other, you don't want to be strangers. Eventually, the children will move out, and you'll be left with each other. And that can be wonderful!

These days, I look forward to seeing my husband at the end of the day. We have time to sit and talk a bit, to go out whenever we want, etc. But it's very easy to lose track of each other when you're both exhausted and raising little ones. It's difficult to see the big picture during the early years of childrearing. Just remember, the time you have with your children at home is so very brief in comparison to the length of a great marriage. You may have fully dependent children in the house for 10 or so more years. But by the time they are teenagers, things should lighten up, and you could have another 30, 40 or who knows how many years together as husband and wife. It's important to keep that in mind. Try to be patient with each other, remember that it's difficult for both of you, and don't try to make comparisons of who is working harder. Those comparisons set up a no-win situation. You'll get through this, and then life gets really great. There is nothing, and I do mean NOTHING so wonderful as seeing your children grow into honorable men and women, capable and responsible. That's the payoff, and that's what you need to look to. Keep your eyes on the prize!

Hi S., I feel your pain. I had the same argument with my husband for years. Except he was the one that wanted me to stay home before my son was born. After, we had some financial difficulties b/c he didn't want to give anything up. I refused to go back to work b/c at that point I realized how important it was to me to be home with my son. I didn't want anyone else to raise him.

My husband gave me the same arguments. He worked and it was my job to do everything else basically. I went on strike a few times, refusing to help him with his work clothes (wash, dry clean, fold, etc) and no homemade dinners for awhile. But eventually I would give in...or he would tell me he'd help out and then in a week we'd be back to the same old thing. The only time it would last longer is if we went out (just the two of us) and we got to talk. I would explain to him that I work 24/7 and he only worked for 8-10 hours a day. My job never ended. I also explained to him if I were not there he would have to pay big bucks for someone to come in and cook, clean, take care of the kids, etc. My time is/was just as valuable as his.

My husband didn't really see how hard I worked until I left him home with my son for a long period of time...especially when I went back to work part time. My son was a little older but my husband started to appreciate how hard my day was. I can't offer advice b/c even though my husband appreciated what I did more...he still doesn't help around the house...it's like pulling teeth to get him to lift a finger. But it is nice to be appreciated. At least he acknowledges that I am queen!! lol

Oh, and I absolutely agree with the mom about the 1 up! If I am sick with the flu my husband has phneumonia (sp?). If I had a bad day, his was worse!! ugh!

Hi S.,
Your husband's behavior makes me so angry!
I have been married for 10 years and I have stayed home with the children since they were born (they are 7, 5 and 2). I consider my job to be taking care of the children. My husband's job is to provide financially for the family. When it comes to taking care of the house we are an equal team. I have things that I do better around the house, and my husband has chores that he prefers to do...but both of us contribute! Also, my husband helps give the children a bath and stories at bedtime. Otherwise he wouldn't spend any time with them during the week. He really values that time. Your husband somehow needs to realize that his money is not enough to create a family and a happy home.
Good luck to you!
I'm not sure how to make him realize this...but if you have strength in yourself it might help you feel better.

Everyone has needs. When they are not met, it is your choice how you attempt to get them met. Your needs are a helping hand and someone to interact with you and your daughters positively. How do you feel when someone complains and whines about their needs to you? Do you feel like meeting their needs? That's how it is with your husband too. It sounds like he's grumpy about his need for you to do all the housework and/or work. If you can repeat back his need to him calmly, asking him if your interpretation is correct, he will feel that you care about him. Hopefully this will calm him down at least.

I too am very sorry to hear you have to go through this. It sounds like he is basically resentful that you are staying home to raise the kids, when he wanted you to work, so now he's making it especially h*** o* you. I am not a SAHM, however I work 3 days a week and am home the rest of the week. My husband is very helpful around the house, but then again he always has been, even before children. He helps with the baby and I think he does understand that being home with the baby is much harder than working full-time b/c he's had to do it several times. Was your husband more helpful before you had kids and decided to stay home? Because if he was then you know he's doing this more out of spite, but also some husbands just basically don't help out as much as others. Either way a marriage should be a partnership where both people are working together to create a happy home. The bottom line is a SAHM is basically working much longer hours than someone working full-time and you need a break too, just like he does when he comes home from work. I would suggest discussing it with him and trying to make him understand how you feel and if not, possibly try counseling. A third party can sometimes be unbiased and will be able to communicate to your husband that what he's doing is wrong for your marriage. Good luck!!

Honestly,
Your husband is being very childish about everything. It sounds like he is being very revengeful for the choice you made- to stay home and raise your own kids. I really don't know what to tell you except- perhaps you should consider marriage counseling. Or just be honest with him and tell him how he makes you feel. And stand up for what you believe in!

S.,
I don't mean any disrespect to you at all. But your husband is awful. First of all, he RESENTS you for staying at home. So his behavior towards you is so hostile. He does those things to spite you. If I were you .....I would leave. He is so disrespectful to you. You don't deserve the way he treats you. I commend you for staying home with your children. I stayed home with all 3 of mine. And we are always struggling financially. But I worked in daycare and I don't want my children in any of them.My husband is very supportive, he helps me with the dishes,cooking,garbage,laundry, kids,,I am lucky to have a good husband who helps. And he worked 2 jobs earlier in our marriage and he works 10 to 12 hours a day and he will always tidy up for me. I think your husband is acting like a jealous child. He may resent your kids too. Because all your attention goes to them. Hey if I were you I would withhold sex from him to teach him a lesson . Just my two cents worth.

Wow! My friends and I talk about this all the time. NO you do not need to do it all. Staying at home doesn't mean you are taking on the world. You are home because your children will benefit greatly now and in the long run. When I got married my husband and I made a "chore list". This way we know who does what. Did your husband help with the house before you had kids? What would he do if you just left one evening when he got home? You need to take care of yourself so that you can be a good wife and mom. I really think you two should sit down and you should explain to him what is going on and how you feel. i think we often try to have these conversations in the heat of the moment and they just don't work. Men do tend to me short-sighted but hopefully with a little talking and explaining he will come around. It is very important for you to get out. Do you belong to a mom's group?

S., I think that your husband is upset that you decided to have children and not work, so he is going to make you pay for your decision. He is not very thoughtful of you. Now what you should do is put a dollar amt. on every thing you do. Ex: Dishwasher-$6/hr, Babysitter-$5/hr, etc. Maybe he needs to be reminded how much you do at home and what it would cost if someone was hired to do it. A stay-at-home mom IS a job, youjust aren't being paid. He should do what he can to help you out. Go on a vacation sometime and have him stay home and do what you do--- that should change his thinking.
V. S

Hi S.,

I am very sorry to hear about your situation. It can be very hard when you have to do everything on your own. I have 3 kids under the age of 7. I am a work from home mom that also does a few things outside of the house, my I am mainly home with my kids during the week. My husband and I have an understanding of what needs to be done around the house. Sometimes, I just don't feel like cleaning the bathroom or unload the dishes, but that is normal.

My husband is gone during the week. I have my own business where I can work when I want, but I also work weekends at a restaurant. I do this becuase it gets me out of the house, away from my kids (Which I too love dearly, but everyone needs to get away once in a while)and make some extra cash My husband has no choice but to take care of the kids while I am at work

I think you need to sit down with your hubby and have a rational conversation about your situation. It is apparent he wasn't onboard with you when you decided not to go back to work and maybe he feels resentment towards you?

Believe me, I have had days where I thought, I quite. This isn't what I signed up for, but I am gratful to be able to stay home with my kids and do things with them when they are home and attend school functions. Bottom line, you need to talk with him and find out why he does the things he does and you have to let him know what it's like to be home all day with the girls. It's no piece of cake, that's for sure!

Good Luck- you can email me if you need help

L.

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Hi S.,
I am also a stay at home Mom with 4 kids. We have 16 y/o boy, 14 y/o girl, 11 y/o girl, and our last child 15 month girl. I was working until the baby was 5 months old. I quit because I would come home and be so upset from being away from her. Before I quit I did everything around here. I found that I love being here more than working and I am good at it. Our home is in order and the kids are feed well.
My husband works a lot. 40 hours at work and he comes home and does extra work to make up for my lost income (which isn't much). He comes home from work and spends time with us. Luckily he is a homebody and enjoys gardening, and cooking so I get a break from cooking at least 2 nights a week. Other than that he doesn't do any cleaning at all. I do most of the grocery shopping and have recently started shopping from home. I order online and they either deliver or I go pick up my groceries. It has helped free up some time for me. I get frustrated at times because I never get to go anywhere alone (including the bathroom sometimes). He will watch the kids so I can go to a movie, or go shopping alone. I just need to get away sometimes. I understand your frustration. I honestly don't think it's fair that you never get a break. I also think he should be spending more time at home. His kids need him. I had to explain this to my husband who is on the computer constantly. As far as him not even cleaning up after himself. I think that is just ignorant.

Hi S., I have 3 kids: 6 3/4, 4 and 2 3/4 years old.

I was in the same boat, after having my first daughter, I stayed home for almost 9 months, then went back to work, we didn't have much problems then, but I got pregnant with our second child and decided to stay home after she was born. All hell broke lose after our third child was born, pretty close to the second too, she was only 10 months old when I found out I was pregnant, then came the times of my husband really getting to me. He does all the "manly" jobs around the house, like the trash, lawn during the summer and what not, but I still do the bulk of everything else. He WOULD NOT do the dishes for anything, vacuum NO, laundry NO, NOTHING. Then what hit him is that I went back to work part time starting October of 2006, but it was VERY part time, only 3-4 hours for a couple of days. Then his work schedule changed (he was working graveyard shift while I was working part time) He went back to day time hours (mind you he is gone from 9:30 am until about 8 pm Wed-Friday and on Saturdays he goes in at 7:30 am and depending on how the day goes, he can be home by 12 pm or all the way up until 8pm) So I am totally spent by the time he comes home from work. I try to get everything done cleaning, taking care of the kids, etc. He used to complain at me whenever he would come home and I had been out or something and I didn't have dinner ready. That was a HUGE arguement for us for quite some time.
ANYWAY, my work schedule now is Saturday through tuesday and he does watch the kids, he has no other choice because we can't afford a sitter. Plus he has off the days I go in (except saturdays, he works early and I go into work late) but the other days he is completely fine with the kids.
Maybe that's what you need to do, get a part time job and have him take care of everything. But just PART time, and DO NOT allow a sitter. He may not get things done your way, but at least the kids are taken care of, that's what I have accepted with my husband. He actually does the dishes now sometimes because I have yelled at him about it..LOL!!
But good luck, and if all else fails, try marriage counseling.

Jen

I have a husband he same way. The only difference is I work 4 hours in the morning and he works full time. he will not help me at all. He complains to me how nothing is cleaned or what a mess the house is. I tell him that I work in the morning and then I am chasing a very busy two year old around and taking him to doctors appts, and doing stuff for him the rest of the day. I tell him often what I need from him but it never works. I hate that he can do whatever he wants and I can not. I don't think that it is fair for husbands to do this but they do. I know that some husbands to help around the house.

Dear S. R,
Your husband is a jackass! Even if he thinks staying home means doing all the house work, fine, but not having any part in helping with the kids,that would be where you would draw the line!

I bet if you got a job and in turn made him do even some of the things you do, He'd get the wake-up call he needed!

I am a stay at home Mom with four girls. My husband plays a vital part in who they are and who they will become. Don't let your kids grow-up thinking home and kids are just for Moms!

Staying at home in Ridley

Dear S.,
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. When I got pregnant my husband and I both agreed that I would stay at home. I was the one who had the hard time adjusting since I had worked all of my life and now I was working in the home raising a baby. When it did come time for me to have a day away or a few hours and my husband had to stay home, he then realized how hard of a job it was. If your husband does not listen then just tellhim that you are going to the mall, a friends house etc.... no argument about it and that he has to watch the children. Maybe he will have some sort of light shed on him as far as how hard it is. My husband and I used to go rounds but not anymore. He knows that even though he works 50-55 hours a week that being a mom is harder work. He does help but sometimes I have to ask. Men do not think like we do. When we see something needs to be done we just do it where as we have to ask the guys. Ask him to help out more that it has nothing to do with staying at home that you are one person. Then if all else fails, try your church or counseling. Maybe a friend to talk to him, in laws? Good luck and let us know how it works out!
Christina

Hi S.!!
I hope your husband knows that what you have there is a JOB!!!!! You deserve a little help in the evenings and especially on the weekends since...HE HAS NO JOB ON THE WEEKENDS and you do. And what happens if you have to go to the gyn? do the girls come in with you? Not to sound harsh but I have been there and know that you have to stick up for yourself or no one will. I would not do any of his household chores...HIS laundry, clean HIS side of the bathroom sinks, wash HIS dishes, pick up HIS dirty clothes, etc....he'd get it then. Wow I really love that these guys think they have no responsibilities at home...he's loving life, huh?

Good Luck,
A.

Absolutely not! It very hard to stay home all day with children. He should help and give you a break. Dont let him take advantage of you. He can not act like one of the kids too. I stay at home and would never be able to do it all by myself. Ask him to do the little stuff, like the trash. Good Luck! This is a touchy subject and you are not alone I know many moms with the same complaint. Try to find creative ways to address the situations because men seem to act as if you are "attacking" them if you start listing issues you have with them.

Hi S.,

So sorry to hear your husband is giving you such a hard time. I think it is very clear he is angry with your choice to stay at home and is acting out. I would start talking to him about it. He also may not realize how hard it is to stay at home. My husband didn't realize it until I put him with the kids by himself. He couldn't last two hours! I would start talking about it before you want to explode on him or leave him.
Good luck.
K.

Hi S.,
I am so sorry you are going through this. The sacrifice you have made for the sake of your children and your family is not even realized by your husband. I stayed home for the first year of my son's life, working part time from the home mostly. I went back to work full time a few months ago. When I was home, I did all the housework, laundry and cooking, grocery shopping, paying the bills, running my son to all his appts...you know the endless list. Now that I am back at work...nothing's changed:) I still do all those things, I just have 2 days to do it now! My husband is critical at times, but he "babysits" our son on the weekends and I think it's opened his eyes a tad. When I get home, he needs a "nap". The only time he does do a chore or two is when I start to break down and talk about the neverending list of things to do. I guess my point is that with some men, I don't think it would change their view of what a woman does or they just are lazy and don't care what the house looks like, but we do. However, if my husband EVER talked to me the way your husband spoke to you, there would be some serious action taken. Has he been this way for 6 yrs? It's worth looking into counseling first but if he does not change, you deserve to be appreciated. I'm sorry but he needs to wake up and fix his attitude. I hope everything works out for the best, whichever that may be.

S.,

WOW! No way would that work here! I am a stay at home mom to 4, and my hubby works his butt off too, and still helps! Now, I do work from home, I sell skin care products, and such, so he understands when I have to work. But, he helps out ALL the time, I even went to coffee recently with a friend, and was gone for hours! It was sooooo nice! :) I think you and hubby are long over due for a frank talk. And some marriage counseling. If you guys don't get some kind of help, this will destroy you, and your family. DO you really want your daughters growing up thinking this is how THEY should be treated?

Just some food for thought! I hope this helps! You just really need to clear the air. I wish you the best!

L.

Hell no! Sorry for the explatives. I'm a stay at home mom and my husband works full time. Now, I do some part time work too, but that is because I want to. My husband helps me out with just about everything. He'll bathe my son, put him to bed, get dinner ready, and do just about anything around the house if I ask him too. He won't just do it if it needs to be done, I usually have to ask, but he always does it. I do as much as I can around the house, and try to be a good mother to my son and sometimes I need help, like we all do. Being a mother is a full time job too, one that no one gets paid to do. But if you went back to work, think about how much would have had to be paid in childcare. That's a lot of money that you saved for your family. Also, the house doesn't factor in either, both people should take care of the home...no matter what. If you own it, its an investment to both of you. I can't even tell you how angry your message made me. You husband is living in a dream world...he needs to be a husband and a father and not one more child for you to take care of. Tell him to grow up.

I have been a stay at home mom for over 10 years. While I do most of the housework/cooking my husband is not against helping out. He has always been hands on where the kids are concerned. If they get sick we do th edivide and conquer ( one cleans up kid and one deals with the bed). If I decide we are grilling that night for dinner my hubby mans the grill. We both have the opportunities to go out without the kids and neither of minds.

Just my personal opinion since I do not know your husband but perhaps this is just the way he is or maybe he is just acting this way because you are staying home and not working. Perhaps he is angry at you for staying home and this is his way of expressing it.

I do suggest you talk to him about your feelings and see if you can come to some type of compromise because you certainly aren't happy with the status quo. It's not good for you, your chidlren or your family as a whole.

If you just look at our job title (Stay at Home Mom), our job is to take care of our children. Taking care of the house is what a House Keeper does. Our title is not SAHM/Maid.

I personally do not have a house keeper but I am sure you get my point. I do it all happily because for the most part I feel appreciated. I hope you will be appreciated for all you do too!

Good Luck!

Decisions like staying at home or working once you have children should be a joint/family decision. It sounds like you didn't give your husband a choice, but made the decision yourself. He might be harboring a lot of resentment towards you, that's what it sounds like.

I am not a sahm, but tried, my partner did not support that decision, and WE made it work every day the best we can. We support eachother at work, share with the chores, and take turns have time by ourselves and also enjoy family time together on the weekends. The point I want to make though is that it is was a decision we both made, even though that I would have liked it to be different.

Talk to him, and if you can't get him to open up, try couples therapy.

Best of luck.

Nobody "signs up" for their husband to act like a jerk whether they stay home or not. If you still love him and want stay with him, you should get him to understand you need help. If he isn't willing to let you have help, you should get support from somewhere yourself, and probably leave him. He isn't showing your girls the type of standard they should expect from men in their future, and you aren't teaching them self respect by being treated that way. Good luck!

I too am a stay at home mom. I have 2 children, a girl, 6 and a boy, 2 1/2, and a little boy on the way, due in Feb. I have been at home for the last year or so, it has been nice. I do have help from my husband with different things around the house. Don't get me wrong, I do, do the majority of things around here, cleaning, cooking, trash, etc. But if I need help, I ask for it and it is given, even before I became pregnant. And my husband does not hestitate to run the vacuum, but he will not clean the dishes or the bathrooms, or anything that is more involved. I try to keep it simple for him.

Being at home takes a commintment from both parties. I went back to work 6 weeks after my first was born, and it was hard, but we did it, then after the 2nd came along, it got harder, so after a year of preparing ourselves for the change in income, I left the workplace and have not looked back.

I feel bad for your husband, who is missing out on something he will never get back and he might realize it when it is too late. I hope that you can work things out and it is not too late.

Please send me a message if you need to talk one on one.

You are a great Mom! Don't ever forget that. Your husband should be grateful that you wanted to stay home with your children full time (A FULL TIME JOB IN ITSELF!). Not everyone has that luxury. There was a study recently that added everything up that a SAHM does and how much it would cost if you were to pay someone to do. It turned out to be a six figure salary! I am a SAHM Mom myself and my husband can't do enough for me. He takes our 3 month son right after dinner every night for his own bonding time. And that also gives me time to straighten up or do things that I need to get done. I also create a list of things I need help completing for the week. My husband tries to get those things on the list done by the end of the week. Sometimes it happens that way, sometimes it doesn't. Anyway we are happy with our arrangement. Hope things work out for you. Stay positive.

I'm a stay at home mother and I do everything around the house and with the kids,but my husband will help me if I ask. The things that he does with trash is crazy. My husband does not make more work for me. He must be willing to help with the kids and house so that you could have time to yourself. Men think that staying home is a easy job,but it is not. We have a 24 hour a day job. If I were you I would demand help.

There is no way you can keep up with everything yourself. If you can't do it, let it go, it will either be there later, or he will decide to help out. A womans work is never done, that is the truth. It sure would be nice if you could go to work as a mother and be done by the time evening rolls around. It doesn't work that way when you are a parent. He should take some responsibility too. He is being selfish. Maybe you should try marriage counciling. If he can't appreciate what a good job you are doing,and give you a break once and a while, maybe you need to find someone that does appreciate you. A husband and fathers work has to be done too, not just bring in money to the household. Good luck. Best wishes.

It was your choice to stay at home with your children not keep up the house! Thats insane...Yes he works, but "walk a mile in my shoes" So dont ask him to do all the chores at once but maybe start small with, can you do this for me?? And when he does help, go over board with appreciation of his time spent helping with the home. You catch more bees with honey than you do with vinegar!
Keep your head up!

Hello S.,
I am also a stay at home mom (I do have a small business but it is more of a hobby and to get my mind off mothering, haha! www.chesapeakeribbons.com). Anyway, I think your husband definitely needs to help you out in the house!!!

My husbands works and travels quite a bit. When he is home he takes care of the trash, sometimes helps w/laundry, and more importantly, he takes over with my son once he is home for the evening. It is really important for the kids to have time with daddy, you know? Ever since my son was a baby, my husband started the routine of putting him to bed. It is so nice (and important) to get that down time at night to recharge.

We also make sure to get out alone on dates and get out w/our friends. He goes out one weekend night every so often and then I go out ...it's all about compromise.

I really hope your husband can see how much you do and that he needs to do more regardless of whether he is working. At the very least, he needs to be there for quality time with the kids :-)

If you are looking for a mommy netowrk in the Exton,PA area, check out moxie moms (www.moxie-moms.com). It is my life saver!!!! So many awesome moms to connect with during the week AND when you need just mommy time.

Hope that helps, goodluck :-)
M.

I am a stay at home mom and although it gets boring sometimes and i would like to go to work at times, i enjoy it because just like you, i get to see my daughter grow up and i get to be there for her. My husband encourages me to stay home, he tells me that he makes more than enough money and that he prefers me to stay at home as well. I usually clean the house while he's at work because it gives me something to do. But when he isnt working and i start cleaning, he is right there with me cleaning and vacuuming, doing anything that he see's needs to be done. He even cooks dinner almost every night. I cook maybe once a week if that. Sure he may not put the trash in the trash can that minute but when it comes time to clean up, he cleans up any trash that he left out and puts it in the trash. I tell him he doesnt have to help me but he insists that i dont have to do that all by myself. So he works all the time and on top of that he helps me around the house and plays with his daughter and takes care of her. I'll tell u, just because you have to stay at home and take care of your kids does not me ur husband can't help you out some too. When you got married you became one and everything became a joint thing. You're in this together you need to stick together and help eachother out. Well i dont know if this helped you out but i thought i'd tell you how my life staying at home is and that not everyone out there has to deal with that. Hope you have a wonderful day and may God bless you and your family everyday :D

Clearly your husband is VERY resentful about you staying at home. At this point with your youngest daughter approaching school age do you intend to continue to stay home full time or start working, even if it is only parttime so you can be home when the girls get home from school.

I am not a stay at home mom NOW but I was and eventually my husband did ask me to go to work to lighten some of his burden. To answer your question, I did not have help but my husband did do his part around the house. Most of the housework fell on me but I had no problem letting him know that just because I was home did not mean that he didn't have to do anything!! In our case, it wasn't just a financial burden he was talking about, we talked about it ALOT and eventually I did go back to work. For me it felt like the best decision for all of us.

I do understand the importance of staying home with your children, that time is so precious. But if your husband is a good man and you want to keep your marriage talk to him and try to find a way to work through this before you see more problems from him. You may be able to find some compromise.

Hi S., I see what you been throu....same over here jajajaja....the only thing I can tell you is you get at list 15 minutes to talk to your husband..maybe you can tell him the way you fell...just let him know that you love the kids and do al the household stuff..but you need a little time for yourself...like he going hunting...maybe it's no much help but to me sometimes it work..my husband works in NY City 2 hours from home he's never here...so you get the idea...well good luck to you my dear..

Hi I just read this and I'm sorry to say but your husband sounds like a jerk! Taking care of children is a full time job (much harder than going to work). I have 3 boys 4 and under and it's physically demanding. I do everything around the house bc my nature is to go go go. My husband has it good. BUT i will say he will do things if i ask him or he'll take me out for a glass of wine or something at the end of the day if my mom comes over. He tries to tell me to take care of myself bc i'm not good at doing it. I will say for some reason most of the responsibilitly of the house and kids tends to always fall on the woman but it shouldn't. I would tell your husband the next time he puts the trash on the counter instead of the trash that animals in the zoo leave their things on the floor not humans...and that just bc you stay at home so your children can be raised properly does not make you lazy. You are a human being not just a human doing. Sorry if this seems harsh. i just read this and i can't believe he deliberately leaves things out for you. I thing you and your husband should go out alone(get a sitter) and talk bc shutting up to keep the peace will build resentment. One day your kids will grow up and leave home and you want to have a good relationship with your husband to back too...i hope this helps...I will def talk w/o the kids...get out of the house!!!!!!

Hi S.,

I'm a SAHM of two girls also (5 & 2). But I can't say that I have it the same as you. Although I do feel sometimes I do more than a share at home, my husbad does vacume and takes the trash out, he prepares zippy cups of milk for my older daughter, feeds ice cream to the youngest.
And this is not to say that I never get the "this is your job" when I forget to pay a bill, or don't get the laundry done on a regular basis. But really, its a give and take deal. And specially when its a matter of the girls, its an understanding that if I'm busy with one, and he's available to help out with the other, he does it. I only have to tell him though, otherwise he understands that "I can handle it" :)

So I would say a good heart to heart talk would be in order if I were you. taking care of two kids is a full time job, running the household should be shared since it's another full time job. And to answer your question, in my case, I do lots of things including homeschooling the girls and my husband does travel weekdays for his job. So I do house work most of the time, but when he's home he pitches in.

Again, a good talk I think is in order so you be happy again, being stressed out will not be good for the kids or the whole family. I would reinstate the you have TWO jobs and he only has ONE right now, and that if you split the second job you have it would make everyone happy. (ok, maybe not him right away, but having a happy wife and mother, should be a priority)

Good luck!

Hi! I'm a stay at home mom of 4 that also homeschools. My kids ages are 18,10,9, and 7. 3 boys and 1 girl.
One thing that I have been teaching my family is: I'm your mom and your wife not your maid. If everyone picks up after themselves then I do the housecleaning etc. Give the kids jobs to do. At your kids ages they love to help anyway. Let your 6 yr old set the table and the 4 yr old fold the napkins and put them around. So they are in the kitchen with you while you cook.
EXAMPLE: My kids take turns setting the table, emptying the dishwasher and sometimes help me cook. After we eat. We each take our own plate and silverware to the sink, rinse and put in dishwasher(including husband). If everyone take 10 seconds to do that then I'm not stuck in the kitchen doing dishes. They now understand that if they help put food in leftover containers, put condiments away etc. while I'm washing the pots and pans that we are spending time together talking as well as we will have more time to spend together doing something fun after.
I'm letting you know that by no means is my family perfect. I still have to keep after them with when they take a bath to put their dirty clothes in the hamper after, as well as not leaving their towel on the floor when their done. If you keep after them. It will teach them to pick up after themselves. You need to be consistant though. Even with toys (a h*** o*e for my younger boys)Teach them when they are done playing with something to put it away before taking something else out. To be good stewards of their belongings. My rule at one point was: if there is stuff on your floor by bedtime you must not care about it so it goes in a bag and given to someone who will appreciate it.
The reason I try to keep up with this is because I don't want my daughter to have to grow up and marry someone that leaves trash in the sink instead of the trash can, or my sons to grow up and marry to think that their wife is their maid.
I don't know how it is in your household but in mine. I take care of the finances,making doctor appts. for everyone (including my husband)as well as taking to appts, grocery shopping, clothes shopping, pharmacy, dry cleaner, calling plumber when needed, chaparone field trips, as well as schooling and of course house cleaning.
I know how you feel at times. I have a buldgng disc so I'm not supposed to lift more than 10 lbs. So I fold laundry downstairs and put basket right at the bottom of the steps for my husband to take upstairs for me. It took several (naggings) to get my point across. He would literally walk over top of it to go upstairs. Another is I would hang the trash bag on the doorknob so when he goes out in the morning to warm up the car he can put it in the trash can. He gets upset with me and says why can't you just take it out now. I try to explain to him time efficiency. Like when I have something that needs to go upstairs I put it on the steps until I have to go upstairs for something then I take everything up with me and put away.
I hope this helps you. Let me know if you need anything.

First off, sorry this has taken me awhile to write, but I felt the need to say something.
I am a stay at home mom of 4 and let me tell you it's not easy. whether it's two, three, or four what ever the amount, naturally they advise two per one child as per the US gov.(okay so what about the other children--well they expect all to have hired help or family around to do the same) None the less, your husband is being rather stubborn and selfish. Only a little boy would throw a fit like that. A stay at home job never ends....it's constant-24/7!!! While your husband is working a measly 7-8 hour shift, your shift never ends. Household duties should be dealt with by both parties. That alone is a job in itself. Think about all the people who have to hire out to get the house clean? So can we do it as moms -of course, but we didn't sign up for the job to be punished 24/7 as well. Where is his duty as a father--show his children that yes, I am a man, father and I help around the house? Or are they going to grow up expecting to be waited on hand and foot and never fetching for them selves?
To fix this is h*** o*e-I moved out to show him I meant business and took the kids with me. It may be something different with you. Maybe refuse the house cleaning ----to a degree. give up on the sex-men most times are apt to do anything for it. So when he wants it---manipulate him. Tell him or better yet sign up for marriage counseling. It's a tough situation but I would try to fix it now before it really drives a wedge in your marriage.

Mom of 4.

Hi S.,

I too am a SAHM to 2 boys, ages 1 and 3. My husband is wonderful for the most part. I get to go shopping alone when I have had a rough day. Cleaning the house is my job, however, once a week, I do a big cleaning and he takes care of the boys so I can. That is usually a Sat. or Sun. I do take care of my boys when they are sick or if they wake at night though. He has to get up and go to work in the morning. Just because we chose to stay home doesn't mean that our husband have no responsibilities and you should definitely remind him of that. I wish you luck.

I'm also a stay at home mom, my hubby wanted me to stay home though because his mom did. It didn't matter to me either way, so maybe that is the difference, but he does do the garbage and clean up certain things. Sometimes he'll do the kitchen floor, which is a big help because it needs done by hand. And (I have to usually ask) but he always takes the trash out. And he wanted a dog so he does everything for her (baths, feeding, etc).
We have a 15 month old son and he doesn't help out as much as I'd like in that area. Especially when I'm sick. He gives him a bath from time to time but that is about it. I get up with him and do all of the cooking/cleaning of the house other than what I mentioned. I don't mind that, but I would like more help with our son, especially since he wants 1 or 2 more.
It is SO stressful being a SAHM. I don't think our hubby's get that at all. When I talk about it I have to hear about how stressed HE is, or how he hates HIS job. etc. Everything is a 1 up. When I'm sick, so is he only it's worse. Our hubby's are just big babies. They need taken care of just as much as a child or an animal. Sometimes I call him out on how he tries to 1 up me or not help enough and it usually sparks a fight but then he is more helpful for a few days.
I'm not sure if it's appropriate to tell you what to do, but if you're not happy you need to find a way to fix it and make yourself happy. You shouldn't have to do absolutely everything, and you should get a break once in awhile. What was his mom like while he grew up? Sometimes I have to remind my hubby that I'm not his mom. You can PM me if you want to talk more :)

My husband and I have had the same problem, though not on the same degree. Ask him if he thinks that being a stay at home mom means that you have to work 24-7. Make him realize that he works for 8 hours a day and so do you. After those 8 hours the work should get split. what would he do if you did work outside the home? would you still responsible for all the household work along with a paying job? He needs to know that family time is important and that you need a break, just like he goes hunting, you need alone time too.
Good luck.

I am a "work from home mom". I have 3 kids - 5.5, 3, and 1. I take care of them, clean the house, do the dishes, laundry, cook, trash, etc. all while answering the phones for our busy service company. When my husband gets home from work, he sits his rear on the couch and watches TV. It is rare that I get help from him. When I go somewhere by myself, he refers to it as "babysitting" the kids. I stopped arguing about it because when he did help, things weren't done right and I only had to redo them anyway. We've had the conversation many times that we adopted our children together and that I did not sign up to be a single mom. I was on the verge of doing something drastic when he became very ill. Now it seems that perhaps God was preparing me for the time when my husband would not be able to help. Now I take care of him as needed plus 3 kids plus run the business and take care of the house. I don't know how I do it, but I can tell you my house is NOT spotless and sometimes things just don't get done. It's not the end of the world.

I'm sure it probably doesn't help much to hear my story, but know that you aren't alone. I like the advice about calling a marriage counselor - it sounds as if he has some serious resentment about you staying home and maybe they can help with that.

Best of luck,
K.

Your husband's attitude is completely unfair, but b/c you have been doing everything for years, it may take some time to transition back to the way it should be. I am a SAHM and my husband and I consider my "job" taking care of my son at home, so when he is home at night, on weekends, or on vacation, we share the load b/c i don't get "time off". However, I try to get as much as I can done while I am at home - i do the grocery shoppping, laundry, house cleaning when i can, and making dinners.

Hi S.,

I am A full time working mom, I earn as much as my husband, drive 100 miles everyday back and forth from work and still when I reach home either all the responsibilities are mine or I have to delegate and instruct the tasks in gross detail and sometimes they get done and sometimes they don't. Ofcourse I remain constantly exhausted and this ends up being a big issue for me. But what I realized is that when I share this with other people they immediately become judgemental on my husband. If my husband is a good man or not should be my decision.What else am I overlooking because of this household stuff, there were definitely some wonderful qualities in him because of which I married him, right? In an effort to share my problem with others I realized I am hurting my marriage by constantly listening to people who kept suggesting that I am wasting my time by being with a man like him. Believe me, I am absolutely not happy with my situation either but it is for me to fix it and if your husband is a jerk or not is not for us to decide, we are after all some complete strangers, not even someone who knows your husband slightly. May be going back to work is not a bad idea after all, may be you can consider that and your situation can improve just because of the time you get to spend with other adults or may be do something else like a hobby, for few hours away from the kids and those mundane chores. Being a full time mom is the hardest and doing anything else will be easier! I was never concerned about my career as much as I am right now and I guess one reason is to really get away from doing all those household chores and boss around a little bit!
Best Wishes for you and me!
M.