Mother Who Isn't Involved

Have you ever heard the quote:

"We spend our entire lives outgrowing our childhood."

I don't have a crystal ball but I bet you anything your mother struggles emotionally with things from her past. There have got to be demons in her closet that keep her artificially busy with computer/errands rather than the ability to enjoy one of life's greatest joys and treasures, meaning you, a loving daughter and perfectly normal grandchildren.

Have you ever asked her about her childhood? About how her parents raised her? What did they expect of her? Would she give you an honest answer?

Your mom sounds like she has an intense need to escape from those around her. I say this from my own painful past and personal experience. My children have made the same observations and have said the same complaint to me. I had a horrible childhood, but thank God, also received some amazing therapy. I know now when I am slipping into my escape modes. They can last for days if I'm not careful. The bad habits are like old familiar friends and it's difficult to change that rhythm. Especially if she's been practicing for a long time.

You sound like an insightful woman with a sensitive and open heart. I'd be curious if your mother sees this too in you. I'm positive she wants to change, would like to change, but doesn't know how to. That's why she makes the verbal commitment to be there more often, but lacks the skills to follow through, because she is quite simply stuck. Stuck in her safe zone of behaviors that soothe her.

Being in an active, thriving, emotionaly intimate relationship is very difficult for some. She sounds to be both on edge and and incapable of knowing what to do differently.

You are not immature. It is great that you do not move on, that you stay with these difficulties, that you do your best to be close to your mother. This is an awesome effort, and you sound couragous, clear and open-hearted to me.

Both my parents aren't as able as i would like to be close to me and my children. Mum4ever explaned her thoughts, and it sounded like she knew my family... Anyway, i sometimes meditate on motherhood and mother-love, and find it hard, but rewarding. Here is a link to a very fruitful text on motherhood by Thich Nhat Hanh: http://tfarrow.wordpress.com/2007/07/04/a-rose-for-rour-p...

Reading this might help you embrace yourself, and honour your pain. Hold yourself like an infant who is alone. Do this for a while, and my experience is: it actually gets better, there is a dynamic to peacefulness and joy...

good luck!
D.

I'm sorry the situation with your mom is not what you want or hoped for. Everyone needs their Mom in their life, regardless....
I know my perspective on my own mother changed the instant I had kids, and I had a LOT more love and respect and desire to deepen my relationship with her, so I imagine that is where your heart also is.

Unfortunately, you're right - you're not going to change her behavior toward you or your kids, SHE is the only one who can do that.

If talking is uncomfortable or doesn't work, you could try writing her a letter explaining your heart, and telling her "I" statements ~ for example, "When you do _______, I feel ________". Words on paper can sometimes get misunderstood though, so I don't know if this would make the situation worse?

You could seek advice from a counselor, therapist, or trusted neutral third party (pastor?) to help you deal with these feelings that have obviously been around a long time.

You could also seek a "mother-mentor" type person to spend quality time with -- from a church group, in the neighborhood, book club, etc. A woman who would be a great example of a grandmother-type person to your kids, and someone who you enjoy spending time around. I know it's not a replacement for your own mom, but it might help you build up some positive feelings, and have a good example for you to "look up to".

Lastly, but most importantly, love and spend time and "be there" for your own kids (I imagine you already do this immensely!), in a way that your own mom isn't/wasn't there for you. You're not going to make up for what you are missing, but your kids will not have the same feelings then about you, if you've done everything in your own power to do things differently.

I hope you can find peace in this situation, and that you find what you're looking for.

Blessings, Mama!

To answer your question, "Why do you want to be part of her life so badly? "... I think a big part of it is now that you have children, you see the big picture more clearly - you want the same closeness with your mom that you presumably have with your own children. Everyone, no matter how old, has a basic human need to love and be loved - ideally, the best and purest kind of love is between a mother and child - it is selfless, unconditional, and constant. These are the things you are yearning for. It sounds like your mom is simply not able to provide those things for you; for whatever reason she has created a vast emotional distance between you. I sincerely doubt that it has anything to do with you specifically - it sounds like she is trying to shield herself from reaching out to you and becoming emotionally vulnerable in the process. Although this saddens you greatly, it is her loss too because she is missing out on the joy of seeing you be a mother to her grandchildren. If you cannot talk to your mom about this, I honestly don't know how any progress will be made in the relationship - you already know you can't change her, so the next step is for you to reach some kind of acceptance within yourself that allows you to have her in your life on your own terms. I really do empathize with you, and pray that one day your mom will come around.

You can keep reaching out to her. She might be suffering from some sort of depression. WAY over on the other hand, she could just be being selfish and you need to back off a bit and see if she reaches out to you. I feel so bad for you! I can't imagine my mom being that way. Pray for the best!

I cannot even imagine as all I want is to be more a part of my daughter's life and she lives so far away from me! But my husband is like this with his kids. He thinks they should call him, not vice versa, they should come see him, not vice versa. He loves them but he's insecure with the relationships and doesn't want to appear like he's "needy". Also, he has a difficult time with the youngest grandchildren...until kids reach the age of reason, he has no clue how to relate to them and since our life is normally pretty quiet, he gets anxious about the absolute normal activity level of toddlers and preschoolers. One thing that has helped me with trying to support his relationships with grandchildren is to take him and the kids out some where. If we are at a park, or the zoo, or a kid type restaurant or kid event, or swimming, there is something for the kids to focus on so they aren't just running around, he is not worried about the kids hurting themselves or hurting something in our house and he can't escape into the TV or his computer. If it wasn't for "field trips", I don't think he'd have the relationships with them that he does! I would suggest taking your mom out with the kids. Also, I would suggest just you and your mom going out to lunch or shop sometimes without the kids. I hope she comes to appreciate your desire to have a better relationship. Let me tell you, personally, it is so nice to hear a daughter who wants to have a close relationship with her mom and also some of these responses from women who found a new closeness with their moms after kids. Oh boy, oh boy, I can't wait until my daughter has kids. Not that I'll push that...but oh boy, oh boy, I can't wait!

First of all, I am so sorry your mother treats you this way. I cannot even imagine how that feels. It really doesnt seem like she will ever change and unfortunately you just have to take her for what she is. No, your not immature at all. I would feel the same way. Have you talked to a counselor about your feelings? Maybe that would help. Not having a mom in your life, at any age, has to be really tough. :(

Well, I'm sorry you don't have a close relationship that you want with her. However, some women got (and still get) married and have children even though they never really wanted kids. They're not "kid" people and they don't like being around them much -even their own grandchildren. She is your mother, but that doesn't mean she's not an extremely self-absorbed person. It sounds like she is! For her -once you were grown -her job was done. I know that's cold and it's not what you want, but it's just the way some people are.

It's not immature to want to feel that your mother loves you! We ALL want parental approval for most of our lives. Letting go and moving on when we know it's not going to happen is all we can do. Easier said than done, I know! I know you said that you've talked to her, but have to really gotten down to brass tacks? I mean -in a firm voice -sitting her down and just asking, "Do you love me? Do you care about me because I'm your daughter? You make all of these excuses but you are so self-absorbed it seems you only care for yourself and not for me or your grandchildren. I want you to understand that I DON'T THINK YOU LOVE OR CARE ABOUT ME! Do you want to die one day with me feeling like that?" I think it's just fine to "start a fight" with her in this case. If she's still unresponsive and never changes, you don't have to love and respect her just because she's your mother. She is supposed to love you because you're her daughter. That's a two-way street! Just because she's your mother doesn't mean you have to deal with her if it's going to make you feel bad. If she doesn't want to be around you, then I wouldn't bother! I would suggest some therapy to help you get through this though.

Hi B.,
You've gotten a lot of good advice thus far and you already know that you cannot change her.
I guess you could try "backing off" even more and see if it has an effect on her--but, sadly it may not.
I'm wondering if you have ever talked to a counselor about this. are you wanting approval from your mom? Do you want her to acknowledge that YOU are a good mom (which you obviously are!) If so, find out why her approval is so vital to you and then you may be better able to deal with her as she is.
I have a MIL who is a great deal like this. My SIL is an awesome mom and I think it irks MIL to no end to see that. It brings forward all of her regrets and mistakes--things she really DOES have a chance to experience with her grandchildren--yet she doesn't. Very sad.
Good luck to you!

I'm pretty sure that my mom only had me... lol... Oh, my mom doesn't own a computer. : )

My mother is a lot like this, but my mom is also NASTY about things too. My mom has a mean, cold-hearted, attitude on top of the 'leave me alone to be alone'. I RARELY ask my mother for anything. Because I get the, 'I'm so busy, I really can't do that...' speech. My mom doesn't work. No kids in the house. And I MIGHT ask her to watch my kids for a day out of 90... IF THAT. My mom acts like it's the BIGGEST inconvienence ever.

The only advice I might have for you is to do what I do... Try to limit contact to only when SHE contacts you. I have found my mother figure in my mother in law and my EX mother in law. Two women that have easily replaced my mother/daughter bond.

EDIT TO ADD- I have vowed never to treat my children the way my mother has always treated me.

And I've tried the letter to my mother... It worked more on my stepdad then it did her. My grandmother and my uncle (he's only 8yrs older than me, we grew up more like brother and sister) observed her behavior all the time and were the first to come to my aid when my mother was completely out of line.

Your mom wasn't born between Jan 20th & Feb 19th was she?

You are not immature. It's natural to want your mother's love and approval. Most of us strive for that all of our lives. I agree with what Mum4ever wrote. Your mother is probably dealing with her own demons and is unable to show you her love in they way in which you want to receive it.

I learned how to love myself and not expect so much from my parents thru therapy. My father was a distant sort of person, a workaholic who was unaware of feelings. I could not talk with him and I felt lonely and hurt much of the time. I spent most of my life feeling angry with him because it felt to me that he didn't even try. Only after he became ill and bed fast was I able to accept that he did the best that he could. He had a difficult time growing up with parents who were also distant with him. He didn't know how to be any other way.

When we aren't able to get the love and attention from our parents in a way that nurtures us we must find ways to nurture ourselves. It's unlikely that your mother will ever be able to give you the nurturing you desire. I suggest that counseling will help you figure this out; not only how to accept your mother as she is and how to provide the closeness for yourself.

Moving on will not solve the problem for you. You have a need to feel close. I suggest that you continue to do as you are now with your mother but work on accepting that she is doing the best that she can; that she does love you but is unable to show you her love in a meaningful way for you. Then work at learning to love yourself wholeheartedly. You still need to be close to others but you won't need that so badly if you can learn to be more complete within yourself.

This is a very complicated idea that I didn't understand until I'd been in counseling for years. Everything we need is within ourselves.

WHat you need to do is stick up for your children and you as a person and tell her straight out how you feel and stop letting her control u. By you allowing her crabby ness negativity about the kids and her keep doing these emotional roller coasters is not goood for you or the kids. You need to stand your ground and tell her off and than if things persist start treating her the way shes treating you and see if she like it. I am in similar curcumstance and i am ready to get out of dodge and not deal with it any more because i am sick of it. I wish my parents wasn't as cruel as they are but they are and they hurt us and i will not allow it and i show my kids not to be like that. I feel you give respect if they don't give it back than you treat one as they treat you!!

Hi B.,

I'm sorry to hear about your troubled relationship with your mother. I feel like you could have been writing the story of me and my mother. I too, make an effort to call her each week. I usually get an uninterested answer hello, what do you want type tone. Heaven forbid if I call her more than once a week for some reason, she might actually ask me "what do you want". It almost breaks my heart, except I've come to expect it. She rarely asks about my son or my husband. We live in separate states, but when we lived nearby (15 mins away) she never traveled to our home.

I agree with the previous poster that suggested she had a troubled childhood. My mom didn't have it rough per se, but she does carry a lot of resentment towards the way her siblings were treated better than her. My mom can hold a grudge. She has also become an alcoholic and a workaholic, which like the other poster mentioned, it's a way to escape all her problems.

I think you are doing the best you can. Keep calling her, visiting her, and sharing what's on your mind. This may be the person she has become. I hope she can finally begin to show you the love you've been wanting. If not, just strive to be the best mother you can be to your child/children. That's what I do :)

Take care.

This sounds just like my SIL's relationship with her Mother. She's 35 this year and is only just now realizing she doesn't need such a negative, frustrating and emotionless person bringing her or her children down. Trying to force a relationship is only going to harm you and your family - I'd drop her like the loser she is and move on.