Seeking Advice on Instilling Responsibility and Discipline in a 12 Year Old Girl

Take the computer away, and tell your husband that he needs to ehlp back you up during this time!!!! I have 4 kids ( 2 10 year olds, a 7 and a 6) and they ALL have chores that they need to do in order to do something special. My two youngest kids just started helping out with the dishes ( the 6 year old puts them away and the 7 washes them ) the 2 10 year olds do the garbage, and laundry. ALL of them help with cleaning the house, and they are in charge of keeping their rooms clean. I have read some of your responses and I agree STOP washing her clothes and make her do it, because of the age she is, she'll catch on quick when she has no clothes to wear to school that are clean ( becasue it is a girl it'll be quicker than if it's a boy because they get to a certain age where they just plaster themseleves with colonge and call it good HA HA) ALL 4 of my kids help with dinner. We alternate it 2 set the tabel, 1 helps make it ( helping them with reading and math, and time) and 1 clears the tabel, then we switch. I also take my 2 older ones to the grocery store to help with shopping ( again helping with reading and math because they have to add as we go along). She needs to start helping to get back those things, and if she reads for an hour a night, give her that much time on the computer. ( I would make her read in a location that you can observer her reading so she doesn't try to pull a fast one on you), as far as the phone my mom limited my time when I was in school, I was allowed 1 hour a night and it was AFTER my homework was done and BEFORE 9:00pm so if I shuffled my feet and didn't do my homework till 9:00pm I didn't get to use the phone, and if I needed to call a friend to ask a question about homework my mom sat RIGHT there and listened to my conversation to make sure I didn't get side tracked. Good luck

she is obsessed with the computer and making videos for you tube or i-chatting with her friends.talking on the phone.TV

She is 12,
Change the password on the computer, and take away the PHONE.

There is NO reason she should be on the phone and computer.

Do not wash her clothes any more she is perfectly capable of doing that herself.

If she doesn't have clothes for school or has to wear dirty clothes well thats her problem, she will learn.

you 2 teen daughters/children can help make dinner, alternating, show them how to read and follow directions

If they don't help make dinner, they don't EAT.
they will not starve themselves.

--The arguing is normal sorry to say , pretty much nothing can be done, unless you stop reacting.

As to discipline, rewards work but not excessive,
Eg.. if she does her home work, and chores, and reads for 1 hour per day,you will return the phone. ( NOT the computer)

Next if she does above and beyond , TV is returned,
( I know she doesn't WANT the TV)

If her grades are IMPROVED, you can give her back the Computer
on a limited basis for 1 hour per day.

---My son is 11 years old, and he does laundry, the dishwasher
clears the table, sweeps and cleans the family room.

He also hates reading, so i find other things he can do that require reading, like recipes, reading to his brothers,
saying prayers,

I don't allow him to talk on the phone unless his home work is finished and I am satisfied,

I NEVER allow him to use the computer NOT even for home work,
there will be plenty of time for that in the future.

He constantly yells and disrespects me, and it bothers me, but whats more important is that he LISTENS and does what he is told.

He likes rollerskating, so I take him, BUT he needs to behave all week, and Do extra reading.

As to his professional career as a child, and student

I don't worry about it, You have 3 children as do I ,
you should realize that NOT every child wants what you want,

This doesn't mean she isn't intelligent or Capable,
I means she wants something diffrent for herself than you want for her,

Sometimes its best to take a step back and focus on the child that wants it.

All 3 of my kids are diffrent, have diffrent needs, diffrent capacities, Its my job to fill those cups to capacity,
the thing is each cup is a diffrent size.And not everyone likes the same things.

L.,
You totally described my oldest son...he's nine and is way above level in school and because everything comes so easy he to puts forth the minimum effort required. I changed stratgies this year...I went to the school and asked for him to be placed in a classroom with a teacher who would challenge him and not tell him how smart he is but praise effort only...it's working...she is really pushing him and although it's been a battle he's starting to turn around and try harder. My husband and I have also only deciplined/rewarded him based on his effort(or lack there of). His report card is only a topic the day it comes home and most of the discussion is on the nonacademic parts(effort). My children all do chores...your daughter is older than my son you could try a freaky friday with her(switch roles) for a day(or afternoon)...you be the slob and text and ask whats for dinner and let her yell at you to clean and do your homework...I say you're the parent and she can only do these things if you make them available...put parental controls and block her, when she's done what needs to be done let her go on. My son always gets distracted by his books and drawing pad...I emptied his room, there's a bed, a dresser and a desk...he's earning everything back and if he goes off course I take it away again...I love my son very much and I explained to him if you can't do what is expected of you it won't be fun...My job is to turn him into a fine respectable man...my husband is much more laid back than I am but I explained I don't go to his work and tell him what he needs to do and what we were doing wasn't working...so we're trying this and it's been a long road but my son is worth it and it's working...I think everyone is different and different things work for every child. You can't just expect your child to wake up and be respectful, it has to be taught and given... I hope this helped, at least you know you're not alone.
C.

L.,

You are a much more experienced mom than I am, but I will say that I don't allow computer time and limit phone time to the amount of time the child has read a book at home that day. I know that this sounds harsh, but I truly believe that kids are way too involved with technology, self centered as a whole, and that they need to get back to the basics...reading, spending face time with family and friends, helping out around the house and with others, and good old fashioned outdoor play.

It is hard when the parents don't agree, and it actually is detrimental to the child because they learn to manipulate and disrespect their parents. My husband and I don't always agree about discipline either, but we have been making a very serious effort to be on the same page.

As for the computer skills thing...ridiculous reason to allow a child unlimited access to unnecessary computer use that can lead to meeting dangerous strangers and way too much negative influence. A child can learn computer skills in school just as easily as at home. Unless you are able to be over her shoulder while she is online, I personally think it is too risky. You obviously are a very loving parent, or you wouldn't be concerned about the behaviors you mentioned. We do our children such a disservice by indulging their self-centeredness.

You and your husband really need to have a chat about the outcomes you will get from the behaviors that you allow. Your daughters future is more important than her phone and computer. She needs to learn respect now or it can cause her problems later in life when she has to answer to bosses.

Hi L.
Make the computer a reward and not something that is second nature. Switch off the internet and make a plan out with her. Tell her that for every minute that she reads she gets a minute on the internet. And if your husband insists that the computer is teaching her something well that's fine too. There's lots of things you can do on the computer without using the internet it's self. Type a letter that's still using the computer. Once she realizes that in order to get something she has to give something, she'll get the hint. Not that she wont hate for it at first. But don't give in. I have a 12 year old daughter as well. If she doesn't read, then she doesn't get to go on the computer. One of the things i do is take her out to the library and pick out a book together. We end up getting the same book. I trick her and tell her that "oh wow that book you picked up looks good, i'll get the same one and we'll both read it". The trick is that i'm reading it so that i can ask her questions about it as she goes through the chapters. If she can't answer my questions that means she's pretending to read. GOOD LUCK

To all parents. I worry about the myspace and you tube. Here your children are talking and displaying information about themselves to thousands of strangers. There are preditors out there and quite a few parents think that their child is too smart to fall for that. More times then not that is not true. None of us want to think that, but look what the world has come to...... We went from don't talk to strangers to post messages and pictures of yourself for all to see. You think you know what they are all up to, but MANY of us really don't have a clue. Everyone says the kids are so smart on computers now a days and they are. Unfortuneately much smarter then we think or have a clue about.

Don't forget to check the history of where they have been on their computers. DO NOT ask them how. Go to a computer smart friend or a computer tech and ask them how. You want to trust your kids, but don't you want to keep them safe more. If you can't find advice on how to do this, send me a message and I will ask my son to write up directions that are easy to follow. He really cares about keeping kids/teens safe.

Hi L. - I'm the 41 year old Mom of a 12 year old girl that is a very good student and challenges me ALL the time. My best advice is - when she disrespects you or your authority - take away the computer and/or phone for a set period of time (day, week, etc.) - and follow thru.

Also - find something outside of the computer, tv that she can become involved with - and something that interests you - so you can participate together - one-on-one. I see you have two other children - so that may be very difficult to do - but it sounds like she could benefit from some very focused attention. She'll hate it at first - at least resist it. Try taking her for a hike in a local park, take a horse back riding lesson together, volunteer together to work with kids with disabilities, or a soup kitchen. My point - get her to focus on something/someone beside herself.

It's human nature to be self-center, especially at that age - help her to look outside of herself - not by lecturing or shouting or fighting (which we ALL do from time to time) but by changing her focus and opening up her world. It will begin to dawn on her (without you having to preach to her) how fortunate she is.

My daughter and I have done all of the things that I mentioned. Sometimes it feels like it works temporarily - she reverts to her mouthy behavior when we get home - but I'm finding it has a lasting, cumulative effect. And we have lasting memories of great / cool experiences, AND she has a wider world view.

Good luck with your girl. I'm sure she's a great kid.

I think you and your husband have to come to an agreement before you start discipling your 12 year old daughter. Otherwise your just wasting your breath. At her age she'll just think your a nag while her dad is the cool one.If you two work together she'll realize hey I cant get away with just getting by anymore.
Maybe you can have a girls day out whether its shopping,spa,or her favorite hobby and mention(dont over do it)it again to her,compliment her and even reward her if she applies herself like you know she can. I know she is 12 and you already have experience with your 16 year old but they all go through phases. I really hope it works out for all of you.Good Luck

Hi L.,

Keep thim busy! My kids are 11 and 16, they are involved in a sport and other extracurricular activities. Homework is done as soon as they get home, and then are encouraged to go outside or if weather does not permit maybe a craft or read. They help with dinner and chores when I need them to, they don't have specific chores. They keep their rooms clean so they like to spend time in them. We sometimes have clean house day, I tell them days ahead and then have some sort of reward like going shopping, out to dinner or maybe some other outing. We have a computer, but they don't spend much time on it, I would never allow a myspace page, they play some games and listen to music. Maybe sitting down with all the girls and going over things you expect and want might open a line of communication that might be missing. Good luck!

M.

I too had a very smart daughter who did not need to study much to pull A's. Chances are she is bored and looking for a challenge. Find things to challenge her. This gets tougher when you're a working mom but still possible. Computer and phone are priveleges not rights. She has to earn priveleges by participating in the household chores. Arguing is her way of testing her boundaries. Be firm and be consistent. Sometimes it is easier to give in than to listen to the whining and complaining but if you're decision is made with her best internest in mind then stick to it.
It is our responsibility as parents to raise independent children who can stand on their own when the time comes. We will not always be there so we have to be sure they know how to think for themselves, make decisions, do laundry and cook etc. Hang in there this too shall pass. And remember to enjoy now since it wont be here again....

Hi,
Geez, are you sure you are not talking about my daughter! Mine is 10 1/2. This morning I decided I had enough. I took the laptop and hid it away, left for work, and my mom gave over for the day. I dread the moment my daughter will wake up and realize theres no more laptop. However, I could not remove the table computer in our home office.
Last night I was so upset, she spent from 5pm to 9:30pm on the computer chatting with her school friends. I told her I had enough. She is one smart girl, gets A's in school and involved with lots of school clubs. However, I do not know what to do with this anymore. That's it I am sticking to it this time, no more computer, she does not respect the time limits I sent. Please help, if someone has any advice.
My daughter is very outgoing and loves to be with friends, (she's an only child). I always involve myself with her and we do lots of activities together ( I am a single mom).
Times have changed!!!!
Thanks