One Twin Didn't Make It and One Did

Updated on December 21, 2009
N.B. asks from Argyle, TX
11 answers

Okay mama's really need your help here! A good friend was pregnant with twin girls, she was about 35 weeks and went into the doctor's for a normal appointment and they could only find one heartbeat. Sent her to the hospital and confirmed that. So they delivered both girls later that day. It is very bittersweet. They are having a hard time dealing with it. They want to be left alone to deal with it, which I don't blame them. Any ideas of what we can do for her? We plan on setting up a meal service for her when her parents leave. But don't know how to help or what the right words to say are. I feel really bad because she has 2 of everything and the nursery is set up with the names on the walls and 2 cribs, etc... Any help would be appreciated!!!! TIA

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answers from Dallas on

That is so sad. I had a friend that lost her baby after only 2 days old. Someone gave her a bracelet with his name on it for her to remember always. I remember not knowing what to say to my friend b/c I was pregnant at the time when all of this happened and did not want to make her feel bad. I ended up sending her an email letting her know how sorry I was about her situation; and that I apologize for not reaching out after everything happened. However, that I didn't really know what to say and felt guilty b/c I was pregnant. I also expressed that I cried for her family after her son had died and think about them constantly. I also said that I was hear when she was ready; and to please let me know if there was anything that I could do. She appreciated the note a lot. Good luck.

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answers from Dallas on

So very sad, N.. This is close to my heart for a couple of different reasons. I have four year old twin boys and we nearly had to say goodbye to one of them just over a year ago when he was afflicted with a horrible illness that took him as close to death as possible....through much prayer and amazing medical care that continues to this day, we have him still with us. The second reason is a very good friend of mine lost one of her twins (the boy out of a b/g set) 11 years ago when the suction was used to pull him into position and caused irreversible brain damage. Having heard her story, I have to agree that space is very necessary for this couple. Keep in contact with cards and e-mails that say you want them to call you as soon as they want company but don't push yourself on to them. My friend says the first year was a blur, she was happy to have her surviving daughter but devastated by the loss of the son. 11 years later, the pain is still very visible in her story. When they are ready, your friends will rearrange the nursery so don't worry about that. Don't be surprised if like my friend, they decide to have another baby sooner than friend got pregnant 10 months later....she said that went a long way to helping her heal, because she had "two" children like she was supposed to have had. So sorry for your friend's loss....makes me want to hug and kiss my little boys a whole lot right now.

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answers from Dallas on


My heart goes out to your friend. I know they are mourning the baby they lost. I hope they are also able to celebrate the one they got to keep.

Maybe someone could give them a couple of angle ornaments. One for EACH baby. OR! Maybe not two angles. Maybe an angel for the lost baby and something else for the living... a Dove maybe? They can use them later talk to the one that lived about how happy they are she was able to stay with them, while her sister had to go back to heaven.

There is a poem that I've read somewhere about about this sort of situation... I can't remember it, but I have a friend who recieved it on a plaque when she lost her baby. It's been 20+ years, but I know it's still on her wall... with pictures of her living children.

Your friend is in my prayers. God Bless.




answers from Dallas on

MEND is an awesome resource for this family. You might also suggest Now Iay Me Down To Sleep- they are professional photographers that do beautiful portraits of the family with the baby to have forever, their work is outstanding and they are so compassionate, and the service is free.



answers from Dallas on

I second the idea of an ornament. We have an angel ornament for the baby we lost and I love seeing it every year on our tree. It has the baby's birth/death date on it (cream colored angel with gold writing). Just know as a friend you won't feel you do the "right" thing no matter what. :) I know that sounds weird, but when people acknowledge the loss to her it will make her cry and when people don't acknowledge the loss she will be angry they didn't. It is human nature. I say that from experience. So be sure you acknowledge her loss with a card or ornament or a hug, but then just let her a lone to heal and let her know she can talk about it or not, that you are there. That is all you can do.



answers from Dallas on

I had a baby who died at birth unexpectantly. I found support and help through MEND (Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death) I have met others who lost one twin. They have a support that meets in Dallas (Irving area) and newsletters online. The hospital gave me information about MEND but it wasn't until a friend dropped it in my purse did I even take a look at it. It was great for me to meet others who had experienced a similar loss because even though I had a wonderful community of family and friends supporting me and praying for me, I still felt very alone. I got several angels and ornaments in memory of my daughter. Meals are a great thing and offer to help clean or anything the mom needs. Remember her baby who died. Maybe suggest to help her make a scrapbook (memory book) for her daughter who died. Let her know you are there to listen if she wants to talk but respect her if she wants to be alone.



answers from Tyler on

You said parents were there. Ask them how you can help. They would be the ones closest to your friend.



answers from Dallas on

There won't be any right words. Cry with them.

If you're really close with them, you could help with tasks they don't want to do (changing the nursery) Offer to go home and play their messages or go through their voice mails. Write down who called and let them know about anything important that was called about. Funeral home etc.

You can also do that for e-mails too You could create an e-mail folder for messages about the loss that they could look at when they're ready.

No one knows what to do. Do something. Even if it turns out not to be the perfect thing, they will remember that you did something.



answers from Grand Forks on

Oh my, what a sad thing to happen. I would give them their space to they can cope. Still be there for them no matter what, but you dont want to intrude. Keeping your distance is a good thing in this situation since they need to bond with their new baby, and appropriately grieve the loss of the other. I think making meals for the next few weeks is a good idea, since cooking is not going to be on their minds. Just be there for you friend and make sure she knows that. A hug says a thousand words with out being spoken.



answers from Dallas on

You have some wonderful responses here. So sorry your friends are experiencing this loss. The first thing I thought of was... wow, it's going to be hard to "remove" all the stuff that had to do with the 2nd child .. as far as the clothes, nursery, etc. Maybe the resources suggested to you will have an idea of how to do that for them so they don't have to. It would be best to have it done sooner than later, I'm sure it's very painful for them to see all of it as a constant reminder of the loss.. but also a very delicate situation... I would definitely get an expert opinion on how to go about it! Very wonderful of you to be so concerned and willing to help in any way you can... bless you!



answers from Dallas on

Respect their wishes about being left alone. A card or note is enough right now. I would be sure and ask her parents if a meal service is wanted after they leave. I have never lost a child, but know everyone has their own way of dealing with grief.

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