Feel Kinda Used by "Friend"

Forgive me because I am no expert in the Catholic religion, but I thought being a God-parent was a pretty serious undertaking and asking someone to fill those shoes is not a decision to be made lightly.

I didn't know that being a "registered" Catholic was the most important criteria.

I know your feelings are hurt over pictures and not receiving a thank you as of yet, but I might be more offended that it seemed like such a last minute thing, almost a whim because you're the only Catholic she could think of.
As I said, I'm not Catholic, but my little sister and I had a God-father. He wasn't a blood relative, but it was well understood that if anything happened to our parents, "Uncle" would take care of us. Not only did he love us, but he had the means to see to all our financial needs for the long haul, if need be, and took his role seriously. We had no baptisms and no formal ceremonies, no formal photos, but my mom has a whole album full of photos with him as part of our family. He wasn't just a title.

That said, with the holidays and everything, I would give a little more time for an acknowledgement of the gifts. I would be more concerned about talking with your friend to clarify what she meant by you being the God-Mother. If merely having you stand up at the ceremony for "ritual" sake, fine. I'm not sure why a person would have to be Catholic in that case. If your role as God-Mother is supposed to be further in depth than that, it merits further discussion. I thought it was more involved than that.

I don't know...I think some clarification is called for. I'd be hurt too if you took it more seriously than she did. It's not a fair comparison, but it's kind of like having a maid of honor or bride's maids at your wedding. Those aren't usually the last people you get around to thanking.

Anyway, we don't always get acknowledged in this life the way we should.
That doesn't mean we won't still get our stars in heaven.
Never regret having been the gracious one.

Just my opinion.

Best wishes.

It really ticks me off when people don't "do" thank you'd. Arrrrgh! I will never understand the dumbing down of manners in this country!
Just because. 60% of people have bad manners doesn't make it right.
(End rant)
Now--the Godmother thing--sounds truly like they just needed a practicing Catholic warm body for the ceremony, which is odd. You'd think they would have more relatives and friends that share their faith.
Look, you did nothing wrong. You were gracious. But sounds like you were the only O.! Live & learn, I guess.

I'm guessing they probably weren't serious about the whole baptism or God parent thing. This really bugs me. I see so many people who come to church just to get their child baptized, then they stand up and vow that they will continue their children's religious education etc., but you never see them step foot in church again. It's like they did this whole ceremony just to get people to give them gifts or something. I will never understand it.

Umm, to be honest, I tend to think it's rude when people don't send a thank you note... I always tell my son, if someone can take the time and money to buy you (us) a gift, then surely, we can take the time to write them a nice thank you card........... (not a text, not an email) but an actual card..
Also, being as you are considered the God Mother, then I definitely think some show of thanks and consideration should have been given to you.. in fact, even a small gift of thanks... Then again, that's me.. it's how we treat my son's Godparents...

You can't turn back the hands of time on the ordeal, but lesson learned for the future.... don't over-buy and too, is there anyway to sit down with this friend and ask what she believes your responsibility to be... So often, people name Godparents simply for the sake of it... and then they themselves don't take it seriously.. Since your friend was so nonchalant about most things, maybe a talk is in order.. or just let it go... consider the pros and cons...

good luck

I'm sorry that the role of Godparent seemed to only be a filler spot for them. I take my role as Godmother to my niece so very seriously that it's like having a daughter that doesn't live with me. I have a special bond with my own Godparents who were always very present and meaningful in my life.

Here's what *might* have happened for your friend, and understand I'm trying to put the best spin possible on this based on situations I've witnessed and been part of. I am Catholic.

You know that in the Catholic Church, when a baby is Baptized it's preferred that there is a minimum of one Godparent, and that Godparent must be Catholic. That's the requirement.

The Church will allow as many Catholic Godparents as the parents desire. As many as will fit on the Baptismal Certificate, basically, and more. :-) Traditionally, there is a Catholic Godmother and a Catholic Godfather. That's not always how it's done, although we did it that way for my two older daughters.

I always wanted my best friend to be a Godmother to one of my children but I didn't think it was possible because she was Lutheran, and then when she converted she converted to Methodist. Then my pastor told me that even though she was Methodist she could still be my daughter's Godmother, but in the Catholic Church she would be recognized as a Christian Witness. I was thrilled to learn this.

This being my last child, we had my brother, my husband's eldest sister and her husband, all Catholic, and my best friend as Godparents and a Christian Witness. It was beautiful seeing them all up there for my daughter and on her certificate.

It sounds like it was a bit more crazy at the service you attended, but is there ANY chance that you were the stand-in and they had Christian Witness godparents?

Please talk to your friend. I think it's important that she knows how important it is to you that she gave you the role of Godmother.

It seems lime you were asked only because you are Catholic. When my granddaughter was baptized my son and DIL made the godparents feel very special. We have lots and lots of pictures. They held her a lot. Got to snuggle with her and enjoy the day. Hopefully your thank yours will arrive soon. If they do not, yep I do think you were used.

Um, so you didn't have to meet with the priest or anything BEFORE the ceremony?
It must be a pretty lax Catholic church, I have never heard of such a shallow, meaningless ceremony.
Not to mention a shallow, meaningless friendship. Sorry :-(

MC, I wonder if your friend actually understands what a godmother really is. It sounds more like she just wanted someone to stand up for her child in the church.

I don't blame you for being upset.

You can do one of two things. You can feel so bad about this (and you obviously do) that you are questioning your friendship and consequently pull back from the relationship. OR you can sit down and talk to her and tell her what you told us (except for mentioning the money part.) If she gets defensive and acts like you are in the wrong, then you have your answer as to your friend really only being the kind of friend who is a user. If, however, she realizes that she has hurt your feelings and talks to you about it, including why she passed you off like this, then it would help you both. At the very least, you should know what she expects from a godmother. That's actually pretty important.

If your friendship can't weather this discussion, you didn't actually have a friendship after all. You only had a one-sided convenience relationship. (With you being the convenience to her.)

Good luck with what you decide.
Dawn

The Holy Spirit chose you to be the godmother of this baby boy. Being a godparent is very important. As a practicing Catholic, and fellow mama, I would suggest learning more about the role of a godparent in a child's life (I need to know more about being a godmother as well). A quick search brought me to this link, which looks pretty good...... http://www.catholiceducation.org/articles/religion/re0233....

When you are empowered with that information, you will understand why God chose you as the godmother to this child. Your friend may have asked you because it was convenient, but the Holy Spirit asked you because you are the woman this child needs as his godmother.

A couple of good take-aways from this article mentioned above....
"Godparents should be faithful individuals who are ready to accept the responsibility of being a part of a godchild's life for the rest of his life."
"A godparent should be a trustworthy witness of the faith who will help the godchild attain salvation."

Congratulations on being a godmother! And thank you for your post.....which allowed me to think about my own role as godmother also.

Take care,
A.

I think Shane summed it up best with "Never regret being the gracious one". I was never baptized-after my older brother my parents decided they wanted us to choose our own religion. Our (large) family is catholic so I was very involved with the Catholic chuch, but also fortunate to visit other churches as well.
My older brothers godmother was very helpful to me. She would explain parts of the cerimonies that I didn't understand, explain customs and bible verses. She also would check on us through the years and sent graduation congratulations etc. She even sent savings bonds for my babies and a home depot card when I bought my first home.
Sounds like you might have an opportunity to foster graditude in your god children-Their mother seems to be forgetting her manners.

I don't understand how she used you. She asked you to be a godmother and you agreed. She didn't ask you to spend too much on gifts. She didn't ask you to do anything except show up at church.

You asked her to take pictures and she didn't get that done but she didn't prevent you from taking them. Sounds like she was involved in several aspects of the service as well as trying to keep control of very young children. Your husband tried and couldn't do it. Why do you think she could succeed?

I'm surprised that taking pictures wasn't included in the plan just as it is in a wedding and was when my granddaughter was blessed in the church. Did anyone take pictures? You might be able to get pictures from someone else.

As for thank yous. This is a busy holiday season. I'd cut her some slack. And as Hazel asked, does she promptly send or say thank yous at other times? Why would you be so sensitive to her not doing it this time?

She's a friend. I'd give her a call in a week or two to talk about the ceremony/party. That will give her a chance to say thank you. Ask her about pictures taken by others. You make the effort to share this occasion with her. You be a friend. I believe that friends are not so sensitive to what our friend does or doesn't do. We know they love us and accept them as they are, knowing that they're doing the best they can in each situation.

I don't think your friend fully understands what a god-parent is - either in the religious or legal sense. It sounds like she was just trying to fill the mommy to do list - get baby baptized, check. She probably found out after scheduling it that the godparent needs to be a practicing catholic, so she scrambled, just wanting the baptism done .

sorry.

My goddaughter's mother is not really big into expressing gratitude. Ignore that and keep your focus on your godchild. This is all about the two of you now, not her parents.

In my experience I have come to find, that God parents aren't taken seriously anymore. It use to mean something, now I think it's become just a title and the human being that needs to be appointed due to our religion. My children's godparents, play no active parts in their lives, which is so sad to me. I chose them hoping their would be a special connection, special times together and nothing. My kids do not see or hear from their godparents. My youngest has 2 godmothers, christening and confirmation. The most they connect is during her birthday and x-mas. Her godfather is an extremely busy man with kids of his own, so we never see him. I, am a godmother and I make the effort to connect, but my godson's mother does not. I think it's just become a part of a ritual with no true meaning behind it anymore. Your friend sounded like she was in a bind and needed a godparent quick. You shouldn't feel slighted, because you were taken aback from the beginning, it wasn't going to get any better. The fact that you spent more than you should on gifts, so be it, this is your god child and it obviously meant more to you than to your friend, so that is ok. Rest easy on the fact that YOU did all the right things and you should not expect anything in return.

I am not Catholic, but I expect the godmother f my child to be VERY involved in my child's upbringing. I think you should have been in the photos and very involved.

Sadly, they seem to just want to be Catholic enough to get the baby baptized. I doubt they are really religious or that you will be very involved in guiding the child spiritually.

I don't think you can back out as a Godparent or change the Godparent in the Catholic church. I am sorry you are hurting.

Your NOT her good friend. First clue, "I don't know any other registered Catholics". Talk to your priest and tell him everything you have told us. Second clue, "I wish I hadn't" (spent so much money).Being a God parent is a life long commitment....this woman needs to commit to you and the God father or find another set of God parents.

think about the past 3 weeks....Christmas parties, Christmas with family, lots of responsibilities! Hopefully once this holiday season is over, the mom will sit down with the kids & write "thank you"s. :)

& you weren't "used by a friend" if you willingly agreed to this responsibility. I noticed that you've been friends for about 10 years. Prior to her request, how frequently did you hear from her? I guess what I'm saying is....has anything really changed other than Christmas took over all of our lives this past month? Be patient! Let it ride & see what happens.....

Being a god parent I thought meant that you would be looking out for the welfare and religious education of the child. But to many it is just a routine that no longer has the deeper religious meaning. Evidently it is the same for your friend. Is it normal for you two not to talk for weeks or is this new? If normal, I would ignore this issue and just resume the friendship as it was since obviously the religious aspect of being her daughter's god mother is lost on your friend.

How good of a friend was this 'friend' before all of this?

The reason I ask is because we took the task of choosing our son's godparents very seriously. We aren't Catholic, but understood that choosing godparents meant choosing good role models, people that might take over guardianship of our son if we died while he was young. So, we thought long and hard over this, and the couple we asked were delighted and honored and said so.

It sounds like there was a disconnect in this request from the beginning. To ask you in the way she did was strange, as if the only requirement for the job was to be Catholic. (And forgive me, because I'm not Catholic, if they do take this role so lightly... I really don't know.)

The pictures? The parents might have just been busy. I know I'm distracted and pulled a few different ways at events with my son.

The Thank Yous? Were they such good friends before that the TQs go without saying? Do you usually get a thank you from this person?(While I personally send thank yous myself, I do understand that some people don't. :( )

My guess is that they did not take this request/obligation with the gravity that you did. I don't know. Your regret about spending more than you should have on gifts stays with you-- they shouldn't be obligated to do beyond what they usually do... it sounds like they might have a handful of kids and be overwhelmed. I don't know. Maybe reach out and see if she wants to do something you used to do, before all this happened. See what comes of it.

Marie:

I don't think you are over-reacting. It sounds like they have NO CLUE on what the religious connection is to being a Godmother or even what the baptismal ceremony represents...they did it because they were EXPECTED to do it.

That after 10 years of a friendship, she doesn't know if you are a registered Catholic speaks VOLUMES to me about her.

When my kids were baptized - the choice of Godparents was (and still is) VERY important. The act of the baptism was (and is) important to me/us as well.

This is a lesson learned. Yes. You were used. Now you know who she really is and you can press on. I wouldn't harbor feelings of anger towards her or anything like that. I would just press on and know that she is NOT a true friend.

I'm sorry. I really am.

I guess it is just me, but you were good friends for 10 years, she asked if you would be god-parents and you agreed, reluctantly. Maybe that right there was first clue it was a bad idea.

Anyway, you agreed and perhaps there was too much chaos for her to corral the children for a photo. I am wondering how old the children are...I am guessing toddlers. Was there a professional photographer there? It is sometimes impossible for a professional photographer to get every photo that is on the list, which can become very upsetting and heartbreaking. Some times there is just too much energy in the room to get everything done and if there wasn't a professional photographer there to take control, I am going to say, it happens, but it is not the end of the world. Your husband couldn't get them together for a photo to make you happy either, I suggest you let it go.

Sure she should have had a thank you for you right there at the church, but that is my view. Not everyone does that. Maybe she had one and left it behind and then time passed and she never dropped it in the mail. My Christmas cards to my nieces & nephew are sitting by the front door waiting for my daughter to come home tonight and hand them to my nephew. She was suppose to take them on Christmas Eve, but didn't, then Christmas and didn't, and so on. Do I look bad, of course. I can only kick myself now for relying on her to deliver them and not putting them in the mail. Oh well, things happen. (BTH, my sister doesn't speak to me so I don't get to see them)

When our daughter was baptized, we had a service of about 7 families and their guests. I was the only one with a professional photographer, so I did get a lot of photos, but honestly, after looking through them, I realized I left one sister out of the photos. I didn't make her as important as the one that I don't speak to. Totally unfair and uncalled for, but totally unintentional. I have seen her several times this year and no hard feelings. Now we have a new priest, he does the baptism during mass. There is no way I would have had my professional photographer in there getting the shots she did of our baptism, not in front of 4,000 people. The dynamics of the baptism has changed and it is just part of a welcoming the child into the church as our newest member, right there on Sunday.

So you agreed to be god-parents and I don't think there were stipulations, so be god-parents. Mark the day in your calendar and suggest a dinner in honor of the day in 2013.

She may not think anything of it. Maybe you should call her saying that you would really like to get together with your god children. I think the time you can spend with them is more important than money you spend. Let her know that since you are a god parent you want to take that role seriously. You want to help with church, guiding to God and helping the kids develop into good people. You would aslo like pictures, etc.

wow that is really odd. When my kids were little, everyone was rushing around trying to find God parents for their kids. My husband and I did not do that, and people thought we were weird for it. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that maybe she was trying to do that because she thought she should do that, and her heart wasn't in it, so that's why you haven't heard from her. I don't think it is nice either, but what can you do? I know it hurts when people don't act right.

Had you and your friend ever discussed her religious belefs, or yours? Many catholics are what are called cafeteri catholics. They have people they would like to take over the godmother type role for thier kids but those people may not be "registered" catholics. By that standard you were used. The qestion to me is one of communication: if you're friends you can simply ask her what she wants from you in this role. If all she wanted was some one to stand up at the church who the church accepted then you did what she asked. You were gracious and kind to your friend. You choose how how you want to feel about the idea that your expectations and hers were not the same.

Now, if you feel strongly about your religious committment to the children you need to discuss that wth her. If you are friends discussing this should not be much of a problem; especially since you're really just asking her about what it is she meant and wants. Your feelings and reactions are your choice.

is there any other issue with the friendship that you're not mentioning?

some people take god-parenting more seriously than others. if this is the only issue, i would not take it too hard.

now if there are other issues with the friendship, she might be telling you something.

eta- it sounds like she is baptizing a little later than most catholics do (from what i understand) did she recently convert? maybe she's not getting the gravity of baptism?