Should I Continue Sending My Daughter to Her Father's?

My son went through a similar stage when I would leave him at daycare. He has since outgrown it (for the most part). It's really hard to leave them when they do that, but I think it's really important to follow through. I'm no expert, but if you trust him with her, I think it's great for her to have a relationship with him and to learn that she can be okay with people other than you. Also, this will teach her that you'll always come back for her and that she can't manipulate you by crying. Be tender, loving, and firm.

She is just having a litle separation anxiety. She rally is fine. If you show her any sort of "regretable emotion" when you drop her off she will pick up on it and it wil be worse next time. You should just drop her off, say mommy loves you, 1 hug 1 kiss and only 1 goodbye. A routine like this for a few drop offs at preschool and daddies house and she will be fine with you leaving her in either place.

You answered your own question. You said she stops crying about a minute after you leave. It's her job to try to make you feel guilty! But as long as you know she's getting the proper care at her dad's house, then you shouldn't stop her from seeing him. Maybe you can come in his house with her for a few minutes until she's comfortable with the transition instead of just dropping her off at the door. But if you stop her from seeing her father, you're the one she's going to resent later down the road. P. (mother of 4)

M.,

I have read your question, and some of the responses, and although I agree with them to some degree, there are also other reasons. One is that she does love her dad and she feels guilty for loving him too so she wants you to know that she still loves you too. The other reason, is that it is normal. Although there may be some manipulation to it, there is also some normal anxiety associated with a parent leaving a child. Don't worry. If you need to, tell her it is okay to like going to Daddy's that it does not hurt Mommy's feelings. This simple sentence may help out a lot.
L.

definitely keep sending her. if u trust him with her then send her. she needs to be around her father and she needs to know that she cannot manipulate you into always getting her way.

M.,
Yes I think you should still send her to her dad's. I am sure she is fine after you leave. She is just trying to see if she can get her way.

Hope that helps.
S. in Falls Church, VA

Sounds to me like she's doing what almost ever child does... she's making mommy feel guilty for leaving her. She'll be fine and eventually stop.

If she does the same thing she does when you drop her off at preschooland there's no sign that anything's amiss, then it could just be that she has trouble separating initially. How does she do when she's there?

It's important that she have regular contact with her father, assuming that there's nothing going on.

Have you tried each having a calendar, and counting off the days when she'll see daddy/she'll see mommy? That might help, too.

Your lucky your daughter has a father you trust her with. To be honest I think your daughter is just being manipulative and attempting to control you. At her age she'll try anything to control you and/or her situation. I do not think you should stop her father from seeing her - she's lucky to have a father who cares to see her. In my opinion I think you should let her know there is nothing she can do to change this, he is her father & she will continue to see him on a regular basis at the appointed times. It may help to prepair her by stating tommarrow you'll go see daddy etc... If the visits are not on a scheduel, they should be made that way, so your daughter can eventually realize what to expect & when.

my son is the same age and i am in the same boat as you when it comes to parenting. My son also does the same thing when i take him to his dads. It is a manipulation thing, the kids are so used to us being the main figure in their life, but if she stopscrying when you leave then she is fine. And if you trust her dad then you should not take her away from him. you can try to stay for a few minutes and get her interested in something and then be on your way. We found that is what works best with my son. Good luck

Does your daughter cry when he returns her to you? It sounds like she is suffering from separation anxiety. That is completely normal for a small child; especially if they spend most of their time with one person. My grandsons are 5 & 7 and they still cry sometimes when it is time they have to go to dads. I know it breaks your heart but if you can get yourself to be strong enough, I am sure you will get through it. You also said you trust him with your daughter. That is the biggest part of the concern you should have.

M. yep penni has said it shes just making you feel guilty is all i would leave her visits with her father the way there are she is just trying to make u feel guilty you are comfortable and you know the father is good to her...she is just crying for a min or two then gets over it its just trying to make you feel bad and say ok come on with me then ..you cant give in ....to her making you feel guilty stay strong and let it go as its going enough times of her crying she will learn its not doing her no good to cry cause shes not gonna go back home with you ...she will get through this ...and dont let her make you feel guilty shes been going with her dad for 2 yrs now well shouldnt uproot now at least he wants to see her on a regular basis thats awesome :)

Hi! My name is J. and I really do think you should be sending her. I am also 24 years old and I have a 3 year old daughter and a 2 year old son. I just recently got married (not to their father) and moved to this area. Their Dad moved to Florida and though he talks on the phone with them, my 3 year old really misses him. She needs her Daddy. My husband is so wonderful with them, but there is still that little gap that only Daddy can fill. She's 9your daughter)probably just anxious that she's leaving you. If you trust him and no harm is coming to her, then I really think you should keep on sending her. Ah yes and i admire you for continuing going to school! YAY!

A friend just told me of the advice her new preschool suggested: make your goodbyes quick & sweet. If you hesitate & prolong the process (or allow her to) she may get the sense that you don't feel comfortable with the environment that you're leaving her in. As long as she really isn't going on for long after you're out of sight, she's probably fine & is just used to putting on the big show. Her daddy's important! A decision to discontinue the time they spend together could be detrimental. Good luck!

If your duaghter's father pays cild support, you have no alternative. Legally he is her father and by not allowing (or sending depending on who's perspective it is) her to go with him is grounds for a custody battle or even stopping of child support.

Hello M.,

Only you can decide if your child is safe with her dad, and if you know she is, than I would continue to send her there.
I have a four year old son who acts the same way. He has been going to preschool since he was 21/2 and he still cries 2 years later. We are very close, I am a stay at home mom, so he is very attatched to me. Every time I leave him at school, I have to stand there while his teacher peels him off of me and he is screaming and crying. Walking away is the most difficult thing I have to do. His teacher tells me that he stops within 30 seconds of me leaving the driveway. It is so upsetting and stressful. I know he is safe when he is there, I know he just wants to be with me. So, I continue to bring him and tell him that he has to go to school. Kindergarten is coming and he has to be prepared. The time your daughter has with her dad is important, and all I can say is that one day they will grow out of it. My daughter cried everytime I left her until she was in the 2nd grade. Just realize that your child loves you and wants to be with you. Take the crying as a compliment and realize that walking away means helping them learn how to cope with a sometimes difficult world.
I hope you find some comfort, and if you receive any help that works, please pass it on!
sincerely,
A. L

I think you should keep sending her even though she cries. She needs the time with her father. This is one of th most important times in her life. She needs both parents even if she doesn't want to go with him. It's only natural that she is going to cry,she is with you most of the time. If she doing it at preschool than im sure it has nothing to do with her father when she cries with him. She's just really attached to you. I hope I helped some.

When my son was born now 8 years old, he would go to his father's also. He would do the same thing and cry when he had to leave but if you show you are okay and confident in her going she will see that. If you do trust her father, there is nothing wrong with her seeing her father. really, she needs some of that time with her father. The key is to show your confidence and that there is nothing to worry about when she goes with him, she should follow. she is defitely trying to pull at your heart. You must be strong because kids do that alot as they get older. i hope i was some help.

T.

It's much much more complex than you think. It's not manipulation. She doens't have the experience or the motive for that. I use to cry when I'd have to go too. I use to hld onto the door frame of the preschool building! The preschool teacher 24 years later still remembered that. Being placed away from your mother while she's in an entirely unknown place is momentarily terrifying for some kids. It kind of feels like someone is telling you the earth is going to disappear for a while but you'll have fun and it will be back. You can't understand it and it. Crying is just the only way she knows how to let out her strong feelings about being away from you. She also might feel sad about leaving you for the same reasons an adult would it's just more amlified in her because she can't reason and control herself. Soon. Be patient and be happy.

Hi M.,
You can't feel guilty for bringing your daughter to see her father. I have a boy who will be 3 in october, and he is also manipulative when it comes to certain things. Kids know how to work us over and if they discover a way they will continue with whatever it takes, whether they are 6 months or 6 years old.
Since she is only crying for a minute after you leave her somewhere, I wouldn't worry about it. Don't make a big deal out of the leave. When you drop her off, make it short and sweet. Don't linger, because that will make it worse for both of you. If you are really concerned, sit her down with crayons, or paint, any kind of crafts, and while you are busy together, talk to her about it. It doesn't hurt to try.
I hope this helps some. Good luck!!

To me it sounds like your a very loving Mom, but yes I would send your daughter to her fathers house as long as he's not hurting her. It gives you free time w/o paying a babysitter all parents need a break. Don't feel guilty when she gets a little older she'll appreciate it.

If there is nothing "going on" then your daughter is probably just doing what all 3 yr olds do- especially 3 yr olds that go between houses and parents... my son did the same thing. It helped to have a structured schedule and preparing him by having a colorful calender with special stickers or something to paste on the days he went to his Dad's - something to give him some "control" also helped - picking out the "special shirt" to wear to his Dad's etc.- a special something that she only takes when she goes to preschool would also help ease the separation anxiety and give her some control.
Please also remember - my son would stop after I left too - he was feeding off of my anxiety - I needed to present a "this is an every day day - perfectly normal - in fact great- happening" and then he was fine - he was trying to please me by being upset - a little trying to manipulate too.