Poor Kid in Class and Gifts

Have you ever had this little girl to your home?
That might be a good time to offer her some "extra stuff you have hanging around" for her and her brother.
I think it's a fabulous idea, and upon drop off , you can tell the dad something like
"I don't know how you feel about hand me downs, but we love them! Some people are offended, so I wanted to ask you first because we have a nephew/neighbor/child/friend that gives us WAY more than we can use--would you mind helping us out with the stuff your kids might enjoy?"

Since it's a school associated with the church, make an appointment with the pastor. My father was a pastor and he dealt with this frequently. Someone would want to help a family in need anonymously, and they'd give my dad a gift or money or go to the store and pay for a new tire for the family's car. My dad of course could not divulge where the generosity came from, he'd call the family and tell them that someone wanted to bless someone with a meal or a grocery store gift card or that tire that was waiting for them at the auto shop. He knew exactly how to phrase it, and how to impress upon the family that the giver wished to remain anonymous.

You could buy a gift card for groceries, or wrap a couple of things for the pastor to deliver. I think you have a wonderful idea and I think that the church connection is the way to get it done in the kindest way.

ETA: the pastor might also know the family and be able to give you some guidance. Perhaps the father has visited with the pastor. The pastor might know if it would be appropriate to speak directly with the father, or he might tell you that this is a situation that should be left alone, or he might direct you as to how to proceed.

I think hand-me-downs or "I had an extra Dora lunch box" can be appreciated or can feel insulting. Sometimes people don't want to be someone's personal charity or know that it's so obvious they have problems. If you do anything, don't tell your daughter - it will then be a topic of discussion that Family A gave something to Family B because Family B is so poor. Also, if you single out the daughter, there's a 12 year old boy who's not getting anything - it's wonderful that you see that he needs stuff, but it's hard to know what. 12 is a particularly tough age when school friends are toting around iPhones and so on.

I'm not a dental expert so I don't know how to tell if someone has had a drug problem or just never been able to afford dental care by looking at their teeth. So be very careful with assumptions and holding back your efforts because of an assumption unless you have the background to diagnose the condition. It certainly sounds like a nice polite single father raising 2 children on a starvation wage job at McDonald's is doing an awesome job.

I agree that, since this is a church school, you sit down with the pastor. The pastor will not be able to share anything confidential, but will be able to steer you in a particular direction and away from another direction that would not be well received. He/she will also have perspective on the older child. If not, the pastor should be able to reach out and pay a call as part of get-to-know-the-church-families, and that will give some perspective. Any donations that come from "the church" with only the pastor's knowledge of the recipients would be the way to go.

Very short term, you could ask if this little girl has a Halloween costume and let the dad know that you are making something for your daughter, and would his daughter like to come over for a play date and help to create her own costume. Maybe the pastor will say that it would be okay to say you got some candy at Buy 1 Get 1 free to give the family something to hand out. That's an expensive luxury for people on fixed or limited incomes.

It's wonderful that this father has raised this child to see the joy in what she has - a house with pools and jacuzzis. It would be great if other kids were raised to see that apartment living can be fun (lots of neighbors, no shoveling your own walk in a snowstorm, indoor trick or treating on a rainy Halloween, and more). So while you really want to help and they may well need it, it's good that you want them to maintain their dignity and pride.

I would get a lunchbox to her...Tell her that you are giving her and her brother a candy bar for Halloween.

Put a big candy bar in the lunchbox and give her brother some kind of bag with a candy bar in it !

Put a Halloween card in each ---Write in the card...".So nice to have met your family. Happy Halloween !!!"

Speak with the Principal.

Maybe there is a way some "donated items" could be passed along.

At our daughters elementary school, we had a huge lost and found problem. So things would pile up. We would send out newsletters, emails. once a month we would lay out everything across the stage in the lunch room, the teachers would walk their classes in front of the stage so each child could take a look. Even the school sign out front would remind kids and parents to check the lost and found. We of course searched to see if they were labeled so we could return them to the children.

At the end of the year, I took 12 or 15 (been a while) huge garbage bags full of beautiful jackets, back packs, shoes, lunch boxes, all sorts of things that had been lost the whole year, to an underprivileged elementary school here in town.

What I am getting at, Maybe you could purchase a few things and ask the Principal to give them to this child. He could say he heard she liked Ninja Turtles and he just happened to have one that was from the lost and found a few years ago. (take the tags off of course) Maybe store a banana in it over night so it will have that lunch box smell to it.

You are sweet to want to help her.

I've been in that girl's shoe and as a kid, would have WELCOMED a new lunchbox let alone anything else that someone wanted to buy me. However, in terms of the dad and not wanting to bring insult.. you could approach it like this.. hey, I have an extra lunchbox that someone else gave to me.. we can't use it at this, I noticed your daughter likes Dora.. would she care to have it? this way, you go through him and too...Don't send gift cards.. IF he is using.................. the gift card may be sold for less so that he gets cash for drugs... NEVER give money when you know there could be a user...

I would wait for an occasion to have an excuse to buy it, just to avoid hurting dad's pride.
Maybe buy one and fill it with candy, and give it to her on the way home as a "trick or treat" present?

I agree with Fuzzy. There are ways to cloak the gift.

Also, try to give to the brother as much as you give to the sister so that it does not cause a rift between them.

If you shop thrift, a good way to disguise is to invite the brother and sister to lunch at your house and then have a reason to go to a thrift store.Tell all 3 kids--yours too--that they can choose 3 clothing items each and a toy. Take them back home to wash and iron the clothes and disinfect the toys.
This treat will not break you, but will be a lesson to all the kids on ways to shop economically.

For Christmas, see if the church, your job, or any businesses gives turkey donations. Also, give the dad and the kids some needed gifts (socks for all 3, undies for the kids, as well as maybe some chocolates.

You are a gem for wanting to do something.

ETA: Karin H's suggestion is great! Yard work, rearranging furniture, helping you garage sort, etc.

How small is small? Is the school so small that if some kids are identified by the counselor (whose job this would be in our large elementary schools here) as in need, that those kids would be known to all even if things were donated anonymously to them?...Here's what I mean.....

Our school had a Giving Tree. The counselor identified families in need since she knew the families' economic situations and parents didn't. Then she make a posterboard tree with red paper apple shapes on it. The apple shapes would say things that the counselor knew were needed or just wanted by kids in the school -- but NO names were associated with anything.

So the apples might say, for instance:

"Boy's coat, children's size 8"
"Girl's lunch box, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if possible"
"Boy's toy car for age 12"
"Girl's art set for age 8 and up"
"Girl's gloves, children's size 5"

And so on. The tree went on a wall in the front lobby and parents were encouraged to take an apple; get the item; attach the apple to the unwrapped item and place the labeled item in a box under the tree by a certain date. Then the counselor distributed the items to the kids privately, not in front of other kids during school. Only she knew who these specific kids were; the givers didn't.

Is your school so small that this idea wouldn't work because everyone would just know who the individual kids were, even if there were no names on anything? Or are there relatively few families in that kind of need at the school, so this would be identifiable? One way to work around that would be to say that donations will go to a larger charity outside school such as Toys for Tots or the Salvation Army; then the counselor (or a parent leader or a teacher) could include items for kids at the school among a much larger set of "apple" requests for toys or coats etc. for outside needs.

Alternatively, can you find out her birthday? If it's close, get her the lunchbox and say it's her birthday gift. Or a belated one if her birthday was a short while back.

I totally agree with the suggestion below that you talk to the girl's teacher and/or the pastor or whatever official person is in the know about the family's situation. And yes, including the brother would be great. You may be able to donate things to the teacher or pastor and those folks would get them to the kids.

This may be an opportunity for you to start a program at school that helps fill needs for the kids who lack decent coats, gloves, sweaters, or who have no lunchboxes at all....It sounds like you may be being given a nudge to go larger with this and start something bigger at your school.

Please consider speaking directly to the Dad or follow OnePerfect One's advice. It is respectful to speak adult to adult. It is ok to acknowledge that you are blessed and that you are by nature, a sharer. It is respectful to let him decide whether he wants his family to receive or not. Please do not do anything anonymously. This, however well-meant, diminishes the father's pride. It can be embarrassing to look around and wonder who feels so badly for you that they can't even look you in the eye to offer help.

I think that seeing a need and filling a need is appropriate, and you might talk to the teacher about how to give this lunchbox to the child and if she knows if the brother has a particular need or wish. When my parents were newly split, my mom was struggling and my teachers knew it. One of them bought me some school supplies and simply left them in my desk. I was so grateful. You might also find out from the teacher if ongoing gifts would make the father feel embarrassed or not.

One thing I do suggest is not to start treating her like "that poor kid". We struggled a LOT, but there were always those that struggled more and all I really wanted was to be accepted by my peers. Her dad is working, and trying and she is proud of his hard work. Please be careful not to take away the pride she has. She doesn't need to feel early shame in her situation.

He may or may not have a drug problem. He might instead have no money for dental care and bad teeth. I would not judge him on this. I have a friend who doesn't even have dentures because he can't afford them.

What a completely selfless gesture! This warms my heart! If it were me, I would just straight up ask the dad if you can help. :) I am sure given his circumstances he wouldn't mind. He would probably be more appreciative of the fact that you asked him first instead of just doing it! You are such a wonderful person for doing that!

You're so sweet. I can totally see wanting to buy things for this little girl. I like the idea about telling the dad your daughter had the extra lunch box. It's frustrating in a way not knowing if he'd get offended if you give to much. But to be safe, sounds like people have experience doing this through the church. I'd just be careful not to do it too soon after the lunch box. If you do that and then all of a sudden anonymous gift cards start arriving, he may know it's you. So give her the lunch box asap so then in several weeks you can give a big gift. :)

Go ahead and buy the lunch box. Then tell the dad that your child got it as a gift but since you already have 1 you don't need it. The anonymous gift card idea is great. Some place like walmart or target where he can use it for food or clothes is wonderful.