Have Everything I Always Wanted and Feel Miserable

Updated on April 10, 2009
T.H. asks from Fairport, NY
56 answers

I have everything I always though I wanted and I feel miserable. I have a wonderful hardworking husband who is my bestfreind and an amazing father. Two healthy happy children, a boy 3 and a girl 10 months who we tried very hard to have. I always wanted to be able to stay home and raise our kids and my husband has worked very hard to make that possable. We have a very nice life. Why Iam I so board and unhappy. I love my kids so much but I just get so tired of being the parent. Things feel like they are to diffacult.I just don't know why and what to do about it. Maybe I need to start working again part-time just to get out of the house. But even that seems like it would be to hard to arrange. Any advise of helping me love or even like my life is appreciated. Maybe I just need to vent. I feel like this sounds terrable.

1 mom found this helpful

What can I do next?

  • Add yourAnswer own comment
  • Ask your own question Add Question
  • Join the Mamapedia community Mamapedia
  • as inappropriate
  • this with your friends

So What Happened?

I just want to say THANK YOU soo much for all of the responces. It is so nice to have a place where you can say whats on your mind and everyone is there to show support. I am going to take a lot of the advise I was given and try to turn myself around. I really do not want to go on any meds. so I am going to try to get out of the house a little more often, and hopfully when the weather clears up we all can get out a bit more. I think it has help a lot just getting it out there and hearing what all of you had to say. I did not put 2 and 2 together until after talking with my husband last night, but I also just stopped nursing. Iam wondering if my hormones have a lot to do with my feeling this way. All I can really say is THANK YOU, you all have made a BIG differance, and I will keep posting.

More Answers

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.H.

answers from New York on

Hi T.
You are not alone! Even though my home situation is a bit different, in that I am separated, working fulltime and solely caring for and supporting my daughter, I can tell you that I can relate about 110%!
I can barely manage one, so I dont really know how people have two (or more!)
Things are not always what they are cracked up to be. We as women are taught by society from the time we are tiny to feel like motherhood is the be-all and end-all, and so when we realize that oftentimes it is unfulfilling, rote, and boring, we can take that to mean there is something wrong with us. But I can guarantee you that pretty much every woman has felt this way, and if they say they havent, they just might be lying!
My mother always told me to never have kids - she had three and loved us all so much, sacrificed everything for us, and really made us into hardworking, caring, and generous people. She took her role of mother very seriously, but she also wanted my sister and I, especially, to realize our own self-worth as women, not mothers. She always said "When you feel like you have nothing else to do with your life, then you should have a child." SOme people think that sounds harsh, but in reality I think it's true - it illustrates the fact of exactly how draining and encompassing the role of mother really is (when it's done "well" at least).
I always feel like things are too difficult... I find myself often feeling like even the smallest task of putting on my daughter's shoes becomes a major event - putting her hair in a ponytail always has to take place as I crawl around on my knees following her as she is running away from me - of course all this is taking place when I am already 15 minutes late to work.
But at the same time, on another level I am so crazy about her that I find myself running up the stairs to the daycare to pick her up. This is then followed by an evening of battling to have her go to sleep, stay asleep, and maybe, just maybe, I get to watch the hot Italian movie star contestant guy on dancing with the stars as I drink my coffee. This is a goal that is VERY rarely achieved.
I don't know if going back to work is the answer - since personally I feel like I am very conflicted and somewhat guilty that, as a working mom, I dont blissfully enjoy every moment of the time I do have home with her.
I guess my main point is to say that we as women are often too hard on ourselves and feel like we need to be Supermom - but the reality is that we can have the same range of feelings about our kids as we would about anyone we love. And from time to time, as with any relationship, it can become extremely overwhelming, unfulfilling, or boring. I think the key is to vent it when it comes up (feel free to contact me - trust me, I am ALWAYS looking to vent!) and just realize that things are seldom what we dreamed they would be. Real life is always less glamorous and more difficult than we expect.
Take care!
A.

3 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

D.S.

answers from New York on

Dear T.,

I was a stay at home mom for 15 years and I had many days that I felt just like you are right now. I just want to say that in the end it all pays off. My kids are now 24 and 19 and were worth every sacrifice I made for them. Being able to raise your own children is a gift as hard as it can be and sometimes and can feel like a life sentence LOL!!! Being a stay at home mom is the most difficult and yet rewarding job you can do. I would suggest you try to get some activities for yourself. Try joining a gym, maybe a book club, etc. I also craved adult conversation and interaction after being home all day trying to reason with my kids. Is your little boy in preschool? That may help you to meet some moms in the same boat as you. Now that the nice weather is coming try to get out everyday and take the kids to the park. Having the winter blues can be a part of your unhappiness as well. I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone in your thoughts we have all loved our children and felt the same as you. Once my kids were older I went back to school and got my degree. So try to look at this time as temporary and you will get your life back. Just hang in there and don't forget you have needs and it is not selfish to take care of yourself first. A happy mommy makes a happy family. I now own and run a childcare center and there are days when I am consoling moms who have to leave their precious babies because they have to work. I am not trying to diminish your feelings I am simply saying try to look at this as a wonderful advantage that you have to stay home with your kids. You do not have to go out to work to feel complete there are so many other things you are doing to contribute and that are very worth while. Feel better you could be raising our first female president!!!

3 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.P.

answers from Buffalo on

Dear T.,

Lots of moms go through this...I wouldn't call it 'depression', but it is almost that. You need to get a hobby, or get involved in some charitable work.

Basically, you need to do something for YOURSELF...to increase your self-esteem. A SAHM is one of the toughest things to do...everyone feels you have a cushy life...and (they presume)you get to laze around all day.

Work around the house...to make it a home...though never ending, is almost invisible to others. It's ironic that the more efficient you are at maintaining/running your home, the less your efforts are noticed.

I stopped working(at a job) when my kids were 7 and 3, coz they asked me to! They wanted me to stop working so I wouldn't be too tired to play with them. I almost went stir crazy in the beginning...even asked my doctor the same question you posted...why am I so unhappy? He wanted to prescribe anti-depressants, but luckily, a friend suggested I start getting a life. I started volunteering at the kids' schools, and in the community. Also started painting glass...took classes amd learnt to fuse glass...and now have established my Glass work as a small business(www.amaalgam.com). I still have the kids' schedules and running of the home as my first priority, so don't get time to expand the business into a financially profitable venture. But the appreciation I get from clients and friends helps raise my self esteem, and also lets my family see me as something other that cook/cleaner/chauffer etc.

Best of luck,

K.

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.S.

answers from Albany on

WOW, you could be talking to me. I have joined a mom group, and keep myself very busy, but nothing really seems to work. I am off to the doctors again about it. I have been feeling this way for 18 months, and that's how old my daughter is. I have no family support at all. I am now using 2 friends and I send her to their house 1 time a week for 2 hours, it is great. I sometimes pay, but its worth it. If you can see the Oprah show that someone mentioned, it was really great. There are a lot of people that feel this way and even worse. It was a light bulb moment for me. This was nothing that I thought it would be. My daughter is very needy and crys a lot. She is very demanding, and I was not even ready for that. The important thing, is to talk with a doctor and see if they can help and join some goups and get a sitter, even one that will come to the house. What ever works, you are not alone and there are lots of us going thought the emotions and just getting by. I am sure it doesn't have to be that way. Alison

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.G.

answers from New York on

Staying home full time and caring for children 24/7 is hard. You can't take a shower without knowing where the kids are or waiting until both nap at the same time (haha). Even going to the bathroom you must make arrangements for the children to be safe if you don't have 1 or both (I also get the dog) in there with you. You just had a baby 10 months ago and that is full time plus a full time 3 yo. It takes a lot of adjustment and patience and ALL of us don't handle it well at different times. You may also be suffering from "the baby blues". They don't always hit right after birth. Don't beat yourself up for how you feel but talk to your husband about it being honest. Tell him of the frustration, anger or whatever bad you feel and the good. the love you feel when the baby smiles, the joy in the things that the 3yo is learning. Also talk to your doctor and/or a counselor and get some help. Being a full time SAHM may not be the right choice for you. Going back to work even part time may be the best choice for you but you and hubby have to decide together. Also do you have friends with the same age children? How often do you get out with AND without the children? EVERYONE needs some time for them. Find a mom's group, church group, any group with mom's with children in the baby to toddler years. It helps when you have someone to talk to that understands exactly what your going through. It sounds like your husband is supportive and wonderful but at the same time he does not understand how only talking to a 3yo and 10 month old all day can make you a little nuts. Talk to him for sure but another mom in the same boat will know what your talking about verses listen to what your talking about. I have been there and have found friends with the same age children. when I'm going nuts I call one up and know I will not be judged but loved through it! I have a great friend who I think of as SUPER MOM! She home schools all 5 children, takes then all shopping with her and rarelly gets out on her own or even with the hubby. She loves it but even SUPER MOM has her days! Don't compare yourself to other either!!! Now with the warmer weather a park may be a great option to meet other moms. Talk to the hubby and get some help ASAP before you full deeper into depression! A.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.D.

answers from New York on

I don't think what you are saying sounds terrible. I work full time and always say that I wish I was a home full time, but after a few days of it, I am thinking, MAN THIS HARD, work has become a break for me. I'm convinced many of us are just NEVER happy - LOL - but serioulsy - stayiing home full time is HARD WORK and it takes a lot from you as an individual. I work full time and I give my stay at home mom friends serious credit. Sometimes I think thats harder on them as individuals - even though I might have it harder in other ways. Are you depressed, do you need medication? Maybe, but maybe you just need to make some changes in your life first to find some personal fullfillment as an individual women. I swear we lose so much of ourselves b/c we put it ALL into our families and thats fine, but I think sometimes we need to just find ourselves again too - for the perfect balance. Is there something you like to do but don't...crafts? Sewing? Cooking? Reading? Working out? Look within and find out what makes you YOU and see if you can arrange your time to include some more of that in your daily life - it wil give you time to rejuvenate and feel better - MAYBE you should go back to work part time...I know of a lot of women who WANT To work. Theres nothing wrong with that. Don't feel as if you are alone. You are not and what you are feeling is NORMAL! Talk to your husband about your feeling and maybe together the two of you can come up with a plan. Counseling and therapy area always options too...but if it were me, I'd just start with trying to make some changes in my own life. Good luck - I hope you find your way and are feeling better. We as women deal with so much!!!!!!!!!!!!

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.L.

answers from New York on

T.,

Being a mom is tough. Although I work full time so I am not in your boat completely, my kids are similar ages to yours (boy 3 1/2 yo and girl 10 mo). It is tough to shift gears between the 2 age groups and try to find time for yourself. Before I had children I used to be a runner (ran several marathons and half marathons), although I don't have time to train for something like a marathon I have begun to run again and it has helped alot. I feel better about myself and my clothing is getting looser (yeah). Maybe you can take up a hobby you enjoyed before having children, so that you can feel like an individual again and not just MOM. Again I recognize how tough it is to detach from being a full time mom, but I do think you will feel better when you find time to do something for you. Trust my it took me just over 3 years to realize that I have not done anything for myself in 3 years, I was not happy and it was not making me a better person/mom by not doing for myself. Hope this helps.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.H.

answers from Utica on

Hi T.
How are you today?
Your note does not sound terrible, it sounds as if perhaps you better check and make sure it is not clinical or other depression. Then, you can do some of the wonderful things SAHM's do.
If this is the first time you have been able to stay home perhaps you had glorified what that would be like. Keep that in mind. Staying home and caring for your children is hard work. That is why some choose not to do it. Staying home and teaching your children your values is hard work. That is why some choose to let their children have the values of the day care providers.
I suspect you wanted to do those things so now you must decide how. Your 3 yo, is probably ready for library story hour. Check when it is & go, assuming you want him to love to read so that school will be easier for him. It also lets you meet some other SAHM's, that may have your same values. Now think through other things you may want for your children. Many home schoolers start homeschooling at 3, so gear up for having your own school time for part of the day. It takes time to plan, and time to do, hey that makes the day go faster. Or you can just hand out color pages and crayons, playdough, or puzzles and sit and play with him. Still the day goes faster. Reading those library books doesn't hurt either. I used to read their books, then move into a kid chapter book when I read to my twins and hoped they would fall asleep for naptime, or bedtime. I read the whole Laura Ingalls Wilder series when they were 4. I loved it and they remember it.
Do you want them to know God? Church and Sunday School are places to meet like minded people, with like age children. Check this summer for Vacation Bible Schools in your area. Your 3yo may also be ready for some of them. Check and see. That gives you a taste of some of the different churches.
Putting one foot in front of the other is the first step, and sometimes it is the hardest, but it is necessary to do for your sake but also for the sake of your beautiful little ones.
All SAHM's need friends to call, and time at the parks, library or other public places to meet other mom's. The kids also need time to be with other kids. Choose them wisely.
God bless you and all you do
Let me know what happens next. Especially as you talk to the MD, OB, or whoever you can get in to see.
K. SAHM married 38 years=== adult children 37, coach; 33, lawyer, married with 9 mo; and twin girls 18, in college after homeschooling.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

D.R.

answers from New York on

hi T.. you should know first of all that you are sooooo not alone, and it does not sound terrible at all, just honest. just last night oprah had a show with all moms being very honest, in a non-judgemental conversation, about their true feelings about motherhood. i was watching it crying because i know how they feel. we have all been there to some degree or another. you should go on her website and look for links from the show yesterday. just know that post partum depression is a very common, very real thing. and there is no time limit on when it can start. if you feel like you dont have a balance between good days and bad, or just good moments and bad, you might need some help, someone to talk to, it can work wonders. you also might not need that. for me, getting out of the house and walking works wonders. the fresh air and exercise for both me and the kids is a huge help all around. the winter can be so hard, very isolating and you tend to marinate in the blah-ness of it. i cant wait to plant some flowers, get my hands in the dirt, come out of hibernation. also, going back to work part time might be great, i feel like that sometimes, like that is just what i need. but i dont know. we are all so hard on ourselves and on each other. working vs stay at home vs part time, they are all hard in different ways, and all have benefits in different ways. the reality is that motherhood is hard. it is wonderful and amazing, i love it like crazy. but i find it very depressing that the bulk of my days are made up not of frolicking in the park with my kids or taking in museums and enhancing their social skills like i envisioned pre-kids, but with the real and necessary and completely unending and unappreciated things like laundry and diapers and dishes. and laundry. and laundry. thats just what it is. its up to you to find your balance, walk away from the chores and leave them and do the things that make you happy and make you a better person and a better mom. and realize that the things that make you a better mom and the things that make you a better person are not necessarily the same thing, but they have the same end result. make room for both. if you have friends who are moms, who are honest, you should be able to find a couple who will talk about this, about how it really is, the good and the bad. you can always email me if you want. support is important. and if you need more help, go get it. best of luck to you, stay in touch.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.R.

answers from Utica on

Well, I must say a stay at home parent is not easy, I retired for the Military in 2005, thinking that it would be fun once I retired, but then came a stalk and drop of a little angle, who I have been taking care off from day one, My wife is Military, currently Deployed, and boy was I fool and in for a very big surprise about this stay at home, I tell her often I would trade places with her. I also have two other kids 17 and 11, and they don't make it any easy for me, so I see both sides of the river. I 'am like you I am happy, but don't have everything, but I make the best of it because I have to make it for the family , Making them strong will make me stronger and a better parent.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.J.

answers from Albany on

Diane S said some very important things that I completely agree with. I have been there and just now feel that I am slowly breaking free from those feelings as my youngest is now 3 and I can start doing things for myself.

So you cetainly are not alone. Use this as a period of growth to rediscover things about yourself or to jump back into your pre-mommy activities. There is a light at the end of the tunnel! Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

C.S.

answers from New York on

I can relate. I have felt the same way you described since my son was born in November. I have two pieces of advice that have helped me to turn things around.

I felt "trapped" at home. I ALWAYS thought I wanted to be a SAHM but, I plan to go back to work now and I feel a hundred times better. I felt uninteresting to my husband and other adults and it made me feel like "less." I became really insecure and depressed. Do something that makes you feel like a whole person and not just a care giver. It takes a toll on you if you are always giving giving giving and don't get to do anything for yourself that gives you pride and outside acknowledgement. Being a mom is pretty thankless, even if your husband tells you what a "good job" you're doing all of the time, like mine does. As soon as I started focusing on looking for a job that I really wanted to do, I started feeling hopeful and excited again. Please don't misread me, I LOVE LOVE LOVE my baby and truly enjoy being with him and taking care of him -- I just realize I need more for myself.

The second thing that I did that was a huge help was I started listening to a book on CD that a friend got me called "Happy for no Reason" by Marci Shimoff. I started listening to it while I am in the car running errands and I do the exercises while my 5 month old is sleeping. It's really easy and it has helped me feel so much more positive and hopeful and appreciative of what I have and love in my life. I try to listen to each part a couple of times because I get a little distracted from it while driving at times (or my mind wanders about what I just heard and how it applies to me).
I hope that this helps a little. At the very least, know that many many women have the same quandry. I always thought that motherhood would make me happy but, now I realize that it takes more than that. I have to be happy, independant of the circumstances in my life. Personally, I don't think you need medication. I've tried that route in the past and it's just a band-aid. If anything, try getting a counsellor or a life-coach who can help you come up with ideas and options to make you feel fulfilled.
Best wishes!!! My heart goes out to you and I hope you find the balance and happiness you seek.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

C.J.

answers from New York on

I think all moms go through a depression or sadness, when it seems like there is nothing else to do but take care of your children. My only suggestions would be to start slow, and get yourself involved in a class, activity, or hobby once a week, and see how you feel. It's amazing how much even a short break makes. Try enrolling in a class on something you are interested in, join a mothers/play group, take an exercise class. If work is an option, look into some jobs where you could work part time and look into childcare as well. Sometimes just breaking the monotony is enough, but if you find that it isnt, then maybe look into seeing someone who can evaluate you more thoroughly ! Good luck, and know that you are not alone, just make sure you take some time for you!

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

F.C.

answers from New York on

T.,

I totally relate. We have been lucky to have 2 kids (tried for years), live well and all love eachother. Yet, I find myself still not thrilled. I know this about myself-i have always been a very goal oriented chick and even when I achieve goals, I still don't celebrate--rather I find something still unsatisfying. I know I need a vacay. I'm awake everyday 5am till 11pm and no one thinks of my needs (husband is amazing but businessifocued as he should be in this recession). And my kids are almost 3 and 7 months and I'm nursing and tired. And strangers keep asking if I'm pregnany bc I haven't lost my freakin belly. Okay, so these things get to me but when someone understands me (without offering solutions)and just sees things from my pov, I feel better. I think having a couple of good friends is the best thing to do. See them often, call them daily. I also moved to a new town and haven't found these close friends yet...anyway, we all have our own lives which keeps us apart.
Also, write a list of what makes u happy. Then follow it! I have goals I achieve daily which helps me feel the control I crave (bc I can't control anything else in the day w kids), other than my patient happy reaction.
This is a hard job! So just love how good you are raising the kids, then put on musaic, havr some alone time and call a friend.good luck!! And tell me how its going...I'm on a walk now in the sun. I left my kids with a sitter I don't even like (she's so dirty + messy + I have to clean her mess!!) But I needed a break + she was available. ;)

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

C.F.

answers from New York on

It doesn't sound terrible.. I think we all feel that way... Maybe y ou should try going on some antidepressants?? I kind of was feeling that way and my doctor put me on Lexapro.. what a difference!!! Get a mom's group together so that you can all get together and the kids can play; that way you'll have some adult interaction... good luck!! hang in there!!

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

I.C.

answers from New York on

I am a motivational speaker and eternal optimist. I always emphasize the value of appreciating what you have and how it will lead you to being happy. That being said it doesn't mean that you can't have aspirations toward wonderful additional activities and things in your life. But it sounds like you have a very firm basis to enjoy happiness and your outlook and life just need a little awakening and improvement in how you see it all. I would love to speak with you. You may call me directly at ###-###-####. I. Collins

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.C.

answers from Syracuse on

a part time job isn't a bad idea, but otherwise I wonder what you are doing to get out and about with the kids. It is Spring Fever season after all. Try and make sure that you and the kids get out and socialize at least once a week. My dd and I go to story time once a week and it does he1p me keep my sanity. If you are already doing these things, perhaps it is an indicator that you need to be doing things that are just yours be it a job or a hobby group or something. And don't forget that if nothing else seems to help, perhaps you need to consider issues like depression. It can happen to anyone and there are alot of options out there for help.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.G.

answers from Buffalo on

HI T.,

I'm so sorry you feel that way. It is tough being a Mom. You always feel like you have to be "supermom". I think you should either find a part time job at night when your husband is home just to get out of the house. Or maybe volunteer at an animal shelter or other group. Everyone needs adult conversation. Have you talked to your doctor about therapy and/or anti depressants? I wish you a lot of luck. Just be the best Mom you can be for your kids!!!

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

B.K.

answers from Binghamton on

Hi T.!

Don't beat yourself up! Most likely your body is still adjusting to the birth of your baby - those hormones are killers, especially if you are nursing. I also found that sleep made a huge difference in my outlook. With my first son I hated every day, even though I was overjoyed with him. I was just so tired that it changed my outlook on everything. i didn't feel tired, but I was mean and nasty and that's how my fatigue manifested itself. Everyone will tell you to make time for yourself, and that is invaluable, but I also went on a low dose of Zoloft which made a HUGE difference. I felt like me again, and things that I was focusing on before no longer bothered me. Are you anxious? Often this manifests itself as depression. Talk to your doctor, because this time is too precious to spend unhappy!

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

B.M.

answers from New York on

I think you need to seek medical advice. You may be suffering from depression.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.B.

answers from Rochester on

T.,

Check with your OB doc. S/he might have some answers for you. It sounds like post partum, possibly depression but I can't diagnose anyone, I'm not a doctor!

The attitude of gratitude is one that is especially hard to cultivate when you are looking in the wrong direction.

What I do when I get too focused on what is not in my life is make a list of everything I am grateful for (sometimes even use the alphabet :) and look it over. Usually I find more and more things. Being grateful for what I do have makes me more lenient on myself for the things I do not (and won;t ever have).

Good luck,
and Let me know how it goes,
M.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.S.

answers from Syracuse on

I feel that way a lot of times too. I went to graduate school so I could have a career, but now I can't find a job that accomodates a family. I am volunteering now in my free time, so maybe that will work for you too. Now that you have achieved your goals, you need to set new ones for yourself. I think there were some great suggestions--exercise, starting a hobby, making new friends. It sounds like you just need a new purpose in life. Good luck to you!

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

T.A.

answers from New York on

I can understand your frustration. Staying home, and parenting 24-7 is hard work, and no one should have to do it alone. The saying "it takes a village..." is absolutely true. Years ago woman had families and friends to help out on a daily basis; now we are expected to do it alone, and if we do enlist help we are not "good enough mothers..."

My advice is this:
Get a mothers helper..perhaps someone to come in and give you a few hours a week to do what you want. If you can't afford one find a mother and do a "kid swap.." and once or twice a week give each other an afternoon "off.."

You really sound like you need a break, and raising two kids under the age of four means you NEED one, on a daily if not weekly basis.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

R.C.

answers from New York on

Does your husband know how you've been feeling? If not, talk to him about it...him knowing you the best, can be very supportive and maybe he'll have some great ideas how to deal with it.

Maybe a break from your daily routine would help...How about a romantic vacation...just you and your husband????

Talking to a good therapist can help...as you said, you just might need to vent..

How about taking a class and learning something new? Maybe a new hobby? A part time job, or maybe some volunteer work? A new make over..haircut, make-up, new clothes?? An exercise program? Get out more with your friends? "go dancing" Plan a party? Plan and grow a garden? Re-decorate a room?

Just don't be hard on yourself...and know you aren't alone, we all have our up's and down's. We get so busy taking care of everyone else in the family we forget about our own needs...So push yourself to get busy doing something nice for yourself, something that will lift your spirits...

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.U.

answers from Binghamton on

Hi T.,
You don't sound terrible at all. Staying at home with the kids all the time is alot. I know I'm not good witht the "me" time. On my time I read about how to get my baby to sleep. It's 24/7. The thing that makes me feel good and gets me out is I help at my church. They have different functions I bake for them. Sometimes during the day they need tables set up. It gives me something else to do and helpful to others. I can bring the kids with me so you don't have to worry about arranging for care. Then they can help also. You'll always find good things at church.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

L.S.

answers from Buffalo on

Hi T.,
You know there's an old song with the title "Is that all there is, my friend?" And that has reeled through my head for years - until now. I am volunteering at a job where I feel passionate about the outcome: rescuing and adopting out cats. I am also working mostly part time at a home based business that gives me residual income I can will to my kids! If you want to hear more call me at ###-###-#### or send me an email at [email protected]____.com. I wish you the very best.
L.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.T.

answers from New York on

Hi T.,
It is possible that you are suffering from depression. Depression is an illness, it is not a choice and it doesn't matter what your life is like, you can be clinically depressed. It's a medical issue and you are not to blame if this is the case. I would go to your regular doctor for a checkup and let him know how you are feeling.

Also, what are you doing for YOU? While you might enjoy being a SAHM, that doesn't mean that you don't need time away from the kids or something that you do for yourself, like the gym, book club, crafting group, an adult ed class. Being a SAHM doesn't mean that you should have no life apart from caring for the children and house.

Good luck!

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.S.

answers from New York on

First of all, you do not sound terrible at all! We all have these feelings from time to time, even if we love our kids more than the world itself and would do anything for them. Being a parent is overwhelming, and no matter whether you work or not, it's a full time job. I have to work, because my husband isn't able to make enough for all of us at this point, but I wish I didn't. Still I know that I'd need outlets if I were a sahm, and I think finding other moms and play groups is key. You probably need a change of pace, and it's possible that you might need to find a part time job to help get you out. If you're really down, it can make it seem harder to go out and find a job, but it's possible if that's what you really want. You might want to start by finding a friend who could use a time out from her kids too, or who really wants to play mom for a while to take your kids for a few hours so you can go out and be on your own. Make it a trade, if she's a mom, offer to take her kids for a bit, too. If she's not, take her out to lunch or bring some back with you after your outing. There are options, you don't have to stay so unhappy. But most of all, know you aren't alone and it's ok!

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.C.

answers from New York on

I think every mom goes through this at one time or another. Motherhood can get lonely ...you try to be the perfect mom, always trying to engage your kids. You want to be a good wife, there is so much to do even when you are a SAHM. Oprah just did a special on this, and had 2 moms on that wrote a few books. They interviewed moms all over the country, and basically you are not alone in what you feel. Do you ever take time for yourself, pamper yourself, go out with friends (without kids)? I think you will know when you are ready to go back to work. I find alot of moms that go back to work really enjoy it(work) and their kids more, you love your kids, but sometimes being apart makes you appreciate them more. Moms usually do all the parenting, you are with them all day...you need a break....do you do playdates? Get together with other moms? I know i am all over the place with this, but I think it's good you talk about it.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

P.C.

answers from New York on

I just wanted you to know at times I feel the same so you are not a lone. I do work full-time and I have a 5 and 2 year old. I am happy to hasve my job although at times everything feels rushed. But I try to do litlle things that maake me happy wheather it is stopping at Starbucks Coffee Shop or going to the gym. My point is if going back to work part-time go for it. Also fine something just for you, no matter how small. God Blessing if things continue that way do not feel ashame to seek professional help, it could be a hormone inbalance. After my son 19 months later I found out from my doctor that my hormones was messing with me. Your child/ren are still young.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.J.

answers from New York on

T.,
I'm not sure why you are miserable? Your life sounds pretty good to me. I have a 2 month old and I will have no choice but to go back to work in May. I think working part time is the best of both worlds. It sounds like you need some time and freedom. Why not get a job. That won't be easy either, but just looking for a job will take up a lot of your time. It would give you something to do.
Good Luck.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.B.

answers from New York on

It sounds to me like work may be the right solution, but in a bigger picture you may be having some latent post-partum depression since your daughter is only 10 months old. It might be a good idea to discuss this with your OBGYN or to meet with a therapist. It is very overwhelming to balance a new child in the home and it can be a very difficult adjustment. Good luck!

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.H.

answers from Albany on

Lots of responses and I don't have time to read them all but just in case no one mentioned it you might just have a mild case of depression. This can usually be fixed through diet. Read The Diet Cure and or The Mood Cure by Julia Ross. The fact that you're aware life is good but not feeling it is a good indicator. It may just be a lack of amino acids in the brain and the books detail this.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

V.M.

answers from New York on

You may be a litle depressed. Or you may have the winter blues (you know, stuck inside with 2 active kids driving you up the walls). Try to get outside more with the kids, play in the yard or go to a park that's age appropriate for your children. Just some sunshine will do you some good. If that doesn't work you may want to see a therapist about depression. You youngest is only 10 mos and I was diagnosed with post-partum depression after several years of suffering (and not enjoying my younger child). Good luck to you but don't wait and suffer. Get whatever help you need to be happier.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

L.B.

answers from New York on

Been there done that. I joined the group Mothers & More and had weekly playgroups and went on outings with other Mom's. It was great to have another adult to talk to. I eventually hired a mothers helper 1 or 2 times a week for 2 hours so I could fold laundry, do chores, and actually concentrate. Then I found a part time job working nights so I did not need day care. Also make sure it is not perimenopause creeping up on you. That hit me hard as well.
Good luck.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

H.C.

answers from Rochester on

You probably have a combination of post-partum depression and sahm loss-of-identity. I went through the same situation with my last child was born. Do a lot of self pep talks. Count your blessings. Exercise hard every chance you get. And get out of the house, even if you take the kids. Have coffee with friends, wander a book store, anything. Read the news to help put your life in perspective. And good luck! You WILL be okay. And remember that your attitude can be the shining light in your children's lives or a dark cloud. Fake it til you make it!

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.C.

answers from New York on

Hi T. -- I'm going through something similar to your dilemma right now. I think we have to find our own light at the end of the tunnel. I read some of the responses you rec'd and they make a lot of sense. Maybe we just need to find something that we can create and complete. Housework is endless and our children are a work in progress and not near completion at all. Volunteering, part-time job, even a specific project for the home where you can see a goal...all might help. I wish you much good luck and know that you're not alone!

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

I.J.

answers from New York on

Hi T., Sounds like you need some grownup diversion. There is a business opportunity I would love to share with you. One where you could work at home, be with your children, and have financial freedom. Call me ###-###-####. I'm a young grandma who just loves what I do!!! Regards, I.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.G.

answers from New York on

Hi T.,
I was also a stay at home mom for 5 years. I eventually went back to work part time. I think when you are home with 2 children all day long you lose "yourself". Maybe you need to have a girls night out. One night a month I go out to paint. It is something that is just for me. It try never to give this up. Of course there are times when I can't help it.
I also volunteer for girl scouts. Maybe you should find a organization you can volunteer for. Sounds like you feel like you have no purpose but to be a wife and mom.
Please take a step back and look at how fortunate you are to have the life you do. There are people out here struggling and losing their homes.
Count your blessings!!!
J.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

T.T.

answers from Glens Falls on

i think we have all been there--or are we still ;)
i think maybe taking a class or two something that would not be too much might help...at home business? or mommy and me social events. sounds like you need to get out there a lil bit...i will give u some suggestions..u can take what you want..
check out radiantwonder.com
you may need to build up your blood source..she gives a free consult and some great chinese herbs that have helped me out so much. her name is amanada and she is sooo caring and great to talk to. you feel like everything is right in the world again...
maybe a massage to lower stress and increase your endorphins. a date by yourself once a week. a date with hubby once a week. a kids day where ur oldest picks something special to do...he's a lil young but you can give him choices. i would take some positive thinking classes online...they are pretty much free great people and always a task you can do to change ur mind...i hope some of these things will help you..they did for me.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

E.G.

answers from New York on

Have you considered starting on a medication to help with depression? It is very common to feel the way you do. You need to tell a doctor. I know you want the best for your children. The other thing you can consider is to host an au pair to assist you with childcare and then you can work if you like while giving your kids the world through an international young adult who can teach them about culture. The cost is $320 per week per family not per child. Let me know if you would like details.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.I.

answers from Rochester on

Im there with u, Im in the same position.Just reevaluating your life helps.Also what kind of outside interests do u have?

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

N.B.

answers from Washington DC on

Oh dear Lady, I am right there with you...except the husband part. I too get overwhelmed and think there's got to be more. I hate staying home all day, but hated working 40+ hours a week. There's got to be a happy medium...somewhere!

I think about things I like to do...arts and crafts, take pictures, long drives, and uninterrupted bubble baths...but never seem to get to do any of those things with a 2 1/2 year old up my butt...lol. My mom comes out once a month but it's one more person to cater to and not very relaxing.

If you find the answer to this solution, let me know. you are not alone.

Nanc

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

L.H.

answers from New York on

Take up a hobby. Do more things with your kids, while your hubby's at work. You can have the 3 year old help you bake or make special stuff like have him stir the jello after you've added the cold water, have him help cut out rolled cookies or refrigorator cookies with dental floss, have the kids decorate the cookies. Play school with the kids.....

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

R.H.

answers from New York on

You are not alone T.! Just hang in there. These years are going to fly by and when you look back, you will be glad you were there. I once took a philosophy class where the professor asked for one unselfish deed. I was the only mother in the class, so it was easy for me to answer without thinking about it. I told him being a mother. He analyzed it, but could not understand the great sacrifice of being a mother, afterall he wasn't even a parent. There is no sacrifice like it. Sometimes it is appreciated, sometimes it isn't, but overall it is the greatest thing you can accomplish by the grace of God.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.F.

answers from New York on

T.-
I felt the same way, i always dreamed of staying home with my kids and when i did, i was miserable. for financial reasons i was forced to go back to work full time and it was the best thing i could have done. it is very hard, but it was hard staying home too and at least now i feel like i get some time to myself and i feel more balanced and time with the kids is much less stressfull.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.D.

answers from New York on

Hi T.
I felt that way too and still felt like there was a void I needed to fill. I found a job I make my own hours .How old are your children? are they in school full day. I also found a support group helped alot to.You have to find a hobby,What do you like to do? Maybe volunteer I don't know what is your true passion.Mine is writing,painting. I found I needed to find me.And that took time to explore you can be happy you have to search inside of yourself to locate that piece inside of yourself. take a piece of paper and right your strengths on one side and weakness on the other. Make a goal for yourself. Be thankful for what you have and find a place to hold that feeling and when you get down or depressed look for that place. I thought I was losing everything my family ,Hope,Dreams,In 2007 I was at deaths door and i guess what I learned from that experience is everything was given back to me because I got a second chance.I think that being so close and fighting so hard. Now when I get down on myself I have to think back to where I was an count my blessings .good luck to you.Remember to find a happy place and return often A.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.D.

answers from New York on

Hi T., It is very natural to get tired of being "mom". I remember telling my kids to call me Sam! Our job is very demanding. I was fortunate not to have had a career before I had my children. I got married at 19 and have been a mom all my life. You bet your boots I felt at times like " I need to get away from this" I gather your husband is hard working and not around to pitch in. Just remember that your job is one of the most important there is. Raising kids to be fine citizens. Sure we get tired but don't give up. It is what you wanted but you did not know what to expect. Ask hubby to do some things with you if possible. And vent when you want, it works wonders. You could also pray, that works too. Hang in there, Grandma Mary (mom of 5, 3 grands:-)

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

C.D.

answers from New York on

Hi T. H. After I had my son I felt exactly the same way. Someone referred me to a local daycare provider who kept I paid hourly to keep my son and I would be off to do my own thing. I would got to the local gardening shop, browse the stores or library, Barnes n Noble, just for an hour or so. It helped tremendously. I would also suggest you volunteer if you can at the local Habitat for Humanity if you have one, just one per week would make a difference. Don't make a decision to return to work unless you are absolutely sure.
Good Luck
Mel

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.N.

answers from Buffalo on

do not feel terrible! perfectly normal. you may want to look into your local MOMS club. they are EVERYWHERE! it stands for mom's offering moms support. i felt alone & bored & i joined in january & have found so many like me & we do fun stuff with eachother & our kids all of the time. the president of my chapter - amherst south(in buffalo) - her e-mail is - [email protected]____.com - e-mail her RIGHT NOW! and she can direct you to the president of the chapter in your area. i STRONGLY suggest you do this. it has made a HUGE difference in my life. i no longer feel alone or bored - i'm very content now. good luck!

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.D.

answers from Albany on

I think that your feelings are perfectly normal. The grass is always greener on the other side you know! You received a lot of good suggestions. I will just add that you might want to consider volunteering at a non-profit organization. That might give you the time for yourself and outside interaction that you (and everyone else) needs. I have a friend who volunteered at a museum during activity time. She could take her kids with her. They played and she had a chance to meet and talk to other moms & people in the community.

Maybe something similar would help you. Try taking some time for yourself and see how you feel before assuming that you need depression meds. Maybe all you need is some exercise and time for yourself. Good luck!

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.G.

answers from Rochester on

I think being a sahm is more attractive to people before you're actually doing it. I think you need to get out more. Get a part time job and get a sitter. Or just get a sitter so you can have some time to yourself. Everyone needs that. Have you been out with your husband for a date since the kids came along?

Before I had kids I never wanted to be a sahm mom (I wanted to work full time), and now I work a full-time job (from home) and take care of my little girl (10 months)....plus I'm 6 months pregnant. It is rough. Although, I can't imagine her being at daycare all day while I work -- I'd miss her. So, I have a sitter several times a week in my home and it makes such a difference.

In your case....do you have any hobbies you aren't able to find time for? Hire a sitter and do some of those things. I've had to put aside scrapbooking and sewing...and I just wish I had time and stamina to do those. I think I'd be much happier....just getting time to do the things I want.

Good luck. Find some time for yourself. See a doctor if you want to go that route. Its not a bad idea, and I myself have seen one on occasion.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.C.

answers from New York on

Hi T.,

Try to do one thing for yourself (without the kids) every week. Something that will get your brain going. And make it a commitment. Volunteer work might be a great start. Try a library or church. Just two hours a day. Find a sitter - it won't cost you much but the return on your investment may be tremendous. Who knows, it might help you to see that you do want to work again. There is nothing wrong with wanting to work and not wanting to be home all day. I work FT - it's not easy but I couldn't be home all day, everyday.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

L.L.

answers from New York on

I think it's about balance. I've worked about full-time with one baby, part-time with 2, and not at all with the 2 of them, and they are ALL hard!!! What working does give you is some time alone and being more in control of how you spend your time, at work you can usually go to the bathroom when you need to etc. Being at home you are ON DEMAND all of the time, which couldn't/wouldn't be easy for ANYONE! What works for me is having something of my own and making it structured. For example, right now I am training for a running event. It requires me to have a training plan and I have a goal date associated with the event. The best part is I found a few others in the area that like to run as well...it was a "build it and they will come" approach. But anyway, running is now my sanity. When I run w/ now my close girlfriends we chat the whole time and usually start out by venting about the challenges we are currently facing in regard to motherhood. Motherhood is not easy and the tasks required of it include some that are never-ending and very mundane like: laundry, dishes, grocery shopping. Going from a stimulating career to one that can be described as a "professional cleaner" kids, house, clothes, dishes, etc. is not quite satisfying (at times anyway). Anyway, try to mix things up as much as you can. Train for some type of event physically (most gyms have nurseries!) there were times when I'd go to the gym to take a shower!!! Join a book club, reading is a great way to travel and explore new worlds!!!!! Put your older child in preschool and make it work so you get some free time (while the other one naps, type of thing). Or find a preschool that has extended hours and functions as a daycare as well and see if you can do an occasional drop-in with your baby. Do that and get your house cleaned (some places will do that as a drop in as well, don't have to have service every month) and while you're doing that go get a massage!!!! Ha ha, may be all wishful thinking, too expensive right now, but you get the idea. Another thing I changed too, was accepting help. When anyone would offer anything (watching kids, picking something up from somewhere, etc.) I would always say, "no that's ok," because I felt like I should be able to handle things and then I started to say, "hmmmm, well" but then it would be dropped since I didn't really accept help and now I say, "well if you really want to, that would be great, actually!" since when people offer to help they usually really want to and why shouldn't you have unsolicited help?? Take them up on it, it will be nice. Even if it means you just "be" for a little while. Getting a little more social will help too and know that EVERYONE feels this way, at least some of the time. I think there is this dreamy expectation of motherhood and know one really paints the true picture of the early days, which can be blissful and sweet at one moment and feel like a mental test the next. Know too, that this is temporary and that as they grow so will their needs. I think what everyone refers to as "depression" is really "situational depression" because at the end of the day there are many times where you are stuck in the house, sleep deprived, house work and chores up to you elbows and no acknowledgement for much any of it!! Now that I have 2 little ones, I for the first time truely appreciate my parents with all my heart. Sometimes I think, wow! they did all of this for ME! Know that you will love your children more than anyone in the world, ever and this responsibility and tasks are part of the territory. Again, get help, have a goal that takes planning and is fun to achieve, get social and soon the challenging parts of this time will pass.......best to you!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.S.

answers from Binghamton on

It does sound terrible - for you, and it sounds like depression. Stop blaming yourself ASAP, it is alright to feel the way you do, and there are things you can do about it. Go to your doctor and ask about treatment for depression. Get cracking on an exercise programme even if that just means 20 minute walks a few times a week and find a way of making music (join a choir, take up an instrument). When the sun comes out, get outside and soak it up, even if that means leaving the sink full of dirty dishes. I have suffered from depression all my life and manage to keep it mostly at bay, but it is an uphill battle. Do not give up, you can do this! You are not alone, believe me.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

C.H.

answers from New York on

First, do not feel guilty about not being happy; you're only human. Second, do try to appreciate what you have, and the opportunity to be with your young children and manage your own time, as opposed to having to plan around a work schedule. You should probably find a support group (are you breast-feeding?), or for "Moms at home", etc. If you want to work part-time, find something close to home, so you don't need to waste time commuting, and will feel more comfortable if you're called home. Do you have any family close by? I didn't, and have been managing a part-time job and returned to school (there's an option, too) for years.
Good Luck!
Chris

For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us

Related Questions