Alright Wives. Help Me Out Please =]

Updated on September 08, 2010
T.L. asks from Columbia, SC
23 answers

I'm 20 years old, my husband is 24. 9 months ago we had our first child, shes the love of our lives as it should be...

the problem im having is, before i got pregnant and while i was pregnant i was VERY attracted to my husband, sex was never a question for us (well until it got weird while prego, i couldnt even wrap my arms around my belly and have my fingers touch at my belly button lol i was HUGE) anyways, since she was born i'm no longer attracted to him.. I cringe at the thought of having sex with him (very bad i know)

I recnently brought it up to him feeling as though we needed to talk about it. we ended up getting into a huge fight (i can imagine it hurt him pretty bad) and went 2 days without speaking to each other. I do still love him and i couldnt imagine going a day without him so how do i get over this issue? and have any of you ever went through this?

I'm terrified things will never get better and were going to end up getting divorced, our marriage is rocky as it is and our relationship has always been that way (i was diagnosed PTSD and needless to say he reminds me a lot of the person that caused it) so yeah any advice or anything you could give me would be very much appreciated =]

What can I do next?

  • Add yourAnswer own comment
  • Ask your own question Add Question
  • Join the Mamapedia community Mamapedia
  • as inappropriate
  • this with your friends

So What Happened?

so i read a comment saying the PTSD must have something to do with rape or sexual assault. no, it all had to do with my real dad who needless to say abused me mentally. he was a gun freak so anytime he got angry he killed one of my animals or threatend to kill me to see how long my mom would live. theres more but i think you probably get the point now. I was in counceling after my daughter was born for aprox 3 months. i quit going back in may since well he said he had seem major improvement in my moods and behavior and we moved. since moving i havent been to a dr yet to see about getting a refferal.

To another response. yes my relationship with my husband has always been rocky. we've had more downs then ups and i forgot to mention in my original post that he is bi-polar. not too bad though. he doesnt require medication. he's just never understood me and when i was on meds for the PTSD he called me a junkie on a regular basis... all his ex's have had mental disorders and thats what he thinks this is, he doesnt realize mine can/would go away with time, counceling and support.

I also read that i shouldnt have brought it up... the reason i did was because he asked me on several occasions why we dont have sex as much as he would like... finally i broke down and told him what the problem was.

Featured Answers



answers from Phoenix on

I think its just symtoms of the pregnancy sometimes we just cant stand them getting next to us but all these symtoms will go away soon don`t worry things will get better if you want them to. but i don`t think you should have told him that because men are more sensitive then us lady`s so you should work on not beeing so tuff on him.

1 mom found this helpful

More Answers



answers from South Bend on

To 8kidsdad, she does not have to bow down to him & cater to his every sexual need. If she does that, he is getting all the benefits, and doesn't even have to make any concessions or considerations for her needs. This issue is NOT all about him. HE needs to be patient & compassionate and understand her feelings right now. Not just her feelings, but the chemical & hormonal reactions going on in her body. Pregnancy & childbirth take a huge toll on women mentally & physically. We don't just 'bounce back' a week after the baby is born. Maybe he needs to 'man up' and show some real resolve in wanting to stick with her through the good times & bad. Marriage is for better or for worse...not "Oh, my wife doesn't seduce me anymore & make love to me on a whim, so i'm outta here".

As for you T., it's totally normal. I have 4 kids, and i can relate. I felt that way after my first too. Part of feeling that way is hormonal, (a BIG part), but the other part, for me, was deep seated resentment. My husband did not take an active role in helping me out with caring for the baby. Because i breast fed, he thought that was an excuse to not get involved. I was like "Dude, you may not have to wake up for middle of the night feedings, but you can bathe her during the day...diaper her, spend time so i can have 10 free minutes to myself!". Is that an issue with you? Are you hiding any resentful feelings towards him? Do you feel he does not participate enough in caring for the baby? You should talk with him about any other emotions you are having, besides sexual ones. Guys don't often times get it through their heads unless you are black & white. Good luck!

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

Some things should never be said. While being open and honest is almost always good, there are still a few things that simply should never be said in a relationship. "I'm no longer attracted to you" are words that would scar anyone permanently. Perhaps you have a low sex drive from breastfeeding, or you have sex issues that relate to your past. I would go out of your way to make sure you tell him its your issue not his, that you have a low sex drive not that he repulses you. Otherwise, I would say you've done damage that cannot be undone.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on


Having a baby can bring up the trauma again from what you experienced that gave you PTSD. I would get into counseling asap. Talk to your hubby and tell him its something you need his support with to work with you on getting close again. Also, having a baby changes intimacy--so its common to have to figure out your role as mommy vs. wife vs lover etc. It takes time. I would sit down and apologize to him for hurting him and tell him that you love him and that he didn't do anything wrong. Get in to see a counselor and go from there. I have been there! You will get better-- it takes time and counseling....

Best wishes,


3 moms found this helpful


answers from Fort Wayne on

Ok first off its normal to feel like that after having a baby give yourself time. My lo is 14 months and I am just not CRAVING sex. your body and mind need time to adjust from going from a "whale" to the "sex kitten" you once were. As for the PTSD get into therapy even if you already did it before. Pregnancy and birth can retrigger things good and bad, your hormones can reak havoc on you. Keep talking to him and let him know what is going on and talk to your doc with your hubby so the doc can expalin to him what can go on with your body the ups and downs of this cycle. gl

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Spartanburg on

First thing first, as many have mentioned, this is really normal for a new mom, it's the way nature tells us that now the baby is the absolute priority and we mamas cannot be distracted by anythung more powerul than our baby...nothing, even good sex. It's also the way nature steers us away from getting pregnant again too soon while we are still caring for a very little creature that at least for few months needs our undivided attention to get strong enough to survive. Nature is perfect and knows its priorities. What I wanted to talk about is not the sex issue by itself but the way you talk about it with your husband. At 24 he is really REALLY young and it is very hard for him to understand completely what pregnancy and parenthood entail for you as a couple. Gosh, it's hard for 30something years old men!!! SO it is key that you approach the subject gently and make your way back to normalcy (it will happen) without hurting the relationship with your husband. I suggest you get articles from magazines on the subject (sex drive after delivery) or you take your husband to your doctor so he/she (the doctor) can explain that what you are going through is normal and it shall pass. He needs to hang in there (much more than you do) and grow up, knowing that during a long marriage this is an issue that may come up again due to life events that inevitably affect this delicate balance of the couple. I say forget the books (you don't need to "feed" anyone else but your children, your husband shoud be considered an equal to you and should "man up" in difficult times as required by marriage itself) and help yourself and your relationship by finding resources showing your hubby the way to a conscious adulthood and married life. Good luck.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

BTW- I saw 8kidsdad exact post on another mom's page- sounds like a control-happy sex-crazed maniac! lol... glad he's not MY husand!!

Anyhow, sweety- you are getting a lot of your needed physical affection from your baby now, where you used to get it from your husband. Women view intimacy a lot differently than men. When we cuddle our child, and she breathes on the crook of our neck, it is, in a odd way, the same intimacy that we craved from our husbands before that tiny bundle of love took over our hearts. Unfortunately, our husbands get the shaft, because biologically we need a certain amount of intimacy in a day and then we don't crave it any more.

So, the order of the day is to make a conscious effort to give your husband the attention he needs and hopefully deserves as well. If you find this impossibly hard, I suggest you go to counseling. You are also very young, and growing and maturing can cause negative feelings toward each other as you change and don't see each other the same way. (I know this first hand, I've been with my husband since we were fifteen years old!) You start blaming each other for things not being "the way they were".

Sounds like you love him and want this to work- and your baby deserves your effort- so keep trying, and good luck to you! I hope it all works out for the best!


2 moms found this helpful


answers from Dayton on

Hi T.,

Give yourself a break, here. You have a 9 month old baby. Your first. Your life has changed in a huge way. You sleep less, work more, have more to worry about, and your hormones are still not at normal levels. Ask yourself a question. Are you not attracted to him, or is it the very idea of sex right now. I thought it was my husband for a while, too, then I caught myself thinking if one more person touches me in any way I'll just lose it. That was an "aha" moment. It wasn't my husband, it was where I was in my own life and head. Physically, mentally, and emotionally I was exhausted. Sex was the last thing on my mind. I had spent the day meeting everyone's needs and this was one more need I had to meet and I resented it. That wasn't fair to my husband. It wasn't his fault. I felt bed for feeling that way, but it was the way I felt at the time. I had to break down why I was feeling how I was feeling. Instead of just reacting to the emotion I had to get to where the emotion came from. The next time you feel that way, don't just go with those feelings. Take a minute, remove yourself and really think about the "why". Did you have a hard day, did you need more help than you got, are you tire, do you feel dirty (like the days when I didn't get to shower because I didn't get the time), would you rather have a few minutes to yourself? When you get to the nitty gritty of the why you can start thinking of solutions. Do you need some time when he is home to be alone, do you need to take a bath, do you need some need met that will make you feel better, like a nap?

I also had to remind myself of the benefits of sex. I always felt better afterward. It was a stress reliever. It made me feel closer to my husband. It made him feel closer to me. He made me feel beautiful. It reminded me that we were special long before our kids came along and it put that "couple" aspect into perspective again. It built intimacy so that we COULD talk about the things that were troubling me. Men are notoriously more understanding AFTER that particular need is met.

A counsellor can help you work through some of these things if you need to go. A counselor can also help with the PTSD.

Hope this helps,


2 moms found this helpful


answers from Las Vegas on

I wonder if your hormones are off since having the baby. You may want to talk to your OB/Gyn about this.

If your husband reminds you of someone who caused you pain in the past, even if it is very slight, that may effect your libido towards your husband as well. Your husband can be the nicest, most handsome guy in the world but even if he only vaguely reminds you of this other person, then the situation is not a good one for you or for him. I'm sure that you are consciously aware that your husband is not this person that hurt you before but that will not stop your body from having an emotional reaction to something or somebody that it perceives and a familiar threat to your safety and wellbeing. Possibly a little bit (more?) therapy on this issue will help you with this issue.

Wish I could be of more help. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you well.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from St. Cloud on

Oh, T.! I'm so sorry! This has to be so hard on you and your hubby! The thing partum hormones are C.R.A.Z.Y . That is probably a huge part of the problem. THEN......add PTSD on top of it......
Do you go to a counselor? I would advise talking to your doctor about a referral. Take your hubby with you so he can realize that these issues you are having are real, fixable, and not about him. Both of you will be relived!
Also, talk to your doctor about how to get your hormones leveled out.

Hang in there, girl! I'm sure this is all overwhelming and scary, but there is absolutely NO SHAME in going to talk it out with a professional counselor.

Edit* 8kidsdad, I respectfully submit to you that your books and movies can't fix hormones and PTSD. Please try to understand things from a woman's perspective and know that forcing yourself to have sex under such conditions is not a cure all.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Phoenix on

I always feel that way the first year of having a baby. I always return to normal eventually. Hang in there!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Charlotte on


1 mom found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

After you have a child, a lot changes. Your hormones are wacky, you are sleep deprived, and you are beyond distracted when it comes to being intimate with your husband. Also, if you are nursing especially, you are kinda fulfilling your intimacy needs through your baby. All that touching and cuddling you're getting from your daughter makes it less of a requirement to get attention from your husband. That's normal. BUT, you need to nurture your relationship with your husband. I agree that it's important that you discuss how you are feeling with him, but you might consider getting the help of a counselor to help you work through what you are feeling and phrase it in a way that will not further damage your relationship with him. Also, with PTSD, you certainly have other issues that may be preventing you from being comfortable with intimacy, especially if he reminds you of the cause. He needs to be reassured that you love him, and want to work on your intimacy issues for the sake of your marraige and your family together. Good luck, I hope you can find a solution.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Norfolk on

You are probably never going to want as much sex as you used to. You are tireder now and spend the majority of your time taking care of other people. The one thing I can tell you for sure is the more you do have sex the more you will remember why you liked doing it in the first place. While you should never have sex when you are truly uncomfortable with it, you don't need to be waiting until you are in the mood. Buy some lube and just do it when you aren't hating the idea of sex. Remember that sex isn't all about the pleasure, it is also strengthens the emotional connection and communication you have with your husband. The stronger that is, the better you two will be able to get along and the more attracted you will be to one another once again. So the bottom line here is do it when you don't mind doing it, don't wait until you feel the need to do it. The longer you go without the easier it seems to just not have sex and the weaker your connection to each other will become and it will become a downward spiral.

And ladies, Don't be thinking that I think she should just do it and shut up about it. I am not a serve your man kind of girl, but I have been here before too and the emotional distance that I caused by not being willing to meet him half way made us worse and worse (We've been together 15 years now). So now my husband knows now that if he wants sex, he better help me with the evening chores so that we can be in bed early because though sex is fun sleep and our kids come first. Still "getting back in the saddle" made a world of difference in how sensitive and kind we can be with each other and helped my horomone roller coaster by reducing my stress and our couple issues. Still for us it doesn't have to be an everyday thing, just a willingness to meet each others needs.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from New York on

Pregnancy changes your body, hormones, priorities and just about everything about your life. So what you are going through doesn't sound like it is that unusual. It took me 9-12 months to feel like my body was back to "normal" after my last baby (10 months just to get my cycle back). So even after 9 months your hormones are still a bit in flux, especially if you are or were recently breastfeeding. At first after the baby I was also not too interested in sex and of course always exhausted. Even when I had an interest it was kind of weird having my husband touching my breasts when I had milk still. Also there were times I thought I wasn't interested and played along until I started to get into it. It may be worth a try (as long as you warn your husband not to necessarily expect sex). I think, based on conversations I have had with various men, they often don't realize how much it can take to get a woman in the right mood for sex (male equipment seems to respond with very little encouragement).

I would agree with what others have said here about talking to a doctor (about hormones) and a counselor (about PTSD and any possible overlap between that and post partum depression).

1 mom found this helpful


answers from San Antonio on

Even though you already posted a "so what happened" I just wanted to chime in with what my OB told me after giving birth.

He explained that our post-pregnancy hormones are exactly like menopausal women. We are very dry "down there" and need lots of lubricant and our sexual interest/drive can be non-existent. He told me not to worry if I thought I might never want sex again ever. It is just our hormones adjusting from being pregnant. He even told me if I wanted he could explain that to my husband for me. Turned out my husband and I were so sleep deprived that it didn't really was the last thing on either of our minds for a while.

So maybe the fact that it really is a "medical" condition that will resolve over were pregnant 10 months and it can take 10 months for our bodies to adjust back to "normal"...will that help him see that it isn't "him" it is just your hormones.

Sending you a hug...sorry it has been such a rough road.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Phoenix on

I would highly recommend a professional counselor who specializes in EMDR. It works wonders with PTSD issues like yours. And importantly, it works fast, maybe only 6 sessions for something like this.

You are sabotaging your own marriage over an earlier childhood incident and that is clearly not fair to your husband now. He is not your father and should not be responsible for 'reminding you' of such a dreadful man. Every day look at the positive, kind, wonderful things he has done for you. Keep a gratitude journal of things your are thankful for. Don't allow the terrible past you had to seep into today.

And yes, I say this from personal experience. I also had a very destructive family and my first husband reminded me a lot of the prior abusers. That marriage did end in divorce because I had recreated my childhood nightmare by choosing an absolute jerk like him.

It is a daily commitment to keep a positive, can do attitude. It does not come naturally when one has been terrorized like yourself. Many little things and big things can trigger that fear response in you. That is why the EMDR treatment can help. Those psychological and emotional scars are right there in your memories and carried in your central nervous system. Get help and be very honest with your feelings. They can help.



answers from Chicago on

Things will get back to normal. When I had just had our 3rd son my husband was pretty much ready to have sex again the next day (not really lol but very soon) I on the other hand during a drive to his parents said I didn't know if I ever wanted to do it again. He nearly drove off the road his head swiveled around at me so quickly. Go and talk to your ob doctor. Tell him whats going on. You are probably still tired with a little one and your body changes and it takes sometimes a long time for hormones to get back into whack.

ok just saw your what happened post. I am going to add that you really need to go and see a councilor first by yourself and then later with your husband you have a lot more going on than just the after baby problem. good luck to you



answers from Phoenix on

It's possible that your libido is being affected by your post-pregnancy hormones. Even certain types of mediction and/or birth control pills can cause problems like this. Make an appt and bring it up with your Ob/Gyn as soon as possible.



answers from Hickory on

Even with out the PTSD it is normal for many ladies to drop in sex drive after having a child. More so I have noted with their first. When the child comes you go into what I call "mommy mode". Your body is keyed into what the child needs at this time. It does improve. On the other note I had a good friend that was sexually assaulted and I was right there with her as she got married and worked through all that came up. You can do this and over come.


answers from Phoenix on

Read the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Good luck.



answers from New York on

Dear T., You said your marriage was rocky already and your relationship has ALWAYS been that way. Now throw in a baby, your exhaustion, your hormones and you are pushed over the edge. Since you have past problems wouldn't a chat with marriage counselor be an order? Then you and your hubs can find out where the initial problem occured? Once you find out the source or sources for your discontent and you two can resolve those issues perhaps you can find your way back to being attracted to him. You also indicated your husband reminds your of the person who caused your PSTD. That is obviously not his fault but you need to work through that as well and wonder why you would pick him in the first place, somewhere in you, you know that answer and that can help you also work towards a more harmoniuous relationship with him. I see that a few people said the more you have sex the more you'll remember why you like it and I agree, but your issue isn't just I had a baby I am exhausted so I don't feel sexual, you have far deeper ones that have to be addressed before you can tackle your intimacy with your hubs. IMHO



answers from Johnstown on

Your baby is only 9 months old. It takes a minimum of a year for your hormones to return to normal, sometimes much longer in some cases. Pregnancy can also affect your thyroid and sometimes women do need to have help from medication in order to reboot their thyroid. Please ask your Dr. about this if you continue to feel this way. Perhaps you can explain this to your hubby and let him know that your feelings are not intentional and have nothing to do with your or hidden emotions, it's just hormones. Things very well may return to normal on their on in a few months. Praying for you!

For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us

Related Questions