Not Sure What to Do - Toledo, OH

My heart goes out to you- I had problems with my in-laws accepting me and while they didn't treat me to the extent yours are treating you, it was very difficult to deal with and accept.

The children are the ones who suffer most because they don't even get to know their grandparents. (And isn't it hard to understand how in the world grandparents would WANT to be separated from grandchildren?) I do hope you can develop a relationship where you are in contact with each other.

However, right now, you have this "history" and I don't think you're going to get what you want...i.e. an apology, etc. I think you want to "hear" that you're right, you've been wronged, etc., and I don't think that's going to happen. Sometimes, you just have to know in your heart that you did the right thing and accept the fact that others think badly of you.

In the meantime, if you want to communicate, I would suggest a written note or talking to them in person. YOu already see what happens when you send an email. A written note is not as easy to reproduce and sent out to the world. Also- make sure your note is VERY CLEAR and not ambiguous (In other words, make it easy to understand). Don't try to resolve the entire conflict in one little note and don't make it a huge long letter, either. Just a note as an approach, stating what you would like (i.e. a relationship)

(just my 2 cents)

D., I know exactly how you feel! I've been dealing with the same situation for the last 3 years. Despite what some of the other posters have said, you don't owe anyone an apology. You were not in the wrong for requesting that your mil respect you and your husband's wishes - you know what's best for your kids. I'm sure there is more history to your situation than you've shared and the toy thing is not the only issue you're dealing with, it's just the most recent. You and your husband tried to handle the situation like adults by sitting down with her and she continues to disregard you. That's her choice, but she seems to think that her choice should be without consequences for her. She thinks you should be the one to get the consequences for her choices. So your consequence is being attacked personally by involving your family and getting your bil to "disown" you. (She may have your bil brainwashed, but your family knows you and won't listen to her petty e-mails.) My mil attempted to do this as well. I found that totally ignoring all her drama was the answer - don't respond to it or try to fix it anymore. By ignoring, I didn't add any fuel to her fire and she had no where to go next. It made her realize that if she wanted anything to do with our kids or her son, she was going to have to suck it up and live on our terms. You're relationship with her will not be the best, but again, that's her choice. I simply tolerate my mil at family functions, I don't go out of my way to speak with her or anything. I leave the communication up to my husband. I know that this is very hard and stressful on you! As long as your husband and you are on the same page, that's all that matters. Good luck!

Although I read some (not all of the responses) I think what I'm going to say comes from a different perspective. I think you need to not deal with this at all. Your husband (as it's his parents) should sit down with them and work out something. He should absolutely stand up for you, but work out something. We work with newlyweds and lead marraige discussions. One of the biggest "rules" is that each person is to deal with issues with their own parents. Period. This can eliminate or significantly reduce the typical "in-law" problems. I pray that this can be healed for you, them, but most importantly your children.

Ya know what? Good for you!!! I know blood is thicker than water, but what grown woman would send a personal email out to people they don't even know bashing you. The issues she discussed were personal, so she obviously can't be trusted. Listening to the ongoing behavior one could only assume that this isn't the last time she'll behave this way. Do you really want that behavior around your kids? If she can bash you to your family so maturely via email, I would bet money she'll bash you to your own kids!!! I'm irrate just listening to your story. I would let her go. I know it's family, but my hub just recently disowned his for insane immature behavior. It sucks!! But he tolerated it while he was growing up and now has his own kids to protect. Sad when you have to protect your kids from your own family!
Good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't think your wrong at all. My fiance's mother is the same way, trying to turn his whole family against me. Granted mine is a little different. I tried sending her an email awhile back to "fix things" just explaining that I didn't appreciate the lies she was telling him about me trying to get him to leave me. She blew up for no reason because she's not allowed to see her granddaughter, now I never said she can't see her, I said my daughter is not allowed at her house because she smokes and the smoke smell stays in the house, we do not smoke, and my daughter was premature, not an option. I told her she could come to where we were staying, and made sure to make the house spotless (she's the type to look for reasons to call me a bad mom) she texted me the day before, she had a cold and would come later in the week...3 months later she never showed...but still complains she can't see her. I don't think I'm unreasonable, I only let my daughter go to my mom's if it's absolutely necesary because she has cats. I'm the same way about the toys and such, I don't believe a child needs them, I grew up with very little in that department, I started school at 3 years old, and I want my daughter to learn! Her other grandchild is 5, knows a handful of letters and her colors that's it, I could read and write at 5 years old, so therefor I have set the rule for toys too...sorry got a little off topic but personally I understand how you feel, and if she wants to act that way...she's the one missing out on her grandchildren's lives, not you! Mother in laws never make it easy, and always try making it look like your the one who's wrong, maybe I'm a b*t** but I wouldnt cave, I don't see anything your doing wrong!

Many different opinions..... so, this is how I feel. I am getting ready to have my first child and know that both sides of the family will want to spoil. I see no problem in requesting that they buy things for the children that aren't just toys. Maybe something educational???? Is that really asking that much? Now to the emails - first - it sounds like your husband and you are on the same page, you even sat down with the grandparents to discuss - why they feel the need to involve the entire family makes no sense. And the fact that most of them are willing to disown you on such a small matter - do you really want your child to have that type of person in her life....... even if you take a stand now and apologize (which you shouldn't do because you did nothing wrong) this won't be the last time they disown you - how ridiculous that just sounds.....disown you, because you requested a few books instead of just toys, from now on, eveytime you do something they don't like, you are disowned. Obviously, your child is not important enough to them for them to not pick sides......... they are all being very childish, you don't want to mix your daughter up in that. -So - I suggest one last email, stating you feel you've done nothing wrong and hate that they have all decided to remove you and your children from the family over a simple request. Mention that you want them in your kids life, but not at the expense of not being able to communicate your wants for YOUR kids. Familes don't always agree, but is it really worth not being in each other's lives.
My heart goes out to you and yours...... best of luck.... I hope they come around to see how silly they were - and how much time they have lost with your little ones.

After all the super long replies you had, I recommend to skip the negative ones! I think those were way to harsh! You might have made some mistakes, but come on! No need to hang you for that! Our kids are the only grandchildren in the family so far. Everybody in the family used to buy them a ton of toys for Christmas and birthdays, to the point that our van was so full that my brother in law would have to bring the rest of the toys in his pick up truck!!! So we talked to the family and we agreed that although it is really fun to shop for toys, one is acceptable and the rest of the gifts should be clothes or books. Our main reason is that we want our kids to enjoy each toy and not to sit in a corner for years completely neglected. I also feel bad about returning things to stores when they have been especially picked for our kids... I think as a parent you set the rules and you shouldn't feel bad about not wanting your kids to grow up over spoiled. Kids also have other important needs like clothing and education and those should be met as well. Not just the fun part! - I also think it was very inappropriate that your in-law sent her reply to the whole family. You should ask your husband to take a stronger role and make sure that his mom knows that these are his rules as well, not just yours. Don't expect an apology, just talk to her and tell her what your rules are and in order to keep a good relationship you both have to give in a little (maybe she can give them 5 toys but the kids only keep one and the rest stay at her house for when they visit???). I wish you good luck! Please let us know what everything turns out!

I do feel that the issue should have stayed between you and the mother-in-law. The rest of the family never should have received that email. You best bet may to be just let it go. It will be hard for everyone and hope and pray that they come around, you did nothing wrong for asking someone to respect your wishes. Best of luck to you! C.

Hi D., I would have stopped where I stopped with my response, but after I did I recieved a privite response bashing me for my feelings.
I love this site!! You can get some really good responses, but some of these you have to be like a duck and let the water run off your back. You need to remember that grandparents or not you are the parent, you make the final decisions in there life, no one else. I belive that a grandparent can overspoil your kids. I am glad you were able to stand up and speak out. Screw the haters!!!

I think demanding she say she's sorry is a little childish. Let it go. All this started over how many toys they could get as presents? Let it go, girl. Let your childrens grandparents show love in their own way to your kids. It will benefit your kids in the long run, not spoil them. And quit emailing, talk in person.

You're saying you're wanting to fix things, but yet you're asking for an apology?????? Does that make sense when you hear it? Because it's not how things work. You don't all of a sudden decide you're ready to bury the hatchett, and tell the person that you are wanting an apology. While reading your post, and I am not trying to be hurtful, I'm just blunt in my advice, I kept thinking that you have been asking for too much from the beginning. If people are coming to your kids' party and bringing gifts, you cannot dictate what they give. It's a "gift" and it isn't even to you! If someone asks for ideas, that's different, but you can't just go around and say "we have these rules and you have to follow them". That's ridiculous, and life is way too short to have to deal with people who want control like that.

I'd say if you REALLY want to fix this, you're going to have to take a look at yourself and take some ownership of the drama. Then, I'd CALL, no more emails, and I'd fully apologize for what's happened. After that, I'd leave everyone alone and let them decide whether or not they want to expose themselves to the things that have happened in the past again. It may take them awhile, but hopefully they'll come around. And if they do, let go of the rules, control, and wishes and just let the spending time together be exactly that. If someone wants to buy your kids 10 gifts and they're all toys, let your child be spoiled without being negative. It's not like you can't go through and weed toys out afterwards that they don't play with anymore. Stop trying to control everything.

It sounds like you've made some of the same mistakes we have in a very similar situation. We learned the hard way to NEVER email anything (although you did sit down with them first)that can be turned around on us. It is very hard to hear your heart with an email and things can so easily be taken out of context. We also had to put a 3 gift limit on our children's grandparents. Everyone encouraged us to "just take them back" etc., but in my heart I felt this was very deceitful and taking back something my sons have already opened is next to impossible. The other mistake we made is having my husband approach my mom about the issue (as his mom doesn't always like it, but is very willing to respect our wishes). I really feel it is your husband who needs to be on the forefront of this issue since it is his mom. My mom has been better as time has gone one but she reacts much more calmly and respectfully when I talk to her about issues, and not my husband. We give our parents very specific lists of ideas and they are finally understanding that the lists contain things the kids really want and will play with. I've also discovered other ways for my mom to buy things, ie. school uniforms etc. and have tried to channel her spending in more productive ways.

There have been times that we have had to stop communicating because of the stress this issue has caused but in the end, we've realized that it's the kids who are on the losing end. We had to come to a point where we said, we're not going to talk about the past issues (knowing full well we'll never get an apology), and start fresh. We have stuck to our 3 gift limit at holidays because we want our children to love their grandparents for who they are and not for what they give.

Good luck! We've made a lot of progress but there are still some pretty tense moments. Your children need their grandparents, but you still have the utltimate responsibility for raising them and his parents need to understand and respect this.

You need to pick your battles carefully. Which is more important. Your wishes or the chance for the kids to know their Grandparents? Rules or Family?

I homeschool my four children ages 9,8,8,and 6 and they know that we have different rules at home and they abide by them. But they also know that Grandma likes to buy them candy and toys. I struggled at first but in the end I figure what harm does it do? Sure she buys them too many toys and gives them too much junk food but they aren't over at Grandma's that often.

D.,

Stop concentrating on the past! No, your Mother-in-law is never going to apologize for sending an e-mail she clearly wanted everyone to read that she sent you, just as you are not going to apologize for sending her the e-mail that told her how you feel. While it was inconvenient for you to have your whole family read the exchange, she is entitled to her opinions and feelings, too.

And, really, how would you feel if you received an e-mail invitation that said, "You are invited to celebrate with us if you promise to be on your best behavior, do whatever I say, and only bring presents that I want you to buy for my child."? That is hardly an invitation.

An invitation sounds much more like, "Please celebrate on Tuesday with us at 2 pm to wish our daughter a Happy Birthday. She really likes purple fairies."

You cannot tell people how to act, as though you are already assuming you won't like it, and dictate what presents they are allowed to give. Did you tell everyone else you invited to the party that they had to mind their P's and Q's and they could only buy educational presents? No? Well, you cannot send differential invitations.

In a nutshell, put yourself in this woman's place. Would you be happy with your own actions? Would you feel welcomed and invited? Yes, in-laws can be very difficult, in every aspect of interactions. But Grandmothers are SUPPOSED to spoil the kids, give them whatever gift they want, and NOT buy socks.

Stop expecting any apology, and stop telling this woman how she can act. Next time, send the exact same invitation to everyone. Let go of the past, and look for areas where the two of you share feelings--like the love for your children, and husband, and expand from there.

Best wishes as you work on this challenge in your life!
K.

Hi D.!

I'm so sorry that you have to go through all of this. I have had similar issues with my in-laws, but not quite as extreme. My in-laws do not always respect our wishes, such as buying the kids too many things, allowing them to do whatever they want, teaching them "potty talk", etc. My husband & I have been frustrated with them for years, and we can't understand why they feel that they are exempt from our rules because they are the grandparents. We have no issues with my parents and our children. We also tried to sit down to talk, and it failed miserably.

My husband and I realize that his parents won't change. But, we understand how important it is for our children to know their grandparents, regardless of their behavior. So, we still visit (they live out of state) and allow them to come to see us, but I am in charge. The children follow my rules no matter what. I've been told to relax and just let them be kids, but I am their mother and they must do what I say. As for the excessive gift giving, they may receive the gifts, but I only allow them to play with one or two. The rest are packed away for a later time. I have also learned to bite my tongue. There is no point arguing with someone who will never see they are in the wrong. If there is a situation that REALLY bothers me, I let my husband deal with it. I'd rather him deal with it. I also notice that they listen a little bit if it comes from him, not from me.
As for the rest of the family, I ignore what they say about me. I bite my tongue when they make comments. It's in my best interest to keep my mouth shut and not have arguments.
All this keeping quiet has been a huge challenge for me, as I am NOT one to hide my feelings or keep quiet. But, I learned that it keeps things peaceful.
I hope that you can find some peace in your family. I understand how difficult all the fighting can be. I think that there is a way to maintain control and keep the peace, but it takes some time to find out what works best.
Good luck and take care!

In-laws can be tough....I have two pair!! My husband's parents are divorced and both remarried. I totally know what you are going thru!
Honey, it is time to eat crow for your kid's sake. Email the whole family and tell them that you are sorry and that you miss the family and so does your daughter. Tell them that you realize that Grandparents should be a part of your daughter's life and they are welcome to purchase anything that they want.....Grandparents are suppose to spoil their grandkids. I know it will be hard, believe me, I know. You need to be the grown-up here and take the leap! With the way the world is now, it will just get worse and you will need your family and your husband's family in the future....that is what family is for.

good luck

Wait--do we have the same in laws??? This sounds so very familiar! After this same kind of nonsense following my wedding (where my MIL walked out of the reception), we no longer have a relationship with my MIL. We have tried and tried, but she insists on continuing the fight. Having been there and done that, my best advice to you is to leave all communication with your in laws, for the time being, to your husband. That is the first step in improving communication. They need to know that you are a united front in your feelings toward them. Otherwise, it is easy for them to attack you as the bad guy. I would lay low, enjoy your kids, and let your husband be in charge of all communication with his family. If that goes well, then you can work up to working our your issues with them. Good luck!

D.,

I just don't think all of this family problem is worth the kids toy to book ratio. Let gandma spoil them if she wishes. Surely you can make up the difference by buying books and clothes. If not, there is always "freecycle."

Your control tactics definitely soured up the group- and possibly turned into other issues.

I hope all tuens around for you all.

God Bless.

A.

The responses to D.'s problem were very interesting, and some were super good! Just a thank you, D., for posing your problem and chain-helping my family issue too :)

I agree with some of the other responses and disagree at the same time. Your kids should know their grandparents but they shouldn't feel like grandma is ruling the roost either. These are your kids and they should be raised in a way that you think is best. It sounds like your MIL and BIL are major drama queens. I mean come on. You all sat down like ADULTS and they seemed to have flipped out. And it was immature for them to respond to all in the emails. This was a private matter between the people involved. No one else really wants an email from your crazy MIL complaining about YOU, a person that is their family and that they love. It really just seems ridiculous to me. That being said... these people aren't going to apologize. They feel they are in the right and they will not bend. (don't you wonder how good husbands come from some of these families!! haha) A normal person would see that they are missing out on their grandchildren's lives and realize that it is worth more than some petty peeing contest they insist on having. You may just have to decide what it's all worth to you. Can you let it go and allow them to treat you as if what you and your husband say doesn't matter? Or is that too much to ask? For me, it would be too much. People don't have to agree with me but I would like my thoughts and opinions to be respected as I respect others. Oh and never, ever again send them a mass email. ;) I would do what another poster suggested. Send the invites and if they decide to come, good... if not, they're missing out on some great kids.
J.

Been there!! The only thing that you can do is accept them for what they are. Busybodies! Who want & possibly need to interfer in the lives of their kids. Limit the time that you spend with them may be best for all; but keep to your standards; as long as this is what both you & your husband want. This is what I do with my family as they all don't like the choices that I have made in my life. It's your life & your marriage. No one should tell you how to take care of it but the two of you. Well, take that a little further; you may want to consult a clergy/priest or a family theripst about some of the difficulities that you & your husband are facing with family. Its not a shameful situtation & don't let anyone say otherwise. Be respectful, a little cool but stand your ground with your in-laws & your own family if necessary. Marriage is a two-way street; not a four lane highway!!! Good luck, D. & hubby.

It sounds like the basic problem is a sense of control on both of your parts. While I understand your rationale in trying to direct what type & how many gifts they give to your children, they were probably very insulted which led to additional issues and what may have started out as a mole hill has obviously become a mountain.

I know why you feel wronged, but if you want your children to know their grandparents, you need to realize you can't control other people's behavior. I know you have your children's best interests at heart, but if you put yourself in their shoes, think how you would feel if you were told you could only go to a party if you met certain gift conditions. Or only see your grandchild if you acted a certain way (what they perceive as generous). As others said, take control of the gifts afterward (put them away, return them, donate, etc.) I would expect that they feel you are saying they don't know how to be good parents/grandparents which makes them feel judged. If this is truly about the gifts and not other issues, let go of some of the control.

Moving forward, IF you want a relationship with them, I'd start out with a face to face or phone call and say something to the effect of how you want them to be involved in your lives and your children's lives. You are sorry that you upset them. You are sorry that the relationship has suffered. You could explain that as new parents and were trying to do best for your children, and did not mean to insult them. If you want to, explain why you wanted to limit the toys, but then say that you should not have excluded them for not following your suggestions. Tell them how you feel (hurt/ not listened to/unimportant/or whatever) and that you want to put this behind you. It will probably take time, but try not to react defensively during the conversation. Think of your children. Do you really want to explain to them they can't see Grandma because she bought them too many gifts?

I don't intend for this to be harsh. I've been in your shoes. I felt completely out of control with my in-laws the first several years of marriage/kids and would get frustrated they didn't follow our "rules" when they watched the kids and so on. I never made an issue with them directly (I'd stress out or complain to my friends), and in hindsight and am glad. My older children are in their 20's and my youngest is a toddler. My toddler has no grandparents left and I wish I didn't stress about the "little" things now and enjoyed the get togethers more. My youngest has no one to "spoil" her. I don't care about the gifts, it's the relationship that is important. Grandparents have a different relationship than parents with the child. Make that your focus and swallow your pride whether or not you feel you were right.

Wow, I had the opposite problem. My in-laws bought expensive gifts for certain grandkids but totally ignored mine or got them some cheap toy that was way below their age level.
Regardless, they're dead now and I feel sorry for my kids that they really don't have grandparents anymore.
My SIL was the mom of the kids that got all sorts of expensive gifts from her mom. She let her mom know that they could really use some decent clothes, money for school sports or favorite foods, but grandma just kept buying toys. Eventually my SIL just let her do it (although she did take back to the stores any toys she could to get money from them) and she managed to keep a good relationship with her mom in spite of it.
My advice is to just drop the whole thing. Call (not e-mail) whomever you think might come to the birthday party and simply say something like " We're going to be having ice cream cake for ______'s birthday on such and such a day at six o'clock if you would like to come." Then let it go.
You don't have to like your in-laws but your kids should have the chance to know them.

Lots of opinions here! I suggest you read the book "Boundaries" by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Towwnsend. In regards to the gifts - you have expressed your wishes. Should they choose not to abide by them simply donate to charity the gifts given in excess. If asked, again restate that you have expressed your wishes previously. Their anger is manipulative. Looking for an apology that is unlikely to come binds you in anger as well.

Hi D., for myself I would never let anyone family or friends tell me how to raise my kids. You and your husband live with them all the time and you know how you want them to learn, sleep and play. No one else has that right so don't let them take that away from you. I think this is petty on their part. They are the loosers, so let them come around when they grow up you will always be there. I do feel sorry for your children that they won't know their grandparents but it is up to grandma and grandpa if they are interested. It is hard for me to hear this as I had the most wonderful inlaws ever. Good Luck and Stand Your Views on Raising Your Children.

Number one.......THERE IS SOMETHING CALLED TACT! She obviously doesn't know what that is. You did the right thing in trying to sit down w/ them and work things out. It's REALLY no one else's business. The more people - ESPECIALLY family- that get involved - the worse it gets!

You can/should apologize that her feelings were hurt but you absolutely have reason to ask for an apology for her sending it out to the rest of the family. Sounds like she thrives on drama and likes being the victim.

With people like this, you do what you can. DO NOT give in. There is NOTHING wrong with setting boundaries. You are raising these kids, NOT her. Just because she is a grandparent does not give her free reign. If she wants respect, she needs to respect you in return and the fact that you are trying to set boundaries. EVERYONE needs them. The earlier you set them, the better!

Have the kids send birthday cards, Fathers' Day & Mother's Day cards, pics, etc occasionally. NOTHING pushing apologies, etc. Just communication. THEREFORE, you've done YOUR part. If SHE chooses to disown your family, the fault lies with HER and anyone else who choses to do so. Try to keep the kids in communication w/ them and keep them OUT of the bickering as much as you can. You DON'T want to alienate them from their grandparents or force them into a decision about their grandparents. If the grandparents choose not to be a part or follow your guidelines, the kids will figure this out on their own and form their own decision. Talk about relationships being important, especially family relationships, but you cannot control what others do and how they react.

I'd write them all an email and tell them that 1) you want them in your children's lives, but 2) you won't do it at your own expense. They are welcome to visit and attend events you have if they will be civil and stop the email bashes. You will continue to send invites and it wil be up to them if they want to see your kids. Drop the whole gift thing with your MIL. Let her get what she wants and just donate anything you don't want, or sell them to a consignment shop and get whatever you DO want your kids to have. You can even tell her you'll be doing this if she won't get them what you are asking for. Or, you can have your kids donate old toys for each new one she gets.
Good Luck:)

Part of the problem is going through email to express things. Sometimes the meaning is lost, especially if each side has hurt feelings.

As the grandmother, she has every right to be upset. (Roll with me here for a sec...) She wants to dote on her grandkids, and feels like you guys are putting restrictions on that. Emails are going out, and she took that as opportunity to tell everyone you guys (well, you) were being horrible to her for putting restrictions on what sort of gifts they could give the grandkids.

Now, from your standpoint - I completely agree with you in that you're making suggestions about what sort of gifts would be great for the grandkids to have. She should be taking THAT as opportunity to know what to focus on.

It's really great that you're trying to patch things up, and they do need to be patched up. BUT your husband should be taking a bigger role in that happening. The in-laws are taking out their frustrations on you, and he should be taking up for you, and smoothing things over at the same time. (Not trying to bash your husband at all, and I'm sure he's doing that to some degree. It's just been my experience with my family and all the sets of in-laws, that whoever the "blood relation" is is the one who's the primary contact.)

All in all, you probably aren't going to get the type of apology you want. Really, for each of you, your feelings are your feelings, whether justified or not - that's how you feel, and that's okay. Maybe you guys could call a truce on those grounds, that right or wrong, each of you have hurt feelings and could have dealt with the situation differently.

If the in-laws won't "respect your wishes", then it'll be up to you to "make the appropriate adjustments." Maybe approach them in the light of "I just want to make sure what you're getting so I can adjust so we don't have any duplicates...she ended up with 3 tickle-me-Elmo's at her last birthday" Better yet, ask dear husband approach them about it that way, and it may go over better.

It's really hard sometimes dealing with in-laws. My sister's mother-in-law ALWAYS schedules stuff when we schedule things. They'll let them know they can't come over a certain day because we're all doing something, and she'll say, "But I have this big party planned for you guys...." It's insane. This has gone on for 20 years. The last time was for my sister's birthday. I just laughed at my mother and said, "Don't worry - we'll just set it up for next weekend and there won't be a problem." (We're usually a "big issue" because we live 2 hours away.)

For what it's worth, and good luck!

Wow, my mother-in-law has a clone, too! Although my issue was not about presents, but about my mil trying to dictate who we could and could not invite to our own home! I have found that this type of behavior and attitude does not stop at birthday parties, it is a ribbon running through her entire personality. I invite her just the same as everyone else and she doesn't show up, but that's OK, we have realized that our kids don't notice as much as we thought they would. I am sad that my kids don't have the type of grandma that WE wanted them to have, but then again, the kids don't know any different, so they have what they have and they think she is wonderful! Please save yourself the anguish and stop trying to fix this. Invite them just like everyone else and in the end, you can at least say that you were polite and invited them. Their behavior really sends a message as to what they truly value. They don't value people, even their own blood, they value being "right".

I just read through your previous posts on Mamasource, and this is definitely not about presents. This is just a continuation of your relationship with the mil since you became pregnant the first time. Like I said before, this is not a one-time experience, but a personality trait. Cut them loose and move on.

Your MIL is not going to apologize. You need to just suck it up and be the hero here. Apoligize to her. Even if you don't really mean it in your heart - do it anyway. Send her an apology e-mail and copy the entire family, apologize for everything -- even the stuff SHE did wrong. Be the bigger person here. Teach your children a priceless lesson about tolerance and forgiveness. These people are childish and this is high school BS, don't play their games. Apologize and let them give your kids 300 toys if they want. After they leave take the toys to the Salvation Army and donate them, whatever.

You only get ONE family, and life is too short. Be the hero here. Good Luck!

I went through something similar with my mom. And mo matter what you cannot force her to appoligize. It will only tear the rift further. Nor should you be asking anyone to take sides. She is who she is and will never change unless she wants to. You also have no right to tell her what she can and cannot give your child as a gift. If shes like this with you she is probably like this with others and in time they will come round. Just ignore her. Your children are to young. They have a right to a relationship with their grandmother. Don't discuss your problems or air them to others unless they ask. You need to be the bigger person. Don't send her birthday, christmas and holiday cards from you. But instead send them from the kids.

Like I said I went through this with my mother. My brother and his wife went through something similar when their kids were younger and now my sister who hated the both of us and kept insisting ther my mother was a saint is going through with her. If you ignore her eventually she will have to turn on some on else and when she does and they come to you don't compare note on how you've been wronged. Just say, "Ii know." Because things you say will probably be relayed back to her. Good luck.

I am going to be harsh. Are you nuts? Unless, your mother-in-law is living with you, I don't think you need to make rules about quantity and quality of gifts. Emailing can get you into trouble, as you know. Stop doing that to prove your right. Everyone has opinions. She thinks she is right, too. If she was buying your 12 yr old a six pack of budweiser, I might understand your concern. They are your kids; let they play with what you want and give the rest away or to a consignment shop. There will be significant conflicts and problems in your life; this is not one of them.

Realistically you were in the wrong. I'm not sure that if they are not spoiling any one of the children more than the rest, how this is a huge issue. you could have chosen to put away some of the toys until the kids were bored one day. Also emailing your mil about this, although you were well intentioned, very cold. Obviously many of your in laws are upset that you have signaled out your mil about this issue. You could hint to her that your kids need something else, and hope that she will listen. It sound like you want to control her spending. If this is something that you are willing to fight long term about, then it will stay the same. If not, talk in person to your mil, telling her that although these are your wishes, it is not a deal breaker, that it would mean so much more for your kids to have their grandmother in their life.

I never knew my mother in law had a clone. As hard as it is on you I've found it's easier just to say ok, I tried, the ball is in your court and move on. I still feel like I should try again, or do more but I can't fix the relationship on my own, nor can I just give in and act like she never hurt me, or my own kids by her behavior. If your mother in law is totally against reconnecting with you and accepting some fault for her part then there is nothing you can do. keep the lines of communication open and move on. good luck

In my humble opinion there are many hurt feelings in this situation and there may not be a really right or wrong side for anyone to take. My husband and I had a long discussion before our first child was born about gifts and how to handle all sides of our families.We asked that we be given the priviledge of being Santa(or whatever your belief is)and that our families could give one toy and then clothing or contribute to a college fund. There then was discussion with all of our families and friends about the short life of a toy and the extended life of clothing and college assistance. It worked wonderfully well. My inlaws always bought my children dress clothes and dress winter coats and snowsuits and their wonderful help with college was a God send. The children may not have appreciated the money as tots but believe the college help was well appreciated. Our four childrn were all Blessed by our family help and to this very day remember what theirgrandparents did. Toys would be long gone and forgotten.

Wow, that sounds pretty messy! If your in laws are decent people that aren't going to harm your children, just let go and let your kids have the pleasure of having grandparents. Sometimes you've got to be the bigger person (even if your in-laws don't deserve it). If you want your kids to grow up with the capacity for forgiveness and to value family, you'll have to model it yourself.

First of all, we have 7 beautiful daughters. We have no grandparents that play a role in their lives. My mother-in-law always made jokes about being a drive-by grandmother and that she is. We are lucky to see her on birthdays. It sounds like to me that they are being very petty and you need to ask yourself, is it really worth it to have these things brought to your children because their behaviors will be learned! I don't care what others say they will pick up on all of this. I know that it is family but they have to respect your wishes because you are the ones raising these kids in the end! They will not be standing there dealing with a 16-year-old that thinks they can behave in the same way! You will! So I know that it hurts right now but in the end it is probably best to not have this type of behavior around them. You have to follow what your husband and you have set as rules no matter what every one else feels! I know it hurts to be disowned but eventually the pain gets less and less and you will see your children will be better for it! Just make sure not to air your opinions or what is going on in front of the children! My heart goes out to you, it has been very painful because we have problems on both sides of our families but in the end I have realized that it was for the best and I am greatful that I stood my ground! We are having a difficult time with our 17-year-old but it would be so much worse if my mother-in-law and step mother were in the picture! The Lord gave these children to you not your family and you have to do what is best for them for you are responsible for them and no one else will step in and raise them! Yes, I agree forgive her and let it go so that it is not on you but don't let your rules go, they are your rules! I hope this helps! Just love your children and enjoy them, they are only little for a time and that time goes so fast!

D.....First of all, I don't know what all your "wishes" are. I think you are putting a lot of rules on a simple thing as a BD party. I think you need to chill and probably tell the group you are sorry if you offended anyone. Life is too short to be in a tiff over something trivial. Family is a big deal...you need them and your children need them. Don't cut yourself off. Good luck. You also need to pray about this. M. B.

If you really want this all to get better then YOU need to be the bigger person and not require anything. Her saying she was wrong or apologizing is just making you right and that really doesnt matter. (who cares who is right or wrong) What matters is having peace in the family and love, especially for your children. If I were you I would no longer discuss the situation. All that could be said is said and nothing will change that, so start on a new page, or a new begining. Be the bigger person.

Dear D.,

You might not like my reply, but since you asked for opinions, here's mine.

There's a lot of drama here, for sure. It sounds like you are trying to control more than your fair share of the situation, and that only adds up to a power struggle. Sometimes we just have to accept people for who they are and allow them to express themselves in their own ways.

I agree that sending out mass e-mails to draw others into the drama is inappropriate, but the drama shouldn't have existed in the first place. By insisting on bending your MIL to your will, you are contributing to the fact that she is not a part of her grandchildrens' lives, because you are building a brick wall for her to hit over and over again. Try to accept her as she is. It might not be easy to do, but sometimes it's all we can do in order to move forward. Some of her points are valid, just as some of yours are.

The game of back biting and taking sides is not going to do anyone any good. No one is going to win if someone doesn't realize that you are individuals with your own points of view. One of you will have to be the better person, and be willing to be understanding of your differences.

It's time to put the past in the past, and just make an effort to make a fresh start, and not demand apologies. Let go of the past, and focus on the future for your family. It's the only way to find peace.

Wishing you the best of luck in this unfortunate situation.

I have to agree with several people... You are demanding respect but giving none. Gifts are just that gifts. To dictate to someone regarding gifts is rude. Pick your battles this won't matter in an hour or tomorrow - when it does then you need to say something. If I were you I would apologize and invite them to the party. Don't say anything about it again. Grandparents spoil their grandchildren it's just a fact. Let them do it they enjoy it. I'm sorry to say in this situation you were wrong. She too was wrong for replying to everyone like she did but when you sent a separate email.... Good Luck I hope you can mend the fences

Do not expect an apology. It will NEVER happen and cause a lot of hurt. She knows she was wrong. Please let her save face.
So what if she buys the kids 7 or 25 presents/ toys?
No one says your child has to play with all of them at once. LEt them open them. ...Pick one or two to play put the rest up. when they are done with those donate them and open the other ones.
Don't be so strict and rigid. It is really ok for a grandmother to spoil her grandchildren. Some day you will really understand where she is coming from.Just like with children we must choose our battles with our in-laws and really it does not sound like it was worth all the fuss over someone over indulging your family.
Remember it is your husbands mother and you are making him choose you over her. When she dies he will resent you.
LET IT GO!
I do understand your frustration, but please let it go and mend your relationship. This is really minor in the grand picture of things.

Maybe a lot of the trouble is coming from misunderstandings. A subject that has become this sensitive needs to be handled in person or at least over the phone.....an email can be taken in so many different ways. It does concern me that your family keeps getting disowned. How is that going to make your children feel? How do you explain to them that one week grandma and grandpa like then, but the next they aren't talking to the kids because they are mad at the you and your husband. What extended family does that? I don't know if I would want this type of person in my child's life. Maybe try another face to face meeting and hopefully clear the air. If it doesn't work, let it go, move on and don't keep in touch.

You have lots of great advice here and I am not sure what more I can really add. But I too have been down this road before and a dear friend told me to swallow my pride and take the high road for the benefit of my daughter. I did and I am so grateful I did. It was not easy, I was right but I had to let it go in order to forgive her and move forward. Moving on was for me, and some may say you let her have the upper hand, but in the end my family benefited from the relationship. Moving forward, set some boundries and the first being having such persoanl discussion via e-mail. Good luck, it is hard to give up being right, but sometimes it is the best option.

My goodness you can't control people---let it go and let the children's grand-parents enjoy their grand-children. My opinion is you should apologise to your hubby's mother, with no strings attached. Life is to short to be fighting on what someone buys your children. Let it go , let it go, let it go!!!!

Do you want to be right? Or do you want to repair the relationship? No matter what you do, they are not going to change, you can only change how you approach them. I have many of the same issues with my in-laws, We have chosen to have my husband deal with them. It really cuts down on the drama, because it is coming from their SON, not his wife. Email is tricky, because you can't see the facial expressions or hear the tone of voice of the writer. I am not sorry that we have made the effort, nor for the (many) times that I have bitten my tounge. Now that our son is 10, he sees his grandparents for who ther are, bitter, mean people. My husband and son are responsible for their relationships with them, and no one can blame ME. I tried. It still stings, that they don't care for me and that hurts my husband, but again, we tried. Good luck!

I am going to play the devil's advocate. If you really want to fix things, she probably feels you owe her an apology as much as you think she owes you one. I wouldn't even worry about that-b/c honestly do you want her to say she's sorry just because you want her to? Just because she says it doesn't mean she will mean it.

And if the gift giving is the main issue. Deal with it. My MIL buys my kids an obnoxious ridiculous amount of toys for holidays. So much that last year, we had to put a car top carrier on top of our van to get all the junk home. And it makes me cringe. I would much rather she put all that money in the 529's or for a vacation fun..but she doesn't. So, I quickly take all the things I am sure the kids won't play with or that have too many parts and pieces and put them in a box in the attic. A few times a year, we make a pretty big toy donation (I have 4 kids) to a battered woman's shelter where there a kids living who have NOTHING. And they are pleased as punch.

Good luck, I know that at times dealing with in laws can be very frustrating...but they're there forever. Sometimes you just have to bite your tongue and figure out some other alternative. And if she ever asks what happened to the toys, be honest-maybe then she won't buy so much unneeded junk!

D.,
I have had some problems with my in-laws similar to yours. I found that emailing is the wrong mode of communication in these situations, since emails can be interpreted wrong. Meeting with them face to face might be awkward, but it's necessary to resolve anything. And when you do meet, be patient and listen. Don't judge or point fingers. Do your best to calmly voice your feelings without being rude or disrespectful of their feelings. It's tough, but with a bottle of wine, I seemed to get through it with positive results! These are your in-laws...they will be there forever, so tread lightly.
One more point...you cannot change how they feel or how they act. You can only change how you feel and act. You can't expect someone to apologize if they aren't sorry. And you really don't want them to falsely apologize and then repeat the same behavior. Voice your opinion, listen to theirs, try to make them understand, and then move on. That way, you tried your best and that's all you can do.
Good luck!

On one hand, I can totally understand your situation. My dad and stepmom like to buy all their grandkids nothing but toys and candy. I can understand that your kids don't need all those toys! On the other hand, I think I would just say deal with it. There are lots worse things in the world than too many toys. It kind of seems like things got blown WAY out of proportion by your husbands family. I can't imagine getting disowned just because you asked them not to buy your kids a ton of toys! Are there other issues? I'm guessing so. Basically it sounds to me like you tried to set things straight. It sounds like his family is being terribly unreasonable! Honestly, I would stop with the private communication. You tried, it didn't work. If you want to invite them to things, just send them the exact same invite you send everyone else. If they choose to come (and it doesn't sound like they will) great..if not, well at least you tried! Hang in there...I can only imagine how tough it must be! And above all, don't respond publicly to their slurs against you. That will only fuel the fire.

My mom is the one who wants to shower the kids with gifts. Didn't help to try to tell her to cool it, so I would just seethe. Then I learned that people have different ways to show their love and to feel love. One way is by buying things for others. This clicked for me. Maybe that is how it is for your MIL. By dictating how she spends her money, she may not feel that she can show her love freely. I agree with other posts to just donate the extra gifts away. My children were taught to say thank you for all the gifts they received, even if it was a duplicate or something they didn't like, so the other person's feelings wouldn't be hurt. I would then make it right later. A good lesson for children to learn.
I like the post about telling family/friends that you want the privilege of being Santa. What a great idea!
Good luck to you!
R.

hey girl - i know family situations can be very sticky, but i really think that your children's relationship with their extended family is so much more important than the # of toys bought for them at christmas and birthdays.

I think it just really comes down to do you want to be right and rob your children of the opportunity to have their grandparents be a part of their life, or do you have the ability to be the bigger person and let bygones be bygones for the sake of your kids?

Life is so short, and you never know who will and will not be around tomorrow - you and your husband are the two most influential people in your children's life, and a few extra gifts will not change that. The reprecussions of your children growing up never knowing their grandparents over a few extra gifts could really come back to bite you in a big way.

i'll say some prayers for your family - i wish you the best :)

~T.

She will never say she was sorry, I am sorry to say. We had a similar issue with my husband's mother and words were said and never an I'm sorry was uttered. That has been 30 some years and the boys could care less about her as she has always treated their Dad like he was trash. Very long story there.We live a 2 day drive from them and are lucky to see them once a year. We don't travel cannot afford it and they were the ones to move from Kentucky to South Carolina.If she would have remainded in Cincinnati I think I would be divorced right now. Very controling woman.
I am like you I always wanted our children to get a few toys but mostly clothes for Christmases and Birthdays. What we did was have them to take some of the toys their choice and donate to other children. It worked fine for us and it taught them to be caring to the needs of others.

Forget your demands.
Stop sending emails.
If you can, I would just say that you want to start over.
Now, unless things they do are MORALLY WRONG or ABUSIVE to your children etc., please let your children have a relationship with their grandparents.
My philosophy with my inlaws was, be polite, loving (if you can), agreeable, and when you are home you can do things your own way.
You can always give unneeded gifts (toys) to charity).
Since "everyone" seems to be involved now, you are going to have to ignore a lot, and develop a thick skin.
If things get negative, leave the room.
Do NOT tolerate negative behavior....especially in front of your children.
Make sure your husband is on board with not tolerating negative behavior.
Whatever happened throughout the past year should not be rehashed, it is time to move forward for the sake of your children.

I think emailing is the worst thing you could possibly do. There is no "inflection" in email as there would be in your voice, so no one can tell the spirit in which the email was written - not to mention it is in writing to be saved to read (and get upset about) time after time in the future. Face-to-face would be best, but at least try phoning your mother-in-law. My mother-in-law and I didn't see eye to eye for the first almost 10 years after we married, but I guess she finally realized that I wasn't going anywhere and we get along great now. Being a mother-in-law myself (and having been the daughter-in-law), I can tell you that this kind of friction will only put stress on your marriage. I don't know the whole story, but I can say from experience that I wouldn't appreciate being told how I was to spend MY MONEY on my grandchildren. If you don't like what she buys, keep your mouth shut and return it for something you consider more appropriate after the b-day or Christmas. Good luck -- you're going to need it.

Been there in Indy

I am assuming that the family fued is over more than respecting wishes on gift giving. If these are things you can live with, just let it go. Some things are better off to just overlook them and keep ties with family. Everyone has different beliefs, values and family culture. Everyone is not going to respect our wishes, so we have to find a way to cope with whatever comes up.

My mother starts fights with everyone in the family. I basically just have to let it go and try to make amends with her even though I feel like she gossips, judges, creates drama and makes ill decisions. I talk to family members about my mother and my relationship, and they realize how overreactive, dramatic, gossipy and disrespectful she can be to me, my family and others. I feel the necessity to apologize for her actions and try to mediate fueds she begins. The family always tells me it's not my fault and I shouldn't put so much effort into it. They just say forget about it because they already have.

Honestly, the family probably knows how your mother-in-law treats you, and they will understand any explanation you give them. Most people could care less what happened between you because everyone has disagreements. They probably do not want to get involved anyways. It probably has more to do with that your mother-in-law just draws them into it and expects them to take sides. If your mother-in-law likes to shoot off inflammatory emails, then reply-to-all and leave your mother-in-law out of the email explanation. Just tell them that... "this is not what I meant, she took it out of context, and if they are really concerned they can email or call you back for your side of it. Otherwise, sorry for involving them in the disagreement."

I have run into a similar problem with people giving gifts that I do not approve of. I sabbotage their gift giving a bit. I give out our family's list of wants and needs. If they get things that I do not approve of, then the toy will shortly disappear for one reason or another. Some toys can be exchanged without a receipt. Others can be regifted to others such as friends or Toys-For-Tots. Other toys are surprisingly broken within a week of the kids playing with it... or darn...lol. Other toys can be packed away or given away after the holiday and the kids will not even care. As long as they know the house rules, they will not fight it too much.

My kids know that I do not allow guns, sharp toys like swords, toys that shoot projectiles, movies with foul language, gore or violence. Because of our rules, they do not even question getting rid of those items. They usually bring it to my attention before I even say anything about how they get hurt by those toys and that the violence scares them. My boys are 4 and 5 years old.

Dearest D.. I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. I went through something similar with my ex's family. They were so manipulative. My exhusband refused to stand up for his family because of his mother. In their culture, the mom rules. Well my argument was, I'm the mother now, so my word should mean something.

However, if you want to remain in this family, everybody needs to find some neutral ground and forgive one another. Your mother in law should respect your wishes...after all they are your kids. Disowning people only hurts the kids. And your kids are going to grow up learning hatred and non-forgiveness.

If you can, email everyone again, telling them that you need to have a family meeting. If they refuse, tell them its for the kids sake. Leave the kids with a sitter and have a heart to heart with all of them. It sounds like to me that their is a power struggle in your family. That type of situation never ends well. People in your family need to open up and quit being so judgmental and think about others first.

Wishing you well D.. good luck

M. F

It seems you have caused quite a hornets nest in your family on both sides. You are asking for respect when you are giving none. Instead of being grateful for grandparents that want to buy gifts for your children, you expect to control what those gifts are. Grandparents buy toys, parents buy practical things. Grandparents get to finally buy things for their grandchildren that they couldn't afford to buy for their own children. You owe the entire family an apology for making such a small thing into such a big issue by emailing everyone to air what should have been a non issue to begin with. If your children have too many toys, then just quietly put some of them away until another time, without making such a big deal out of it.

I read through some of the other posts you made on Mamasource and it seems like you've been having problems with your in-laws for awhile now. I was tempted to say that you should just apologize and get over it (you can't tell someone how to give, and in the grand scheme of life, that is not really a huge problem). But it does seem like you've had issues with your husband's family since you told them you were expecting your daughter and that there were other periods where you were both excluded from the family circle.

I guess there are two options. #1 - you were being unreasonable and your MIL and sibs-in-law had every right to be upset and you should apologize to set things right. Or #2 - even if you were unreasonable in your gift demands, your in-laws have some serious issues and the relationship is not worth repairing. Has your husband's family tried to contact you at all in the time since they cut off contact? Did they acknowledge the birth of your new child? Has your MIL shown any interest in repairing her relationship with her grandkids? I do think it is telling that your MIL and sibs-in-law were willing to ostracize not only you, but also your children.

I don't know if your original question really explains your entire situation that well. I suspect there are other things happening and only you know if the relationship if worth salvaging. If, as a whole, you feel contact with your in-laws will be beneficial to your kids, then do attempt to reestablish contact. This will mean, however, admitting you were wrong and pretty much biting your tongue for the rest of your life. But if the good outweighs the bad, then it will be worth it. If you don't feel like a relationship with your in-laws will be good for your kids, then you should pretty much leave things as they are and just move on with what you do have. You don't have to be bitter towards them, but you also don't have to have a relationship with them. Yes, your children will not know one half of their family, but not all family is worth knowing. If those people will make your children feel bad or unwelcome or anything negative, then I'd just leave things as they are and stop trying to initiate contact. Just be the best parents you can be, look to your other family and cultivate friendships that provide you with the love and support your family needs.

Good luck!

How about not communicating via email and try live face to face conversations (if local) or phone calls? I think you are right in attempting to create peace in your family...you only get one, whether you like them or not. Sometimes being the bigger person is extremely tough to do, but if it keeps peace it may be worth it.

Hello! I have an insight to your situation that you can take or leave. I haven't experienced anything QUITE similar, but there was one thing that jumped out at me throughout your description of the situation. It seems to me that email is not the best way for your family to communicate. You kept describing emails that were private or misinterpreted, and it seems to me that the problem is with email communication itself. You all really need to sit down in person and have a conversation. Offer to meet them, in person and resolve to mend things or end things. My bet is that when you are all staring at each other in the same room, you will all decide you want to mend the fence. Heck, bring the baby. If a grandmother can resist a new grandchild, then maybe the woman is crazy and you'd be better off with her out of your children's life. It won't be easy, but I don't see there being any chance you'll resolve the thing through email. Communication can be a tricky thing. But I still think the best communication happens face to face. Hope this helps in some way. Good luck to you.