Mother-in-law Can Be Mean

So she flounced out?
Let her!
And don't feel guilty about it.
Definitely do not apologize.
In fact, I'm thinking you should have a glass of wine and relax - every time she pulls this trick.
Let her call you.
Enjoy the peace while it lasts!

Let her be. She needs to apologize. Your husband's reaction tells a lot.

I would just enjoy spending time with your mom and hopefully she moves to town!!! Yeah!!!

What you do is NOTHING. She was very much out of line and if you apologize to her for telling her that she was out of line, then she will feel justified in what she did and then YOU are the bad guy.

Look, we ARE supposed to try to get along with our inlaws. We're supposed to be respectful, too. But there's a difference in being respectful and being a doormat.

Allowing her to talk the way she does and not calling her on it is allowing her to walk all over you. It's time to stop it. Part of that is NOT crawling back after you tell her she is inappropriate.

Don't call her. Let her come back to you. DON'T allow her to talk like this from now on. If you do, you will have lost all the ground you gained.

And if she doesn't come back for a long time, so be it. SO BE IT.

Stop trying to forge a relationship with someone who is cruel. If she wants a relationshp with you and her son, then she has to toe the line. MAKE her toe the line.

Your husband doesn't care, why should you? I would not chase after her or apologize.

I'd let things be for a time.

There is nothing you can do to 'make nice' with your MIL which won't involve a bunch of mea culpas from you. When her own son is sick of her stuff, you know it's not just you.

I'd just let her pound sand at this point. Just because she hasn't chosen to get help for her issues doesn't mean that she gets to spread her stuff around on whoever is closest because she's so miserable.

Personally, I think the only thing you can do is let her fester on it until SHE decides to apologize or otherwise makes an effort to make amends. It may be a sideways thing, like she suddenly pretends nothing happened and that she's fine with everything and you should be too. People like this tend to feel that just calling is an apology in and of itself, so don't be surprised if you get a call out of the blue in a few days or weeks where she acts like things are 'normal'. You can decide if you want to accept it or address her actions when that happens, but for now, I'd just stop talking to her. She will only perceive you calling and apologizing as a sign of her 'rightness'. If you were affronted enough to tell her off, I'd really let her flap in the wind until she gets your drift--you aren't making it easy for her to be mean and get away with it any more. Good luck.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I have a MIL like this, too, and it's hard. You want to love her, or at least do the right thing by her, and it never goes well. And it's so easy to pick up the same attitude. Negativity is extremely contagious.

By telling this woman off, you'll gain a moment of temporary relief. But it won't solve a thing. You know that, I think; that's why you've held your tongue so long.

Your husband may say he has written his mother off, and he may mean it, but deep inside he's hurting - because he is her son.

It would be easier for you if MIL lived at a distance, but I guess she doesn't. Aside from moving yourselves to North Carolina, what can you do? One thing would be to memorize a few short sentences so that you can say them without having to think too much about it. One is, "I don't discuss that." Another is, "Let's change the subject." You can think of a few more. Learn to say them. Don't explain them, just say them. Actually, learn to say them over and over, because you will probably have to. Oh, here's a good one: "Don't talk badly about our family. If you do, you'll have to leave" (or "I'll have to leave," if you're in a restaurant - and then, of course, when she continues you get up and leave. You can leave her money for a taxi if you need to).

This course of action may - but I'm not promising - have the effect of getting MIL to realize that she does not have the audience she's used to having, so she may do less trash-talking. What it will definitely do is give you a better feeling of control, and that's what you want right now.

If your MIL has started an issue, you don't need to give an apology. If she wants to walk out, well, she has feet. Your saying "I'm sorry" when she feels offended doesn't work to keep things on a better keel, much less to make things right. You wouldn't apologize to your child when he/she pulls a power play like walking away and not speaking. Save your apologies for instances when you really do need to ask forgiveness of someone. We all have plenty of *those* times.

Our MILs must be related! I have more breathing room because she lives across the country, and also because now she's written me out of the family (probably trash-talking all the way!). But she's still my husband's mother, so I try to manage my own attitude. Besides, I don't want to be the way she is!

I don't think you can count on your MIL ever changing. But perhaps it can help you manage her without using the same type of anger that you see - and hate - in her. If you need to talk to a counselor about this, do it.

blowing up at her probably wasn't helpful. i'm sure my eyes would have been rolling crazily at the interrogation, but a better way to handle it would be a firm, 'beulah, thanks for your interest, but we've got the travel arrangements all taken care of. i'm very excited that my mom is coming to visit. so, tell me about your plans for your summer vacation! oh, and bartholomew and i are thinking of new drapes for the living room. i'm leaning toward light-blocking panels, but he's more inclined to sheers. what do you think?'
since she's clearly a negative person, you're only going to fire up her pistons by engaging in negative cycles with her. if you stay determinedly upbeat, and disengage politely and firmly if she pushes the issue, you won't ever have to be in a position where you need to apologize.
khairete
S.

I would not call and apologize but I would start to limit my time spent with her. Is she just showing up at the door and you let her in? If so, no more, say, "oh, this isn't a good time, we were just leaving". And then leave, take the kids to the park for a few or a drive. Do this the next few times she just shows up and tell her from now on she needs to call first. THEN, you need to limit the info you tell her. I had to do this with my own mom for awhile. It was hard but I literally chatted about the weather, my friends lives, etc. Just nothing specific about me, hubs and the kids. And if she ASKS you about your uncle or how you mom is getting to town, every.single.time you just say, "I don't know". And she's going to say, "what do you mean you don't know??!!" And you just keep repeating it. Then she will get tired of it. If you do ALL these things...limit your time, your info you give her, then things will change. You will ALL be happier. I know it works because I've done it. Tell your husband you are going to do this too so you are both on the same page. Good luck!

Just reading this post alone, I don't see how what she did was so very horrible. You say that you don't call her out, and THAT is a problem in my book. When she was making ugly faces, you should have asked her what that was about. You can't hold her facial expressions against her. Find out what words would accompany her expressions.

Regarding the uncle, is this her relative? Someone she knew well before you entered the picture? You should probably assume that there is some history there--exciting and dramatic or not--and stay out of it. You don't know how things got to where he appears (to you) to be the sweetest guy in the world and she wants to insult him.

She's got quite a bit going on there. You mention that she has medical problems. People with eating disorders tend to have distorted judgment, as well. You have all the information that you need not to take anything she says seriously or personally.

What to do now? How often do you see her? If often, then just wait until you see her again and greet her warmly and keep it moving. It doesn't sound like a big deal needs to be made. Just learn to be more assertive and gracious in the future. You don't have to be confrontational to ask her what is meant by her comments or what is behind her facial expressions. That is part of regular conversation. That is how communication stays clear.

Mary L's answer is perfection. Balanced, loving, and respectful of your situation. I love it when someone takes the time to be so helpful. Yeah, Mary!

Listen to your husband.