Romantic Ideas for Helping Marriage Through Difficult Time

One thing my husband has done for me that is fast and inexpensive...He wrote on tiny fortune-cookie sized papers, "I love you. Tim." I think he did something like 30 of them. Then he hid them all over the house for me to find: one in my jewelry box, one under my hairbrush, one under my cell phone charger...You get the idea.

What I did for him was that I took a piece of paper and titled it, "Why I Love You." Then I listed little things he does that I appreciate but don't always say so. For example: "You always say 'I love you' before you walk out the front door. OR "You help fold laundry no matter how tired you are after work." It's a lot easier when you are happy with him but takes a lot more thought when you are feeling crabby.

Ok this is going to sound NUTS.. so that out of the way let me tell you my so far so good marriage secret.. :P My Husband and I take a shower together every night or morning.. thats it.. lol! that is the time we have each others undivided attention, no kids, no phone, t.v, nothing but us.

My sister and brother in law were having closeness issues and I told her the same thing, she went to her husband and said ok.. we dont have much time for talkin, and we both bathe daily LOL.. so we have to make a pact to bathe together. at first it seems odd to them, but after a couple days she told me they were talking about themselves to each other again! go figure.. not the kids or school or whats for dinner.. but how ya doing kind of things.. Its something no person can say we dont have time for that!

My husband and I have remained best friends because of this ritual through our 19 and 16 year old kids drama and needs, the dogs, the bills everything else. It always brings a good calming to the day, our time to center if you will. Its always a good place for that needed shoulder rub too!
Once you learn to depend on your daily time together with each other again, other things will fall into place, and the Looking for activities may not matter so much, because remember its not the things you do with your time, but the times that take your breath away that matter!
Good luck refinding your best friend and lover!

The other thing I want to say is this, sometime the best therapy is to write, or have a mediator.. but what we do in my family is and was the best thing for communication ever..

Shopping list :)

2 large notebooks in varied colors on the outside of each on you need to write who its for

Notebook 1= You and your Husbands names

Notebook 2= Mom, Dad, each kids name

The first notebook should be placed in your bedroom in a private place

The Second notebook is to be placed in the family room for all to access

In your private notebook with your husband on the inside cover glue a copy of a picture of each of you as close to the date you met as possible. One the very first page, write the story of how you met him, page two should be his version of the meeting. He should not read yours first :) you should sit down after he is done and write on the back of your first page, all of the reasons you fell madly in love with that man of yours, include as many details as possible Example.. his eyes, his funny way of doing this and that, his compassion....... later he will do the same on the back of his page 2 for you..
First night after completion.... go to your room together, get him a cold beer or whatever you both like, set the room up so neither of you will need to leave for a good hour or 2. Make sure the kids are settled in other words. get comfortable together and open the notebook between you. Read the passages together, taking time to laugh and discuss whatever parts you want! Whew sounds like alot of work but well worth it.. for the rest of that night just see where it leads :)
After that day every day try to write your true thoughs, feelings, questions in it to him and he should of course do the same. Make sure you close it daily on a good positive note and when you are very angry, go back and read your page 1 before you write. Soon you will see the man you fell in love with more often :) this in combination with the baths have kept my husband and I very very close. And we all know that leads to intimacy...

The other notebook is same principle, for everone in the family to write to all the others daily, to keep everyone informed about issues, and just lives in general. I suggest calling a family meeting once a week to go over it all..

Good luck hun, and feel free to private message me if you need clarification :)))

Good Morning;

You already know the problem, why spend money with a counselor when you "Know" the problem! You left out the ages of your children which can have a big bearing on your situation.
Us men are sort of like "Robots"! Sorry to sound so plain but
it is the truth. We some times feel neglected when we are doing our best to try and provide for our family. We marry because we do not feel we can live without the person we marry, then here comes a couple of rug rats that take all that person we loves attention.
Arguments and fighting over "Nothing" is really a total waste of both of your times and as you said, things are said that you don't mean but it is said to "hurt" the other person or
to win the argument.
You said you've been married for 15 years so I have to guess that the kids are both under 15. Get their little butts out
of the house and even if you don't feel like it, dress up in
a french maid outfit and have an evening of "Special" sex.
That's just a short term cure. What you really need to do is
start making him "Feel" special again, the way you did the first years of your marriage. I think that if you put the effort out to make him feel special, he then in turn will start to make you "Feel" special also!
Marriage is a 75-25 deal. You give 75 and expect to receive 25.
All marriages go thru rough times, quit looking at your husband as the man he is today and think of him as the knight in shinning armour that you fell in love with 16 years or so ago!
A man that is about to celebrate his 51st anniversary!
B. C

I got pregnant our first year of marriage and while I was pregnant I couldn't stand the smell of my husband. Not good for a first year of marriage. I didn't want to be near him. One thing we did to help us get through this was we each made a list of 10 things the other person could do to show that they loved us. I don't remember if we chose 3 things a day off the list or 3 things a week but we had to make sure that we chose 3 and did them. For example, I wrote, one way I feel you love me is when you surprise me with a note or call me out of the blue just to talk. Women tend to feel love through actions and words when men tend to feel love through physical contact. My husband felt loved when I would come up and kiss him for no reason or if I initiated sex. Anyway, we all have different ways of communicating love and this is a great way to reconnect. Do this for about a month and see how things go.
I also recommend reading the books by Dr. Laura, "The proper care and feeding of your husband" and "The proper care and feeding of your marriage."
I found these books very helpful.

The book Love and Respect speaks directly to what you're describing. It's hard to get out of that cycle when resentment builds and you don't truly forgive.

I really hope that the new intimacy that you can find together once you break down those walls will show you how well worth it even your current pain is.

Take good care.

I highly recommend the books Love and Repect and Breaking The Communication Code by Dr. Eggerich (sp?). But, if you can get to one of his live conferences - that would be even better. He addresses exactly what you are going through, which many are going through, including my husband and I. He hits the nail on the head and has simple, effective answers. Most men won't read, or read along with you which is why I recommend the conference. You both will be listening and have a chance to talk about it. He doesn't bash men either - which many marriage conferences do and therefore men don't want to go. He's very balanced and shows both sides which is eye opening to many. It was to us. We still don't fight correctly - but we are working on it. He has opened our eyes to how we are talking to each other and how it is being received which keeps that bad ball rolling. My husband and I both now really watch what we say and when we mess up, we realize it ourselves usually since the conference and can fix it since we are more aware of how the other perceived it. I highly recommend both books and especially the conference for what you are describing!!!!! It's worth whatever money it takes to get you there - and hey- if it's out of town, make a mini vacation out of it. My husband and I have been married 14 years and are best friends, so it has been really hard admitting that we aren't getting along or trying as hard. It's still work even when you like each other. Little things add up and become a big thing. Dr. Eggerich explains how this has happened and what to do about it. Humble yourself and start focusing on how you can meet his needs and make him happy. He'll listen much better about your needs when he isn't worrying about his. Show him respect most of all - more than love. It works.

I think all marriages go through something like this when they are long lasting. The key is decide if you really love this man and if you do, then resolve that nothing is going to let you divorce him. Think back to what attracted you to him in the first place, what he was attracted to you. This isnt always easy, but if you really want this man, it becomes easier. I decided to follow basic bible principles... forsaking all others and putting him 'on a pedestal' so to speak. It worked amazingly. When he realizes that you really love him and respect him for the person he is, he will start to do the same for you... maybe in different ways, but it works. My husband and I went through two different times where I thought about just giving up. It would have been easier to just quit, but I love him. Deep down, that was the heart of it all. In our case, he loves golf. I decided I either had to let him play all he wanted and not say anything about how much he went, go with him and drive the cart, or learn to play. He became my coach and best friend again when I asked if I could start playing with him. Our children are older now (20 and 27), but back when this was going on, it was hard to just say... dad and I are going golfing, here is breakfast when you are ready, I have my cell phone if you need me, I love you, see you in a few hours. I know if the children are a lot younger, that is harder, but get a babysitter. Communication and time alone is crucial. I am happy to say we just celebrated our 28th anniversary, we are more in love than ever, and it is fun to watch people who think we are newlyweds!

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Hi,
Looks like you're getting some great advice. I also want to put in a good word for books like, "Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian and "The Five Languages of Love" by Gary Smalley I believe. When I read those books during a rough period it helped us out. One person can do a lot to set things back on the right course. Good churches have plenty of things such as counseling, conferences, retreats, even date nights on special occasions like Valentine's Day. Our marriage has always been better when we've had weekly date nights. Now that I'm in my 50's I realize I was more of the problem than I ever would have dreamed! We all come with such baggage. Often times when we have a problem now I can ask myself how my husband could be feeling disrespected or why I'm feeling unloved because that's our basic need. It may look different but it's the same issue over and over. One other thing that has helped us, is to realize the spiritual aspect of what's going on. God is for marriage, it was His idea. But there's an enemy after everything that is good and right who likes to bring death and destruction. There's been times, as a Christian, I have taken authority over the spirit of disunity and strife has disappeared. Prayer is a powerful force. We went for some individual and couple Inner Healing prayer which made a difference in our marriage. Both looked at old wounds and unmet needs and got healing so they wouldn't continue to cause problems in our present relationships. We still have some issues, I'm still late and it's still upsetting to him! I pray the Lord will direct you and that you will avail yourself of every resource that you need. The help is out there waiting for you!

Look into Mort Fertel, Marriage Fitness. You do the program at home and he helps you focus on falling back in love with each other and not focusing on the past. Hope this helps God Bless.

Hi there! My husband and I were on the verge of getting a divorce in which neither of us wanted. While he has been on deployment I took the time to really go over things in our marraige and found that if I started by changing myself, I could start to see results. I'm not saying it's your fault, I'm saying that you need to start focusing on what you can do about how to start to change your marraige. I also bought a book called Every Man's Marraige at a local christian store to understand marraige better from my husband's point of view. (I did'nt agree with some thins that the wives said, but it really helped in how to talk with my husband.) I gave my husband the book and asked him to read it for the sake of our marraige and told him that I read it as well and will start reading every woman's marraige. Don't get mad if your husband doesn't just start changing thins little by little. Compliment him out of the blue instead of focusing on something negative, talk about things that bother you with him by saying when you do... it hurts my feelings, I was hoping we could talk etc. Listen to what he says even if you don't agree and then repeat what he's said to make sure you understood, like So your saying that.... Sometimes it's what we think we heard and it's all a misunderstanding. I went to counceling myself and tried to focus on building a new me not because I thought it was all my fault by I decided to start by building a better me. My marraige is better than ever, my husband feels he can approach me with things instead of feeling like why bother. We talk and we may not always agree with certain things , but we try to find the compromise that will best suit everyone(again not always easy). Surprise him with something, Like a picnic in the backyard with candles and his favorite meal and thank him for something small. Don't look for something in return all the time but be happy in the moment that you have a memory to cherish. Write out all the things you love about him and keep that list where you can see it and focus on that for right now while you two work things out. I hope this helps. Again I'm not saying this is your fault I'm saying that regardless of the outcome, YOu will have at the very least bettered your self and sometimes that's a good start. If your positive than the men usually follow. But that doesn't mean that your a doormat either, their are great ways to argue constructively without holding grudges and focusing on blame.

i had read ALL the books
this is the one that changed our marriage (of 17 yrs).

http://WWW.amazon.Com/Man-Her-Dreams-Woman-His/dp/0976638819

the change that has come over my husband is nothing short of incredible.

God's best to you!

I don't know where you live, but The Met on Jones road near Grant offers free counseling services. You can check out their website:

http://www.themetonline.org/cgi-bin/index.cgi?section=bible

I don't know where you are located, but lots of churches offer FREE marriage counseling and you don't have to be a "member" of thier church. Good churches want to save marriages, no matter the cost to them. God hates divorce, it says so several times in the Bible. I am in the Conroe area. If you are here also, give me a shout and I can recommend some good churches in the area that have good programs for what you and your husband need.

Have a great day!!
http://www.safer4myrugrats.com

A few yrs ago my husband and I had some difficult times...i decided to get something ( we use a cupid eraser holding a heart) that we hide for the other to find..so when u do get in an argument and u find it u remember how much u love him or her and it puts a smile on ur face...we still hide it today. I have hid it in his tackle box when he has gone with the guys on a fishing trip...he will find it and the guys will ask him why r u smiling... he taped it to the celling above the bathtub so when i was relaxing in the tub I would see it. it is soooo much fun.

The Samaritan Center is a Christian based organization that bases it's fees on ability to pay. I know they have an office at Christ Church United Methodist ###-###-#### in The Woodlands and if you call the church they'll give you the number to the center to make an appointment.
The Five love Languages is also a good book to read to jump start a relationship again. If YOU make the first move and treat HIM the way he needs to be treated, it's AMAZING the results that come out of your effort!!!

I am sorry you are experiencing a difficult time right now. One of the books you might want to pick up is called "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About it" , by Pat Love. Any of her books, books by Harville Hendricks, Pia Mellody, Claudia Black, Melody Beatty...all will help YOU. Basically, what I've discovered, after 27 years of marriage, is that I first must take care of me, my own needs, first. Happiness is an inside job. Respecting myself, believing I'm worth being treated with dignity and respect goes a long way in also respecting my husband. I can ask for a lot of things, but if I'm not willing to reciprocate the respect, it can cause hard times and hard feelings....ie...being on time...Learning how to set boundaries about the way I'm treated is my job, not the other person's job to guess at what I want. Disagreements are part of life. Name calling, etc is hurtful and disrespectful of myself and the other person. Romance...comes and goes. Part and parcel of the life cycle. Raising a family is hard work and yes, you must make time for each other. You've gotten some great feedback already and great suggestions. I hope my comments are helpful also.
Sincerely,
J.

As a single mom of three kids who realizes in retrospect many of the things she did wrong, I have a couple of ideas for you. First of all, you really only can change yourself. The cheapest and easiest changes will be in doing some of the things you already said you know: be on time if it kills you because you know it's important to him. Show him he's important to you by doing as many things as you reasonably can to put him first, like giving him a kiss and some focused attention when he comes through the door after work, cooking his favorite foods, making yourself attractive to him however you can, and being open to sex. You may not see changes right away, and (VERY IMPORTANT) you may even see him act out negatively just to make sure you are serious. But if he does love you, you should see some positive changes in him pretty soon too (that's when you start to get a positive cycle going, rather than the negative one that seems to be going on now). Unfortunately, it's usually the person who sees the need for change that has to take the initiative to humbly make changes for the better that are within their power. I don't mean you need to grovel, but I've known many marriages that have been completely turned around from the brink of disaster with simple techniques like these. I realized all this too late, and I hate to see other people go through it!

Have you ever read "The 5 Love languages"? It is a great book. It sounds like you 2 just forgot how to love each other. This book can better help you how to understand how to love your husband in a way that he will understand. Another good book is "The power of the praying wife". Good luck.

When my husband and I got married 9 years ago, our pastor gave us a book called "As For Me and My House." I absolutely LOVE that book. The most important thing it teaches you is that your marriage is like a child - it needs its own one-on-one attention and nurturing to grow and develop. Sometimes in order to do that we have to just take a step back, look at ourselves, and make adjustments. You can't control or change your husband, so focus on what you can do yourself to make things better. Realize that he's grumpy and try to help him get over it, and let it slide off your back if you want to stay together and move forward. Don't give him a reason to be angry at you, or at least try your darnedest. (Not that you don't do that now) You need to try to shake everything off, go on a date, and start over again.

alot of times your insurance company offers counseling as well as churches.

Hi M. R. -

Scary that I can relate to much of what you say... especially focusing more on the children.... and no date nights!

I'm not sure what Church you go to, our family attends Gateway and they offer a Divorce Prevention program. We heard this couple speak and it was amazing. I think you might benefit from checking into it.

Divorce Prevention
Purpose: To encourage, support and teach couples struggling in their relationships in hope of saving & strengthening their marriage.

Contact: Kay and David Moore, ____@____.com

http://www.gatewaychurch.com/GetConnected/SupportandRecov...

Also, I think you should figure out a weekly date night and just start doing them... even if your hubby is still upset. Sometimes it just takes one small thing to make it all right again!

Best of luck!

Most churches to offer all types of counseling, and especially marriage counseling as they all see it as a sacred covenant not to be entered or left lightly.

There are also marriage retreats of all kinds, through churches, and other places, some are for counseling some to spice up your marriage in other ways...these are usually weekend getaways for the couples where you focus entirely on your relationship.

Other than answering this aspect of your question I am stumped as to how to help you further. I myself have only been married 5 and a half years. We argue as well, but it is usually a tension reliever and shortly afterwards we talk out what is really bothering us so we can work towards resolving the underlying issues.

I wish you and your spouse the best of luck in this difficult time and hope there are moms out there with some terrific advice for you!!! If you would like me to research some of those marriage retreats in your area send me a line and i will see what i can do for you... ;-)

A lot of churches host a counseling like class for couples called Dynamic Marriage. It is an awesome class that looks into every aspect of your marriage very deeply. I would recommend looking into that 100%!

Good luck!

M. R,

I can certainly identify with you from my first marriage. My husband was an alcoholic and we would periodically get into "argumentative periods." My first marriage could not be saved because my ex would NOT stop drinking. I think the main problems (aside from his drinking & altered state) was that (1) we were both stubborn; (2) we each liked to hear ourselves talk MORE than we liked to listen; and (3) we simply got out of the habit of being "kind" to each other. It is really sad how this culture has lost the expectation of civility and courtesy among people -- especially in our own homes (kindness spouse-to-spouse and between parents and children).

But I have been blessed with a second marriage that is so WONDERFUL that it is not like anything I could have ever imagined. You may want to read through some of my other postings to see what ALL of the differences are, but in short, my current husband (who also had some failed past relationships) shares my faith as a Christian.

One HUGE difference that we are experiencing in this marriage is that we are gracious to each other. Spending most of his life in south, my husband has some very "genteel" traits, so he has raised the bar for my behavior to a higher level. I think either of you can raise the bar for each other by treating your spouse with kindness (my husband's gracious behavior has sure made me think before I speak (and I am successfully trying to learn to control my tongue in every way, such as eliminating my "casual" cursing.) Use this online Bible to look up words, like "tongue." www.biblegateway.com Some scriptures (like those about our tongues) will brighten your day just because they provide a laugh (the "language" is funny, when heard in light of today's culture) - but all contain truth. And you can look up scriptures on any topic, here.

1 Peter 3:1 says, "In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior."

I am using the above verse to try to remember to be respectful of my husband, even when we disagree.

Yes, churches do have very good counselors. If your church does not have one, just start visiting counselors at all of the larger churches until you find one you like.

When my current husband started experiencing some depression, we went to a Christian counselor that is in private practice in San Antonio. She charged $90 and hour and I think she was really worth it. I can provide contact info for this counselor if you would like. It does not take too long to change behaviors, if you both work at it. We really LEARNED (1) to LISTEN to ourselves (first); and, then we developed the courtesy and patience to (2) LISTEN to each other. One of the books the counselor had us read is "Why Men Don't Have a Clue and Women Always Need Another Pair of Shoes" by Barbara and Allan Pease. The counselor had us read this book together, each reading gender-appropriate sections OUT LOUD to each other, and discussing the various gender differences in communicating with each other. It is funny and is a wonderful vehicle for re-learning how to communicate with each other. I strongly recommend you and your husband do this.

If you look through any of my other postings, I have shared a lot more. Primarily, we attend Bible studies together and read the Bible together (my husband reads it aloud to us).

Your posting asked for "romantic" ideas. Well, you would be surprised how spiritual intimacy leads to physical intimacy. God is the One who created sex and all of the pleasures of romance. He wants us to enjoy each other fully and completely.

The environment of respect and kindness that you establish in your home, the incredible truths you will uncover when you read the Bible together, and the "transparency" that you develop with each other in a faith-based, Christ-centered marriage are the foundation for the best sex and a more "true intimacy" than many couples will ever experience.

God Bless,
K.

I can relate. We did the counseling thing, and it is expensive. The counselor pointed us to some do-it-yourself resources, though, including realrelationships.com (answers your questions) and familylife.com. Family Life has a marriage retreat called Weekend to Remember that I think will help you get out of your rut. If you need additional counseling, they may be able to hook you up with a good church program, as they are Christian-based. One additional thing I picked up is that you need to show your husband lots of love and affection, even when you don't feel like it. That includes initiating sex and enjoying it. You'll be surprised what a difference that makes in your husband's attitude! Then, he'll be nicer to you, which makes it easier to be nicer to him.

Here is something to try.

http://www.reviveourhearts.com/pdf/30DayChallenge.pdf

You may have to fake it until you make it, but hopefully it is worth it.

C.

some churches do offer counseling, usually larger churches. sometimes it's only for members, but some are available to the community. i have one suggestion for you both to work on. sometime when you are NOT fighting, set aside some time to have a discussion about how to argue or fight so that it is productive, not destructive. some suggestions, (again, do this when you are NOT angry with each other) on how to fight fair 1)no name calling. that goes for both of you. 2) no dragging up ancient history. it isn't productive, and doesn't help solve the problem at hand. once an issue is dealt with and over, it's over. don't drag it up again. 3) don't shut down. this was difficult for my husband and me, he would shut down and not say anything, which only made me madder. 4) discuss, argue, fight, yell (whatever works for you), but as you get over the emotional part then you can have a more productive discussion. keep talking until the issue is resolved, until each of you see the other side. once it's over, it's over. you've come to a solution, make up and go out to dinner.

Hi.

Kindness, compassion, and respect are all contagious. My husband and I went through the "7 year itch" some time ago. We went to a counselor and it made all the difference in the world. We learned some basic relationship survival skills that, still today, help us to get it all back together and remind us that we are the relationship that we both had always dreamed of. These are some of the critical things we learned...

Find 3 things every day that your husband has done that you should "Thank him" for. Whether it was taking out the trash, going to work, or putiing his glass in the sink. Just simply tell him Thank you for ___________.

Compliment him on 3 things everyday, even when you are angry and don't feel like doing so. Tell him his hair looks nice or that his butt looks great in those pants, tell him you love the color of his eyes. We all like to hear compliments and what better person to give them than the love of your life.

Tell him everyday that you love him and find subtle ways to say or show him that you appreciate him. You will notice a signifcant change in your attitude which in turn will inspire a significant change in him, too.

We also learned that you should never, ever say the "D" word unless you intend on calling an attorney the next day. It is not healthy to have the "D" word used so flippantly in a relationship. It should never be a threat and it always creates vulnerability in your relationship.

Hug your husband when he gets home. Kiss him on the lips when he walks in the door-it doesn't have to be a long- drawn-out-wet kiss. Tell him you're glad he's home. Have a hot meal ready for him-it doesn't have to be a five course meal-put something in the crockpot. Call and see if he wants to meet you for lunch. If you can't afford to go out, make him a sandwich at home and sit down with him. Talk with him, and not at him.

It's amazing what love and respect will do for your man, and what he'll do, in turn, for you.

I wrote this to the similar request today and I truly think the ideas work. First of all, here is a website that is great! There is one for husbands, too: http://www.the-generous-wife.com/
You can sign up and you'll get a daily tip for a way to be 'generous' to your husband.
I like to do little things for my husband that lets him know how much I LOVE him. Examples: sending cute and/or sexy text messages or emails, putting his favorite candy bar in his briefcase or car to find as a surprise, sending him cards at work, and even just making his favorite dessert. You want to feel valued and so does he!
Good luck!

Hi M., been there done that. Many churches offer counseling. You can only change yourself, the changes in your husband will have to be his idea and his time frame. To my surprise, I found that much of what I was mad at my husband about was a reflection of how bad I felt about myself. The first thing I would do is print out rules for fair fighting. Name calling is out. Change response to "I feel (humiliated, insulted,angry, etc.) when XYZ happens. If the argument hits a raw nerve, you can say I need 15 mins, or half hr, to calm down. It is that person's responsibility to return to the discussion after the time they've requested. Storming out and driving away or not returning for hours is unacceptable. These rules indicate a willingness on both parties to continue to work out a solution together. It is fair to say "I don't know. I need to think about that." My husband is a real on time person. He agreed to dress the 2 youngest children so I could have time to dress, do hair and makeup when we went somewhere so that I could feel better about myself rather than the disheveled, thrown together mess. (That solution came about when I was still dashing around snatching up kids and diaper bags while he sat in the car honking for me to hurry up. I told him I would be glad to get myself ready then get in the car and honk at him while he gathered the children and necessities.LOL) It can work with both parties effort. Your relationship will improve if you think of one thing he is/does that you are thankful for. Not every counselor is a good fit. If one doesn't work, try another.
Idea: One spouse plans the whole date(food, activity, destination)ie: Chinese take out, at the park picnic style. Couples need to Trust that their spouse will make choices that both will enjoy. Peace!

Just start going on mandatory dates once a week. Go to a movie, at least you will have something in common to talk about. Share a soda like you were dating. Eventually move to dinner and a movie, then it will all come together. Spending time talking to each other when the other isn't too distracted by the house or the kids will work wonders for your relationship. Good luck!

I think you are on a good path knowing your weak points for one another. You can't do anything about him but you can with yourself. Don't put your kids first its a good recipe for disaster. The kids know they are strung in between the two of you and trust me its more responsibility to them than fair. They somehow will feel responsible for holding the family together. If you want to put your kids first and make them secure put your marriage first. Your kids will feel secure. They will fall under the safety net. You and your husband standing by each other and them knowing that you are one is the ticket. Your kids are going to grow up one day and you will only have your husband then. If you want your kids to want to stop by then make a home they'll come home to. Get a sitter and you to go out. Sounds funny but when you and your kids see that you two are a tower and that they fall under it they'll be smiling inside. Name calling don't do it. All the negative things anyone ever says to each other sticks more than any good word someone can come back and try to undo. Start thinking of your husband the way you felt when you fell in love. My grandma who was married 66 years when she passed away before my grandfather always said if it want make a hill of beans in two weeks from now don't bring it up and of course she always told us if you can't say something nice then don't say anything. I wish you the best of luck and hope you can cherish each other they way you once did.

Most churches offer counseling. I don't know if you have to be a member of there church or not. You may want to read Power of A Praying Wife. I read that work and it helps with different prays to pray over your husband. YOu know my husband is the same way always remembering the times I am difficult. I have gotten to the point now where I agree with him that I was difficult that time but I ask him to give me another example since them when I acted the same way. I also ask him for the date I did it because if its that important for him to remember I did it then I want the date so that he can see its been awhile. If tells me that he don't remember the date then I tell him its wasn't to important them. You may want to try going out to a nice dinner just the two of you.

Praying for the both of you.
1st of all you can not change him--you can only work on you and pray for him. By your changing in some areas he, will if he wants this marriage to work, will begin to see things differently. It is all perception and your marriage got into a rut--it happens more than not. It is savable and worth it. Begin to understand yelling & name calling does not get you the results you want and only ends up in hurt feelings that often are hard to repair. Start small, pray like it all depends on God and work like it all depends on you. Never give up and be willing to say "I'm sorry" and take responsibility for your part (this is hard for men) and recall what drew you together and why did you get married. I do not believe couples falls out of love--they just do not take care of each other. They don't put each other and their marriage first and along come cute pie/ or Mr. right and it is easier to give up than do anything.

You both owe it to your children.

Blessings for you family

Well if you both don't want a divorce then I would sit down together and set a Date Nite and a Sex night together. My husband and I did this about 5 years ago when we were losing each other and doing those two things alone brought back our communication and we started enjoying each other again. On date night leave the kids at home. But you must stick with this with no excuses to cancel. Another thing maybe try to rekindel things by recreating some of the wonderful times you had together when you were happy with each other. Sometimes just bringing back memories will rekindle things. Pull out those old greating cards, photos and such and sit with a bottle of wine and go over the good memories.

Also there is some good articles on webmd.com about relationships by dr's. Hope this helps.

I know alot of churches do offer couseling. Our pastor at Pflugerville First Baptist Church does counseling sessions, a lot of marriage couseling. I don't know if you have to be a member or not but I don't think you do. I just recently got married and went through premarital counseling with our pastor and one of the things that he said to us was that marriage is about the committment not about love because love will come and go but if the committment is there then the love will rebuild. What I really liked about our sessions is that he didn't tell us what we needed to do to make things work. He told us what we would need to do mentally/see in each other to get through it and then gave examples of what has worked before but we might need to get creative. A friend of mine went through counseling and 2 things that her and her husband were told were to 1 - make a list of all of the reasons they fell in love in the first place and read them back to each other, 2 - when they argued they needed to be in person and needed to hold hands while they argued. That helped her and her husband get through it. Those things may or may not help you and your husband. I don't have a lot of experience in this area but on the romantic side of things I think my husband and I are still somewhat fresh in that area. Tell him you would like to go on out to dinner just the 2 of you and be dressed and ready early. If you being late is a big deal to him then if you are ready early for this date then it's going to catch his attention. With the few spats my husband and I have had I've noticed if I fix something small about myself that normally bothers him then it tends to make a big diffence and sets the mood for the rest of the evening. Hope all works out for you. Good Luck and I'll be praying for you.
M.

Dear M. R

Some of these sound good to me.

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/102751/25_ways_t...

Just so you know, my husband & I have been married for 22 years and have also been through a lot. One of the most important things I have learned as a Christian and a wife is that if you are always focusing on how you feel and what makes you happy you will be miserable. Selflessness is a win-win for everybody. If you are focused on making your husband happy and he is focused on making you happy, you both win. We committed to work together to make our marriage healthy. First and foremost, if you haven't done so yet, commit your life to Christ and begin praying for your husband daily. We counseled with our Pastor who loaned us a book about relationships. It's called "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr. It gives great insight on how each of us feel and respond differently to issues and circumstances, etc. In other words it will help you understand him better and vice versa which will help you both to communicate more effectively. Anything you do will take a commitment from both of you. Also remember, the best gift you can give your children is a healthy marriage. Hope this helps. God bless!

Yes, your church does offer counseling. its the best way, only with God can you make it work. If God is with you who can be against you. You are both making an effort to fix things. thats the first step. Very promising. Good luck.

I just wanted to let you know that your email resonated with me and that you are NOT alone. Right before your email there was another one on the Mamsource page, and it wasn't mine! I, as well as others, can empathize with you. I will be anxious to see what kind of responses you get as it will apply to me as well. My hubby and I come from different backgrounds (he's an only child, Baptist raised, divorced family, me-youngest of 6 with parents married almost 50 yrs before my Daddy died of a rare form of cancer and a Catholic upbringing)which I think really fuels the fire and he just doesn't have the ability to relate. Case in point I have been up with our 18 mo old every night since Wed. and he undoes everything I do in those wee hours, catering to her, picking her up, not exercising tough love when EVERYTHING has been done, diaper check, Tylenol, pats on back, etc. It is very frustrating and I feel you. Best of Luck! You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Hello,
I have been having some similar isues in my marriage of 3 yrs. We were seperated for 6 mos. ayear and a half in, and we are still not totally in the clear. But I have made a decision to give it all that is in me, b/c I want it, I do not want my children to have to see the things we were letting them see or hear the words. There is a sit called Marriage missions and the Generous Wife, They are based on the word of God. I pray that you have accepted Jesus in your life, and ask him to heal YOU, and work on YOU. I am looking to GOD for changing me b/c I can't change my husband , not with sex, food, being a good mother. All I can do is please GOD, and I pray that your heart can do this. I go to Kingdom Life Christian church, it is awesome, the Spirit of GOd is always welcomed and desired and it brings change, We have an awesome marriage ministry called strong for life, you can come alone if your husband is not up for it, but the first thing is to clear any unforgivness, bitterness ans anger from you heart and keep god first.. I will be praying for you. We are going on a fast next week, and during thast time we will be praying for marriages, I will not forget you. Keep in touch if you'd like and we will be having a daughters of sarah conference in Sep. E-mail me for more details. God Bless and stay strong and fight for your marriage. Take Care.