Having a Problem with Kids and Husband

I am just getting over that problem. My husband and I have been married for 8.5 years but together for 13.5yrs after we had children and since i didn't work it was just me doing all the chores of the house, well i finally snapped. I didn't say anything about what I was going to do not to the kids or my hubby my birthday weekend i spent cleaning up after everyone again and then it just hit me i was going to do like they do. i let almost 3 weeks go by before doing the laundry or cleaning and the best was when only the healthy food was left since the shopping hadn't been done was when my family started to help out and listen. it's not a perfect plan but it helped out a lot. we went from me doing 100% of the chores to me doing 40-50% and the rest of the family doing the rest. when the kids would ask for something i would just say mom who i'm not mom i'm just the maid and would just act like them and play the i don't know game. i wish you the best of luck and hopefully this helps you a little.

Wow... what a hard situation! My husband does that a little bit, but not too often luckily. Being a stay home mom is my job, so if he starts to undermine me, I usually say something to the effect of "I don't come to your workplace and allow your employees & coworkers to do what they want... don't come into my workplace and undermine my authority." If the conversation is not heated, I will then try to explain why I say "x", and when he then says "y", it confuses our daughter and causes "z" behavior. As for stopping yourself from yelling, you're just going to have to make a conscious effort. IT'S HARD!! I used to be quite the yeller, but I've read so many things about the negative impact it has on children (even if you aren't yelling at them), that I work very hard to keep my temper in check. I'm by no means perfect... sometimes a sentence or two of yelling slips out before I realize I need to tone it down. Good luck!

This is a complicated situation, because there are so many factors that could be contributing to your problem, yet they all need to be addressed.

First, YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND MUST PRESENT A UNITED FRONT WITH REGARD TO THE CHILDREN. Even when you don't agree with what the other is allowing or how the other is handling a situation, you need to back him/her up in front of the children. Address issues regarding the children in private or when the kids away. Otherwise, your kids will see the constant disagreement and will use that to their advantage.

In addition, IF YOUR HUSBAND DISAGREES WITH YOU IN FRONT OF THE BOYS, YOUR BOYS WILL PERCEIVE DISAGREEMENT WITH YOU AS ACCEPTABLE AND NORMAL BEHAVIOR. This is why your kids don't listen to you!!! Kids absorb all of our verbal and nonverbal cues and process it as normal and acceptable behavior. Unless your husband starts backing you up and supporting and respecting you, your children will continue to disagree, disobey, and disrespect. Your husband is their male model of behavior. They will act like him, so he needs to start behaving like a role model.

Without being in your house, I don't know how the boys are being handled or disciplined, or what consequences or lack thereof may be contributing to their behavior, but again, it all comes down to your husband supporting you.

I don't think you so much need a counselor, but perhaps marriage counseling will help. Many times, a husband's and wife's behavior with regard to the children stems from marital issues. My husband and I had many of your same issues with our son, and found that marital/family counseling not only helped us be better parents, but strengthened our marriage as well, since we were both feeling like we weren't getting the respect and love and support from each other that we would have liked.

I wish you the best, and hope that your husband will consider some of these ideas.

My husband did the same think when we had our foster kids. As soon as he came home the kids went wild and all of a sudden stopped listening to me. I found that when I brought it up to my husband face-to-face I came off as defensive and upset. So I sat down and wrote him a letter. I think the most important thing is that the conversation is NOT done around the kids. The first time my husband stood up for me the kids had a look of shock on their face. It is also very important that you are consistent. He needs to continue to support you, not just for a week and let it go. Maybe if you feel in the future that he is slacking a little you can have a word that you use in front of the kids to remind him. Like, say the word :bananas: to remind him that you have to remain united.

After I talked to my husband he said he was unaware that he was causing me so much aggervation. Your husband may not know either.

Good Luck,
Barb

When you tell the kids something and they don't do it make consequences and stick with it. Make a chart and give the kids stars for when they listen and do what they are told. Do this from Sunday-Sunday and if they don't do it they don't get a star and you take something away(phone,computer,ipod,bike etc etc) You have to be stern and stick with it. Get them involved in making the chart and picking some chores they have to do.

As for you and your husband you need to sit down and really talk to him. If he will not listen they you should get into to talk to a counselor/therapist.

You deserve happiness and you are not their maid.

Good Luck and Remember to be Strong and Stick with what you say!!

Short answer....yes you need a counselor, preferably for the whole family.
Longer answer. Your husband discounts/underminds what you say and do, so the children do this as well. He is the main one that needs help. However, you need help so as not to enable his hurtful and inappropriate behavior, which ultimately is harmful to the children. A vicious cycle. I think you in turn "yell way to much" because you are at your wits end, realize there is problem, but are without coping skills to effect constructive change. There also may be additional issues. You and your husband need a united front as to acceptable boundaries for the children's behavior. Agree on those, as well as healthy/responsible/non-destructive ways to make them accountable for misbehaving. Tme out/temporary restriction of a favorite activity....you get the picture. Address this immediately because it will just get worse as time goes on.

Try some positive disciple books. Kids are Worth It, How to Talk to Your Kids, Playful Parenting, etc. Google positive discipine. Stop yelling and model the behavior you want you kids to have. try whispering! Use the five steps: http://aolff.com/?page_id=6

Just try to break the negative cycle. I'm sure its very hard and you want to do your best. You can do it. Your kids will thank you for it. Also, sounds like you and DH need to get on the same page. Have you talked about counseling? A few sessions might really help. Maybe you can tell him its really for you, and he'll get some benefit too. At the very least a counselor can back up that you can not negate the other person in front of the kids.

Good luck!

I.

Dear K.,

I agree with the reward charts. In my house we have a time out spot. The kids are to stand and face the wall. It's the same spot every time so there is no confusion. I give them no more than 2 warnings. The Third time I say time out and face the wall. One thing that I would suggest is to watch Super Nanny with your husband. Maybe that will get him to open his eyes. If emotions are high, maybe try writting a small letter to express how you feel. Good Luck.
B.

Honey, I have the same problem! I don't have any advise, because I myself am trying to figure out what to do, I just wanted you to know that you are NOT ALONE! I will be checking up on the responses you get. Good luck to you.

Maybe you and your husband could sit down, when you are both calm (and not stressed or fighting), and discuss how his undermining your authority makes you feel. Instead of flat-out accusing him of purposely undermining you, you could use the "When You...It Makes Me Feel" approach. I learned it from a therapist several years ago.

"When you tell the kids they can have/do something after I've told them that they can't, it makes me feel like you don't respect me as a person/mother" (fill in with your appropriate grievences and feelings).

Let him have a turn too. Why does he feel the need to undermine you? Does he feel that you are too strict (or maybe too lenient?) Parenting is teamwork - you both need to play on the same team. Your children have probably already realized that you and your husband aren't on the same page - which is we they ignore you.

Discuss with your husband a parenting plan - then discuss it with your kids- as a family come up with family rules and consequences. Your husband has got to back you up - if you take away something like the kids being allowed to watch TV - then he needs to stand behind that punishment even if he doesnt agree with you. If he doesn't agree, then you and him can talk about it later after the kids are in bed and compromise on a different way to handle a similar situation next time. Maybe try some behavior modification to get the kids in the habir of listening to you again.

And if your husband isn't receptive to discussing how his behavior makes you feel, then a therapist might help you. Even if he wont go - if you go yourself it might help you deal with your own feelings about the situation.

Good luck!

My older son has ADHD and it's so easy to get into a pattern of yelling, especially since he's spacing out and literally does not hear us. And before you know it the tension level goes up and everyone is cranky and you're acting out these roles that you never imagined yourself in. I find it frustrating that for all the classes and things people can sign up for, there aren't parenting classes (like a little one-hour support and reminder session) on every corner. Would be a lot more useful than the cooking and tai chi classes the park district offers. I think going to a counselor would be fine, but I swear that we mothers really need personal coaches more than anything. (hmm, does someone do that? Will have to check) It's not that we're bad parents, it's that we get into lazy/bad habits sometimes. Especially if we have challenging kids, and I know mine are.

I agree with everyone else that you need to talk to your husband first. Maybe he thinks you're too lenient - let him talk without being defensive, and then start to make a plan together. I going to take a guess that you aren't being consistent with consequences. If you have to let things go, do that instead of threatening and then not giving a consequence. Also - I just read this in a book on ADHD - if you stop talking so much, your children will listen more to the words you do say (a difficult one for my husband, who likes to lecture, but it's funny how once you're aware of it you can almost see the children tuning out like a cartoon.)

I don't know how old your kids are, but I've had a lot of success with sticker charts for preschool age. They love getting a little reward, even if it's just a sticker. You could try a chore/reward system with tokens where they can save up to earn rewards as they get older. My son earns a token for things like getting dressed for school on time, brushing teeth, hanging up his coat, feeding the dog. He can save up for rewards - not usually things that cost money, but things like having hot cocoa or staying up 1/2 hour after bedtime or have a special outing with a parent.

Good luck!

Hello:)....I know what you're talking about.I think your husband is not respecting your authority as a mother and the kids feel this disrespect,so they know they can do as they please cause daddy thinks they're right and you're wrong.This will make you scream cause you're obviously frustrated.Talk to your husband cause that's where the problem lies.Tell him that while they're in your care,you're the boss and what you say,goes...no if or buts about it and when he backs you up on it,then you get the boys in line.Take away some things they enjoy until they promise to listen.When they listen,give the items back to them...this slowly will teach them to respect you...sounds simple but ya gotta work on it,stick to it,and work on the respect issues with your husband....Take care and have a nice day!

http://women.meetup.com/242/
hi K.!! hey, just wanted to invite you to join our women's group!! sounds like you need it!!

What about trying a discipline system like 1-2-3 Magic - there are books and videos (that you could watch with your husband) - it gives the kids structure and an understanding of consequences. It also gives you something to put in place and a system to follow.