Second Baby Guilt?

There is plenty of love to go around. Get excited about the baby with her. She will take her cues from you.

Welcome to mamapedia, J.!!

so you have a 2 year old and you're worried that you won't be able to spend time with her? Um. Yeah - you will! She will WANT to help and change diapers (just not the messy ones) and she'll want to help feed her baby brother/sister.

STOP stressing over this. You will be fine and your heart will GROW and your daughter will still love you and she will still be your sidekick...this is hormones. BREATHE mama - you've got this!

Normal indeed. Yes, there will be times when the first-born resents that the younger one takes up some of her parents' time and energy or gets into her things as a toddler, however she's so young that she will barely remember the world without her younger sibling. It will just be the way things are. Also, you might be able to reframe your pregnancy as giving First-born the best gift in the world--a sibling! That little one will adore his/her big sister unconditionally (at least for the first few years)--as one of my friends said, her second child thought her older sister was the most interesting thing in the room when she was an infant. You can capitalize on that natural adoration. There will come a time when they can play together, and First-born gets to be a leader (as well as nurturer). Don't set up an expectation that they will be best friends always, however you can expect that your First-born will get lots of love and joy from the younger.

Totally normal. You can't imagine how you could love another person as much as you love baby 1 but you just do. You can't imagine how you can meet the needs of 2 little ones but you just do. You feel like baby #2 will get less of your time than you gave baby #1 and somehow he/she'll know but in the end its ok. The guilt is because we care which makes you a good mama. I had 4 with the last being twins so I can tell you that for the 6 months after they were born the child raising bar was set at everyone being fed, dressed, and alive. You know what? They all did fine.

When you have the baby, you're still mostly focused on your first because the older child is busy, new situations, learning, etc. My younger kids, as babies, all just hung out in a bouncy chair watching the entertainment (older ones playing) or on my hip as I chased the older ones around. They got attention when I had a free moment.

So if anything, I felt a tad guilty that my younger ones didn't get as much attention as the first had. But they didn't know the difference, and were content with the excitement going on.

My husband helped out equally with our kids so if I needed time one on one with my older ones, he took the baby. We frequently switched up so they got time with both of us. You could do the same :)

I think every mother has that feeling. I did. I couldn't believe that I would love another child as much as I loved my little girl. Guess what? I love my son as much as I love his sister. It just happens. Get excited! Get your daughter excited. This is a good thing!

I will say, our daughter was not thrilled when she found out she had a baby brother. She wanted a sister. Oh well, can't have everything! =)

I agree, it's totally normal. I think most women feel that way (and many men - my husband did) because you can't imagine that you will love another child the way you love the first one. And many women think that they have only a certain amount of love to give, so they will have to divide it 50-50 between 2 kids. But that's not how it works.

You won't really be splitting time in the way you think. Are you splitting your time when you and your husband do things with your daughter? Are you splitting time when you take her to a children's museum or a park, and now she's losing your attention because she's distracted by the museum exhibit or the swings at the park? Of course not - because those are experiences you are sharing together. The new baby will just become another experience that you will all share together.

There are times when your older child will resent the baby, but that doesn't mean she's deprived of something. It just means she's adjusting. There will be many adjustments she will go through - getting a babysitter, going to preschool, going to full day school, joining an activity....on and on. Some adjustments are smooth, others are not. And many toddlers and elementary school age kids don't transition well from one thing to the next. Doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong! It just means they are kids and they are still learning how to navigate the world.

And as Anne L. says, there will be may times when the baby finds your older child incredibly fascinating and entertaining, and that's a great gift TO your older child, not something you are taking FROM her.

And once your hormones settle down and you get into a routine, you will find the joy.

I think every mom has these feelings. Don't feel guilty. Your daughter may take time to adjust but she's going to be fine. She can be your big helper and get the diapers and wipes. Try to get excited about it so she will too, make sure she sees the baby as a good thing.

When the baby gets a little older - get a sitter for an hour. Take your daughter to lunch or to the park - just you two.

You are going to be fine. Congrats on the pregnancy.

My Moms parents should have stopped at one.
Her younger brother (my uncle) was hell on wheels.
My Mom should have stopped at one.
Growing up with my younger sister was pure hell.
2nd children in our family have been disasters for 2 generations.

The one thing my sister and I agree on is - we never wanted our kids to have siblings.
She has her daughter and I have our son.
They are so happy as only children!
All I can tell you is - your first born still needs attention from you even when the attention stealing newborn arrives.
Don't let conversations be all about the baby baby baby - make sure you mention how great your oldest is doing.
Don't force them to be together all the time.
Hand the baby over to Dad sometimes and do some one on one outings with your oldest.
There's no guarantee they will be compatible or even like each other - but - they might.
You never know what you're going to get.

Totally normal. My two youngest were 22 months apart and I grieved for the older one's loss of his babyhood. Of course in retrospect he wasn't a baby anymore and was more than ready for his younger brother to join our crew, but I shed many tears and racked up lots of feelings of guilt over this while I was pregnant. It's totally normal to worry about this, and then you'll see once the baby is here that your worry was for naught - you will have more than enough love to go around, your daughter will be ready for a sibling and then when you think about what it would have been like to just have your first, that picture will look like something is missing because you won't be able to imagine your family any other way.

I was worried about this too, actually I was worried that I couldn't possibly love another child as much as the first, but the minute my second one was born that feeling just vanished. It's nature I guess!

Our daughter was 25 months when our son was born. I felt a lot like you did. I really worried about her feeling left out or sad that she didn't have our attention all to herself. I felt a little sad knowing that I might miss some things with her. We had a couple of rough months.

The best thing I did was having Mommy and M days. She and I would go and do something without baby brother. Sometimes it was just a quick trip to Target and a little treat from the $ section. Sometimes it was a trip for ice cream. Sometimes it was a trip to the park. She loved doing that and it helped both of us feel a little better about things.

Another big thing for me was to put her first sometimes. I remember one night when both kids were crying and I was trying to soothe baby brother. She was getting more and more upset. Then it hit me that I needed to put her first. I put baby brother down and she and I cuddled until she felt better. Baby brother had fallen asleep. After that, I didn't always comfort baby first if he was just fussy.

It will all work out! Don't worry. It will take time, but you will all find your groove. Congrats!!

I guess I don't get it. We can choose when we have kids for the most part so our ideals about children in the home are different now. Before birth control was around families had a baby every other year or closer. Depending on the breast feeding and if that was a good form of birth control. Seemed to work out when they stopped breastfeeding they got pregnant again.

I think you'll be fine. You'll have a preschool age child and an infant.Totally different age groups and totally different activities with them. You can still do things with your older child by just putting the baby in the stroller and going. We did story time at the library in the children's section, we went to movies and plays, did everything we were already doing.

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Wow. I don't want to sound snotty, but it sounds like you are really wrapped into your 2 year old. How do you view your 2 year old generally? You referred to her as your sidekick. Does that mean you treat her as a friend? As someone you cater to or who caters to you?

I guess, I'm just curious how you behave in your relationship with her, since you are viewing the baby you are about to have as an intruder into your relationship. I know, you didn't use that word (intruder) but that is what you are describing.

You need to mentally get yourself into the place where you understand that your daughter and your unborn child will actually have more in common with each other than you do with either of them. That YOUR sidekick is your spouse, and that your daughter's sidekick will be her unborn sibling.

Honestly, the way I read your post it doesn't sound like you are concerned about your daughter having to share, as much as it sounds like you are concerned that YOU will have to share. Maybe I'm reading it wrong. Or reading into it. I hope so, and I apologize if I have.

From the beginning, I discussed baby #2 with our toddler son as another member of the family. And pointed out to him that he had almost 3 full years that he didn't share his parents with anyone, but that his new sibling would never have a time where she was an "only child" and would ALWAYS and ONLY have shared time. Whether that had an affect, or whether we just were lucky and blessed, I can't say. But he loved her from day 1, and still enjoys spending time with her. Most of their lives he has sought her out as a playmate, and they get along really well. He's 18 now, going off to military service in a few months, and still doesn't mind dropping his sister off at school on his way to work in the mornings. She's 15, and won't get her license until this summer when she turns 16.

I think you should not worry about feeling guilty, and be proactive in encouraging your older child into looking forward to having a younger sibling. It's great! They can be helpful, and encouraging, and help teach them Alllllllllllllll the things that bigger kids can do that babies can't yet. :)

I didn't have time for feeling guilty. I was worried I wouldn't be able to keep up!

Hi J.,

I have an only so I've never faced this and can't speak directly to your posted question. However, one thing caught my eye. My parents had me to "provide my brother with a sibling." I know this because my mother point blank told me. I can't tell you how hurtful it was knowing that my only reason for existing was to meet my brother's supposed needs. forgive me if I sound heavy handed but please don't ever tell your second born that he or she is here for that purpose.

my 2 cents from my experience............. have a lovely day and best of luck with you pregnancy and the birth. :-) S.

Don't feel guilty...you have no reason to feel guilt. Your heart expands! You have enough love and time for both of them. She will be your little helper and you will make time to have special time with her. You will haul the baby around to her fun toddler activities. She can show off her little baby brother/sister and be proud! And she and her sibling will love playing together when the baby gets older. Baby will love and follow around big sister and will adore her. Don't feel guilt...you are enriching all your lives. Having a second is a good thing. PS - I noticed after having my 2nd that my son learned to stop being so selfish. He learned more empathy and took a ton of pride in his baby sister. She thinks he is the greatest thing on earth. He loves the adoration and is protective of her.

my first was about 21 months when my second was born. i used the newborns naps to interact with the toddler. and still gave cuddles as often as they would let me. now they are nearly 5 and going on 7 and get along for the most part.
you will find a way to balance your time between the 2 children and your husband should also step up and interact with a child when you are tending needs of the other

I felt the same way. Felt like my son was going to think he was being replaced. My children are 13months apart! And seriously...once the baby is here you will be fine. Your oldest will be old enough to help you and she will feel great because she's mommy's Big helper. Let her know that and she will be ecstatic. My two were so close together it was overwhelming at first. But I got down a schedule. My first had barely turned one so he was very little. It will be easier for you I'm sure. And a week later it was like my daughter had been there the entire te. And now he is 2 and a half and she's 1 and a half and they are partners in crime. She is now his side kick.

I, too, have felt that guilt. Still do sometimes. My daughter was 29 months when my son was born. They're now 4.5 and 2. You'll eventually find a balance. I'm sure you've heard this before, but make sure you spend some one-on-one time with your daughter everyday -- it can be as little as 15 minutes. It will be hard to do sometimes, but do your best.

I felt the same way. My oldest was still so young and I had a horrible time leaving her to give birth to our second. But somehow it was fine after. I agree it's the second who kind of gets the short end of the stick. She had to hang out alone way more than #1. Don't worry. I adore them both now and sometimes they hate each other and sometimes they're happy to have each other. Pretty typical I think. But they have said overall they are happy to have each other. And I lost count of the times I have been so glad I had two and close together bc they played so well together.