Help with Intimacy

Updated on May 06, 2010
S.D. asks from Shawnee, KS
13 answers

... So what if your hubby is the one with no sex drive due your changing pregnant body? I believe his attraction diminishes more as I grow.

What can I do next?

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answers from New York on

When we were at lamaze the dads got together to talk. One dad told my hubs, I'm just not attracted to my wife looking this way. My hubs said to him, get over it, you made her look this way, LOL. All guys are different my husband didn't waver he was always ready to go. Some guys think they could hurt the baby, ego by the way, becasue if they were that hmmmmm ......well endowed to actually reach the baby that would be a whole different story. Just talk to him and ask him what could help.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Kansas City on

Sometimes guys are scared they'll hurt the baby. I would talk to him and see what's up. My husband was easy, all he had to do was see boobs and he was good to go, no matter how big the belly got, although we did have to get more creative to work around it, and he was slightly weirded out once from getting kicked in the stomach by the baby. :-)

1 mom found this helpful


answers from St. Louis on

I agree with some of the other ladies. Talk to him and ask him to list the top 3 reasons he doesn't want to have sex. The truth is, some men just aren't attracted to women while they're pregnant. Especially the MOTHER OF THEIR CHILD. That THEY IMPREGNANTED! Go figure. I don't know how you've been feeling physically during the pregnancy, but try everyday to look your best. Fix your hair, put on a little make-up. PAMPER YOURSELF! Cocoa butter everyday for the stretch marks. It really does works. Wear his favorite perfume. There's lots of cute maternity clothes and LINGERIE out there. (Hint: stick with babydolls, to camoflauge the belly, not 2 pieces). And you don't have to get totally naked during sex. Be a SEXY pregnant wife. FLIRT with him. Let him catch you gazing at him. If he's at work, get sexy before he comes home. Let him see what he's been missing. Don't wait for him to tell you how beautiful you are, tell yourself everyday. When you go out, dress up also. Men are VISUAL and TERRITORIAL. My husband also had a hard time when I was pregnant, but when he saw other men gazing at me and complimenting how beautiful I was, including his friends, he caught on real quick. I know it's hard especially if you're having a difficult pregnancy. But on days that you feel better, give it a try.

Be playful with him. I would do things like play knock-knock with the baby. Or push the baby and he could see her push back. He was horrified at first, but when he saw his baby respond he lightened up and started playing with her too. Let him see that he won't hurt the baby if that's his issue.

Encourage him to go to your prenatal visits. Maybe the MD can discuss some of his concerns with the two of you. I had a fabulous male MD. He was very open about sex. The doc can tell him it's OKKKKK to get his groove on.

I know it doesnt seem fair, but try showing HIM some attention. Give him a back rub, massage his feet when he comes home from work. Ask him about his concerns. This is a great time for the two of you to bond before the baby arrives. He may be stressed and unsure of this major change. And your growing belly is a reminder of that. Don't let the baby always be your only topic of discussion. Do something special for him , plan an event involving one of his favorite activities. Show him that he's still the MAN in your life.

And last, don't take his rejection personal. It may just be HIS issues. Sometimes as women, we can be very fragile. I was hurt sometimes when my husband rejected my advances, but sometimes I would playfully say something like, " You know you want me. Quit playing hard to get." He could do nothing but laugh. But we can't let men, even our own husbands, set the bar on our confidence level. My words to my husband were confirmed at a Christian marriage conference of all places. The speaker told the men to pay attention to their wives, denying them sex was not an option, because there were plenty of men out there that would love to have sex with their wives. I had been telling my husband that for 3 years. God Bless!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Lansing on

We had this too. There were several factors according to my husband. Stress of having a baby ( I don't know what they have to whine, My breast would leak on him, the biggest was fear of hurting the baby. I don't think men will ever get the I don't need "sex" to feel loved. We are more sensitive to the changing of our bodies, not just hormonally, size, shape, weight, ect. This is when we need soo much reassurance that we are still beautiful. Talk to him tell him you really need this support right now...doesn't have to be sex (although nice) can just be an admiring gaze or a back rub. Good luck with this!



answers from Minneapolis on

Talk to him! You used the words "I believe" which makes me wonder if you are interpreting his actions correctly. You cannot solve this problem until you find out what his reasons are. Perhaps he is afraid of "hurting" you or the baby and does not know that sex is safe while pregnant.



answers from Minneapolis on

Make sure it is not the physical changes or the fear of hurting the baby. But then tackle what can be the tougher issue:

As you get more immersed in "mommy mode" how easy is it for you to shed this and put your sexy persona the speak? Are you putting yourself out there as an assertive, sexy woman who by the way just happens to be pregnant? Are you able to ditch conversation that deals with the baby or your pregnancy symptoms for an evening? That could just as easily be a sub-conscious issue for any man -- The idea that the person they are being intimate is (to some degree) as become something new and unknown and not something associated with sex...Someone that is intently focused on the baby and not on them.

My husband and I didn't miss a beat between conception and overdue delivery. Not to say we were on the same page every night. But I think much of this was due to my husband's total readiness/eagerness for parenthood and because for my part, I wore pregnancy like a pair of shoes or a fabulous handbag -- It was just an accessory that just made me more myself vs temporarily different from my former self.

Gosh -- This probably made very little sense = )



answers from Redding on

I think a lot of men go through this. Some men feel their wives have never been more beautiful than when they were pregnant. On the other hand, men being men, they worry they might hurt the baby or feel that it's like having sex in front of your child.
A dear friend's husband wouldn't even consider having sex with the kids in the house which is ironic because that's how they ended up with kids in the first place. He had a hang up about it.
I would just talk to your husband. Maybe delicately let him know that you still want to feel desireable to him. I'll bet you anything he doesn't find you less attractive but he's just feeling nervous about the whole thing.
I'm sure he wouldn't want to hurt you or the baby and that's likely what is happening.
Just talk to him.

I wish you the very best!



answers from Atlanta on

There usually is fear of some type like hurting you or the baby. Sometimes they thing when women are preg they shouldn't touch them or think of them in a sexual manner, this is old thinking we all know but it depends on what's been told to him. Sometimes it's friends family or beliefs passed on by someone from years ago.

You can always give him a book and let him know it's ok to touch you in the same manner, you ares till sexual. Try to find a way to bring up the subject without making him embarrassed this could be a sensitive matter and to make him not comfortable to talk about ti will just make it worse. What ever you do don't make fun of any misconceived belief someone has told him he's taken to heart to be true.

If this is due to your body change sit down and talk with him be open to communicate with each other about this, if you don't one of tow things will happen: you will either just not have sex and be angry at him and resent him or due to your life changing in a big way learning to talk open & honest about this you will embark on communication that will just improve your relationship as a couple and as parents.

My best wishes to you on this sensitive matter



answers from Wichita on

Hi S.! I don't really have much advice for you, just letting you know I've been there too! The bigger I got, the less attracted my husband was to me, which was really difficult because you start feeling more unattractive then too. There are plenty of men that are attracted to their wives while pregnant, my husband just doesn't happen to be one of them. I would definitely discuss it with him though. A lot of other ppl mentioned that he could be afraid of hurting the baby, which could definitely be a factor in the way he's behaving. Good luck with everything.



answers from Chicago on

When talking with my husband during my pregnancy, he said it has nothing to do with not being attracted to me. He was so scared to hurt the baby or do something to my body that could jeopardize the pregnancy. I think men can get intimidated by the major changes our bodies go through, but I don't think it has to do with actual attraction.

Have you talked with your husband? You should sit down and have a heart to heart with him. Let him know how you feel without being accusatory towards him. I'm sure it'll be enlightening on both parts.



answers from Dallas on

My best friend had a miscarriage.. the next time she was pregnant - the ENTIRE 9 months her husband wouldn't touch her - beyond cuddling. He was terrified something would happen.

Perhaps different positions would be more comfortable for both of you? Later in my pregnancy my husband and I would do me on top, from behind and even a side position - him on his side and me kind of making a "T" shape off of him. Don't be afraid to initiate! Just because his drive is lower.. it doesn't mean he will reject you if you get him stirred up. :) Maybe you can get him more comfortable with it just by lighting his fire.

I would also suggest talking to your spouse. See what his concerns are. It's possible it has nothing to do with your body changing and he's just stressed about the new baby, work, finances, any number of things.



answers from Kansas City on

Hello~ I have no idea what everyone else said-but I totally know how you feel-having been pregnant twice now. My husband was the same way- i think it just got weird for him knowing there was a baby in there. And i actually think you would be surprised to find out that this is fairly common with a lot of men. It was really hard for me at first-because i was feeling bigger and not as sexy myself and then it didn't help to have him feeling weird about things too. it did start bothering so i mentioned it to my husband. For me it really wasn't' that my sex drive was so off the charts that i just had to have sex-but when you don't feel desired-it kind of sucks really!!!!! Lol. So my husband and i talked about it and he got really good at still trying to reassure me that i was beautiful and doing other things to show he was still attracted to me, etc. I know its hard- and not fun-but know its just weird and awkward for some guys-and you are not the only one who has gone through it! I am sure that doesn't help that much-but that is the only advice i can offer. Hang in there girl, it's not easy but i will get better!



answers from New York on

Have you talked to hubby? It's possible he may be thinking that he would be hurting you or the baby. It's also possible that he may be feeling very stressed with the new baby coming.

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