Consequences for a Lying 9 Y/o

Updated on September 23, 2010
K.C. asks from Salina, KS
13 answers

My son is almost 9 y/o & has a lying problem. My DH & I are at a loss on how to cure this problem. He lies about school stuff, things that happen when he & his brother are playing (wether he had done something or not) & he lies about silly unimportant stuff.
When he started school a few weeks ago I would ask him everyday (sometimes more often) if he had any papers or homework. Everyday it was the same thing 'no' & sometimes 'no, we don't have homework yet'. After 3 weeks I looked through his back pack & found a lot of homework, papers from his teacher to me & papers that were graded. Since he had lied so he could play the Wii as soon as he got home we took his Wii playing priviliges away for as many days as papers that he didn't give us. As of this morning he will not be allowed to play the Wii until early November. Now i have to search his back pack everyday (after he is given plenty of opportunities to get everything out) & every paper I find he gets another day added to his no Wii date. He seems to lie to get what he wants & doesn't seem to think before he answers my questions.
This is how the morning lying started:
This morning he asked if he could watch tv. I asked him if he had eaten breakfast (he knows that he has to eat before watching tv). He said 'i don't know'. So I asked him what he ate & he said 'cereal i think'. I informed him that I need a clear answer. So he said 'i had a fiber one bar'. I asked if that was enough. He said 'i had 2 fiber one bars'. I told him that he could watch tv, but if I find out that he didn't eat breakfast that he would loose tv for the day. He agreed (normally he would fess up about lying with the threat of a consequence). I looked around the kitchen & couldn't find any evidence that he had eaten. I confronted him & he said that he didn't eat. I told him to get something to eat. As he was eating I told him about the 'boy who cried wolf' hoping that it would help him realized that no one will trust what he says if he keeps lying.
Normally I can catch him in is lie, but now I'm running out of ideas for consequences. I'm thinking about a rewards chart for not lying, but what about the lies that I can't catch him in? Any suggestions would be a great help!

Thank You & God bless!

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So What Happened?

Thank You for your suggestions! My DH & I have made up a rewards system for him to gain back his Wii time. This way we are focusing on the POSITIVE instead of the negative. The system goes like this: every day that he gives me all of his papers from his back pack he gets 1 'Wii Dollar' & everyday that he doesn't lie he gets 1 'Wii Dollar'. For every 5 'Wii Dollars' that he gets we will take 1 day off of his 'No Wii' grounding/consequence. Right now he has 54 days of being grounded from the Wii ('No Wii' days). This will give him a chance to redeam himself from his bad choices & help him to make good choices by being honest.
Back ground info: my son hads been getting breakfast for himself since he was 6 or 7 & gets a feeling of accomplishment from doing it himself. Some days he even likes to make breakfast (cereal or a granola bar) for his 4.5 y/o brother. He is an awesome helper & loves to help others. His not giving me his papers is unusual, but he hasn't gotten back into the swing of school.

God bless!

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B.C.

answers from Joplin on

I am glad to see you are concerned about the lying, but I do not see how punishing him daily for papers in his back pack is necessary. Just make it a practice that every day he comes home from school to go through the back pack Together, 9 is still a little on the young side. My oldest son has issues with ADD and just remembering what he had done in class that same day was hard for him. I do think lying is something children do for attention, but it also habit forming, help him to break the habit with patience, love and gentle reminders...punishments do not work for every child. Try reading parenting with love and logic, it has helped in my home with my children.

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P.W.

answers from Dallas on

K.,
Would you consider kind of switching from negative to positive?

For example instead of taking the Wii away, how about rewarding him with the Wii. Right now it will be so long until he can play the Wii he has probably given up and thinks....."What the heck, I might as well do whatever....."

How about telling him he can earn the Wii back as soon as he catches up on his work. Then carefully monitor the situation and keep in contact with the teacher once a week. We tend to want our kids to do things on our terms. Can you give him more freedom, while still staying on top of him?

For example, help him choose times.....possibly.....as soon as he gets home go over what is in his backpack. Give him an hour of freedom or until dinner, then have a set homework time. If he has no homework perhaps he can read a book. Set aside a time that he knows he cannot have Wii no matter what.......so he might as well do his homework. Then the Wii is a reward for that. Monitor his progress daily and stay on top of him. He is still pretty young.

Sit down and talk to him (if you haven't already) about lies and how they always come back to bite. Plus he will always know in his heart he lied. In the end he will be the one hurt by them. Promise to be truthful with him and stick with it. I think he will outgrow it. Remember age 9 is the beginning of puberty. His hormones are already wreaking havoc with his brain.

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J.O.

answers from Chicago on

First off no TV at all until the evening when school is over and so is homework. Is he a third grader? At the schools around me the trid grade is when there is homework of some kind every day. Papers, math flash cards, spelling words to study, story to read for reading, so really the only day there will be no homework is Friday. That being said there has to be a routine in place for the school day. Get up, get dressed, eat breakfast, put snack in backpack, lunch box then off to school. Home from school back pack is brought to you and emptied, small snack, homework done, free play( wii or not up to you) Help get ready for dinner, clean up dinner, watch a little tv then ready for bed.
Kids need routines that are predictable but can be a flexible too. As for the actual lying he is really telling you what you want to hear so he can get what he wants. How you two communicate is going to have to change in order for the lying to stop. Consequences need to bigger he needs to something for you in order to regain your trust. Extra chores around the or neighborhood. We have a few older ladies that live alone on our block and when kids need to something for someone else I have approached them before the kids and asked if they could hep with yard or the trash cans to be brought out and in for a few weeks. this way they are given an opportunity show respect and responsibility outside the house and earn my trust back. Sorry it is so long. Good Luck!
J.

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A.C.

answers from Columbus on

I agree with the posters who say you need to micromanage him to make sure he's not lying, but I also agree with the other moms who say to praise & reward.

I would even go to far as to reward the smallest positive increment you can. He needs to see the positive results of acting correctly.

I wish you luck; it's a really difficult problem to root out and get rid of.

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S.G.

answers from Oklahoma City on

my friend has the exact same issue. she started sending a check list to school for teacher....attitude, homework, etc even went as far as teacher FAXING or e-mailing homework to her. so even if forgotten..."here it is but you're still grounded because you can't seem to remember to bring it home so i can't remember when i told you i'd unground you"

try a reward system in stead of a dicipline system...sometimes too much dicipline can make them just give up all together. and give a different dicipline if you do keep up the dicipline, make up your OWN homework for him to study and complete, then when he finish's that, send him to do the laundry, yard work...make it HARD

but i agree with a lot of mom's make him earn your trust back and make it slowly....like i don't believe you're eating breakfast...go sit at the table and let me see you eat, etc hand me your backpack after he tells you he doesnt' have any homework, then let him watch you go through it

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C.C.

answers from South Bend on

I really don't think you are being vigilant enough with him. At 9, he is not yet an adult who can take care of himself. He still needs guidance, and you still need to 'parent' him. He's clearly not responsible. You need to take it upon yourself to start checking his backpack every day. Yes, it's an annoyance, but also part of being a parent. My 10 year old daughter tried the "I don't have any homework" bit last year, until it caught up with her & i was getting notes home from the teacher. So finally, i had to just start patroling her homework every night. I said she couldn't go out & play with her neighborhood friends after school until her homework was done. (With your son, it's the Wii consequence). This year, the school has provided homework agenda's that MUST be signed by the parent(s) every night! So basically, that means we have to look in the agenda, see what work/reading they have to do, then sign the agenda. If it is unsigned, my kids get a 'point' added to their name on a list the teacher keeps...after so many 'points', they get priveleges suspended at school...like, no recess...they instead have to stay inside & go to the homework room.

So, not only does a parent have to be vigilant, but the teacher as well. Granted, our school has gone above & beyond, but i'm grateful. Also, if you are wondering if he ate or not in the morning, why aren't you preparing his breakfast? My 17 year old makes her own, but i get my 10 & 7 year old their breakfast every morning. It sounds to me like he has too much freedom & not enough parenting at 9 years old. Nothing good will come of that. Whether they know it or say it, kids need consistency & guidence. You need to set limitations & boundries, and STICK with them! You need to monitor his homework nightly. Make breakfast for him in the mornings. Even if you only pour him a bowl of cereal! He may appreciate it. I personally think he's subconciously acting out & this lying is a cry for attention...even if it is negative attention. Start paying more attention to your boy, mom. Good luck.

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M.R.

answers from Columbus on

Have you wondered if the lying was a symptom of something else? I may be that you could put a bandaid on the symptom, and not get to the heart of his issue. It may just be that he has selected a bad strategy to overcome something he either does not understand or feels shame about, because it is a big step to start choosing to lie when they clearly know better.

I would be suspicous, since most of what you are talking about involves the executive functioning skills of some new independent expectations for a 9 year old child. This is a crossroads time, when in school, they stop learning to read and write and start reading and writing to learn. It is a whole new skill that involves conceptual application and a huge jump in independent working skills. Kids need strong organizational skills, and good executive function to manage these things on their own. For many children, if these skills are weak, even if they are just weak in relation to his basic skills, they find the transition very distressing. We say to them thing like "you are such a smart boy, why can't you remember to bring all this home" or "how do you expect to keep getting good grades when you don't do your homework on time?" For them, particularly if they were very good students in learning to read and write and do basic math, when they cannot organize themselves, they are not just bewildered by this inablity, they actually doubt the adults who ever told them that they were smart to begin with, since they have no clue how to rise to this new expectation using the very good skills that they already have. The hard thing to see, especially for them, is that these are completly different skills.

Getting his own breakfast could also be seen as an independent skill too, and if he was able to do this before, or you know that he is capable of getting something to eat when it suits him, know that getting something done independently in a sequence when you are overwhelmed otherwise with independent skills and organization would not seem unusual to me in that context at all. Getting ready to go to school without help maybe part of the new independence that he could be struggling with.

I would not suggest anything specific here, but if you recognize anything in my post that you think may apply, or if there are other educational concerns that might go along with this kind of issue, you could get an evaluation to see if he could benefit from some instruction in organization, or some coping mechanisims for a relative weakness in executive functioning, there are certainly ways to address the heart of the matter that will be more effective than concequences, because he would not feel the need to lie to you any more.

It is really common for kids to choose what we might see as a bad behavior when they are overwhelmed with something that makes them feel stupid or like a failure that they cannot manage to fix on their own. It seems crazy to us to not just say "I don't know how to do such and such" but for many children , they choose to be in trouble for lying, or misbehavior.

Just a thought, I would talk to your son's teacher and see what he is doing in class, you may find more patterns that will help you.

M.

1 mom found this helpful

A.R.

answers from St. Louis on

Hi K.,

In my opinion, children who lie too much is because they are looking for attention or just have too much choices or freedom let's say so. At this age they feel independent, but still they need strong guidelines, and rules. These should be enforced every day without being nasty and boring.
I would keep the WII away and other things he likes for LONG time, probably you did it but you were not consistent. I mean take the privileges away for the time he keeps lying.
Sit down with him, and remind him how bad is not being honest, set some rules and keep them forever, write them down if that works for your child, even the simplest. Explain what will happen if he doesn't cooperate and what will happen if he does. Give him a simple chart showing what he is about to do every day.
Example:
7:00 am Get, up take a shower (or wash face, etc...) and get dressed.
7:30 am Have breakfast (let him know that he has no more than two choices for B-fast yoghurt and cereal or milk and cereal and toasts, etc...whatever you have at home)
8:00 am leave home, etc...

3:30- 3:45 pm get a snack (while chatting with him about school..etc)
4:00pm check backpack and homework together, review things and assist him if he needs help with homework. Review what he has been doing.If he did it OK PRAISE HIM.

5:00 or 6 pm after dinner, have him to get ready for the next day (put things in the backpack, and get clothes ready)

Every single day ,make a moment (probably before or at bed time) to talk a little bit with him, to laugh, to share and just have a nice chat. I usually start those conversations with my older kid telling him about funny things that have happened to me during the day.

Keep close contact with the teacher, call her sometimes and ask him in a casual way about your son. Knowing how he is doing at school will help you to know what is happening with him.
I hope this helps a little bit, be consistent and always allow an open communication with him. Have fun together, play with him WII sometimes when he stop lying, share his things but always keep the rules.
Good luck!

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A.D.

answers from Minneapolis on

My older daughter can be a little like that. When you catch him in a lie, tell him he has broken your trust, and he has to earn it back. The less you can trust him, the fewer privileges he will have. Ask him to think about if he would like to be treated like a big kid, or a little kid with much more supervision than his peers and very little freedom. On the homework issue, get with the teacher to find out how you can be on top of daily homework. Is he responsible for using a planner to write down his assignments? Does the teacher update a web site that you can reference? You just have to be on top of him EVERY day to make sure he is doing what is expected. Forgotten homework? My DD tried this in 2nd grade. I drove her right back to school to get it. We went through a phase in 4th grade when my DD would "forget" to hand in her homework (too busy socializing and going to breakfast with her friends). I drove her to school for a week and made sure I watched her hand it to the teacher or put it in the turn-in basket. Let me tell you, she really hated that! The breakfast issue, I guess he has to eat under your supervision because you can't trust him to eat or to eat enough. Make him sit down at the table with you at a certain time so you can see what he eats. Good luck!

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L.A.

answers from Austin on

Your child is begging for more structure. He sounds a little immature and not able to do some of these things on his own. He is only 9 and this is not unusual for a boy.

You know he has homework every day so just say, "when we get home, you will have snack and do all of your homework." Why bother asking?

In the morning give him 2 choices for breakfast. Cereal or fiber one bar? Then make it for him. Watch him take his first bite. Let him know you will check back in 5 minutes and if he is finished he can watch TV.

You need to follow your childs lead. He is not able to do this on his own right now.
Eventually he will.

Also lying is a bad habit. It is a hard one to break. Some children lie because they do not want to disappoint the people they lie to. Some children lie to be defiant and others do it to avoid situations.. Your child is avoiding having to admit her forgot or got distracted. How can this be solved? Have him come up with this solution..

The other thing is to modle the behavior you want him to improve.

If you become distracted, mention it and state out loud how you are correcting it.
"I was going to go to the store today and instead I got pulled into this TV show!" "Now I need to skip my exercise class and go to the store instead." Or "Next time, I am going to record my show so I can get to the grocery store."

Ugh, I forgot to do the laundry! Now I am going to come home and work on getting the laundry done, instead of going to dinner with my friend." "I am not going to forget next time."

This way he can see even you forget or get side tracked and it is ok to admit it, but you had to come up with a solution to make up for it..

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K.S.

answers from New York on

OMG!!!! I'm going through the EXACT same thing right now w/ my 3rd grade 8 year old son!!! We have a talk about it often and the other night, he even told me that he can't help it (telling lies). And I told him about trust and privileges and how his lying now will eventually lead to less privileges and trust from us as he gets older and that he won't like it much when that time comes. Just over the weekend, he was playing w/ the neighbor girl and they were rough housing and he pushed her over her bike. When we asked him what happened he said she fell over the bike (we knew otherwise because the girl's father told us). So we tried to explain to him that now, he was not only on punishment for pushing a girl/fighting but now it was also because he lied. Just keep sincerely telling him that lying only makes things worse and that punishment can be much more lenient and last for less time if he tells the truth. I keep telling him that and he says that he doesn't want to get the TV, Wii, DS, laptop, PSP, etc. taken away. He pulls the same thing your son does w/ the homework at least 3 times a week however, because I am the PTA president and talk to the staff often, I'm usually in the loop. I ALWAYS check his homework and his backpack, not because I don't necessarily trust him, but because he's 8. His mind is on other things (the things he loves). At this point, we're only a few weeks into the school year and he doesn't have a lot of privileges already and the only thing left to take away is his football playing and he's already told me that he definitely doesn't want to lose that. I don't think that you're doing anything wrong and I don't think there's anything wrong with him. I think it's quite common for kids of ALL ages to test their parent's limits. His lies aren't technically hurting anyone (besides himself) except for your feelings (which is enough), but it's a learning period. At this age, I feel its very important to gain our children's trust so that as they get older, they're not afraid to come talk to us about the "truth" that is their life, whether it be social or school related. I was always afraid of my parents and the consequences that I faced growing up because my parents were strict and I told "white lies" in order to avoid minor blow ups. I always wanted to be more open w/ my mom, but because I was scared of what she would say or how she would react, I kept things to myself or told stories to avoid getting in trouble. If you're anything like me, you don't want your child to "fear" you, you just want him to respect you and be an honest person. I think someone below had the right idea about turning it around to be more positive. We've done this with our son and he's really reacted well to it. We told him that if he did a and b he could earn back his privileges of something sooner. It's like getting out early for good behavior (forgive the incarceration reference) lol. At the end of the day, he's just a kid. And he's still impressionable and moldable, take advantage and use this as a way to get closer to him. (Oh, and I'm with you, I can usually tell when my son is lying because he can't always keep a straight face). Good luck, keep your head up, and just let him know, regardless of where he is, you've always got an eye on him so if he thinks he's getting away with stuff, you'll eventually find out. (I don't know how many times my son has said to me "uggghhh, how did you know that?") :-)

S.L.

answers from Kansas City on

I think lying continually comes from the heart and you need to teach him lying is wrong and spend time telling him it was God who made that rule, not you, and we must not lie. Then I would start by not asking him questions like 'Do you have homework?' but by saying " Please bring me your bag so we can check your homework", or 'lets get started on your homework'. I know it seems like at that age he should be responsible to tell you but some children just don't want to do it, don't want to remember OR prefer to play instead. You have to take charge and then pray that some day he will be responsible on his own. Don't ask him questions if you can help it because that encourages a child that lies to answer with a lie. You will have to monitor him much more but I can also say to be prepared for other reports of his lying unless his heart is changed and he sees it is very wrong. In this society it seems lying is almost accepted, little lies are seen as okay, ( which there is no such thing really as a lie is a lie ), so you will have to make that clear to him that ALL lying is wrong.

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M.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

If I were you I would consult with a psychologist about this. Not necessarily take him to one yet but just to find out if you should. I "think" and am not sure though, that this may be part of a personality disorder.

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