Seeking Advice:behavior

Hi A.,

My name is Judy and I also have 2 boys.

Please read a book called 1-2-3 Magic by Thomas W. Phelan, Ph.D. The book was recommended by the Tae Kwon Do Academy that my kids attend. It's helped tremendously.
We also attend Tai Chi together. Tai chi helps with being centered and focuses on breathing.

Hope this helps you A..

Have a great day!

Best,
Judy

I'm sure a lot of their lashing out is based in the family stress right now. Even though they are young they can see & sense it. Making sure you have plenty of "down time" and relaxed, loving, comforting play-time is very important. Remember the kiddos do what you do. So if they see an upset stressed Mama - they'll get wound up too. Make sure to keep yourself grounded so that they know Mama is doing OK. That will give them a safe haven, and they will probably start to relax and not freak out as much.

Just remember that the kids may not understand what is going on with you and your husband but they can feel the tension between you two. Plus this is normal with siblings and completly normal for this age. Try not to let the kids see you yelling or fighting or even crying with your soon to to be ex. This is also a way they are telling you they are not happy about the family being seperated. They know no other way of letting out their aggressions besides fighting with one another.

Good Luck

A.,

I just started reading an excellent book re: dealing with difficult children (although I think it should be read by every parent, whether their child is difficult or not). It was recommended by a developmental pediatrician who specializes in integrative medicine. Anyway, the book is called "Transforming the Difficult Child" by Howard Glasser. It focuses on rewarding positive behavior and directing our "energy" toward positive behavior rather than expending so much on negative behavior. It recommends defining the rules in a neutral atmosphere where your kids will know specifically what is allowed and not allowed. If a rule is broken, then a consequence is given (in a calm and neutral tone).

About me:

I am a mother of two - 8 yr old daughter, 5 1/2 yr old son. I am a registered dietitian specializing in pediatric nutrition and lactation/breastfeeding. Like you, my ultimate goal is to be the best mother to my children.

A.,

I wish that I could write you and give you some wonderful advice to help with the behavior problems, but the only thing that I can tell you is that you are not alone. I have behavior problems with my 2 year old; he is so aggressive and I feel that I have tried everything in the world to correct his behavior and I feel that I am getting nowhere. It is rather embarrassing in public!

Again I am sorry that I have no advice; I hope that it might help to know that you are not alone.

A. S.

A.,

My suggestion is following through on whatever punishment you think fits the crime. If you are going to do time out then make sure it's the same chair each time and they sit in it for 1 min for each year they are. You may have to walk them to the chair several times and put them back on it before they get the hint. BE CONSISTANT. It's hard when you are a busy mom of more than one kid... 1+1 is not two when it comes to kids. For the older child with the back talk, I find that soap in the mouth usually works well. Make sure it's not something that will make them severly sick before using it though. Good luck.

Hi A.,

2 books that have greatly influence me are
"Backtalk" and "Love and Logic. " The first one is completely clear and concise. For example instead of saying "if you do this again..." you change your phrasing to "either you pick up/stop/listen or we put the toy away/don't go for ice cream/..." It gives the child the opportunity to choose his behavior. The most important thing is follow-through. The second book has a really great appraoch to logical consequences but also a way to interact with your kids in a loving but clear way. My favorite example is when your child is asking over and over for something that you know is not in their best interest (i want a cookie, toy, more tv...) just say "I love you too much to argue about this". This works wonders. Good luck!

D., mom of 2
www.CelebrateFamilyTucson.com

try to make them hold hands for about a few mintis or put your 4 yearold in his room and the 2 year old in his room untill they can play nice to gether

A.,

Have you heard of Love and Logic? It is a set of parenting resources that I think are really good and deal with these kinds of behavioral things. Check out their website, I think it is LoveandLogic.com, if not search for it. There are classes taught in the Denver area and good books, or books on CD if you don't have time for a class.

Good Luck
G.

Have you heard of Love & Logic? It is a great parenting philosophy! Go to loveandlogic.com and check it out! Good Luck!

The book Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood: Practical Parenting from Birth to Six Years saved my life. It WORKS. There's not a lot of psychology mumbo-jumbo just practical, immediately applicable advice that teaches you how to love your kids more and help them learn to be responsible without yelling, or disciplining them all the time. Instead, you just let the practical consequences take over. IT'S AWESOME!! I LOVE it! I think you can get it from the library or from www.half.com it comes in a book or on cds to listen to. Seriously try this you'll be astounded how quickly you get results you all can live with. p.s. works on husbands too!

A large part of the problem is the change in the family dynamic. They are insecure and the lashing out is how the express themselves. Understand that first. As for HOW they lash out, you need to establish boundaries and enforce them so the boys KNOW they are secure.
When my daughter used to bite, she got bitten back by the person she bit. Throwing, well, for that one she was warned that whatever she threw was put in time out for a day or 2. If she throws something that doesn't belong to her, I go take a favored toy and put it into time out. If she continues to throw things, the toy goes in the trash.
My daughter is someone who will actively push her boundaries and is a complete hellion. When I enforce the established boundaries, she then settles down and we get along great. For some reason, when you establish and maintain the boundaries (even if it seems like you're beating your head against a wall), kids feel safer and more secure.

Hi A.,

I am in a similar situation with a two year old. My child only seems to throw tantrums when he's with me, as my sitter says he never does it with her, and my ex-husband says it's very rare that our child does it when he's visiting. I've tried to spend a little more time with my child in the morning and evening, more one-on-one time. That has helped a little, but I have had no luck with time out's and don't believe in hitting either. The half hour I spend in the morning prior to taking my child to his sitter's home, seems to have helped with any morning tantrums, but later in the day, we still have them often. I hope to get some advice too!

Hello A.
I also have two boys ages 3 and 4. One min they love each other and the next they are fighting so I know how you feel. When they fight I get down to their level and explain to them how fighting is wrong and hurts their brothers feelings. When my boys would say bad words I would warn them if I hear that again you will get soap in your mouth the next time I heard the word I would get alittle soap on my finger and put it in their mouth. One of our bad words is if one boy tells the other "your not my friend" I only had to tell them once that was a bad word. I tell my boys all the time how they make me feel if they are not listening I tell them that makes me angry and sad that they don't listen, most kids don't want their mom's angry or sad. If I ask them to do something a few times and they don't do it I ask them "what did I ask you to do? and why arn't you doing it?" then I will tell them they lose something either watching TV or a toy or a treat after dinner. I also tell them I love them and I kiss and hug them all the time and I encourage them to tell each other they love them.

I hope this helps, I know how hard it is to have two boys so close in age.
C.

Your children are lashing out at one another because of the divorce more than likely. When a child is hurting at that age they generally try to hurt others they love. They do not understand what is happening. I suggest you show them lots of love and when they lash out at one another have them to hug one another and say I love you. Actually, we have a teenager and when she is lashing out and having trouble coping with anything we have a huddle and we all three just give one another a big hug. Hugs does wonders even when you don't want to hug. The hugs will probaly even help you feel loved. Try to keep them busy doig things. Also, you will need to do special things with them because they need LOVE at this time in their life not sticking them in the corners. When I was a kid my younger brother and I fought a lot. My mom would make us hug and say I love you and then sit on the steps by one another. It worked. I hope this helps heal you guys hurt. Heres a Hug for you guys!

A.-

If you are going through a divorce and the dad is not around as much as he used to be, the boys are probably noticing that and becoming upset with it. Children are very perceptive about these situations and they also pick up on your stress as well. I am a CPS worker for Arizona. I have seen many scenarios. Your kids need to hear from you and their dad about what is going on ( in kid friendly terms). They need to be re-assured constantly that they are loved by you and their dad no matter what happens. Also, this is the hard one, but you and the dad need to act nice to each and keep arguements to yourselves. Be as friendly and civil to each other when the boys are around.

I have boys that are the same ages. We have been dealing with the same issues. I have just started a chores chart things like brushing their teeth, making their bed, helping with laundry, and playing nicely with your brother. They can earn stars, after so many stars they get a treat. My treats include reading a special book, watching a movie or cartoon, playing with playdough, anything that they enjoy to do, but not as often as they would like. It has only been a few days, but they love trying to earn their stars. When I see that their behavior is acting up, I remind them about earning their stars.
Divorce is difficult, so many changes, they will continue to act out, but maybe lots of rewarding will help them out a little. Hope it helps!

have you tried time outs? I have 2 boys also my oldest is almost 8 and my little one is almost 4 and they are a hand full. I don't like spanking either so I put both in a time out in seperate conors and it's helped

A.-

My advice would be to see what Dr. Sears has to say about Discipline after Divorce and discipline in general. He is a wonderful advocate of positive disciple and shaping a child's behavior: http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp. But most of all try to maintain any routines you had before the divorce and remain as consistent as possible with discipline. All routines are important so that the kids can predict what is next so they feel they have some control in their lives. Give them control over simple choices too, like what to eat for breakfast or what clothes to wear. They are probably feeling overwhelmed and confused by the divorce. Love them as much as possible. Show them the divorce doesn't change that. Try to spend time with each individually so they don't have to compete for your attention. Good luck! J.

Hello- I think maybe their change in behavior is due to the change in your family. Try explaining to them that while you love them very much they have to mind and respect each other. Whatever punishment you dole out- follow throught every time. God Bless in this difficult time.

A.,
Sometimes I think it is just the age of boys when this all starts! My husband and I recently seperated and my four year old has become really physical since his dad moved out.I have two boys around the same age and I have really found success with using Love and Logic techniques. I recieved the book "Parenting With Love and Logic" as a gift when my second child was born and it is almost like a game. It deals a lot with natural consequences. You set the bounderies and then when they are crossed they already know or have an idea about what will happen. It is a little harder with the younger one, but the four year old will start to understand and hopefully make better choices when it comes to beating up his brother! It takes a little time to put the whole concept in effect, but I am seeing great results and I am almost having fun with it at the same time. I don't feel as though I am always yelling at the boys anymore. Good luck!