Help! My Kids Don't like My Friend's Parenting!

Hi A.,
I've been in your exact same situation. They were more friends of my Husbands then mine, I just went along but they were ALWAYS fighting and it drove me crazy. The wife would come to me nagging about the husband and the husband would be in the other room with my husband nagging about the wife!
It was so annoying and very immature and of course their son was right in the middle of it all. Most of the time it seemed the arguing would have something to do with parenting disagreements.
My daughter was around 3 at the time so didn't really have a full understanding of what was going on and low and behold, the couple finally got a divorce!

They still argue constantly and the last time we went to hang out with the Husband, he was just fighting with her over the phone and it made me really uncomfortable the things he was saying right in front of his son.
I just don't take my daughter around him anymore. I don't like being around people like that who have such negativity in their lives. I feel our children are going to be exposed to so much in their lives and if there's one negative situation we can avoid bringing them around, then avoid it!

Is it possible for ya'll to get a sitter for the night if you go hang out with them? I know that's not always convenient to do that but if you can't then I would advise you to avoid bringing your son around them as much as possible if he's starting to be affected by their yelling.
They should have enough respect to take that somewhere else when others are around (especially children) and if they can't then keep him away from them. I'm sure it's affecting him more than you realize so as a parent, just do what's the healthiest for your little guy so he's only exposed to healthy relationships!

Good Luck and hope everything works out.

If she is your best friend, it might be easier just to sit down and say, "we find it uncomfortable how their is a lot of yelling and fighting going on in your home, and I don't want my son around that kind of environment". Maybe tell her when you and your husband get in disagreements, you try and keep it quiet and take it to your bedroom as to not upset the children. If she is concerned about it, maybe even tell her that you are concerned for her own child... (Of course, it depends on how strong the relationship is between you two).

If you say it's your son that doesn't like it, she may just retaliate saying your son is being immature or whiny (I know people that backlash at children for observing their bad behavior). So try and make it as unified as you and your son don't like it.

If she disagrees, then tell her that her child is more than welcome to come play at your house, but your child won't be going over there again until things change because he is really upset by it.

I feel sorry for their child most of all, how sad to be raised in that type of stressful environment. I like what Darla said about recomending a book, and how to go about it. My friends and I are always recommending new parenting books to each other, so hopefully she won't take offense. And quiz her about certain chapters every now and then, just to see if she is even reading it.

OR>>>>>>>>> Perhaps she is having a really difficult time in her marraige right now, and you can just sit down with her as a friend and ask sincerely "if there is anything wrong?" and "can I help out with anything?" You can tell her some of your son's observations, and just say that you are there for her if she ever needs to talk.

Hi A.,

Oh boy do I soooo feel your pain - accept, it's not a friend, it's my sister. I have absolutely no advice because I don't know how to handle it either. The only great thing is she lives in GA so I only have to be around it a few times a year (and of course every phone conversation). It's so bad that my nine year old daughter refuses to spend the night with my sister when we visit even though she loves her daughter (her cousin) so my niece always stays with us at the hotel during our visits back home. Sad, isn't it. Best wishes on this difficult situation. :-(

You are right to keep your mouth shut but in your son's eyes you are condoning it. I would remove my family from a family that behaves that way. Children become who their surroundings are. Who we hang with is who we become. Demonstration love and patience and caring should be mentoring to your children. My opinion and I hope I have not stepped out of turn too. God Bless G. W

One of my very close friends is a yeller too (sometimes an outright screamer) and it drives me crazy as well. I can usually just say her name in a certain tone and she'll tone it down, or I'll ask her "Are you okay?" in a very concerned way, and that opens the door so she can vent her frustrations to me instead of taking them out on her son. :) I think people just get in the habit of doing something and don't even realize it unless it's pointed out to them (in a nice way). I guess it would really depend on your friend's personality too though. If you've been lifelong friends you can probably think of ways to let her know how you're feeling and show her what she's doing without ending the relationship. I've also told my friend that her son tunes her out when she's yelling. They get so used to hearing it all the time it isn't even effective anymore. She admitted I was right, but I know it's just a hard habit for her to break.

Nattalie is right on. I'd just stay away as much as possible & maybe just "wean" your exposure & let that friendship cool off- invite the little boy over to your house instead of sending your son there. If she is your best friend, have you thought of broaching the subject w/ her? Very difficult, I know, but maybe that is a blind spot for her. She just doesn't realize its a problem or that she yells as much as she does. You could even- very diplomatically- recommend "Parenting With Love & Logic," "How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen" or ha! ha! "10 Stupid Thing Couples do to Mess Up their Marriages" ("You know, I was reading ... the other day & it had some really great information on ... It really helped me with ... That might help you with ..."- THAT kind of diplomatic)

D.