Help - My 2 Year Old Is Out of Control....

I know this might sound mean, but it really does work. IGNORE HIM. If he is throwing fits, act like you don't see or hear it. I'm not saying walk away from him outside (which is easiest to do inside), just act like him having a fit is something that you do not see or hear. And yes, I do speak from experience...I have 3 boys ages 19, 10, and 8...all of which decided to try this trick for attention somewhere around 2 yrs. Once they decide they aren't going to get you to pay attention to them when they act this way, they catch on and decide that being good gets them the attention they want and need. Please trust me....acting like it bothers and upsets you just gives him a reason to scream louder. I hope this helps, and BTW...it really did work on all 3 of my boys. And I am not saying it was easy, it broke my heart to walk right by them in the house like they weren't there.

My 2 1/2 year old responds well to this; I tell him "you are hassling my ears", I put him in his room with the door open, and tell him to come out when he is finished. Usually doesn't last long because he wants to come back out and be with me.

For my 2 1/2 year old son when he started his tantrum if he is not hurting himself or anyone else I walk away and ignore him and after a couple of time doing that it eventually stopped because he did not get any attention doing it. Hope this helps.

Whatever you are doing to stop the tantrums is the attention he is looking for. When you change your reaction, he will stop the tantrums.

What works best is just to walk away (unless you are in public of course) and not give any attention to your son as he throws his tantrum.

Start with the next tantrum at home. Have everyone agree to leave the room - without saying a word - once the tantrum starts. Without an audience, he will quiet down and realize that he isn't getting what he wants.

He may start crying in earnest at that point, but then these tears are not a tantrum - they are sadness. Sadness can be talked about and worked through. Then you can talk about YOUR sadness when he is so loud and disruptive.

Toddlers will do anything to get attention - so pay "attention" to the attention you are giving him. A direct, angry response to poor behavior is exactly the attention some kids love. But NO kids like to be ignored. This is why ignoring the child* during the behavior works so well.

*This is different from ignoring the behavior by the way. Putting up with behavior that is disruptive is never a good thing.

Hi there,

I encourage you to continue to talk to other moms too, but all I can say is that my sweet, adorable, EASY little guy turned crazy at 2.5. I was so worried it was something I'd done or I don't know what. Then a friend of mine told me that 2.5 was also difficult for her son, then other mom's concurred. I think each kid hits the "terrible 2's" at different times, some at 18 mos, some at 2, some at 2.5 and some at 3. I will say that it has gotten better, but its still there at times. I remember after about 8 weeks or so, finally feeling like I had my son back, but every now and them he slips back into the overly emotional, tantrum having little fella. A more gentle approach worked for my son- not always, but a harsh or authoritative approach often made things worse. I think they are jusy so sensitive and confused at this age, its a good time to start teaching them about their emotions, tellijng them its ok to be scared, sad or angry and helping them label it. They do seem to get set off by absolutely nothing- but that's our adult perspective. A great book recommendation that helped me through this time: "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn. Good Luck!! It gets easier!

:) Been there, done all of what you're doing, and then remembered that when he first started trying tantrums out at a year or so, the only thing to do is don't look at him. Don't talk to him, don't show any reaction to the fit. The more you react, the longer it will last, as it is getting attention. Does he do it when you are engaged in a conversation with another adult or child? My kids get the craziest when I do that. Even if he's doing it out of frustration, you have to let him stop before talking to him. And if you do, make it short like, "we use our words". Something else I used to do is start turning around looking for something saying hey where'd my boy go? Where is he? and when he uses his words, act exhasperated, and say, "oh, THERE you are! I couldn't find you!" And move on to something else.

If this started suddenly I agree with those who said have him evaluated to make sure there isn't anything physical or medical going on. Other than that, maybe she should try signing up for an ECFE class. I found them to be lifesavers when my kids were that age. She should also check out two books by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka: "Raising your spirited child," and "Power Struggles."

If he's precocious I'd go with that - assuming that he's not sick or in pain obviously. Kids want to learn how to get attention or how to control their environments. Do not underestimate the focus and power of a precocious child. People who don't have kids like this can't believe that such a young child could be manipulating the system (or the parent) My advice: Better Believe it Baby!!! There are some good books about parenting spirited children and gifted children. The best solution I have found is to set firm but reasonable limits and ultimately don't let the child control the agenda. My parents used to say to me, "the world doesn't revolve around you." And I think that there must be a balance between being kind and supportive and understanding but also firm and clear and concrete in plans and expectations. With my son, I had to tell him in advance exactly what we were going to do and what I expected him to do. He couldn't even converse yet as a toddler, but when I said we're going in the car and we're going to the store and you're going to sit quietly and if you're good, we'll read a story when we get home. But then you also need to follow through and if he does what you want then you have to do something for him. 2, 3, 4 are tough ages when they think they know it all and want life their way or the highway. Transitions were absolutely the worst for us, so we worked on that. He needed work on transitions until he was 12 - lol. It was painful and hard, but one day it just clicked and now he's ready to move on whatever the next thing might be.

Lastly, my experience was that when the fits started they just had to run their course. We took our son to a behavioral specialist to rule out all the inherent possibilities such as autism, aspbergers, ADHD, etc. He was 3 and a half at that point and they told us after 4 days of testing that all they they could say was that he showed tendency to be impulsive and profoundly gifted. For a long time that giftedness was almost like a disability, but we've had a ton of support and professional reinforcement (basically reminding us that he's fine/we're fine). We go through ups and downs as many parents do, and needless to say, he still has his occasional fit of pique which looks different than it did at 2,3, and 4 but he's a passionate, gifted person who we enjoy so much and are so proud of. Make sure that the parents understand that it's not their fault, he will out grow some of it, and to remember that our gifts are sometimes our greatest challenges.

Some of the things that have worked for me are Walking away, as long as the child is in a safe area to do so, Ignoring the naughty behavior and rewarding the good behavor and this one is really really weird, but my really explosive one was in the middle of one and I, out of frustration, turned to her and yelled "TURN IT OFF!!" She was chee and made like she was shutting something off and stopped the crying and the kicking. It was weird and we both just stood there staring at each other trying to figure out what next. I recovered first, thankfully ;), and told her good job and gave her a big hug. We use it all the time now, she is almost 4 and still get cranky. Good Luck!

Hi W., I know what your going through, my son is 3 1/2 and still throws those types of fits. He wont listen or answer you.. So when he acts like that, i put him in the bedroom and tell him not to come out until he calms down and usually that works.....Hope that helps you.

Tantrums are a toddlers way of expressing frustration and other unhappy emotions. Make sure he is safe and walk away from him. Once he calms down, ask him why he felt this way. What ever he tells you be saportive and understanding of his feelings. Then help him find ways other ways of dealing with his feelings and explain why you need him to do whatever it is he needs to do (like get out of car).

Put a play pen in a room that can be closed off to traffic. Each and every time he does it take him in there, put him in the pen, turn off the light, and shut the door. Don't go back in until he is completely done. With one of mine she got so mad she screamed at me for an hour. I didn't say a word and I didn't go in until she quite. It took two or three days and we were pretty much over it. I figure either take care of it now or take care of it when they are even bigger and have had more practice doing it. I had a nephew that would even go so far as to bang his head on the floor. He tried it on me once. I did the same thing for him as I did for my own and he quit for me but continued for his parents.

I agree with much of what has been suggested, especially Michelle H and Cindy L.
"The Spirited Child" is a MUST read for you (helped me tons with my 3rd of 4 children).
Also, allergies can be the cause of his behaviors as well. I have had my kids GFCF, and even the teachers noticed a difference!
I heard another expert say the first thing he would do for our children is to keep them from food dyes/coloring.
You may want to look into the 'Elimination Diet', where you take one thing away for an extended period of time in order to pinpoint what is triggering the behavior.

Good luck, J.

Luckily our daughter went thru this for only a short time during her "two's". When she did start with the tantrum, my husband or I would take her to a bedroom and hold her in our laps until she calmed herself down. We wouldn't talk to her, we would just scoop her up, go into the other room and hold her until she stopped.

It seemed to work for her, good luck. I think the most important thing is to stay calm, whatever you do.

Welcome to the terrible 2's. There are a million things to try-the best option for me was to ignore it and walk away-but, he's now 7 and still has them from time to time, Our Ped put my son on Risperdal when he was 3 to help him sleep through the night. His comment to me was "Aren't you a b*&%$ when you don't get enough sleep?? Well then, how do you expect a small child to act when he's tired and doesn't even know what the problem is??"
My current Ped won't give me the drug, and my son is even asking for it now....He has given us Melatonin... for natural sleep remedy.

This is why they are called the Terrible Twos. They are growing up and we call them "big boy" but they are still little, just wanting to do more big boy things, like make decisions and do what he wants to do when he wants to do it. "I can do it myself!" is big at this age, which is great because we don't really want to do it all when they are 10. With all the new things he wants to do, he doesn't yet have the "labels" for what he feels or the ability to make clear what he wants and tempers flair out of frustration. He needs to learn to control these tempers and it takes a little bit. First of all, walk away instead of reacting to fits. When he sees it doesn't do any good, he will try different things to get attention. Next give him the labels to explain his frustrations, "You are angry because you can't have that cookie" or "you are tired and that makes your body feel yucky" which is why he might be throwing fits when there isn't any reason for them. I use this on my 22 month old granddaughter and it seems to calm her down pretty fast.

Serious rebellion alert! Get a copy of What the Bible Says About Child Training by Fugate ASAP and get on your knees in prayer for strength to do right by your child. Consistency and a plan of attack are in order. You can read how to be successful in this area faster than I can type the ideas for you. But do it now, while your child is still young enough for you to turn the situation around.

SAHM of seven

Sounds like you have had some good advice, but this worked for me. My twins were in the terrible 2's at 18 months til almost 3. What worked for me was vinegar titled "icky stuff". They were biting each other, me and anything when they had their tantrums. I used diluted vinegar with water, a dab on my finger and in their mouth. Some times I would hold them down threatening to use "icky stuff" and that would work in its self most times. My kids could vocalize, not sure about yours. This help me - good luck.

I don't really have advice, but wanted to say that my almost 2 1/2 year old is very difficult in this same way so you are not alone. In some ways I think it is a phase, but I know all 2 year olds aren't this extreme! For mine if I observe closely a lot of times I can figure it out. A lot of times when there seems no apparent reason for the tantrum I realize what he was trying to do and was struggling so it is a frustration tantrum at himself. Mine is very independent and does not want help doing much of anything, but will throw a tantrum if he struggles. It is frustrating for both of us! I try to ignore, but they aren't going away so it isn't working unless I'm giving attention in ways I'm unaware of. All the screaming stresses me out!

Another thing to check is if he's getting enough sleep. Sleep deprivation will wreak havoc with your child's behavior. Another poster recommended Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, great books! She also has a book called Sleepless in America. Before you drive yourself crazy with disciplining, check to make sure he's sleeping well. Otherwise, we would offer our son words. "Are you sad? Are you sad because you dropped your toy?" Something along those lines, and it was enough to calm him down. Eventually instead of throwing bad tantrums he would just say I'm sad/mad, etc. He'd still cry about it, but he was much easier to calm down because he had words to express himself.

I've known moms with kids as young as 3 with rage issues and ADHD symptoms can start that early. They have gotten the best results with nutritional food supplement that is 98% absorbed by the body. --R. H.

This poor child needs to be assessed for Food Allergies and Sensitivities. I know all kids are different, but my son used to be like this and we used to make him sit in time out, etc. to no avail - the behavior continued and got worse. Turns out he is allergic to Eggs, Dairy, Wheat and Soy. Wheat and Soy, when allergy is present, act as MORPHINE in the brain (no kidding - read www.gfcfdiet.com) and can interfere with normal behavior.

I don't know how well this will be accepted, but here goes. My youngest threw one temper tantrum for my mother. She told her to stop and when she continued she went into the kitchen and got a very little water in a glass and threw it in her face. That was the one and only time she threw a temper tantrum. She was about 2 or 3 at the time. I know it sounds mean, but it sure worked. By the way, she had been throwing tantrums for me for several months at least and nothing worked, but this did!!! She was never afraid of water and can swim well enough to save herself and her son. She is almost 33. After my mom threw the water in her face she looked at her and asked "why did you do that?" Mom told her if she threw a tantrum again, she would get some more water in her face. If I remember, it was only about a tablespoonfull of water.
I hope this helps. Even if it doesn't work or she doesn't want to try that one, tell her I hope she enjoys her son no matter what he does. They are only young once and you just have to love them.

We have always done the ignoring thing with our kids. Of couse at some point we want some sanity, so after some time we'll just tell our son, to stop or he's going in time out. We count to 3 and if he's not done, up he goes to his room until he's done. THey usually subside pretty quickly, once he's been put in time out.

2 is a tricky age, they want their independence, but they also don't..hence the terrible twos.

Sorry, I didn't read all your responses so I apologize if this is a repeat. There is a book called "Happiest Toddler on the Block." It talks about dealing with tantrums such as this...especially if your child isn't able to say much yet. Often kids are really frustrated because they aren't understood. I haven't read the book but I did see a video of the methods used in some training I took. It was amazing to watch it work. Hope this helps.

The reason children this young have seemingly random tantrums has very little to do with getting attention and nothing to do with trying to manipulate a situation. Their brains have tons of extra neural connections and those connections do not have as much myelin on them as you and I have. Myelin acts like insulation that protects electrical wires. So imagine a bunch of bare electrical wires shoved together in a jumble with little insulation around the wires. You would have a lot of short circuits! This describes the toddler brain. Most tantrums are just a short circuit.

This doesn't mean that you should just give in to it (this will train their brains to start to manipulate the situation over time). Instead you should keep from losing your temper, stay calm and provide the space or support they need to clm down. This can be a little different for each kid. Some kids do best if you sit down and wrap them into a tight ball in your arms and hold steadily. Some kids do better if you give them a quiet safe place to be by themselves until the "storm" passes.

Things that can help lessen the number of tantrums: avoid sugary diets and high carb diets, provide lots of protein and good fats in their diet, give them fish oil or flaxseed oil supplements, avoid artificial dyes (especially red dye #40), don't try to accomplish anything when they are hungry or tired, and give them some choices in their life whenever reasonable (limit choices to 2 possibilities and never give them a choice if you aren't willing to honor what they choose).

Most of all be patient and stay calm because in the long run that is what will help them the most. Their little brains will grow out of this stage.

Hi W.,

Have you had him checked by your doctor?

He might have stomach cramps. Monitor his eating habits and keep a lof of what he eats. Then try and see if there are any similarities. It could be gas, could be he is simply testing you both. They don't call it the terrible twos for nothing! Ha! But seriously, make sure he is physically okay in everyway and if he is, he could be just testing you.

I know the only time our son did that was when he had gas. He didn't know how to explain to us that there was something wrong and he was scared.

Kids don't react for any reason. Ask your little guy lots of questions. He might be able to give you some clues.

Does he do this with everyone? Or just mom & dad?

Is it all the time? Is it during certain times during the day, night? He might be autistic. One never knows.

There are so many things that could be going on.

best wishes.

J.

My daughter started doing this a few months ago, she was about 20 months. I was talking to my mother-in-law and was telling her the all about how we reached the terrible twos already. She turned and said 'call then the trying twos and the twos will be a lot easier.' If you change your perspective on the situation it may help.

First I made sure that there was nothing else bothering her at her 20 month checkup. The doc said she is very aware and smart so she needs safe choices

She likes to make her own decisions so I give her 2 choices with everything unless it something that she has no say in (like holding my hand in the parking lot). That way she feels she has a say and that I am listening, which makes the situations where she has no say easier because she knows I would let her chose if there was a choice. The choices I offer are like do you want to wear the purple skirt or pink shorts, or do you want water or milk... this way she feels she has the choice but I control the choices but offering only 2. If it is going from the car to house, and it is safe, I usually ask my daughter to carry something inside for me (her cup, fuzzy bear, or book) that way she is on a mission.

Tantrums in public I find more trying no me, I hate making a scene but most people who have/had kids understand so I try to not worry about it. If I am in the store say we have to get food and she can help find what we need... if this does not help and can put of the shopping then we leave or if we have a lot of items in the cart I buy what we have and leave ASAP. But often I cannot put off the shopping trip so I find a corner in the store where I put the cart and let her run her course (she is sitting in the cart facing a wall and I stand on the other end of the cart). If I am at a mall or clothing store I put everything down and leave, more then likely those trips don't need to be done then.

If there are tantrums at home she is set in a corner in her room to cry/scream it out. I tell her when she is done she may get up, it took a few times for her to understand that I am serious. If she got up and complained, cried etc at me I sat her right back in the same corner. Now if she starts a tantrum I tell her to go sit down and she goes to her corner... but after a few months of doing this she rarely has a big tantrum. Getting enough sleep is also very important as the other moms have said. For nap I leave her in there till she has actaully taken a nap, some times she plays for an hour before finally falling asleep but she needs to sleep and knows I won't get her till after she actaully naps.

Best of luck to your neighbor, it is a trying time but remember that it is not a terrible time. 2 year olds want to try everything so create safe situations for him to chose from. Also instead of saying just no explain why it is a no otherwise they have no idea why you are saying no and are more likely to do the same thing over and over again.

I, too, find that asking him to help me (my 23 mth old) is a very good distraction. Anytime I know he's about to throw a fit, I'll give him a task. He's very protective of me, and wants to help all the time, so I say, "Mommy REALLY needs your help! This is SO heavy! Can you carry it?" Or I ask him to show me where the door is cuz I "forgot". Try distraction, and also tell him why you are doing it.