Only Child - Queen Creek,AZ

I am an only child and have great memories of it. My mom and I are very close now and love to do things together. She offered me a large variety or social activites and always went along but stayed to the side unles I asked her to join in. It is a great thing.

I have 4 children and they all acted that way at that age. They are older now and that isn't a problem. If it's just you and her, she will be fine because she is a little young now. Usually, kids just need their mom's at this age. Everything else will fall into place. Good luck! You're a great mom!

Hi T.. My name is P. and I have been a Montessori pre-1 teacher for 30 years and have my M.ED. What I can tell you is what she is going through is pretty normal. It is very difficult to have other children to come into your very own environment and to be asked to share. Having said that, is there a room in your house that can be just for your play group? If so, maybe Bella can help pick out new things for that room and for the playgroup.(things that have not been previously owned by her) If expense is a consideration, go to the Goodwill with her and pick out things together, explaining that the things are for the playgroup. Another tip is to put some of her things away that she does not have to share. Consider that it would be like someone moving into your environment and sharing all of your things. Maybe find a special place for them and tell her that the playgroup will not be touching them. Hope this helps a bit and good luck. This too will pass. :o)

Hi T.,

My name is A. and I also have an only child. He is now 3 and the light of my life. It took over 5 years for us to get pregnant, so needless to say, he is a God send. I took two years off work to be at home with him, since we have decided not to have anymore children. (We are older parents). Anyway, I too decided to open my own home daycare. I had my daycare for about 1 yr. It was great for my son to socialize with other children and it was great for me to see him interact with kids his age. This was when he was 18 months until he was 2 1/2. During that time, he also had to learn to share his toys and of course mommy. From my own experience, my advice to you is to seperate her toys and to have a special place that is just hers. In my case, my sons special place was his bed room. I seperated his toys from the daycare's toys. Even at 2 years old, have her help you seperate the toys with you. This will give her power of choice as well as understanding. You'll find out that she may change her mind as the days go as to which are her toys and which are the daycare toys. Communicate with her a lot about what is happening. I also found that spending "mommy" time was great. I usually did this after the children left. This, I felt, let him understand that I am still his mommy and that he is very special to me. Again, the biggest thing is to communicate. People think that children don't understand things. I feel that the reason why children "act-up" is because they don't undertand and they need it to be explained to them. I hope this helps a little. Good luck.

A.

OMG! i thought i ws the only one. my two boys are 13 years apart. when my yougest was 14 we adopted 5 more boys al in their teens. so my boys grew up as only children. and the grandparents spoiled them so much. i put a stop to the extravagant gifts. they coudl buy them but they had to be kept at their house. my oldest was the first grandchild and was the only one until he was 7. so yea he loved going to his grandparents. we had constant battles with the grandparents because they were always trying to out do each other. skip back 31 years. i am a grandma and i see how my parents felt as grandparents. i want to give my grnadbabies EVERYTHING. and yes it does make me jealous when the other grandparents give them better gifts and its very hard not to try and out do them. but i have found that the best thing i can give them is time. my first grandchidl lives in my town and unfortunatley hsi parents arent too keen on being parents so i have him a lot. i baby sit every day during the week and it was starting to spill over onto the weekends too. but i stopped that. i see my other grandchild at least every tow weeks. they live a couple of hours away. and i have made the midnight trips when he was sick. i think at this age the kids get more out of playing and have someone give them attention than toys. with the sharing thing, i think you are doing what is right by having her get used to social situatins. another thing i did with my boys is to get them involved with sprts teams . maybe a dance class or toddler gym so that they are taught sharing and discipline form someone other than yourslef. and beign around kids in that situation willb reak the temper tantrums because the other kids dont want to play with a baby and it is in their nature to be part of a group.

Hey T. -

I don't have any advice on the aggression issue, but wanted to let you know your daughter will turn out just fine as an only child. I have an only son, who is now seven, and very intelligent and well-adjusted and very outgoing and has a lot of friends. Don't let anyone tell you that you "should" be giving your child brothers and sisters. You do what works for you. I have been able to spend so much one-on-one time with my son, he was reading by age 4 in preschool. All the teachers and children were amazed. He is very sweet and funny, and NOT "spoiled". (I hate that word). Anyway, do not worry in the least - just enjoy as much time as you can with your little one while she's still little!

Hey T.,

I'd say give it some time. Kids learn to share on their own timeline, despite what we parents may think about what we are doing or not doing to encourage it. Your daughter is very young to "learn" how to share, and doesn't necessarily need to be "socially adapted" at this tender age (although,as a SAHM, you may very well need the social interaction, I know I did!) You might want to reconsider sending her to her room for timeout, too, especially if it isn't very productive. If you're going to remove her from the social situation, I'd go with her, wait until she calms down a bit, and talk to her about why you took her there. Really, though, 2 year olds do not the best sharers make. I'd just keep an eye on her and gently correct her when you see her about to bludgeon someone. Just because she's a little aggressive now, it doesn't mean she's going to continue to be aggressive in the future. Lower your expectations for now,and don't sweat it. She'll get the hang of the sharing thing eventually. Incidentally, I am an only child and I think I'm a pretty good sharer, if I do say so myself. I never minded being an only child, growing up. You seem to be sensitive already to the challenges only children sometimes face and because of that, I'm sure Ella will be just fine!

Take Care,

Al

Does she have toys in her room? If so, her time out is just to go play some more. Maybe try making a designated time out spot where you can still see her and she doesn't have access to more toys. I've also had my almost 2 year start saying sorry before she can get out of time out. I explain to her why she's in time out, why she can't do what she did, and then she has to apologize. I also make sure it's not too long, because then she won't even remember why she has to sit still in the first place. I follow the "1 minute for each year she is" train of thought.

I strongly disagree with making your daughter share her personal toys with the daycare children. Even at her age, she knows that they are not friends or classmates; they are customers, and just as you don't want to share your personal items with the parents, she doesn't want to share her personal items with the kids. It's hard enough for her to see her Mommy give so much attention to other kids.

If you want to teach her to share her own, personal toys, she will have to share them with her own, personal friends and relatives. And even when she is among her personal friends and relatives, she should be able to reserve a few very special toys that she does not have to share (but that she doesn't play with in front of them, either.) She should also learn to understand that other children may her special toys, too.

If you want to teach her to share generic toys, as she would in a playground or classroom setting, then make sure that she shares the "daycare" toys with the daycare children. This is what a preschool teacher does -- she makes sure that all the children share the classroom toys.

Hi T., I am 41 and an only child. I never knew my dad, so only have my mom's side of the family, which as of 2000 had all passed away. So for relatives, I only have my mom left. I have a cousin who is 10 years younger than me and her 3 kids, but they live in CA and my kids have only seen hers once. I always encourage people to have at least 2 kids. Only children have it made when they are younger, but when my mom is gone, I will only have my husband and my 2 kids as relatives. It would be ok if they have cousins and other family members, but no one seems to think what happens years and years down the road. So just something to think about. Good luck!

my sister also chooses to have only her daughter - she had a difficult time getting pregnant and wants to just focus her attention on what she has - she has enrolled her daughter in a preschool as well as has her in dance classes in order to socialize her - occasionally the neighbor girl comes to play in the yard with her - having strange kids come into the home and requiring a child to share everything is a big adjustment when they have had no experience with it before - my opinion is that it will cause insecurity and resentment based on the reaction you have stated - unless you are doing it because you need the money it provides, it might be better to let your child learn to be with other kids in a more neutral place (even the park or library) - you can still supervise and participate but she should have equality with her peers and learn to deal with the world as it is instead of only as you make it - home should be a sanctuary not a place where frustration resides - good luck

The best way to teach your daughter, and any other child in your care, to get along with others is to keep her with the other children. When she is sent to her room, she gets to play alone and doesn't have to share her toys, etc. In a sense, it's like being rewarded for her aggression since the thing she is having a hard time with is being with peers.

Interacting and playing with others is hard for most toddlers (only children or not) and she's still at the beginning of this learning process. When I worked with toddlers, I spent a lot of time modeling appropriate behavior, helping them find words, and mirroring feelings to help them learn to understand their feelings. For example, a child picks up one of your daughter's favorite toys. She yells, "NO, MINE!" and has her hand up in the air about to hit the other child. If you're right there, you can catch her hand and say something like, "I know you are upset and hitting is not OK." (To Ella) and to the other child "Ryley, that is Ella's favorite toy and it wasn't supposed to be out of her room. Ella, can you ask Ryley to please give you that toy and get something else for her to play with?" Here you are demonstrating pro-social behavior by keeping her in the situation to work out a solution. It takes some time and she'll get it. She will probably start to warm to the other children faster because she has more opportunities to interact and she'll begin to learn that everyone's feelings are important (a hard lesson for toddlers and some adults unfortunately).

Just keep at it. She is still very young and this is a great time to introduce other children to her environment and help her figure out how to handle that. Only child or not, this is an issue for most toddlers. It will take time and with your loving support, she (and the other kids) will learn valuable life lessons. Good luck.

My son will be 3 in about a month and he is an only child. When he has friends come over, or his cousin, which is very rarely, he will share his toys, but when he tries to play with a toy that isn't being played with the other child will then want to play with it....so he usually just leaves it alone and moves on to something else. He will be starting preschool in about a week, so we will see how that goes, because he has been watched by my parents while I go to work, so he hasn't had to deal with being around other kids.

Our society has made a big deal about "socializing children", and has encouraged throwing them together at younger and younger ages....for longer and longer periods of time.
The more I read, from child psychologists such as Gordon Neufeld, this is based on some ideas that just do not prove to be true.
I have an only child, (age 2 ) and after reading Neufeld's book, Hold Onto Your Kids, Why Parents Should Matter More Than Peers, I saw the light! Kids learn how to socialize with each other more gently and civilly when provided with LOTS of ADULT interaction, supervision and guidance. They do not pick up great habits from the peers, especially same age peers. Most daycare/ preschool situations do not provide the one-on-one contact with adults that kids need. It is not financially possible to run a such business and do so. The average toddler seeks out adult attention about 10 times per waking hour. If staff can not meet that, kids end up trying to comfort themselves as best they can, or worse, they bond too tightly with other kids at the center....to the detriment of their relationships with teachers and parents.
Neufeld and others have some strong advice against using timeouts...it does nothing to strengthen the relationship between you and your daughter. In fact, it weakens it. Using coersion in a parent -child relationship may seem to solve problems in the short term, but it has lasting negative effect on the long run.
Your daughter will learn how to socialize with other children, even if she is thrown into a classroom situation years later. Just think of all the kids (generations past) who never went to preschool...yes kindergarten was a big change for them, but they made it quite well. Kids who do not have intensive peers interaction early on, may start out socially and scholastically a bit slower, but the research is showing they finish school with more success.
Bonding with trusted adults and having more time interacting with adults throughout the day, PROTECTS kids of all ages from the negative effects of peer interaction and bonding. Peers, by themselves, provide no unconditional love nor great models of proper behavior. Playing is fun, but that is IT.
Neufeld's books are often at the public library. Please also see that downside of the reward/punishment models of behavior modification so often applied to our kids these days (by so many experts) Using leverage hurts all kinds of relationships that should be based on trust and communication.

Your right about putting her in timeout not working. You shouldn't punish her for how she feels. By assuring her that you love her while at daycare and home alone she will realize that you paying attention to the other kids doesn't mean that you pay less attention to her and she will learn that given time.

Hello T.
I have one boy. I watched just one other boy when he was around 2 as well!! mind you they are now 7 and fight like brothers!!! grrrr!! anyways I think that you are headed into the right direction! ALso I feel that kids should all have those special toys that they dont have to share! I have experienced in the past many kids who dont respect other kids toys! So I would tell my son to put whatever toys that were special to him to put in a special place! He couldnt play with those toys while other kids were over unless he was going to share them! I think it made him a bit responsible (for his age) to take care of those certain toys! having a "daycare" in your home you should probably have some toys that are strictly for the daycare and have you daughter pick out ones who are hers!!
people have told me that you would never guess my son was an only child, he really doesnt know how to be alone.
Good luck

We do not have an only child, we have a 9 year old and a 3 year old. So the only child span was there… we are paying for it now.

Personally, it is all about structure I learned with her. Our daughter was not a big tantrum thrower but she was a drama queen. And she was spoiled by everyone, the best thing we started teaching her was the only thing that we always say “You will always have everything that you need, and occasionally get the thing that you want”. She still keeps that mindset at the age 9!

Have you considered putting her in a mom's day out program? Kids are different with their parents then with others. Occasional social interaction can be achieved and have the burden of discipline taken off your shoulders. She will learn social interaction and not have mom there as a safety net. And she will know how to act while at home with the kids that you care for.

That may not be much help, but I thought that I would respond.