Pregnant and Have Issues

Your feelings are perfectly normal, yet try not to "what if" yourself to death. You definitely have your hands full, but you will survive. We always do. Try to change your attitude, journal the positives in your life and focus on them. Let the negatives disappear. There are always positives and negatives in our lives, but we make the "choice" on what we want to focus on. You will get through this even though you may not feel like you will right now. I love the saying..."This too shall pass." One thing we are guaranteed in life is that...it will change! That is a definite. Meditate, journal, and remember to breathe! If all of those "what if's" come true, you will handle it. If your baby is born autistic, you will love him/her just as much as you do your autistic daughter. But, you don't know the future, you don't know what's going to happen. Live in the moment, today, right now. Don't waste time and energy on what "may" happen. You need all the time and energy you have to live in this moment, and that's all that matters right now. We don't know what tomorrow may bring, or if we'll have a tommorow. So, cherish this moment, your children, your husband, your unborn baby, and especially yourself! Give that unborn baby lots of love and let him/her know he/she is wanted in this world.

Hmmm...I had a difficult time reading your post, and had to sit back and breathe for a while before deciding to respond...hoping to not offend. I have struggled with infertility for the last several years. Our first son took 18 months to conceive, and we've been working on #2 for over 2 years now (with the help of wonderful fertility doctors). It does sound like you are a wonderful and patient mom (you'd have to be to be able to keep up with all the kiddos!). I just totally can't relate with you. I don't know where your religious stance is...but I have always believed that God would not give you anything that he didn't feel you could handle. Besides the obvious (what about protection...or getting tubes tied if you didn't want more??), have you thought about the possibility of adoption? Perhaps giving the baby to a home where the family has wanted nothing more than to be parents, and for whatever reason, could not be blesse with that the "old fashioned way"? I hope my post hasn't offended you, I only meant for it to be a different way of seeing things. In my eyes, you are SOOOOO very blessed to have the opportunity to have the children you do, when there are so many others out there that struggle with that, like myself. Good luck, and I hope you find the answers you're looking for.

You are absolutely NOT a terrible person!! You do have a lot on your plate. I think it takes a lot of courage to honestly express your feelings and seek advice. I don't know if you believe in God or not, but I will say this and hope to not offend you. They say, "God will not give you more than you can hendle." But the truth is God will not give us anything that He is not prepared to support us through. You sound like a wonderful mother.I think these feelings are completely normal. Even mothers with just a couple children with no disabilities feel this way from time to time. You have several children and one that requires extra attention. Heck yeah you are apprehensive!! Completely understandable. BUT I do believe you will be just fine.

C....you ARE normal and your thoughts and concerns are ligitimate, especially with all you have been through and all that you have on your plate. I won't assume to know what you are going through because I don't believe anyone truly can understand anothers stress no matter how similar their circumstances are, however I will urge you to seek counseling and suggestions from your doctor, your husband, and the higher power you may believe in. You have some choices to make and the only other advice I have is to be sure that whatever you choose to do, you make the decision with a clear heart and mind so that down the road you won't be beating yourself up over it. I wish you all the best and please know that you'll be in my thoughts. No judgement here on my part C.. Good luck!

Hi C. -

First of all, none of the thoughts you are having are "abnormal" in any way; congratulations to you, though, for putting them out there. I'm sure I'm not the only one who had scary thoughts while pregnant that I was just afraid to share. Anyway...

You have SO MUCH to deal with already! Yes, children are blessings and blah blah blah, but you are now in your 40s with a full house and it is entirely understandable that you might not want to deal with another child at this point in your life, particularly when you factor in the possibility that the child has a higher risk of being born with certain complications.
You are the only one who can make a decision about what to do. Fortunately, at 7 weeks, it's still early and all of your options are are still open, at least for a little while. If terminating your pregnancy is not something you'd consider, perhaps think about adoption. Sit down and talk with your husband. Worrying about the "what if's" is something that we all do, and I think that you really do need to consider the worst possible outcome to any situation, and ask yourself "How much more am I really prepared to handle?"
It sounds like you have a great support network, but you're right - your older teen children will need to start their own lives pretty soon...
I don't know; I sense that I'm getting a little rambly. I suppose my main point was to say that NO - you are not a terrible person. You are completely normal, your thoughts are entirely understandable, and I wish you the very best of luck. As I said, it's early enough that your options are pretty much wide open. Please don't worry about what other people think, or those who may try to sway you by working "god" into the equation. Your family is real in the here and now, and you need to figure out what is best for all of you.

Good luck.

Hi C.,
I for one totally understand where you are coming from. I too was 42 when I got pregnant with my last baby. He is now 10,11 next month. When I found out I was pg with him, I was scared to death. Afraid I'd die having him, or something would be wrong with him, or was I too old to have another baby. I have older children,too. They are now 34,29,21. I had alot of challenges with them. Our home, when I was married to their dad wasn't a great place to be. So, I was divorced and had alot on my plate with all the problems cause by alcoholizm(the dad). I kept telling myself that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, even if we don't think we can.
My soon to be 11 yr old is moms helper. He wants to do everything. He thinks he's 30. That comes with having all older sibblings and he was an Uncle as soon as he was born. He does have a little problem with getting respect from his neices and nephews. They think of him as another kid, but he doesn't. Oh the joys. We do survive and adjust, with love and alot of praying.
Hope this helps a little.
C. H.

Hi, I too have a yours mine and ours family. Our oldest son 10yrs. has Velocardiofasial syndrom which requires MANY, MANY sugurys on his mouth, sinus', jaw and ears. We also have a 6yr old girl, a 5 yr. old girl (who at this time lives with her mom) a 4 yr old girl and now a 10 mo old boy. I have had a total of 15 pregnacies with the last loss being a 33 week still born. So i am sure you can imagiane my fear when I found out I was pregnant with our youngest. I was put on bed rest at 3 weeks because the pregnancy started out with an internal hemorage and they thought I was going to lose him. We looked at all of our options and finally desided to see what happened. My Husband is a VERY supportive person. It was beyond hard to wait and see if he would make it. Our plate was already full and now here I was, on complete bed rest, 4 other kids and scared to death. Long story short, We made it through by emergancy C-section at 35 weeks and have had my tubes tied. We needed ALOT of help to get through it all.I can not imagain it being any better now but to go through it all with so many problems and worries was one of the hardest things we have ever had to endore. If we didn't have so much support from friends and family it would have been impossible. What ever you deside is the right choice for you. Now that our son is here, I can not fathom things with out him but if things had been differntly, I know that we still would have made it through together. I think you should base your desition on what would change for better or worse and compare the pro's and con's like we did. No one can tell you what is the best for you and your family. If you don't have enough supoort and help now then think about if and where you can get more. If this is not possible then I think you and your Husband should sit down and talk about what is best and what options you two can agree on. I wish you the best and I know you will make the right choice for your family.

Hi C.,

Bless your heart... First off, sounds like you are a very loving and compassionate mom. I can understand somewhat the feeling of being overwhelmed. I am due in August with twins. We have a 15 month old daughter now. Not sure about your spirituality, but turning to God and just venting through fears and issues can really help. It is important to have a good support system. It sounds like you are not the only one feeling scared and unsure. I bet this baby is going to be such a blessing, :) Also, EVERYTHING you are feeling is completely normal and expected during a pregnancy. Somedays, I can literally cry over spilled milk. :) If you need to talk via email or phone, i'd be glad to listen anytime. Blessings to you all...

Katherine

P.S. Email is ____@____.com

Unfortunately I don't think a lot of the responses you have been given actually give you answers for what you are looking for. They just talk about their own lives.

Your feelings are very justified at this point, and I can understand you even contemplating a possible termination. I wouldn't blame you for entertaining this thought. I think you and your husband need to sit down and talk about what you want and what is best for everyone. Look at timing, finances, and the effect another child would have on the family as a whole and most importantly your life for the next 9 months.
You may want to talk to a professional counselor to help sort out the feelings, but remember, your feelings and reservations are VERY normal

Wow, first off congragulations on your new arrival! You are dealing with an experience that not very many have. You are blessed with the gift of several wonderful children. I know it may seem hard at some points in your day, but take this slow, breath and appreciate this pregnancy, appreciate your children, appreciate the fact your in good health and have such a healthy body and soul that your body is welcoming yet another opportunity to produce life. Your children will all be grown up someday, including the wee one in your belly, and they will look back on all these times in amazment and just ask, "how?". How did mom ever do it!? They will begin having their own children and they will go to you for their advise. I have sooo much respect for you, to have the patiencethat you have is such a gift. Give yourself more credit!!! Never think twice about how your feeling!!! Your feelings are sooo important. Feel proud of them! Your going through alot of changes and emotions so take that all into mind. Your husband I'm sure is busy making sure his family is going to have enough money to get by. Everyone in your home is thinking and feeling something differant...bare with these negative thoughts...they will soon pass for all of you the second you hold your baby for the first time! I am sooo happy for you and your family, feel blessed, you are blessed!!! Much love!

First of all you are NOT a terrible person! I also am 42 and am expecting my third/his first. I think all woman our age ask the "What if?" questions. Have you told your husband how you feel about things? How does he feel about your feelings? I think that would be the first thing I would do. As you know, there are tests that your doctor can do to provide you with some answers regarding your medical concerns. I never thought that I would be having a baby at my age but, I feel that there must be a reason for it. Like my mom told me, "God would only give you as much as you could handle. No more, no less." There must be a reason for this blessing in your life. He did give you your 5 year old that you wouldn't trade for the world. Who knows maybe he/she will be an amazing little one that will be your greatest accomplishment. Talk to you husband. Be honest and open with him. You never know what he is thinking about the whole thing himself. Let him know that you need him more now then ever before. I think he will step up to the plate when needed. Best of luck to you and yours. My thought will be with you.

Hey, I'm really not in your position, but I know of a woman who had 2 boys, 5 and 7, when she found out she was prego again. They had been talking about refinancing their home/moving into a larger one, weighing their financial options, since she had just started working full time again, after 8+ years off. This woman had been an executive of some sort, and had been looking forward to climbing the career ladder to a top position again.
Well, she loves kids, and couldn't bear to tell anyone she was pregnant, and her feelings included sorrow, joy, ambivalence.
I have several friends, myself as well, who PLANNED a new pregnancy, and then freaked out.
What's my point, you ask? I just want to let you know that you are...NORMAL.
I really feel like I have to tell you this. Pregnancy and the little one inside of us is only under a small measure of our control. Meaning, aside from eating good things, taking care of your body, and your mind (stress relief measures, I'm sure with all your kids, you know a few!) you are essentially rolling the dice, and hoping to roll a winner. Maybe you're only having these feelings now that your life has been touched by one of the what ifs you are describing. I too, tend to think that we are never given more than we can handle, but you know what that makes me think/say sometimes? "Wow, God, I guess you think I can handle this, but I wonder if you're wrong about me!" The thing of it is, if anyone knows us, it's our Maker. I offer this as a comfort, not as a judgement, so whatever you feel about your religious beliefs, please know that I don't feel that you are bad for having those thoughts. Truthfully, I've had 'em, and I only have 1.5 kids. So what to do? Don't get down on yourself, just figure out what you need to get better. I personally spent the first few weeks of this pregnancy on the couch, watching my 17 month old run around, because I was too sick to do anything. I found that avoiding food altogether made it worse, even though the thought of food made me sick! I suggest checking my profile out, because I requested remedies and ideas for morning sickness, and a lot of ladies responded with good, weird, and interesting ideas that I wouldn't have thought of.
Also, do you have a group of moms that you belong to? Officially or not, hanging out with other moms is a relaxing way to get yourself some support.
Take care, and go easy on your self. Your kids need a mommy who is good to herself, so she can keep being good to them.
Love,
A.

I have no idea what you are personally going through, and nobody can. But the advice that I can give is, similar to what others have already said. Seek some outside help, for your emotions and yor marriage. Talk with your husband about what you are going through, and what you need from him. Put your marriage first, no matter how hard it is, and go at this as a team. No matter what you choose you will have support and you will always have someone to talk to. But remember that there is nothng "wrong" with your feelings and you never have to justify them. Own them, there your feelings.

Hi C.,

I don't want to run the risk of offending anyone her either but all of your responses seem to be saying the same thing. I would not feel comfortable suggesting any course of action for someone else but I really think you would benefit from an organization called Backline. You can call and speak to a trained advocate openly and candidly about your situation, without judgement, and try to work through your feelings about this pregnancy. The website is www.yourbackline.org or you can call 1.888.493.0092

Talk Line Hours:
Monday - Thursday
5:00 p.m. - 10:00 p.m., Pacific Standard Time
8:00 p.m. - 1:00 a.m., Eastern Standard Time
Friday - Sunday
10:00 a.m. - 3:00 p.m., Pacific Standard Time
1:00 p.m. - 6:00 p.m., Eastern Standard Time

I hope this helps.

I think your "what if's" are well justified. But I know that in my own life I now have 4 kids - 3 were NOT planned...just little surprises. The last one I found out I was pregnant while I was still in college & REALLY wanting to finish my degree!!! I what if'd because my husband already had one child who is really demanding and this child would be #5 between the two of us. But she has been such a blessing & completion of our family. I think it is normal to feel a lot of anxiety-especially in the situation you are in, but I TRULY believe that everything happens for a reason & that things ALWAYS do turn out okay. Keep your chin up & keep us posted!

Hi C.,

I can relate to what you are saying only because I have so many what ifs as well. I think that the biggest part of the problem is not knowing. I am 39 and 10weeks with my first. We conceived the first month trying after a rather sudden change of heart to have kids after 7 years following on the heels of some drastic lifestyle changes. I want to know that things are going to be okay. I have a high functioning neice and nephew with autism as well.

I am sure that you are aware that within the past 2 weeks, scientists have identified many genes associated with autism
http://www.webmd.com/news/20070315/many-gene-glitches-may...
and these may be used to test for a second child
http://www.northender.com/northend_news_details.jsp?id=908
Whether or not that would be available to you in time is another story. Not to up your worries, but Down's syndrome is another high risk with our advanced maternal age.

Since we have only recently decided to try to have a family, we are just not prepared to raise a child with severe handicaps. However, I also do feel a sense of obligation to society to not bring a child into this world that I will not be able to care for, for one reason or another and for that child not to become a burden to society. This is not meant to offend anyone, but are my own personal views that I am having to wrestle with.

So, I would definitely talk with your Dr. and a genetic counselor. This should be done early in pregnancy. I have had a friend who waited until it was too late to learn about her increased risk of DS and then worried herself silly. I have also seen it on message boards where women are in some sort of denial and then panic when a late stage u/s reveals a risk with advanced maternal age. To me, that seems kind of irresponsible. Either you accept the child and don't worry yourself if you are determined to have it, or you pursue testing to make sure and have information available to you to make informed decisions one way or another. Genetic counselors provide information and do not try to convince you one way or the other.

I take comfort in being proactive and getting concrete information. The world of what ifs is huge and if some of these can be eliminated, my belief is that my pregnancy will be the better for it.

I hope that this offers a different perspective. Best wishes.

C.,

You will receive lots of advice regarding whether or not to continue with your pregnancy. Everyone has an opinion regarding what is right or wrong and what is best. The important thing to take into consideration is what is right or wrong for *you*. I can tell you that abortion is the safest and most commonly performed surgical procedure in the united states. I can tell you that 43% of all women you see on a daily basis will have had at least 1 abortion before the age of 45. I can tell you that there is a less than 1% chance of complications resulting from abortin and that abortion without complication will have no affect on your future health or fertility.
I cannot tell you what you should do and anyone that does try to tell you what you should do does not have your best interest in mind - they have their own biases and motives in mind.
The desicion to continue or terminate a pregnancy is a deeply perssonal and emotional desicion that no one takes lightly.. It is important to feel confident with either choice that you make and to realize that whatever you choice, you will have gains and you will have losses. You have to choose what gains and losses you can live with.

Hope this is at least a little helpful and good luck to you and your family!!
-B.

If you lived your life full of what-if's, where would you be today?

It definitley sound like you have a full house but you have to take everybodies feeling into consideratoin. Have you talked to your huband about this? Have you voiced your concerns with him? Granted you already have 8 kids but three of them don't live with you so you really only have to take care of five right now and two of them are adults. So really you should only have to worry about the three younger ones. I'd talk to the kids and youor husband to see what their feelings are on having another baby. Who knows they may be excited about the whole thing. Besides your daughter is 5, youd a son who came out perfectly normal. What's to say that this child won't be normal too? You'll never know if you keep going with those what-if's. If you're really concerned about being too overwhelmed with a new baby a 2 year old and your 5 year old autistic daughter then maybe you should take adoption into consideration. They do have open adoptions which would still allow you to be a part of that child s life you just no longer have total responsibility on raising the child. I'm sure you can even chose the parents you want the child to go to. You just can't get attached to this new child. So I hope this helps you out a little bit. Let me know.

My heart goes out to you, C. -- you do have a lot on your plate.
You are seven weeks pregnant, and that by itself, should be the base of your rationale about anything you feel for the next nine months and beyond! Even if you didn't have all this other stuff going on in your mind and life, you would be "normal" to feel misgivings or fears about the future or anything at all -- those pregnancy hormones can really make you feel crazy!
That's what I think. Don't add guilt to your already stacked emotions, ok? Try your best to think positive, even though it can be super hard -- if you feel down, call or email someone who will lift you up. Now is the time you probably need as many positive friends and family in your life that you can gather. People who will really be there for you when you are so exhausted that you can't see straight, much less make important decisions about children during the day.

Let yourself off the hook! Make it okay that you feel whatever it is that you are feeling, as long as it remains safe for you and your children! But share your feelings, too. I think that it helps to talk and use forums like this one to let go of things that could easily be bottled up. I'm sure there are more women out there who think and feel the same as you. Try not to worry about the what if's -- if there is nothing you can do to change something, try to let it go! My gosh you have enough to deal with!

I'm sure everyone that reads your message will be on your side -- imagine all those women out there reaching out their hearts to you!

(you can always email me if you feel like venting -- complain, whine and cry until you feel better!)

-A.

The Hope Center
905 Main St, Suite 508
Klamath Falls, OR 97601
###-###-####

This is a place where you can go to talk to someone and get more information about your options. And just have someone to talk to in person. Also, here's a website you can go to for more information http://optionline.org. I hope this helps you with your decision.

A.