"High Needs" Toddler??

Hang in there! I have the same child as you! My son has always been very needy of my time. I don't the MAGICAL answer but I will tell you don't get so caught up dreading coming home to the situation or worrying on how to fix it.(that is what I did). I remind my self to enjoy and embrace him as he is now. 3. Loving his mommy.The dinner, cleaning sometimes even his Dad has to wait awhile so we can enjoy sometime together after being apart all day.so the dinner isn't served by six and we might not get our bath on time but it gets done and we are both alot calmer by the end of the evening.Try setting aside even 30 minutes when you first get home to focus just on her.Reading,tickling,playing...whatever is your special time together. Doing that has helped me and my son. I think they miss us so much but they are to young to understand or even communicate the feelings they have.Try it! Just please remember she is only little for a little time. They grow so fast, dinner will always need cooked and the house cleaned.My house is not spotless but my child is happy! Just remember the day will come when she grows up and moves away and it will be you yearning for her attention.

One of the things that I have done is I created a pantry for my daughter so that she can play while I am cooking. I open the pantry and everything in it is totally something she can play with and occassionally I will put a surprise in the cabinent so that when she opens the door there is something fun for her to play with.

I also use word games and sing songs etc. I agree with the response about her being gifted. I think that is a real possibility. And of course she may just miss you. There are days that I invite my niece (11 yrs) and nephew (7yrs) or neighbor girl (12yrs) so that they can play with her while I have some personal time. They LOVE it and she loves them. Maybe you have some older kids in your nieghborhood or family that could come by and help you out for a few minutes right when you get home?

My little girl (who just turned 2 last week) is very much the same way. When I stayed at home with her it was better because she would take some time to play by herself and have her personal time, but now that I'm working if I'm home she's on my leg crying and wanting to play. I think it's a combination of missing me and exhaustion from playing all day. I read a book once that said that kids have meltdowns for the people they love the most and I have to say my litle one must love me a lot! My husband works swings, so I am also alone with her in the evenings like you would be and it's hard. I've tried to uncomplicate dinner prep (so I won't burn things like I did last night :( ) and make sure I set aside time for just the two of us where she can have control of what we are playing. It doesn't always work, but she seems to enjoy it when it does. Good luck!

A.
It is like everything else we do with our babies, we spoil them. It comes natural to us. My daughter would not sit in a swing, bouncy seat,etc. She simply did not like them. I would lay her on a blanket or in her infant seat, an amuse her with a toy. Try spending a little play time, 20 min. or so, with her, before starting dinner. While in the kitchen, in a safe area, try putting a small entertainment center for her to play, while you cook. You could cook and visit at the same time. She will eventually have less and less CLING time. It is like taking away the bottle, it is a habit when they get older. As long as YOU let them do things, they will continue to do them. Try doing more activities where you are not constantly holding her, but teaching her to be a little independent. She will eventually enjoy doing more little things on her own. But always remember to get that big hug and kiss when you think you both need it.

Good luck Let us know how it goes
S. MIller

i was reading this thinking "I feel your pain" my daughter is 11months and has always been a "high needs" child as well. Yes, i have heard of that term! i even bought a book, it didn't help but it a least let me know that i wasn't alone. i have finally come to the conclusion that it is what it is and if she needs me to hold her "all of the time" then i have decided that oh well, one day i will wish that she still wanted me to hold her! i know that doesn't help much, but what else can you do? one of my friends (by the way, none of my friends truely understand, they have told me "let her cry" the only problem with that which you probably already have experienced is that "letting her cry" only escaltes the problem and makes her cry even harder and then it takes a long time to calm her down!! anyway, one of my friends pointed out to me that i do work 9 hours a day and that is 9 hours that she doesn't see me, her daycare is close to my office so i started visiting with her at lunch to break up that 9 hours that she doesn't see me and that helped tremendously!!! if you need to vent to someone who knows, feel free.

L. W.

A.,

Hang in there! My daughter was the same way.
She wants your attention..give it to her as soon as you get home and she will give you some "me" time. Your "me" time will increase as time passes. My daughter is 3 now and she is so confident and independent. She has spent an hour or more this morning entertaining herself.
Some days you could use a crock pot, so dinner is ready when you get home.
Also, ask her to be your helper..this worked with my daughter. For example, I let her dump the pasta in the water. I talk to and show her what I'm doing. So, I am able to get dinner ready and at the same time we spend time together. I also invested in a little kitchen set for her that is in my kitchen, so she can pretend cook..I've let her put real sliced carrots in her pots and "cook" them on her stove. I also have mommy and me aprons that we put on.
I highly recommend Dr. Sears book, The Successful Child.

In the next 9 months you'll have a totally different child.
Cherish this time.

Good luck.

B.

The fact that you are single is a big problem. I have one of these high maintenance kids. My first son was an independent child that could play by himself and even fall asleep wherever he happened to be playing. Then our second son came along 4 years later. From the moment he was born we knew he was very different. He enjoyed nursing much more than the other one and always had to be held. Luckily I had my husband to hold him most of the time and then the grandparents helped too. He developed into a Daddy's boy for a while. He needed us to lie down with him when he took his naps and would scream for us to come into the bathroom to get him out of the tub (even though he was old enough to get himself out). He always wants someone right there to participate in his game or TV show. He is 9 now and he is so funny and social. He has tons of friends and we tease him about having a party a week to go to. My other son has very few friends that he calls and never goes to parties or social functions. So there are advantages to each kind of kid. The first one is easier but more troubling as they get older. The second one is exhausting at first but later they can be your ticket to having lots of new friends and trying lots of great adventures. My 9 year old always wants to hug me and tells me he loves me. My older one cringes when I touch him. At this point in their lives I am enjoying the high maintenance kid better but it was very hard at first. Many times I just had to leave the dishes, leave the dinner and just sit down with him for a while and give him undivided attention. Good luck.

A. I have the same problem with my youngest, as soon as we get home work he is screaming whats me to hold him, play with him, everything for him. He does not want his sisters, his cup nothing, just for me to hold him and play or talk to him. What I started to do when I get home is I put him in his high chair and I have him help me cook dinner he can taste the food has we cut it, cook it, and so far this has worked. Sometimes I have to put him on the counter, it works better,but of course it takes alittle longer, because you have to watch them closer but it works.Good luck remember it takes two weeks to make a habit and 21 days to break it. Good luck, it is very hard being the mother and father I have to do it for four children, so I can understand where you are coming from.

She is probably gifted. You guys might see me say this in answer to a number of things, but gifted children can be truly high maintenance, and whats worse is that they're smarter than you think and are demanding and manipulative. I remember reading an article "How having a gifted child ruined my home life" Of course, I don't feel that strongly, but it is a lot of work, a lot more than I was prepared for as a first time mom. My oldest daughter was the same way you are describing. The first 3 months she slept on me - or wouldn't sleep, she only slept a few hours at a time and not nearly 8 a day, then as she got older she wanted to look at EVERYTHING and would point in the direction she wanted you to go and finally started talking at 7 months. Before the talking was in full force, I took her to the doctor for the constant whining and crying only to be told that her body wasn't catching up with her mental development and that usually a child as bright as her could crawl and explore and she was sooo frustrated that she whined to demand us to take her exploring "go see dat, go see dat, GO SEE DAT!!!!! Blaaaahhhh!!" I could hardly get a shower every couple of days - Mom's attention was prized over Dad's and she made no effort to hide it. She is still a drama queen, but now that she has other interests, I get a break. She'll be starting middle school next year and I still get "Mom, you and I haven't spent enough alone time together and I feel like you don't care about me." There is ALWAYS something she needs, and brace yourself for the complaining...we MAKE her name good things about her day. And yes, other moms did not know or understand. I was told I was exaggerating and put down at mommy groups ("oh, yeah, she's already saying bye bue...uh huh ~ she won't eat broken pretzels?? oh, pahleese)...then one of my friends kept her at age 2...Hah! She told me that my one kid was harder to keep up with than both of hers together. And she made the point that she WAS NOT a brat, she just had a lot of "needs" and made constant requests for help or attention (I need a green crayon and this one is aqua...I can't find green ~sob~).

From all of the reading I've done, I would have to say that she is not being a discipline problem, but her active mind just requires more stimulus. Try word games while you cook. "what does cat start with?" then spell it, and so on. Ask her to go find a red (or a paticular character or another color) toy and then praise her when she returns, ask her to put that one away and start over -make it sound exciting. Talk about making dinner on the way home, tell her what you're cooking and ask her if she knows what you need out of the fridge next and let her try to get it for you, or find it. It helps because its a game, and they're learning. We did this in the car too. Car rides were hard for us..point out colors and sign shapes (Look, a red octagon!). Those magna-doodle boards are great for the car as well. All I can say is ~Buckle Up for the ride~

MAKE SURE she is challenged once she starts school or she WILL be considered a discipline problem by her teachers. Teachers that are geared for gifted children look at a child telling them that they're wrong as the child being bright and thinking outside the box...regular teachers look at it as a problem with authority...go figure. We didn't have this problem until Kindergarten..also..there are public funded programs for children with exceptionalities (this means both sides of the bell shaped curve)as early as age 3. (free preschool if you're gifted OR slow)

My daughter is wonderfully talented in so many ways and has such a good heart. I am so proud of her and would not trade her for the world. The best things are worth working hard for, and we intend to continue to steer her away from self-centeredness and teach her how to be more objective. Hold on tight!

Feel free to write me if you have questions, or want to vent and remember you've been given the priveledge of guiding a wonderful gem among children and partly, her potential rests in your hands(This helps when you wanna scream...heh).

Please excuse the rambling, but it all ~feels~ relavant = )

It sounds pretty normal to me. I went back to work when my daughter was 5 months old. Since that time, she is now 1, she has been much needier than my son with whom I was able to stay home. I think that she just needed me so much when I got home that there was no substitute.

I started by using an Ergo baby Carrier. It allowed me to put her up on my back so that she could go with me everywhere that I went.

My husband was in Iraq at the time, so I understand the demands of a single mother.

How about instead of setting up separate activities for her, get her involved in what you are doing. Are you cooking? Put her in her high chair, pull it up to the counter and give her measuring cups and some rice. Cleaning? Give her a little rag to wipe up after you. Let your chores be her activities.

Look at some Montessori sites for suggestions.

Also, remind yourself, too soon will be the days when our children think that they don't need us at all. Revel in the moment.

Some children are more clingy, obviously. You will need to find her things that she can do to "help" you rather than clinging to you. Maybe she could stir some shell noodles in a bowl while you cook, put lids on (or off) the plasticware, etc. I have a friend whose daughter is clingy and it is a tough issue. If she has a fav. tv show or video, let her watch it while you are together in the same room while you fix dinner and unwind from the workday. You will be together but able to accomplish what you need. Good luck and I do think she will outgrow it but when ... who knows.

I am speaking as a mom and a teaher, your child is needy because she does not have a lot of your time. Being a single mother is HARD. I know that you do not do this on purpose but she misses you all day while you are at work and so when you are home evenings weekend she wants your undivided attention. Maybe try devoting 1/2 - 1hour with her at night that is all her. I know it is hard but she just misses you.

I wouldn't qualify my daughter as high needs, but she definitely needs mommy time when I get home from work. Here's what I try to do: Make sure that first thing when you get home that you do something together, color, read go for a walk anything that lets you have 20 or 30 minutes of time together. Then get her involved in cooking etc. as others have suggested. I find it tough to get into big meal prep. etc. in addition to everything else that needs to be done before bedtime, so we usually just have her dinner and I eat with my husband when he gets home after she's in bed. She does better if I talk to her while she's playing even though I'm not on the floor with her (or in the high chair where she can see what you're doing - explain what you're making), and bringing some toys, projects into the kitchen is fine too. Even though I don't usually eat, she sometimes also asks me to sit next to her at the table. Maybe not the family dinner ideal that many people strive for, but I figure that it's what I can do right now while my husband is in night classes. You might consider whether you can find the time on weekends or the night before after she goes to bed if you can start premaking meals, casseroles and such that need only to be reheated and will require less of your time & attention. Good luck, and if it helps, it's my opinion that there is nothing wrong with sometimes saying "I would love to play with you right now, but have to (cook dinner/shower/clean/etc.) I'll play with you when I'm finished" and being firm about it. It seems like sometimes because they're NEVER alone at day care, which in addition to missing you, makes it really tough for them to learn to have a some alone time & that if you don't force them to be a little independent they just don't learn (I mean 5 or 10 minutes solo play in between checking, not all evening alone). Best of luck!

I loved the suggestions others have posted, I think they can be very useful to you! I was wondering who takes care of your baby while you work? A nurthering, caregiver helps lots. Especially when a little child is away at school for a full day! I retired early as a teacher to be at home with my 2 preschoolers, my boy is 2 now and he still wants to be pick up, hold and hug, hug from time to time during the day.
This is the time to put a lot of love and care in that little baby plant! Soon they grow and they become more independent day by day. My oldest 2 daughters are married now and sometimes I used to wonder where does the time go!

Many hugs, I was a single mom for many, many years so I know it can be overwhelming sometimes!
Get support from other women good friends, from places like a good church, it really makes a difference!
R.

My 4th child was like that. She is now almost 12 years old now. There were days that I told her she would be lucky if I lived to see her 2nd birthday, her 3rd birthday, her 4th birthday...etc... (she has a sister 2 years younger and 3 older siblilngs) finally one day I don't remember when it was but it was like she was a new child. Maybe when her father and I split now that I think about it, 5 1/2 years ago. Is there anything stressful in your daughters life, what is her daycare like? I just ask because I had a very bad marriage... and I believe it may have been the reason why my daughter was like that. Would not EVER leave me alone! I locked myself in my room so many times so I wouldn't go crazy. Now it is all better and life is GREAT. I never thought marriage could be so great. My husband now is awesome and my daughter isn't at all like she used to be. There is hope. Hang in there never give up. Sometimes I found that you just really have to stop what you are doing and hold her - read her a book for about 10 minutes. Give her a lot of attention when you see her for the first time everyday.

Hi A.,
I have a 3 year old daughter who is also "high needs". When she was younger she also was not satisfied with a swing or bouncer. Recentley I have found that with my long work hours (6:30am-7:30pm) when I get home I pick her up, get her a stool & she helps me fix dinner. Also during the day I have enrolled her in a dance class that meets 2x a week ( my mother takes her to this). After dinner she helps me pick up, we watch a tv program, get her bath & ready for bed, then we read 2 storys. Over the past month I have noticed that she is not as clingie to me & does not wine as much. She is still hiper as all get out & gets excited when I get ready to do something with her, but over all she is being stimulated more & this has helped her & me both. My nerves are settling & patience are growing. Since your daughter is a little younger you could try giving her some dishes to play with in the kitchen while you cook, hold her up & let her put the clothes in the washer, or dryer. Any little thing like that that keeps her occupied. I know it takes longer to get things done that way, but to be honest since I have started having Lanee help me I spend less time trying to pry her off me & I have found that she brings a comical cuteness to what ever it is i am having her help me with.
I hope this helps, or it least gives you comfort that someone else out there knows what you are going thru.

My oldest daughter will be 5 in a few weeks and has been a high needs child all her life. From day 1 she has wanted to be held and to have someone with her at all times. When she was about 2 1/2 she got much better about playing by herself (as long as she knew I was nearby.) As they get older, they do grow out of it. When I needed some time by myself, I would set her at the table with art supplies (play dough, paint, scissors and glue... etc.) and that would always get me at least 10 minutes to myself to cook dinner or do the dishes- whatever I needed done. We waited 4 years to have another child because Emily took so much time and energy- now I'm starting all over again. Kylie is just like her big sister! Good luck to you!!! I'll say a prayer for you- I know this is tough.

Great answers, good suggestions. The day time care, as others said, may be a part of this. I am sure you have checked that out and know how she reacts there. The only thing I did not see was CROCK POT. We are older adults and only 2 of us now but it helps me greatly. Good luck, sounds like you have a wonderful little girl and she will make you life even more beautiful. God bless.

Hi A.,

I also have the same type of child...I am a mother of 4 and have went back to work each time.The only difference is my last child who is now 18 months is more attached to me then any of the others were.He as at my side every minute i am not at work.He is like my little shadow.He always hugs and kisses all over me and when I am away at work all he does is sit around like he is in withdrawl.When I do return he runs over wants to be held and kisses all over me and wants to be rocked.When he was younger he hated his swing too. He did not mind the bouncey seat as long as he could see me.I get very fustrated because when I cook and need to get things around the house done he is there and usually gets stepped on when I go to turn around...I started to feel bad as I rocked him to sleep the other day that I get so upset about the situation when here is this little person that loves me so much and really does not know any other way to show it but the way he does...Your not alone with this type of child and really if you stop and look at it you would probably be lost out of your mind without her...

YES! sounds just like my son. read the Fussy Baby Book by Dr Sears. it described my son to a T and really helped me out with understanding him and what he needs. my daughter fits the bill too, and knowing how to deal with a high needs baby before she was born has really helped both of us begin our relationship smoothly and deal with transitions and daily life easier. it also helps you accept your baby, and not comare to those quietly sleeping alone in their clamshell strollers! try a sling or an ergo, it might really help with her feeling of attachment and safety. my high needs, slept no where but on my chest, nursing all day and night two year old, is now a happy, well adjusted, independent, empathetic, snuggly four year old who holds and sleeps with his baby sister. give her what she needs, and you will be amazed at the love coming out of her as she gets older.

She will grow out of this soon enough, and you will be wishing for your little girl back. LOL
When my son was little, when I cooked I would put him in his high chair, so he could see me cooking and I would talk or sing to him, I even explain my cooking to him. I would give him some raw veggies or fruit to snack on. Sure did help and kept him safe to.

I had children like this. She will grow out of it eventually. You have described her "neediness", and that is what it is. She needs you. I have no quick fix, except for you to keep reminding yourself that one day you will look back and long for these days. This time is what precious memories are made of.

Why don't you try to set aside about one hour each afternoon when you get home to sit down with her and completely engage in an activity with her. After that hour is up, tell her that you need to get up and make dinner. If you start some type of routine with her where she knows and can look forward to getting that one hour that is all hers, she might give you a little time to get your things done. Just be consistant.
Hope this helps.

This might be obvious, but she wants YOU. It sounds like she gets very little attention at her day care. Is she at a large day care or at someone's home?

Is there any way you can do your work at home a couple of days a week? Can you get a job at a day care so you are with her? Ideally, I would tell you to quit work for a couple of years, but that is probably not practical for you.

Children learn through interaction with their adults. What is she learning from you when you don't interact with her?

I know this isn't what you were looking for. Best wishes on getting some ideas.

Hey A.,
My son was that way, could'nt be left alone for a minute.
It's a little seperation anxiety and it comes with the temper and age of the kiddo. If you give her a year or so, she should come out of it.

Some kids are just needy that way.

Some things for you to do is not stress over it, take a deep breath and roll your shoulders and remember she doesn't know whats going on, only that you were gone and now you are home. Put a play pen where she can see you making dinner and put her in it to keep her out of your hair while working around a hot stove, and remember that its ok to let her cry! She will get over it as long as you don't cave or get upset. Cooking dinner takes what, half an hour? As long as she isn't messy, without a bot or toys she'll be fine.

And talk to her. Tell her what you are doing, she can't respond in the traditional way but she will respond. Giver her a pot and a wooden spoon to beat on! Join her in her noise!

And remember its all over soon. Enjoy it while it lasts!
R.

Have you checked out what is going on at her daycare during the day? Its just a thought. Is there anyway you can set some time aside when you first get home for some one on one time? Even if it is just 15 or 20 min. before you start dinner. I know being a single mom has to be tough but it sounds to me like your daughter is needing more of your attention.

As a Grandmother, Mom, Sp.Ed.Teacher, I think she is getting to the age to start setting limits with her. You need a little time for yourself, too. Give her something to do where you are, that will allow you to cook or whatever. Be mindful of the fact that she has no time concept, yet. Give her toy pots and pans and let her 'cook for her dolly,' while you cook for the two of you. Engage her in conversation, while you do whatever you are doing. The big thing to tell her is when Mommy is finished what she is doing, then you two can have cuddle time. As long as she knows you are not far away from her, she will eventually figure it out. You sound like you are an understanding Mom, but this needs a firm hand and determination on your part.

It is tough sometimes to listen to them crying. I think she is just now old enough to give her cuddling when you first get home with her; sit her firmly down beside where you are working; and tell her no, she needs to stay in her space so she doesn't get hurt as you cook. It will eventually become your routine, together.

B. M.

My son is the very same way - but ONLY with his father. I'd like to know too!