Seeking Advice on Dealing with a Miscarriage

I'm so sorry for your loss, T.. I have had 3 miscarriages, and have 4 healthy children. It is very common to have the emotions that you are, even 5 months after. One thing that is not commonly thought about is that you are not only dealing with grief, but postpartum hormones as well. In a sense, a woman can develop "postpartum depression" after a loss. You may find that you are fine, and then something just sets off the wave of grief emotion, like attending that baby shower for your friend. There were some things that helped me, that I'd like to share with you: 1) I don't know if you are a Christian, but praying and trusting that God would be my comforter was very important, 2) Give the baby a name, even if you didn't know whether it was a boy or girl, then write the baby a letter, 3) Journaling helped me deal with feelings as they arose, but also helped me see a whole new perspective and move forward, 4)Join a support group for people who have lost a child through miscarriage or stillbirth, 5) Focus on the children you have, remembering that the child you lost is not in your past, but in your future. If your grief affects your daily life, or if you are not starting to feel better, then you should see your doctor. Medicine can't fix everything...some things just have to be walked through. You will be in my prayers!

Hi T.,
Like most of the other mom's that have replied, I too know how you feel. I lost our first baby at 11 weeks. We actually saw the heartbeat at 6 1/2 weeks and everything was fine. I went back at 11 weeks for a normal check and they tried to hear the heartbeat through my abdomen and it wasn't there. My doc said it was normal but did an u/s anyway. I can honestly tell you that I will never ever forget looking at that screen and seeing the black spot where my child's heart was supposed to be beating. I couldn't understand! I had no warning, no bleeding and did EVERYTHING RIGHT! To say I was devastated was the understatement of the year! I had a D&C the next morning. To make matters worse, I worked on a labor and delivery floor at the time. I took off 2 weeks of work and still had moments when I had to go cry in the bathroom. I was hearing babies cry all the time and that was all it took to set me off. I also got to see mom's come in to deliver that were so drugged up they didn't know where they were. I just wanted to know- Why them and not me? I had a panic attack in Wal-Mart when I saw ungrateful mom's yelling at their cart full of children or the Maternity clothing sign. I could go on and on. I chose not to take any medication. I did read books on pregnancy loss and spoke to many women through online support that had been through the same thing. My mom was the perinatal bereavement nurse at the place I worked at the time and she gave me a lot of info. She also gave me a baby ring that I wore on a necklace for a long time. I didn't stop wearing it until I got over the worst of the grief. I chose to name her (I felt like the baby was a girl) Aubrey. The Catholic church in our town has a beautiful memorial garden. There are bricks engraved with names that line the pathways. My aunt (who had 7 miscarriages) had her name put on a brick for me. I can always go visit that spot if I want to. I would check into this option if it appeals to you. It really does help get through it!! I still think of her every November... As for my husband, he did cry and grieve too. I think the hardest part for him was seeing me so sad. I hope some part of this post will help you. May God bless you and your family!
____@____.com

T., I miscarried on my 30th birthday my fourth child. I was devastated and so upset for a long time. I have a wonderful husband who helped me through it and we ended up accidentally getting pregnant two months later. That is now my 9 year old son. The perspective I wanted to give you is of your pregnant friends. I used to go to church with a woman who had a still birth at 39 weeks. I was about 6 months pregnant at the time. I felt so sad. I felt bad about going to church and her seeing me. I was grieving for her also but I couldn't go talk to her because I felt bad about still being pregnant. So please, know your friends are also grieving with you and they are having a hard time knowing how to talk to you since they are still carrying their babies.

Hi T.,

Every time I hear a story like this I can't help but get teary. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and that what you are going through is so normal and necessary. You will always have a longing in your heart for your missed angel. I'm sure that your husband means well and just wants to see you happy again, but I definitely don't think that (at this point) medication is the answer. Grief is part of this process and you can't put a time limit on that. I lost my son Reese at 18 weeks in August of 2006. Both of my sister in laws were pregnant at the time (1 due before me and one after). Every time I'm with my niece and nephew I can't help but think that my little guy is missing from the picture. It's really hard but with time and the proper support it does get easier. Here are some things that I've learned and have really helped me along the way. 1) Talking with other moms who have been through this is essential...no one can understand the way they do. 2)Sharing your story with your most trusted family and friends without a filter can really be cathartic. You will feel so much better knowing that they truly know how you feel. 3) Write your baby a letter. Give him/ her a name and Say all the things you would ever have wanted to say but never got the chance. 4) Don't be afraid to sit out on things that make you sad. At this point nothing matters more than your healing process and those who truly love you will understand. 5)If you feel like it would benefit you, I really recommend seeing a grief counselor. They can give you tools to help you cope with all this because I know that sometimes it just feels like to much for one person to bear. 6) Know in your heart that you are loved by an angel too sweet for this world and that even though this is painful it has meaning.
I hope that his helps. I'll be thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way.

K.

i am so sorry for your loss. the hopes that come with a pregnancy, the dreams of what your chlld will be like start the day you find you are pregnant. your grief is normal. my husband and i lost a child in our third trimester, that was almost 4 yrs ago. there isn't a day that goes by that she doesn't cross my mind. it hurt for a while to see other pregnant friends, not because i didn't wish them well, but because i only saw my loss. that will ease, but never completely go away. you say that it doesn't affect your day to day life, but possibly your husband sees something you don't. depression is easy to sink into, hard to self detect. don't rule out talking to someone, even if it is just a support group. god bless you

I lost one baby between my fifth and sixth successful births. Still think about it occasionally. But you do need to move on. You can't bring that child back by mourning the loss. As David said "you will go to him some day, but he cannot return to you" 2nd Sam 12:23. The sweetest comfort anyone ever gave me was a card a friend sent in which she wrote that when I get to heaven, Jesus will meet me with a baby in His arms.

It's normal in that it's going to be different for everyone.

I don't see why you should go on a medication to make the feeling go away, when you have thoughts and feelings that you want to talk about and work through. I've had my share of meds like that, and they just threw me for one loop after another. Try seeing a counselor first.

I'm so sorry about your loss. It IS hard. What I thought when I had two miscarriages was, maybe this is just not the right time for this little spirit to enter our lives; maybe s/he will return when it is meant to be. Now we have our first daughter, and for all I know, it was her all along.

Maybe you can use this time to explore what is new in pregnancy, childbirth and childrearing studies, new baby gear, new health info, and the literature out there, and enjoy preparing for the next time, if you decide you want to do it again. That's what I did, and I found that it really helped me to wait through an impending move and new job on my husband's part. It sort of kept me in that realm. Plus, having two boys, you might find that 9-10 months will really fly by when you would prefer to take some time to learn how you want to do it in the best way for you.

Of course, I'm not saying anything like, "oh, you can just have another one." That's not what I mean. I just found that, for me, it was somehow healing to actually peruse what was out there in the world of pregnancy and childrearing. I felt that i could still enjoy the possibility and potential of being pregnant again, some time, when my husband and I were emotionally and logistically ready.

But whatever you do, don't worry about whether you are normal or not. Let yourself feel grief. It might not be fun, and your husband has had his own way of dealing with it, which isn't any better or worse than yours. You might want to talk to him about this. I think he is sincerely trying to help by "solving the problem," but a lot of times, women really do better by talking it out and just getting some emotional support.

<HUG>,
L.

It is perfectly normal to still grieve the loss of your baby. I understand how you feel. My sister and I are 22 months apart. We are best friends and we were pregnant at the same time. Our due dates were one week apart. I went into preterm labor at 25 weeks. My daughter lived for six weeks and passed away. Meanwhile, my sister went on to have a healthy baby the day before my original due date! It hurt me to see her continuing on with her pregnancy. After losing my little girl, I didn't know how I could face seeing her pregnant belly. I just had to sit down and tell her that I was happy for her but I was grieving and it hurts me to see you right now. She understood. It helped me alot to tell her how I felt. I was still hurting when we went to her babyshower and even for the birth of my newphew. I kept reflecting how my life was suppose to be. But believe it or not, my newphew was my saving grace. It wasn't until I held him in my arms that I let go some of the guilt and grief that I had been carrying around. My newphew is now 2 1/2 years old. Every time I look at him, I still think about my daughter, how old she would be, what she would be doing now. Just ask GOD to help strengthen you as you continue on. I am not saying that sometimes it won't hurt to see your friend and her baby but it will help if you talk with her and tell her how you feel so she won't think you are being stand-offish.

Oh, men and women grieve very differently. A mother bonds with her baby as soon as she finds out she is pregnant and a father really doesn't bond until they can see the baby!

I had my first miscarraige eight years ago. I went ahead and named the baby...which I think helped. I also miscarried my third baby, at twelve weeks. the pain will dull but I continue to think of my deceased children several times a day every day. I do have three surviving children, and I still think of the deceased ones every day. I believe it is normal for most women. It is more difficult for the mom than the dad, because the death took place in YOUR body. The daddys just dont understand. I am a christian so I know I will see them again someday.

T.,

First, I am sorry for your loss. Many people do not see a miscarriage as a loss when compared to loosing a young child, but it is. You lose all the hopes and dreams and it is hard to see the landmarks that you could have been sharing with your child. There are support groups for women who feel the exact same way you do. You are not alone, and you are entitled to feel bad. It would not be a bad idea to see a counselor either. I had the same situation, but I was the one pregnant. My best friend could not come to the hospital to see me because it made her physically sick. I understood. At least she was honest with me. She told me why and begged for my forgiveness, but there was nothing to forgive, she is my best friend and always will be. That was not going to come between us. After we came home, she became very close to him, and 7 years later she still is.

Good luck and do consider either a support group or counseling.

K.

You're normal, which is so nice to hear on those crazy days when you just want to go back to bed and cry yourself numb. I've been there.

Conventional wisdom is that it takes a year to get past a loss like that. The truth is that you WILL get past it, but you won't ever get "over" it. The pain fades to manageable levels, but there's always a hole.

I miscarried twins last summer at 10 weeks gestation. It was the hardest thing I've ever been through, but I lived. I even started to smile again and laugh again, and I'd say I'm healed now, but there's still a scar on my heart.

I'm so very, very sorry you've been through this. It's not something I'd wish on ANYONE!

There are a lot of resources out there. Please visit A Small Victory (www.asmallvictory.org). They have a wonderful kit they send, free of charge, that contains fabulous information, gifts that help fill that painful hole, and lots and lots of healing.

One other thing, it gets easier once you get past your due date. Between the loss and the due date, I was angry and hurt every single day by the simple fact of being not pregnant. Where was MY excitement, MY hope for the future, MY baby??? Why did all of those pregnant women (including my sister), get to have what I didn't?

Now, I'm better. I can see a baby and squeal about its cuteness. I can hold my new neice and just be glad she's here. I can look at my kids and feel contentment. I can even talk about the twins and smile at the remembered excitement, instead of crying at the remembered loss.

A grief counselor may be of a lot of help to you as you search for a path to healing. There are lots of places where that is available for free, even.

But trust that you are normal. If you can function in your daily life, you're doing pretty well. Give yourself credit for what you CAN do, and for the times you CAN cope.

Look at those two boys of yours and remember how much joy and healing they bring you, allow yourself to cry and grieve, and may time and tears ease your heart.

PS
My husband handled the whole thing "wrong." For several months, if he found me crying, he'd just walk off. There was a book from A Small Victory in the kit they sent, just for fathers. I read it and understood what he was going through a bit better. He read it and understood what I was going through a bit better. Then, in December, we finally talked, and we finally began to heal together. Men don't understand that "not being pregnant" is a constant reminder, all by itself. Try to be patient with him, but also tell him that "right now, I just hurt. I'm healing and I will heal. But it doesn't happen immediately and will take time. So back off and be patient."

Blessings

Dear T.,

I am a 42 year old mom of 3 beatiful childern. But I have one child in heaven waiting for me. It has been 11 years now that I lost the my child. I lost my child at 10 week also. I had gone to my appointment on Friday and the doctor did not hear the heart beat, but he told me that it was ok that you don't always hear it at ten weeks. So he set me up to come back to see him in a week. The following Saturday I start to bleed. I went to the hospital and they told me that I was miscarrring. The doctor wanted my owen body to get rid of the child. So he sent me home for a week to try to deliver the child. I did not and that was the worst week of my life knowing I had a child that I would never see or spend time with be cause it had pass a way. I went the doctor a week later and he told me I could wait another week or I could have a D & C. My husband to the doctor that he would do a D & C because I could not handle it mentally any more. So after to all the truma of my lost of my child. To this day I still have moments of why did God take my child. So yes it is very normal to feel the way you do. In time it will get better. There is nothing wrong with going and seeing someone that you can talk to about your lose. We women react to the lose differently then men. I feel that if you can find some one to just listen to your heart and allow you to feel your pain you will be fine in time. The one thing that I realized with my lost that at the time of my baby birth it was not a good time for my family we had just moved back to the state from Germany and the pass that we were on was not one that a new baby in our life would have worked out very well for. So as time passes for you look back in your live and God will show you why it was not the right time for you. God timing is always right even though we don't understand. T. my heart go out to you and I will keep you in my prayers for healing and understanding.

In Christ we love, T.

First of all let me say that I do understand where you are coming from. April 2nd of this year was the two year anniversary of my miscarriage. I found out that I had problems with my blood pressure that didnt allow me to carry the baby. I had a hard time and sometimes still do and I wasn't as far along as you. I saw a counselor (I work for a school that has a counselor come in that is available to staff as well)She had me complete this exercise that was a huge help to me. I had the strongest feeling that the baby was a girl. I named her and wrote a letter to her. I took about a week to write it so that I could write a little and think on it some. When I finished it I picked a spot under a tree near my front door and buried it. I felt a lot better and even felt like I could cope with everything after that. You can try that exercise and I would reccommend the counselor. It was lifesaver for me. I will continue to pray for you I hope you fell better soon.

Hi T.,
I am so sorry for this loss. I lost a 7 month old baby girl, and I have spent a lot of time talking to other women who have lost children at all different stages, and what you are describing I hear a lot. To me it sounds like you are perfectly normal and probably don't need medication to help deal. I have had postpartum depression as well, and there is a difference between normal grief and depression or anxiety that needs medication. If you do fell like you need something, I would talk to a professional in that area.

One thing that has helped me is to attend a grief group. The one I attend is called MEND. They are an infant loss, stillbirth and miscarriage group. It is a very informal once a month meeting that I just go to to talk. I would highly recommend it. You can find people that have gone through similar losses and talk through what you are feeling, etc. They have several groups in the area and a website.

I am praying now for you.
M.

T., I am sorry for your loss! I have been through 2 miscarriages myself and I'll be honest, you never really get over it. My first one was in 2003 and I still have bad days and moments. It takes time to get through it. 5 months isn't that long really. My husband doesnt' talk about it at all, and he thinks I should just "get over it". Easier said than done. If your grief doesn't affect your daily life I wouldn't say you need to be put on any medication, but maybe talk to your doctor and see if he/she has any suggestions for you. I wish I could help you more. Take care of yourself and give yourself time.

T.,

I have had 2 MC since Summer 2007, but I also have a beautiful 6 year old daughter. Last year mothers day at church grief set in with all the new baby dedications. One of my dear friends is a grief counselor and told me grief just has a way of sneeking up on you. Our first MC was due to me haveing a diease galbladder and this last one the end of december was a gaar accident. I also at this time have a few dear friends expecting, one was afraid to let me know and my other dear friend is reluctant to talk about the up coming delivery. I personally take each day in stride and thank God each day for the blessing I habve already. My sister said I should seek counsuling with this last onebeing my second. I haven't needed to seek counseling of course I have great friends I seek counsel from and I fully am relying on God for my continuing peace. My husband is also a great support, because this also happened to him not just me. It is hard when you hit thoses importantdays mothers day andthe time you should be having a baby. NO one honestly can tell you what you need to do to deal with your lost. take each day in stride and if you feel the need for professional help seek it, also talk with you husband about your feelings and his feelings might surprise you. God bless you, J.

I am a mother of 6. I have 3 in heaven and 3 living. I had a misscarriage with our second and third. Then a Stillborn son was my fifth. It's really hard! Yes, it's normal behavior. You have lost a baby! I do not think meds are the right thing at all. You need to deal with the grief. I am not sure what you want to hear, but there will ALWAYS be the what if's. Our son would be 6 this April 10th. You need to find someone that you can talk to, that will help you through the harder parts. It does get better. I had a alot of friends PG after I had my stillborn and it was so hard. I couldn't take myself to the hospital to see them. I finally after 1 yr. went to a shower for a friend whom had adopted her first baby! If you need to talk. Let me know. Also...there is a place called aplacetoremember.com There is alot of other moms on there that can help. HUGS to you!!!

Everything you're feeling is normal. I felt exactly the same way. And I worked w/ a girl who was due soon after me when I had my miscarriage (at 13 1/2 weeks), and I felt the same way as you do. (but she had the nerve to tell everyone at work "so what if J. had a miscarriage? She just needs to get over it" and it had only been a week after- that made it ever harder). It took me along time to get over mine. It seemed like all of our friends were getting pregnant, just one right after the other. It's been 3 years this years on April 6/7 since I had mine, and I still sometimes have a hard time with it. My doc told me that as long as I'm able to still do the normal day to day stuff it should be okay. But each doctor may see it different. You might want to check with yours and see what he/she says. It will get better in time. I promise.

I know how you feel. I lost a baby due to miscarriage over 30 years ago and I still feel the loss and sadness. It's not something you will ever "get over." Your husband cannot feel the same way as you do because he didn't carry the life inside of him so it is difficult for him to really understand. I can tell you this, in time it will get better. You won't be constantly thinking of it and it will just occasionally seep into your brain. The best thing I ever did to help myself was to write a letter to my mother (my family was 2000 miles away)detailing everything that happened and all my feelings. I just let loose in the letter. It really helped to get it all down. I suggest you write a letter to someone you think would understand, or just to yourself. The important part is to get all of your feelings out and not bottle them up. It sounds like you are still in the grief stage. The next best thing I did was to get pregnant again. I did, and having a little baby to concentrate on helped me to put the death of my unborn baby in its proper perspective. I still felt the loss just not so much. Sorry for this to have been so long. Hope it helped.

i never understood how traumatic it was for a woman to deal with the loss of a pregnancy - i never understood how it could hurt so much - until it happened to me. i remember sobbing for weeks, every time someone would mention anything about a baby or if i say a pregnant woman or tiny baby shoes. i remember sitting in the waiting room at the obgyn for my next checkup crying behind sunglasses as these huge pregnant bellies kept waddling past back and forth. and there were pictures of tiny precious babies all over the walls. brutal. people told me all kinds of things i didn't want to hear about how it just wasn't meant to be or how things always happen for a reason. i don't know if it was a combo of hormones and just being a "mother" that made it so difficult to deal with but it was just so painful.

...all that just to say, i know how you feel, i've been there and i'm sorry. it will get better with time. i know it doesn't feel like it now, but it really will. it may take a lot of time...but hey, it's a truly heartbreaking experience.

my dr (thank goodness)anticipated the huge depression that i was not at all expecting and prescribed zoloft. it helped me through the mourning process. i would definitely talk to your doctor as you might just need a little assistance to get you through this tough time.

i'm so, so very sorry.

T.,

I feel for you, in the pain you are experiencing. I had my first miscarriage at 10 weeks too but before I had ever been to a doctor. A year later, on the one year anniversary of that baby's death, my sister announced she was pregnant. I should have been happy for her but instead I ran off and locked myself in the car. I cried there and then later when we'd gotten back to the farm, I ran off into the pasture and wept by the pond.

Fast forward three years and I had managed to get pregnant again...and so had my sister. We were due one day apart. I miscarried again at 16 weeks, after hearing the heartbeat at 13 weeks, birthing the tiny baby into my own hand. When her son was born full term later that year I couldn't even look at him. Thank God, I was pregnant AGAIN by the time my nephew was born and did carry that baby full term.

Not only did I go through times when I hated pregnant women (due to infertility issues and losing what babies I did manage to concieve), but I got to where I would not work in the nursery at church, skipped the Mother's Day service and gave up a career to be a doula. Having my own child did not take the pain away because then I began resenting women who had more than one child...

It is now 2009 and I have three children, and three children I will never meet. I still think about who they would have been, if they were boys or girls, etc. However, I realized last month that I no longer remembered the exact day I miscarried each one and their due dates. That is the balm of healing time. As it is, I'm the only one who remember they even existed. Yes, I still cry about their loss but it's no longer the burning, head-pounding grief it was 14 years ago.

You will get through this. If you have to stay away from women having baby showers than so be it. I did that too for years and as far as I know, no one even noticed. You have to protect yourself because no one else will.

E-mail me if you'd like to vent!

K.

Hi T.,

My heart truly goes out to you. I have had six miscarriages. All six were from 8 weeks to 13 weeks. Five of them, we saw the heart beating. Each time it looked like a healthy heart beat. However, God had other plans. It has been four years since I lost the last one. I can tell you that it will get easier; however, the paid is never truly gone completely. I still have times that I cry about them. But, I know God has a plan for me. It took me losing the six to understand that God's plan was for me to concentrate on my step-son. He is now 13 and has ADHD. So, he takes a lot of my time. His mother signed him over to us just two weeks after we were married. I think her intention was that she thought it would cause problems. It did not. Now she realized that we are the stability that he needed and still needs. The way that I deal with the loss is I felt led to write the two following things:

The Heart Would Heal

It was the last day of the year.
It was a day of heart ache.
It would be fine.....the heart would heal.

The flowers were in bloom, a beautiful time of year.
Yet another day of heart aches.
It would be fine.....the heart would heal.

The next time was with the beautiful colors of fall,
and another day of heart aches.
It would be fine.....the heart would heal.

The flowers were in bloom again.
Another day of heartache.
It would be fine.....the heart would heal.

The final time was just before the most celebrated time of year.
Another day of heartache and yet some refief knowing the reason of the season was always there to help the heart heal.

Six Miscarriages (all with names picked out)

One day to be seen and hugged.
Today they are hugged by their Great-grandparents.
Today they are sitting with God.
They are constantly loved even though we can not hold them and tell them they are loved.
They also have a brother named Ian.
One day he will see them, hug them and tell them how much he loves them.
Until that day, they will be loved by all of us and sit with their Great-grandparents and with the Lord our God.

I had to totally put my faith and trust in God to get through it. That is the only way I have been able to handle losing six. Before the last pregnancy, I went to The ART'S Program (Assisted Reproductive Technology)at Brookwood Hospital in Birmingham, AL. By the time we went, my husband and I had decided to not try any more. However, when we saw Dr. Long, the first thing he said to us was that he did not want me pregnant until he ran several test. After all the test were done and it did not seem to be any problems, he told us that we could try again. However, as soon as I missed the first day of my cycle, I was to do a home test and if it was positive, I was to call him. We told him that we were going to give it only one shot. Sure enough, I was pregnant before my next cycle. He started me on Progesterone shots and Heprin shots. He also wanted to see me once a week. Each week, he did my exams. On week 13, while he was doing the ultrasound, he had a weird look on his face. I looked at the monitor and saw that the heart beat was gone. So, I knew I was going to miscarry again. He sent me over to the hospital for a more extensive ultra sound. It was gone. Then we had to meet back in his office when I was finished. I told my husband that the heart had stopped. We were ok with it. When Dr. Long came in to tell us that the heart had stopped, he began to cry. We were the ones comforting him instead of it being the other way around. We had learned to accept God's will. I did not understand it and still do not understand it; however, we accepted it.

I think God allowed me to go through these to make me stronger and to help others that go through it. I work with some wonderful ladies that their daughters have had miscarriages or unable to get pregnant at all and I have given them the two poems above that I know God put those words in my head to put on paper. Then to pass them along to those who need help with dealing with these times.

I did not see a therapist/counselor; however, I did talk with my Mom and a couple of my friends about my feelings and the pain that I have gone through.

It will get easier!!! Now I look forward to the day that Ian will have children and I will then be a Grand-mother.

I will keep you in my prayers that it will soon get easier. May God Bless you!!!

L.

Who is to say what is normal when grieving- it is a personal process. What you have been through is enormous- and grieving is definitely normal. Your husband doesn't have the same reference point and may not quite understand your position and the depth of your feelings- so don't feel bad or guilty for still feeling the loss of your baby to such an extent.

Choosing to take meds is also a personal decision- one I personally chose to make and it was helpful to me. depression is real- and it doesn't necessarily have to outwardly affect your daily life to be considered "real". You may want to talk to a counselor and discuss the possibilities of a brief (6 months) course of antidepressants- you may decide after talking with someone that you really don't need them, but that just talking with someone about your feelings may be helpful. Meds don’t make it go away or cover it up- just helps you be more able to cope through the process and the grief.

I guess what I am saying is- your grief is normal- the decision for meds or counseling is yours- either one can/could be helpful.

My recommendation is- try a visit with a counselor- talking with a counselor can help you progress in your grief- and it may help you deal with your friend so that it is not as painful each time you see her. (I had infertility issues and had to go though all my friends starting their families, it helped me be able to maintain all my friendships and cope with pain their pregnancies and children had brought up) Alternately- as one of the previous posters mentioned- an online support group could be very helpful too.

Whatever you choose- I wish you the best and I hope that the pain eases up soon. ( btw- I really liked what Kay S. said and agree with her completely)

Have your doctor prescribed you something. Take my advice, it is only going to get worse if you dont. I have anxiety attacks evereytime i see a baby. It has been several months and I still cannot get over it. We have t o have help we cannot deal with this ourselves.

I experienced a very similar situation. In 2006 I lost a baby at about 11 weeks along. It was very traumatic for me. I became really upset, but I don't feel as if it affected my life in any really negative ways. It is perfectly normal to be grief stricken, for a long time. The pain was so bad I wondered if it would ever go away. It has been a few years and the pain still comes in waves. I read stories like yours and it all comes back to me. Your husband probably knows you better than anyone else and if he thinks that you might need to see a counselor it's probably a good idea. It might help you sort through your pain. I didn't see a counselor but I did go online (here was one of the places!) and became involved in some online support groups. It definitely helped me.

Hi T.. What you're feeling is normal. I miscarried my first child 16 years ago. Trust me when I say, it will get better. Your husband brought up a good suggestion about counseling but it shouldn't be just for you. Both you and your husband lost a child and should go through the counseling together. That way your husband can understand what you're actually going through. Although the pain is different between the two of you, if you're counseled together you can both learn how to be there for each other. Good luck and God Bless.

If you had lost a toddler, no one would be expecting you to be "over it" in a few months. You tried for a long time to conceive, you wanted it badly, and you lost it. That hurts. You need time to grieve, and time to heal at your own pace. If you are able to function, I wouldn't seek medication just because you can't bear to be around pregnant women at the moment. That will ease as you start to heal.

T. I had 3 miscarriages and each time something died within me. I had to rely on the Lord to get me through. I tried not to dwell on it each and every hour of every day. I did talk to other's who had miscarriages and also my sister in law was pregnant at the same time and she carried her's full term and delivered a healthy baby girl, i thought it was hard just watching her grow and then delivered the baby, but God was patient with me and so was my husband. If you want to get therapy or feel you need it then do it. If you need medications then do that too. Just know that this too shall pass, you will never forget but the pain will ease. God bless you and your family.

This is a normal response to grief and loss. You have lost a family member. Time will make it easier. You will probably go through all the stages of grief. I suggest you find a support group in your area, like MEND (mommies enduring neonatal death.) It is a group of women who have lost babies at any stage of pregnancy or shortly after birth. They will help you deal with this. It is not unusual that you could not stay for the shower. Our emotions guide us and let us know how much we can take. It was a good idea that you left when you did. Your heart and mind could not deal with staying for the shower. I am so sorry for your loss. Time will make your burden lighter. I will be praying for your comfort.

You are still in the grieving process so give yourself time to heal.I think your hubby needs to know that not everyone heals the same way or at the same speed just because your hubby seems to be over the loss of your baby does not mean you have to be. I would ask myself if I am processing along the line of grief first the dental, then the questioning why, , then the angry, then the , ok it happen and final the going on with your life and starting t to enjoy it again. If you feel you are stick at one place then I would talk with someone. I hope helps some thank God I have never walk in your shoes but I have two siblings you have and I can tell you they both grief the loss in they won way. My sister get involved in the new baby in the family. My one sister had a baby a few months before the other one lost hers to stillbirth.My brother has a huge Toto on his chest of a break heart with his child's name birthday and the day he dead. His child life a few days before dreading in his arms. My sister does after 37 years wonders what her child would have been like. Yes she has move on but she wonders like you or I do about a loss love.So please give yourself time.My prayers are with you.

Yes, the way you are coping with your miscarriage is "normal behavior" although everyone grieves differently.
As a counselor with additional training in perinatal loss and bereavement, I would recommend that you seek out some counseling through support groups and/or individual sessions. There are lots of support groups out there if you do some searching online, call a local parenting center, or call your local hospital NICU social workers or labor & delivery nurses who help moms with this often. Some communities have "A Walk to Remember" each year for families that have experienced the loss of a child--google it to find out more and maybe start one in your town if there isn't already one.
You can contact the wonderful people at Bereavement Services to find out if there are counselors in your area that have been through their helpful training http://www.bereavementservices.org/contact/
take care and one step at a time~

Your husband is right on the mark...you need to see someone to talk through this grieving period. Four months is a short time when it comes to dealing with the loss of a loved one. A professional came help you through the stages of grief.

I personally have three angels and it's been 15 years and longer. Just reading your message brought tears to my eyes thinking about them. You'll never "get over" the miscarriage.

Here are some things that helped me all three of my miscarriages and stillbirth. First we named each baby. Each child having a name was important to me...it gave me more of a tangible connection. Second we recognize the day of demise...not to dwell but to reflect. It took me until the third time until I sought help. I didn't have to attend very many times and I was able to deal with the loss of all three.

I know you probably won't want me to say the next thing but your grief is affecting your day to day life. Your feelings seep through all aspects of what you do, say and feel all day, every day. You and your loved ones might not readily recognize it but your clouded emotions show through in some minute ways. What I'm saying is that your family deserves the best of you...you deserve the best of you.

Good luck to you...I look forward to reading a positive update from you.

W. Q

I miscarried my first child at 25 weeks. So I know what you are going through. I could not even watch a pampers comercial without crying. It was also very hard for me to see other pregnant women. I know it must be very hard for you to share in the happinest of your friend. You have to remember that when we miscarry it means the preganancy wasn't normal, and that is natures way of getting rid of a bad pregnancy. What truly helped me was praying and asking God to help me get through my depression. I realized that my Son was now in Heaven where I hope to go one day. God blessed me with another pregnancy three months after my miscarriage. My Son was born on the same day that I lost my first Son. So I was planning my Son's party on the day I found out my Son didn't have a heartbeat. Also thank God for your two beautiful boys you have already. Spend lots of time with them because they grow up to fast.

Dear T.,
You are not alone! I have been where you are. I lost my first child at 8 weeks and my friend went on to have a healthy baby. She even took the bassinet and few outfits that I had for my baby. You will carry that grief with you for the rest of your life. It's how you handle it that counts. I've had three boys since then and I haven't forgotten. You just have to put that baby in a special place in your heart. Time will help, but you have to grieve and heal~ so give yourself time to do that. God Bless.

Oh,dear T....I have no way of offering advice to you since I have 2 kids as well but have never felt the pain of dealing with loss of a baby. I just want to tell you that Im very sorry for your loss. From what Ive heard from other moms it is normal..and counseling sounds like a very good option. Whether your child was actually born or not this was still YOUR CHILD and you have the right to do whatever necessary to help you grieve. I wish you nothing but the best in your recovery process,for you and your family.*hugs*

Hi T.,

It is very difficult to go through a miscarriage. I, too, lost a baby at 9 weeks along about a year and a half ago. there are all sorts of emotions that come along with it. I have a 6 year old little boy that i have at home too, so I knew that I would grieve this baby, and then I needed to move on so my son could have his mom back. it wasnt easy, but I had to do it for my son..I was very fortunate and conceived two months later. We have a healthy six month old now. the thing is is to stay positive. Hopefully you guys will be able to conceive again soon. Enjoy your children....If you find it hard to move on, then maybe you could contact a counselor. I totally understand your grief, and it is good to talk to someone about it. Good Luck! Stay positive, chin up!!

It takes time to get over a loss and no matter what just figure that God knew what best that is why you lost it before it was born good luck and God bless

Sorry to hear about the miscarriage, T.. I would try talking to a counselor. It usually helps to have someone validate our feelings. God bless you.

K.
http://www.bestlife4myfamily.com

T., go quickly to talk to someone. Seeking counseling is not a sign of failure. It is a sign of your willingness to work on the many challenges of life. Here you can talk about your loss. It is important. You are important. you must deal with it. All of it. You can do it and then move on to enjoy your life and the lives of others. I firmly believe that all things happen for a reason. No it is not easy but you can get through this and you will be able to enjoy more baby showers. And one day maybe your own! E..

Hello .. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone with your feelings. Even though some time has already passed, there is no set schedule to feeling this way. The difference in men and women in pregnancies is that from the time a woman finds out she's pregnant, we become mothers. On the other hand, the vast majority of men don't feel any different until they are handed the baby .. the don't feel what they can't see or touch quite yet. Their emotional connection doesn't kick in quite as fast as an expecting mother. I know folks will be praying for you after reading your note and I hope you feel this comfort. If you feel your grief is under control and as you say it doesn't affect your daily life, then I think you are doing perfectly normal. If you feel otherwise, then I would recommend trying to find a specialist in this area to speak with. As with any lost loved one, I think we never get over it, we just adapt to the feelings better as each day passes.

T., I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm no professional but IMO your feelings are totally legitimate. You've just been through a major life event that was out of your control and altered what you thought your future was going to be - that's traumatic! You have every right to feel what you're feeling.

Nevertheless, I do think that you should go to a counselor, a licensed person who can help you work through this. Just because what you're feeling is justified, and you say your daily life isn't affected, doesn't mean that getting help through this time isn't a good thing.

See if your work or your hubby's work has an Employee Assistance Program, where you can set up appointments with a counselor that are paid for by the company. I have done that before!

I'm so sorry for your loss. Of course it is difficult watching your friend progress in her pregnancy, especially since your due dates were so close together. I think you should definitely consider counseling. Even if you do not want to take anti-depressants, and I can understand that, just going to counseling could help you tremendously. What harm could going to counseling do? None. How could it help? In many ways, not just for you, but for your family as well. I wish you the best.