Let me start by saying I love my husband very much, and he is a dedicated, loving, caring father and husband. The problem is that sometimes he is too tender-hearted when it comes to our 10 month old daughter. He has always been scared of keeping the baby. I have been a SAHM since she was born, except when I go to classes or work for my practicum hours (15-20 hrs a week for the past 3 months). My mom and mother--in-law keep Dharma while I go to practicum, but since she was about 4 months old my husband has watched her in the evenings while I go to class. He is always a little nervous, and would not watch her by himself until she was 4 months old. It took him that long to build up his confidence with her, and for a while things were going pretty good. The last 3 weeks,however, she has been having crying fits with him while I am gone. He is a teacher and about to be done teaching summer school and is helping watch her while I work for my practicum and when I go to school. Now that he is watching her more and she has pitched a couple fits with him (normally she does not cry a lot or fuss), he has become paranoid. I have taken her to the doctor; she is not sick, no ear infection, no sore throat, nothing. The doctor and I agree the crying is a result of 1) Teething 2) Change in her routine (Mimi or Nana watching her while Mommy's away) and 3) Separation Anxiety since I am usually her primary caregiver. I know she will be fine and am not concerned about the crying. What worries me is that my husband freaks out and calls me at school and has me pulled out of class to have me help him find out what is wrong (my classes are 45 minutes from home- I can't just run home and check). He has even called me at work and told them to get me even though I was with a client. I don't know how to help him feel more at ease and to make him understand that if he can't find anything wrong, I probably can't either. He says she'll stop if I come home, but I can't leave class everytime she cries to make her stop. I really don't know what to do. I thought about leaving a checklist for him to try to get her to calm down. But part of me knows that if I keep rescuing him when Dharma gets upset, he will never learn how to make her feel reassured on his own. Please help!
First of all, thank you all for your advice. My husband and I have sat down and talked this through some more. He decided he liked the idea of a checklist of what to check to see if something is physically wrong and a checklist of activities he can do to distract her. He feels like he just kind of panics when she starts crying and can only think of 1 or 2 things that may be wrong or that he can do. Also, he has been feeding and bathing her each evening while I have been close by but will not offer help. He has also been taking some time to try to get her to nap or just play with her while I am not there. She kind of gives me the stink-eye when I come back, but it has gone smoother the past couple days. No crying fits that he could not control while I was away. Hopefully all she needed was time and a little confidence in Daddy, and all he needed was a little help with alternatives and a little confidence himself. We are also going to look for a book just for him about daddy stuff instead of him just reading my "what to Expect the 1st Year" book. Thanks for all your help! It was truely appreciated.
Get him a parenting book or daddy book to read so he can learn about babies, then tell him to leave you alone when you're at work or at your practicum unless there is an ACTUAL emergency. He is an adult and a father and needs to learn to do it himself. He can suck it up. Sorry to sound so tough on him, but I'm sick of daddies who are bigger babies than their children.
Give him the checklist! He probably just isn't that adept at coming up with ideas on his own (neither am I, so I understand) and some simple suggestions might increase his confidence immensely. He will probably be able to branch out from there and come up with his own stuff, but a list of things to try (reading to her, carrying her, singing, etc.) might really help get the ball rolling. God bless!
Hi A.,
The other posters had some great ideas, but I wanted to suggest having your mother or MIL with him for a while. Then, have him call THEM if there is a problem instead of insisting on talking to you when you're in class or at work. Ask him what would happen if you had him pulled out of the classroom every time you had a question. It might not go over so well. He can do it, he just needs confidence and a little re-assurance.
Good luck!
Has he said he didnt want to watch her? some dads are up to it when they are little they are too afraid they will hurt them or cant help them have you tried another caregiver?? maybe someone else can watch for a bit work the time frame up with daddy alone time You need a another lady to keep but have dad get child from caregiver and work his time up with her start with 10 mins early and work that way That way hes not soo nervous with the baby. then go up time frames.
It is NOT an abnormal thing for a man to feel like he can not comfort a baby. To a woman, it is inherent in knowing what to do to bring a child comfort...we seem to know how to hold them just right, rock them just right, we automaticly make our tone of voice calm and even.....men have to be taught those things. We are literally made differently. Just because he helped make the baby, does not mean he automaticly knows how to comfort her in her time of stress. Also, 10 months is when all the separation anxiety really kicked in for my daughter. I think that is the time is starts hardcore. The best thing to do is to tell your husband what you do to comfort her. That distraction works well...(or at least it did with my daughter),,distract her when she is upset,,with her favorite snack, or a special snack that is super yummy (we used semi sweet chocolate chips!! YUM)And you are right about him having to figure it out on his own..he can try to do it like you, but eventually, he will have to learn what works out for he and your little girl. In the words of my great aunt carol, who has 9 children "no child every died from crying/pitching a fit!" Best to you and your family. :-)
I have decided that men are hopeless! :o)
It really is going to be a matter of him figuring out what he needs to do to get through. You can give him a list or tell him the things that work for you, but in my experience, it's pretty much going to be dad that has to work it out. My husband used to try the things that worked for me, but that only upset my daughter more because she knew that was something mommy does. Your daughter just needs to figure out that she can trust him too, and that takes time - especially with separation anxiety in full force.
As a side note, I read in a book that daddies are good for babies because they handle things differently than mommies (play, dicipline, overall interaction) and this helps teach your baby to cope in different situations - a key thing to know throughout life. So this is probably a good thing!
Anyway, I think that the key for your husband is to stay calm (she will feed off of his anxiety) and not get mad at her for missing mommy. He also just needs to keep trying different things to distract her and keep her happy. Again, in my experience, men are terrible at coming up with new things to do, or, if something worked once, that is the only thing they will try and they get frustrated that it doesn't work again. Just remind him to keep trying different things - singing (my brouther used to sing "Take me out to the ball game" to my nephew for hours when my sister-in-law went back to work), peek-a-boo, read a book, or watch a video (I'm not for a lot of tv, but my daughter was mesmerized by Baby Einstien videos... always good in a pinch)... something is bound to work!
Given time, he will figure it out! He just needs to realize that he CAN do it!
Good Luck!
My son is 13 mths old now and i am his only caregiver...when he was about 5 mths old I went out and left him with his NiNi for the first time....it was h*** o* him and me so we started working on him getting use to her and it helped alot....first with me there and where my son could see me I let her do alot of the things I normally would do....change his diaper, feed him, read him a book, that kind of thing. then after doing this for a short time and him not fussing to let someone eles do things for him I would leave the room for short amounts of time and let them play and be on there own...but I was close enough that if he got extermely distressed I would come back in and reassure him and then leave again. When he got use to that I was able to leave him with her and he was just as happy with her as he was with me. maybe you can try it on the weekends with your husband and see if it helps....it might boost his confidence level to be alone with her but to know u r close by (the other room) if she gets really distressed...but he also needs to be reasuring and confident with her, babies can pick up on distress and not feel safe
hope this helped
I want to first start with a Kudos to you for even attempting this feet of working on your masters with such a young one.
Now your husband is not alone, My dad wouldnt even hold me when I was born and never Kept me alone until I was out of diapers if even then. So as afraid as he may be he is attempting to do whats right. Maybe check into support groups or ask the pediatritian Im sure its not the first time she has seen afraid Daddy's. Sorry this isnt much.
Good luck too you.
My husband is a very "hands on" dad. Problem is he was raised by "hands off" parents. In addition, he's an only child and only grandchild. He never had experience with a child before our daughter. When she was 6 mo old, I went back to school. I went during the day and he worked in the evenings. At first, he to was very scared but he eventually got it. It just takes more time with daddys than it does mommys.
As you know, the female and male brains are different in many ways. Reassure him over and over again that he is doing a good job. When you are at home with him, lay it on thick. This will build his confidence and therefore he won't be so stressed. The baby is probably responding to his stress and that is the reason she is crying. This is on top of a change in routine. Try to picture it from her perspective. She's leaving a comfortable, normal routine surrounded by people that she loves and takes care of her to someone who is nervous and scared. She doesn't know if she can trust him and that scares her.
The best advice I can give is just reassure him while you are at home. Also, do activities where all three of you are involved. This could be something as simple as rolling a ball on the floor to each other. In addition, plan an activity with just daddy and baby with you sitting on the sidelines. She will be comfortable because you are there, but she's getting bonding time with daddy. This will also ease his stress as well. Let her see that you are comfortable around daddy and she will too.
Don't forget about your stress level. She will respond to that as well. If you leave her with daddy and you are stressed, she will pick up on that.
Just be patient. Things will work out. She will eventually get used to Dad. As far as him calling, tell him not to call unless it is a true emergency, aka going to the hospital. Also, give him a list of numbers to call if he needs help. One suggestion is calling either of your mothers. Tell the mothers not to go over there and take over, but to calmly assess the situation and make a suggestion. Stay on the line until it is resolved. This will also build his confidence because he did it, not someone else.
Sorry this is so long, but I've been there. Don't worry. He obviously cares for her. Things will work out.
Hello there A. and congratulations on the new addition!
I was wondering if your daughter was out and about and if your husband had told her she couldn't do something ,when this crying occur's-cause if that is the case all she's doing is limit testing she probably know's by now she won't get introuble and dad will freak out and call you..or it could be because of the situation...try asking him what they were doing or where she was when all this occur's..good luck Hope this helps atleast..I have 6 brother's an sister's and I have 22 niece's and nephew's --so been around a bunch of kids..ha ha ha..!
