I Used to Think I Was a Good Mom Until....

If you give him activities which help you in the long run a child at this age needs to feel important. Give him things to do that you are doing. If you are putting away the dishes let him put away the silverware (no knives) this helps with his sorting skills. If you are doing the laundary, let him help with folding kitchen towels, he can also but his clothes away. Have him clean with a wet sponge, children love to be the big helpers. Reward him with special time, reading, but lots of music and movement. GOOD LUCK.

I think there's something in the water! The school to summer transition has been rough for our family too! My boys are fighting so much and they are whining and so easily frustrated. They are driving me crazy! I'm trying to hang in there, because I know it's temporary, but it is so frustrating. Is there a grandma or a friend he can spend some time with? Sometimes just a couple of hours of separation is helpful. You can take a break, go shopping, watch a movie, read a book, stuff you usually put off until he's asleep; that way, you have a fresh start and he's also had some time to decompress. The kids go from having interaction with so many different people at school, to being stuck with just us for the better part of the day. I'm all for a lot of activities, but they can be costly and let's face it, we can't always be on the go. Here's hoping the kiddos will acclimate and we'll have a smoother summer! :0)

You are probably right about the boredom...If I were you I'd try to get him involved in sports...I know the parks and recreation department, YMCA, and many local churches have "peewee" leagues perfect for his age...not only will they allow him to expend some of that energy, but they will also teach him to listen, follow instructions, and be respectful. I think it's also a good idea, since he is coming from preschool to have structure at home similar to his class...such as a play time, a rest time, a snack time, craft time, etc...he's probably just out of his element and doesn't know what to do with himself. As far as the disrespect goes I think you are right to discpline him, but also catch him doing something good and reward him for it so he realizes that the good behavior has good consequences just like the bad has bad consequences. Hope that helps a little:)

There is a great parenting method called "Love and Logic" that you might want to try. It really takes a lot of stress out of being a mom. You can even get the audio version if you don't have time to read a book. I know my kids respond well to it and it has made our home a lot happier! Good luck!

I can identify with you!! Ever since my son was small we would make a list of things he liked to do, when he was little it included a rebus (picture script of sorts) so that he could be responsible for keeping himself entertained. This year my son is nearly twelve and alot more independent but the list has always been a life safer. Our list includes, swimming, some extra projects he can do for some mad money, play time with specific friends, games and activities he enjoys doing, etc. I even include a list of movies that he has not yet seen that I order for him throughout the summer. He's involved in the summer reading program at the local library too.

Good luck this summer!
L.

Ok -- first of all I want to say that YOU'RE STILL A GOOD MOM! We cannot control what kind of personalilty our kiddos are going to have! We have to always be on our toes with kids and remember that as long as you're doing the best you can, that's all anyone can ask of you! Besides, you're trying to find new ways of dealing with your son, and that right there shows that you care, you are involved and you want the best for him -- that's a good mom. It would be much easier to just let it go, but that's not what you're doing. You should be proud of yourself for looking for help.

I would like to recommend a fantastic book -- it's an easy read, and I think it will help you a lot. It's called "Making Your Children Mind Without Losing Yours" by Dr. Kevin Leman. I keep this book in my bathroom to thumb through occasionally to refresh myself on his advice. I have 3 boys -- an almost 10 year old, an 8 year old and a 4.5 year old, and I've always used Dr. Leman's counsel on how to deal with situtaions that arise with our kiddos. Works wonders -- his advice is sound, logical and easy to implement. Good luck!

A.

First of all, your still a great mom! I think we all go through these moments and I know I ask my husband sometimes what I'm doing wrong. But we went thru this at the end of May when school was out. At first I thought it was just school too but I realized that we were feeding off each other. He would do something and I would yell. I was yelling at him several times a day which I don't normally do. I decided that I needed to take a step back and after a couple of days of checking my behavior he was no longer in "time out" or being yelled at. I also made sure he had a structured day. My summer weeks are planned daily with activities like Harkins movie day, swimming at grandmas, free day, and play date day. I have also worked in places like the zoo (mostly for the water pad), gilbert malls water pad, peter piper and bowling. I have told my husband that it is tough during the summer so we need to stay busy and somtimes we will have to spend money. Other times we have a friend over.

Also I make sure my kids are outside as much as possible. Before lunch and then after nap. 5:30 rolls around and we are out! And then dinner is late about 7:30 sometimes closer to 8. Or I might feed them at 5 and dad and I eat at 8. Some of the things we do are sprinkler and slip n slide during the mid day times. Then we do water balloons or I fill a bucket and they water plants or wash there bikes. I find that they ususally get wet so it keeps them cool.

And then another great tool I found for free time inside is a book called "The Preschooler's Busy Book" by Trish Kuffner. I plan activities from this book daily. At least one craft, one cooking and one educational.

I found that if I keep things busy that when we do have free time they actually play nicely with their toys instead of fighting etc.

Good luck!

my kids are doing the same thing. Its nice to hear. I don't have many answers but I do know that I started making my 3 yr old and 5 yr old take naps every day at the same time in seperate rooms. It has helped my sanity trumendously! I thought my 5 yo was too big for naps, but I make her do it and she'll sleep for 2 hours. That breaks my day in half and I have peace and quiet to restore my energy. Another thing that has helped was giving them chores. When they are out of control I either send them to pick 10 weeds from the yard or clean something. They've learned that if I threaten them with the "if you don't calm down it's chore time" line, they know I mean business. I've tried to give her a little preschool time at home too, so she doesn't forget what's she's learned. One more thing I do is take them to the $1 store and let them pick out puzzles and coloring books and those are quiet activities that calms them down too. I have to get creative because I've got a newborn and can't leave the house. I agree with the other reader who said that they are their hardest at 4 and 5. Good luck!

My son is 3, but he recently went through something similar, where he just seemed to totally regress. He became extremely destructive and defiant. I was going bonkers and felt the same way you feel. I though, "I used to be a good, sweet, patient mom and what happened? And where did my sweet boy go?" Well, it lasted a few months and then he barely came out of it. Not only is he back to his old self, but he's developed to a whole new maturity level. I took a parenting class from Sharon (the Mommy Mentor with Proactive Parenting--she posts repsonses her on Mamasource sometimes) and she said that when kids reach a new developmental milestone all their building blocks fall apart before being reassembled with the new milestone. It has totally been the case with my son. He emerged from this crazy phase with a whole new set of skills. I can't even believe how big he seems now and how well he communicates and how much he comprehends now. So I bet your son is going through something similar and reaching a new milestone. You'll be amazed when this is all over how much he has grown up. Just take care of yourself in the meantime so you don't go crazy! I barely hung in there, but we all survived and no one got hurt :)

OMG! That is so funny - sorry, but I am in the same boat- but my 2nd is a new born (almost 3 weeks old). I was the one who made the $ but with our new addition, I am trying the stay at home thing and when I read your post I was laughing sooooo hard as my 4 1/2 y old is doing the same things. His school got out the day after his little brother was born. My only suggestion is to get him outside running or swimming as much as is possible. That is the only thing that seems to work with us - only issue is putting together the play dates to allow him to expend the energy. Good luck - just know your not alone! :)

Yes, it is normal!!!! Both my boys went through similar things starting about 4, now their little sister is just starting it (at almost 4). At 7 and 9, they are (mostly) nice, reasonable kids again. I found 4 and 5 to be the hardest age of kids for me to deal with. So, take a deep breath, your still a good mom. Someone (I think it was my mom) once told me they start driving you nuts about the time they should go to school so you don't feel so bad being away from them all day ;-).

Dear R.,

Where did your sweet, innocent son go? To preschool, that's where! If you did not teach him these behaviors at home, he learned them from being with the other kids and seeing what they got away with. Yes, he has a vacuum in his life now, but boredom is not his only problem. Preschools are usually structured into 15-30 minute activities, depending on age of children. When you are finding activities for him, are you giving him choices or just saying, "Why don't you do this?" or "Play with your trucks for awhile"? If so, he is feeling out of control, either because of lack of choice or because your routine is different from preschool which he is used to. When he yells and cries, don't call it "time out," but "chill out," and tell him that as soon as he is quiet, you will set the timer for 4 minutes and his actual time-out will start. When the timer goes off, he can get up. I've seen this work very well with children this age. As it is right now, it's like the tail wagging the dog--he's got your attention every time he wants it. He needs to learn to "self-sooth" and to entertain himself, understanding that he will not always have company his own age to play with and that there will not always be someone who structures every minute for him. Give him two or three choices, including one activity that you keep put away for desperate occasions (like play-dough, moon dust, or things you have to help him clean up afterward). Also, give him a sense of responsibility by making a list of chores for him to do every day. (Ever watch "SuperNanny")? When his chores are done, you can spend some special one-on-one time with him because he saved you time by making his bed (let him do the best he can and LEAVE it that way), taking out trash, sweeping the patio, and whatever...Never lie about consequences--ALWAYS follow through or he will see you as a liar; never criticize (or re-do his bed--he will take that as criticism that he did not do a good enough job), NEVER back down, be consistent; and ALWAYS give him a listening ear and the respect you want back from him.
Grandma K. (former preschool teacher)

HI, It's not you or your son. It's the age. I have one as well, he is almost 6 now and I have been going through the exact same kind of thing. It will keep giong for a while and probably get worse before it gets better. The key is Giving specific activities, and break them up between outdoor play, using his mind like puzzles, etc, read stories, go to the libray, etc. Just have to keep them moving. I have found pareting books help a ton!! I like "Ask Super Nanny" by Jo Frost, and different books by Jim and Charles Fay. read as much as you can. There are lots of good ideas out there to help everyone be a little happier through these stages of life.

I had a friend same problem but it got worse... come to find out her son was allergic to red food dye (it's in ALOT of things) When he became violent she had him tested for everything under the sun and surprise that was it!!! Tske all red dye (most common problem) products (kool-aid, candy, check all packaging) out of the diet for two weeks and see what happens. Good luck!

My daughter turned into a pill when school let out as well. She was very defiant and just seemed incredibly angry especially towards me. She will be 5 in a couple of weeks. We sat her down and talked to her and it turned out she was upset over school. She thought the school was open and all of her friends were there having fun without her. Maybe your son is having the same anxiety and expressing it in a different way. It is worth a conversation to find out. Also, we spend a lot of time at the library during the summer as they have several things for kids that are free. Check out your local library website for some ideas and also FamilyFun.com has some great ideas as well. Good luck!!!

You are still a good mom. He is learning this behavior at preschool. Day care and school activities are all planned and orchestrated for crowd control. and lets face it the staff are not well paid and overtaxed. you will find that his behavior improves when the summer routine. You said that preschool ended in may. If the preschool does acedemics he may be frustrated or just full of vinegar from having to sit still for extended periods of time. Children often forget how to occupy themselves after being in that time of environment. Just be consistant and don't loose your cool. Physical activities are good to wear them out. like swimming pool or tag or simmon says. Hopefully somethig where he is expending more energy that you are. this will pass it does get better and his behavior is not uncommon. Are there other children he can play with where the moms can take turns for an afternoon so you can all get a little break? Your husband can be a big help if you two have a united front. You will do fine. I always sandwiched any behavior with positive statements. I believe your words have power I have even introduced my sons with things like "have you met my thoughtful son." Another thing we always did is refered to negative behavior with verbs and positive ones with nouns. reinforcing the positive attributes as part of their nature but the negitive behaviors as an action they took. For example, "You have always been a generous boy, I don't understand why you are behaving so selfishly."

I know it seems strange but it yields good results. We raised four sons who have grown into outstanding men and have my third grandchild due in September. Trust me there were times they drove me so crazy I thought my head would explode. The behaviors you are talking about my simple be mimicing effective stratigies he wittnessed in daycare or an attempt to communicate some frustration he cannot articulate verbally, or a combination of both.

you will do well.
Deborah

Hi R.,
My grandkids just turned 5 and 9, so I understand, both boys. I'm delighted to be a grandparent!

Our oldest is very sensitive to food dyes. If he eats a M&M, or a cereal, or many of the other processed foods, sprinkles on cupcake, etc, his behavior is bouncing off the walls out of control. So if you are not aware of this, try taking those foods out of the diet.
The rest is normal! You are doing the right thing. Kids will push you all the way, that's their job! You keep your boundaries and don't ever waver! When you say it, mean it and always follow thru with the consequences. That makes children feel safe! I learned this the hard way with my daughter in her teenage years!

Call me if you have any questions about food dye.
Best of luck!
S. Fritz
866-508-2910

Hi R., I hear you. You are still a good mom. Your child needs more activity. First is he getting enough sleep? Children will act out severly if they don't get enough sleep. Second they need A LOT of activity. Pump it up and swimming kind. Lots of structure. Maybe you guys can sit down and make a calendar of what is going to happen on what day. Good luck

For one thing, do not put all the blame on yourself. When kids go to preschool, they learn a lot of different behaviors from the other kids. I have learned with boys you need to have a lot of physical activities planned for them. Sports like swimming, Soccer, T-Ball, ect. are really good. Can also get him into Martial Arts which will correct his disrespect problem as well. I actually put my son in West Coast Martial Arts and he loves it and his teacher is a 5th degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you live in the Tucson area, the studio is in the safeway parking lot on the corner of Golflinks and Wilmot.

Anyhow, you are a good Mom, and it is good to keep your punishments consistent for bad behavior and reward the good behavior.

Take Care and I hope all the advice that you get from me and others helps some. There is a lot of good suggestions here and know that you are not alone in this. Most kids go through this when they start school.

Senise

Hi R.,

This is normal, alot of kids dont know how to react to any type of change, so they act out becasue they cant communicate. Its not anything you are doing, so dont feel bad. My youngest is 4.5 as well and we have our moments. I have found that swimming helps alot. There is something about water that tires them out and they can take out all their frustrations outside. My daughter never takes a nap and she doesnt sleep more then 7 hours a night, normally she is pretty good but any change in her normal routine will cause her to act up. She was in pre-school two days a week and only 3 hours wach day but I did notice a differene. Before we got the bigger pool, we had just a little pool and she played while I worked on the yard, now with the bigger one its a little more challenging becasue I have to be in with her, but worth my sanity. The days she goes swimming she is in bed by 8pm. Love it!!!!

Hi R.,
First, don't take it on yourself that you aren't a good mom!!!!! That's the worst thing you can do, is to start guilting yourself into feeling bad about your son's behavior. Remember that he is his own person and will have his own character traits and struggles and stages to go through that may or may not have anything to do with you. All of it is part of his path into his own personality.
I agree that he needs a LOT of activity - not the sit and play with toys activity, but running, jumping, bouncing, screaming, etc. Boys in particular seem to need much more of a physical outlet for their energy than girls. Make a challenge one day and see if you can come up with enough energetic activities to actually wear him out! haha!
Even his yelling and crying seems to be an outlet for the incredible amount of energy that he has inside of him. It has to get out somehow and you can try and direct it into positive ways, such as swimming, pump it up, etc., or he will find his own ways to do it, which may not be appropriate. Either way, that energy WILL find a way out of his body!
On another note, my children all went through a stage that was not what I had been hoping for in them. I think most kids have an age or time period that they are transitioning and it sometimes results in less-than-desirable behavior. This is more a long-term view than a 'now' solution, but remember to take a deep breath and realize that he will grow out of it at some point.
One of my daughters had an arguing stage for nearly 2 years! aaaaah, I thought I was going to die! She argued everything, even the color of the sky. She argued every single item to put on her body for clothes, every single food she was offered, nearly every day..... I used to wake up with a knot in the pit of my stomach, dreading that the day with her was about to start. But we made it through it and she doesn't argue nearly so much anymore ; ) .
Good luck and I hope some of the suggestions help!

Hi R.,
It's N. again *grin* I have a 4 1/2 year old too. She is the same way. I think it's because she has to compete with her older sisters who are 10 and 8. Seems like it's just a faze too. As for time outs. I learned from parenting classes that we shouldn't give a child more minutes than their age in a time out. Ex: 1 min for a one year old 4 minutes for a 4 year old 10 minutes for a ten year old and so on. But that usually isn't enough. So, I also take away something important too. 1 thing for a 1 yaer old 4 things for a 4 year old 10 things for a 10 year old and so on.

My 8 year old came up with an idea yesterday for Madi my 4 yearold that worked in 1 day. She made a chart with a list of ways thatshe had to act.

listen to mommy, no talking back, disrespectfulness

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15,

She gas 15 chances to be good. If she braks any thing on the list than we swipe out a number. If there are any numbers left on the chart at the end of the day, then she wont get her reward. For us it's a sucker. She loves suckers. I cant wait to see how she does today. I'd much rather give her a reward then a time out.
Good luck,
N. White
www.aromaticbotanicals.com

R.,

Just a few things came to mind, the more I typed the more I thought of...

Positive reinforcement!!!

It sounds like he picked up a lot of bad habits at pre-school and he probably is bored. Anytime he is behaving appropriately, reward him for it! Use his name, say exactly what it is that he is doing right, and tell him something positive about it (R., Thank you for carrying your plate to the sink, that is very helpful, thank you, ...) You don't need treats or prizes, just mommy's attention when he is doing what you want him to, or he'll get your attention another way, negatively. If that doesn't work, start a calendar, he gets a star for everyday he goes without...sticking out his tongue??? and after so many stars he gets a tangible reward, McDonald's for lunch, the zoo, what ever is appropriate for the behavior, start small, but with something he wants.

get a playdate set up for one or more of his friends from school, their mom's are probably going through the same thing

school is structured and they have jobs, give him jobs to do, structure his day atleast a little.

I have also found w/ my 2 young ones that 15 minutes of playing with Mommy, gets them playing and then I can get stuff done wihtout the negative, attention seeking behavior.

good luck!

Sounds familiar...the routine of school has stopped and he is bored! My only saving grace is that I finally broke down (I didn't want anyone else watching my child!!!) and started looking at the camps at the Y and through Parks and Rec. The JCC has some wonderful camps also for kids his age and it is a very safe environment. Sometimes we can't do summer on our own and need help..ergo the camps. Don't beat yourself up over this. You are a good mom...you're trying to come up with solutions!! Some of these places also give scholarships or reduced rates if you need the help. Good luck and I hope that your summer turns out less stressful.

you already said it....he is bored. Doesn't harkin's theaters hAve like $1 movies for kids his age during summer months. keep him busy ...wear him out and he will not be bored and driving yu crazy.there ARE ALSO SUMMER CAMP PROGRAMS WITH THE SCHOOLS THAT ARE NOT TOO EXPENSIVE TO KEEP HIM BUSY AND YOU SANE. GOOD LUCK.
A. r

I'm with you, honey, my son turned 4 in April and holy cow! Mine hasn't been to preschool yet, but I'm not sure I'm looking forward to the 'behaviors' picked up there...If you're in Rio Rancho, maybe we could get them together at a park to play & use up some of their energy?
Looking forward to reading your responses.