Oh the DRAMA!!! Part 1 - 11 Year Old DD

Honestly, it sounds like you are doing everything right with your dd. Something though isn't resonating with her. It's so fantstic that you have the relationships that you do with your ex and dh's ex so since she is suddenly doing better at her dads, maybe you could ask what they are doing differently. Maybe you have already done that since you seem to spend so much time together but what they changed could be really subtle. I recently read this great book called The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell. It is basically about how everyone perceives love differently. So since it doesn't seem to be something you are doing wrong, maybe it's something that she isn't feeling?

I am not really sure how to help with all of this. But one thing that popped into my head is puberty. Has she started her period yet? I know when I was 11 my mom said I was on a monthly rampage cycle for almost a year before I started my period at age 12. She sounds a lot like I was. My body was going through all the hormonal changes but just not the period part and it was a huge adjustment and I had no clue how to deal with it. Don't know if that helps any but perhaps talking about her emotions, hormones ect. and watching to see if you notice a pattern in the craziness might help your sanity.

Good luck

couple things:
do you think she behaves over there for the same reason you behaved with your mother? Meaning is she 'afraid' to mouth off? And when she is with you she knows that she can?

It sounds to me like you need to extend her punishments. And as soon as the behavior starts again start the punishment again-no buildup.

Do you ever take her out just the 2 of you?? She would love that I think. Get to know just her.

Do not discount her behavior as a grab for attention. Honestly take a look at yourself and figure out how much time you spend on her and her alone. I was the oldest of 4 siblings and looking back I can say that much of my bad behavior WAS really a cry for attention. My parents were really involved with the craziness of raising the little ones and pretty much let me get away with more than I should have. I would push the envelope as much as i could to get a reaction. Then they would notice me. And I hate to tell you that the older I got the more dangerous that behavior became.

And lastly-that really is a tough age to be a girl. Hormones are ridiculously hard for adult women to handle let alone an 11 year old.

This is totally off-topic, but I just wanted to say THANK YOU.

Thank you for reinforcing to me that the kind of relationship you and your husband have with your ex's is possible. Your situation is EXACTLY what I hope for for my son... his father and I never married, and I am recently engaged to another man. As of now, my son's father and I do maintain a wonderful friendship, although it has not matured to the point where we can all enjoy each other as you all do, but it is what I dearly hope for, as I know that's the best possible outcome of our situation for my son.

We hear so often about feuding ex's, and RARELY about situations like yours... so THANK YOU for including that information.

I'm sorry I don't have anything to include about your DD, but I still had to post.

Best wishes to you all.

first i would like to say good for you guys being such a loving close family! i wish EVERY family could be like yours!

It does sound like tween drama!
you need to find something that really speaks to her as a person to help her understand her behavior.
as her mother you probably know her best.
what is the thing that she needs the most right now?
she sounds like she likes attention! like my kids!
if so, she will do anything and everything to get it, bad or good.

what you can do is make a chart for her (make it look grown up or "cool" with her favorite colors, pictures of her favorite things to do or her friends and family)
put all the things on the chart that you need her to do, or want her to do, like chores (be specific, clean room, scrub toilet, etc) general cleanliness like brush teeth, shower, wash hands, etc. used kind words when upset, calmed down when angry with sibling or parents, apologized for being mean or saying a bad name etc.
then when she does each good thing on a daily basis put an awesome glittery sticker or check mark wtih a pretty sparkle pen, if she did NOT do them then you can take a big red or black marker and make an X.
at the end of each week she can earn a reward for all or most of her stickers, such as a special outing with mom, like dinner and movie or frozen yogurt or ice cream, or walk to the park, or skating rink or theme park or whatever fun thing she wants to do, you can let her pick!

my kids get coupons for special outings with mom or dad. they LOVE it
the key is to BE CONSISTENT, it really works, especially after the first time.

and if she earns a reward then does something bad you take it away (its not a physical thing, but its positive attention specially for her)
if youre like me you can also let her earn it back by doing something extra special like writing a sorry letter to a sibling or doing extra chores or making dinner for the family! (with adult supervision)
it teaches compassion and responsibility.

bless your family and
Good LUCK!!

Try some one on one time. Bet as a tween she is a bit jealous of sharing mom with her other siblings.