I have been married thirteen years. My husband and I are totally opposite. Family is everything to me and I enjoy doing things with my family. My husband on the other hand would rather stay at home. Even when I go do things with our boys. Ages 16, 18, 20. Whenever a family member invites us to a family function me and the boys always go but my husband would rather stay at home. It is so embarrasing because I am always having to make something up to my family as to why my husband isn't there. The biggest problem I am having right now is that I am no longer in love with him. Don't get me wrong I do love him but now the way I use to. He likes to drink at least 1 or two beers a day and once it hits Friday he drinks even more. I am not much of a drinker. I don't mind when we are out socializing. He is so hooked on his computer games, playing music and drawing. I understand he enjoys doing these things but he is in the garage starting Friday night. He is in there all night till about 5 or 6am next morning. Sometimes even during the week. I go to bed alone almost every day. We hardly even hang out on the weekends. He'd rather be in the garage on the computer or doing whatever. This has pushed me away. I feel like we are not even a married couple, we are just two people living in the same household. I have even told him how I feel and he promises me he is going to change but he is like a broken record saying the same thing over and over and not changing. Well, he'll do good for a weekend and then continue on his bad routine. I have been going through this with him for a few years now. I get so depressed and I cry myself to sleep sometimes. I feel like he is never going to change. He doesn't give me all the love I need. The good thing is that he is not an abusive person. We have no kids together. Although I really want to have one of my own. Unfortunately I have had fertility problems and havnt been able to get pregant. Sometimes I wonder if this is a sign that we are not meant to be together. Why bring another child of his into this world when he doesn't even spend time with the ones he has already. I am so confused. I want to leave him but at the same time I don't. I'm scared I will be alone. Sorry this is so long.
I just want to thank everybody who responded to my request. Everybody had some good advice to share. I think I may stick it out a little longer. One person suggested maybe showing some interest in the things he is interested in. I never really thought about that. I guess I have just gotten use to doing my own thing since he is always in his own world. I'm gonna give it a try. I think I need to sit down and have a serious talk with him again without crying or getting mad. I guess the bottom line is that if we are meant to be together, God will make it happen.
hmmm. From the sound of it, it seems that his actions are pretty selfish...it shouldn't matter if he doesn't always "want" to go it should matter if it's important to his sons and his wife. With that said, i can't imagine how you must feel. I would just like to find out if you have a support system around you?
B.
I am so sorry that you are going through so much. I cannot beleive that you were just a child yourself, 18 years old, at the time you met your husband. I have to ask the question why you are still a stay at home mom given the fact that the children are essentially the same age as you were when you began raising them. It sounds that you are stiffeled and that you have given up everything to be with this person. Although immensely painful and extraordinarily difficult, it is porbably time to live the life you always deserved.
Good luck. Understand that any change is a difficult one but one from which you will grow
If you are set on leaving, you've got until the youngest is 18-stick it out a couple more years.
In the mean time, go to work to try to repair things. It took a while to unravel and will take time to get it back.
Have you had a heart to heart with him, without getting emotional or accusing, etc. Was he always like this and it is just finally getting to you? Have you been the kind of woman he wants to be with-one free of nagging and critisizing, loving and nurturing. Think back to how it was when you were dating. Be his girlfriend again.
Why not get out there in the garage with him? Show some interest in what he does. Learn about his music, etc. Maybe you two could sign up for a drawing class together. Or just take a book or magazine out and BE in the same room with him. When he sees you making an effort, he's likely to follow suit.
Set up date night once a month. Take turns picking where to go so you will both learn about each others interests. Take time to fall in love and know each other again.
Turn on the charm and the lovey dovey stuff. You'll get back on track.
I highly suggest reading The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands and the Proper Care and Feeding of Marraige by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.
Good luck and I hope this troubled time passes quickly. don't give up the fight for your marraige.
Hi H.. My heart goes out to you. While reading your post, all I could think of was my Mom and Dad. They divorced when I was 12 years old, and like you, I am 32 now. I remember Dad always wanted to stay home and now I think it was to drink. He was an alcoholic. My Mom now tells me she left mainly because he neglected her. He never wanted to go out, just stay home. I understand now their differences and they seem to be better off people without one another. It's a hard choice. I still don't believe divorce is the answer. Do all you can do to make it work and then decide. Take care. I pray things get better.
You started out young raising kids that are not your own. He should feel blessed to have you in his and his childrens lives all these years. A good marriage is lot's of work and worth all the time and effort you put into it. Go back to school or get a job so you start to stand on your own 2 feet and tell him you have 2 more years until the 16 year old is 18 to devote to him and him to you to see if this is meant to be. That you are still young and want a good marriage and that this is the last chance that there is no 2 weeks good then back to normal. You have to tell him what you want and need and vice versa and every morning when each of you wake up it is your job to make the other happy even when we don't feel like it, you will end up having more good days then bad and truly fall in love again. If nothing changes get out of your husbands life not the kids. Find your sole mate. Continue to mother your step children and have your own or adopt or do foster care if that is what you want. You are still young and have done so much for him and the children so once your youngest is 18 it is your turn to be happy with or without him. Best of Luck
Hi H. M i understand perfectly what you going threw and to tell you one thing i pass the same situation and i get a divorce 3 years ago and i will never regret it, i find another person who love me so much and fall in love like crazy and last for 2 years then turn in to a nightmare but the first year was the most wonderful year i ever had in my life, i lean my lesson and now am alone, but now i know that i need to find the right person not just anybody who i think is going to make me happy at this times no one wants a serious relationships they just want fun and pleasure that man you have there he eather love you or not depending of his actions and to me he think hes doing ok, you need to talk seriously with him if he let you go he dont love if he cares for you he will be there for you.
and you as to take it and let it go, you still young and you will find the right person for you who will give you the love and energy you need to live and be happy, i will recomend you to buy a book from miguel ruiz the mastery of love. it will help you a lot to learn about your self, we dont need anyone by our side to have love.
trust me been crying and crying a lot for the past year for this other person who doesnt deserve me at all.
i i wish i cant help you more the same scenario you said about your husband i spend 17yrs of marriage wasting my time like that and he never change so forget it am full of life so we need someone who can actually give me life too and good energy.
Take care
Ana
this is the first time i ever been in this site when i open my email and start reading your story grab my attention.
Hi H.,
So sorry you are going through this. I went through a rough period with my hubby as well, but that is just what it was! It took work to fix it. I don't believe divorce is a solution for something like this. I think throughout the course of a relationship people fall in and out of love. It takes ALOT of work to keep things going, but I feel it is worth it. I really think you guys need counceling. I don't know if you have looked at it this way, but he is probably feeling the same way as you if he is retreating to the garage. You really need to sit down with him and discuss saving your marriage. Sometimes guys just put things off because it is easier than dealing with it, but if you let him know how serious it is, as you have to us, I think he make wake up. I really hope you can resolve things. Best of luck to you and again I am so sorry you are going through this. I really can relate, I felt like my hubby's room mate for a long time before I spoke up. If you ever want to chat feel free to P.M. me. : ) Do you attend a church where they have marriage counceling? Just a thought.
H.,
I hate to be the one to tell you but you know in your heart of heart that your husband is not going to change his ways. I went through the same situation as you. I filed for divorce last August and moved out in November. I have my moments in wondering if I did the best thing for me and my children but I do believe that I have. I'm so much happier and my children are much younger than your sons, so they have their moments. Your sons should be more understanding of your situation. They are not blind to the fact that you try and he's not. Do it for you and be happy, it's the best thing you can do for yourself. Good Luck!!!
This is so common. I wouldn't know what to do either. But I do want to remind you to please take care of you. From my own experience, I know that in situations like this it is really easy for you to internalize the hurt, anger and frustration. Know that there is nothing wrong with you. Know that you need to find ways to fulfill what you need to be happy. Don't wait around for him to do this. Good Luck :>
H.,
I'm so sorry to hear that you are having lonely issues, I was their myself.
First - No one can tell you when enough is enough.
Second - You can't change him you can only change yourself.
Third - Is this really the person that you married? or is this just who he has become? Have you told him that you don't like the new him and that you are lonely and you really would like to be with him and be a part of his and his kids lifes, but that you can't go on like this anymore.
My hubby and I didn't have the drinking problem. But what I have come to understand is this: When dating we pamper each other we do sweet things for each other (Mostly us women) we want to show our men how great we are so that they will want us. Then the kids happen and as women we see that they need more help then this grown up man. Kids need love & huggs, homework, play dates, sports, and so much more. So all our attention goes to them. Our sweet hubby's get but in the closet (so to speak). Then one day the kids are less work, and don't need our help anymore so we go to the closet to get out our wonderful hubby and guess what he's changed. He has started up his own hobbies and dealed with the loneliness his way. And is clueless to why we suddenly want his attention. We really can't blame them even though I did for a long time. Until I asked God to write the answer on the wall because I wasn't getting what I was suppost to learn from this. I had talked to my friends Hubby one day they were having issues also. That's when all this fell out of my mouth, after talking to him I went and prayed to thank the lord for writing it on the wall (so to speak). I finally understood why my hubby wanted nothing to do with me. So we had a big talk about the things that bothered me and the things that bother him. And agreed to work on this together. We started to do date nights every week, weather it's going to ice cream for an hour, or running arrands together where we were together in the car holding hands and talking. Remember we don't always have to talk this is why we married this person, because we could stand the silent times between us. When he was watching tv I would watch it with him and only talk about the show or what's on tv now days. This way he doesn't think that you are taking over his show with noise talk. Simply start butting yourself back in his life, not pushy though, he needs to get use to this slowly. (It's like having an island all to yourself then one day someone else gets stranded on your island and they start telling you to change everthing you have done for years to their way)(even though you know it won't work that way because you have tried it already). As far as going to family gatherings and anywhere else, stop lieing for him, it's him that looks bad not you. Simply say he's at home and didn't want to come. If they keep bugging you for info, say "you'll need to talk to him about that". Leave it at that. As for the drinking tell him that you would like to enjoy his company on your date night without him drinking because you miss the real him. There are alot of things that my hubby misses out on, because he doesn't want to leave the tv or computer. But Remember the 3 things at the begining. You can't change him just yourself, so be proud that you have become a great mother to his kids, and that you hold all these great memories. When you are dieing they will be their for you, when dad is dieing they'll remember how much giving he gave. He can change this fait. Hopefully when things are better between the 2 of you he'll open his eyes to his kids too. My hubby has always gone to the kids functions, but not been open to conversation with them so he really doesn't know them. I have noticed that he is finally after 2 years opening the doors of communication with them. I told him a few weeks ago after he had read my oldest's text about how she hates him. He said " I can't wait till she is 18 then she can get out, how ungreatful she is". I said, you need to think about this before saying anything to her. Because it matters to me, I want our kids to love home, I want them to come here for holiday's with their families. Do you really want our family to end like yours where we don't want to be with your mom because of the things she's done. He thought about it for 5 days then asked me to supervise his meeting with both his daughters, so we had a meeting, it went great everyone cryed and everyone is working on their part. Best of luck to you. This won't be easy just take it slow and move yourself in with him slowly. See if it works and let me know. Pray before and after for his eyes to be opened.J. (my prayers are with you)
