Younger Sibling Wants in on Her Sister's Playdates

Updated on April 30, 2008
R.B. asks from Kensington, MD
17 answers

I have 2 daughters, ages 7 and 4. I am seeking advice on how to balance my older child's desire to have her friend(s) to herself during a playdate/sleepover, and my younger child's desire to be included in their play. I've done the dual playdates and that works well, but I can't always do that. I've taken the younger one to the park or something for a while during the playdate. But the younger one isn't old enough to have guests sleep over, so the sleepover is always a problem. Often my older child and her friend end up being mean to the younger one. I want her to be respectful of her little sister's feelings. I want to be respectful to both girls' feelings. I am an only child so I have no experiences from my own childhood to draw on. Any ground rules you set or strategies you use would be appreciated. Thanks!

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So What Happened?

Wow! Thank you all for your help! I have some new strategies to try. That's just what I needed. I really appreciate all the thoughtful responses.

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L.C.

answers from Washington DC on

I grew up in a house full of kids, I'm one of five, oldest daughter, and have a sister whose eight years younger. She always wanted to be a part of my "fun", but either my mom or dad would take my sister on an outting(for one on one)time, or have a "special" craft to do with her, as I played with my friend. Like baking cookies from scratch or watercoloringor fingerpainting. Something to distract, but also to give her the attention she craved. Those things could also be "shared" by all so that they "Learn" to interact and get along(somewhat). Children are sponges and they soak up everything, much of their behavior is learned. So as a parent, "create" activities for all to join in on, or make it specific to the child who feels "leftout"...Good luck

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D.M.

answers from Norfolk on

Hi! I have recently discovered that the best way is to have a compatible friend for my younger boy to play with. If you feel they are too young for sleepovers, have them over for a while.

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T.C.

answers from Norfolk on

I have children who are 13 months apart - a boy and a girl. They have different friends and are just now starting to push each other away when a friend is over. The way I am starting to do it is to ask my child who has the friend over to spend a small amount of time with their sibling - give a definite time limit. That way, both children will know that they are getting some of what they want. The older child knows that the time with her sister will end and that she'll have the sleep over part to herself and the younger child will get some of the time with her sister and her friend, but she also has to realize that her sister is older and their interests are different. It is just a part of life and I don't think its fair to push the older one into spending too much time with her younger sister when she has a friend over. I know you don't want your daughter's feelings to be hurt so I would just explain it the best I can. It is something she will need to get used to as they grow up. There will be times in their lives when their age difference is a BIG difference and then other times when it seems like nothing at all - like when one is in HS and the other in middle...BIG difference. Like you said, you can't always have a friend over for each of them so I would just offer your younger daughter some different crafts or activities to do before and after her scheduled time playing with her sister.

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C.H.

answers from Washington DC on

I have a 6 1/2 yr. old girl, 4 1/2 yr. old boy, and 1 yr. old boy. The rule in our home has always been that at our house we all play together. No one is excluded and we use kind words and treat eachother how we would want to be treated. When my daughter had a sleep over, my son was allowed to play with the girls. When they went to do girly things, my husband took him to play on the computer or play games with him while I organized the party. If it's just one girl sleeping over, I don't allow him to join in. If there are a bunch, they all sleep in sleeping bags in the family room.

The bottom line is that we're a family and family comes first. Their friends fit into our family and don't get to shut us out in our own home. So far, all of the kids have adjusted to this just fine and our playdates are typically a ton of fun with everyone playing and learning how to get along.

Good luck! This is a tough one.

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M.F.

answers from Washington DC on

R., this is a tricky one, to be sure. I am the oldest of 3 children. My brother, a year younger, was not very interested in playing with me when my friends were over (our activities were usually too girly, I suppose), though I often played with him and his friends. There wasn't any conflict, either way. My younger sister, however, always wanted to be included when I had friends over, and I found that undesirable.

My mother respected my feelings and rarely permitted her to do so, and I am grateful and impressed with her wisdom to this day (she was an only child, so she was flying blind on this one).

Her reasoning was that each child is entitled to separate and unique relationships with her/his friends. Seven-year-olds have plenty to learn about building relationships with their peers -- without adding the burden of incorporating a toddler into the mix (as you know there is a WORLD of difference between 4 and 7). So, it is not only stressful for the oldest, it inevitably dumbs down the games and activities, and deprives the older one of the "specialness" of her playdate.

Each child in the birth order has different issues and needs and perpectives. When you tell an oldest child that you are having another baby -- well, it's very much as if your husband told you that he's getting another wife (oh, but he'll love you just as much, and you'll see, it's going to be great! now go give her a kiss! and please take her shopping with you, she's bored!).

Of course you want to encourage her to play with her little sister, but when your daughter is entertaining is not the right time for this. Remember that she did not choose to have younger siblings. That was your choice. And it is your responsiblity to entertain the younger one when the oldest has company.

I love the shrinky-dinks idea, the pretty-in-pink party, etc(you've gotten some great suggestions)! Make the little one feel special, and give her some one-on-one time with YOU (something she'll probably appreciate far more than playing her sister and friend). Or, if you're too busy, get her a special activity she can do alone (a craft activity, a special video, some stickers...) Conversely, some activities are perfect for all to play...for instance, if it's summer, just turn on the sprinkler and let them run through it, etc.

I know you are concerned about the youngest feeling neglected, but please keep in mind that the older child has just as much right to feel neglected if you deprive her of quality time with her friends.

And, remember, as they get older, 3 years difference won't mean anything -- they'll likely become great friends. The last thing you want to do is build a foundation of resentment. best luck -- birth order issues are so tricky!

p.s. Oh, and as far as the sleepover goes, don't feel badly amount reminding the younger one that she'll be able to do this too, when she older...younger children end up with just as many perks, which the older ones will gripe about JUST as much -- i.e. the older ones "break in" their parents for them, and the younger ones usually get to stay up later and do all kinds of things at younger ages, etc. It all evens out in the end somehow.

p.p.s. If the youngest feels truly left out and sad about this dynamic over time, offer to take her to something special that the oldest is "too cool" for -- something like, "Blues Clues" on stage, a puppet show, or whatever is "in" with the tots these days. Let her choose and direct the activity, whether it's with the whole family or just her and a friend. Kick her a perk.

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R.B.

answers from Washington DC on

I am a mother of two and have provided child care for the past 7 years. I have found in this case it makes it easier to have an activity or two throughout the evening that includes all of the children so that when there is time alone it is less painful for the younger child. They could play a game dress up, movie etc. Also with my daughter who is 4 (older brother 9) we have a pretty in pink party. We paint nails, make a dessert, watch a special movie together. It really helps.

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B.M.

answers from Washington DC on

You may want to read "Siblings Without Rivalry" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. I only have one boy so I haven't read "Siblings," but I have found their other parenting books to be VERY helpful and the authors are very big on respecting kids. You can check out reviews on amazon.com. Good luck.

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S.E.

answers from Lynchburg on

Sounds like you are doing a great job trying to balance what you can!! KUDOS! My sister and I were a year apart and she normally was allowed to have friends over much more often than myself. There's no perfect solution, but you are off to a great start in trying to have some activities that all can enjoy and then making special moments for your younger one so the older sister is able to spend time with her friend.

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M.C.

answers from Washington DC on

Hi R.,
For the sleepovers, try setting a time limit on the 4 year old. From 4 - 6pm, she gets to be part of the fun and your older daughter and friends need to be nice to her. After dinner is big kid time and the little one leaves them alone. That way she gets to participate and they get time away from her.
M.

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J.S.

answers from Washington DC on

Sounds like you're working hard at this, nice job. Being the oldest I want to advocate for how important it is to have time along with friends. My younger sisters tended to get more "attention" because they were younger so my friends being around was a way for me to have fun too.

I like the suggestion of an all family activity- popcorn and a movie, a walk in the woods, playing soccer and giving your daughter time with her friends later in the night. I'd also let your older daughter know the plan ahead of time and the expectation around her willingness to engage with her younger sister during the whole group time being the predictor for future play dates.

Keep up the thoughtful parenting!
J

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T.H.

answers from Washington DC on

We also have girls ages 7 and 4 and have the same issues as you. Last week I had a "pretend" sleepover for the younger one with a friend. They were in pajamas, ate popcorn and watched a movie in the dark, played mermaid in their pillowcases, etc. Then at 9pm the mom picked up the other little girl right as mine was starting to reach her limits of staying up. She was really happy with the pretend sleepover and so was her little friend.
T.

D.S.

answers from Allentown on

Hi R.,

Here are some parenting resources:

Hampton Roads Parenting Education Network (HRPN)

www,chkd.org/hrpen

Old Dominion University Child Study center

www.dl.odu/101s

Kids Priority One

www.kidspriorityone.org

Hope these help. D.

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K.S.

answers from Richmond on

I am the younger daughter with an older sister who is three years older. I remember those conflicts so well. It is h*** o* the older one who wants her privacy but the younger one looks up to the older one so much it does hurt your feelings. My mother used to put together an activity that she knew would interst my older sister but that would be limited to me. For example she would buy Shrinky Dinks (remember those?) which we both loved but only I would get to do the activity while my sister played with her friend. Though my sister would mildly regret not getting to do the activity (which made it even more appealing to me) she would soon forget the disappointment as she got time alone with her friends. Then when I wanted to sit up and watch a movie with them or have ice cream later it was just a small concession for my sister to make--she had gotten her alone time with her friends but the house and TV belonged to all of us so she could let me watch with them. My mom used all kinds of distractions that were just for us while my sister played--making candied apples, art projects, jewelry making, etc.

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B.B.

answers from Washington DC on

Hi R., best wishes on this issue! I have two boys, 10 and 5. Before the oldest's sleepovers, I speak with each boy separately to make sure they understand the evening. The boys and I agree that the youngest will "hang out" for a certain amount of time -- maybe an hour or two. The oldest agrees to give his brother playing time and he knows he is responsible for ensuring his friends also treat him kindly. At the end of the joint play time, I will get the youngest for a game or activity that he and I have preplanned and the oldest can be alone with his friends. This routine has gotten easier over time because the boys as well as the friends know what to expect.

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J.G.

answers from Washington DC on

R.,
My girls are 7 and 5. My oldest has a friend that comes over and plays several times during the week. I insist that they play with the younger one and so far so good. (using phrases such as "be kind", "don't leave anyone out", "everyone needs to play together")Sometimes she chooses not to play. That is working for us right now. Sleepovers were too h*** o* me (single parent 90% of the time) so we stopped having them for now. I know a point in the future my 7 year old will want nothing to do with her sister when she has friends over. I remember that from my best friend growing up. She had 2 sisters. Her mom made us play with the younger sibling and for sleepovers - they shared a room so the younger sister slept on the floor.
Ahh.....girls.....such a blessing, such drama!

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S.W.

answers from Norfolk on

Why is the younger one too young? If you know the parents, maybe mommy can come over until the little ones fall asleep. It could be a ladies night with you two also. Get the girls into doing something together like hair, nails that sort of stuff.

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J.B.

answers from Richmond on

I agree that the 7 yr old needs alone time with her friend, but doens't your 4 yr old go to bed earlier? Can't her alone time be after the youger one is in bed?

We also have a rule in our home that if you cannot be best friends with your brother (I have all boys) than you cannot be a good friend to your friend. If my older one is being mean to the younger one ("we're the big kids you can't play with us"), we firmly tell him he needs to find a way to be kind to his brother and include him or his friend will have to go home. We have been in this situation, have handled it in this way, and he always finds a way to play well with his brother. (we are not in the sleepover phase yet).

Good luck mama! Sounds like you are very thoughtful of your girls' feelings and that is wonderful!

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