6 Year Old Making Fun of Adult Man

As a person who struggles with weight and has since the age of 9 I can understand the hurt feelings. I also understand your kid is 6. I think a hand written apology is great. I agree with the empathy point others have made below.

I've told my mom countless times that I feel like obesity is still a thing people feel ok about being very critical to others about. It's not ok but our society thinks so. My son carries extra weight. His pediatrician got all over us about how he should not drink sugary drinks and get more exercise blah blah blah. Guess what??? He drinks water constantly, thinks soft drinks are horrible and never drinks but 1 6oz glass of milk in the morning and then water the rest of the day (his preference). He is active, he's allowed 30 mins of screen time daily. Every accusation made he was not guilty of and when my son tried to tell him he didn't do those things he looked at him like he was lying. Guess what? As soon as we left the office my son broke out in tears and sobbed the whole way home. He has men in his family who are 6'5" and weigh over 200 lbs. They are giants compared to my side. I comforted my son and made another appt with his ped and explained to him how much effect his words had.

We all have things we struggle with. We are still conditioning our kids that being fat is a horrible thing. You know what? I'd rather be around a heavy kid with a great heart than a beautiful one with a mean spirit. One if my favorite sayings is yes I'm fat but you're mean and I can diet.

If your child did that to mine I would tell my kid I am fat the child is pointing out the obvious which is so silly. It's something I know because I carry it all the time. Please don't let what one person says ruin your day. I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt you but if he says it again you tell him it's hurtful and to stop.

The kid is 6. You can teach your child and you're now aware of the issue. Do not let this moment define the child.

Blessings!
L.

I'm sorry this happened. I can see how you would be upset and I would too, in your shoes.

You need to be there in person, and stand behind your son, literally, while he apologizes to this man's face. Your presence signals clearly to your son that this is very serious -- serious enough for you to BE there and watch him apologize properly. Sending a kid his age off to apologize on his own won't get the job done, as you already know.

Then you need to apologize to the man too. Yes, you didn't know about it and would have nipped it much sooner had you known. But it's the right thing to do to say "I'm sorry my child behaved so poorly and I will not let it happen again."

A card or note alone from your son isn't enough. Do have him write his sorry card but also go with him and stand there as he presents it and verbally apologizes as well.

Your son needs to know that if you get so much as a whiff of him talking like that not just to this man but to anyone again, he will be disciplined. Tell him what will happen, what he will lose for a long time if he does this. Be clear that you will indeed find out next time and every time and there will be discipline--not just a sorry note.

I know you left out details --but why? They would give context to this. Where is your son with this man that you are not also present? Is this man the dad of another kid at an activity? Or is he a leader or coach or other supposed authority figure who was reluctant to let it show that a kid's teasing got under his skin?

You said the man now "doesn't want him around." It's very hard to understand that unless we know: Is the man in a position where he can ban your son from wherever they are interacting on what seems, from the post, like a regular basis? Or is he just a parent present at some regular event who now is going to tell some other adult in charge that your son's a problem? Hard to advise, not knowing why and how your son and this man interact.

Your son showed a lack of any sense that an adult is, well, the adult, and that all adults are off limits for teasing and comments. Most kids have the "brakes" that stop them from saying out loud stuff like that to an adult when they might blurt it to another kid. What is the situation they are in together (sports team? afterschool activity? scouting? What?) that your son feels so free to talk this way? Is there something in the environment where they interact that makes your son wilder or less thoughtful than he would be, say, at home or at school? Context does matter because if this is going on someplace where your son is supposed to be behaving and listening to other adults who are not you or dad -- he's not, and you need to find out why.

I would be sure to work with your son on learning empathy for others. It is something that younger kids sometimes have to learn -- if they have never been teased or don't have anything physical that makes them unusual, they may not have developed much empathy for others who look different or who are more sensitive than they are. It does take time to develop empathy and also to develop the verbal brakes that just make a kid know not to stay stuff they are thinking. That's pretty normal. It's also normal for any kid to not apologize like mom said, if mom's not around to give him the hard stare and make him do it.

If this is some kind of program where the man is in a position of authority: He should have told your son to cut it out and apologize to him. But it sounds as if maybe this man doesn't have that authority or is just not good at telling someone else's kid, as I would have done, "Hey, that's out of line to talk to an adult, or anyone, that way. We don't comment on people's looks, mine, yours, or anyone's, period."

So it's happened before? I'm really sorry, but I don't blame this man for not wanting his daughter around your son any more. I wouldn't expose my kids to him either. Especially since your son had the chance to apologize and didn't do it.

I would do everything you can to make amends, but don't expect the welcome mat out any more.

Just have your son apologize (written or verbal) and if the man doesn't accept the apology then go your separate ways.

He could say something as simple as I am sorry I hurt your feelings.

I understand that this man's feelings were hurt and, yes, it is not okay for your son to say hurtful things, but really to stay mad at a 6 year old over this is crazy so if he can't move past it then the issue is his and not yours.

I agree with SH that it needs to go beyond an apology. Your son needs to learn what is appropriate and not appropriate. He needs to learn manners. He needs to learn empathy. He needs to understand what he did was wrong and why it was wrong.

Apparently this has been an ongoing issue with your son and your son has not learned when the man tried to correct him. I think it would be more important to correct your son's behavior than to have him write a sorry card. I think you are fortunate to have learned about this incident from his wife so that you can rectify your son's behavior before he continues to offend this man or others.

As a fat parent I understand the mans anger. I work hard to be sure my kids understand that body type is nothing to be embarrassed or shamed about and that to do so is hurtful and rude. If another boy was teasing my son about my weight it would not only hurt my son and myself, but it could also counteract the lessons and good self esteem I have tried to help my children learn.

Write the note, send it along. But in the end if this man decides your son is a bad influence to have around his daughter and might cause her to hold shame or have body acceptance issues, well you can not really blame him. I don't think this has anything to do with the mans hurt feelings to be honest, for me it would have everything to do with the fact that such teasing could cause my children to question their own body type or self worth.

Okay, as a parent, I would totally have my son write a letter of apology and read some age appropriate books about what it feels like to be bullied, to help develop empathy. As an adult, however, (and I would never convey this to the child) I want to tell the man to grow a pair and stop whining about what a six year old says. Model some maturity. Six year olds don't have filters or good judgment. Jees.

The fact of the matter is ... while YOU may be confident you're handling this well with your son ... that father ISN'T.

There is NOTHING you can do to make him forgive son. Your son SHOULD still be made to go over and apologize to the man for his words, his disrespect, his failure to apologize properly when he had the chance the first time and his flat out meanness.

If the father chooses to forgive him after that ... well that will be entirely up to him. If he chooses not to ... well then maybe your son will have learned a valuable lesson. When someone asks him to NOT talk that way to or about them ... he'll actually listen next time.

funny, my brother and i were just talking about this topic yesterday (at least i think so- the original question has been altered, so i'm just guessing from the responses.)
kids are not naturally empathetic. we all like to think that we have 'nice' kids and i'm sure most of us do. but even nice kids very, very rarely understand kindness and courtesy out of the chute. not only is there the brutal honesty that they generally display, but also a natural tendency to hoist themselves higher in the hierarchy by squelching anyone perceived as 'weaker.'
it doesn't make them bad kids. and it doesn't mean that they don't genuinely have wonderful, sweet, kind, truly giving aspects to their personalities too. that's why they have parents, so they can be guided through the raw, primitive reactions into thoughtful, evolved beings.
at 6 one would hope a kid wouldn't be totally reactionary, the way a 2 year old might be. but he's certainly not sophisticated. while one hopes most adults won't actually hold grudges against a little fellow like yours, it's also true that if it's a pattern, your son is setting himself up to be unpopular. some kids only need a light hand in redirecting themselves to more socially acceptable behavior, some need more oversight, rules and stringent guidance.
hopefully this incident will have enough impact that your son gets it this time, and will think (or come to you with questions) before blurting out what's on his mind.
khairete
S.

I can just picture a six-year-old kid doing this. Maybe that's because I was six once myself (insert sigh).

What a good teaching opportunity. The best opportunities come after the mistakes are made (insert large sigh).

Does your boy realize now that the "sticks and stones" saying isn't always true - that words can hurt just like a broken bone?

Your son did ask forgiveness of his friend. But he should have asked forgiveness of her daddy, the man he spoke meanly about. Here's the picture: If one of the kids at school had said bad things about your boy to other kids on the playground, that child would need to make things right with him (your son) as well as with those he talked to. I think your son is old enough to understand that.

There is a good article online about how to say, "I'm sorry." There are four parts to it: admitting what I did wrong, saying why it was wrong, telling what I will do instead (a positive statement) in the future, and asking for forgiveness. I'll post the link if I can find it. It's worthwhile reading, and easy enough for a six-year-old to understand (or an adult).

We really tend to think that this sort of problem is an automatic two-part fix. Not so! Being repentant and asking for forgiveness does not guarantee that one will receive forgiveness! But the asking part must be done anyhow.

Oh, here's the link:

http://www.cuppacocoa.com/a-better-way-to-say-sorry/

After he asks forgiveness of his friend's dad, whenever your son sees this man, he needs to smile and say hello to him by name, but leave him alone otherwise. (I'm assuming that the man is just hurt and not violent or vindictive.) The rest of the healing process, if it comes, may take time.

During that time, you could point out to your son, gently and not angrily, how many people *could* be laughed at for one thing or another, but how (as well as why) it's a good thing NOT to do. You can share stories from your own experience. You can show him how to look for the good things in the people around him instead of the teaseable (is that a word?) negative things. Six is pretty young - he may take a while to understand entirely, but he will definitely learn.

You will also need to teach him to recognize the "stop it" cues:, "Kevin, somebody is telling you how he feels. He's saying, 'Stop that!' You need to tune in when that happens. You need to know when to stop."

He might be an adult, but that doesn't mean he has to like or put up with your son. He thinks your son is not a nice kid and doesn't want him around his daughter. Quite frankly, I might feel the same way if I had been in this man's shoes.

Your son needs more of a consequence than an "I'm sorry" card. You need to talk to the wife again, remind her that's he's SIX, and that you are working with him to grow up a little fast and understand a concept that is still above him.

And then DO IT. He needs a punishment as well as making restitution. You also have to accept if that family is "done". They may not trust that your son won't act badly around their daughter. And that's just the way that things are. Perhaps in time, with your son acting with DEFERENCE around the parents when he sees them, they will come around.