Play Date/sleep over with Shared Friend for 1 Sister Only

My kids are so close in age that we have similar issues. They each have thier own friends and interests and even though my daughter wants to tag along with her big brother and thinks of his friends as her friends, well...they just aren't. They aren't a "package deal." They all play together sometimes, but, sometimes he and his friends dont want little sis tagging along. It's not fair to him to not be able to individuate from her. He gets to have his own identity away from her. When that comes up, I let my son go be with his friends and I plan something alone with my girl. She is usually momentarily disapointed, but when she realizes we are going to have time alone with no brother, she starts to get excited. Sometimes she gets to go on a daddy daughter date and they go to Sonic for slushies or I do her hair and nails and we do super girly stuff. It's fun and important for them to spend time away from each other.

I'm with Sheila & Sarah, it's all just part of growing up & life in general to be honest. My kids are only 17 months apart, older brother, younger sister. Some of their friends are the same, most are not. Everywhere my son goes my daughter WANTS to go too, but sometimes she's not old enough, wasn't invited, or whatever. She gets mad, feels left out & rejected. Those are all understandable & natural feelings, but not valid reasons for her brother to not be able to go somewhere or do something. I mean, they ARE different people after all.

Try to look at it like this: when your oldest goes to prom, your youngest won't be going because they're 2 years apart. She will likely not be happy about it, but that's really just tough, and what are you going to do, not let your oldest go since the youngest won't be able to? See how silly that sounds??

Welcome to life. You can't alienate the older girls and say "nope if you can't include "x" then it's not happening." You should just be happy that they even want to include her as much as they do. Encourage your youngest to find someone her age to have sleep overs with when the older girls need some big girl time. It'll be beneficial for her to learn this lesson young too, the other mom is right, let the older girls have fun, sure younger daughter will be left out but it's just the first in a long long long long line to come. Good luck.

Did you already tell your older daughter that she can't go? You have been lucky so far that there hasn't been jealousy about water parks, pizza places, etc. This is one unfortunate part of life: it isn't fair. No matter how rejected your daughter is feeling she is going to have to learn to deal with situations like this. Like I said luck has followed you so far, but all too often it starts earlier when there are two children and either you say across the board that no one ever in their life goes on an overnighter or you let them work out their feelings of rejection. While the older daughter is in the primary invitee spot today it may be one day when the other one is there. Since it is rejection and not jealousy, I would let the older one girl and you spend some extra wonderful time with your other daughter. Even if you didn't know these people as well as you do it could have come up with a different situation one day. There are six children alive in my family and we experienced a lot of this growing up and I want to say I truly believe it makes you stronger. It helps when you are dealing with rejection such as auditions, job interviews, play tryouts, etc. We get some - we don't get some. Good luck. I know it's hard. I have two sons and we still deal with this every now and then.

I agree with Sheila. This is just part of life and while I understand your younger daughter feeling rejected, not allowing you older one to go does not change the rejection, it just punishes your older daughter. While 7 and 9 are close in age, they are also quite different. By 9 years old girls are starting to talk about boys and getting close to puberty and your older daughter should be allowed to have time with a friend her age. Could your younger daughter invite one of her friends to sleep over the same night? Or maybe you could take her out to a movie, just the two of you or go get pedicures or something.

You are being unfair to your older daughter by not letting her foster this friendship. Unfortunately, your younger daughter will just need to deal with it. Your coddling her is not helping her grow and mature and understand things won't always go her way as she will want them too. This is a time your guidance is needed in teaching life is not always fair.

And your being defensive about it doesn't help either. If you only wanted response to agree with you - then you are using this forum in the wrong way.

Hi EE

How does your OLDER daughter feel? You only talk about how your younger daughter feels in your post. And I completely understand your instinct to protect your younger daughter. But have you had a conversation with your older daughter where you REALLY listen to what she wants? (I say really listen because at 9 if she thinks the RIGHT answer is that she wants to go with her younger sister that's what she will tell you, regardless of how she feels just due to mommy-influence).

I would ask her - would you like this opportunity for one-on-one time with your friend?

I would not deny or punish your older daughter any opportunity just to shelter your younger daughter. That sets up a family dynamic of the older daugher being responsible for the younger daughters feelings which is going to breed resentment.

This is a great time to really consider how you will handle things like dating, driving, etc since they are close in age (and apparently get along and WANT to do things together, which is really nice - my sister and I did not have that relationship) but your older daughter will do these things first - as she should.

I can also tell you from the other side...... if my daughter was wanting to shift the friendship to just the older girl (which truly is age-appropriate at this age and will now be until they are both in college, when 2 years again will be nothing) and the other parent wouldn't allow it and made it a package deal for EVERY SINGLE interaction - I probably wouldn't be friends with that family as much. Because I would want my daughter to be free to establish friendships with people on her own. You will be naturally growing apart from that family who places a higher value on independence than on family togetherness. It's all about what you each place as most important. That may be the choice you make. You may feel that family togetherness and NOT being excluded is more important than your girls learning how to handle rejection without it being personal (or at least delay it until they are older, because at some point it's bound to happen again). That's not wrong for either of you - it just may impact your relationship with this other family. Even if up until now you have been the best of friends.

I'd love to know what you end up doing - this is a hard one.

So nice that you have this great family relationship with each other! Reasons behind the invite for only your older daughter may be simply that they feel comfortable with just one for an overnight playdate at this time, or that their own youngest one won't even be home that evening, or maybe they feel unable to have both over at the same time for other reasons. Seems like a great chance to spend a special evening with your younger daughter, doing something special together. And yes, it is time to start introducing this type of separation between the two girls, as the older they get, the more often only one or the other will be invited to sleepovers or playdates with friends from school. Perhaps your youngest daughter doesn't see this as merely a playdate for her sister, but instead, might feel a personal type of rejection or worry that her sister will no longer be her constant companion, or that the friend's family favors your older daughter. You can help her through these feelings with positive reinforcement of her own importance and keeping it upbeat and geared to her level of understanding should be of great help to her. She probably just wants to feel as special as she thinks her sister is. You will let her know she sure is just as special!

If your two daughters share a lot of the same friends, you're probably going to find this happening over and over again. Unfortunately, feeling rejection is one of the hard truths of growing up (and I know it's very painful for a parent to watch a child go through it). I just don't think you can continually protect your daughter from feeling rejected, plus it seems unfair to deny the older one special time to spend with her best friend. Since the mom expressed to you that she feels the two older girls should have alone time, I'm guessing that her daughter expressed this desire, possibly even requesting it specifically. Sometimes the older kids just want to have their time alone together, particularly in the case of two best friends. Denying them their time together could possibly even generate feelings of ill-will from the older girls toward your younger daughter.

Could you maybe let your older daughter have her sleep-over and make a special evening of it with you and your younger girl? Maybe a fun dinner out or movie night or "girls night" complete with home pedicures and facials? Get your younger daughter involved with the planning or ask her what she'd like to do best (within reason, of course!).

It just seems to me that as kids get older, they need to separate a little more, and there are always going to be times when one is invited and the other is not. Might as well work on creating some resiliency and healthy independence from each other now. And I know it's hard to see your child feeling rejected --I've been there --but walking them through the process rather than trying to protect them from it helps them grow and learn how to deal with one of the inevitable things in life.

I also have 2 girls, 11 and 9 who also enjoy much in common including some neighbor friends. I have seen hurt in both of them when one has a friend available to play with or is invited someplace the other isn't, but they have to deal with that. It is a part of life. They are not the same person. It is hard to see one of your babies feel left out. But they are watching your reaction. Offer too much sympathy and fixing, and they will feel more and more slighted each time this happens. You managed to re-arrange this one to get your younger daughter included, but you won't be able to do that all the time. What may happen, is next time your daughter's friend gets to have a sleepover, she won't want to ask your daughter because it didn't work out for them to have their one-on-one sleepover this time. Not that everyone shouldn't have a wide circle of friends, but your interfering with this kind of invitiation may in fact be harming your older daughter's friendships in the long run. If you notice your younger feeling sad, lend a listening ear, and help her reach out to invite one of her other friends for a sleepover that evening or do something else fun instead. Show her SHE has the power to take action and seek other friends when she feels left out of something her sister is doing. I really think you should have let the older girl go and sleep over. I agree with the other girl's Mom too.

I've read all your updates. I personally think you should let your older one go without the younger one. I understand that the younger one will feel bad that she's excluded, but how will the older one feel if she can't go at all because the younger one isn't coming? Either way, there will be upset feelings. At least with the older one going, it wasn't your doing. It's up to your friends to invite whomever they wish.

I get that it is problematic with *this* particular family, but does that mean that your oldest will never get to do something by herself with them? From their perspective, I can understand why the mother would want to do something for just her middle child. I imagine that it's hard to carve out special moments for just one kid and especially the middle one who happens to also not be the only boy.

We actually have a very similar situation tonight at our house, although the kids involved are much younger and the situation is reversed. Our friends have two boys that are 5 and 3, and they have been friends with my children all their lives. The older one is just three months older than my son, and he will be coming over to have a sleepover with my son tonight. The younger one will stay home, primarily because his mother doesn't think he can handle an overnight without her. The younger one is very unhappy he can't come. My friend said that they are going to do something special tonight for just him because he won't be able to join his brother.

From my perspective, I have to say that, although I really wouldn't have minded the younger one coming, it's kind of nice for my son to be able to play one on one with the older one. The two brothers are so often a package deal. The dynamic of 3 kids instead of 2 can sometimes be difficult, because someone is always being picked on. As the host parent, it will be a lot easier to manage just the older boys.

It's sad for your littler girl, but I'd say just try to do something special with her. Focus on what she gets by staying home (alone time with you) rather than what she is missing.

I read your update.

My parents wanted my brother and I to do everything together. (2.5 years apart) If I was invited to a birthday party and he coudn't go, then I wasn't allowed to go. This turned my brother and I into enemies, not friendly brothers.

It didn't make any difference to my parents if the one inviting us was going to take us someplace by car and only had one seat available. If my brother couldn't go, I couldn't go. I just quit asking. If I got a birthday invitation or other party invitation and my brother wasn't invited, I'd just say I couldn't go. I never went to a single party after I turned 11 or 12.

Don't turn your girls into enemies. Let the one invited go alone. I know they go other places alone. I read your update.

Good luck to you and yours.