How to Give a Friend Some $ Without Her Knowing

Lots of good ideas below. What a selfless thing to do! You are a great friend. It's kinda sad that we have to be sneaky just to do something nice. Does she have any presents on layaway?? That would be an easy thing to pay off without her knowing.

I would truly rather have a mastercard or visa that is pre-paid. Please just give it to her. She'll worry herself sick wondering who it came from and if she's being stalked, who would know her personal information and if her family is at risk.

Tell her you love her and want to share this money you got with her. It's her Christmas from you to her.

I've done that before (not with that amount of money, but a few hundred). I got a visa gift card and sent in in a Christmas card. I wrote a note about everything I admired about the person and how I wanted to help her out over the holiday season. Just didn't sign the card.

What if you invite her over for coffee and ask "What would you do with $1,500 if you had it?" Then listen. If she says pay what she owes on her credit card, tell her that you want to help her do that. Call the number on the back of the card you write the check to the company and mail it. If she says buy special presents for the kids, tell her you want to take her on a Christmas shopping spree, which is fun to do together. If it is buy a new washing machine, go to Sears or ABC Warehouse together. If it is to buy a tree, go together. Make simple decorations for the tree. Make it fun to do together. It'll feel more like a gift that way.

Perhaps you do this in stages. Day one: Listen. Day two: Invite her over with a card where you explain your gift. Day three: Go do it together.

I wouldn't put it on a Visa card--too limiting. I wouldn't do it anonymously. I like the pay-it-forward idea.

Let us know how it works out. Best wishes.

You are an AWESOME friend for doing this!!

What would I do? What was done to me when my husband was unemployed and it was Christmas - we had money - but really, not enough to have a "big" Christmas.

My girlfriend took me shopping to Target - we have known each other for 17 years and we go out basically every Friday night. We have a close relationship. Any way - we did our typical shopping - I was pushing the cart and she was asking questions about food, toys, etc. because I had NO CLUE what she was doing - I was honest about what we had purchased for the boys (not a lot) and what we were going to have for a meal (again VERY simple)...she bought us a ham and all the fixings....and stocking stuffers and toys for the boys. I really wasn't paying attention because we shop every year together and she buys a lot for her family - she separated stuff out on the belt and told the cashier to put this separate...I cried...tears of gratefulness, but cried.

I would NOT lie to her about it. If you want to help her, but anonymously? Go to her church, tell the priest/pastor/rabbi what you want to do. Then ask for his help and give him the gift card or check for HER - dedicated to her and her family.

If you want to tell her you "found" it. While it's somewhat of a 'white lie' - it would be very nice for you to share with your friend!

Please know that the most important gift you can share with your friend is your respect for her. Anonymous gifts solve one problem, but cause another, as for many, the dignity of th receiver might be hurt. At least this is the way my Mom explained her receipt of anonymous help during the depression.

She taught me to:
1. Offer a specific gift or amount, as what you would like to do for a friend you love. Not a lot of chat about how you have the money. Just, you would very much like to give this gift to her, with love.
2. Ask her permission. Would you please accept this gift?
3. Listen and respect her answer.
4. If she chooses to accept, thank her for letting you share, and suggest that this may be the start of something nice. In the future, when she is able, she may choose to offer help to another Mom.
5. If she chooses not to accept, thank her for letting you offer it. Let her know you understand. (This is sooooo hard, but necessary to retaining a friendship.)

All my best. You are a gem and so is your husband!

This is a lot of money.
For that reason alone (even though the anonymous angle IS enticing), I would get the cash, and give it to her in a straightforward, loving way.

"Jane, you could use a little grace and mercy right now. I know you've been struggling. We are in a position to help a bit. We've come into a windfall of sorts, and Jim and I agree, we want you to take this and use this money in the best way YOU see fit for your family. No strings, no repayment...this is YOURS. We love you and your kids, and we hope this helps. Please do us the favor of accepting this gift!"

i think you are wise to realize that this sort of thing can skew a relationship from delight among equals to patron/patronized and create discomfort. i've had that happen too.
but unless you are able to actually do something like pay off her credit card as some have suggested, i think you should be forthright about it, and here's why. almost any anonymous gift is going to create a sense of anxiety- this is a lifeline, but if i don't know where it's coming from, how can i decide if it will create expectations or ramifications that i don't want to incur? what are the strings? who is watching me? how much do they know about me?
i think your heart is totally in the right place, but i think the rebound repercussions will be worse than your current worries. she's your best friend. trust that friendship.
'annabella, i want you to shut up and let me talk without interrupting me, all the way to the end. because i know you and know you are going to kick back on this, but this is something very, very important to me, and because you love me, i want you to come with me on it. i know you're having a hard time right now, and i know YOU know that i've had a windfall. and just as i know you would help me out if our positions were reversed, matthew and i want to help you out now, and because of our coming into money, it won't even stress us a little bit. i've got $1500 here for you to have some spending money for christmas for your kids, whom i love like my own, and to help out with some bills. this is not a loan. when things get better, you can pay it forward if you want, but this is my gift to you because i love you, and i can. please don't be a cow about it.'
and hug her.
you are a good egg, miss H..
khairete
S.

Hmmmm.....
My very best friend and I have been friends for about 12 years. We love and respect each other and she is amazing.
We have each helped each other out financially throughout the years when we have seen the other struggle.
I remember a few years ago having a bill shut off and my girl went to the bank, called me up, and told me she was depositing money in my account. No questions. No iff ands or butts.
Because she loves me.
I have done the same for her.
Don't do it annonymously. Take her to dinner, make her dinner, go out for a walk, whatever you want and say, "Sarah. You are my best friend and I love you. YOu are amazing and strong and your kids are lucky to have you. I see you struggling right now and "John" and I have talked about it and we are going to share some funds with you. You never have to pay this back, it is not a loan. It's for you. To buy yourself and your kids some gifts for Christmas, a tree, dinner. Whatever! I want to help and you are my best friend! So, here ya go. No givebacksies."
Or something along those lines.
If you still want to do it anonymously, then just send a gift card to her.
You are a good friend!
L.

I wouldn't give her a gift card of any kind. It's too limiting.

Just be honest with her. Tell her you want to help her for the holidays, if she says no accept her answer. If she limits your help to just a tree and gifts for the kids accept it. You could take her shopping, let her pick things out then you pay for them. If she will only accept $100 in help let her keep her dignity.

If you really want to help her ---- Call IRS CID (criminal investigative division) and tell them how her ex is hiding money. They can do a lifestyle audit on him. If he's not reporting it to the courts he is probably not reporting it on his taxes. A lifestyle audit is where they go through his bank records, bills etc and for instance he is spending $1000 a month but claiming $800 in income. The IRS will want to know where that extra money is coming from.

Find a third person. Have that person give her the money. Perhaps cash so that she can spend it in a way that best fits her needs. Have the third person explain that the money is from someone who cares but that that person wishes to remain unknown. Not very interesting, but it should get the job done.

This is a tough one, as you can see by the varying replies below.

Does she go to a church? Is it possible maybe to go to her pastor or priest or rabbi and enlist her or his help with this? Many houses of worship have "benevolent funds" they use to give money to members or to perfect strangers who ask for help. I know that in the past, people in our church have gone to the pastor, and said just what you say here -- I want to give money anonymously to this person I know is in need. Then the pastor would take the money, contact the person, and say that a friend has donated money to the benevolent fund specifically earmarked for her and her kids, and wishes to remain anonymous.

That takes out the "Ick, it's stalkerish" factor that I do agree is present if you just mail her a card or stick cash into her wallet.

There is the chance she might refuse it and insist that the church keep it for church needs, especially if she is proud and feels that anonymous help is charity that she doesn't want to receive. If the pastor is a good one, he or she will be able to talk her into taking that money graciously and will not accept it for anything else at church.

That's just what occured to me. If your friend is not involved in a religious organization, or you don't feel secure about having a pastor involved like that, I would just come out and be open with her rather than anonymous. One important thing, if you do that: Be crystal clear that it's a gift and you never want her even to think of repaying it. Even if you say it's a gift she may be embarrassed by the large amount (a $1,500 gift is huge) and might try to repay you later anyway.

You know her personality best-- if she is the type who would feel she and you were both "saving face" by pretending that you "won this gift card" and are re-gifting it to her....Then that could work. I have friends who would see right through that instantly but also would say nothing and take the card if they were in need. I have other friends who would say, "Hey, why aren't you telling me the truth here? I know you didn't win this and I can't accept your charity" and it would turn into a struggle to give them money or a card despite the giver's good intentions. Think hard about your friend's personality and whether anonymous giving, or a fib about a found or won gift card, would be OK with her even if she sees through it, or whether it would just be best to be straightforward.

If she will just let you pay specific bills for her that might be easier on her own peace of mind that one big cash gift aimed at helping with Christmas She may feel (but not say she feels) hurt a bit that others know she can't provide much for her kids at the holidays, but might be more open to the cold business side of things like letting someone pay one month''s power bill as a gift to the whole family. Just something to consider as you think about her personality and the best way to give her something while maintaining your friendship. You are right --money, even as a gift with no strings, can alter things.

Also consider giving her maybe half or a third of the amount directly now and the rest at another time, in case she would find $1,500 to create a kind of pressure on her -- she might feel freaked at that high amount for a gift. Don't even casually mention "this is to help with the kids' holidays" etc. or she may feel she has to spend at least some of it that way when she may have greater needs you don't know about.

You are very generous and thoughtful and so is your husband for backing you up. I hope you update us on what you do and how it goes. Personally I'd go with the direct route, ask her whether she wants cash or a deposit into her checking account, and no commentary on what her needs might be.

I understand how you feel about being afraid it will change your relationship....

Can you some how tell her to pass it on to someone else when she has the chance, if she feels that she needs to "repay" you?

Tell her you have been blessed this year, and want to share the blessings..... and when she can, she can share the blessing with someone else, that way it keeps going!

I agree with the last poster, a card is too limiting. I would just take her out for lunch or dinner or meet at a park or something and put the money in a card to use on whatever she sees best. And tell her it's an early Christmas gift and that because you have been blessed you'd like to extend the blessing to her. Something you will probably not get the chance to do again.

It may feel strange to her at first, but she being your best friend, ought to be able to see your love and kindness as something real and good and well meaning without strings. In her heart she ought to be thankful and glad. Although will probably feel that no words could actually express this gratitude. I have been given a large amount of money and it did feel strange and yet magical at the same time. It was a true God send and I was ever so thankful and yet no words could say my true sentiments. But of course thank you and saying my heart felt thoughts was all I could truly say.

If you do it the other ways it seems too risky and kind of hoax-y and it may cause problems.

Kudos to you dear.

http://christianpf.com/how-to-anonymously-give-someone-mo...

Western Union is a well known trusted company.
I'd ask their advice about this.

That's so sweet. Do you know if she has a credit card? If so, could you get the info and mail the check to either pay off debt or give her a big credit balance?...

I recently gave $2000 to my best friend. She's not the type to ever accept it. She's worked hard her entire life. Over 25 years in her field including very high paying positions. No spouse. No family help. Barely a sick day that I can remember. She shows horses and has many high cost animals she has raised and trained over the years who are "her family". Two years ago her company down-sized and she was let go. She gets unemployment, and she got a severance, but she had to move herself and her animals back to Los Angeles from Colorado where she had the job. She didn't ask anyone for money. She never would. But I could tell she was in trouble. BTW, I'm not rich! I'm always saving and budgeting. I could easily justify that I can't afford it. There are many charities I care about that I do not give to due to unstable finances, and I had to dig into sacred savings. But a true friend in need is a very important cause. She doesn't have anyone else.

In the past she has been generous with me when she earned more than I did, like paying more for rent when we were roommates, paying more than half for some expenses that were her idea, etc. Overall, I felt I could justify that I could kind of "owed her" but of course she didn't think so. She's super stoic and never asks for help. Anyway, she had let it slip how much it was to move her horse etc...and I sent her a check.

She almost refused it, but we did the, "Well, just deposit it, and only use it if you need it" thing....and she said "I'll pay it back one day" and I said, "Nuh uh, well whatever, sure..." And of course she doesn't have to, but she just might knowing her...

Anyway, she's still unemployed, has had numerous heartbreaking near misses for jobs, and I offered to give her a bit more which she absolutely refused...but I know she needed and appreciated that other money.

That's what friends are for.

Just give it to her and don't let her refuse. Tell her
you'll be offended if she doesn't take it. You don't want it back and you don't want any weirdness.
If she rips it up, then she'll still appreciate the gesture.

Don't do it anonymously. It's dishonest. You care about her and you're helping her.

how sweet of you to do this.

I would not do it anonymously. You don't want her thinking she has some creep following her or something like that.

Go to her. Tell her you love her, respect her and know she's in need of you paying it forward. That's what you are doing, paying it forward. You are not keeping score. You are not asking for anything in return. You have received good fortune and you have decided to pass it on.

Give her a cashier's check for $1,500 to use how she needs to use it. Or take her shopping.

Please don't lie to her. Don't tell her you found or won it. If she finds out otherwise? She will be hurt. I know I would be.

This is really sweet of you to do!!

When you wrote 'scheme from I Love Lucy' I started cracking up.

I wish I could give you a good idea. You are right that she might find it unsettling that a customer has her address. Also, I would get worried that the gift card (or whatever you provide) would get lost in the mail with no return address.

I know Target has a $500 or $5000 winner if you fill out an online survey. Most recipes will list the detail.

I do not know the amount you are giving her but here are some suggestions:
1) Buy a visa/mastercard gift card $$$ that you are thinking of giving her and send it by mail no return address
2) If it is cash you can put the $$$ on her wallet when she is not looking
3) If she has a checking account you can deposit the $$$$ in cash into her account and she won't know who deposit money into her account
Hope this helps good luck

Buy a postal money order and slip it under her door.

I found out someone at church was having a hard time. She's young, on her own, no family to help. So I called our church secretary, asked her to contact her to find out how much she needed and she did. I went and got cash, put it in a cute Hello Kitty (her favorite) adult sippy cup (whatever they're called) and left it at the church office for her to pick up. Since you know where she works, I would contact her boss and tell him/her what you want to do and ask if you can have him/her give it to her. I would give CASH in a card. That way it's still anonymous without it being weird. Her boss can just say "a good friend wanted you to have this." I would not want her locked into a specific gift card but would want her to freely use it as she needed so I would do cash for sure. Good luck.

You've got some great answers. Just wanted to add that if she is in court regarding money with her ex, then definitely do the gift cards, because extra money in her account could be counted against her in court.

Any chance you have ever deposited a check from her? Get the account and routing number off the electronic copy of the check via your online checking account and wire transfer the money directly from your account into hers. She'll see it's from you, and she won't be able to put it back. ;-) Then tell her honestly that you came into some money and want to give her the gift of financial security. Encourage her to do with it as she pleases. Pay off an outstanding bill, buy Christmas dinner, whatever.

What about paying her rent and/or utilities for her and let her use her funds for her kids' Christmas?

I wouldn't send anything to her work and say it's from a customer - that can sound a little like a stalker and it may be something she feels she has to report to her employer.

I think a combination of gift cards to supermarkets and stores make the most sense. They wouldn't be limiting with all her eggs in one basket - she could use some for food, some for gas, and some for gifts, and there are generic Visa cards you can buy and use anywhere (check for fees though). Maybe you can say it's from a "Secret Santa" or one of those "pay it forward" things where she can do something nice for someone when she is able. The only other option is a legitimate charity that helps families in need at the holidays. It doesn't solve the problem of it making her nervous that someone knows her address. If you know her lawyer's name, you could ask if there is a way you can help that will not jeopardize her financial situation with her ex. Gift cards are the only way I can think of, other than giving her cash. Nothing should go into her bank account that can be traced or seen by him when she reports her financial info.

I think the idea of paying off a credit card is nice but it means you have to have the account info, she'll have a way of finding out (because she'll want to know who has her info), and also her ex may have access to that info.

Don't tell her you found the card - they all have serial numbers and often can be traced. Winning it is possible I suppose but she may still feel obligated to you and have it change your relationship.

Good luck - it's hard to advise you without knowing the personalities involved.