How to Deal with Loss

Personally I have never had to deal with something like this, but I'm part of a message board at SheKnows.com. They have all kinds of boards there and you will be able to find someone who knows exactly what you're feeling. There are due date boards, miscarriage/loss boards, trying to conceive (TTC) boards, everything. Please go there- it's a great bunch of people and very supportive, and they can share their experiences. Good luck to you.

I'm so so sorry. I've had three miscarriages and it's not easy to lose a child you've had such wonderful hopes and wishes for. First off...you cannot heal alone. We all need to talk about loss to get through it. Even if you think you may not like a support group, go anyway. You never know who you might connect with that could help you. I do agree that husbands just don't understand what it's like. But in their defense, they were not the ones pregnant. They didn't imagine all the things we did for our unborn children. Also, as with everything else, they just don't know how to help us. We usually have to tell them what we need and during this time you may not know what it is that you need. If you are Christian, check if there is a Women's group at your Church. If you continue to feel like you just can't pull yourself back, I would suggest talking to your doctor about an antidepressant. You could be on one short term. Sometimes we don't realize how our depression affects all aspects of our lives. Above all know that you are not alone. There are millions of women who have felt similar feelings. It is possible to go on and have healthy children. I have two. And there are three that will always be in my heart.

I've had miscarriages, and lost one of our twins after giving birth at only 24 weeks. our surviving twin is a daily reminder of my loss though and I do still get depressed about it all,My OB did prescribe me some anti-depressants and I never had to go to a mental health person, also I found talking online was alot easier, there is a support group on MSN that is great, it is just for people like you and me who have lost a child, here is the link

http://groups.msn.com/BabyLossSupportGroup/general.msnw

it is a great place for support and advice.

it is hard to deal with I lost my last pregnancy, went to my first dr visit and found out the baby had died at about 9 weeks, I was suppose to be 12 weeks along. you will always remember, but the pain does lessen in time. and it is possible to get pregnate again and have a healthy baby. my sister had two misscarriages a couple years ago, then a few months after my misscarriage she found out she was pregante again, and carried to term, and has since had yet another full term pregnancy. and I am currently 32 weeks pregnate myself, so it is possible. most dr's will treat you as a higher risk, and keep closer watch on you esspecially if you are worried...

MY FRIEND HAD SOMETHING WRONG WITH HER AND THE DOCTORS TOLD HER THAT SHE COULDN'T CARRY A BABY TO FULL TERM. SORRY DONT KNOW EXACTLY WHAT WAS WRONG. BUT SHE EVENTUALLY HAD HER SECOND CHILD. I TOO JUST LOST A CHILD (AT 28 WEEKS OF PREGNANCY) HE LIVED FOR 2 DAYS AND I AM HAVING A HARD TIME, BUT WHEN I GET SAD. SOMETIMES IT HELPS ME TO READ BIBLE SCRIPTURES & I ALSO HAVE A "ONE MINUTE PRAYER BOOK, HURTS" THAT HELP ME. I AM NOT ONE THAT KINDA PERSON SATS AND READS THE BIBLE AT ALL. I JUST THINK OF MY NANNA HOLDING "WAYLON LEE" MY SON, SINGING TO HIM AND FOR THAT MOMENT IM OKAY. NOT THAT I DON'T FALL DOWN INTO TEARS,I DO. I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN BECAUSE I CARRIED THE BABY 28 WEEK AND BONDED WITH HIM WAY MORE THAN ANYONE,FELT EVERY MOVEMENT. SO I FEEL WAY MORE ATTACHED. IT DOESN'T BOTHER HIM THE SAME. HOPE THIS CAN HELP YOU COPE. SORRY FOR YOUR LOSE

A.,
I am very sorry for your loss. It is heartbreaking to loose someone so special to you, both. How people deal with grief is a sticky situation. I would find a "shrink" that YOU feel comfortable with and talk about the baby and talk about your feelings, it helps to talk about your feelings so you do not go the other way and isolate yourself. If you are spiritual, seek clergy, I know a great man if you want the info. From my heart, God only gives us what we can handle.. and a lesson is learned from everything in life, this may not have been your lesson but something was learned by someone because of it. Don't give up, you have every reason to worry about the future but don't let it stop you from your dreams (unless a doctor tells you otherwise). My prayers are with you and your husband.

J.

A., I lost my first pregnancy at 14weeks, and the second at 10weeks.. I was young and healthy. I know how hard it is when you loose your first child. My sister lost her first about 5 1/2 months it was very tramatic. Both My sister and I have 2 beautiful children now and are very happy that we did not give up. There is a time for everything, now was not time...I know in my heart that you will be able to have another child. We do not know why these things happen and for what reasons, all we know is that it gives us stength. Keep faith, your child is still waiting to become part of your family. Love jenn

im so sorry for your loss. ive gone trought two misscarages myself and i know what your saying about your husband not understanding. if it seems hes moved on dont be so sure im sure hes hurting too.keep trying for more kids dont be scared god will bless you in more ways than one. youll see. just dont get discouraged if it doesnt happen too soon.it will happen. the minute i said i cant do this agian im afriad of another loss, i got pregnant twice one after another. god works in mysterious ways. well good luck girl.

I am so sincerely sorry to hear about your loss. I haven't experienced the actual loss of a child in this way, but I have experienced 2 miscarriages. I can sorta understand your grief. Husbands hurt too, but not the way we do. I think it's different for us because we are the one's who experience the actual physical pains and emotional torture involved a little worse than they do. We tend blame ourselves when things like this happen. We shouldn't. I am a firm believer that we go through things sometimes only to make us stronger, we might not understand them at the time, but believe me, you must go on. And that there is always a reason for such things. I urge you to try to get pregnant again, not to forget about your loss, but to help you move on. Best of luck, I will keep you in my prayers.

Hi A.,
I am so sorry for your loss. I would like you to please reconsider the support group- You do not have to talk, you could just go and listen. The other women in the group do know how you feel and the facilitator has experience supporting women with this type of loss. Isolation is not good for you, please reach out to others.
If the support group really does not appeal please see a grief counselor or a therapist.
Please email me if you'd like to.
You will be in my prayers,
R.
Doula and Mother of Ben age 16yrs and Daniel age 12 yrs

Alison,

How sad you must be. I have never experienced what you and the others are talking about so I won't even pretend to know how you feel. However, I do know one thing, if you don't feel comfortable even going to a shrink, go to your GP. Tell him/her how you are feeling, they can help you. Listen to the advice the others are giving that have been in your situation but at the same time you need to see a Dr. about your depression. Please, go see someone.

Jo

Dear A.

I am so sorry for your loss, even though I didn't loose my baby from a miscarriage I truly understand what you are going through. My oldest daughter would be 20 this coming May and there is NOT a day that goes by that I do not think about her and how she would look, what she would be doing, etc.

I was 22 when she was born, she was born on my birthday, we shared even more of a special bond; at 9 months she had surgery to remove a brain tumor, which was cancerous...she lived another 6 months after that. Her death has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through...if you would have told me back then that I would be "somewhat" normal I would have told you to go to hell. Parents are NOT suppose to out live their children. It does suck!

You do survive; even though it doesn't feel like it right now. My marriage however, did suffer. The doctor's told me that if our marriage was not strong enough to begin with it might not survive the illness. My ex-husband wouldn't talk about it...he kept it inside. And I didn't force the issue; Men feel that they have to be strong for us...they can't show emotion...Truthfully I would have loved for him to show emotion.

I think they do not understand because to them the baby isn't real until he/she is born. You need to talk with your husband let him know that you need to know what he is feeling, tell him how you are feeling; work at this together for you both to survive this and move on with your life.

I do have two beautiful daughters a 17 yo (Same father as my oldest) and a 3 year old (a true gift from God). So you can have more children and as one of the other ladies said your doctor will consider you as a "high risk" pregnancy and watch you even more closely. I am sure you will be nervous especially until you pass the weeks that you lost your 1st born (I know I was); but you will be able to get through it. I promise.

I also believe that you do need to ask your OB/GYN for some depression medication. It doesn't make you forget but it helps you to get through the day and your emotions easier. I have been taking depression meds on and off and it hasn't hurt me or my children one bit. Don't be afraid to ask for help. As for talking to a shrink or support group. I went to both and it was ok; but it was easier to just talk to friends or even strangers about her; yes, I know our situations are a little different; but talking helps and if people are uneasy about it then they truly aren't your friends.

I look back now, and realize everything in our life happens for a reason and even though we don't agree with it, it is for the best.

I know that I have my own guardian angel, Dominique, watching over me and my girls. Granted I would love to have her here with me, but there is a saying that our children "are children are only on loan to us"; but a Parent is NOT suppose to outlive their children.

I pray that you and your husband find peace in your heart, so that you both can continue on your journey together and add to your family.

Bless you both,
G. & Girls

My friend went through the same thing. It broke my heart. I don't know if you are religious, but she focused on knowing that God had a plan for her. She was broken, but always turned to God for healing. She also had the support of friends. I had a miscarriage and I understand to a degree, but could never imagine what you and my friend went through. As far as husbands go, well, they try.........but you're right they seem like they don't understand. I think that men focus on being tough, so they can't let their grief show as much. This makes them think they are being strong for you. With our loss my husband was the same way.
My friend did go on to have another baby. She's a beautiful little girl who is going on two years old now. Don't give up. There is a plan for you too. Something I've learned is everything is on God's time. After my miscarriage, I went on to have a handsome little boy. Best of luck to you and God bless you and your husband.

Hi A. I know a little about what you are feeling. Just a year ago I was pregnant and thought everything would go as normal seeing as I have three children already. I was told I had a Molar Pregnancy. They had to do a DNC on March 10th last year. A Molar pregnancy is when your body thinks you are pregnant and all that forms is tissue and tumors. I am a God fearing christian and do not believe that things just form. I belive there was supposed to be a baby and that baby is waiting for me in heaven. I od not know if you believe in God but that is what helped me cope. I was so devistated at first and I still think about it now. I thought about it the month that baby was due and have been thinking about it seeing as the 1 year DNC anniv. is comming up. Most would not even think about that being important but it is to me! No one not my closest friends asked me how I was doing the month the baby was supposed to be due. I was heartbroken inside. You just have to trust that things will work out better and that you will be able to bear children. You have to muster up strength and be brave and try again.
Again if your believe in God you have to look to him to be your source of strength. I do not believe that God wishes anything like this on us and we may say well then why did it happen. The scriptures say that Satan is a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour. I belive satan is the one who destroyed my pregnancy NOT God.
I hope that this has encouraged you. feel free to contact me. I could go on and on about what I believe, if you want to hear more than jsut email me.

As a side note we are presently trying to have another baby. I have been off my BC for about 3 months and it is nerve racking every month thinking is this the month. However we are so excited and can't wait to add anther somebody to our family.

I will be praying for you
D. M

I am so, so sorry! My heart goes out to you! I had a miscarriage and was devastated. I was a basket case. I grieved for almost a year and mine was not nearly as far along as your baby was. I was a little over 2 months pregnant. Althought my husband was very supportive, he was not sure how to help. It was the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. I had a close girlfriend who really did not get this. She was supportive at first and then thought I was way over the top when I kept grieving and did not understand why it was taking me so long to get over this. She really did not understand the complete loss and helplessness, and depression I was going through ( as most people do not). I found a great little publication/ article that I will try to locate for you called "surviving miscarriage" Not sure I still have it , but I will look for it. I would love to talk to you and tell you more about what happened to us ( it has a happy ending ). Please feel free to contact me at: ____@____.com so we can get in touch and visit on the phone. I will be gone most of the day today but will be home late this afternoon and around this weekend. Hope to talk to you ... P.

A.,
I am so sorry for your loss. I haven't experienced it myself, but have a number of friends who have lost children to miscarriage and still birth. They recommend the organization Mend. (www.mend.org) They are a faith-based community of support for parents who have lost children to still-birth, miscarriage, and early infant death. Mend offers regular support groups where you could meet and talk with other parents who have experienced the same grief you have. If you're not interested in their support groups they offer other resources online. The book Safe in the Arms of God has also been a resource that my closest friend has used and says was very meaningful. It sounds like you're not very interested in talking about your pain, but I encourage you to find some outlet. Talking is a really effective way to process our grief, and it sounds like processing is what you might need most. Good luck!