How to Help a Teenager Who Is Failing School.

Well i cant give much advice about the teenager failing school because i have one at home doing the same thing, however i can offer advice about whether you should step in and help. I think its worth a try because most children dont listen or relate to their parents and sometimes it takes a positive role model other than the parents to come in and talk to the child to find out if their are underlying problems that the child may open up to and discuss with this person. Peers are sometimes the only people that knows what goes on in a childs life however they may not be the best influence for the child. So, i say if the child will listen to you and talk to you its worth a try to save her from a bad situation, because it seems like shes rebelling against the parents. And every child is worth saving whatever it takes.

Maybe you should try talking it over with her parents,let them know what suggestion you have and see if they are ok with it.Have a time limit.

J.,
Try using rewards and incentives, and talking with her about what is going on. Also, go over consequences so that she knows that she is not in control. Also, find out from the teacher if there is anything she can do to change her situation by the time school is out.

All the Best,
D.

They made you the child's godparent for a reason. I would ask her parents if they would be offended or even mind some intervention on your part to try to help them with this troubled teen. Maybe tell them some things you are thinking of doing or saying to her and let them approve or disapprove.

Remind them that they did make you her godparent and that you are more than willing to try and fulfil your role. If they get offended in you asking, then there is nothing you can do, but watch the disaster unfold.

I have a cousin in another state that has had enormous problems with her son. He's done so many things to break the hearts of his entire family. I wrote her a letter after I heard about some of the problems and asked if she wouldn't mind me writing to her son and trying to help in some small way if I could. She was more than willing for me to help out in any way I could. After three years of sending him notes, cards, emails, and letters he's come around a little. I can't take any credit for his recovery, but his mother, father, and grandmother are happy I loved them and him enough to offer him encouragement.

Make clear to her parents that you aren't judging them or their efforts. Make sure they know you just really want to help if you can. Sometimes kids just need to know that even people that don't have to really love them and believe in them.

My brother's and I never gave my mom much trouble like you speak of, but we were a little apathetic. She found us the crappiest jobs she could find to instill in us a desire to do well in school and thus go to college. My brothers worked at a factory in a very hot paint room during the summer. The one brother also worked for a pet store and his job was to clean the kennels and fish tanks. We also worked at a peach packing house during the summer...and that was grueling. It would sometimes get to 105 in the warehouse. We would come home dripping with sweat and exhausted.

All of us went to college and have good paying jobs now.

Right now she does not see the need for school. She needs to understand the value of an education.

I would go to the local library and get your hands on some Career Choices curriculum...maybe her high school has some you could borrow.

She needs to figure out what she's going to do with her life.....what does she want to do for work? How is she going to support herself.

Have her investigate what that kind of job requires as far as an education. Then have her investigate the salary she can expect...benefits and so forth.

Then have her research the cost of living in the area she wants to live in. See what the typical utility bills are, what is insurance, how much do groceries cost....

Have her keep a notebook with all the information she finds out....

Send her on field trips to go grocery shopping with a limited amount of money...let her go with you and see how fast it spends and how long the groceries last. Have her shop for things to make a home...sheets, towels, cleaning supplies,

I would go around your house and make a list of all the basics to get started in a home...then have her go and price this stuff so she can see how much money she needs just to get started.

Have her look at your pay check...show her how much the government takes and so on.

Then have her pick out a home...what does it cost. Explain to her how mortgages work, what a credit history is, what her payments would be, what her insurance would run, what maintenance costs would be.

Then have her sit down and make a budget. There is a very inexpensive bit of software called "Budgets for Dummies"....she could input her salary, expenses, and so forth to see if she could make it and have the lifestyle she wants.

Most kids just don't understand what it takes to make a living. They don't understand how to budget. They don't understand that they can't have everything under the sun with a waitress job at Chili's.

She needs her eyes opened.

You might even be able to get a financial planner on board to help explain to her what she can expect to do if she doesn't even have a high school diploma. Then what she can expect when she is old enough to retire. Let him show her how far her money will go and what she can expect to do with that money.

Maybe even show her what an apartment paid for by tips from Outback will pay for. Take her to some apartments, have a realtor show her some low-income housing and then housing that is moderately priced to see the difference in what an education can get you.

She needs to see what she's aiming for now, what she could have with just minimal effort, and what is possible with some effort, planning, and goals.

Could a boy be her problem? Make sure that some kind of love issue isn't causing her to want to quit. Is she interested in an older boy that isn't in school?

Who are her friends? Are any of them drop-outs?

Good luck with this issue. I will pray for both of you that you can some how get through to her.

hi J.,

I did not read all the responses, you are a wonderful person to care so much.

I have to tell you, if you have not raised teenagers it can be very easy to think you know what is best. Please do not take that the wrong way I mean only the best of intentions.

Having raised two teens, one of whom pulled similar stuff in school - my advice is that sometimes the best thing you can do for teenagers is to allow them to suffer their own consequences. If she thinks someone is going to bail her out at the last second, that could be not the best thing for her in the long run.

I would suggest that you try to open up a line of communication with her, letting her know that you are there for her in any capacity - including helping with school and see if she responds. Be careful not to allow her to just 'dump' the responsibility on to you. Also, please be careful not to cause her parents to feel insulted. Let her know she can confide in you but always show respect for her parents no matter what. Above all, don't engage in any kind of power struggle with her - you will not win. ;-)

In the big picture, if she has to repeat some classes and face the embarrassment for that but has someone like you to turn to for emotional support, it could be the best thing.

I hope you'll also reinforce that even if she doesn't succeed with her schoolwork that you still think highly of her and will be there for her no matter what.

all the best,

W.

Dear Godmother, you can get involved but unless, you are going to be the only one in charge it won't do any good. The pattern of this young girl's behavior started long ago when she was young. This child needs some mentoring and structure.

My children are about the same age yours are....just be careful what you invite in to your home...she is at an age of rebellion and could really use your help. I would talk with her parents and see what they say. They might welcome the help.

Absolutely step in and talk to her. Realize, though, it is the end of May and she probably does not have enough time to bring grades back up if she is failing now. As a high school teacher, it is very frustrating when parents and kids show up the last week of school and say, "What can I do to pass?" I always ask them why they didn't intercede when there was time to do something about it? Failing classes is just a symptom of the underlying problem. Good luck, and bless you for taking your role as her Godparent seriously. : )

2 of my 3 were in similar situations. You, as someone who cares, can only try. Some teens need to hit rock bottom before they get their act together. Our high school instituted a reward program which turned my son completely around. If a student had perfect attendance, no tardies, no visits with the dean, no detentions,(all of which my son had multiple experiences with!), at the end of the school year they got to choose a reward, ranging from free prom tickets, free parking passes, gift cards from local businesses, etc. My son had perfect attendance his junior year working toward a $50
Best Buy gift card. It meant a whole lot more coming from the school, rather from me. The school found an 80% increase in attendance that year. Check with your school, see if the PTA would be interested in helping to fund the project. Frankly, it would be worth me paying $50 a month to not have to fight to get him out of bed every morning, getting to the bus on time, not skipping any classes, etc. However, the key is that the reward has to come from the school. I think it was Mr. Travis Wolff at Willowbrook High School in Villa Park who was in charge of the program; at least he could help to steer you in the right direction. Good luck to all of you.

I agree with what you say on the God parent part. You do have an important role in this girls life and that is, like you said, to guide her in mind and spirit. Definitely pray for God's help and Mother's intercession. I think that is great of you to step in and help how best you can. The parents shouldn't get upset at you since they gave you this honorable role for their child and they've in a sense, given up. Do what you can to help this girl achieve a better future soon. God bless!

There are many reasons teens start acting out at this age. I was one of them at that age. This girl is trying to express her anger over whatever it is that is making her sad, but doesn't know any other way than to behave the way she is. She may not even understand her behavior herself. What needs to be done, by parents and supporting players in her life is that they need to give her love and emotional support. They need to talk to her like the young adult she is rather than patronize her like a child. They need to be active in making sure she is getting what she can out of school and they need to help her feel like she is part of the school community. Many very intelligent teens do very poorly in traditional school settings, because they just aren't challenging for them. Try to show this girl that college is worth looking forward to and that her actions now will only make the road to college that much harder to travel. Getting her to do well in school depends largely on helping her understand her anger and behavior. When she understands why she's acting out, she can heal herself and be well.

Why don't you start by taking your goddaughter out to lunch? Invite her over every week. Take her on outings with your family. Make her feel special, let her know she that your door is always open and she can confide in you and that you are here for her. But don't pressure her to talk. Maybe, she just needs an adult friend, one that isn't there to punish or correct her.

And don't be surprised if she rejects you. Keep working at it and being a positive influence in her life. She needs you even if she doesn't realize it or appreciate your efforts at creating some normalcy.

Good luck and I hope you give us an update.

As a God Mother, you still need the permission of her parents to intervene. I think her parents are probably "guiding her" just fine. Teenagers are a whole other species. Even the best of parents or those who think they are good parents go through the terrible teens. Until you get there, don't judge.
The issues could be school too. But at 14, she needs to decide if doing well in school is important to her or not. If she is having troubles, anxiety, depression - she needs to let somebody know, especially her parents. As you parents will be in your corner the rest of your life.
If you think you want to help, set up a time to talk with her folks first.

J.,

Your main question was should I get involved or should a stay out of it. When children who are in pain we as adults need to do all we can to help. In your case you are already personally involved.
When you agreed to be her godmother, you agreed to help bring her up in the faith and to help her walk with our Lord, Jesus Christ. Is your family attending church and living a Christian life style? If so there could be your answer. Get her involved with the church, youth groups, etc. You could also talk to her parents about possible counseling. There are programs that offer counseling on a sliding scale and sometimes free.
What is her friends like? Is she popular? If not that can make a child not want to go to school. Is she involved with different activities? Does she seem to be well rounded besides not liking school? Is the girl involved in sports? Sports can do a lot to improve relationships with other students their same age.
Have the parents considered home schooling their daughter? Our son attended private school through 6th grade and we home school him for 7th and 8th, he then when on to public high school where he played football, wrestled, was in the varsity choir, etc. Sports really helped him fit in from day one. But the 2 years we home schooled him were the greatest 2 years of his school years. It was a chance for him and I to become closer and my husband (his father) loved being able to spend time when ever he could with his son. He is now almost 19 years old and we have a very good relationship with him. But let me say our son has always been involved with our church, Royal Rangers, Sports, music, and so on. It has kept him very well rounded but don't think that we did not have our moments because we did but many times he would go to the youth pastors or other mentors that helped when we just could not.
I guess one other thing I could say is try to be her mentor. All teens need a good mentor and if they are not getting it else where her is your chance to help lay a good foundation for this young lady.

Booker T Washington once said, "Lift yourself up but lifting up someone else." Think about it.

Gog Bless

I would talk to her! and let her parents know you are doing this (but don't tell her that). Sounds like her parents have stopped listening and maybe she has set up barriers to avoid them anyway. Something may have happened that started this, but if she is not talking and revolting, someone different may be able to get through to her. Many teanagers clam up, and won't talk. It is not easy to break through to them, but you need to try.

First, you need to get through to her. If you can, make a special day with her. Take her somewhere where you can be alone with her, but it needs to be somewhere she would really enjoy going, somewhere where she will have a positive experience. You can promise to do this again if she.. (does better in school), and you need to follow through. Many kids in this generation are crushed by false promises from busy parents.

Second, does she need help in school? Was she getting the concepts before? Try to talk to her about her classes, friends at school, maybe issues she is having at school. Also talk to her teachers, or school councilor. They may be able to help you figure out what changed. Does she need turtoring? Is there any teacher she likes?

Third, I would talk to her friends or their parents. This can be a bit touchy, since it could backfire. Maybe ask her first if it is OK and who you could talk to to help her.

Most importantly, be there for her! Give her someone and somewhere to run to went she needs to get away.

A mom of 5, with the oldest being a 14 year old.

Hi J.,
I think your caring is commendable and I do believe you could help. I also think your caution is warranted. She didn't get in this situation in a vacuum and I am a big believer in working these issues as a family system issue. In other words it is the dynamics of the family (the parent's relationship etc..) that is in question. The parents have to be willing to look at themselves so my thought is that the best way you can help is find them a good family systems counselor/coach. If you are in the Chicago area I can recommend myself and others.
Blessings, G.

Has the school evaluated her to see if she has a disability? Oftentimes bad behavior is a manifestation of a disability. The school has the responsibility under the IDEA (Individuals with Disabilities Act) to "child find," that is identify students with problems so that they can receive services. I've heard in Milwaukee there was a class action suit filed by WI Disability Rights on behalf of a group of parents whose children were suspended repeatedly by the District because of "behavioral problems." These "problems," it turned out, were a manifestation of disability and the District failed in its responsibility to identify these students as such, and draft an IEP with appropriate services. Just something to think about and maybe explore. The parents might want to request (in writing) she be evaluated by the District.
C.

I would ask her parents if you can take her out for lunch and shopping. Maybe she will tell you what's going on. I would probably do the shopping first so she doesn't have to make eye contact with you the whole time. It will relax her and maybe she will open up.Can't hurt to try. Most teenagers don't want to tell their parents anything so you may be the key to helping her. I would ask her parents first so you don't offend them . Good luck :)

Hello J.,
A completely different perspective-

There is one saving grace- At least she is Fresh. not a Sr.

At the end of the summer after 8th grade my mother, sister and myself went to see family in what is now the Czech Republic. We discovered that my grandfather was very ill. Long story short my grandfather slightly recovered but then died after Christmas. We ended up staying 6 months and while we were at it we stayed a month in Germany with other family. Through all this my sister and I attended school (unofficially- Audited). Now, yes this could have scarred us- but instead it did quite the opposite. Both my sister and I became more self confident (world travelers) We just looked at things differently.

I audited what would have been the last couple of months of my Fresh yr. I was the most knowledgeable Fresh. the next year. I was one of the few Fresh. with Soph. friends (unlike Elem/Middle school -in HS you have different ages in the same class.
I successfully went off to college, graduated, worked, and now have a family.

Sometimes there are more choices than you think.

Maybe some homeschooling?

You probably need to find out what is wrong before you can find a solution.
Teenagers are sometimes "all over the place" with their emotions especially in friendships and "maturing relationships."
If you think it is a "relationship" problem - the daughter probably needs to be completely removed from this situation somehow.
The Dad needs to step in and spend as much free time as he has (preferably all of it at first) to get through to her- It's probably something she already wants- and she probably doesn't even know it.
Hope this helps,
L.

Since the parents chose you as her Godmother then you need to be just that. Godmothers are there for when the parents are not and you have stated that they have given up. Sit down and talk with her parents first to find out what is really going on. They have to take a good long look at themselves to see what they might be doing or not doing that is causing this behavior to manifest in their child. Then all of you need to brainstorm on solutions and you all must be on the same page. Parents must be parents no matter how hard the road gets. Then when you guys have a plan someone that you think the child will open up to needs to sit and talk to her. Something is going on and it could be at school and she doesn't want to say anything because of fear. These children today have no morals or a sense of humanity, they are just plain cruel. Get to the root and then you can work on the child. If you attend church, seek the help of your pastor, or youth minister if there is one. Don't let this continue there is still time to turn this around and get her back on the right track. I hope this helps. God bless you all. From a mother of 3, grandmother of 1 and Godmother of 3, a Minister in Training, and a teacher in the public school for over 20 years.

J.,
I have a book that I highly recommend. Even though 'peers' might not be the problem, this book talks on a cellular level how children learn their values, etc. Your children are young, but I think you will find this book good for learning about the teenager, but also to help guide you with your own children as they get a little older.

Thank God that the child has you in her life.

Recognizing that you may want to set boundries, you can still be part of her life in a positive way. You may even be teaching her how to set emotional boundries in a positive way as you do so. She may be getting her values from peers. They may be the most loving parents in the world but sometimes, as parents we get into the role of always being parents, barking "do this", and "do that" orders. The book I am mentioning discusses in detail important information that every parent, and person that works with children should know. A positive, encouraging note to her weekly may impact her in a significant way. From there, you can build an emotionally healthy relationship that may be missing between her and her parents. You may become the person in her life to make a difference by simple acts of kindness.

The book, "Hold On To Your Kids (Why Parents Should Matter More Than Peers", by Dr. Nabor and Dr. Neulfold. I bought a dozen and passed them out to all my friends, pastors, teachers and anyone I knew that worked with children. The book may be a great recommendation for the parent of the child.

Truly a ***** (5 Star) book.

I am also a godmother and believe you are doing the right thing in trying to help. It sounds like what she needs is someone to talk to and confide in. If you can be that person - no judging her, etc. - you can probably get to the root of the problem. But you have to earn her trust and not go ratting her out. Be that positive role model and person she can go to about anything.

If that doesn't work, military school. Serious. I wish someone had sent my cousin there. He needed it. (Lucky for him, he's from a small town and caught a break doing something he loves. That motivated him to go back and get his GED and straighten up his act. His employer gave him far more chances than most though. He got really lucky)

Look up Lincolns Challenge does not cost alot at all i believe has openings. starting july this place will change her for the better At the rate she's going there are many bad roads to take. My mistake was not putting my own there. Now I'm paying for it dearly. It already may be to late for the july opening. Please have her look into it like today.

If more people stepped in and helped one another this would would be a better place.

I say by all means step in if you can and do what you can. It sounds like her parents would welcome some solutions!

You are the godmother but you still need to ask her parents how they feel about you stepping in to help. If they don't agree then it would be best to let them handle it but you can still be there for support to your godchild. You can let her know you are there if she needs someone to talk to in confidence. You can try and spend time with her when you have time. Maybe you can suggest some counseling for her. Good luck.

this girl sounds like she could really use some help/guidance from an outsider. what i think will be crucial, though, is getting her to accept it from you. to do this, you really are going to need to get her approval as well as her parents. you may want to start just by reaching out and talking to her. and then, you might offer that she could stay with you for awhile and volunteer to ask her parents about it on her behalf. the kind of acting out that she's doing sounds like she may be trying to assert some control over her life, so arranging something with her parents may really backfire if she feels she's being sent to you by them.
of course you need to respect her parents' rights and feelings, but she may need to feel like someone is there for her and not to intercede on behalf of her parents.