Spoided Adult Daughter

Updated on March 31, 2015
M.V. asks from Rochester, NH
20 answers

We have an adult daughter who has been out light everday she brought into this world. We my husband and I have worked very hard to make sure she has everything. We saved forever for her. She had to have a 800.00 prom gown, We saved for her to go to school and paid in full with a car with only 45000 miles. She dropped out for a boy ( loser) then we paid for hairdressing school... she dropped out for another boy ( loser). Then she found a job and another boy who treater her bad and was a cheater. She had nothing to do with us and spoke of us as if we were the bad parent. It took her two years to call us. We bailer her out of her debts abbd moved her home. She got a new job a moved what a great oppertunity. We flew her home twice to find out she came home for another boy.(loser) She spent no time with us and he the loser could not find time for her so she just followed him around. Now she moved back and on her own with the loser. She has begged him to marry her for over a year. I am not allowed to speak to the losers parent. She now engaged. She has painted a horrible picture of me and my husband she says if I want to be apart of this wedding I cannot speak to anyone. Just be quiet.She does not want me to help her with the wedding or dress NOthing. She just says bring your check book. I am so done I finally told her off. Cant deal anymore. Just so angry.we dont talk anymore. I sent her and email stating that she will regrete making us out to be monsters we have given her everything.She does not want us there or involved we are just an enbassesment.

What can I do next?

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So What Happened?

I should let everyone know the word loser is for the site. I have never or would ever speak this to my daughter or to her boyfriends.I have always tried to be respectful to them. Excep the one who cheated reapeatedly and abused my daughter. Wheather I like them or not I keep it to myself. I was just trying to show a pattern. The word loser is all I can come up with no job no school just lets my daughter pay for everthing.

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answers from New York on

insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. The way to love out children is to say no. As much as needed. She has very low self-esteem becuase she has never accomplished anything on her own. She's alway been bailed out by you - and she feels, deep down, that she is not capable of doing things on her own. So she also chooses bad partners becuase she feels badly about herself.

She needs tough love - but it's so sad taht she has to learn this all in her 20s when she should have been able to learn it while she was a child / teen living at home.

7 moms found this helpful

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answers from Washington DC on

well, you created this. what do you want now?
you keep doing the same thing over and over, and wailing that the same thing keeps happening.
still not sure just what your question is. are you looking for sympathy?
here's a little.
i'm sorry you raised a spoiled brat, who is now behaving like a spoiled brat, and that you don't seem to get that you systematically made her this way. i hope you make better decisions in other aspects of your life.

14 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

Money didn't buy the things your daughter really needed. She needed to know that she was valued by others because of who she was not what she had. The more you give a child the less they value anything.

At thing point you need to reset your relationship with your daughter. Tell her that you love her but now that she's an adult she needs to stand on her two feet. Let her know that you love her. Let her know that you aren't going to pay anything toward her wedding and if she doesn't want you to attend then that's ok.

Then comes the hard part. Stop paying for anything. No bailing her out. She'll have to sink or swim on her own. If you don't break this cycle now you'll be using your retirement money to buy her a car or pay her rent down the road. Money isn't fixing anything in this relationship. You need to open your eyes and stop enabling her behavior.

10 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are starting to see that raising a child who never learned the word "no" is backfiring on you. You cannot buy a child's love and respect by giving her everything. You cannot just hope that eventually a child raised to be selfish and rewarded for being so will somehow think there is another way to be. She's never had to achieve anything - grades, school accomplishments, decent friends and boyfriends, etc. - because you always gave her more "stuff" no matter what. In fact, the worse she performed, the more stuff she got.

But it also sounds like she will never quite measure up to your standards, at least in the "man" department - you let everyone know that every guy is a loser. Nothing drives a girl toward a man faster than challenging or daring her parents. So you are pushing her toward them, whether you want to or not. You don't approve but you want to help with the wedding, and (according to your second post) you have bought glasses and gifts and made heirlooms for her. So it's a complete mixed message.

Your job as a parent is done. She is an adult. She has made choices. You don't have to participate in them, and you certainly don't have to pay for them. She has to learn what life is like.

Please, please, get counseling so that you can come to terms with this and figure out your next step. But you still think it was a good idea to give her all these things, and you are defending your choices. You need help gaining perspective. And you are still worried more about what she says to others about you, as (perhaps) you were worried about others' opinions of you (like buying an $800 prom dress). Your daughter has been in charge of this family from the get-go. You need some objective and caring professional counseling to figure out how to proceed.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

I never understand posts like this ..

The solution is you can't change her ... you can only change yourself. Right?

To me this is about respect. Your daughter doesn't have any for you because you are a doormat/enabler. You gave her everything and put up with her disrespect all these years.

You don't respect your daughter or her choices - that much is obvious from calling her fiancé loser, etc.

You don't respect yourself, because you allow this to keep happening and don't seem to realize you can stop it. It's within your power.

She doesn't respect herself because she keeps going out with sub-par guys and hasn't learned to accomplish anything on her own. She sounds like a teenage brat.

So ... you have to change things. I don't understand if it's because it's gone on so long, or you're so into this drama ... but stop what you are doing. That's the first step.

Don't let her (or anyone else) treat you like this.

Stop giving her money.

Sorry to be blunt - I am sure this is frustrating and emotionally draining. You want this to be a happy time, so put your foot down, make some changes and move forward. Good luck :)

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. Doesn't work. That is what you are doing here. Stop the madness. You can't buy her love. Put the checkbook away and don't give her anymore money.

She wants to dictate how the wedding is going to be? Great, she can pay for it.

Also, STOP calling him loser. He might be one but you calling him that only pushes her towards him more.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

I am sorry if I sound rude but you created this issue by giving her anything and everything she wanted.

I have an only child (20yr old girl) and yes, she is WELL cared for and fully funded but she knows without a doubt if she does something stupid and treats us like your daughter treats you, she will be 100% on her own.

She knew this early on as well. We taught delayed gratification. When she wanted something, it was delayed a bit so she knew to have appreciation for whatever she got plus respect for money and her parents.

We have a substantial wedding fund ready for our daughter but is she acted like your is now, I'd take that wedding fund and buy a condo on the beach in Miami and let her do her own thing.

I agree with STOP calling the guy a loser.

Remove yourself from her life right now as she suggest. She will be back when she realizes what she has left behind (not the money, but supportive parents)

8 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

I would give her what she thinks she wants, minus the checkbook for the wedding. Step back; don't talk to anyone, including her, and let's see what she can do as far as the wedding without you. But, when she does call begging for money, you have to say "No" and stick to it. She has no idea what life without the bailouts from mom and dad is really like. She needs to find that out now. It may take her until she has her own child to come around, but eventually she will. Until then, let her fly mama and let her fall. It's a life lesson that she HAS to learn.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Miami on

Okay, here's what I will say to you, based on the information you have related. You have taught her to expect you to always give her whatever she wants. She now demands it. She doesn't understand men at all. Why is that? How is it that she never learned how men and women should relate to each other? How is it that she didn't learn any better than to date abusers, follow guys around who clearly don't love her or want her?

Did you never discipline her when she was a kid? How did she come to disrespect her parents so much? WHY did you give her so much? DId you never require her to get a job to pay for stuff like an $800 prom dress?

The only thing that is worse than having a monster of a daughter like yours is to let a monster of a daughter like your continue to boss you around, take money from you and treat you like dirt while you give it to her. So leave her alone now. If she wants to be married to this guy, fine. NO CHECKBOOK. She can pay for the wedding herself. You should just forget about going. She's made it perfectly clear that the only reason she is saying that you can come to the wedding at all is to get you to fork over money. Forget it. They won't stay married for long anyway.

It's time for her to make her own way in life, M.. If she wants to blame you and her dad for all her problems, that's up to her. Until you stop bowing to her whims, she will NEVER have to take responsibility for her own life.

If you had reined her in when she was younger, you wouldn't have had this problem. Now you have to let her go and let her learn the hard way, what you didn't teach her.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Oklahoma City on

I have a daughter much like this. Once I told her I was broke and had zero money she stopped calling me to use me. Once she figured out what an adult was she started coming back around to be a human being towards me.

YOU have to stop being her doormat. YOU have spoiled her in a big way and you said it yourself. Now is the time to be done.

IF IF IF you want to go to this wedding and write a big check to pay for her God knows how expensive of a wedding then go and do it. Stand proud and tall and smile a lot and be gracious. Make her look like a fricking idiot.

If YOU act like a lady and your husband acts like a gentleman and no one can say anything bad about you in any way then she loses credibility.

If you just want to be done with it then do it. Cut her off before you spend tens of thousands of dollars on her dream wedding just to hear about what losers you are and how you ruined her big day.

I'd be done with her and tell her you're broke.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Springfield on

She's spoiled because you spoiled her.

You teach people how to treat you. You taught her that she can have anything she wants, monetarily, and that there are no consequences for her actions. You taught her that you don't matter, that how she treats you is unimportant and you are surprised that she isn't nice to you and grateful? You have to teach children how to be grateful.

I'm sorry that you were ever under the impression that giving your child whatever they want is a good thing. It's a horrible thing.

It's important to give children love. It is not important to bow down to their every whim.

You didn't teach her that hard work pays off. You didn't teach her that if you want things you have to work for them. You taught her that her actions to not have consequences because Mom's money never runs out. You taught her that you are a door mat for her to step on.

Good luck with "parents anonymous." I hope you learn how to have a better relationship with your daughter.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Phoenix on

Suz T is right. Kids don't spoil themselves. She is an adult now so if I were you I would just step back and let her do her thing without any input from me. It sounds like she's an only child? If so and you want to help with the wedding I would just say we can give you $5,000 or whatever amount and cut her a check and stay out of it. I got married for the first time at 30. Both my grandparents and mom did this and frankly it was wonderful. I made all the decisions but they helped financially. If she is speaking badly of you, that just makes her look bad to people, not you. Don't lower yourself to her level. When you go to the wedding, be nice and smile and everyone who she's talked bad about you to will just wonder what the heck she's talking about because you are so nice and wonderful. Just let it all go and don't have any negative emotions. I know it's hard but step back and give her some space and don't get caught up in to the drama. Good luck.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

That's just the problem. You bought her everything. You turned yourselves into a bank, even when she was making poor choices. So now she's marrying someone you don't like and she only wants your money, not your management. If she doesn't want you to talk to the other parents (and say what? You don't like their son?) you need to consider WHY. If my mom went to my FMIL and said something negative about my fiance wouldn't want her at my wedding, either! They are not little kids and you have to accept her choice, whether or not you are there for the wedding.

I have grown sks who aren't close to their mother. They've never outright said so, but they're adults now and don't have to put up with her demands. She spoiled them materially all their lives...but was never there when it counted. It's not about the prom dress or the price tag on anything else (but you obviously keep score). It's about did you take time to build a relationship? My guess here is no. You say you're upset that she's built a horrible picture of you to others...frankly, though I don't see her as an angel either, this post is not helping your case. Maybe she will regret it - or maybe she will be relieved you won't be dogging on her fiance and she can enjoy her wedding.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

You have spoiled her. I hate to say it, but this is your fault. You overindulged her and bought her everything.

Don't buy her anything else. Don't pay for ANY portion of her wedding. It might take a few years, but eventually she will come to respect you again and stop treating you poorly.

It's surprising and ironic that the outcome of spoiling kids is that they often don't appreciate you and treat you poorly.

DO NOT bring your checkbook. I completely agree with Gidget.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Boca Raton on

Have you sought any counseling or therapy about this situation? It might be helpful to talk this through with a neutral person.

Since we're only hearing one side of this issue, it's hard to give informed opinions.

It does sound like you have an expectation from her after all that you've "done for her." Parents are supposed to "do" for their kids. If you enabled and financially supported an adult child - that choice is on *you*. You didn't have to do that. You are not required to be a doormat for adult kids. You sound resentful. Your feelings are valid. My only point is that you will never heal this situation until you see your part in it.

I really hope you will seek some professional advice. Even if most of the problem lies with your daughter, you will learn how to cope with the situation in the healthiest way possible.

Wishing you peace and clarity.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Santa Fe on

What does she say about you? It would be easier to give advice if we knew a little what she thinks (even if it is not true). It sounds like you gave her everything in life when she was growing up. This is not a wise way to raise a child. Did she do chores? Was she expected to get a part time job at age 16? You should have worked on teaching her to be self reliant and about gaining skills and about supporting herself. She should have been taking care of her own bills and buying her own car. I would have said you have $80 to spend on a dress. If you want one that is more expensive then you need to save for it from your job/babysitting/pet sitting. She was given everything she wanted instead and has no respect for you. And she became entitled. My advice is to let her live her own life. Let go of wanting to help her with the wedding or dress. Let her do it. Don't have an opinion on her fiance. It's her life. Vent to your friends about things. When you are around her just be positive and listen. Don't harp on her. Don't give disapproving looks. Don't be negative. Just say encouraging words and let go of wanting a normal relationship with her. Give her space. She sounds to me like a messed up woman who could benefit from therapy. BUT she needs to come to this conclusion herself. You could greatly benefit from therapy also...why not call and make an appointment?

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Norfolk on

She's an adult.
It hurts when you do your best, bend over backwards and your child is ungrateful.
But it happens.
Tell her you wish her well - you always have - but you need some time apart.
Send her a nice card for her wedding and your regrets that you will not be attending.
You've given her more than enough in the way of support/money/gifts - so don't do anything more.
If/when she starts a family, open up a savings bond for the kid(s) and nothing more.
No doubt they'll all think you're monsters but you can't control what they think - and to a degree you shouldn't care.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Austin on

I am so sorry that you daughter is treating you like this.
I know it hurts your feelings, and you miss her, but she has no right to continue to disrespect you.

I hate to tell you this, but unless she decides she needs professional help, she is going to continue this behavior and it will become worse.

She sounds likea narsssistic personality. She wants you to provide and the more you give the more she demands. The not wanting you to speak with anyone? This is the turning point.

No one is allowed to tell us who we have to be and who we can speak with.

I know this because my sister is exactly like your daughter... she does not want us around her boyfriend, his family, her friends unless we behave the way she tells us to. If we step over HER line, she freaks out....of course not in front of these people, but later. It is not only ugly, but has become scary.

I have learned to just not be around her any longer. I will not be a part of an emotional abusive persons life. I do not deserve nit need to be around this.

Your daughter can say and do whatever she wants, but do not be guilted with blackmail to play these games with her. She needs to be responsible for her own life and choices.

I know it will be so hard to not to witness her ceremony, but, if you attend and do not set some expectations for her behaviors, and speak for yourselves, you all are going to be made out to be the people that she has described you as.

Instead, live your truth. I give her marriage, 1 year, 3 if she has a child.
Tell her, we will only attend and help with the wedding on OUR terms.
1. We will speak with whoever we want to. We will tell the truth. We will not lie for you. Does not mean you will bring up any subjects to portray her , but if asked, or if a subject is brought up that is not true... you will answer truthfully.

2. If we help pay towards the wedding, we will only give you... Whatever amount you are willing to give her. I would not give her over $1000. And I mean, not a cent more. Heck, I would not even give her the money until she goes through the actual wedding and gives you receipts.. But I am sure she would flip out if you told her this.

Be very clear, that she is to respect you from now on. If she speaks ugly or with disrespect, tell her, "I am hanging up, when you can speak without yelling, threatening, whining, whatever.. You may email me or call me back." And mom, do it. EVERY time!

My mother, my father and I do this with my sister. I have not spoken to her in about 3 years, because she refuses to be respectful to me. I do not deserve to be snapped at, chastised, and bullied by anyone. You do not either.

I am sending you strength and peace.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

Why did you think giving her everything was going to produce anything different than a spoiled, entitled brat?? Did you ever make her work to earn any of the costly things you mentioned above?

Spoiling a child with things creates a spoiled brat. You did this and now are hurt that she is a spoiled brat that is now a spoiled adult brat.

I would not pay a dime for her wedding if she treated me this way. But, you are not going to do that because you equate love with things and you are so desperate to get her attention.

I suggest you go see a counselor and work through your issues. Why you feel the need to lavish a child with things. Why you can't say no to your daughter. Why you are so wrapped up in your daughter's bad decisions and bail her out each time.

I am sorry that your daughter is treating you this way. Usually when children grow up, they gain such an appreciation for their parents. That is what maturity and life experiences creates in an adult.

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answers from Chicago on

Do not bring her your checkbook. Enough already. Did it work? No. You had every ounce of love and wonderful intentions to help her and no matter what she is hurting you each and every day. Yes, talk to the parents. You can be their guest! And get some counseling. If it's a different sort of financial problem, go to a church counselor or someone in the community. she is playing with the oldest tool in the book and that is her joy knowing she is causing you pain You can't make her call, and you can't make her change. You can however change yourself and your reactions. You can seek out substitute daughters who will fill that void in your life. You did fine, you did your best and now as painful as it is you simply have to let yourself disengage. I have a feeling the 'losers' she picks serve a couple of purposes: she really has very little self worth in spite of her bullying rants and she knows they irk the heck out of you. On another take you could perhaps invite 'loser' over and befriend him. And last word. Never utter a single bad note about her to him either. That will bond them further. Good luck, as I know this is causing so much pain.

1 mom found this helpful
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