Non-stop Problems with 21 Month Old

R.,

You just described our 21 month old son, Ryan - almost exactly.

1) Picky eater. Ryan used to eat EVERYTHING we gave him. Now, there are times he only eats yogurt or fruit. We're having a problem with him wanting cookies ALL the time. No, we don't give them to him all the time, but they were an after dinner treat. NOW, he will scream and point to the cookie to eat instead of dinner. When he does this, we remove him from the table until he's ready to eat. Just keep offering the food you make for the rest of the family. If he's hungry, he'll eat.

2) Night waking. No, it doesn't sound like terrors at all. Ryan had them for a short time and they were horrible. He was uncontrollable and couldn't be soothed. Luckily, they seemed to have passed. But, he still wakes up at night (did last night, actually). If he's moaning, we let him moan. If it turns to a screaming fit, I will go in there and try to comfort him IN the crib. We've learned the hard way not to take him out. All you do by taking him out of the crib is condition him to scream in the middle of the night to get the attention he wants. And TV is stimulating, so I'd cut that habit out right away.

What has helped Ryan with self soothing is leaving a sippy cup of water in his crib for him to drink when he wakes up. Also, we have a CD player playing music under his crib and recently put an air purifier in his room (white noise). Since that, he's slept through a lot better (last night was the first night he didn't sleep through since we got it).

3) Diaper. I think he's just pushing his will on you and Dad. We usually sing ABC's, Itsy Bitsy Spider or another favorite while we change Ryan. Sometimes it helps, but other times it's a challenge. Just go as fast as you can.

4) Throwing. Oh. My. Gosh. Ryan is HORRIBLE with this. We're still trying to deal with this issue. Whenever he doesn't get his way (like a cookie), he will pick up whatever is closest to him and will throw it and look at us like, "HA!". We have wood floors, so things make a loud noise which gives him even more satisfaction. At first, I was ignoring it, but it didn't seem to work. He would just keep throwing and throwing...he even tries to throw the dining room chairs. So, what we've started doing is putting him in his (carpeted) bedroom. He can throw all of his toys and we tell him he can come out when he's ready to be nice. We don't lock him in or punish him. He has the choice to come out when he's done throwing. Oh, and he has to clean up the toys - with our help. As he gets older, we will take away any toys that are thrown. That worked wonders with our older son.

Seriously, you aren't doing anything wrong. It's so typical as toddlers crave independence and want what they want, when they want it. Just find what works the best and be consistent with it. If you give in once, it's like 3 steps back. You and your hubbby have to be on the same page and enforce the same rules. My husband and I often talk after the boys are in bed about different ways to handle the behavior issues that come up. We kinda keep each other in check with different ideas or perhaps different approaches to what may work.

Good luck and hang in there! These phases will pass and then you'll be on to something else. Lol.

T.

R.,
I feel for you! I, too, have a 21 month old son and it has been hell for the last three weeks! He is picky and won't eat most food I make, then he will throw it on the floor and to our dog, and he just laughs! He will hardly sleep in his crib, my husband needs to get up at 4:00am so, he complains and just tells me to lay him with us, which is going to teach him that he can cry and come in and sleep with us! I told my husband that he needs to sleep downstairs for a few days, so I can let him cry, but he says no. I am at a loss, I feel like crying sometimes! I just ordered the book, Raising a Willful Child, hopefully I can try some techniques in it and they work!

Sounds like a typical boy to me. I don't think you're doing anything wrong! Just when you think you've got them figured out and some sort of routine down, they change! Just try and roll with it.
#1 All kids go through some phase of being picky eaters, whether they're 2 or 5 or 7. I've read that kids may need to try a food up to 15 times before they will decide they like it. Just keep offering different things, sometimes it will work, sometimes it won't. I always try and give mine the thing I want them to eat the most, first. That way they're hungry and will eat what's on the tray.
#2 I'd let him cry, it won't take but a couple nights to get him back to his old good sleeper self. If you feel the need, introduce yourself to the new neighbor and explain to them that they may hear some crying in the middle of the night for a couple nights. That's the hazards of apartment living, we've all done it and all know how it goes.
#3 My 16 month old is doing this same thing when I change his diaper or get him dressed, but not when his Dad does it. He tries to roll of the table, cries...so annoying, but I try to ignore it and hold him down the best I can. I know all my boys did this at one point and then they stopped.
#4 Throwing things is such a boy thing and I don't know what to tell you about it. I think it's hard for them when we let them throw a ball, but get mad when they throw other things. Welcome to boyhood!!

Don't sweat the small stuff, it may seem like a lot now, but in the grand scheme of things, it's not. If he's healthy and happy, then you're doing a great job!!! It goes by so fast. My oldest is 7 now, enjoy every minute. Good luck.

Much of it sounds pretty normal. He is getting close to 2 after all. The throwing things is definitely normal. Picky eating tends to be normal around this age too. Diaper changes are a challenge with toddlers because they want to be active. Kids are typically more difficult for their parents than anyone else. This could be the problem. Try giving him something to play with that he ONLY gets on the changing table.

Regarding the sleep - I think the problem could be that you are taking him out of the crib. You need to make your nighttime visits as boring as possible. Also, don't look at him because he is wanting that contact. Looking them in the eye increases their heartbeat which will then make it harder to go to sleep. Definitely don't read him a book or watch TV with him, that is too stimulating for middle of the night. I would also leave him in his wet diaper unless he is wetting out the diaper or poopy. The experts say no talking too. Just go in, keep the lights out, feel him to make sure he is dry, and lay him down. You could pat his back, or just sit in his room until he falls asleep. I found that laying next to the crib worked for us. Just remember that consistency is the key.

R.,

I don't think you are doing anything wrong, I think you have a normal, healthy, almost two year old who is learning to control what he wants. The "trick" here is to remain calm, confident and in control.

It sounds like everything he is doing is typical of a child learning to use their words, body and whining to get attention. It's very important for him to feel like he has some control over decisions.

I would suggest trying to be "the parent" here, not his friend or his "Mommy" (who makes everything all better and strives to keep him happy). He needs to start understanding that it is not your job to listen to HIM, it's is his job to listen to you and use his words. I know this can be a BIG struggle since some two year olds aren't encouraged to "use words", us moms respond to grunts, pointing, throwing, kicking, etc. Since he's so young and learning he'll need to be reminded of what is acceptable behavior and to use his words. When he does grunt, kick, throw, etc. remind him of what you expect and that when he "behaves" you will help him (that doesn't always mean give him what he wants).

I think you are in an EXCELLENT position to decide what kind of parent you want to be and what kind of child you want to raise. I think lots of people see their 1-4 yr olds as cute kids who are too young to learn manners, discipline and how to "help" around the house. You have a child ripe to learn based on what you teach.

So if you LET HIM:

#1 continue to be a picky eater - that's exactly what he'll grow up being...expecting you to make meals that meet his demands. I would provide a food you know he'll eat, and a couple he won't. Then when he wants more of what he likes, tell him he needs to eat at least 2 pieces of the other foods. Once he's done that, he'll get more of what he wants. Give him small portions so he can eat it all and learn to ask for more. He won't starve. If he doesn't want to eat new foods, he must not be that hungry. If he is hungry later, offer fruit, veggies or a cheese stix - healthy options.

#2 crying in the middle of the night and wants stories, water, etc. then why should he stop - he's getting what he wants! I agree with a prior post, keep it short, dark, quiet - tell him it's time to go back to sleep, "night night". Let him cry. You are being considerate of your neighbors, but they chose to live in an apartment. They have to deal with his crying just like you. I agree, our kids responded well to sound machines at this age.

#3 - with the diaper, ask him what's wrong. Have him use his words. Maybe he's getting pinched by the wrong size. Maybe he doesn't like diapers and sitting in his pee/poop? Maybe he'd like to try pull ups and going on the potty. At this age, both my kids tried potty training because they didn't like being "dirty". He might just be aware that diapers mean sitting in it. If his crying/tantrums continue, give him a small toy to play with or picture on the wall where you change him. He might just be frustrated with being "pinned down" to get changed. Keep the toy only for changing time so it's new/interesting. My kids like musical toys where they could push buttons to make sounds. (Think of it like you reading a magazine while in the bathroom.) Sounds like he's just getting impatient.

#4 - No MEANS NO. No is not a game. No is not a choice. No young child likes to be told no. The sooner you get him to realize that you mean business the better. Don't make "no" a game. As for when he's playing with something and it's time to be done, give him a countdown..."5 more minutes and we need to leave. 2 minutes until we're getting shoes on. Say bye bye to your toy, we need to put it away now." I've found this very helpful. Even tho they don't understand time yet, they "get" the reminders that it's almost time to end. Also, if you're still having problems make it a game..."Can you get your shoes on? Where did we leave them?" Or "Would you like to pick out a toy/song to bring in the car? Go pick one out while I get your shoes." My kids LOVE these games to get ready. The count-down works well before preschool or leaving a playdate. I've found they understand that things are ending and are better mentally prepared to go without all the fussing and drama.

Again, if you son throws/tantrums immediately take the item away, remove him from the "fun", sit him on a step or chair and get down to his level and explain that "we use our words". Make him sit there until YOU are ready to leave or excuse him...this may take quite a bit of practice, but stick with it and let him know YOU are the boss.

Again, I think you are just getting into typical "two year old" behavior. Stay in control and let him know what you mean business. If you let him rule the roost it may never end - believe me!

Best of luck - let us know how it goes.