My Husband Asked for a Separation, but I Don't Want That.

Updated on December 13, 2007
C.W. asks from Dallas, TX
8 answers

My husband finally has asked me for a separation. Our son is 18 months old and our sex life has dwindled to once or twice or month because I have prolapsed uterus and sex has been extremely painful for me since giving birth. I just finally figured this out after getting a second opinion from a female OBGYN - thank God I did. But as I said its been a year and a half and he says that he as outgrown our relationship and is not in love with me anymore, that its not just about the lack of sex its that he feels completely disconnected from me and thinks it is time for him to move on. I do not want this - I took my vows very seriously - for better or for worse! I am willing to humble myself to try to work things out, but I know that kissing up to him is not the solution. We've been married for almost 5 years - most of them pretty good - but he claims he's been miserable for 3 years. I'm just looking for overall advice from other moms who've been in this situation. When he looks at me - i see the emptiness and coldness and he's stopped saying I love you for the most part so I think the writing may be on the wall, but I feel like I should fight for our marriage! But how much begging should I do before I just accept it and let him go and prepare for life as a single mom? I'm relying on my faith to get me through but sometimes it just helps to hear other's experiences.

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answers from Dallas on

I am so sorry.
I did have to go through this myself and even though we made it through it...I wouldn't wish it on ANYONE. It was so freaking hard. Love does not necessarily can be rekindled. He may need something from you that you are unaware of..."Outgrown" I don't think so...You have to grow with a relationship. Love does wax and wane. Talk to anyone who has had a 10 year plus marriage. I wouldn't blame you if you gave up. But I hope you find a workable solution for you. You count. Maybe seek a therapist? I am not fond of them, but it could be helpful in determining what he is unhappy about.
Good luck,

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answers from Dallas on

Please please please read Dr. Laura's The Proper Care and Keeping of Husbands. This has SAVED my marriage! I was skeptical and really didn't want to agree with Dr. Laura, but we were on the brink of separating. I read the book, I instituted the changes and a year later, we're celebrating another Christmas with none of the issues we had 12 months ago and so much more happiness.

Give it a go; you've got nothing to lose!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from San Antonio on

First of all my heart goes out to you. Separating is never easy especially when there are children involved. I don't think that you should have to beg him to stay though. I do believe that everyone's situation is different. My husband wanted to separate from me after 10 years of being married and three children, now 11, 9, and 8. I was hurt at first and tried to work it out but it never got any better. Then I realized I cannot change who I am for no one person. I looked long and hard in the mirror and realized I love ME just the way I am and I know I've given him the best of me so obviously there's nothing wrong with me. So eventually I let him go and it was hard at first but I got used to it and I was okay. Later on I found out that he had a child with another woman. So ultimately I came to the conclusion that he didn't deserve me anyway. Now here we are a couple of years later and no, we never did divorce and he wants me back. The grass wasn't so green over there like he expexted it to be. I am dating again now and have totally moved on from him and now working on my divorce. I don't encourage the breaking up of families but if he looks at you the way you say he does then maybe you should just try to let go because in the end he's gonna end up resenting you and I don't see it getting any better if he's already looking at you different. Hope this helps. God Bless You and I hope everything turns out okay.



answers from McAllen on

hi C. i'm so sorry, i know how hard it is. unfortunately guys are retarded and horn dogs. my husband cheated on me via internet. i noticed you have received alot of responses about cheating. and i agree with whoever wrote that love just doesn't dies. there is a problem deeper than you think. you should go for help. i do not want to say he's cheating on you but i can asure you that sex has to do with it at least. if i give you this kind of advice is because i am open to the subject of sex, who doesn't like it? I do ofcourse, let me suggest that there are other options than intercouse. i know you want to satisfy your man in everyway. sweetie, there are lots of ways to do that. go to a store called MY LITTLE SECRET. try something new with him. experiment, have fun, buy a pole whatever rocks his boat honey. keep him wanting more, excited about what you're gonna do next. I know how painful it must be having sex. I went through a similar situation. keep that sex life alive. watch the women's channel at night there is a show let's talk about sex or something like that(with that old lady) you know. talk to him, communicate, what is it that HE wants. you will be surprised what guys are into. open up, be courageous, spontaneous. i know sex isn't everything, sex should be intimate, and by intimate i mean to open up to each other, to explore, to hold, to care for. love is a friendship on fire. i think you need to reconcile with your best friend. communication is key.



answers from Dallas on

any chance he would consider counseling? I highly recommend Dr. Paul Bowles; his office is on Hillcrest near 635. It can get very hard to have the desire to communicate with a mate when a woman is juggling childcare and jobs; there may be a lot of hidden issues. Dr. Bowles used to be a minister; his counseling is family oriented but he does not "push" religion. He teaches communication tools that are useful beyond the marriage - very useful in work and management as well - that could be a selling point to your husband. I can't say that I would recommend begging - I doubt that will contribute anything to solving your problems. I would admit that your marriage has issues that have gone untended, suggest that you would very much like to at least try counseling and give it a minimum time period. If he absolutely will not consider counseling, then there's probably not a lot you can do to save your marriage. You might mention that, if nothing else, the counseling could assist you in dealing with your children through the separation/potential divorce. good luck; pray for guidance and wisdom.



answers from Dallas on

Dear C.:

I am so so sorry. I agree with Sandy and kissing up is not going to change his feelings or make you feel better about yourself. Go to counseling with or without him as it will help you get through whatever lies ahead.

You are in my prayers,




answers from Dallas on

C. I am so sorry.
I hope that you all will get counseling as a couple. AND if he won't, please get some for yourself.
Having a child changes marraige and perhaps your husband didn't realize how much. Maybe you didn't either. But I believe you can get back to where you were. OR find peace about your situation.
Don't give up on your marraige. But mostly, don't give up on yourself. If he is determined, there may not be anything you can do.
My husband was unfaithful for over a year. It was internet-based and not physical, but it was emotional cheating and it was a hard thing for us to get past. After I had my son, our marraige started to crumble. I wasn't as attentive to him and my child was sickly so he got all my attention. Plus, I worked! Anyway, I had to say to our counselor... "I know I had a role in this", and we worked it out. Our love is stronger and better than ever. There is HOPE!
Find a Christian counselor through your church. If you want to email me, I'm happy to talk offline.
I wish you many blessings.
Good luck!



answers from Dallas on

Considering you have a small child, he should really agree to counseling. That is what I would ask for. You may decide that he is right and you feel the same or he may see things different. Life with a child makes you a totally different woman and a man doesn't always change as quickly as hormones from pregnancy change us. They usually progress to change over time. With my first born, I felt like I aged 5 yrs from the time I went in to have him until they took me to my room. However, I went home with this goofy kid I was married to LOL... and the first year with the baby is exciting and you both are pulled in several directions and then things calm down and you tend to look at each other like "who are you?" That is what happened with us anyway. We have been marriend nearly 14 yrs now, and it has its bumps, but what relationships don't?

If he has been so unhappy for 3 years, why make a child? and what is a few months of counseling to him? If indeed a split is what works best it could help you both do it in away that is good for both of you and the baby instead of hostile. That is never good for the child and if he leaves like this, you will be hostile. At least then, you can both say we tried before we threw in the towel.

Good luck...

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