Married Life and Maternity

Updated on May 30, 2008
E.H. asks from Long Branch, NJ
23 answers

My husband and I had a good healthy sex life since we got married two years ago, but when I got pregnant things started to change and not exaclty for the better. He does not seem interested on intimacy at all.
I have tried to discuss the subject but the only answer I"ve gotten is that he is a little turn off by my pregnant figure.

I don't know what to do anymore and have tried many things but is trully affacting me. Please help

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So What Happened?

Thanks everyone for your advise, I really apreciate all of your inputs. i will keep you posted to let you know how it went.
My baby is due on September lets see what happens after that.

More Answers

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M.B.

answers from Rochester on

Not an unusual thing, but I would try counseling. If he hasn't gotten it that you are affected by this, then this would be the best course. I don't know what your marriage was like before this, either.

I don't want to be alarmist but I wouldn't leave anything to chance. Even if he won't go, then you go. It's covered now by insurance/flex accounts, too, so it isn't the arm-donating process it used to be.

Good luck!

M.

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J.W.

answers from New York on

Hey there! I've been married for 6 years, and am now pregnant with baby #2. My husband is not interested in having sex with me now either!
I have to say though, I think it's really hurtful that your husband actually said he's not turned on by your pregnant body. Maybe he has other worries or fears that he's not telling you about.
My husband isn't turned off by me now, he's just one of those guys who feels having sex with me right now will "bother" the baby somehow! :-)
Besides from your husbands comment, I wouldn't take it personally, or think anything is wrong with your marriage. You should be honest with him though, and tell him this is affecting you, and you still have needs.

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R.L.

answers from New York on

I'd say you have to try to help him open up to you. A lot of men are weirded out by having sex with a pregnant woman. They worry they'll hurt you, the baby, etc. To be honest, I'd be pretty hurt if my husband said something like that about my pregnant figure. I mean, what can you do about that? Is it possible he's having anxiety about the baby? You two need to talk, together and/or with a counselor. Pull together NOW as a team, you'll need each other after the baby comes.

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L.S.

answers from Buffalo on

Hi E.,

This may not be of much comfort but you may just have to wait out the pregnancy duration and see how he feels six weeks after the baby is born. During that time you may find comfort in talking it out with a best friend or counseling to keep your spirits up. Recall your victories and positives and keep your self esteem up.

I hope you feel beautiful; that's how I felt being pregnant with a new baby on the way.

All the best to you,

L.
www.LiveTotalWellness.com/L.

L.

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N.C.

answers from New York on

sorry for your experience. just remember, pregnancy is not forever, and try to enjoy it and take pride in the job your body is doing to create what will be the most important thing to you in your whole life. pregnancy ends and you will miss some aspects of it so really try and relish in the experience. sex with hubby will come back later on, and you may not feel so sexual after giving birth. it takes a woman a long time usually to want sex again...so just try to be understanding of one another; you will need to be as parents ;o) best of luck to you!

N.

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A.G.

answers from New York on

Take your husband to the next check up and ask your doctor. Ask if it is safe and unless you are high risk you will get told "Have fun"! He may be afraid of hurting you or the baby so if he hears it from the doctor it could help. A.

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W.M.

answers from New York on

My husband also would not have sex with me during pregnancy (or rarely I should say) I had a complicated pregnancy so I was off limits the 1st 12 weeks & after that I had a baby bump & that freaked out the hubby. Some men just get freaked out about the baby moving around in there while they do their thing. It was actually fine with me since I was worried about going into pre-term labor with my little one since I had a complicated pregnancy & sex CAN bring on pre-term labor. Once our son was born & the 6 weeks passed his interest returned - so don't worry about it. When the baby is born you are going to be the one turning him down - would rather sleep I am sure. Things even out though - don't worry!

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E.S.

answers from Richmond on

E.,
your husband may also be afriad of "hurting" the baby especially the farther along you get. i have 5 children and i know my husband at first was very nervous about the baby, once i reassured him that the baby was going to be fine he was much better i also had to let him now that pregnancy hormones can also make a women "want" their husband more. good luck

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C.R.

answers from Syracuse on

My husband was afraid our first pregnancy of doing harm to the baby(which he wasn't) but it felt akward for him...he got over it the last 4 pregnacies...I mean we've been married a little over 9 years and have 5 kids...so if he wasn't going to do it pregnant...he wasn't getting any :)I would keep talking to your husband and make a deal with him(you could even use a coupon book)because let me tell you after baby comes if you follow suit of most women sex will be the LAST thing on your mind...so make a deal, he puts out now and you put out then(after your 6 weeks is up)...and keep it real and tell him your concerns, it will never be the way it was again...you will fit it in when you can(and feel like it) and it won't be anywhere but behind a locked door for a long time... so get busy now honey :) again, don't threaten just be real and honest! Good luck!

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F.A.

answers from New York on

My husband went right off sex while I was pregnant with my first baby. It is horrible - you feel very undesirable at what can be a very unsettling time of your life. I found it very difficult to deal with. But it was not personal - I just think some men do not find the pregnant body sexy. Beautiful yes, and they still love you, but not sexy. The good news was that as soon as she was born (as soon as!!) things turned right around and he was up for it again, no problems. We certianly found that our sex life was very good in the immediate postnatal period. I know some people think you have to wait but I think as soon as you feel ready after the baby is born is fine.
And he didn't get like that with baby #2 - he was quite happy to carry on as normal then.
Try talking to him about how you feel, but I do think this is a common experience.

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W.O.

answers from New York on

Dear E.,
When women become pregnant, men think of this as vulnerable situation for you - a situation they put you in. Most likely, your husband is afraid of hurting you, or the baby, if you are intimate. This happened to us as well, until I talked to my OB about it and he reassured my husband that it was okay to continue life as before.
Your pregnant figure is an excuse for how your husband is really feeling. Men enjoy seeing their wives growing in pregnancy, but they have their secret fears because they feel "out of control". They want to help, but have no idea how.
Talk to your husband again and let him know that you understand how he must be feeling. Maybe he doesn't know himself, or hasn't admitted it to himself.
I know it works. We've been married 26 years and have 2 young "adults", ages 24 and 21. We are now empty-nesters and our intimate life is better than ever.

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L.D.

answers from Albany on

E.,

I wouldn't take it personally. Some men still love their wives and find them beautiful but it's just different, in your case especially since this is your first.

Please talk to your doctor about how soon after delivery you can be intimate again. I am concerned by some of the posts that are saying 4 weeks or whenever you feel up to it. My one doctor once said that you do not put ANYTHING "up there" for up to 6 weeks after delivery no matter if it was natural, c-section, how you feel, nothing.

It's a short period of time in the grand scheme of things. Please try to relax and enjoy this time in your life. :)

Hugs,
L.

http://APerfectMoment.MyArbonne.com

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S.R.

answers from Syracuse on

E.,

What the other mamas say is true. It is not uncommon for a man to feel umcomfortable having intercourse with a woman when she is preggers for many reasons. One thing that I haven't read here is that there are many ways to be intimate. Intimacy comes on many levels, including intelectually and emotionally. Perhaps the tow of you could rent a movie and cuddle on the couch. The more you cuddle, the more likely he is to feel your baby move and share some of the intimacy you share with your baby. Not to mention that the more you cuddle, the closer you'll feel. My hubby and I did this all the time.

We also showered together a lot. This way, he got to see my body change gradually and it was nice to have someone to wash my toes when I got too round to reach them myself. Heeheehee...

A few weeks before the baby was due, we had a photographer friend take artful and fun pictures of us together featuring my belly to celebrate my pregnant shape. These picture are a lovely reminder of how excited we were waiting to become parents.

We had our share of sex when I was pregnant but we also had more than our share of intimte moments that had nothing to do with intercourse. I never felt more beautiful than I did when I was preggers. Maybe these ideas can help to satisfy your need for intimacy and help your husband feel more comfortable with the changes your body is going through as you grow your beautiful baby.

S.

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A.T.

answers from New York on

Men! For as much as they are the tough guys, they really aren't sometimes. Remember that just as it is a huge change for you, it is one for him as well and while some men acclimate well, there are those that don't. Be patient, it doesn't mean that he does not love you, he's got alot of adjusting to do. My husband went through this with my second pregnancy. When I asked him about it, years later, he said it was because he saw me go through a change he couldn't grasp. I went from his sexy, shapely, wife to a blessed mother carrying his child. I became a sacred vessel so to speak and he couldn't bring himself to get all down and dirty if you know what I mean. Men think they will hurt the baby as well and kinda get skiddish about having sex. This "spell" as I like to call it, is broken once baby is about 3 months old and you have some sort of schedule set and you let grandma sit with the baby one night and wine n dine your husband and show him some romance. It will pass, just be patient and above all, don't push. Some men get touchy. Remember....this does not mean he does not love you......he just has to grasp it all. Good luck and keep your chin up.

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G.D.

answers from New York on

Hi E.,

Unfortunately, alot of husbands get turned off by their wife being pregnant. Some think they might even hurt the baby(which is not true). I went through the same experience you are going through. Since my husband acted normally in other areas, I just left it alone for the rest of my pregnancy. It is not an easy thing to go through since you are now feeling totally unattractive to your husband. Just make sure you pretty yourself up, not for him but for yourself. You won't be able to do much in this situation but just remember it is only for a short while. Take great comfort knowing you have a spark of life growing inside of you and soon you will be a new Mommy! Wishing you nothing but the best and blessings for your family.

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S.H.

answers from Syracuse on

Hi E.!

Know that you are not alone in this. Some men are not affected with a woman's pregnant form and some are. Mine was and we had a lot of discussion about it because it was affecting our relationship.

He explained to me that because of his little girl that he feels kicking inside of me just freaks him out about the prospect of having sex. Have a frank and honest conversation with him and while you may not get the intimacy that you were looking for at least you will know the real reason behind.

Know that this phase will pass and does not take away from the fact that he still loves you. Our daughter is 4 and our sex life returned as soon as she was 4 wks old. Try to be inimate in other ways and take it slow.

Good luck to you!

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A.D.

answers from New York on

Hi E., Sorry to hear that your husband feels this way. Many men think their pregnant wives are beautiful. Have you talked to him about your feelings and how it is affecting you? Your emotions are important while you are carrying a child. I will keep you in my prayers. Grandma Mary

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D.Z.

answers from Binghamton on

E.,

Some guys are like that. Whether he is just scared he can hurt you or the baby, or if he is truly turned off, know that relationships do change when babies come into the middle of them. Some men are so turned off by watching their wives give birth that they have trouble having sex for a long time after. My friend had that happen to her. I'm amazed at six months pregnant you still want to have sex. Good for you.

He still loves you, you will get through this.

D.

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M.S.

answers from New York on

Don't fret, don't take it personally, perhaps he's afraid of hurting your and/or the baby. You need to discuss this further with him. Make him understand that you have needs/feelings, etc. too. If he truly loves you, your "figure" should not be an issue AT ALL!! If he thinks he's going to hurt you, assure him that you will stop him, if it "hurts". If he feels uncomfortable in the traditional position, try switching places so that you're on top and he doesn't have to worry about laying on your belly. But you need to speak openly with him and find out what's really going on in his head. Good Luck.

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L.A.

answers from New York on

Awe, E., I'm so sorry to hear that sweetie. I know that it's about him being insecure and afraid to hurt you, not about him being turned off. Ask him to share how he really feels and tell him that it's okay to share if he is afraid or nervous, all first time dads are.

As for your pregnant figure, be proud and please don't be self conscious or afraid to gain weight, etc. It's beautiful and it's a miracle of God that you are carrying his child. Tell hubby to be proud, not turned off. :)
He still loves you, he's just never been thru this and is not sure how to handle the whole thing- :)

Hope this helps! :)

All my best

L. A.
###-###-####
###-###-####
[email protected]____.com
www.ahealthyworld.com

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M.P.

answers from New York on

Dear E.
I had a very simular situation w/ my husband. By the time I was 6-7 months pregnant he wasn't interested in having sex w/ me even though I would beg him b/c my hormones were going crazy. We talked about it and he still loved me and thought I was attractive and that my belly was beautiful but he couldn't get into the mood w/ my big belly in the way. Do you think your husband feels similar? I would then say okay it's your loss b/c who knows how long it will be after the baby's born due to the healing process. Fortunely for the both of us (I guess) I had a C-section and only had to waite 4 weeks. SO the night of that 4 week mark.... Now our sex life is very similar to before the baby so no need to worry he'll come around. Congrads and good luck!

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M.K.

answers from New York on

My best friend went through this too and their marriage has never been the same (her daughter is now 2 years old). You really have to talk about it and tell him how you feel. If he can't look past your beautiful belly and the magic that is the female body, HE has the problem and might need some counseling.

I have to ask though, how do YOU feel about your body? If you feel beautiful and magical about your amazing body, he might follow that lead. Any weight you gain is all for this growing baby that you both magically created together in a beautiful intimate moment.

When I was pregnant, my sex drive was way up and my husband was usually eager to comply. It was never about my body that he said no, only for being too tired or not in the mood himself. We were creative with positions to accomodate for the baby belly even in the last weeks of pregnancy.

Marriage is about for better or for worse. And unfortunately our society does not celebrate pregnant women as they should be. Pregnancy is definitely one of the better parts of life and marriage. It is a beautiful time of life and your hubby is making it ugly.

I teach prenatal yoga in Brooklyn and a big part of my class is celebrating pregnancy and the new bodies you have. Everytime your baby kicks, you should feel how amazing you are and your body is.

I hope this all helps.

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C.G.

answers from New York on

relax-he is anxious, scared he can hurt you or baby, confused etc. its all new and normal. you can talk to him or have him talk to someone else. or just deal and know its a normal reaction.

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