Nine Months Pregnant and Feeling Disconnected from Husband...

You are 9 months pregnant, it is normal for you to not want sex, and it is normal for him as well. He may not have hormones, but he is preparing for a huge change to his life the same as you are. You say his sex drive is naturally lower than yours, and I can tell you from experience that all that fighting you did with him only made it lower. The more you demand, the less he will want to preform. You guys need to meet each other half way.

Hey there,

Take all responses with a grain of salt because none of us know you guys and I'm guessing most likely none of us are certified marital counselors BUT - it has been my own experience that what you are going through is TOTALLY normal.

Not only is it due to crazy hormones, but also to being huge and uncomfortable, and exhausted, and to be frank with you - possibly a little tiny bit because of him; meaning that he may be a little freaked out that this is actually happening. Men are so visual, and during the first stages of pregnancy, you don't show much - but later, at the end, when you are clearly with child.... it is intimidating to them. My husband gets the same way... and its NOT because he isn't in love with you or because he thinks you're ugly - its a combination of uneasiness about the baby's presence, the fact that he is really going to be a father and that not only is he actually going to be a dad but its going to happen SOON. You've had 9 months to feel this pregnancy - he's only had a few solid weeks of realization.

When I'm feeling upset (I am 30 weeks along but we've done this a few times hhaha) ....but when I'm feeling disconnected and upset, I tell him how I' feeling and that I need some time alone with him. We usually put a movie on and cuddle before bed, making sure to love on each other and be very affectionate. This helps me a lot. Sex is extremely uncomfortable for me right now, this baby is breeched and not to mention large... we're already at 4 lbs and we have 2 1/2 months to go!

Try showering or taking a hot bath together. Try more affection and alone time, even if you aren't having sex. If you can... (and I know its difficult, and there will be nights that you just won't be able to).... but if and when you can, try to meet his needs. Obviously, you don't have to do anything you don't want to, and you shouldn't force yourself to - but on the evenings when you're not feeling sick or exhausted... give it a shot.

Intimacy is one of the super glues of marriage.

Hang in there!!

I went through this with my pregnancy too. Same thing, my drive was always bigger than his, when I was pregnant mine completely dropped off, and he didn't seem bothered by it at all. I felt completly undesirable, thought that he must think I'm big & ugly. I was afraid to ask what was up, as i was so hormonal, I feared any rejection from him. It came out after I had the baby that he felt weird having sex with our child in there, (even though doctor said it was okay). After I had the baby, it took a few months, but my sex drive started coming back, and so did my confidence. Hopefully it will all pass in time. Keep in mind that you are very hormone driven right now, and it will take some time after the baby comes for everything to go back to normal. Hang in there Momma!!

PS- If you need some intimacy, initiate the snuggling, hugging & holding hands, tell him that you need it right now, as a sign of his support & love for you and his child. (I used to offer him to put lotion on my belly too). Hope this helps. :)

just keep in mind that this pregnancy probably has EVERYTHING to do with both of your feelings. he maybe worried about hurting you or the baby, or respecting your (obviously less than amorous) moods lately, or a combination of both. but you're not going to know unless you ask him. part of being an adult, sorry! if it makes you feel better, you're the woman he fell in love with, and it wasn't ALL just boobs and butt and your pre-pregnancy body. he still loves you. if this is your first child, your world is about to be permanently ROCKED, in a new way. he may be feeling the weight of that change. but only he can answer that for sure.

(as for your feelings, if you are a very sexual person, it can be REALLY hard adjusting your self image to now include a giant baby belly and oozing boobs. i actually had a really hard time breastfeeding because of this. all these nagative feelings you're experiencing are just your brain's way of getting around this new view of yourself. it will take some adjustment, but you'll both be fine in the end. just hang on tight for the next year or so! AND, make the effort to hug him when you see him at the end of the day. ask how his day was. spend ten seconds in his arms even when you don't feel like it. like someone else said - meet him halfway.)

Totally your hormones, honey. They not only affect your feelings for your husband. They also affect your feelings for yourself. Pregnancy can make you feel ugly and unattractive. It's not in his mind. It's in yours. Once the baby has come and you've had a chance to recover physically, you'll find yourself excited and ready to make up for lost time.

Talk to your husband. Tell him that your hormones are making you feel low and unattractive. He'll contradict you. Most likely, he's just giving you your space because he's been told that pregnant women need their space. Even a guy with a slower sex drive can't help by be excited by the mother of his child.

You ARE 9 months pregnant. Your hormones are all out of whack. I'd wait til after the birth to discuss it with him. Chances are, in the forst year of your babie's life, your husband will:
1. Amaze you with his fathering abilities
AND
2. Infuriate you by being an incompetent father
ALL AT THE SAME TIME! LOL
Congrats!

I must say, I'm surprised at how many people responded with the same problem! I am just the opposite!! My poor husband is stuck with a woman who hardly ever wants sex. We got married at 20 and 21 and are about to celebrate our 9th anniversary and have our 4th child. I love him more than ever! But when it comes to the bedroom these last 8 years have been a rollercoaster ride. Every time I get feeling back to "normal" after I'm done nursing a baby I get pregnant again and the desires bottom out again.

While I am pregnant the feelings change from week to week. Last month I could hardly stand being touched and this week I'm ready to go every day! But we do talk about it, even though it's really hard for me. But I want him to know that I'm not rejecting him, it's just that if I did more than peck him on the cheek he thought that was a green light for sex, so I didn't. Now he realizes that I like to be quite physical all day, and kiss, and touch, but that doesn't mean sex. Now that we're on the same page I feel more intimate and can take the initiative if I want more. Also, sometimes you just have to give it up to satisfy the needs of your spouse - which I never imagined having to tell a man, but . . .

One last thing - at this stage of pregnancy, have you tried using a chair and facing the same direction? (Sorry if this is too graphic for Mamaland) It keeps the belly out of the way, and usually is comfortable for both people. Just a thought . . .

You have many years of changing sex life ahead of you. Don't give up! Keep talking and trying different things. And remember that intimacy is VERY important, but intimacy does not equal sex.

It got bettter probably about 6 months to a year after having our kid. It's totally normal. You basically have no sex hormones right now, so don't worry. But I would just talk to him about it, you have to be able to talk about this kind of stuff. Maybe he thinks you just don't want to or he'll just get more intersted when your not preggers anymore. But I wouldn't be too worried, but definately something that needs to be taked about. And the more sex you have, the more sex hormones you'll make & then want to have more sex...it's a domino effect.

I've read the other posts and while it is perfectly normal for sex to become an absentee thing in the 9th month of pregnancy, you are right to be concerned because this is something that has happened before you were pregnant if I have read your post correctly.

In marriage communication is important. Part of how we communicate intimacy is through sex. While sex may not be important to one party as it is the other throughout various times of the marriage, I have found it important and essential to a good marriage to keep the lines of communication open and sometimes you just have to get yourself mentally ready for physical intimacy on either end.

I would try to get him to see a doctor because sometimes this may be related to low hormones. His testosterone levels may be low. Thus he won't be very frisky without it while yours may be higher therefore making you crave sex more.

Any way you look at it there have to be some form of intimate satisfaction in the marriage.

If you want to have sex before the baby comes, talk to him before the baby comes. Talk about things like how you feel about sex with him. (You spoke of not wanting to kiss him beyond a peck - that may be because you have already conditioned yourself to the expect sex or get geared up for the disappointment.)

You will be very busy when baby is born and this may give you sometime to think about and formulate what you want and need to say to your husband about this sex issue.

Ultimately you may need counseling about this matter because there is so much living that has to be done before death and sex is important to you and the marriage.

i can SO relate to you on this one. I have been married almost 4 years, and pregnant with baby #2. We used to have a decent sex life, and then it dwindled BIG time, when he switched jobs. We both used to work 2nd shift, and now he is on first shift and I stay home. When we have talked about what happened, he says part of it, is that we don't have time to lay in bed together when we first get up in the morning. plus he admits that sex is not that important to him at all. We have talked several times about our sex life, and nothing seems to change. So i have decided to just go with him, and let him tell me when he wants it. I am 30 and he is 33, so we aren't that old, and like you i don't want to give up sex this early in life. but at the same time, I love my husband that i will work with him, and maybe in a few years things will change for us, and if not that's fine, i will just have to deal with it.

When you are 9 months prego, everything sucks. lol! It's probably awkward for him and he might have the same feeling that so many other men do and that's that they're either A: hurting the baby, B: hurting you, or C: just being creeped out by the baby moving around during.
It'll get better. I promise. ;)
Congrats on the baby!

just talk to him in a nice way, maybe he will share his problem to you

You're about to give birth to a baby! This has everything to do with it! I think men tend to get nervous the closer the due date comes. The saying is that a woman becomes a mom the moment she gets pregnant. A man becomes a dad the day the baby is born. I'm sure your husband is trying to prepare for the upcoming life change. Don't stress about any of this. For at least the first year of your child's life, your relationship will be dramatically changed.

Hi, He might be experiencing the Mary/Madonna complex. Basically, you are now the mama of his child and that woman shouldn't be a sexual being. OR ... he doesn't want to hurt or expose the baby to a bunch of bumping, after all sex is suppose to be between two adults and not involving the baby. We experienced that a bit too, but things got back on track after the baby was born. You should definitly talk to him.

I know exactly what you mean, but my drive took a nose dive as soon as I found out I was pregnant and it actually took a couple of years for me to feel almost normal again. I think my particular problem was that even though I was 22 when I got pregnant, I was way too young and immature and I think I held it against my husband and punished him for getting me pregnant (even though it takes two to tango). And I was afraid to give him more of a peck also because I figured it would lead somewhere I didn't want to go, even though I was already pregnant. So, how do you feel about your pregnancy? Plus hormones do play a huge part in it, but most people I talked to about it felt that it was more mental and emotional that physical.

How to approach the subject...hmmm. Well, if you just want to get it out there like I did, I just asked him straight out if he was still attracted to me anymore. When he asked why I told him that our sex life sucked and just figured he didn't want me anymore. Beating around the bush does nothing to ease the discomfort of that type of conversation, so I usually jump in with both feet just to get it done. Good luck to you dear.

Wait until after the baby. He may NOT be attracted to his fully-pregnant wife, and that's okay. Or he may be concerned about hurting you or the baby (which happens a lot to men in the 3rd trimester - they begin to worry!). But when you're this pregnant isn't the time to figure it all out. If, about 4 months after the baby is born, he is still showing no interest, it may then be time to think about counseling or having his testosterone levels checked, but right now, just concentrate on being parents. As you know from Baby #1, your life is about to be consumed with BABY, and sex won't be on the radar for a little while still.