Mother in Law Issues

Well, I disagree with most of the responses here, but here goes. This IS a big issue and you should not let your MIL and husband bully you and make you think(and your daughter)that your rules don't apply. This can be damaging to your and your daughter's relationship later on. My own mom did this to me with my kids and it still causes problems today. They are 21 and 17. Stand firm, and maybe some counseling for you and your husband(at least parenting classes) should help. When it came to the point of divorce we had to go and I wish we had gone earlier. I learned alot. Beat wishes!

Put your foot down and let her know that you are the Child's Mother, and that if she continues to disrespect you in the way that you will have to limit the time she has with the baby. I had to do the same thing with my own Mother-in-law.

Don't forget to follow through if she continues to behave that way.

HI S.,
I am sorry you're having a problem with your mother-in-law, and even more sorry to hear how it is effecting your marriage. I happen to have a good relationship with my mother-in-law even now (my husband and I are in the process of divorce) however I understand how belittled you feel because my Mom tends to take what I say for granted and is very critical of my parenting. I can also understand why your husband would take his mother's side even though I think he should put you first. See he sees himself as an extention of his mom and his side of the family, so he takes blame that you're not necessarily directing at him. I would sit down with him and tell him that you don't want this issue to hurt your marriage. Tell him how much he means to you and that you need him to understand how you feel when she underminds what you say. And affirm him throughout the conversation so he sees you as his ally. Men tend to want "fairness" so it may be hard for him to see where you're coming from. As far as your mother-in-law is concerned, i would aslo sit down with her alone and tell her how you feel. Explain that you know she is doing what she thinks is best and that her intentions may be good, but that you sometimes feel she doesn't respect you when there are things (give one example)that she does that hurt the relationship you have with her. Honesty mixed with love is a good combo. This IS a tough situation but harmony in relationships takes a lot of work. Express that you want harmony, and your open to listening to opinions and new ideas, but that you want to be respected for final decisions that you are making. Also- make sure you and your husband are in agreement that some of the core issues concerning your daughter and how you want to raise her are discussed. The worse thing would be to allow a wedge between you and your husband. I hope this helps you and please know that I will pray for you S.. I'll do it now so I won't forget. Hang in there Girl!

Hi, S.. While I'm not in exactly the same situation, I understand not wanting your MIL to babysit your child. My son is 19 months old and I have yet to allow my in-laws to watch him ever. She's not overbearing at all. In fact, she's probably more the opposite. Her head is so far up in the clouds that she doesn't pay attention and think about what could happen while letting my son climb up and stand in a rocking chair, for instance. My son is allergic to eggs but she can't stop offering him things with eggs in it. She has no back bone when it comes to telling him no. At this age, consistency is key and she doesn't quite get that simply because she doesn't want to upset him.

The biggest difference in our situations is that my husband is on my side - even if he doesn't 100% agree with me. I don't really have any advice on how to make your husband understand where you're coming from other than to present a list of your frustrations and the reasoning behind each one. The smoking is obvious - no one should be smoking around a baby. When the MIL watches the baby (if she ever does again) then she should follow your rules, no questions asked and if she can't do that then I wouldn't let her babysit. May seem harsh to some but there is a reason for setting rules and boundaries for a child and following through with them and everyone needs to be on the same team when raising a child. It is, in a way, harmful for a child to be around someone who constantly goes against the parents and isn't consistent with common rules/boundaries. While I am a believer that you have to pick your own battles and be able to let some things go, this is something that will eat at you until you get it settled and until you are comfortable with it stress will take over and cause problems in your marriage. Be very calm while talking to your husband and if either of you start raising your voices and arguing, just walk away and come back when you've both calmed down. But I really think this is key to fixing your problems. Your husband needs to have a talk with his mom and explain to her it's our rules or no babysitting. Be sure to be sensitive to the fact that it is his mom and I'm sure it hurts that the two of you can't seem to get on the same page. This is an area I struggle with daily so easier said than done, I know.

I hope this helps you in some way.
Good luck,
C.

I am sad to say that this sounds like my life, or what was my life. My mother-in-law became so involved in our lives, criticized my parenting, and so many other things, and that was a huge part in my divorce. My husband always took her side and never saw it as a problem. Did I mention my mom-in-law lived next door and hubby refused to move? My advice would be to get marriage counseling or move further away where it will not be an issue. I hope your case is not as serious as mine, but i know first hand what it can lead to if not dealt with as soon as possible. Good luck!

I had this same problem only the issue was not with the mother in law it was the father in law. However my husband has finally come to realize father in my case does not know best and he chooses me over either parent if there is a "choice". The best thing to do sometimes is to follow her "wonderful" advice and let your husband see that she is not right. I undderstand how you feel mother in laws and especially step in laws can be a nightmare. If letting your mom keep the baby causes a fight you may want to explain your position to your husband and if he still does not understand, put your foot down and say fine if my mom can't keep her then we need to rely on each other and if they baby can't come whatever we are going to do does not get done. hope this helps.

I am an older SAHM with one child. I had some of the same feelings you are experiencing when my son was an infant. I think you and your husband have to have the same rules and philosophies on child-rearing. You both may have to compromise to meet somewhere in the middle. Definitely, though, if your mother-in-law ignores your rules while you're standing right there, I would have to confront her about not respecting you as a mother. (I've had to do that) It may be hard but you are the parent, not your mother-in-law. As far as sitting when you're not there, certainly leave your instructions about food, naptime, etc. But you have to let it go at that. You're not going to be there. Start out with her sitting for an hour or two. If she's endangering your child, like feeding her food before she's ready, don't let her babysit. Bottom line is you have to pick your battles with relatives.

I can totally understand your point of view. I went through this same situation with my MIL and my husband. She is not fond of me to this day. She would feed my daughter food that wasnt right for her age and thought it was ok, even though I would pack food in her diaper bag. She would basically just do what she wanted to do and my husband did nothing to correct or stop her. Finally I just had to start stating the pediatrician recommended this and that for our daughter hoping she would accept the doctor's word over mine. Well, she still did her own thing. She just totally disregarded everything I tried or wanted done with our daughter. Even though it didnt help in my situation, maybe stating your pediatrician advised you to do things a certain way, will help her come around. Good luck and I hope you post a response on how things turned out cause I still need help in that department.

I think as long as your baby is not in any danger then you should let her watch her. Every mother does things different but as long as she has your childs safety in mind then I think it is ok. I mean , if she lets the little girl play in the street then I would say no. She obviously raised your husband okay. maybe loosen up a little bit.. Sorry, just my opinion.

S.,
I know this is not what you want to hear, but you may have to give a little on this one. I'm not saying that you shouldn't be frustrated, or that the way she is doing things is right. I'm just saying that she raised her children her way and you have your way. Your husband is still alive and well, so she couldn't have done that bad of a job. Part of her joy of being a grandmother is to be able to "spoil" her grandchild. Try to let go of the offense you feel as a mother of her not going by your "rules." Unless you feel that she may be abusive or neglectful you should let her sit for your daughter every once and a while. For the sake of your family dynamic please try to be the bigger person and compromise a bit. Your daughter deserves to have 2 grandmas in her life. If you need to vent your frustration, try writing a letter to her that you will never send. Just get it all out on paper and then keep it or throw it away. Hope this helps,
-K.

Does your mother-in-law do anything that would put your daughter in harm's way? If not, then don't keep your daughter from staying with her grandmother. Grandparent/grandchildren relationships are such an important part of a child's development. Stand your ground about your parenting choices when you are around, but let "Grandma" spoil her otherwise. The biggest issue I see here is the miscommunication between you and your husband. You guys need to communicate your feelings on both sides of this problem. You have to let your husband know that he needs to be on your side...no matter what...but that in private he can voice his disapproval with whatever the disagreement was about. You two have to be an undivided force in your daughter's life. Insist that your husband hear every argument from your side of the disagreement...and make a rational decision about "sides" according to what's best for your daughter. After all, she and her development is what's most important right now.

Well, mother in law issues are never easy to deal with. Some advice. First, she is your daughter's grandmother. I do agree that she is being disrespectful. Unfortunately we cannot make people do what we want them to. So you have to work around it. It is not such a serious issue as to not include her into your childs life. When you think about it, you are trying to completely control you childs environment. Which if she were in danger that would be understandable. It takes a village to raise a child and that means that they are influenced by that village. And that is okay. Suggestion, just let your daughter go over there. If there are some behaviors that you don't like which arise from her visits, redirect. Eventually she will differentiate what is okay with you and what is okay with grandma. When she gets older she will realize that you were looking out for her best interest. But if you try and control the situation, it will lead to a possible broken home and your daughter may come to resent you for separating her and her grandmother. Bear the burden now. It is worth it. There is a reason why the saying goes, grandparents get to spoil their grandchildren. It is a good thing! It shows she loves your daughter. There are many families where that is not the case. Be grateful for the family you have. Even though they are not always on their best behavior, you still have them. Me personally, I have been raising my son ALL BY MYSELF! Literally. No help what so ever. It would be nice to have what you have. When you become a part of a family you have to allow for personal differences and respect the elders. That is the way I was raised. Your relationship with your husband's mother should never become an issue between you two. The power is in your hands to allow it to or not. As women we bear a lot, it's true. I am sorry if any of this sounds harsh. It totally is not ment to be. I wish you the absolute best! take care.

Are the things that your mother in law are doing endangering your child? If not, let it go. Is it worth your child not having that relationship? Is it worth arguing about with your husband. No one likes to hear bad things about their Mother. I know I definately have issues with my Mother in law. Vent to someone else and let it go. People all have different views on raising children. Does it really hurt for your child to do something different for one day? Remember, family is more important. You have to overlook somethings. You can't have everything suit you

Your mil should respect the rules you AND your husband set for your daughter. Maybe that is the problem too. You husband is equally the parent of this child, and he should be the one to sit down and discuss how he wants his child to be taken care of.
I hope that you are able to work out a set of rules with your husband and his mom that all will feel comfortable with.
That being said, it is very important for children to have as close as possible a relationship with all their grandparents, and too often I see women as pushing the other grandparents away. I hope that you are not doing this even though you have legitamate concerns.
Another thing you may find (if you've since had more children), is that alot of moms in the first year of two of the first child are a bit over the top. I totally was too. Now that I have 3 chidlren, the oldest of which is 6, I am definitely more relaxed, and if the grandparents do something (of course nothing harmful), that maybe differs a little from me, I can let some things go. I'm still a stickler for the things I think are important (for example, I'm really strict about what they are allowed to watch on tv-- and this is more of an issue with my parents than my in-laws), but last thanksgiving when my mil made the kids a ice cream soda, I didn't have a breakdown because I don't give my kids soda. You know-- it's thanksgiving, and not a life long habit, so I let it go. Now if it was an everyday thing, that would be different. But, my husband and I are on the same page about things, and if his mom started giving them soda for meals on a regular basis, he , not I would step in.

I realize this post is old now, but I hope things are getting better, and that you guys are able to foster a better relationship with the grandparents. Remember, almost all grandparents want nothing more than to love their grandhildren.

Any marriage therapist will tell you that the husband should always side with his wife, NOT his mother, even if he disagrees with his wife's opinion. Ever watched "Everybody Loves Raymond"? ;) Anyway, if you think your MIL is putting your child in jeopardy (not using car seat, smoking around her, leaving her alone in the house or outside) then you absolutely should not back down! However, if you just worry that she'll feed your daughter junk food or talk bad about you to her, you may have to put up with it to some degree.

Good luck!

I have a suggestion but you probably won't like it. I think that you need to loosen up because I do not think that you mother-in-law would let anything happen to your daughter. You may not like some of the things that she is her grandmother and I am sure that she loves her very much. I do understand that your child is important to you but is not letting your mother-in-law babysit for her worth loosing your husband over?