Help :(

Hi J.,

I am not disgusted at all by what you have shared. I am proud of you for for sharing what many many moms feel. I have felt the same. I have dedicated my entire life, even as a young child, on how to be the best mom. It is all I have ever really wanted to do. I worked hard to become a teacher so I could understand child development & apply it as a parent.

Right now, with 7, 5 & 3 year old children, I am less than enthusiatstic about my career choice (SAHM). Mommying goes way beyond knowing child development - which does help me parent better, but it is the other things I have a hard time with:

Constant colds, vomiting, hospitalizations, broken bones, attitudes, ear infections, potty training, excessive laundry, no rewards, high expectations, antibiotics, lingering coughs, cracked skin, lyme disease, having to provide every meal & make it healthful, screaming, whining, fighting, broken toys, boogers, belly aches, no sick time for moms, no coffee breaks, no lunch break, middle of the night wakings, waking at the crack of dawn every single day for the past 7 years & seeing no end in sight. This is NOT what I signed up for.

I have learned to cope with it and I know I am doing a good job, but I also know I am not alone. I have met many moms who experience the same feelings. I have known many moms who claim everything is always perfect, well, they are full of baloney.

I have had many moms comment to me that I look like the perfect mom. I always immediately stop and tell that person that their perceptions, although flattering, are not what they seem. I admit to them that I am exhausted, stressed, not having fun all the time. I do not always have a healthful hot meal for them, sometimes I do not read them a bedtime story, sometimes I yell at them for falling and scraping their kneee, I have spanked, I have walked away, I have cried, I am not a perfect mom and I will not let anyone think otherwise. I do not want moms to ever feel inferior or jealous of me for what they see on the outside. When they see me outside riding bikes with my kids, much of the time I'd rather be laying on the couch watching brain numbing tv. I am not perfect. I am a mom.

Now, I do not know what TM is as you had stated but I hope it works for you. I went the anti-depressant route because my severe PMS was only making matters worse. I have actually gone 2 months without and I am finally beginning to feel like I have control of my life as a mommy.

I love my children deeply, and I will not give up my job. Shortly after my first was born a friend said to me that being a parent is hard when you do it the right way. I have analyzed that over and over. It is hard because I am doing what is right. It is hard work making sure they get the recommended amount of sleep, making them eat their veggies, seeing them get their vaccines, not letting them have candy for breakfast, insisting they wear their bike helmet, putting them in time out for hitting.

Sure it would be much easier to let them eat cake for breakfast, let them hit each other, buy them everything they wanted, let them stay up as late as they wanted, let them color the walls with crayons, eat lollipops for lunch, not wash their hands, not potty train them until they are 4, not sit with them while they do homework, not read to them, not teach them how to drink from a cup, not change a wet diaper, not bathe them. Parenting would be easy if you did not care.

PARENTING IS HARD WORK BECAUSE YOU ARE DOING IT RIGHT!

You'll feel rewarded eventually. Keep doing your best. You have support here, and please please please know that despite what you see, read and hear, there is no such thing as the perfect mom. We are all in this together! God bless you!

You are not alone feeling this way. Being a mom is exhausting work and sometimes very overwelming. My daughters pediatrician told me once when I was feeling guilty about something, "There is too much guilt with motherhood." I have 3 kids and it has taken me a long time to find joy in motherhood. Children are amazing little people. I dont sit and hang out w/ my kids much either. I am stay at home mom right now and I babysit. I'm always surrounded by kids. I never get a break. I'm sure you love your kids more than anything but its hard work that never stops. Not to mention you work fulltime. I think talking to other moms and maybe a therapist will help. You could be postpartum also. Symptoms dont always go away as the kids get older. Some people arent even aware they might need a little help. Dont necessaraly rule out medication though. I went on medication after I had my 1st child and it helped my so much. It didnt interfere with any feelings I had. It helped me in so many ways.

Good luck and relax and try to enjoy the kids now. It goes way to fast and you may find yourself wishing you did more later on.

What an honest post. You obviouly really care about your girls and your husband to be reaching out like this.

I truely think that you need to seek out some couseling. You might be a little depressed - which is SO NORMAL - strong, busy moms get depressed! It will help so much to talk to a professional who will help you sort out your feelings. Find a female who specializes in womens issues. Then go. The best part is that it's not going to be forever - just a few months. Even once every two weeks. You will actually look forward to going! You can go, examine your feelings (which are normal), vent a LOT and just let it out. Trust me, you will feel better for doing it. A lot of people have sugested that you do something for yourself - this would be better than a manicure or a hobby since it's definitley something for you that will simply imprive your life. Good luck!!

Question: Do you have help with the house.. you work full time.. and if you don't have help.. then you are probably busy with laundry, cleaning.. cooking.. and probably on the kids to keep the house neat and clean. You are probably tired when you get home.. Can you work from home one day a month.. or take off one day a month and just be with the girls.. I know you love the kids ... but how would you feel if anything happened to them. I had a brother who was handicapped when I was growing up.. and I loved him.. but I hated the fact that people always stared and hating being seen with him... well, when I was 14 he suddendly died... WOW.. it was a real wakeup call.. I never told him I loved him, I never just hung out with him... I never was there for him.. well I learned a deep lesson that day. I regret not just loving him and not just having fun with him. He was wonderful and loving... and I missed him more than anything. I enjoy life now.. make sure I tell people and show them how much I love them. What would you feel if anything happened to your girls...?? Would you look back and the life you have now and have regrets... ? Make life fun for them. Make them happy with just going to the park... or just watching t.v. with mom. Take every Friday night.. and make it fun night.. like go for ice cream.. or have water balloon toss.. just make it the fun night on the calander... Make Sat. morning clean up morning.. and then go for a picnic lunch this week. Make Sunday afternoon walk in the park day.. with husband and girls.. or how about a bike ride around the corner... Make a special dinner.. easy but special.. with the girls.. let them mix the batter for brownies.. or how about fill a bucket with some water... and give them tupperware.. and let them splash around outside... Just live life to the fullest.. and try to enjoy them. You want to do it... you just don't know how to start... I hope this helps.. enjoy them and let them know how much you adore them. have fun...

Also what about having a teenager or 8th or 9th grader coming over to help you out.. maybe if you feel you need to do things around the house.. maybe she can help you and then you both can go out with the kids.. maybe this person or friend can help with having fun. How about a friend.. that is great with her kids.. maybe hang out with them on day.. or a cousin or sister that is a lot of fun. maybe go out with them and the kids.. maybe this would help when you see how others make kids fun... goood luck.. and try to smile and have a good time.. It is going to take time to change.. but you have to change so that their life is fun and so when you look back.. you'll see that you are and awesome mom. it's like me.. I have to lose weight and I fall off the wagon many times... but I try.. so try!! and enjoy ... A. (:

Hi J., I hear what you are saying and truly hope you do not get do not get hateful responses. Your feelings are your feelings and they are neither right or wrong.. just "your" feelings. I have been a mom for 42 years and love it. My daughter on the other hand is also a career/mom and I know she struggles with the same feelings. She loves her 2 beautiful children but many times is clouded with busy days at work that seep into her nights with the children. I feel blessed that I lived through a time when moms stayed home (mind you I was poor as dirt) but my family was and is my life. Things are so different these days. I believe that your best is all anyone can ask of you. Please tell your children how much you love them and want to be the best mom you can be. We all love our moms and I'm sure they love you. Hope your Mothers Day was Happy. My prayers and Blessings to you in your struggle. sincerely,Grandma Mary

Hi J. -- I can empathize with your feelings because I certainly do not always feel the 'joy' of motherhood. There are days when I thrill at their laughter and there are days when I want to just shut myself in a room and scream. I used to work full-time and gave it up to stay home with my kids. Not easy when I had to give up status, salary and adult conversation. I'm used to working on projects and seeing an end result. I've learned that kids are projects but take a LONG time to see the end result. Even years. You have so much on your plate, taking care of kids, a husband and a full-time job. It must be hard for you to stop and smell the roses. Maybe have your husband help out more in disciplining them. Maybe have a one-on-one girl's day out with each daughter. Maybe if you perceive the girls other than a chore (which I can totally relate), it might help that 'motherly love' instinct to kick in. I wish you good luck!

Hi J.,

There are no easy answers -- after 8 years, you probably know that. But I'll share a story so that you maybe don't feel so guilty or alone.

Before I had kids, I was a camp counselor, Sunday School teacher, you name it, I was there for kids. To this day, give me 15 middle schoolers and I'll wow you. I thought I'd be the perfect mom, you know?

When I had kids, it was so hard -- and then it seemed like everyone I talked to, including friends who had just had babies, kept saying, "I would never trade this for the world" and "My baby is the best thing that ever happened to me." I don't think I would EVER say either of those two statements. I'm more flummoxed by the process of creating (and keeping up with) a new life (or two).

I've been through depression, and sometimes medication helps, but I really think counseling is what's going to make a difference. It lets you voice some of these feelings (because mom's feelings usually take a far lower priority than the needs of kids/spouse, which isn't so fair) and relieves some of the isolation and fatigue of bearing all that guilt and frustration. Also, you might consider couple's counseling. I don't know about you, but since having our 2nd child, my husband has about 80% less understanding of where I'm at emotionally and even physically. He's great, but life's pressures make marriage even more of an adventure.

If you'd like to talk, I live in Madison NJ.

Honestly, I think you answered your own problem here. You said that you are the Sergeant at home. Will since you run everything like a machine, it leaves little room for emotion. Have you tried to let go of the control for a day. Let the beds go unmade, and the laundry unfolded. They will still be there tomorrow and they aren't the priority. Beds will always need to be made and laundry will always need to be folded. But your girls will only be girls for so long. From the time your girls wake till the time they go to bed, play with them. Really play with them. Like when you were a kid. Play dress up, have a tea party, color outside the lines. Spin with reckless abandon. You may surprise yourself. And if you let yourself go, after awhile it won't seem mechanical, it will come naturally. You want your girls to love you, show them how fun you can be. Play tag and hide and seek. Get dirty with them. Since it is something you don't feel natural doing, you need to learn how. Let them show you.

You are definitely NOT alone! I know quite a few moms (myself included) who feel the same way. Life and gender roles have changed so much since we were young and it affects how we feel as women and moms. Women were never expected to work, let alone have a successful career, yet nowadays it's often required just to keep the family finances afloat. So we get an education, get a job, turn it into a career, then are expected to give that up to have kids. The pride and satisfaction we felt as career women is supposed to be overshadowed by the pride and satisfaction of being a mother. But what if it's not? So we try both, but each suffers b/c of the other, and we feel guilty on all sides. I also think our generation is more selfish than previous generations and we want to be recognized for our personal strengths, not just how well we give everything we've got to raise a family.
In the end, I think we have to give ourselves a break. Today's woman has many facets and she is not only a mother and wife, but a businesswomen or volunteer or compassionate friend or all of the above! We do a lot and I think it's okay to feel pride from all of our facets, not just the mom stuff.
Do what you have to do to explore your feelings. Talk to your mom, your friends, a therapist. Strive to find a balance between taking care of your family and taking care of yourself. Try to keep the guilt at bay.
I wish you good luck in your pursuit of modern motherhood!

Hi J.,
Don't be too h*** o* yourself. From a personal experience, I had days feeling like you, mostly when my boys were still infants. And this is how I dealt with it, sergeant style....lol:
1. I kept a journal and wrote down the things I did and ate on my 'blue' days.
2. At the end of each month, I checked if the 'blue mood' triggers were the same or related.
And I came to find out that I was in blue moods around the days my periods were due and MAJORLY due to fatigue.
You said you are a full time career mom, what did you expect when you combined motherhood and full time career? Don't get me wrong, I don't say mothers should not work full time, all I'm saying is those full time career moms should be realistic about how complicated, difficult and crazy their lives are going to be.
And you are lucky you have a wonderful hubby. Use him, talk to him, tell him how you feel, it helps. Believe me. Accept it when you are out of your wits and tell him: Hon, I just can't deal with anything today. And go take a breather (I do that all the time). Eventually kids will know when mom needs a breather and whenever you come back from it, they'll be happy to have you back and, of course, ready to make you be their mom.
I also found out that kids are a mirror image of your mood. When you are all strung out, they are too, and end up behaving impossibly(or so you may perceive when in your blue mood coz at that time everything is difficult and your legs feel like lead)
I think there is nothing wrong with you. Try to keep that journal I suggested. If it won't help you, maybe you should see your Dr as you might be suffering from some sort of depression. We mothers are prone to depressions and some drag their post partum depression for too long until it turns into another kind.
Stay Blessed.
L..

Hi J.
I am so sorry that you feel as if people will yell at you. How very sad!!!
Moms are not all alike you know. I can tell by your comments that you love your girls, and wish you were your mother kind of mom. Correct?
Guess what your girls don't need you to be your mom. They need you to be you. You sound like a strong person, who works hard at everything you do. That is a great example for girls these days. Girls need to grow up strong and knowing their own values.
As a Christian I am not into TM. If it is depression then meds do help. If it is anger, or other issues from your past then maybe counseling will help. Today I think it is more a case of trying to be the perfect little mother that you have made up in your head. Is that possible? The example of mothering you aspire to is who your mother was/is. Guess what she was not a perfect mother either. Ain't none of us perfect. In fact, only Jesus lived a perfect life, and they crucified Him.
God has given you two "beautiful girls" do the things that are best for them. That is the best mother for them. Don't compare them to other kids, and I am sure you have heard don't compare them to each other, but more importantly for you is not to compare yourself to other moms you see out in the world. For every mother you strive to be like and aren't there is also a mother that you would not want to be, and you are not her either.
To everything there is a season, and perhaps the next season will be yours. Is it possible that you will love being mom to teenage girls? I know lots of moms who dread it. Heard alot of comment when the twins were ready for their license, I love it. 6 to about 13 are tough for me.
Just thought I would throw that in.
Lots of women don't care about their husbands, and get so wrapped up with their children that the marriage falls apart. You have a priority set straight in that department also. Kids need to see their parents love each other. An important principle for them.
God bless you and all you do
Old enough to be your mom
K. --- SAHM married 38 years --- adult children -- 37, coach; 33, lawyer married with 9 mo; and twins 18 in college after homeschooling

Hi Jennifer:
I hope you do not get a lot of hateful responses. Your feelings are yours. You sound like a good mother, meaning you do what you are suppose to for your children. Maybe you can ask your husband to help with diciplinary role more. It is difficult being everything, working full time and taking care of two children. You are doing your best and the feelings will come one day, give yourself more credit you are a good mom and one day you will feel the joy. God bless and i hope you will be alright.

Hi J.,

your words touched me deeply and I feel for you. Here are some thoughts that came to my mind when I read what you wrote: Being a full-time working mom and running a household and family on top of all this sounds overwhelming to me. So I assume that part of your negative thoughts are from just plainly being overworked - could this be true? And amidst all that, when should you find time to "hang" with them? I have this picture in my head that you start your second job when you come home (cleaning, preparing dinner, getting the kids to bed, laundry and so on), whereas maybe your husband during that time has time to "hang" with the kids?
My plain advise: spread the household chores among the family (if your mom is such a saint as you describe, I am sure she will gladly help, too) and in the free time sit down and read a book or take a bath, whatever helps you relax. When you feel that you are in a relaxed state of mind, talk to your husband about your feelings.
Give your girls a big hug and a big kiss every night and tell them how much you love them.

I, too, hope you don't get any hurtful responses because your post is so honest. I know I've felt that way too from time to time. I work full time and then feel like I need to spend every other minute with the kids. But by doing that, I'm exhausted, impatient with the kids, and generally, not a happy-go-lucky mom like other moms I've seen. I love watching the kids play but am often too tired to run around and chase them (which is my twins' favorite game to play, of course!!) I think we all have an idealized version of what motherhood is like and when reality doesn't comport with that fantasy notion of motherhood, we start feeling like we are doing something wrong or we aren't the best moms.
I hope things get better for you....

Hello. I give you a lot of credit for putting your feelings out there like you have. I think it's hard for most people to do. I'm not sure that anyone is going to be able to answer this question for you though. I have a friend who told me she only enjoyed her child 30% of the time when she was first born, it was because the reality of her life was different then her expectations. Once she could accept her new baby she was able to enjoy being a mother much more.
Every mother-child relationship is different. Don't try and be the mother your mother was or the mother you think you should be. Just love your children, I think that's the most important thing you can do. I hope you are able to find what you are looking for.

I work full time and I am a mom. I always thought that I wanted more than one child, but after one, who is a healthy child, I realized that I am just not cut out for more than one. I fully understand how you feel and although I love my son tremendously, there are times when I just want to lie in a dark room. Parenting is HARD, constant work. And being the Mom and working full time, is exhausting. Both physically, mentally and emotionally. My husband asked me a while back why I yell so much, why my patience was so limited. For many reasons, which I will not go into, I had become a person with no patience. I had to step back and look at the priorities. My own moods, my problems, had little do with with my kid, but because he needed me most, he wound up getting short-changed. I finally had to sit my husband down and explain that I was doing most of the disciplining, most of the housework, etc. And I could not continue to do it all anymore. I work outside the home just as much as he does and we share our home and our lives, so he had to get more into the "sharing" part. Also, I had to learn to take more "me" time and more time with my girlfriends, which is SO beneficial. And, instead of the laundry or dishes, sometimes I had to just stop and spend an hour with my kid. The dishes and laundry will be there later, your kids wont. Or find something that we both liked to do. And it got easier. Please dont beat yourself up, that just leads to more dissatisfaction. Instead, with therapy, soul-searching, your husband and yes, maybe even meds, you can find out why you feel this way and move past it. Meds dont always just numb you out. They can help you to see the forest for the trees sometimes. And maybe, just maybe, you need some more peaceful moments. Try meditation, or something peaceful to center yourself. A little goes a long way. Good for you for reaching out, and for being brave to state your feelings. You are not alone. Dont compare yourself with other mothers, instead, find what works for you and build a relationship with your kids that, in time, will make you love motherhood. And never be afraid to ask for help. You will always encounter people who will judge you, but you will also encounter people who understand and can empathize, sympathize or just make you laugh! Hang in there, you will be ok. You reached out, that is a great start.

J., I know there are mothers out there who felt this way, but I don't. I mean, there are times I am like, okay I need a time out and do something for myself. That IS NORMAL. There is a friend of mine who discovered the book at a library (if you are interested, let me know and I can find out for you) and the author explained exactly what my friend was feeling. You enjoy being the mother, but don't enjoy doing it. First of all, I see stress on your part and you can release stress in various ways: 1) have your children do some household chores and make it fun, put music on and dance while doing household chores. Sing while sweeping. Don't be so picky if it's not 100% neat or perfect because they will hate it. Let them bring dishes to the sink, put laundry into washer, put laundry from washer to dryer, sweep up and wipe down tables, go to the park before nap time if your 3 yr old naps and going to park may tire him out and go to park after dinner as a family or you let your husband know how you feel and you want to go shopping or something after he gets home from work, have him and the girls put together dinner for themselves, etc.; 2) your expectations may be high for yourself. I do that to myself and get annoyed with myself because I couldn't achieve the goals I set out for myself. I had to lower them; 3) Then I was wondering if you know what you can do when you're with them? Are you clueless or do you not have energy? I tried an anti-depressant and found that I had no feelings whatsoever and I hated that feeling. I couldn't laugh or cry or feel anything so I knew that I was looking for something when I already had Jesus Christ and I had to TRUST HIM to help me get through it and He brought joy (and I mean His joy, not having things or children or a husbnand. I find them as bonuses) into my life. He showed me that I can be and have to be a disciplinarian, but not a SERGENT. Have a schedule set up for them to do housework and what you will do for fun activities after work or/and weekends and let them do the scedule with you to come up with ideas to do for fun. Mothers are needed, but they also have a need too. Contact me and let me know what your life is like right now and how can I further help you? Others are right, PLEASE DO NOT compare yourself to others!! God made you unique and He gave you children so obviously He knows you can do it and He has given you two responsiblities, He entrusted you with those two lives to care for, raise, and teach to be women of God. Let me know what you felt readingthis and I don't want to sound that I am down at you because I'm not. email me when you get the chance.

Jennifer,
well, I hope you don't get hateful resposes and if you do ignore them. I am proud of you for being brave enough to admit your feelings and to be honest you're a great mom! It sounds to me that you're already like the rest of us...you want the best for your children! People are all different!! We think we know this, but really we all look different, speak, eat, dress, and do different things....so why should we all react the SAME to a job...and motherhood is a JOB, a wonderful and extraordinary one, but it's still work...no matter who you are! So my advice is stop comparing yourself to those mothers around you...they're not perfect...some drink to much, others cry or swear and even some beat their kids...or worse ignore them altogehter...don't judge yourself by what you think you see...judge yourself by what you do. Do you love them, feed them, keep them safe? Lastly, if you want to enjoy them more, then do with them the thinks you like to do!! Hey, I am an outdoors person...I love to swim and play in the sand...odds are most summer days we are st the beach...I like to shop too...so they come with me...if you like to read, read with them or in the same room where they are playing...do things you enjoy with them and you'll enjoy the time together more. Don't force it, relax and don't try so hard to be what you feel your supossed to be...just be who you are and they'll love you more for it! Goodluck,
chrsitina

Jennifer,

My heart goes out to you. I too have been in this place before and, similar to Teresa, it was when I was working full-time outside the home. I thought I enjoyed my career as a whole, but it really consumed my life. I was always working...even when I was home, I was still planning and thinking about things at work. I knew I wasn't the mother I wanted to be, but I didn't know how to get there. I seemed to anger easily and even when I wasn't angry and frustrated at my kids because they weren't doing things according to my structured time schedule, I was the sergeant ordering them around as I had limited time to get a lot done. My priority wasn't my children or my husband, but my career and though I didn't realize it at the time, I was under an incredible amount of stress which contributed to the entire joyless situation.

I found that I really wanted to be a better mother (and wife) and eventually I chose my family over a career. When I first made this transition, it wasn't easy...I was not a natural at being a stay-at-home mom. However, gradually over time, God is transforming me into the loving, joyful mother and wife He wants me to be. I no longer anger quickly at the children or my husband and I enjoy just being around them more. It is such a blessing to read with my son or color with my daughter and not feel like "I don't have time." Spending time in the Word every day, when possible, helps me be more focused throughout the day and I find I handle those unexpected little challenges that pop up throughout the day with a lot more grace. While I am still strict with my children, I no longer bark orders at my children and I find it easier to reprimand from a place of love rather than anger and frustration.

I do have a business that I run out of my home, but I have no desire to work full-time anytime soon.

Jennifer, I know this is a difficult place to be as a mom and that you cannot do it alone. However, with God's help and guidance, you can be the mother you want to be. Surrender everything to the Lord and seek Him with your whole heart...He promises that you will find Him and He will direct your paths.

I hope my story has helped you in some way and I pray that you would take your feelings and frustrations to the Lord in prayer, that you would turn it all over to Him and be open to His leading in your life.

God Bless,
C.

J.-
There could be so many different issues going on preventing you from truly enjoying motherhood. You might be suffering from depression, you could be holding yourself to standards that are way too high, or there could just be too much stress in your life.
If you are depressed, don't shut out the idea of a pill. If it makes you enjoy more in life, then you'll be thankful for it in the long run.
If you're putting too much pressure on yourself as a mother, then just remember that you are your kids favorite toy. They really don't need anything else, except for some face to face time with you. They don't care if the house is dirty, if they aren't wearing the most expensive clothes, etc. They just want their mom.
If you are stressed, then schedule time by yourself and with your kids. My best days with my son are the ones when I forget everything else and nap and relax with him all day. After all, I'm already missing deadlines, have a huge pile of laundry, have no food in the house, etc., so what's the big deal about letting it all sit there for an hour or a whole day. And you need to take care of yourself. My father in law told me in the most loving way possible that I'm getting ugly because I'm not getting enough sleep and taking care of myself. That was probably the best thing he ever said to me. It reminded me that if I take care of myself that I'll be a better mother in the long run because I'll be less stressed and happier.
I hope you find the joys of motherhood quickly.
-T.

Dear Jennifer,
I was 17 years old when I had my first child and single. I had Post-Partum Depression really bad. I was very depressed when I raised my kids. I was offered medication but I did not want to feel like a zombie. It was only after I started going to church and reading the bible with understanding did I get delivered from it. Depression was a lingering monster.
Secondly, you do not have to be the only disciplinary. Sit down with your husband and ask him to share in this responsibility. One thing about life is that we can always start over. You can sit down with your children. There is a time to discipline and a time to love on them and tell them you love them all the time. It is not easy being a career mom and having little ones.
Especially if you have a high pressure position at work. We have to learn to release that pressure before we put the Mommy hat on. Facing your feelings are a start to change. Remember how you feel is how you feel. I began by telling you how hard it was for me. Now my oldest is 26, married with a son and my daughter is 22 in college.
Once I made up my mind to start enjoying life, that's when it changed for me. You are a unique person. You cannot be what others want you to be. You be the best you. Watch things change. Keep your chin up. It's not over until its over.

You ARE a good mother; you're trying very hard to juggle two full-time jobs and it is hard to transition between the two worlds. I have three grown children, and when they were little, it was very hard for me to be the sit-on-the-floor-and-play-type mom. Fortunately, my mother would come to visit and would stay for weeks. She's the sit-on-the-floor-type. She would read, color pictures, play dolls,doctor, fireman,construction worker -- whatever my children wanted her to be. It made me feel less guilty for being who I was -- a full-time career mom, volunteer, and the one who had to run the house and make everything go as smoothly as possible. I was able to quit working when my youngest went to kindergarten -- by then I also had a teenager who needed me more than ever. I found that at that point I was able to shift gears and find a joy in motherhood that I hadn't found before. Try to find a good counselor, try TM and acupuncture. If your mom is nearby, be sure she spends lots of time with your girls now. You may find that, like me, as your girls get older, it will be easier for you to spend time with them as they pursue their interests in art, sports, etc. Go easy on yourself; there are many different types of mothers out there. There isn't just one way to be a great mom.

Get into some good therapy and consider taking on a job, if you can afford day care. Seriously... there is a chance that you resent your children for keeping you home. I have seen this happen quite often. Even part-time will give you a chance to talk to adults, feel like you are contributing and give you a break from being with the girls all the time.

Don't close-off the idea of medication, at least in the short-term. You may be experiencing chronic depression. If that is the case, chronic depression is chemical and can only be reversed using a chemical. Just something to consider.

Good luck-

Hi J., I know how you feel I to was the sargent in my home. I learned to let the little things go like if they didn't put away their clothes or set a dish in the dishwasher not to over react. I got to the point were I scheduled time one hour each day to be with my children and nothing else no errands, no housework or work. In time my children and I loved our time and with each year as they get older the time has a special time all of their own where we do things just one on one. Hope this helps and good luck with your feelings. Let go and see how much you are rewarded.

It sounds like you are suffering from depression. I urge you to find a therapist with whom you are comfortable. You may very well be overwhelmed with the combination of work and homelife responsibilities. Maybe finding more time for yourself to do something you enjoy, just for you, guilt free, would help.
Tennis is my therapy! I feel great because my game gets increasingly better and I have made friends tht are outside my day to day home and work life. I play as early as possible so that when I return in the morning, I can make breakfast, eat with my son and look forward to the rest of the day. That "me" time helps me appreciate the joy of being a mom, and lessens the feeling(s) I sometimes have when "life" is overwhelming.
Club Fit for tennis lessons! Go whack that ball and have some fun!! Sent with an empathetic smile,
L

J.,

I was sad to read your post. I have felt that way when my oldest kids were little. There are a few things that contributed to my lack of joy in my life. One was the fact that I was also a career woman and working outside my home. I did well in my work and received trips and other incentives. I now know this gave me the excitement I thought I needed. The rest of my life (kids) seemed mundane. It just paled in comparison. Now.... I didn't know that then. It is only looking back that I can see that.

Another thing that contributed was the fact that although I professed to be a Christian my spriritual life was lacking. I "went" to church, but I wasn't growing. I was just too busy to read the Word everyday.

My diet was not good either. I was just too busy with working outside the home to make a homemade meal. I would make meat, canned veggies, and a prepackaged rice, potato or pasta-like substance. Lunch was eated out and breakfast was on the go.

Now my little ones are now teenagers and I have two more children :-). I am a stay-at-home, work-at-home mom. I still go to church, but I also attend a Bible study once a week and seek out older women in the church for guidence and prayer. Since I am home, I am able to cook better meals. I have lost weight and am feeling healthier and have more energy. I homeschool my chidren which I absolutely love and working from home gives my that added "boost of confidence" (and money :-). My kids might not have everything they want, but they have everything they need, specifically a involved joyful (not always) mom at home. But I do find great joy in being home now.

I hope my experience is a help to you. If you would like more info on working from home, check out my site. www.LovinLifeWithHomeBiz.com. If you would like more info on home schooling you can email me.

God bless you and my you find joy again in being a mom.

T. E.
www.LovinLifeWithHomeBiz.com
www.LiveWellShopSmart.com

Dear J.,
I wish I had some good advice on how to make your feelings change. I do not. But, I did want to say that you are not a horrible person for feeling this way. I sincerely hope you do not get any neg. feed back for voicing your honest feelings, and asking for help! I wish you the best, and hope you find what you are looking for!

first my sweet mom let me say that ALL mothers have felt like this at some time or another....its such a tough job. my concern with you is that you indicate that you may be feeling that way ALL the time. This is heartbreaking because we all know if mom is not functioning well that it affects evryone within her universe and things begin to crumble. you are right that a pill may only mask the problem but it can also be a necessary and helpful medication when combine with thereapy. but to a fulltime career mom with limited time and despairing thought the idea of making time for therapy is overwhelming, one more thing on the to do list!!! My advice to you would be first to try to work on simplifying your life...could you possible reduce your hours at work, or go part time?this may require going to basic cable or getting a more modest car but oh wow the peace that you feel just for having more time is so worth it. We are told we should be able to do it all. Have the high power career, be the perfect mom, the sexy wife/lover to our husband oh , and exercise and keep up a perfect health/fitness.its only in the movies girlfriend! Take babysteps to simplify your life...doesnt haveto be too drastic. how can you possibly enjoy motherhood when u are dead tired and overwhelmed by day to day life? and you are. and you are so right to reach out here. women need eachother, we understand, we hold eachtoher up...and the sisterhood of motherhood is so strong. you do love being a mother, you've just forgotten how...you've taken on too much...simplify, breathe, take care of you because noone else will! and when you've taken a few babysteps to give yourself some room, go talk to someone, find out if depression could be a problem and medication is needed, and/or something else. this life is too short for you to feel tired and miserable and like you've failed...you can rise out of it...and remember, there's not a woman out there who hasnt felt your pain...ur not nuts...just human.

Do you take good care of your children? It sure sounds like it! You DO love your kids or you would NOT be concerned about this. Many children don't get good care or a mom that worries so don't beat yourself up. As for being more emotionally involved and the "drill sergeant" at least your kids know what to expect and where you stand. Wishy washy is harder on kids than strict parents are. Therapy may help and meds might too and if thats what you need GO FOR IT! Sometimes it is a hormonal inbalance that makes us "feel" certain ways. My FIL is on meds and when he is he is awesome when he isn't we don't see or hear from him and he is a recluse of sorts. It is all a chemical imbalance for him. Could be for you too. Try the therapy and don't write it off as "if I was a good mom I would love my kids more". It is not that simple. It soulds to me that you are a good mom but just not what you think so should be. Talking to someone (even your best friend) may show you a side to yourself you didn't realize was there. A.

Hi J.,
I don't think therapy and meds are the answer to all problems either. I do think that some women revel in motherhood and some lose their identity. I have a 7-YO and 3-step kids and sometimes all I want is peace and quiet. Lately I've been alotting time for myself a little. I started doing things for me, a little shopping, dates with my husband, reading, seeing friends, etc. It makes me feel like me and not someone's mom or wife. I believe a little sefishness goes a long way. This way you can enjoy being with yourself and then enjoy being with your kids. If you stop trying so hard it may come to you naturally. You need to have adult fun and enjoy life. Every breath you take should not be about your kids, some breaths should be all about you!!!

J., I say this with somewhat of an ability to relate.... I have a 2 year old daughter and I am pregnant, due in 2 months. I have to say that I am not nearly as happy about my pregnancy as I should be and i am really not looking forward to the road ahead as many mothers do.

I am not sure what is going on in your career and the rest of your life, but I would venture to say, you are not happy. Maybe you are depressed. I don't think this is an issue of not being a good mom. A bad mom ignores her kids and either doesn't realize it, or realizes it, but doesn't care. You realize that you are not treating them the way you want, and it doesn't feel right to you.

Maybe you are being to h*** o* yourself. Maybe the other stresses and pressure in your life is making you to overwhelmed and unhappy to put them first. You have to discover what is driving you to treat them in a way you are unsatisfied with. Start there to fix the problem. If you are truly depressed, therapy and/or medication may help. If you are overworked and stressed, maybe your hubby can help you sort things out and take a load off you.

Anyway, I do feel similar... which is where my advice comes from. I know my job is stressing me out to know end. This job is the hardest thing I have ever done and it makes me miserable. I know my relationship with my hubby is not going well lately. I am positive these are the reasons I am having issues being excited about my kids and giving them the positive attention they deserve. I think I am depressed, but I think it is circumstantial, so I am going to see if my mood changes when my circumstances at work change... if not, I may seek medical help too....

I don't mean to make this about me, but maybe if you can relate, you can start working on the real problem. I don't think the realy problem is lack of being a good mother....

Jennifer
no judgement from my part about how you feel. I think, we all feel the same way one time or another, but most of us don't have the guts you do to admit it. there are days i wonder myself what kind of a mom i am and there are days where i am just pushing myself without a will. but there are days i just love it. it is a very hard calling. we're all doing our best. you too, are doing your best. give yourself some credit. the mommy feeling is there, maybe buried deeper but it is there. i know you're against therapy but why don't you try it. if you're told pills will help then you have a decision to make. but therapy might just help you get through some things. maybe you won't be told to be put on medication.
plus you work full time. being a mom and working is exhausting as we all know it. we try to do both and possibly feel down about both of them, motherhood and career. you'll get through it, i promise. hang in there.
now, please retire the drill sergeant. try it for a few days. make it fun for girls. now, don't lay off discipline as kids will get confused about boundaries, but don't take it to extreme. try it for a few days. who cares if the chores they're supposed to do aren't done? let it go. just once. see how it feels. if you feel like yelling, exit the room, take a deep breath, or two or three, then return to the situation and deal with it with a clear mind. also, organize a movie night, or a movie afternoon on weekends. make some popcorn, just do something fun, you'll get that i love you mommy in no time. your kids love you but maybe they're put off by the drill sergeant :)
good luck. hang in there.

J., My heart goes out to you. You have been given two wonderful gifts and more than anything else they need to know your love for them. I think you need to relax and let things around you go and be with your girls. Make yourself a schedule if you need too and fit them into it. Sit down with them, take them to the park. They will remember the little things. Your laundry and dishes will be there later who cares if they are done at 4 or at 8??? Get your housework and stuff done during the week after work and spend the weekends with them and just know on Monday you will have to work extra to catch up. Whatever you need to do, please make sure to give your children your time. At first you may feel weird but practice makes perfect. Hug your girls and tell them you love them whenever you can. I hope that your girls will soon see how precious their mommy is and how much she loves them. Have a wonderful day....

J.,
I have read a lot of responses on this page and do feel for you. I have been a career mom for many years, and do think though that you to need to re-examine what the work world is vs. a child's world. Careers give us 'pats on the back', a chance to dress-up every day, oh, and $$$. Kids test our patience, demand our time, and spend $$$$. But just remember that although it doesn't seem like it now, your job is with you just part of your life. Despite the fact your job seems to really care about you, it's a caring that can change the minute 'no money' times hit; it never will really be the genuine love your children have (it does get better as they get older). I guess what I am trying to say is think of the long-term here, not just what makes you happy while you are making $$$ and the work-work wants you. Our mothers understood this.

Maybe you're expectations for yourself are too high. Not all mothers are the same. Maybe you aren't Donna Reed but that doesn't mean you aren't great in your own way. Maybe some parenting classes would be helpful and counseling can be very useful for giving new perspectives on what's going on. Mothering is a hard job, fun and games are not always fun and games and kids are really really demanding. I hope you can find a balance - you don't have to be the sargeant all the time or the fun one all the time- you can switch hats. Playing princess with my daughter isn't fun for me either. I'd rather be in the kitchen cooking. Some moms would rather be at work. We're not all perfect, we're not all what we wish we could be. I wish i could be better at my career, i wish i could be a better mom and wife. I'm not the best or the worst but I do my best and that's all anyone can be expected to do. Get a good counselor- i'm sure that will help you put things in perspective. If people send you hate mail for being honest just delete it- they aren't in your shoes.

J.,
I know you said that you will try therapy, and I hope that helps you. But don't dismiss medication altogether. Medication may not just "mask your feelings", you may have a chemical imbalance that the medication would actually repair. You need to speak with your health care provider. Nobody should have to go through life feeling unhappy with their situation. Good luck, I hope you find the answers you are looking for.

Please do not feel guilty about how you feel. Feelings just are and sometimes there ois no rhyme or reason. From your letter you sound like you could have depression. The good news is that you have made the first step and the hardest one of all: Asking for help. There is no shame in asking for help or admitting that motherhood isn't a bed of roses. Sometimes its a thorny patch.

I would highly suggest you not only find a therapist. they can help you sort through the feelings and its a safe place to be without being judged. Agreed its not always the answer but don't just dismiss it as a posiibility either. Same with medication. I am on 2 medications for depression and they do NOT mask my feelings. If anything they help me manage my moods and feelings better than I could on my own. I would also suggest you have your thyroid checked. If you have an imbalance in your T4 and TSH levels, that can be a factor as well

Good luck and Blessed be

It is very interesting to me that you eliminate therapy as a possible solution, because it sounds to me like you suffer from depression. Feeling flat, the inability to experience intense joy are quite typical. No, therapy is not always the answer, because sometimes there is no answer. But it is, imho, always a good place to start exploring options. I would encourage you not to shut that door from the get-go if you are serious about finding a solution to what sounds like a very painful situation.

As to hateful responses: Any mother who has never once felt the way you do is either very lucky, or not very honest. I think we can all relate more than you know. You are not alone.

hi jennifer,

your post touched me so much that i had to respond. while you feel no joy in motherhood, it is evident by what you wrote that you love your children very much but the fact still remains the same, you don't feel happy. as many of responses before mine stated, you have to try and figure out what makes you so unhappy with motherhood. i too struggle with always being tough and rigid. it's taken me many years and still working on it to realize when i'm being unnecessarily rigid. messy rooms, normal teenage attitudes, lack of interest on my kids part about anything sometimes is overwhelming for me as well. when i find myself yelling and lecturing to them about the realities of life and how the real world works,and after I finish doing that i ask myself, how would i feel if the roles were reversed? i know i don't like it much now as an adult when someone tries to lecture me and tries to run me like some sergeant :). some of your repsonses were filled with great advice and you should consider them and maybe even try some of them. they're not all going to work for you, but the key is to keep trying until something does. kids do grow fast and i do regret wasting a lot of time being negative and trying to run my kids like they were soliders, you know, do as i say or else. i wish i could have spent more time playing and encouraging their creativity instead of worrying about the dumb little things that they will eventually do for themselves in life, like make the beds lol! I do highly recommend seeking couseling because you may never know, perhaps your feelings maybe due to an underlying issue that requires medical attention. for example, it wasn't until late in my 30's did i get diagnosed with AD/HD. taking medication, was a God Send! While i still have issues, i can better deal with all my feelings and focus better. my ad/hd affected the way i dealt with people and especially my children, my ad/hd affected my moods, so yes, i am grateful for medications. i hope and pray that you find this joy through meditation, medication, therapy or any other form. the goal is the same, feeling joy with your kids, if you truly love yourself and your family you'll keep seeking and you will conquer. you are not a terrible mother, you are a good mom because you want to be a good mom. i hope that you keep us posted about how you're doing, i can't speak for everyone, but i would like to know how you're doing as you go along. keep well and may God bless you and help you along your journey.

jennifer,

I dont think your a terrible person for feeling this way. Motherhood is very difficult, and its hard to find joy in something that takes so much out of you. It IS the ultimate sacrifice. I dont believe that you have to find joy in it to be honest. If you love your children with all your heart, and you would die for them then that is really all that matters. But if you feel like you want to put them up for adoption than that is a problem.

I would suggest that maybe having some ME time can help you feel better. Take a weekend away with a couple of girlfriends once in a while. Plan things for yourself so that you will have something to look forward to. Have someone babysit and go out with your husband. Maybe you feel this way about motherhood because you feel like thats all you are. Get involed in groups or a hobby.

Remember that your mom came from a different generation, and motherhood was so different back then. For her mothering meant to make sure you were fed and clean. Now us moms have to do double the work because we take care of their physical needs and well as their education, fun, sports, schools, etc.

Dont beat yourself up. I will get easier.

Jennifer - You obviously love your girls, otherwise you wouldn't be beating yourself up for not being the "perfect" mom. No mother is perfect and all mothers feel the way you feel at one time or another. I have a 10 month old boy and just recently went back to working full-time. Since I've started working, I have had to deal with so much that I have often felt the way you feel, but I love my son and know that I am doing the best I can. I strongly suggest you reconsider therapy. You may be surprised by the results. If nothing else, it will provide you a safe place to let out all your frustrations and disappointment, and that alone may help you feel better. Also, try to let go of your need to control everything. Again, I can really relate to you. Motherhood isn't easy and if you keep thinking that you need to control the situation you will only keep setting yourself up for failure. You're a good mother and your girls love you. Good luck.

If you recieve any negetive responces please ignore them. I hope that all of the responces you get will help you feel better. I had some of the same feeling that you are having now and just posting helped a lot. I recieved a lot of advice that you may find helpfull, my post was titled I have everything I always thought I wanted, why am I so miserable? Alway know that you defiantly are not and will never be the only one feeling the way you do. Motherhood can be the most amazing thing in your life and 5 seconds later seem like the worst mistake you ever made. I wish you the best and do something for yourself, I really believe the saying happy mommy equals happy family. Don't be too h*** o* yourself.

Hi,
So, make the conscious decision to not be a sargeant! ;)
Go do something fun with your kids - let them know that you can be fun too! Maybe go on vacation with them?

My mom is a housewife and relishes watching my girls - I know that I could never do it...

Think about what YOU need in order to be a good mother. And just do it. :)

Maybe it's too simple - but I hope this helps. :)

I am very sad to read that is how you feel about mommyhood. Sadly, I am sure you are not alone. Personally I am on the side that just LOVES being a mom. I LOVE summers when I know my boys will be home and I just love having them around and being with them. As another example, I read to them at least 5 nights a week and it isn't because I "have" to.

While I know it may be hard, can you describe how you feel a bit more? When you DO do things with your girls (if you do), how do you feel? Is it that there are other things you'd rather be doing or do you just find you get irritated easily or do you not feel anything towards your girls? I'm honestly trying to understand what you might be feeling.

As for therapy and pills, I agree about the pills but I believe therapy would be beneficial to both you and your girls. You can't fake your feelings but you have to understand what your relationship with your girls is doing to them. Children aren't stupid. They know if mommy resents their being alive. If you do not find a way to connect with them, they may look for other ways to fill that hole in as they get older whether it be drugs, boys, whatever. Sadly I speak of this from observing others I am very close to. The relationships these people had with their parents absolutely molded the choices they made as they grew up and affects them in their marriages even today. The one is a guy whose mother basically treated him like he was an accident. To her that isn't as bad as calling someone a mistake. He looked for love with women to replace what he never got at home. I know a woman who was in the same both but with replacing her dad and I know another woman who constantly chooses bad relationships both friendships and marriage which I think can absolutely be traced back to how her mother treated her. Sadly that story I could say sounds A LOT like yours as her mom was a lot like you.

I hope you don't think I am sending you a hate email. While I can't imagine feeling like you do, I care more about you being aware of what this is doing to your daughters and you and that you do want to do better. I hope you will do whatever you have to so that can happen.

I do wonder, does this mean you are done having children? You mention you didn't know you felt this way before having children but you have 4 1/2 years between your girls. Did you feel this way after your first but thought one more might make it better or did you not feel this way until after your second?

I do look forward to your answers and hope that it brings you closer to a better solution.

hi J.. from your posting, it seems you love and care for your kids very much. i am not disgusted in what you say as i think there are many moms out there like you. you are the real sergeant which i assume means you basically run the household and are the main discipliner in the family. maybe you need to just relax a little bit so you can enjoy being a mom. we get caught up in all the daily things that need to be done but perhaps you can try postponing doing stuff so you can spend that quality time with your girls. if it seems they enjoy daddy more, maybe it's because he will play with them, not just care take. if you try adn spend that time with them, that mothering feeling will probably just come naturally. don't take life, your kids, etc for granted. there will always be chores to do and errands to run. spend this time with your girls, as when they get older you will have missed out. they still need that discipline in their lives but like you said they only want to hang with you. even if you don't feel up to it you have to make the effort to give them that attention. best of luck.

You are not alone. I have four children and the first three were a joy.

I did not plan my youngest child, but her father did. Now I have been raising her on my own for the last 3 years. I have days where I think of what I could be doing since the youngest two are 13 1/2 years apart. Degrees I wanted to earn, jobs I wanted to have, trips I wanted to take ...but at the end of the day when I watch her sleep...I smile and thank the Lord for her.

Don't get me wrong, I have my days (when she's sick and clingy) where I just want to pull my hair out, grab my keys and get out ALONE...but that never happens...lol.

I too have been lacking joy these past few weeks (years). I'm not doing what I want to make me happy...whatever that is. I have been slacking off on my Bible reading and feel lost. I decided to make that change this morning. Instead of watching Seaseme Street for the umphteeth time, we watch Joyce Meyer. The sermon was on finding God's rest and joy...lol. So far, the day's looking up.

You can do it..God knows you can even if you are not sure. He wouldn't have given you children if He didn't have a good plan for them or you.

Nanc

I have read the other responses and you can certainly seek counseling and explore therapy and other solutions, My initial reaction is that maybe you just had kids because of the strong social pressure to do so. Society makes women feel that they should get married and definitely have kids. Maybe you just aren't really the mommy type. It's not that you are bad, you just maybe aren't as geared for it as some others just like some people are not good at or even interested sports. Although it's hard, you shouldn't feel guilty about that. You can't undo it though, you obviously are a mommy and you need to find some ways to make it a better experience for you, but some people just aren't going to like it as much as others. It is a really tough job. You are not the only mommy to feel this way.

I am no expert, but I have had some experience with soul-searching and self discovery and maybe too much experience with Psychology. You can't give alot of advice to a person who you have just read a paragraph of on a website. You are more complex and multi-faceted than that, so I will say some general things, but please take them all with a grain of salt.
I am a full time working mom of one and one on the way. I felt guilty about telling people that I wanted to be a working mom and that I didn't have any desire to be a stay at home mom. I remember on week 10 of my 12 weeks of maternity leave with my son, he was wailing for no particular reason in his stroller in the park and I said a little prayer thanking god that I only had 2 weeks before I had to go back to work. That is not to say that I don't love my son, because I do. That is not to say that I didn't enjoy my maternity leave, because I did. I get so much satisfaction out of being a mom, but I am not cut out to be a stay at home mom. I need to feel both connected to my children and my work. I have found a balance in that, BUT I have also forgiven myself for not being exactly what every other mother in my office is or every other mother in my neighborhood is. I don't complain about going into work and while I might wish for more vacation time, I don't really want to work part time or take a step back or anything else like that.
The reason I say all this is that what I hear from your blurb is a feeling that perhaps you also don't fit into the "norm" of what our transitional culture says a mother should be. It sounds to me like you love your kids, it sounds like you do everything to be a good mother to them. But perhaps you are never going to be betty crocker or any other ideal of motherhood that you might have picked up from the media or your mother or grandmother, friends etc. Every person on the earth is different and every mother is different. We experience joy differently, and we share things differently and we all have different kids.
I highly recommend asking yourself 'where is this second guessing myself coming from' and when you answer that question, ask yourself if the source is one you truly value. If you are feeling a desire to be like so many people who go to work just to pay a mortgage and complain every chance they get about wanting more time at home, maybe it is more of a desire to 'fit in' than a true feeling that you get no joy out of motherhood. Maybe I am wrong, but I look at the coin of life differently and I think I have forgiven myself for simply being different.
I do think that many many women feel slightly empty or unfulfilled on the inside and that becoming mothers is a good way to selflessly fill 18 years of your life by totally serving others and making yourself feel good. However I want to teach my children that you can get that same feeling by helping a friend or neighbor, volunteering at church or in the community or by doing a job well. I think those are the activities that keep families and marriages together and do good in the process.
If your daughters just want you to hang out, do something they want to do once a week and see how you feel about it. You might like it. Try anything once and don't judge yourself with the outcome. Then, as my mom always used to say, 'take the good and leave the rest'. Life is too short for negative emotions and people. Follow the good and you can't go wrong.
Good luck to you!!

Maybe you need to redefine motherhood. You recognize the children you have as blessings which I would think makes you take their best interest into consideration when you make decisions, that is just as important as "playing" with them. You may be a person who does not enjoy children and for you the joy of motherhood may be when you can spend time with your adult children. That being said, you may have to do things with them that you don't like just because they want it and deserve it. As long as you don't emotional shut them out they'll be fine.

Keep talking about how you feel. Get therapy, force your mate to go to family therapy sessions with you. He can help with the children not seeing you as the only heavy. It is so good to get these feelings out. We are not honest enough about the not so rosy thoughts we have about motherhood...

Hi J.,
I'm sorry that you're not finding motherhood what you expected it would be. It often isn't what it's portrayed as in those LIFETIME channel movies.
I'm not going to judge or criticize you for your feelings, you can't control them and by speaking out, it's clear that you care about your children. But I'm not quite sure what you are looking for. In saying that therapy isn't an option for you, I think you're closing an important door. You may be suffering from depression, and even if you are not, therapy isn't going to make you change your feelings, but it could certainly give you some strategies to cope and maybe feel more connected to your kids. They're not going to love you more than daddy or as much as daddy, if you're going through the motions of providing their daily needs but not meeting their emotional needs. This will affect them deeply as they grow up, and as mothers, we do need to make sacrifices and to pretend to enjoy things that we don't (trust me, I had no burning life-long desire to spend 3 evenings a week on a baseball field watching 9-10 year old boys play badly), but it's part of the package and you do owe them to do the best that you can, and if you aren't willing to try some counselling or parenting workshops, then you haven't done all that you can. You talk about feeling sadness and guilt, so don't shortchange yourself either.
While things may never be perfect (despite what t.v. and movies and novels would lead us to believe), I hope that you'll find what will make things better for you and for your family.
In friendship,
M.

Everyone feels like that once and awhile your just stays alittle longer. Seek help you cant handle it alone.
Its the harder job in the world being a mom Good Luck

HI

After 55 responses, you may not even be reading anymore. What I think you need to ask yourself is, "if this isn't working for me what will". If you can figure out what makes you happy and do it, your girls will be happy. They may need to turn to their father to fill the gap, but be thankful he is there to pick up where you left off. Are you capable of giving more without resentment to your girls? Depending on how you answer that question should detetmine how you proceed. Search your soul for the thing or things that will make you feel the most fulfilled. Only you can change what makes you unhappy. The girls will love you not matter what. If you are happy, they will be happy.
Best wishes.

D. V.

Hi J.,

I am not here to judge you although I do not share your feelings I can appreciate the pain in your post and your honesty. Is it at all possible that you are expecting to much of yourself and are just trying too hard to force these feelings on yourself. I am not a psychologist at all but I do have a career mom ( a law partner)at my nursery school who is a dear friend and has spoken to me about the same feelings as you. She is brilliant at her career but as a mom she would prefer a nanny to do her job. When it comes to the mommy stuff she is always blaming herself, down on herself, and just feels like she does everything wrong. She reaches out to me for support always. I know her mom was also career her mom and dad were doctors and she really didn't have a mommy figure in her life. It doesn't sound like your mom was like that but I am not sure. First of all cut yourself some slack MOTHERHOOD IS HARD WORK AND IS NOT ALWAYS JOYFUL!!! Although I would not trade my life for a moment there are days when we all feel the same as you do right now. I think you should stop trying to do it perfectly and just do it. Do as your daughters want you to do just hang out with them. Let yourself get to know them and don't worry about it not being perfect. I think you may be just reading to much into everything and just do not know how to relax and enjoy what is right in front of you your two precious daughters. Have you tried taking time separately with them and doing some fun things like get your nails done together, or have a shopping spree. Take the little one to the park and just watch her play. Just relax and let yourself get to know them. You are right a pill is not going to be a miracle you need to get to the root of why you feel this way. It could be possible you are afraid to fail and maybe you are not the type to fail so you have distanced yourself from your children so you cannot be hurt or disappointed. I am grasping at straws her because as I said I do not feel as you do. I would get into therapy and see if you can resolve your feelings with a professional. If you do get some nasty response just brush them off and move on. Although it sounds like you are already beating yourself up. Try to enjoy your day and I hope you get the answers you are searching for. Good luck and Happy Mothers Day.

Being a mom, working full time and having the highest of expectations for yourself is a tough predicament. Do you have 'you' time? Do you have any more of yourself available to give? Every one is different and you can't judge yourself against someone else. Forget about it. Look at what you like in life, what you want to share with your girls and start there. You didn't mention what you enjoy in life ... nature? yoga? cooking? Pick some together activities that you feel enthusiastic about and see where it goes. Set aside the 'rules' for 30 minutes and enjoy yourself. It's not easy to be everything to everyone so take small, gratifying steps :))

Hi J.,
You got some good responses. Pat yourself on the back for acknowledging your feelings and sharing them. It does sound like you may be fighting depression. Keep an open mind when you go to therapy. Good advice that you got already is to check your diet, sleep,excercise, pray, and get some "me" time. Don't automatically rule out medicine. I have struggled with depression myself. The right medicine will help you feel the joy again. It does not mask your feelings. You also don't have to stay on meds forever. I have been med free for 8 years now and doing fine. Good luck, know that you are not alone in your feelings.
If you need an ear, I'm here for you...
R.

Your ending statement "I do the best I can" is the most important part of your note. Doing the best we can or know how is all that can be expected of us. Perhaps you need to do away with "ALWAYS striving to do better" and relax. Why would you be competing with their father for love? Do your girls compete with you for love? Kids can love BOTH parents equally. You seem to be very much a TYPE A person and want to control every situation, which is OK because that is you. You can try to lighten up giving orders, but I bet it wont work.
What you can do is take it easy on yourself and take a more realistic view of motherhood. Not every mother is June Cleaver, all warm and fuzzy and making cookies. Most moms are somewhere in-between and wanting to be like her. Or thinking they SHOULD be like her. If your girls need warm and fuzzy send them to Grandma. I think you will find they love you just the way you are and appreciate you for what you are. Sure they complain, but if you stayed home and played with them all day they would complain about that too. Kids are NEVER happy with their parents, until they become parents themselves. Case in point, you wish you were like your mother. Think back to your childhood. Did your mom irritate you? I know she did.
So relax and enjoy YOURSELF FIRST!!! You are who you are and need to accept it.
Happy belated Mother's Day