How Would You Have Dealt with My Daughters Behavior?

I know this is not going to be popular, but I would have carried her outside, spanked her and then gone back inside with a warning that she would get a worse spanking if she did ANYTHING other than sit in the chair quietly.

If she started acting up again, I would have sat her in my lap, holding her arms down until brother finished and then when we got home, don't doubt I would have paddled her good!

I have ZERO tolerance for that type of behavior. It would only happen ONCE!

Wow. I would have spanked that child's butt, if not right in front of everyone, in the bathroom, or taken her to the car & spanked her then brought them back in so he can finish downloading. He essentially got punished because his little sister was being irrational.

IMO, when young kids become irrational, they are beyond the point of reason (the definition of irrational) and you can't match that with reason. The punishment should be swift, severe & effective. That's why I spanked my kids at that age. Each of them threw a fit in public once, and NEVER AGAIN.

I think you did the right thing. You got her out of there when she was out of control. (Kudos to you for doing it, too!)

I feel bad for your son, too, but sometimes that's just the sucky part of having a sibling. :(
It sounds like you have a laptop. Worst case scenario, if you have a local Starbucks or other wifi facility...you can see if you can pick it up in the parking lot. (Maybe the library, too?). If you can reach it from there, your son can do the download while you're all in the car, and then DD can scream her little head off till she's content.
(If the parking lot is visible from say, the front steps, you might be able to do the same thing with keeping him in eyesight from the car while he sits outside?)

There isn't much else you could have done. I might have tried leaving earlier, when the behavior first started and doing the time out in the car (not ideal, I know) and see if that helped her collect herself and then give it another shot. BUt it sounds like she was just worked up into a bit of a frenzy.

I would apologize to my son, since he unintentionally got punished for her behavior. Our library is open until 8p.m. a few days a week. I would take my son, or have Dad take him, on one of those evenings while sister stayed at home. I might even stop and get a milkshake or something to thank him for handling the disappointment so well.

Hang in there mama.

Wow! What a difficult situation. First of all, acknowledge yourself for your efforts to have big brother get his game while dealing with younger sister. That must have been hard for all of you. As one mom put it, the only people who haven't dealt with public meltdowns from their children are non-parents. You're a great mom - or you wouldn't even be asking the question! So honor yourself for the ways you are a good mom (we'll never get it 100% perfect, by the way).
I don't know HOW I would have handled the situation; it would depend on my state of mind, and my emotional state in the moment.
However, if you want some excellent information on tantrums, go to www.handinhandparenting.org/ and in the search box, type in "tantrum." You might be surprised.
Take care. Be gentle with yourself. You are doing a better job than you think!
Warmly,
Meg

usually in these situations i look back and realize i set us up for failure somehow...in this case i would have seen, i didn't give her a chance. didn't have a snack or any kind of toys for her to play with, didn't have any way to keep her occupied while you knew big brother would need your attention. it's okay, we've all been there.

in your situation, having misjudged a bit, i would probably have done similar- gave warnings, threatened, gotten angry with her, and then finally left. but your patience lasted longer than mine would have. it's unfair for big brother, but unfortuntely, it had to be done. and i'd be better prepared next time.

I love the idea of going to McDonalds (or similar place with wifi) to download the game. I'm sure your daughter would have loved that!

Hindsight is 20/20, right? Next time have a plan and have her situated and happy before beginning the download. I do think this is not unusual behavior for a 4 year old. I also think asking her to find a book by herself is asking a bit much for even a 6 year old.

Live and learn, right?

And personally, I wouldn't pay any attention to those advocating spanking. Why do people assume that spanking = discipline and not spanking = child run amok? There actually are ways to discipline a child that do not involve spanking!

Take her aside, whisper in her ear where she has to strain to listen- and she will eventually calm down. If you ignore the crying and squealing as much as you can, then wait til she comes near you...whisper to her what you want her to do, what you need to see from her, that you need her to come sit next to you and be quiet as a mouse etc. make a game of it----when she is calm that is when you can validate her feelings and ask her why she screamed all over the library. How she would have felt if someone came and yelled at her etc. tell her what she could have done next time when she feels this way. I wouldn't have swatted her, that will escalate the behavior and doesn't help. As for the game, I would have asked one of the librarians to help your son while you talk to daughter for a min. Hope this helps. I know its hard to know what to do sometimes in these circumstances. Hang in there!

i think the only thing differently you could have tried would have to removed her from the situation a little sooner. explained to big brother that you can't tolerate the behavior or it's going to get worse. in the car you could have given her a much sterner talking to, and then tried it again.

I think that as tough as it was to leave, she gave you no choice. I would have taken her home and then instilled some loss of privilege on her like going to bed early or no TV time that night or something so that she knows that she messed up and even though her brother suffered by not having his game downloaded, SHE will lose out for interfering. I would have left sooner, though, with an apology to the older child and a promise to make it up to him later.

If it makes you feel any better, I had to physically carry my DD out of the church while she screamed like a banshee past a service that was getting started (we were in an earlier service and she did not want to stop playing with the Sunday School kids). I explained to her after that that she embarrassed me, made the teacher feel bad, etc. and that we would not be going the following week if she couldn't behave. So I totally understand that sometimes their heads spin and you wonder what the heck you can do...and sometimes all you can do is pack up and get out quickly.

I have talked to my DD about her behavior. "DD, we are going to Friend's house, but you must remember not to throw a fit when it's time to go or we won't be invited back. Do not be mean to your friend by having a tantrum." I haven't had a banshee since, though she has had a reminder here and there (before she got to that point). I swear, sometimes I have a 2 yr old again. And I hear I am not alone.

So if you try again with her in tow, tell her what the expectation will be and what she will lose if she does it again. If you have the opportunity to try again without her, I would. And I'd specifically tell her that since she doesn't behave, she doesn't come out with you for this errand and give your son some one on one time. If you can do it after DH gets home, it's an option.

I think you handled it correctly.

The only other thing you could've possible done would've been to get a few puzzles or picture book for her to play with while waiting for the game to download.

I also have a backpack harness in the car. That would've been my last resort. That way she could've wandered within reason while staying near you while you helped your son.

I would suggest mcdonalds next time. Most i have seen in the major cities offer wifi so the little one could play while you help your son download the game.

What was your plan to keep her occupied while son downloaded game? Did you have books for her to look at? Always be prepared is my motto.
You had no choice but to leave at that moment. What were the consequences when you arrived home? Sent to room, loss of TV for the day?? I'm sure you did something and that will help prevent future problems. I also hope you can take son back without daughter and make it a nice outing, stop for ice cream as someone suggested while she stay at home with Dad.

My 4 yr old does this sometimes. I think you handled it fine but I would have left sooner. Tried to get her to calm down in the car before giving her anther chance. It is bad that a sibling inadvertantly gets punished for the actions of another but maybe you can make it up at a different time. I know our library is open later a couple of days a week--definitely will be once school starts. Thought that tends to be when people that work during the day or other activities want to use the computer. You might want to see if they have any programs like a reading or something that she could do while brother does his download. Then you can check up on them while they are doing their thing.

you did ok, Planning ahead would have been better, So for next time, think ahead as to what might go wrong and bring things to avoid that.

Get her settled with books first, and make sure she had used the potty and wasn't hungry or tired when you tried to do this. Give her a few mins of attention. so she felt secure.

also i'm not sure why it would have taken more than 10 mins to get the download started, or why your son couldn't have read a story to her while you were doing the download. I can't say as i've ever done that so i don't know. I coudl see you having to wait a while but not why ds needed so much attention for so long.? could you set this up to download at home over night??

I would have started counting, 1, 2, 3, with three leading to a big consequence (no favorite video, computer time, something).

My daughter threw herself on the ground at the grocery store about a month ago. I cracked down quickly, told her she was too old for such behavior, and told her a strict three strike policy was in effect. Depending on the crime, she either loses video or computer access.

She hasn't misbehaved badly since.

I think you did fine. It always feels horrible to have a child melt down in public, but the only people whose children haven't melted down in public are ... non-parents.

Key thing is, with your daughter, you didn't back down. You kept making your expectations clear. And your son will get to download his videogame sometime. I'm sure he was disappointed, but it's just a game. And long-term, part of growing up is learning to accept disappointment.

A couple of questions first - had she eaten? Had she had her nap? Those two things are pretty important and need to be worked around.

She probably knew that this trip was all about her brother and she was jealous and wanted your attention. Boy did she get it!

Surely you can actually leave your son alone for five minutes, S.. He is safe in the library, and you could take your daughter out to the car the FIRST time she wouldn't stop running. You should strap her into her carseat and stand outside of the car and let her cry. When she is done crying, ask her "Are you done?" and then tell her that if she misbehaves again, you will bring her right back out to the car and make her sit again.

She won't like it. She might continue to see if you really mean it. It's hot in the car, even with all the windows or doors open. (Not too hot - like playing outside.)

It's either that or taking her into the bathroom and spanking her bottom.

Timeout isn't going to work in the library. In the car where she is strapped and can't have her way is much more effective. And YES, withhold a privilege later too.

Dawn

Does she act like this all the time or it is just in public? Does she act like this around your husband or is it just with you? Leaving the library was probably your best action. Do you think she might have thought you were giving your son more attention that you were giving her? Sorry for the questions, but I'm trying to understand the root cause of this behavior.

Assuming she doesn't have any developmental delays or disorders, I would have given her one warning and then left. In public it's one chance and you're out. Even when it's my own darned fault for not having nipped it in the bud because I brought her in hungry, tired, already irritated, or what have you. It may sound unfair to the other child but the drama that follows is more unfair to BOTH children.

Why? Because it creates more chances for the child that's already misbehaving to get into more severe trouble. In the beginning, it sounds as if your daughter was just burning off some energy and being silly hence the running around and squealing. The problem was when you tried to get her to sit down for the time out. Girl needed to burn off that energy! She was excited! Then Mommy joins in and CHASES! Whoo hoo! It's a game now! Except when Mommy catches her, it's not so much fun. So tantrum, screaming, more being forced into a time out, holding her still, more discomfort, lashing out, etc. She's a wreck. And she's in far more trouble than if she'd been removed from the situation in the first place.

This is how I've handled my typical children.

With my special needs daughter she can go from 0 to meltdown instantaneously, so at the first sign of a nearing meltdown (which is no one's fault, it just "is") we haul tushy out of wherever we are. My other girls know the signs and they're old enough to feel upset when people stare with reproachful and judging eyes, not knowing their sister is autistic. I've had to literally drag her out of stores and libraries in the middle of meltdowns.

On the flip side, I've had to remove my eldest daughter too, who is ADHD and ODD, for being fresh and rude and testing me in public. She likes to see how far she can push and sass and if I'll really discipline her in public. She always has. I always do. ;-)

We use natural consequences with creative discipline measures that don't include spanking.