Need Help Dealing with Four Miscarriages

I had a physically and emotionally devastating miscarriage with my first pregnancy, after weeks of bedrest. I had no idea if I ever would have a child. It was awful. I then had a second, very early, miscarriage. Finally, after bedrest and a lot of anxiety, I had my DD. Then another possible miscarriage. Then my DS. I had wanted 3 children, but with the time that went by, my advancing age, etc., I made the decision not to try for another child. Although it was my decision, it was a very difficult one, and had I not been heading to 40, I probably would not have made that decision.

The decision is personal, and I understand the emotions.

A group that helped me through my first miscarriages and my subsequent pregnancy is UNITE. It meets monthly at Philly area hospitals. This was before the Internet was big; it was hardly around, if at all. Now there is online support, but back then, UNITE was my main support. It may be worth attending a session. An online search should bring them up. If you need more info, contact me and I'll look for the info.

Good luck.

You are dealing with grief associated with loss. You are feeling the loss of your children, the loss of your health (hopefully only temporarily), the loss of your ability to bear children, and the loss of the future you had hoped to have with more children. How can you move on? You have to move through, and one day at a time. Grief is a tricky animal. Somedays you will feel so sad, others you will feel alone, other times you will feel angry, and other times you will feel nothing. There will even be days that you feel guilty for something you did or didn't do, or guilty for how you feel, or guilty for how you are encroaching on others. You may even feel guilty for feeling sad or angry or depressed. I had to give myself permission to feel whatever I wanted to feel. I had to give myself permission to embrace my sadness, my anger, my emptiness.

One time, I had a friend from church say something so hurtful and unfeeling to me that I cried for hours afterwards. When I told her afterwards how hurtful her words had been, she said, "Wow, you think someone's moved on from something..." As if it was MY FAULT for reacting to what she said! Absolutely not! I am allowed to be sad for as long as I need to, and if years later I need to be sad again over the loss, then I'm allowed. There is no statute of limitations on grief.

So, my advice is to allow yourself to feel it. Curl up in a blanket and sip some hot tea and get your tissues and your journal out, and just express it in its truest form.

Here is the fear I felt...I thought that if I let myself REALLY embrace the grief, I'd begin to cry and I'D NEVER STOP CRYING! That is how deep the pain was, so profound that I thought if I let the dam loose, it would not be able to be stopped.

But you know what? It did stop. One day, I woke up and felt like I had emmerged from a dark tunnel and stepped into the sunshine. One day, I didn't feel like anything was missing anymore, and my life was exactly the way it was supposed to be. Yes, I was sorry for the loss, and it is still painful sometimes, but now, I can see that my life is how it was always supposed to be.

But you are not out of the tunnel of grief yet, and if anyone tries to push you out or if you try to emmerge too soon, it will only take longer to step into the sunshine.

Also, I did have some grief counseling, and this advice is exactly what my counselor suggested. I can't imagine that anyone would expect you to have moved on in only a few months, so give yourself some grace.

And lastly, remember that your husband is grieving, too. It may be exhibited in a completely different way than in you, but he is hurting, too. He lost his four children, too, and it sounds like he also almost lost his wife. Of course he doesn't want to risk losing you or putting you through more pain, and it hurts him to see you so emotionally torn as well. Men like to fix things, but this isn't something he can fix, so he might feel very helpless and weak. Maybe even the idea of adoption just reminds him of the pain struggles and loss, and maybe he will change his mind on this point after he walks into the sunshine, too, or maybe he won't. Adoption is for later, anyway, after you have both healed emotionally from the losses you are now experiencing.

I know from my experience, a new person you love (like in an adoption) does not take away the sting of the loss. The loss is still the loss, and an adoption won't change it.

And another reason not to try to move on too quickly is because your lost children DESERVE to be grieved over. Their short lives were important, and will do a lot to form the person you are becoming. One day you will be thankful for what they taught you.

Loss and grief is undoubtedly the hardest thing to go through in your life, but you will go through it, and you will walk into the sunshine one day. But for today, just continue to put one step in front of the other and don't deny the importance of what you are going through, your loss, and your children.

All the Best,
L.

S.:
Like everyone here, my heart goes out to you and I am giving you a big hug. I have never suffered the loss of a child and couldn't even imagine the pain you must be feeling.

I do know a little about grief, however, as I lost a fiance to suicide. The best thing was to seek spport from those who have been through the same thing (as you have done here). I also remember that, "You don't move on, you move with"...you grieve in your own time and don't let anyone minimize or tell you "are you still upset about that?" (I got that a LOT). You have the right to grieve in your own way..I am so proud of you for seeking support.

I also remember a quote from Victor Frankl that always helped me, "To live is to suffer, to survive is to find meaning in suffering"..perhaps later you will help someone else who has been through this...it helps to find some positive outcome from all of the pain.

I wish I had more to give you...I am so sorry for what you have been through...I will keep you in my thoughts (and prayers).

S.,

I am so sorry for your losses. Only you can know how much those babies meant to you and how much it hurts when they are gone. I had three miscarriages before my two sons were born and although I didn't experience the complications you have had, I know it affected me very, very deeply.

I think you may have several parts of things you can do. Maybe you can do something to honor the babies you have lost. I got angel ornaments for each of our babies that go on our Christmas tree each year. No one knows the signifigance of them except my hubby and I.

Also I know my husband was scared to keep trying because he saw how much emotional pain I experienced from it. He changed his mind over awhile, but we both had to get to a place where we felt like we were ok with whatever the outcome would be. He may be also experiencing his own sadness / loss and not sure how to express it.

As a guy he probably just wants to fix the problem (I know mine did) and when we talked it out over time, he realized us just not trying or not adopting wasn't where we ultimately wanted to be.

Best of luck and feel free to contact me if you need an ear:).

S.,

I am so sorry for your losses. I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy, and it was a very hard time for both me and my husband. I also am familiar with the drive to want to have another baby after the loss. I think you and your husband need to have a serious conversation about whether or not to try again. Tell him how you feel about trying and about not trying. Write your feelings down ahead of time so you do not leave anythign out. Let your husband tell you how he feels about trying again and the feelings he has about the miscarriages. Let him know ahead of time that you want to have this talk. It may seem silly, but schedule the time to talk maybe over coffee somehwere so your boys will not be around so you both have each other's full attention. Hopefully from your donverstion you guys can get to common ground.

After 4 miscarriages, your doctor should be willing to do some testing to see if they can determine a cause. Sometimes none are found, but other times there may be a simple solution to help you carry baby full-term. If you become pregnant again your doctor should monitor you very closely. Find a doctor you trust and is ready to help you.

One thing that helped with my grief was joining babycenter.com and joining a pregnancy loss group. I found one for mothers who lost their baby in the same month as I did, and we are still a group and have become very good friends. We still chat on our 'board' and it has been almost 2 years since our miscarriages. They have all kinds of chat boards. You could find one for people who have suffered multiple miscarriages, one for mothers trying to conceive after miscarriage, deciding not to try again...there are so many. We all could talk through our feelings and really understood what each other were going through.

I wish you all the luck in the world. I hope you and your husband can reach a common ground, and I hope you can fully heal emotionally.

Although I haven't dealt with having a miscarriage it is great to see in your profile that you are a mother of 2 boys! As it appears that you are working so hard to have another baby it is wonderful that you are already a mother.
If you are unable to have another baby and adoption is out of the question enjoy the 2 angels that you have now since
there are many women who would love to have just one and are unable to conceive.

I have not had to deal with this, i just wanted to tell you that i am sorry and you are in my thoughts. I took care of my sister during her miscarriage and after her D&C. I know that is was a very difficult time for her. She is due with a new baby in Dec. Everything does find a way to work itself out. I will pray that it does for you.

Hi S.,

I have lost 2 babies, but have never had the complications you had. After the second one I lost, I chose to try only one more time because it was tearing me up emotionally after each one that I lost. Fortunately, I had my healthy son.

I think it is loving the reason that your husband doesn't want you to try again. He is worried and concerned about you. He doesn't want to face the thought of something worse happening to you or the fear of losing you.

Maybe if he could go to the doctor's office with you for a consultation and he could hear what the risks might be and then way the risks with the fact of how much you want a baby, it could help him to see that it might be worth it for your sake.

{{{hug}}}

L.

MANY HUGS!!!! It wasn't until my 5th loss that I started to turn to others for support and boy did I wish I had started sooner, instead of keeping it all inside over the years. Find those who give you the support you need/want! Let them help you in the ways that they can. Try not to do it all on your own.

Your husband's reaction sounds like he's also trying to protect your heart in the only way he knows how. Lean on each other.

I feel for you, truly!

I am so sorry for what you are going thru. At this time I would pray and know that god loves you and he will let things happen when they are suppose to. Count your blessing you already have two children. I know this is tough but there are other ways. Look into other options like a surrogate mother. I will keep you in my prayers.

Hi S., You truly have been through alot recently and it sounds like your husband doesn't want you to go through any more hurt or disapointment.That could be where he is coming from...I am 44,married and have a 4yr.old domesticcally adopted son (the love of my life)I was also adopted and currently work as a family therapist.I have worked in adoption in the past and can tell you that adoption is a sure thing (it can take up to 2yrs..if you get the paperwork done it's faster) Your husband might not know about all the changes in the domestic adoption system...You really do get alot of information about the babies& BM/BF (birth moms/birth dads)This can be expensive ...also recently there have been changes in DYFS and you can adopt a newborn/infant without having to foster (they pay you)...I was also concerned that my husband wouldn't perhaps love our adopted "son" the way his own flesh and blood but as soon as he held him that all changed.Adoption is not as secretive as it was when I grew up ...it's really a blessing so do some research and go to a information meeting at a repretable adoption agency in your area. Be careful with online services....Warmly, A. A. from Southern NJ

Mothering.com/disscussion has a grief board or maybe specifically one for those who have lost pregnancies.

If not there is often times conversations of the other available discussion groups that deal more specifically with lost pregnancies.

I am in the Grief board there and see this topic very often and notice as I also lost one 20 years ago.

Hugs to you -- find your way to help you through this so you can focus on the little's at hand.

Hi S.,
I am so sorry for your experiences. I had three miscarriages before I had my (only) son at age 39. I, however, didn't have the medical complications you did after my D&C's.
The grief of a miscarriage is very personal and everyone deals with it in their own way. Maybe you could seek out a grief support group ion your community to help you express and deal with the grief you are experiencing? I know O. thing, grief must be dealt with, be it now, 5 years from now or later. A support group may help. Start with your OB/GYN or church to locate O..
I think men deal with miscarriage in a way very different than women. And it's really hard for them to express that grief and their fears of future losses.
I know after my third miscarriage my husband was really hesitant to try again and he wasn't open to the idea of adoption. In some ways, I believe he felt the impact of the miscarriages more than I did. I was really focused on trying again and having a child, no matter what it took. But he almost couldn't bear the thought of having another mis.
My doctors found that I had a luteal phase deficiency and I had to use progesterone suppositories to adjust my body so that the embryo would firmly implant to the uterine wall. I always got pregnant very easily, but wouldn't stay that way. I always lost the babies at 12-16 weeks.
Maybe you and your husband could talk to a counselor, pastor, etc so he can better understand why another baby is so important to you. Yoiu need ot be on the same page, after all.
I used to agonize about WHY was this happening to us, when we wanted a child so badly and yet other people could so easily have a billion of them without any effort whatsoever.
We don't always understand what the greater plan for our lives is and why it takes us in such unwanted directions, but have faith that you are where you need to be right now. Things will work out for the best, it's just that we are sometimes incapable of seeing the greater plan. For now, enjoy the two blessings you have. Good luck to you and may God Bless your family.

My cousin had 3 miscarraiges and was the same age as you. She stopped trying and basically gave up. When she was 41 a miracle happened and she became pregant. She had a beautiful girl who is now 14. Let nature take its course, don't try or stress and if it is meant to be you will get pregnant. Good luck.

I would seek out another doctors advice.My friend was over 40 she had 2 miscarriages and went through alot of testing to find out she was becoming pr -menapausal.Before yougive up make sure you know the reason for so mant miscarriages.
You are very fortunate to already have 2 children.Im assuming they are biologicaly yours.
Good luck! , L.

Dear S.,
I am really sorry that you have had to go through and are still living such hell. Know that "this too shall pass". The only certainty in life is "change", for good or ill.
When I was living my own personal hell between 1997 and 2004, I had two lifelines: sewing and writing poetry. I guess I was truly what they would call a "tortured artist". Now that (thank God) the emotional pain is gone, so is the inspiration. I have these beautiful outfits (that I can't wear any more cuz I was a sack of bones) and this poetry to remind me of that "dream time". I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
N

Try your best to detach the emotion from the actual miscarriages-they are an extremely common medical reality, and the pregnancy was not meant to proceed to term. Many miscarriages occur before people know they're pregnant. It's very hard, but you heart will feel better with time, like recovering from any injury or loss. As for the future, you shouldn't worry about trying, even if you keep trying. You should try to focus on being happy with what you have and being healthy and good to yourself and do lots of extra doting on your family and husband (more flies with sugar). he will be more willing to go with the flow if you are a trooper and an awesome loving woman than if you seem damaged by the ordeal, because he'll be afraid of another ordeal. How you are feeling is natural and to be expected, but do your best to shine for the future once you have had time to mourn. Even one year from now can feel like a whole new reality for him, if you bounce back. He may forget to "be careful" and may even be open to adoption if he sees you light up in every way about having another child. Talk to him and be open and positive with your feelings and desires-even if you have to wait or do it again when you're in a better place. Pregnancy can very likely happen for you again, but stress is the biggest prevention for it, so take good care of yourself and others. Best wishes!

S.,

My heart goes out to you, I have never had a miscarriage but it must be one of the most difficult experiences for any woman to go through , and you have had four. I suggest that you look for a support group, and consider seeing a grief counselor. You may want to write to your children about your lost hopes and dreams for them, your feelings of loss or do something creative, draw or paint your feelings, it may sound "wierd" but that is the basis of art therapy and it has worked for me. Don't worry about your art skills, it is about expressing yourself, for you, not the world.

My prayers are with you and your husband to find healing.

S.

What an ordeal you have been though. I am not at all surprised you have a hole in your heart. Not only did you have the emotional pain of losing the baby, but you ended up with all kinds of physical complications to resolve. And it sounds as if you aren't quite physically healed yet. I can kind of see where your husband is coming from. It's been 8 months since the miscarriage and you're only "almost" physically healed. I don't know how old your boys are, so I'm kind of guessing that the 4 miscarriages have all happened since the boys were born ?? I'm also guessing that your husband is feeling guilty because "he did this to you" by getting you pregnant, and he had to have been really scared that he might lose you somewhere along the road. And he just doesn't want to go through the guilt and horror of that all over again. His desire not to try again is prompted by his love for you, although it sounds as if you feel walled in by that desire.

So, the next set of questions are physical. Do the doc's have any idea what caused the 4 miscarriages ? The only way I can see it would make sense to go foward with a pregnancy would be to mitigate the factors that might have contributed to them. But if they don't know what caused you to miscarry, then you might be getting pregnant just to go through another miscarriage and another D&C -- which would probably be rather very after this last one.

So, then there's the emptiness inside that probably didn't get dealt with so much while you were more actively fighting the complications. It's normal to greave, and it's normal for that process to last a while. I am again guessing, that you are mourning the loss of the baby, and coming to terms with the reality that there isn't a baby moving into your home. Given the fact that the miscarriage was in March, had it not happened, you would have a baby in your arms right now. But they remain empty.

And that is incredibly hard to deal with. It's also hard because everyone else has moved on. And they don't understand, since the miscarriage happened so "long ago", that you are still grieving. Do you have a friend you can talk with ? the more you talk out your feelings, the healthier you will be. If there isn't a friend you can unload on, why don't you try keeping a journal. Write it all down, the hopes and dreams you had for your baby, the joy you had when you discovered you were pregnant, and the devastation of losing the baby. Write it all down. And write it all out again and again, as the emotions crop up, read what you've written and cry it out. You need to be able to look at the horror this brought to you, in order to move on, whether that moving on would mean getting pregnant again, or whether it means that you end up raising only 2 of your own children.

And then we come to the reality that you want more children and your husband does not. You would like to adopt, and he does not. I'm guessing (again) that he isn't trying to be cruel, but that he is simply happy with 2 boys and doesn't need to have more children to make him feel satisfied with family life. while you would like to try again, and feel "shut down" and maybe "shut out" here, it does take two parents to make a baby, and it would be best to go into the process with both of you on the same page.

So, if he doesn't want to risk losing his wife and he doesn't want to adopt, once you've dealt with your aching heart, how can you funnel that love that's inside you ? (well, yes, you do have 2 boys already, but I'm guessing you have more love and are looking to add kids to the mix to give that love an additional outlet)

Have you ever thought about babysitting infants in your home? You could have up to 4 young kids in your home while their moms go to work. I had no choice but to work when all 4 of my kids were little, and it's very hard to find a loving and positive environment for infants. When they get to nursery school age, its a whole lot easier, but there are still those moms who would so love to find a mom who would like to co-parent with her while she works. 3 of the babysitters I hired were wonderful. One was part of a farm family, and she was like an extra grandparent. She really loved my eldest, then #2, when she came along. Those girls are now 27 & 25, and we still exchange Xmas cards! She went way beyond the call of duty, keeping my kids and feeding them supper when I got stuck working late, never asking for more money in return. (In fact, whenever I got raises, I forced her to take raises, too, because without her, I would not have been able to earn those payraises.) The other two women were closer to my age, and they, too, acted as extra moms for me. I was able to share concerns I had about my kids, and get their feedback, because they saw my children all day long. While I have a wonderful husband, there were still times when I felt at a loss to interpret what I was seeing -- and adding one more "mom-brain" to the mix was a godsend.

Having had that kind of experience as a working mom, I can tell you that if you are willing to put your arms around a baby you send home at the end of each day, and are willing to love them, and help the biological mom parent that baby, you will be doing SO much for both the babies and their moms, that you will be remembered all their lives. It isn't the same as having your own baby, but I put it out there as a possible compromise wherein you don't attempt to have another pregnancy because your husband doesn't dare to go through that again, and he doesn't want to adopt, but you still have the opportunity to share the love in your heart with people, including babies, who truly need that love, and who would benefit greatly from having a home environment for daycare, rather than a larger daycare setting that is "more sterile" because it is more of a business than a place where love happens.

I wouldn't necessarily jump into the future at this point, however. Get through the anniversary of the miscarriage before you make any decisions. Grieving takes time, so try to be patient with yourself while you do that grieving. You had a baby die, just as much as someone who carried the baby all 9 months and still lost it. So the hole in your heart makes all kinds of sense. Just keep on keeping on . . . one day at a time. It's hard, and healing takes time so give yourself some leeway, and wade your way through life until you begin to feel healed in your heart.

Hi S.,

Having multiple miscarriages is more common than some would think. I have 5 friends that have had the same problems with miscarriages. One of them has had in-vetro 4 times to no avail and she and her husband as since adopted 3 children, another friend is trying in-vetro, and it's kind of up in the air w/the rest of them. Four of the five have had extensive medical testing to check fertility and other issues but nothing has come up from that. All I can say is do what your heart tells you and if adoption is an option to you, consider talking it over (again) with your husband. Good luck and God bless.

S. - Firstly, I am so very sorry for the loss of those four babies and your resulting complications. As others have said, hold tight to those boys you have and your husband.

I also experienced loss and felt that empty feeling, that drive for another child to love. My husband was and still is against adoption. In time (its been several years for me) the feeling lessons, but it hasn't disapeared. My husband dealt with his grief internally and wasn't able to speak to me about it, and I wanted to talk desparately. I would tell anyone who listened about what happended to me and my baby, it made many people uncomfortable I am sure.

I have tried all kinds of things to fill the emptiness in my heart. New hobbies, crafts, spending money, etc. In the end, I am volunteering at a animal rescue - it works for me, something else might work for you.

I guess if I were in your shoes, I would go with my husband to a specialist in high risk pregnancies, and discuss options. What are the risks to you, what are the chances of a healthy baby. Then you need to make your 'case' to your husband about trying again, and he makes his 'case' to you about not risking another bad outcome. Try to listen to each others concerns.

My SIL had 2 children born at 5 1/2 months gestation about 1 1/2 years apart, both did not make it. She then went on to have a full term baby girl, a premie baby girl and a full term baby boy. The last two pregnancies were spent with 3 and 6 months of complete bed rest. It was scary as well as a huge hardship for our entire family, but especially my brother. BUT, those children are now 14, 12 and 10 years old. Healthy, happy, getting straight A's in school, playing sports, in the HS Band etc. There is much love in that family.

I hope things work out for you. Bless you and your family.

W.

S.,
I am so sorry for what you've been through. I had a miscarriage several years ago and it broke my heart. I still get sad when I think about it. I found many people weren't sure what to say. Perhaps you should talk to a counseller. Good luck, Patty

S.,
My heart aches with you as I too felt the pain of losing a child through miscarriage. It seemed as though my dream of being a mom was never going to happen. After my D&E I went through about 5 months of intense grieving. During that time I journalled my thoughts, feelings, frustrations, questions and more. I began to search for the answers to end the pain and I was only able to find peace and rest in the arms of Jesus Christ. As I read the Bible and questioned the events that took place, God showed me that He knew my thoughts, feelings and pain and He was with me through it all. When I couldn't get out of bed, He was resting beside me and holding me while I cried. Though my husband couldn't understand, God did and He provided the healing in His word and with other wonderful moms from my church who endured the same painful experience. I ended up writing my journey and had the book published by Tate Publications. My heart's desire was to try to help others find the hope that I found. The book is called "Filling the Empty Spaces". I didn't realize how empty I had become and as I wrote, I began to see a hope for new life. God did bless my husband and I with a little girl a year later and we are rejoicing once again in such an amazing gift of life.

May God hear your cries and answer you with His love. I'll be praying for you.
In His love,
Jen