Don't Know What to Do About My 3 Year Old Daughters Bad Behavior

My best suggestion would be to talk to her Ped and get some professional advice. She might just be sooooo frustrated that she can't express what she wants how she wants that it comes off as anger. Another idea is when you catch her doing something good no matter how small it is praise her!

This is normal behavior for a severely frustrated child. It has nothing to do with your skills as a mother. As you identify and address the underlying issues, the behavior will improve. Sounds like the speech therapy is a good plan. Good luck and blessings.

Who is telling you --you are a bad Mom? First of all don't listen to them. Your daughter is a 3 year old and has a speech delay. She could also have a hearing problem. Once you are able to resolve all of that and her behavior doesn't change have her evaluated for autisim, ADD or ADHD. Keep fighting for her daughter, right now you are her champion and savior. If the live-in bf is not being supportive tell him to either get on board in finding her help or to get out.

Looking into hearing issues is great advice. Have you had her evaluated? MY experience with friends that have speech delayed kids usually end up getting an evaluation that unfolds other things. My best friend has been through the wringer and back with her son and finally got a diagnosis of PPD-NOS. He has been in speech for a couple of years, along with other therapies and he is improving every day. His behavior was overwhelming to her, so she kept digging until she found answers.
I doubt you're a terrible mom, because you're trying to get help from your fellow moms here :) Lots of love, listening, boundaries and consistency is a winning combo for you and your daughter.
Good luck to you!

YOu are describing my son 4months ago. check her ears. this honesly sounds like a hearing issue. It may be as simple as wax, fluid or ear infection.

The not listening are you sure she is not listening or not hearing what you say. The temper tantrums sound like fustration tantrums from a lack of ability to communicate. Instead of asking her what she wants to eat stick with what you know she likes. If she can't communicate she cant tell you what she wants to eat. Mine is hard of hearing among a lot of other ear issues. I decide for him at this point cause he calls anything to eat cheese. anything to drink is cup. These are catch all words for him.

the hitting yelling and screaming are a part of fustration for her. mine doesn't do that but he has a fit if he wants something and can't tell me what he wants. He cries and curls his hand for give me gesture. You need to get her to and ent. you also need to get her evaluated by ppcd in your school district.

If I am right and she can't hear this explains why she doesn't mind. You can't mind if you can't hear. A hearing loss for any reason minor or major has absolutely nothing to do with your parenting skills. You also need to find a more patient day care provider. ONe that works with special needs.

Does she respond to your voice? Does she respond to his voice? MIne would respond to daddy but not me. He couldn't hear me.Does she respond to loud noises? mine didn't but does now. after lots of work with the doctors. And sending her to her room for not minding if she can't hear is just plain not fair. They have to know what they are being punished for. If she can't hear she has no idea what the punishment is for. GET AN ENT APPOINTMENT

Sorry you are having problems with your 3 year old.

I had a son that refused to learn words. He'd just point and give a half whine, half grunt. And then if you couldn't guess what he wanted after two or three times, he'd throw a tantrum. We finally had to resort to spanking and making him say the words, even after we figured what he wanted. If you reward bad behavior, you get more bad behavior. Thats what we were doing by letting him have what he wanted by pointing and whine/grunting for it. When my wife and I agreed that he wasn't going to get what he wanted until he asked for it, he made tremendous progress.

It wasn't ears, it wasn't hearing it wasn't any of the AD-etc things. We just had to stand firm and be parents.

Good luck to you and yours.

If you don't have her in speech therapy then call Early Intervention ASAP before she turns 4. You can get free services if she is under 4 but if you wait you have to deal with the school district.

Probably she is frustrated about poor communication. Also some kids are a little more challenging than others (I have 2 with very different personalities). My older kid is really hard to manage if he is tired and/or hungry so going out to dinner can be rough. He does better at lunchtime. Limiting choices to maybe 2-3 items you know she likes to eat may help. Ordering a side or picking something you can share if her pick isn't a winner can help too. A few toys and snacks in the diaper bag or your purse can help too.

My older one I have been know to take to the car for a time out if he is having a tantrum in public. Maybe you can check the library for a few good parenting books. Happiest Toddler on the Block, Love and Logic, and 123 Magic all have good tips. But being consistent with whatever discipline you choose is very important.

.

I totally agree with Betsy. It is time to get proactive! Cal the regional center in your area and start there.......call Tuesday. Each day you wait the longer it will take to undo bad habits!! Learn and teach her ASL so she can learn to communicate more effectively. All her behaviors are learned activities that need to be turned around immediately. If the regional center can not help as them for a recommendation. Please don't wait any longer.

Penny Amic CEO/Clinical Director
Special Beginnings, INC
An Early Intervention Network

It is great she is getting some speech therapy. Have the doctors said why her speech is delayed? Did they check her ears yet? If not, have them checked. Until then, try to keep eye contact with her while the two of you speak. She will learn to read your lips and expressions.

Some of it is just because she is three. When you go out to eat, is it possible she is too tired? Kids don't do well tired. They don't have the same way of pushing that we do. When they are tired, it seems like their little brains short circuit and they can't act right. My daughter is five and still does it.

Even if she cant communicate, let her know that bad behavior will not be tolerated. But be sure to always acknowledge her good behavior.

Best wishes.

All great suggestions from previous contributors. It's also important that all of the adults in her life have a somewhat consistent way of dealing with her misbehavior. Come up with a simple and manageable plan for your live-in boyfriend and her caretakers, that your daughter also understands. Knowing the consequences that will firmly, and with love, be reinforced, also gives your daughter "safe" boundaries where her behavior is concerned. She'll try and buck you, but consistency is key and letting her know that you love her but not her behavior is important too. It won't change over night, and there will be struggles along the way, but keep at it.

Hello, First of all, as you said, your daughter is frustrated. Imagine how it is to try and tell someone something and they don't understand. Can she sign for things? I would encourage that while she is in speech therapy. When you take her out for dinner, explain that she will not be allowed to scream and yell, and that if she does, you will have to leave. When it starts, ask for her food (and your's) to be put into a "take out" container, and leave your boyfriend there to finish his food. When the containers come, he can bring them out to you and you and she will eat at home. I raised 4 kids, have 6 grandkids, and did licensed daycare for 15 years, as well as working in elementary education for 13. Believe me, they don't want to have to leave the restaurant. With my second child, I actually had to show him the lobby of each restaurant we went to and remind him that we could wait out there for the rest of the family if there was a problem. Once he got the message, we never had to do it again.
When her speech starts to come, she will be much easier to deal with. Is she is a special ed preschool? She probably would qualify. My 3 year old granddaughter has Down Syndrome and is a special ed preschool and it is free. It isn't daycare, but a daycare provider can take her and pick her up from there. She would learn positive behaviors there and they are trained to work with children with special needs. When her speech comes, she won't need it anymore.
Good luck with your precious little girl.
K. K.

I agree with the pediatrician suggestion, as it seems like there is some kind of frustration happening around communication. That being said, 3 can just be a tough time! Let yourself off the hook a little as well!f Here's some thoughts:
--See what is working or not working for the folks watching her during the day.
--Are there other kids there? She might do well to watch some peaceful peers in action.
--Talk with the caregivers, as you feeling guility is not a fun or productive scenario.
--She might be feeding off of your stress regarding her behavior. See if you can relax/delay/take a deep breath when you see her starting to get upset.
--See if there is a pattern to when she falls apart. Is it at a certain time of the day? When she's tired? Hungry? Overwhelmed? Shifting gears before she loses it can work better than when she has already started to crumble/misbehave.
-When she's heading toward misbehaviour, try redirecting her or changing the subject quickly.
-Another way to mix it up might be super empathy, ie: "You picked soething out for dinner, and now that it's here you don't want it. that must be disappointing. Want to sit with me while I eat?"

Hopefully before you know it, she'll be in a new phase and let go of some of these behaviours. Good luck and hang in there!

Some of it is just being 3. Some of it is behavioral. Some of it is probably due to frustration from not being able to communicate. Think about it - she understands a lot but since she has delayed speech, she doesn't have the words to tell you what she wants to say.

Just because a child has a strong will does not mean there is something wrong with them, and needs to be labeled. That said, look at your child's diet. If she is consuming food with artificial dyes, cut them out completely. They are an allergenic food, and the allergy manifests itself in behavioral problems. Also look into a gluten-free diet. Often wheat can be a trigger. Seriously. There are so many kids diagnosed with "disorders," and look at what most American parents are feeding them - not exactly nourishing foods.

Speech therapy may be a great deal of help to you both - at the least it will give her some tools to communicate with you.

Keep loving her, spend as much time as you can with her, and be really present when you are with her. You said you work, and someone else takes care of her - that makes the time that you have with her that much more valuable. Be proactive, not reactive.

I'm not sure if this will pertain to you if her speech delay is a bigger issue.

You don't list any discipline at all here, other than sending her to her room. This is SUPER mild to begin with and you obviously cant' do it when she acts up in public so it's inconsistent. If all you have ever done when she acts out is send her to her room, then heck yeah, it's completely normal she's acting this way.

If you can discipline her-meaning if her brain is functioning normally and she can comprehend discipline, then you need be much firmer with her when she does wrong things. Check out this book on Amazon and read a bit about it. It REALLY works. I've got 3 wonderfully well behaved happy kids under 5. But it takes absolutely consistent, totally calmly delivered, FIRM discipline. You can take charge, and your daughter will be much happier if you do-good luck! Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson.

Hi M.,
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this sensitive situation. Don't worry about what Julie said, she's obviously a nosy religious freak, who like to tell adults how to live their lives. Your NOT an immoral person, don't listen to someone who probably hates her own life.
Anyway, back onto the subject, it sounds like you need some help. Discipline may not help her if she doesn't understand what she is doing wrong.I don't know if the speech therapy she is going to start, is through the state, but I would contact to state and see what is available for your daughter. I know that they would send someone out to evaluate her. It takes a village to raise a child sometimes, so look into anything that could help her, do some research on the internet. There is always a reason for behavior, it might just be something deeper that you can't handle, she may need professional help.
Good luck and I hope you find peace for you and your baby.

Do you give her attention when she is in trouble? That can be a big red flag. If she is behaving badly, don't give her ANY attention. Just tell her than when she is a good girl, you will talk to her and stop all acknowledgment of her being there. Sounds harsh, but you can't reward her bad behavior with your attention. Reward good behavior.

What is your discipline? Sending her to her room isn't working, so do you do time outs? Taking toys away?

Stay calm no matter what happens. Kids totally read off their parents' emotions and moods.

Talk to your speech therapist about what's going on in your home. It may be that your daughter is delayed in other areas (such as comprehension) which is why she is having such a difficult time behaviorally.
If it's just that she's strong willed I would highly suggest the book 123 Magic. It's a pretty easy read and there are some great suggestions for dealing with behavior issues with younger children.

I agree with the moms who say you should seek out help from regional center. Your daughter may have more issues than just speech delay. My own son had speech delay and he is now 8-1/2. At 3 he was a big hitter and we had a lot of issues disciplining him. He was a very frustrated child. It turns out he had sensory issues and auditory processing disorder. He probably couldn't even understand what we were asking him to do. I'm grateful I sought help from therapists who specialize in developmental delay. If I had used traditional discipline it probably wouldn't have worked, and I'd have a very frustrated and angry child right now. Instead we found the issues, sought therapy and solutions, and now at 8-1/2 he is very well behaved and a happy child.

I feel for you and can understand a little about bad behavior. My son I noticed at 3 started but was a little delayed but once he started preschool he spoke well. We found out at 4 he has ADHD and anxiety and sensory deficient. You might want to talk to your ped about possiblities of Autism, ADHD, high functioning Aspergers or perhaps learning disorder. It doesn't help to rule out it all because those listed diagnosis come with behavior problems to the extreme. They say you need a strict routine for your child so even if she doesn't have any issues do you have a routine she can relay on? Hope you find help soon.

It sounds like your hands are full! Here is what I suggest:

*Take a parenting class with your boyfriend. Not because either of you is a failure or bad, but because it's normal to seek help from people who have worked something out, and there are people who understand the ins and outs of parenting better than others. (Full disclosure: It was recommended I take a parenting class when my son was in second or third grade. I let my ego stand in the way and didn't do it. It wasn't in his best interest, but that's how it went.) Check with your local school district and/or office of education to see what resources they offer.

*Don't go out to eat. You're not enjoying a meal out with her, and neither is anyone around you. If you do, go early or make sure she's had a healthy snack so she's not too hungry. (I'm 40 and can have a meltdown myself if it's been too long since I last ate.) Order her food immediately. She may just be too hungry by the time the adults decide what they want. Kids tend to eat more slowly than adults anyway, so this plan works out well for us *most* of the time.

*If she starts melting down in public or while visiting, calmly pack up and leave. Don't take it personally. Eventually she will learn how to stay and have a good time.

*If she starts melting down at home, send her to her room or a separate place until she's quiet (if we're upstairs, our daughter goes to her room... if downstairs, she goes into the hallway). Again, calmly, even if you have to fake it. (Once quiet, I'll set the timer. If she so much as peeps, I'll say, "Oh, that's too bad. When you're quiet I'll start it again, and you'll have to be quiet the whole time or we'll start over.) If you get too worked up, she'll feel it and things will just continue to escalate.

*If she's too frustrating, think of her as someone else's child for a moment. Sometimes it's just easier to be more patient when it's not your kid, and things go better when the adults put off a patient vibe.

*If necessary, have her evaluated for developmental issues. Again, your local school district or office of education can help with a referral or list of resources. So can her pediatrician.

I have a son with severe emotional and behavioral problems, and I feel for you. You can always message me if you want to chat.

Hi M.,
You are a great momma for caring. I wish motherhood had an instruction manual....I love Dr. Laura Markham's website www.ahaparenting.com
She gives great advice for challenges at all ages.
Best of Luck, Jilly

I feel your pain. It seems like my son skipped most of the terrible twos but came back with a vegeance with what I call the horrible threes. He also has a speech delay and since he was 2 1/2 was in individual speech therapy, provided thru the regional center where he was evaluated. As mentioned before, part of the work up for all speech delays has to have a hearing evaluation, as diagnosing and treating hearing problems can make a great difference in their speech. My son's hearing is fine. He got a complete evaluation from the regional center and apart from the speech delay, which we obviously knew about, was deemed to be a sensory seeker and was recommended to have occupational therapy added, so he was switched to a place called Pediatric Therapy Network for the last 2 months before his third birthday, and those 8-9 weeks there made a huge difference. He learned to sit down for activities, where before I would be exhausted from trying to make him hold still during every single toddler or mommy and me class we took. I was sorry he had to "graduate" (they only take kids up to age 3), but he was referred to the school district, where he got reevaluated by a psychologist, occupational therapist, and a speech therapist, and then we had an IEP, which is a meeting where a social worker, your counselor from the regional center if you have one, a psychologist, speech therapist, and occupational therapist from the school disctrict meet with the parents, review the results of their assessments, and based on that decide what type of class environment your child should be placed in. You can also take reports from any other people who have worked with or evaaluated your child, or even have those people assist the meeting and give their professional assessment. There are 3 types of classrooms and before the IEP you can have your social worker show you the 3 different classrooms where you would be potentially assigned, since you have a say in what is decided, since after all, it is your child, though you might not always get what you want, from what I've heard. We had a very positive experience. My son has been in the preschool special ed program since he turned 3 and continued with classes during the summer, called ESY, extended school year, and it has been amazing how the last 6 months have helped his speech. He went from a few 2-3 word sentences to 4-5 word sentences and his vocabulary has increased almost exponentially. He gets additional speech and occupational therapy thru the school district during school hours, (they consider every minute he is in school IS speech therapy, since the are enforcing speech in every activity) as well as an extra hour of OT (occupational therapy) per week, to help him burn some energy and get used to following orders or doing activities he doesn't like.
So bottom line, there is a long road ahead of you, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. There are things that have to be enforced by you at home and when you go out, explain limits and consequences, and all the other things people mentioned, but also talk to your pediatrician about all these concerns; although there are not many available, and depending on your insurance too, your pediatrician might be able to send you to a behavioral specialist for an evaluation, or if you have a PPO you can find one in your plan and do it yourself, and even if you don't have a PPO, nowadays you no longer need a referral for a psychologist with most insurances, you can look up who is contracted with your plan and call them directly, the more resources that you can find and use, the better at this point. I also would recommend going to the regional center. It is true that after age 3 the school district is the one in charge of providing all the services, BUT I believe there is an After 3 Intake at the regional center, and they might either evaluate her and refer her to the school district (they set up everything with them for you) or at the very least get you connected with the school district and have them go from there. Since this will take some time, by then she'll hopefully already be in speech therapy, and you'll have one more person who knows, works, and can advocate for your daughter, and work in conjunction with her teacher and/or speech therapist at school; if her vocabulary at almost 4 years is this limited, I would definitely fight to have speech therapy at school as well included in her IEP.
It will help her in many ways to go to preschool, which is just 2 1/2 hours a day, and interact with other kids, and she can even use the school bus to be picked up or dropped off at your sitters, as long as that person is within the district boundaries, so that it won't interfere with your work.
Good luck!

Obviously your daughter is unhappy. She also seems to be very frustrated by her inability to communicate what is troubling her. You as a working mom probably are tired when you come home and then have your attention divided between your daughter, your boyfriend and whatever activities (making dinner, grocery shopping, doing laundry etc.). I wouldn't call or refer to her as bad, nor would I think of myself as a bad mother. You mention sending her to her room doesn't work... if she is already feeling separated from you by your work schedule and your boyfriend and her inability to communicate on your level, sending her to her room will only reinforce that feeling of isolation and unimportance. Do you live in a community that has resources for you and your daughter? Both of you have needs that aren't being met. I was a single mom and had such a difficult time I thought I couldn't cope with one more thing. I too had a child that was challenging. I did get help. My son's school referred me to a wonderful counselor (no charge) who was able to give me valuable insight that changed how I viewed everything. When I made that 'shift', I then made different choices for myself and my son. Those different choices created a different reality for both of us. Good for you for reaching out to this supportive community of mothers. I wish the best for you and your daughter. love, D. R.

A few thinks I think will help. If she acts up at restaurants maybe you don't have sit down dinners at home and you can't expect her to know how to behave. Whenever you discipline her she may not always respond well, but communication is key. Let her know how you want her to behave don't forget to tell her how much you love her. Always!!! talk her her about her behavior. Tell her that you don't like to put her in timeout or in her room but that she needs to behave. Sometimes it may seem like they don't listen to you but trust me they do. I know it gets frustrating sometimes and you just want to yell... but hold back, go vent somewhere she cannot see you, can you imagine how scary it might be for a child to see her mom get frustrated or mad. My son who is now 4 started talking late as well. I think you should get her assessed and if she doesn't have a speech delay they will give you exercises to do with her. Oh and I don't know what your relationship is with your daughter, but do make sure you give her, her own time with you and it is not shared with anyone or anything (boyfriend, phone). Sometimes that is all they need. Patience and Persistence. Good luck!!!