In-Law's

My MIL is not as bad as this, but I've come to realize that's it's hard for the husband's mom to realize her place in the family. She is no longer the "mom"...she is the grandma. My MIL was just used to controlling everyone, being listened to, & everyone following her rules. Now she is having to learn her place. Good luck!

hi stephanie! im so sorry to hear about your m.i.l. what a drag...my father always says to me "do you want to win the battle or the war" when i get frustrated w/people (like my inlaws)...unfortunately, she probably won't come around, and by leaving the house before she arrives and staying away until she leaves is only hurting YOUR precious family and giving her what she wants!! don't allow her to come in between your husband and you...so, your husband wants her to watch your son at your house...see it like this "great! we have free childcare" and be there with a smile on when she arrives...then get there as soon as you can so you can have more time w/your son! tell her "oh thankyou SO much for taking him today!" it would seem that she finds pleasure in making you unhappy...so, don't allow her to do that or to run you out of your home...maybe she does want her son to leave you...let her see you for the wonderful person you are, be the bigger more gracious person, thus winning the war...b/c when you are this way, she cannot come inbetween you and your husband! of course you will have to have boundaries...and of course she will try to make life difficult...but, the bigger question is "do you want her to steal your happiness?" your husband married you not her! easier said than done, i know! good luck.

Your mom-in-law is definitely trying to control everything. Her aside,your husband needs to stand up to his Mom and tell her she is not welcome in his home if she chooses to dis-respect his wife.(you) YOU have as much say as he does when it comes to who cares for your child. And staying with someone who badmouths you is not the best thing for your son. I am sorry but your husband needs to grow up and put his Mother in her place. You just need to put your foot down and say you will not allow her to watch him anymore unless she has a total change of attitude. Good Luck and be strong.

Dear Stephanie,
First and foremost, you have to be true to yourself. I know I have allowed myself to be directed by guilt and in the long run it has always been a bad choice even though at first it seems like the easier thing to do.
I want you tou know about Relationship Rich which would be for you and your husband. You both deserve to be a team in your marriage and to a support for each other. If you feel like there is something wrong then there is!
www.relationshiprich.org and if he will not agree to attend please look at Pathways Core Training for yourself www.gopathways.org or www.createagreatlife.org . It is a great way to get tools to be empowered in you marriage and in your life and all situations and it was one of the things that saved my marriage.
Please call me if you would like to talk about it.
I hope to hear from you. ____@____.com

I wouldn't let a TOXIC person take care of my child if I had a choice. Toxic people Poison the minds of children. If you feel stuck then fill your house with cameras with volume and make sure she's not filling your child with her views of you. If she is then when your husband see it then he should start taking him back to daycare.
Good Luck and Brightest Blessings.

Sorry, but this is going to come down to an issue between yourself and your husband. He cannot sit back like he's watching a tennis match between his wife and mother. I would recommend sitting down with him and going over a list of suggested firm (and I mean FIRM) boundaries for his mother. Once you have his agreement, and it may have to happen gradually, HE is the one who needs to talk to her about this.

He's not going to want to do this, by the way. But he didn't marry a new mother - you're his wife, and the relationship is different. As long he is going to allow MIL into your daily lives, there must be some very firm ground rules set.

She sounds like a true nightmare. I'm sorry.

Although this needs said face to face, try writing a letter & have your husband give it to her,and tell her everyone should be concerned about a healthy upbringing for your son, and that also means verbal things, and bashing you or your family isn't healthy. How she feels about you should be kept to herself, as you love her son, and your child, and want a healthy atsmophere, and a mentally healthy relationship with grandmothers. Ask her how she would like the situation if it were reversed. And why is your husband allowing his mom to bash You, or did I understand the letter correct? I would feel a little leary of her being the (daycare) under the circumstances also, if she should feed uglyness in the household. Letting her see a grand child is different than taking care of him if she causes trouble.

Hello Stephanie!
I have been married to my husband for almost 6 years. My mother in law have the same kind of relationship you are explaining. Except I just do NOT let her keep my kids. I know it is very hard to do but I just had to put my foot down to my husband and help him realize how hurtful his mother has been. I have tried on numerous occasions to make things right with her but it just does not happen. I really think that you need to talk to your husband and make him understand what you are going through and how you feel. It sounds very stressful. I wish you the best of luck!

1. Is there any reason you couldn't take him to daycare on your way to work?
2. Is there a reason your husband is siding with his mother over you?

My MIL is an awesome woman - she doesn't help in the grandma capacity, but she sure doesn't talk about me - to my face or behind my back. My husband wouldn't put up with it if she did. For that matter, neither would I.

Does your husband want a divorce? Is this some kind of passive - aggressive stance from him to get you to say, "It stops or I'm out of here"? If it is, then the two of you need counseling - not daycare advice. If it's not, then he needs to realize that that is where he is pushing you (if it is in fact where it is headed), and the two of you - again - need counseling in addition to daycare advice.

Is there a reason you can't stay at home? I am not being sarcastic - I swear.. between the cost of daycare, work clothes, and a second car, you may find you're working for a buck or two an hour.. and lots of times you can make that with part time work around your husband's schedule (presto, no daycare).

Barring that, I'd suggest a serious sit down talk with your MIL. Among talking points that you come up with, I suggest:
1. I know you love my husband and our son, and I don't want to discourage that relationship - but just as you would not put up with someone speaking untruthfully about you, I will not tolerate you talking poorly about me - especially to my son.
2. Lady, I am in this for the long term. Attempting to break up my marriage is likely to result ONLY in stress for your son, and should it work - it will result in your son (and you) only getting to see junior on the 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekend of the month + wednesdays. I don't want that. Not for my son, not for my marriage. I assume you feel the same way.

Those two points agreed upon, we need to come up with some ground rules so that you and I can create a doable relationship for both of us, so that we do not cause unwanted strain on the two of the most important guys in our lives.

Feel me? :)

S.

Dear Stephanie B,

Poor thing! You must be very frustrated. I know I would be. I suggest that you have a serious talk with your husband and then perhaps your mother-in-law. Most likely, you should suggest to your husband that you find alternative childcare. You didn't say where you live, but there must be more than one daycare somewhere nearby. Perhaps there are in home daycare opportunities as well. No matter what, you can't continue the way things are. I know your child is young, but soon he will be feeling the stress of the situation too.

You can be strong and assertive! I know you can. Now, just do it!

Deb D

Sometime first time daddies can be as over bearing as first time mommies. As far as your mother-in-law....I don't know what to tell you. But I feel your pain. Just continue to be the best mom and loving wife and take the high road. Eventually, she will fall into her own trap. I don't like it when anyone tells a woman she isn't a good mom, especially when it's their first baby. But your mother-in-law is a better option than day care. I've put my kids in day for a month or two and it was just bad. Don't let this bitterness for her destroy you and your family.

I agree with Heather B. I had some problems with my MIL, but we talked and things are much better. The biggest help I found was praying for my MIL. It helped me to understand her so I could speak to her in a way she could understand and that wouldnt offend her. Once a person is offended they are no longer listening. Is it possible for you to stay home with your baby? Do you have a stay at home mom friend who could keep him? I would NOT leave my kids with someone I didnt completely trust. I certainly would not leave my child with someone who doesnt love and respect me. Those feelings and behaviors that person has will be seen and felt by your son. I believe that the way someone feels about me can affect the way they take care of my children.

If your husband is not happy with daycare, and I had two children, one in day care who thrived!! and one who had a nanny and thrived!! so in my opinion the no daycare slams are just not always applicable - hire a nanny to provide child care in your home. Period. I am having trouble understanding the issues here. YOU MIL wants to keep your child, she undermines you in your own home and your spouse is Ok with this? HMMM, put your foot down baby girl. On his neck if you have to. If you are REALLY SURE
your MIL is not the injured party and you not acting out of fear and jealousy, you need to act. Do not leave early, do not come home late. This is what she needs you to do. This makes her the de facto woman of the house. Take a stand, set your rules of the house, and abide by them .Hire the nanny yourself, pay the salary out of your salary, and make it clear to the nanny she answers only to you. Then discuss with your husband what YOU can handle. One last little thing- your husband's gender DOES NOT mean he gets to tell you what he can handle with the expectation you just have to adjust. That is just BS... you need to work together as partners on a compromise that will restore peace in the family. Depending on the situation this can get loud and rowdy. Just remember, the most important thing you will ever do is be married, and marriage is hard work. By the way, when you hire the nanny do not argue or scream. Smile, be firm, and take a vacation day or two to get the household settled. Keep in mind your husband has seen you abdicate all responsibility
to him and his mother. He may be in shock, and threaten. This is Texas where motherhood is considered sacred - remind them both of that, and take your place as your child's mother. Your husband does not sound like a gentle reminder of his mothers place in his life
will work- remind him of yours.

Hello Stephanie,
Open and gentle communication with your husband is very important. Your husband knows that he'll always have allies at his mother's house with her and his divorced siblings. Try to reassure him that you're his wife, friend and ally and you want to keep your marriage and family strong. Remind him that you are his partner in life, not his enemy (as his mother may be subconsciously promoting by suggesting that you are the reason he has no peace.) From your description, it doesn't sound like she's a strong supporter of healthy marriages. Her own marriage failed and the environment in her home hasn't helped your husband's siblings either. Frankly, that whole situation sounds disfunctional and pitiful.
Honestly, you and your husband should consider counseling from someone outside your circle of friends and family. An objective outsider trained to counsel couples could help your husband see that his mother's influence over her adult children is unhealthy. A counselor could also help you sort out your feelings of stress and guilt. Even if your husband doesn't agree to attend with you, I believe you would benefit from some counseling. Hopefully he will consider outside support.
Where to go from here? Churches are free even if your not a member. They are happy to assist, even if it is pointing you to other resources. Or try an internet search for family therapists within your geography. Your family is worth the investment.
Lastly, don't wait for your situation to get better on its own. It may not if your mother is actively trying to weaken your marriage. Be proactive about the emotional health of your family and marriage. Your husband will recognize that you are working for your marriage, not against it like his mother may be.
Wishing you happiness and peace in your home,
S. C

Most important is you and your husbands relationship. Ask your husband to help you out by confronting your M.i.L about situations that arise, and ask him to 'take your side' in front of M.i.L. Let him know you need his support.

As long as she treats your son good, the mother-in-law is and should be a part of his life, while she is still alive (no pun intended;) ) Usually when a childcare issue comes up, the most conservative approach is best, and maybe she, being a family member, is the most conservative approach for you guys.

You do not 'need' to like her, but somehow, in your mind, come to terms with her. It depends on your personality as to how to cope best. Maybe humor is you thing...actually picture her in her underwear or (in your mind only) make jokes about her mental health.) Or maybe compassion is your thing...try to 'feel for her', realizing that she has lived a life before your husband was even born, and who knows what obsticales she faced that made her into the person she is today, and think about how sad it is that she has to live with herself. Maybe stress managment is your thing...excersice to relieve the tension, or find another healthy source of outlet. It really depends on the way you are created to figure out the way you can cope the best.

It will not 'hurt' your son to ge up 20 minutes early...'you' have more to lose by having to deal with her everyday, so let your husband take your son to her. Put him to be 20 min. earlier at night...

I do feel for you, as this is a very common problem for daughter-in-laws to have to deal with. If you are a person of faith, PRAY for your M.i.L. It can realy change the way you feel towards her, by reshaping your thoughts.

Take Care~

Hi,
First let me say I know this is a very difficult situation and there is never a simple answer. Someone or everyone will have to make decisions and changes if things are going to get better. When a man marries he is to leave the parents and be bonded first to his wife and family. Though I do understand not wanting to have a child in daycare. I am sure that is very hard for him. There appears to be a pattern of control and it does not start with your husband. The fact that there are two other divorced kids already living with mom is certainly and indication of problems long before you entered the picture. Your husband will have to come to terms with his controlling parent and take steps to change that. You can not force him to make this choice but if he doesn't you will surely face these problems always. Ultimately things could end up for the worst...divorce is horrible on you and most importantly your child. If he or your mother-in-law will not make any changes you have to make your own choices. You will have to learn to deal with her on some kind of civil level. You are stuck with her forever you might as well deal with it up and make the best of it. Often we don't like our in laws but we can find things to be thankful for. Be thankful that she brought your husband into the world for you to love and that she wants to be with your child. There are many grandparents that don't spend 10 mins a year with thier grandkids. Though this may sound good to you at the moment it is not so great for the child. (Unless the grandparent relationship is toxic/damaging for the child then you need to protect them from it.)

Now I have gone on too long but one more option to consider. Is there a possibility of you being a stay-at-home mom? I recently gave up a fifteen year, very respected and solid career to be at home with my kids. It has absolutely been the best decision I have ever made. It has and is transforming my marriage and my relationship with my children. I know many women don't want to give up what they have worked for and thier independance. I was one of them. I am so glad I changed my mind.

I will keep you in my prayers and hope this all works for the best. Feel free to ____@____.com.

Blessings,
J.

Quit your job and stay home with that precious little boy of your. And don't say you can't afford to do it. Get creative and figure out ways to make extra $$ from home if you have to. Pick up neighborhood kids after school, bake birthday cakes, if you are creative make something and sell it. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU DO! This is the most important time in your child's life and you need to be there.And if a disrespectful mother-in-law is the way to get you to realize this then it was all worth it. Your husband will be happier and your mother-in-law won't be able to call you a bad mother and wife. Everybody wins!(especially your son!)

Hi, Stephanie,

Your situation has really struck a nerve with me so excuse my irritable response. Not only does your mother-in-law disrespect you but your husbands apparent lack of concern over your wishes is showing disrespect as well!!! There is no doubt that your mother-in-law will somehow communicate these unjustified perceptions of you, the MOTHER, to your child. Look, positive input is so very important at this time. A loving caregiver is important at this time. Your mother-in-law seems to be poisoning your relationships and you've got to put your foot down. There is NO EXCUSE for your husband making you feel this uncomfortable and disregarding your thoughts. He is putting his mother above you. That is out of line. The issue is not grandma, it's your husband's disregard for YOU!

Just my opinion,
C.

Hi Stephanie!
I am so sorry about your situation! I have to disagree with some of the moms here and say that you need to get your mother in law to stop watching your child. I think that your husband needs to stand up for you and show his mother that you come first because you are the mother of his child and his wife. It isn't fair to you for your husband to totally disregard your feelings about this situation and put your son somewhere you feel uncomfortable. I don't know if you are a Christian or not, but the Bible talks about leaving your parents and cleaving to your husband/wife. Your mil has no control over what your husband does because he has his own family now and is one with you!
I feel that in this situtaion, communication is key. Maybe a good thing to do is sit down and have a talk with your mil, and air everything out with her. Get everything off of your chest, I had to do this with my mil after my son was born and everything turned out great for us. Another thing to do is to talk to your husband about how you feel. He needs to know how uncomfortable you are in this.
Again, I wouldn't leave your son with someone you aren't totally comfortable with. I know having two grandmother's is great and all, but to what extent? Is it ok to have her involved if she is going to bad-mouth you? I don't think so. I hope everything works out for you! I am praying for you!

Stephanie, my advice is to make friends with your mother-in-law. In this life, as you manage your home, raise your children, take care of your husband, juggle your job, you need all the help and support you can get and will the rest of your life. Don't cut anybody off. Daughter-in-laws are sometimes not the easiest people to get along with either. In my experience, most mothers-in-law love their children and grandchildren to the point that they would lay down their life in a minute for them if it were necessary. Where are you going to hire someone like that? The other thing is that she is ALWAYS going to be his mother and your child's grandmother and nothing is ever going to change that. Don't cheat your child out of a grandmother because every child needs two. I believe that all people have their faults (daughters-in-law included) and all people have good qualities (including MILs). Find a couple of hers that you can build on. Ask her advice occasionally. This isn't really rocket science but it's not easy either sometimes. Just decide to be the grownup and live the kind of life that your MIL will admire, not critisize. Who knows; someday you may realize that you have come to love her. I did.

How awful, I feel so blessed to have a mother in law that I would seriously go and live with if I could! However you don't need to allow this women to win, she obviously is used to getting what she wants by intimidation. DONT let her do it to you. DONT waste your energy by avoiding her either. Remember your in control and she is the one who is miserable not you. As long as she is good to your son than try your best to draw the line between your feelings and what is best for your son and husband because in the end she is there mother and grandmother. I know this seems unfair but in the end you will come out the bigger, better person. Stop leaving early and coming home late. That is your home and your family so let her know when she starts being disrespectful that she will not talk to you in that manner and walk away. I imagine no one has ever done this to her and i'm anxious to see how she will react. Maybe end potiental confrontations with a statement like "I will not engage in this childish behavior i'm sorry you have so much anger but I choose not to". Then walk away...Good luck and God bless.

I don't know about you, but I am sooooo tired of MIL's. I thought everything was fine between me and my MIL, and just a few minutes ago I find out that she hates me. I've had nothing but issues with this lady, I'm just fed up. I'm going to let her do and say whatever she wants, I'm done with her. I will be polite but there's nothing more to it, my relationship with her is done with. I wish you and I both the best of luck with our MIL's!

Amen to the response from Heather B as the grown up version of your son. I think her response about the situation that she saw and how it affected her should be the guide to your actions. These responses that seem to say that whatever your MIL does is okay because it is better for her to watch him than to send him to daycare. This is so not true! It is very similar to parents "staying together for the kids" and fighting and screaming all the time instead of separating and having peace. That said, be sure you are being objective about your feelings and then you need to insist (no demand) that your husband stand up for you. He should be your biggest fan and supporter. My husband would never allow anyone (including the MIL, whom he loves dearly) to disrespect me, especially not in my own home. Sometimes younger men with strong moms have a hard time with this one. My BFF's husband had a hard time with it at first (they married at 19), but once he saw how things were truly affected his wife and daughter, he put his foot down. Please keep your chin up though your little guy needs his mom, which is another reason to not give in to her. You are getting less time with your son by rushing out of the house early and coming home late...she is winning at every turn! Good luck! Maybe you print some of these responses for your hubby to read!

I would just sit down with your husband and explain to him that you are very uncomfortable with the current situation and very unhappy. I would find a solution prior to having the conversation. Find a day care that you can take your child to and pick up. Then let him know how important it is to you that he back you up. You are a family unit. I likewise would NEVER let my MIL watch my child during the day. She and I have TOTALLY different parenting philosophies and she does what she wants, no matter what we say. She likewise has no problem bashing me in front of people - my children, my friends (even at my baby shower) and my family. I finally had enough and I told my husband that while he can most certainly continue his relationship with his mother and father, that I was not going to subject myself to their behavior any longer. If they are going to be disrespectful and rude then I want no part of that toxic relationship. Things are quite strained, but my husband understands and respects my decision. He has told his parents that if they want things to change then they need to change their behavior. You and your husband are a team...he needs to support your needs.

I say your house your rules, and if she doesn't like it. Show her the door. Misary <sp> loves company. She's got her devoriced adult children living at home. She's a mother hen trying to get all her kids back under one roof where she'll be happy, no one else. I would ask your hubby if he wants to be with you or his mother. That whatever his mother wants doesn't matter in your marriage. I would hire someone to come into your home and watch or son, if DH doesn't want him to go to daycare. A benifit of daycare is that your son will get the social interaction of kids his own age.

My hubby works a lot <military> and I pretty much run everything in the house. When is comes to the kids, it's my way or no way. sounds rude or whatever, but I'm the one that does everything for the kids

Stand up for what you want and what you believe in. Good luck

OK- This is how it has to be. You have to lay the law down. I had the same trouble with my inlaws....in fact, they also have my husband's sister and her child living with them. That is the perfect situation....to have their son and his child...without you in the picture. You can not let this happen, because as the child gets older, you never know what they say about you in front of your child.
My daughter does not see my inlaws unless I am there.
It makes it hard for inlaws to wedge between you guys if you are always together as a family. Although she will try.... (My MIL would try to pull my husband aside...away from everyone....just to talk to him so that I couldnt hear) It was aweful trying to deal with her games....do not let her or anyone wedge between you. And why are YOU having to do the sacrificing?/ You are the M.! It should be YOUR way or NO WAY! Keep your chin up and stand your ground!

Those In-Law's.....
I don't have this problem, but I have seen it before... mother's who just can't handle another woman in their son's life. As sad and as hard as it is, you are going to have to be the adult here. The attitude that you are betraying only confirms with your mother-in-law that she is right about you. I think that for your son's sake as well as your relationship with your husband, you need to make peace, at least at face value with your mother-in-law. If you do this, you win. Let me tell you why. Right now, she is creating trouble with you and your husband and that probably gives her a feeling of pleasure. When you stop allowing her to do that, she no longer gets that pleasure.
One thing that I had to learn is that every person in our life has a place and there is no need to compete for those spots in our life that can only be filled by one person. You have your place in your husbands life, and his mother has her place. You cannot fill her place and she cannot fill yours. She probably does not realize this. If you do, she will live unhappily ever after while you and your husband have a happy, healthy marriage. To me, there is no greater revenge for a mother-in-law who would like for me to be gone.
Don't make your husband feel as if he needs to choose sides between you and his mother. Men have a hard time going against mom. This doesn't mean that he doesn't love you or that he feel you are wrong. I know how hard this advice is to implement, but I promise you, it will work in your favor. Your husband will in time see what his mother is doing, but only if you are not distracting him from seeing what is really going on.

I think that there have been some good things said so I just wanted to take the time to say you are incredible for being so strong. It is alot to take when the "other" woman in our husbands lives (their mothers) want to be the only one in their life. Hold your ground and remember we have sons too and one day we will be mothers-in-law how would we want to act and how would we want our daughters-in-law to feel about us, get that answer and fight for that for yourself and your family. Keep your head up!

I guess one thing I would ask is what problem exactly did your husband have with the daycare you first switched to? Is it a concern you can address by looking for smaller in-home caretaker, perhaps? If you can prepare and address whatever concern led him to switch back to your MIL, maybe you can make him comfortable with a new situation that makes BOTH of you happy. You DEFINITELY should not have to live with things the way they are now-your son may not be able to communicate the tension he is sensing, but he DOES sense it! Good luck!

I have not experienced this with my in-laws at all. Fortunately, we get along wonderfully. However, I witnessed this between my mom and my grandmother (my Dad's mom). My Dad never defended my mom & would let things his mother said about my mom go out one ear to the other. Let me tell you, it really affected me growing up as well as my siblings. I look back at my childhood and everytime I got together with my grandmother, my mom was always absent. She would avoid my grandmother. It was very sad and hard for me. As I got older, I got fed up of it and told them both off. I told my Dad to get a backbone and support his wife (my mom). Surprisingly, he did since I threatened to never see my grandmother again. You need to let your husband know that this is not good for your son. Your son is seeing poor behavior from an adult as well as fear from you. Also he is seeing that his Dad can be controlled and not dealing with the problems up front. He will learn to avoid problems like he does in the future. My brother has learned that behavior. It took years for him to ovecome it and he married someone that didn't like my mother, either. So he is going through the same pattern. It was very stressful and sad not being able to be with them both in the same room. Ever since my Dad and I defended my mother, my grandmother backed off. Things improved dramatically. Now, they both are older (granmother is 100 and Mom is 65) and talk to each other. Today, they were sitting next to each other laughing about something. I only wish I had seen this when I was growing up. Tell your husband that he is hurting your son as well as your marriage. My grandmother created so much problems for my parents. My Dad got so tired of the arguments between them that he started working more and more. One thing, I did have to hand to my mother that helped things go in her favor was that she never said anything bad about my grandmother to us kids & always bought her gifts for her birthdays and Christmas. She would always put it was from us grandkids. So you would be doing a favor for your son if you do not criticize your mother-in-law (I know how difficult it is) in front of your husband and son. Then your husband will see that you are trying to be nice while his mother is not. Then he will realize how much harm his mother is causing. I hope this helps. Good luck! God bless you!

I had the same problem. This will not work itself out. Please get counseling. A clergyman or trusted elder who will be respected by both of you. Unless your husband is persuaded that his mother's disrespect will ultimately undermine your marriage, nothing will change. When dealing with dysfunctional people dedicated to perpetuating unrest, you can't just hope for the best. Meanwhile, your only hope is to outsmart her. Don't let her dictate your behaviour. Figure out which emotional buttons she pushes and disconnect them. Once she is unable to cause conflict or get a rise out of you, she will escalate her negative behaviour. Your husband will no longer be able to make excuses for her. Give her enough rope, she will hang herself. It takes a while but not putting your husband in the middle will pay big dividends in the end.

Hello Stephanie,

I feel for you. You need to have a long talk with your husband and tell him that his mom has no right on being so disrespectful to you just because she's family. and just because she's grandma your son does not have to be in a toxic environment. you have to do what's best for you and your son and if grandma does not make the cut, so be it. she has to be more considerate. If she takes care of your son, eventually he'll start treating you like she treats you because he'll hear her comments about you (even if she doesn't do it on purpose, kids pick up the slightest tension) so just because you're not there when she's there, it will still affect him.
and for your hubby, tell him that he also needs to watch out for you and not put you in toxic situation, you married him and not his mother. It's your house too and his mother can do and say whatever she wants in her house and she has to respect you and your house. now that I've said that... pray, and then pray some more. Can you talk to your pastor? I wish you luck and that you and your mil can patch things up. ~C.~

Hi Stephanie....Do you go to church? It says in the Bible that a husband is suppose to leave his parents and cling to his wife. You should not leave early or come home late. That is your child & your home. Your M-I-N should know that she is not running your life. I can understand your husband not wanting to use a daycare BUT your M-I-N need to understand that you two are married, love each other, put each other & your family first, no questions asked, no-one else in-between. Why does she have divorced kids at home? Tell your husband you don't want to end up like them! He is the one that needs to straighten this out, yo could be a Silent by-stander. His mother needs to butt out of your personal life & do her J.O.B. of taking care of her precious grandchild. If you guys don't have a church please find one...I promise that's the best way to a raise a family & stay married. D. P.

Stephanie, my situation was similar with my mother-in-law. When my husband and I were first married, she talked behind my back, called me a bad wife and looked for anything she could to turn my husband against me. I got pregnant a month after my husband and I were married, and it got so much worse after that. Fortunately we lived a couple of hours away, but it was still extremely stressful. I tried to talk with my husband about how hurtful she was being, but he just didn't get it. It took his brother telling him that he needed to stand up for his wife before my husband could step back and realize what his mother was really like. My husband finally stood up for me and our marriage and we took a two year hiatus from her. When we did go back into her life, she realized that she had to watch her mouth. She still feels the same way about me which always hurts my feelings, but I finally realized that she would feel the same way about any woman my husband would have married. You need to remember that she is a guest in your house. She does not run it. It is easier to avoid her, but that is probably not the right thing to do. You have to stand up for yourself even if your husband won't. You are the mother of your son, not her. She probably will never like you and will always talk about you, but remember that she would have done the same thing if your husband had married someone else. If you husband agrees to it, I would suggest marriage counseling and lots of prayers. It would not hurt at all and maybe will help him see how isolated you feel. I hope it helps to know that someone else has been through what you are going through. It worked out with my husband and I, and we now have three beautiful children and see his mother on a limited basis. The relationship that I have with my mother-in-law is not what I would have chosen, but it has been the only solution that would have worked for us to a very hard problem. You, your husband and son come first and everyone a distant second. Good luck.

Stephanie, OMGosh. I've been there. 1st you can't go down to her level. Never, I don't care what she does or says do not engage her on her level. Don't you have anyone else to look after your son? For your Hubby, is it the money? You can't let money keep your son with someone who is very emotional destructed to your family. If you have to quit working that would still be better than let your mother-in-law (in present state) invade your life. If your husband doesn't see what she is doing to your family than you have to get help. I've been married for almost 15 years. My in-laws (BOTH) were mean, and tried to under mind me. My husband stood up for me and we finally moved away after he joined the Marines. After that they realized that we were a family and I'm a great person. They love me now, and sometimes call to talk to me. In the beginning I would talk through my husband,and he would have to stay strong in our decisions. It helped that he was strong for us, and that we moved so far away.

Call Dr. Laura. She is on fm 100.7 from 2-4pm in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area. 1-800-drlaura
She gives great advise on situatuions like these.
Good luck,
J.

First of all - what does your husband say to his mother being disrespectful? He should be more concerned about YOU and LESS about his mother in this area. This needs to be addressed or it will only become worse as the years go by.
Second, if your husband absolutely doesn't want your son in daycare and you absolutely don't want your son with his mom, then you may need to consider giving up your job and stay home until he's old enough for pre-school/kindergarten. If you need the 2nd income, take in other children or find some kind of work to do from home. Drastic yes - but you have to decide what your priorties are in this area under the circumstances your dealing with.

His mom has won this round since she is keeping your son again. And although you dislike her, you should not avoid her as she will use that time to speak negatively about you to your husband and someday to your son.

Stephanie,

Well, I am sorry to say, if she is already at this point, that she was there before you got married to him. They don't change, and they never will. So ladies can change, but, by what you said, she will not. Her ways are set, and she is not going to let go of her son and will continue to be this way. I have seen it been there and done that. But, my Mother-in-law woke up too late. She didn't get friendly or want anything to do with me until she found out her own daughters were mean to her. They didn't have the time, and I did, so I helped her out, and just before she died, she said she was wrong about me. Sad it takes something like this to wake a person up. I would say, let it go like I did, keep on doing what you are doing, ignore her and tell him like I did. It's me or your Mom? Don't let him or his Mom rule you. He can have Mom, but at a length, and you and son first. Sounds cold, but, sometimes you ahve to put your foot down. It could be that he is afraid of his mom not wanting him anymore if he went your way. Just let her know, I know you don't like me, but I like you, but. I'm sorry you feel this way. Let her know that you know what she is trying to do. Keep one step ahead of her and if she won't babysit, tell him he only has one option and to take it or leave it. Be firm, and tell him you are sorry, but you will not be abused by her. Good luck, I hope it doesn't take that to get her to wake up and smell the roses. Life is short, and you live it to the fullest no matter what. He ahs to wake up also and see what she is doing to you. He can't have his cake and eat it too! Something will have to give or you will end up in a Divorce. Or a break down one. Good Luck!
Shirley

You mentioned alot of "you" in your question. But has she ever did anything wrong to your son?? I mean you need to put your feelings aside for your child, Do you really want him staying at a daycare that you dont know if he is being taken care of or not. Or your Mother In law taking care of him who you know for a fact would never mistreat your son at all. I have MIL issues as well, but I dont let my feelings interfere with her and my sons relationship.

I agree with Debbie P., but I also must say that we must remember to respect our husbands, too.
Mainly, I'd like to say that I've been in a similar situation, and know how complicated it is. It's not just your situation with your son's care, or your relationship with your MIL, or your marriage, but ALL of these things...it can get very over-whelming! Even though I always thought that counseling was for "nuts", I opted to go. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. My counselor told me that I am very level-headed, and must remember that many times it is the level-headed folks who end up in counseling while dealing with the people in their lives who really need to go to counseling themselves. Funny, but true!
Counseling does NOT have to cost an ARM & a LEG. I went to a Christian counseling center who accepted donations in any amount that I could afford -- sometimes it was $1.00, sometimes I gave $20. My Dr. was not a quack; in fact, she attends my very own church!
It is easy to get caught up in the "but 'this,' and but 'this,' and but 'this'," of it all. Please find a neutral party with whom to discuss a fresh perspective. It will be a win-win situation for everyone, I truly believe!
If you have any specific questions or what to know how I found my counseling center, please email me at ____@____.com