Mother in Law Trouble

Wow! It sounds like you really don't like her. Maybe your husband wants to stay out of it because he feels you're not being fair to his mom, and as a mother you should be somewhat understanding of his desire to protect his mom if she IS being treated unfairly. Im not saying she doesn't need to compromise, but in the "tone" of your writing there is in fact a lot of animosity, which Im sure is hard for everyone involved not to feel.
I've got an extremely overbearing MIL, who drives me nuts on a regular basis, and there was a time when my feelings toward her were very similar to what yours sound like. Because of it, my hubby and I almost split. We went to counseling and while I agree that in many cases he should deal with his mother, But in others he needs to stand up to me, and deal with me if I;m the one causing the friction, and I need to go to her to work it out.
It sounds like you have an aging MIL, who loves her grandaughter very much, and has some jealousy about the fact that your mom has so much time with her....(all not your fault, just stating the obvious). Weekends should be your time, that should be discussed nicely and with great reverence., but maybe you can sit with her to discuss this and find out some compromise so that she continues to have a second day during the week. You stated that she is 10 yrs older than your mom, and has health issues, she's probably having a hard time with facing her impending demise(perfectly natural) and is probably jealous that your mom will have an extra 10+ years with the grandaughter, maybe even get to see her graduate and get married. That can be really hard and Im sure you can see why she would be jealous, and somewhat needy. This is your husbands mother, and the grandmother of your child. This is the one and only chance they have ot bond, LET THEM. These relationships are worth making an effort for, as it will provide your daughter with happy memories, and will help an older woman experiance one of the greatest joys in life-Grandchildren. You'll see once you become one, but all grandparents get jealous of one another, especially if, for whatever reason, one gets more time than the other. This is totally normal and your MIL is not some Special Evil sent just for you. Be nice to her....Nice really does go a long way, and you'll be teaching your daughter a valuable lesson, through your actions.

I lived with my Mother in law for 7 years. She was a very controlling person. Do NOT let her come between you and your child or you and your husband. When you married.. you married the husband..not the mother in law. You began your own adult life. Do NOT get into a battle of wilss with your Mom or your Mother in law.. Don't get in the middle. Your solution of pick another WEEK DAY.. was the correct solution. Your child is yours. Not thiers. You do what is right and needed for the child. Adults will have to start acting like adults. Your mother volanteering at the school sounds very commendable.
My mother in law took over my life and that of my family. It is something I will regret to my dieing day. I will not say I am glad she is gone now..but I will say I am ashamed I let things be taken from me that should never have been done. Your mother in law is lucky to have your daughter a day every week. If she wants another.. you are genorus to allow her another week day. Don't give her your time with your daughter. Your daughter needs you and the good memories you share with her. ( and that part I got from my own kids!)
Stay strong..stay loving, be fair to yourself and YOUR family too.

Wow - I don't envy you...it is really hard dealing with in-law dynamics. We have had our share...here is the difference.

Your husband has a new core family unit. I had to sit down with my husband and say (in the very beginning when his mom was a little outta control), if you want to be married to mom...continue on your same road...if you want to grow in your core family with us, then you are going to have to take a stand.

It was an amazing step my husband took in his growth. He has really embraced OUR family ever since.

Good luck!

J.

Couple thoughts here.....First off, Your husband IS in the middle and that started the day he said "I do".

Secondly, if you are concerned with your mother-in-law's health, (even just the driving part), why is she WATCHING your child? If you want her to see your child, it MAY have to be supervised if her health is really a concern for you (i.e. "skips med's, recent surgery, etc...")

Third, personally, I wouldn't want to see anyone other than my immediate family every weekend... maybe every now and then. Time alone with your daughter and husband is precious - I can see why you wouldn't want to share that time. I would protect that time too. Maybe once a month on a week-end may be acceptable.

I think the real issue is that she really does feel like she was "pushed out!". I can see her point of view. I don't think it was intentional by any means, but....nonetheless, she goes for surgery, recovers two months later and BAM....she's no longer needed on Tuesdays! This is where your husband could be a great source of help to you.... he can talk to his mom if he's not afraid of the outcome. Why is this JUST your problem???!!! (My mother-in-law lived with my husband and I and our kids for two years - the dynamics of a mother/son relationship can be interesting!)

Personally, I would accept the offer for Thursdays. You and your husband could apologize to her and let her know that the schedule change was unintentional but you could really use her for another day during the week, except Tuesdays. If that doesn't work.... then, she watches your child only once a week and be done! Maybe see her once a Saturday or Sunday - in the month. Maybe find something special that would be a good bonding thing they can do on a Monday, Wed or Friday, however...you have already stated that you don't want her driving your daughter so...it would have to be something to do in the house. As I said earlier, my mother-in-law lived with us. She died last year at, almost 76 years old. It's a good thing that your child has grandparents and it's even better that they want to be a strong figure in her life! Good luck!

Hi D.,

Your MIL had her chance to raise her son and made all the decisions that were right for her at the time without anyone questioning her, right? Why can't she offer you the same respect. Let her know that this is now your time to parent and her time to grandparent, the roles are very different. What you decide to do with your child is your decision, and it sounds like you are doing a great job. Also, your husband has to stand up for your decision. You guys are a team.

It's just my opinion, but I hope it can help :)

Jennifer

Your husband's mother is your husband's problem. You are not putting him in the middle.

Same rules apply for you -- your mother is your problem. So, when some issue arises with your mother you won't be asking your husband to deal with it (as I'm sure you wouldn't think to do that anyway).

Remember that you do not owe your MIL anything. You do not owe her 2 days with your child. You do not owe her equal time with your daughter as other people have. That's it. She can have 2 days excluding Tues, Sat & Sun. If she doesn't want that, so be it. You have to just tell her plainly that your mother was not able to accomodate the old schedule because of openings at the school -- it was not an intentional slight to anyone. MIL is welcome to only have daughter on Thurs or to pick an additional day from those available. That's it.

I haven't read the other responses, but I'm sure some people will tell you that you have to keep the peace and that it's so important to have a grandparent relationship. The truth is it is different for every family. Some grandparents are very difficult (as are some siblings, some aunts, some uncles, etc). From your post I'm getting that your MIL has an entitlement problem and needs to be reminded that she does not make the rules for your child. Feel confident in reminding her. Do not back down. And your husband might need to be reminded that he is better served keeping his own household happy rather than being afraid to stand up to his mom.

Hi D., We are experiencing a similar situation with my MIL. First and foremost, your daughter is your daughter and you and your husband need to do what is best for her. So if it is no driving in the car with grandma, then that's the rule. Secondly, your husband needs to be involved because he IS in the middle- this is HIS mother. You two are a team and he needs to stop shifting everything to you. If you make a decision together, he needs to tell his mother you both made the decision, and that is it. I know it is easier said than done but your husband really needs to deal with her more-so than you. Thirdly, the weekends are your time. We are in a similar situation, we both work, and Saturday and Sunday are the only days we really have to spend with our son. Your mother in law needs to understand that. This is your family and her needs are secondary to yours.
I know it may seem harsh but again, you are the mom and that is it! Finally, your daughter is five and can probably sense the tension. It is not healthy for her and your mother in law needs to start respecting your boundaries for the sake of her grand-daughter.
It seems this is a very common occurrence. I have so many friends who have the same issues with thier mothers-in-law and I truly believe it is a generational thing. They did what thier mother-in-law wanted and so they expect us to do the same. It just doesn't work that way anymore! So good luck and I hope your husband will step in and realize this is his mother and he needs to deal with what is going on.

I have had a lot of the same MIL problems, the current one being what each one is allowed to buy my kids for Birthday and Christmas presents so that one doesn't outshine the other. My husband and I actually chose to move 5 hours away so that we could get away from them both. Needless to say, it worked! They can bicker between themselves 5 hours away.

Your home, your daughter, your rules...of course, it's all in the way you word things.

C. T.

You shouldn't have to incorporate your mil into everything you do. On the flip side, you should count your blessings that you have two people who care so much about your daughter. The responsibility on working with your mil on this has to fall on your husband. It is his mother and although you can coordinate things with her, he needs to step up and talk to her when there are issues. He needs to at least be there with you when you have the conversation. It will just get tougher if your husband doesn't get involved.

Good luck!

I would love to have that problem. Enjoy it! I have one MIL who died before my baby was born, and another MIL who is in MLC (mid-life crisis). I do not want to make light of this issue, because I know it is very real... but I am sure it can all be worked out. Keep in mind, the relationship you have with your Mom is different that the one you have with his Mom. Mother's of sons get the shaft because it is a different relationship. Maybe she is extra sensitive to this? I am not sure, but celebrate the love your 5 year old gets! GOOD FOR YOU! :)

Boy! I feel like I could have written your post! I have almost the exact same situation with my mil who will also be 76 in November and my mother is also 10 years younger than her. Anyway, I've had a lot of problems with her acting like my son is her son and trying to control everything that goes on in our house. Like your mil, my mil EXPECTS to be involved in EVERYTHING! Very frustrating, to say the least. The only thing that has worked for us was that my husband finally had to get involved. Like it or not, your husband is in the middle, but so are you. It's his mom causing the trouble. He NEEDS to get involved. I know he doesn't want to, but I'm sure you'd rather not be in this situation either, so it's only fair.
My husband finally stood up to his mom and told her what her role was and that we are making the decisions regarding our son, not her. He also let her know that she is not going to be involved in everything because we want to spend time just as our family. Believe me, it's been uncomfortable at times, but it was the only thing that has worked. Unfortunately, my husband needs to give his mom reminders every so often because she "forgets" what our wishes are.

I hope things improve for you!
Angie

You've gotten plenty of advice - but I hope you heard loud and clear - that your husband needs to be involved. We have the exact same situation in our family. My mil is overbearing & pushy - BUT - I know she loves her family more than anything and she loves my son to no end!! So every time she bugs me, I remember that her heart is in the right place. My husband has always dealt with his mom with the difficult issues, so that I don't look like the "bad guy" - as someone else mentioned. His brother & wife have marital problems b/c he was not willing to do that. He stayed out of any conflicts, she had to deal with them & things got super messy. Try to remember what others have said. Your mil may be acting manipulative and immature, but she is understandably jealous of your mom. Just try to feel what she is feeling & it may help you deal with this more sanely. Good luck. I really feel for you!

I have had some issues with my MIL as well, and I have insisted that my husband get involved. You and your husband are a team, he needs to see that. If he agrees with your decisions then he totally needs to support you and help. My husband has insisted that he deal with his own parents so I don't look bad, and that helps. After too many frustrating situations we just decided to set some rules.
My in-laws want to come over every weekend too, and we both work full time and want to be with our kids on the weekends. So they have to fit into our schedule.
Good luck :)
If it comes down to it, save some money and use someone else to help out so you do not feel obligated or like you owe her anything.

Boy it gets tiring hearing about these men who can't or won't stand up to their own mothers. Don't they know their responsibilities lay in their NEW family;i.e. wife, kids, etc?
If the mil threatens to stop her meds then her health isn't important enough to be around to help do her part in the rearing of this grandchild. It's on her shoulders. Don't take her guilt upon yourself. We're all responsible for our own persons. Keep your weekends with your family and mil can join you later for dinner if she can't be part of the skating. The older they get,, the more childlike they become (and set in their ways). She won't be with you forever so speak nicely to her but let her know this is your child and it's your turn to raise one...mils' job is done. (she already raised 1 boy that can't stand up for himself)

I might consider asking your mom to go back to letting her have t and th. If your mom has the rest of the time it may not be a big deal to her. Or ask the school again to get a different day. I would be firm in having her come on the weekdays and not weekend. Explain that just like she wants time with your daughter, you do to. And that your only opportunities for extended time with her is on the weekends, while she has the option of another weekday.

Hi D.,

After reading your concern, one thing I immediately thought of was why does your husband feel in the middle? Isn't he part of the family? Why is it okay for you to be "in the middle" but him removed so as not to be the bad guy?? Together you need to have united front and let her know you are making decisions together and what is best for your daughter. Make it clear you are not trying to slight her, but the routine changed. One thing for you to remember, even though grandma time is special for kids - it is a privelege and not a right! Try to work it out but include your husband. Good luck!!!

I hope you will open your heart to your mother in law. How blessed you are to have two grandmothers who LOVE your child. Try to step into her shoes. What a marvelous problem to have -- too much love!! Try not to allow YOUR mother to be competitive with your husband's maother. Try to love and share... that's good modeling for your child :)

Hi D.,

I have had inlaw trouble my whole marriage. My husband and I had to go to counceling because of it. What we learned is that if its your husbands parents causing the problems then he does have to deal with it. Then same goes for you and your parents. It took awhile but my husband got the message. He wanted me to deal with everything and I was so stressed out about it. He needs to take some responsiblity.
Good Luck!

JM

The way I see it, you are looking out for the overall well-being of your daughter. As far as Saturday's go, just like you said, that is YOUR time, and you don't have to share it with anyone...I know I wouldn't if I were in your situation. You mil should be happy with getting to spend one day a week with your daughter, that's more than a lot of grandparents get to spend!

D.,

Your mil made her bed know she can sleep in it. She has chosen to only do one day because of anger. Point that out to her. It was her decision. If she wants another day then she must choose from one of the weekdays. Your husband has to grow up and take a stand in this. You are a team and it is his mother causing the issues here. If it wasn't for your mother you would not be able to work without paying quite a bit for child care. You daughter is lucky to have grandmothers who want to be with her. I don't blame you for having concerns over your mils health issues either. It is the well being of your child and your husband has to see that. Your time with you child is your time so the way I see it is if she can not choose another day of the school week then she gets the one. It was her decision in the first place.
Good Luck!!

Hi D.,

Just a suggestion but instead of my mil picking a new day, maybe you could come up with a reason why you need her to come by on Monday, Wednesday, or Friday. If she thinks you need her she might be more apt to let the Saturday or Sunday go. Maybe you could suggest that she comes on Friday and you and your husband could run errands together or have a date night. Most grandmothers just want to feel needed. I know it sounds silly but it's true. As you stated she is 76 and she does have health problems so her time with your daughter is precious. I am sure your daughter will appreciate how much time she got to spend with her grandmother.

Good Luck!
J.

Wow, you have a manipulative MIL here! Could your husband give her some time w/your daughter **and her son** by taking the two of them to lunch once a week or so? He's not the only one in the middle here, and it is his mother who is stirring up trouble; let him pay more attention to her. Or could she come to ice skating and you three can have lunch afterward? Any time you have an adult "getting back at" another adult, the getter is really setting up everyone for trouble and honestly, the best things you can do are (a) try to communicate your sincere desire to let everyone enjoy your daughter, complete with concrete suggestions, and (b) regretfully withdraw if the disgruntled party won't budge. Your MIL is simply depriving herself of her granddaughter's company if she doesn't change days, and I have the feeling there is no good reason for her to refuse.

Good luck, D., you need it!

all best,
S., whose dear MIL was my only regret in the divorce!.

Wow, you really have a mess on your hands. Your MIL has no business trying to butt in to your day with your daughter, being a working mom is hard enough to then have someone take that little precious time you do have. I would sit down with your MIL and have a talk with her and say look this is the situation, you were not able to come for 2 months someone had to watch my daughter so my mom was willing to do that. Then I would tell her that you aren't going to take away Tuesday's from your daughter that's an experience she enjoys, and the weekends are yours and your husbands time as a nuclear family. Then tell her she can choose to just come on Thursdays or she can find another day that works for her if she would really like 2 days to watch your daughter. Don't let her bully you, at the end of the day it is your daughter and your family and you don't have to allow her to watch your daughter at all. Sometimes I think Grandparent's forget that fact.

I would love to have your problem too.lol My MIL lives about 2 miles away and she never comes by herself. She always needs FIL there too. She won't help with the kids if fil is not around. When the kids were younger, she didn't want to watch them at all. She said that it wasn't worth her time. So trust me, you are in a better place. Just talk to her and let her know what is going on.

Don't give up your weekends with your daughter. You and she need that time.

How does your mom feel about caring for your daughter 4 days a week instead of 3? Is telling your MIL Thursdays only an option?

What has she got going on that she can't pick another day? By the sound of your post, her schedule is pretty open. Sounds like it's either "her way or the highway" - let it be the highway if it has to be. She's probably going to be very upset about it, but her selfishness and unwillingness to bend it what's done it.

HI D.,

I think it's time for your husband stepped in and told your mil the plans for your daughters care. She doesn't have the right to tell you who and how you will provide care for your daughter and she certainly doesn't have the right to step in on days when you are home. Tell hubby to step up!

Wow. This is a tough one and I feel so badly for you because you are totally in a bad position. If this were me, I'll tell my husband to strap on a pair and support the family by talking with his mother. *HE* needs to be the one to explain the safety/driving situation to his mom, *HE* needs to be the one to remind his mother of the importance and necessity of quality mother-daughter time.

Imagine if the problem was with your mom. Ask your husband how he would feel if you refused to deal with your mom's overbearing attitude and left it up to him. I can almost guarantee he wouldn't want to have to deal with it because "it's not my mom".

I'm so so sorry you're dealing with this. Why can't some in-laws realize that it should be about the children instead of their own needs? I'm not saying cut her out (grandparents are wonderful, supportive, and loving people for children), but you really need to let your husband know just how critical his role is in solving this dilemma (just like the previous poster mentioned!).

I am so sorry you have to deal with this. My stomach is in knots just reading about your situation. If you are truly concerned with your daughter being in the car with her I would stand firm and maintain that boundary. Do not feel guilty for being firm about maintaining your time during the weekends. Maybe you can work something out where she babysits your daughter for a few hours so you and your husband can go out to dinner once a week or every other week or just out for coffee or something. Deep down inside it is your mil's issues and you are not doing anything wrong. Don't burn the bridge though and be careful that you do not let you anger allow you to say things you may regret. Your husband is smart man not to get in the middle of it. Does he have a good relationship with his mom? I guess you are the one that makes sense to deal with her on this issue. Is the helping in the classroom only for a limited time period? Perhaps if it is letting your mil know this and telling her when it will end will help her look forward to when it is her turn again. And perhaps at that time she may enjoy the extra time with her while you and your husband have your little date so in the end she will have a little more time than she ever had before.

There is a lot of good feedback here. I think letting her know that you need her on a different day will help her feel needed. The importance is how you relay that message. I suggest being empathetic & compassionate. Stay away from the negative feelings that this conflict has created.

It is your husbands responsibility to mediate between you & her. He has known her all of his life and should have some insight on how to communicate with her. His #1 message to her is that the day change was unintentional and you need her on another day (of your selection besides the weekend). You follow up with "We need you on..."

Don't compromise on having time alone with your daughter or family. Period. This is your time to create memories with them. Remember to not take her anger as a personal attack against you. It may feel that way but it really suggests that there are personal issues that she has and is trying to project them onto you. You don't have to accept that and buy into the drama. BUT you do need to acknowledge what's going on and find a constructive solution that will make everyone satisfied.

Again, being empathetic can neutralize her aggravation and making her feel needed will help her understand that she IS important. Taking these steps keeps you in control of your family & the situation while fighting takes control away. Walk away from the conflict & take some time to just breathe. This is your daughter & your home. You are the leader. She is the consultant.

Doncha wish you could just tell her to grow up and set an example for your child? Since it's your in-law, you have to tread lightly, you don't want to make the rest of your lives miserable. Really try to enlist your husband=she's his mom and might take it better from him. He does need to take a role in his child's upbringing, and if it's causing so much strife, you at the least need him to back up whatever decision you arrive at. Good luck!

Sorry, but your husband isn't being PUT in the middle he IS in the middle. It is HIS mother that is causing problems. Unless one of you is going to quit your job, he needs to talk to her about her health and your concerns. And don't feel guilty, your daughter's safety is important.

Perhaps she can watch your daughter some evenings, and your husband and you can have a date.

Good Luck!
S : )

I understand how you feel. But, you are family. I always feel like you get more bee's with honey. Perhaps you could ask her if there is a day she would like to spend with her granddaughter and you take that oppurtunity and go on a date with hubby.

Hi...I can see both sides of this, as I am the MIL...My DIL's mother and I used to care for my granddaughter one day a week each, the other 3 days she went to day care. I am a year younger than her mother, in perfect health, yet I have never been allowed to take her anywhere. I am trying to sell the car seat I bought which was used twice (when mom went along)and I took them to dinner. My granddaughter spends lots of time with her other Grandma and Grandpa..such as a couple times a week. I haven't seen her for 2 months tomorrow. She lives 5 minutes from me, but 10 minutes from the other grandma. I understand your MIL being older and not in good health to drive her around. But, let's face it...the girl's parents always get the "best/most times with the grandchhildren"...I do see your point, however...no reason to be there on Saturday or Sunday when you are home.

Wow! I think I would state it pretty much like you plainly stated it to us...you work FT and weekends are "family time." I don't think they are "entitled" to a certain amount of time each, and I think your dependence on them has unfortunately set up this situation of "my day/her day" and now it has become what they expect from you, rather than being invited over once in a while. It's tough when you rely on your parents as daycare, and unfortunately, as long as that continues, I think you need to take the good with the bad. Free daycare has its price, you've allowed them too much access and control of your daughter and your life. Good luck!

I think it would be a good idea to remind your MIL that she raised her children, and you respect the great job she did but now YOU are going to raise your child in the way you see fit. Since you are working FT she has no right to demand you give up your weekends with your daughter just so MIL feels like everything is even between her and the other Grandma. I absolutely would not leave my child in the care of someone whose health was not good - who is old enough to know how important her medication is and doesn't take it. That is infuriating. Stand your ground, Mama!

Oh, and maybe a nice comprimise would be that both Grandmas could watch your daughter together sometimes. Then there would be someone keeping an eye on your MIL. : )

This is your husband's responsibility to handle. It's his mother and it's unfair to dump this on you. Tell him "opting out" isn't an option! He needs to speak to his mother about this. It's a family problem, not YOUR problem. He can let her know that these are the times when you'd like to have her help, but that the other days are already "booked" with activities and while you all appreciate her volunteering, she's not needed on those particular days. Then he can try to help think up other ways that she can spend time with your daughter.

It's also important to remember that grandmothers are a blessing. Not everyone has one. And while it may seem a little annoying now, when you make time for grandmothers to be with your kids, you're giving your kids a gift that not everyone gets to enjoy. it broke my heart when I had to move here because it meant that my kids wouldn't have the same attention from my parents that their cousins have enjoyed, and that's to their detriment.