Sick Grandfather

My neice went through they samething when my brother got into a massive car accident. He was on life support for 2 weeks and when he started coming out of it she was the first one he responded to. My neice was 4yrs old. My sister went to a consulor and asked what she could do and he said wait for her to talk about her feeling. she was told to see if they were any signs of regression. (weting the bed, sucking on thumb, any thing she would do that was a little odd and not age related) You should read some books that related to this type of thing. Hope all goes well.

Hi there,

Being a school psychologist, I see this kind of reaction all the time. Sometimes children know that the parents are upset and they don't want to upset them further by showing their own emotions. How are you and his dad reacting to your father-in-laws illness....it is certainly understandable if you and your husband are distraught over this...your son may not want to make it worse for you, but when he is in a setting, such as school, he doesn't have to worry about that as much and it just comes out there.

You may want to work with your school's school psychologist or guidance counselor and perhaps have him make a book where he can either write or draw about his feelings say at school, then he can bring it home and you can look it over with him and talk about it.

Just a thought...best wishes for you and your family during this difficult time:).

S.,
What your son is experiencing is certainly normal, he is obviously overwhelmed with feelings and I am sure a little scared. It is good you are concerned about his being able to handle his feelings, and don't feel bad about him not necessarily confiding in you. My kids have lost several family members, or had seriously ill friends, and each child dealt with the experiences differently. Have you spoken to a counselor at school? Sometimes a child may respond better to someone who is outside the family. Do you have a neighbor or friend that your son is particularly close to and that you trust to listen to him? He may work this out on his own, but it would help to have someone around that he might confide in. If it becomes a more serious problem, maybe going to see Grandpa might not be such a good idea. While your son wants to go, he just may not be able to handle it emotionally. And last, there is always professional counseling with a good child psychologist to help him through such a tough time. Good luck!

There are many books you can get that help children deal with illnesses and death. You can get them at your local library or even at the hospitals sometimes, or just do a search for them online. You might want to talk to your sons guidance councilor and teacher and let them know what is going on. They might be able to talk to him as well.

Good luck and hope your FIL gets better
M.

S.,
I could be wrong, but I think your son is trying to be "big and Stong" for you and that is why he is telling you time and time again that he is fine. He doesn't want his mommy to be sad or worry about him.

I think that you are doing a wonderful thing by including your son in the process of illness, death, and dying. It is a fact of life. It teaches caring, compassion, and other "normal" feelings when someone we love and care about is hurt, sick, ill, or dies.

While you can't protect him from everything, it is obvious that he is experiencing all the "normal" feelings that occur with these things.

I think you are doing everything right...not pressuring him, not making him talk to you...just leave the door open...make sure your son knows he can always come to you and talk to you about anything...and make sure that you also are not afraid to express your feelings...it is appropriate to cry, be sad, and tell your son that you are....it is ok for him to see this...and it is ok for you to also talk to him about how you feel about it. Mabey you are being "so strong" that he is mimicking you...

Hi S.,

Sometimes it's hard for kids to be open about their feelings with their parents. Kids can be really complicated - especially dealing with issues of mourning and loss within a family. It's possible that he doesn't want to burden you with his feelings, or is afraid of breaking down in front of you. 6 is young to be aware of all that, but some sensitive and smart kids are totally aware of those kinds of nuances (even if they are totally wrong about it).

Since he isn't really comfortable talking to you about it, I would recommend that he go to therapy. His school may have a therapist or guidance counselor who is trained in dealing with loss and bereavement (the death of his uncle is probably really intense for him now). If the school doesn't have anyone for him to talk with, look into private child therapists or a mental health agency.

Try not to take his silence personally - he's probably just trying to figure out how to handle everything. Sometimes having a person outside of the family who is trained in dealing with those issues can be immensly helpful. Another possibility is to look at a bereavement group for kids - usually they are offered for free at hospitals and hospice centers. Although at 6, it is probably more appropriate to do individual work together.

Good luck,
R. B.

S., this is a hard subject. My Mom got sick 3 years ago this Halloween, she passed away the following April. My youngest son was 9 at the time, just about to turn 10. In fact, she died the day before his 10th birthday! They were extremely close, he was the "baby" of 12 grandchildren and he was over her house all the time for sleep overs. I did not tell him how sick she was until right near the very end, I wished I had broken him slowly to it. He was fine when she died, I mean he did cry, but seemed ok. I was amazed, I really thought he would be worse. He saw the counselor at school and was going great. That was April, the following November, he lost it. He had a complete break down Thanksgiving night and cried for 3 hours! He ended up being in a total depression, was afraid to leave the house, everytime he had a stomach ache thought he was dying "like Grandma" (she had overian cancer) I had to take him to his doctor to explain that! I finally found a really good therapist, and he had sessions 3 time a week for 2 weeks, then once a week and he was dismissed before Christmas! He is much better now, but all his writing at school deals with Grandma and her dying (even almost 3 years later). Some kids are sensative, and hold it in, but let it out in other ways. I would definately seek therapy, just to talk. Sometimes they don't want you to worry about you too. I know I was running around after work every day going to the nursing home and was getting home at 7pm to see them just before bed. He knew I was upset, so he tried to be strong. He learned the hard way is is ok for guys to cry and have feelings! Best of luck. Let me know how he is doing.

Have you tried talking to him about your feelings? Maybe he feels too much pressure or doesn't quite know what to say, but if you could show him how to do it, it could get him to open up. Maybe worth a try. Poor little guy.

Hi my name is M. and a year and a half ago my father-in-law died from brain cancer. I'm very sorry yours is ill. The only thing you can do is tell him that your there for him and all the other things you are doing right now. I understand that you are concerned about this but remember children are not as fragile as we think and sometimes are stronger than us.He will be okay it is hard for everyone to deal with these types of events but he will be okay. When My- father-in-law passed it was hard. every so often you see one of the kids cring and all you can do sometimes is hold them. this is something we all wish we could make better but sometimes it also has to run its course and everyone deals in differant ways.I'll keep you all in my prayers and I hope everything will work out in the end.

When my father was in the hospital two years ago, my son (then 5) reacted almost the same way. What I decided to do was tell him that I was very sad that grandad was in the hospital and could I please have a hug to make me feel better. It worked wonders, he started slowly opening up about how he was feeling about it also and he knew then that he was not the only one that was really sad, everyone was.

It is perfectly ok to show your children that you are a human being with emotions and that you know the right thing to do with those emotions. If you don't, they won't know how to handle them for themselves.

S.,
First, I'm very sorry to hear about your father in law. No one should have to endure that, no matter how young or old they are.

Secondly, I understand exactly what you're going through. I have a 9 year old son who has done the exact same thing. He has been through too much for a 9 year old and I was very worried that he would become depressed too so I took him to see a child psychologist who after meeting my son a few times assured me that he is a healthy, happy and smart child. She reminded me that he's male and we are females and that a lot of times they just don't want to talk because they're "guys" and we WANT to talk because we're women. Just continue to reassure him that you and you're husband are there for him if he wants to talk and it's ok to feel what he is feeling.

If he never comes to you to talk, that's ok. My son has done this to me on several occasions and I try not to worry (it's hard to do because I'm his mother and I'm a woman) but in the end he will work it out on his own or with help he seeks from you, friends, his dad, a teacher, etc.

If you're truly concerned that things are getting worse then perhaps a visit or consultation with a child psychologist would help.

Good luck!!