Daughter's Friends

Just want to recommend a website: Markgregston.com. He has good insight and advice on raising teens.

If you know that she wasn't invited to a party that she thought she would be invited to, let her host something at your house, or have a girls day out.

M.

My kids have friends outside of school (children of old friends of mine, church friends, friends from the neighborhood who aren't in the same grade) and that has been a boon to the only one (of my kids) old enough to care.

Does she have any such relationships that you could foster?

It's hard. I think you want to be aware of what's going on, and supportive of your daughter- but also, you have to let her take the lead on how you deal with it.

There are ALWAYS going to be parties that not every kid is invited to, or a group of girls who are mean or into something your daughter isn't interested in. ALWAYS- from now through college! She has to learn that is doesn't always mean 'rejection'. Sometimes a mom can only afford to invite her daughter's 'best' friends to a party. Or sometimes other kids are just mean.

Encourage your daughter to make friends with other kids who share her interests. Around 3rd grade, girls seem to get VERY cliquey- former friends will break up because one is not in ballet class or gymnastics or horseback riding with the other. Everyone will find new people to hang out with and girls who were friends when they were little, won't be close anymore.

For a shy kid, this can be really hard. But talk to your daughter. If she has other close friends, invite them over. Encourage those friendships, and ask your daughter if there are any other 'new' friends or girls she might want to hang out with in her girl scout troop or class at school. Invite those 'new' friends over.

Above all, let your daughter know that YOU know she is smart, funny, cute and a great friend! If she can't figure out why her old group doesn't know that- just explain that sometimes people get caught up in something and just stop seeing all the good qualities in other people. But it isn't permanent and in Junior High, there will be a whole influx of NEW people to meet from other schools too.

This is tough, but it will just keep happening- be supportive, but don't treat it like the end of the world, or your daughter will just let it become too big a deal for her. Good luck!

Can you volunteer in some way at the school. I have always been invovled with our girls friendships by introducing them to people when we are inside the school, that has always worked and i always question them when they get home about conversations they have with the other children and give them advice on how to handle things but let me tell you that is still not enough to guard and protect our little ones. She will be fine just keep talking to her about whats going on and how she feels about it and suggest that she start some communication with the other children.

Hi M.,

How old is your daughter? If she is less than 10 try to have her start inviting her friends to her house for girls night. Some ideas of girl get-to-gethers could be Slumber parties, weekend picnics, biking, Wii or Playstation parties, etc. What my daughter does is mingle at school by getting phone numbers of her girlfriends and they talk on the phone for about 10 minutes or less and they say see you at school tomorrow or whatever. They really don't talk about much but what has happened at school that day. Homework days are cool too...maybe she can choose a day like a Wednesday out of the week or a day that is suitable for you to deal with some other kids in your home and they can do homework together. Make sure you have snacks available because they will be hungry when they get out of school.

You should also try to mingle with her by doing girl stuff like her hair and nails then have a talk with her to see why she is alone at recess and not invited to parties.

If she is close to a teenagers age than you might want to think about mall outings, or other cool places where teens like to go to have fun that is positive. I think if the other girls see your daughter as more than a loner they would start hanging with her more at school as well as away from school. Good luck!

Have you considered girl scouts? That may be a way to involve her with girls in a smaller setting and get to know them better. It also gives her some built-in activities to attend. My daughter also complained about not having many friends and this has been a good solution for her.

Good luck! It's hard to watch them be so sad about friendships.
J.

Do not let your child see this as something that bothers you. Kids are all different - some kids just have a magnetic personality and seem to draw people to themselves. Other kids seem to repel people. But most kids are somewhere on the spectrum in-between. It has to do with personality - talkativeness, bossyness/passiveness, shy vs. bold, etc. Any personality trait that is too extreme tends to be avoided by others.

You don't say how old she is - but to this day my now 14 year old daughter has never been part of a pack of girls. She usually has one good friend and a very few on the fringe. She was never invited to many parties but she rarely knew about them. The one really tough situation I recall was in 5th grade when we invted about 6-8 kids to our house on the last day of school for a pool party, they all accepted, and then later all but 1 backed out when a more popular kid was having a beach party that my daugher was not invited to. She was heart broken - and I think the parents all showed really poor judgement & guidence allowing their kids to back out a day before the party. But that was a tough life lesson and life, unfortuantely, will have other disappointments.
I know my daughter can be abrasive - her personality is very similar to my husband's sister's. I truly believe we inherit personality traits - but we are then responsible to learn or not learn how to adjust them. I can understand why she has a tough time with friends - but she is learning - through trial and error how to be a friend, to not always say what you think, etc. I used bad parenting approaches early on - I was a little tough on her thinking that she needed me to help sand off the rough edges when she really needed me to love her unconditionally, to spend time with her, etc. The positive of this is that I got to spend a lot of time with my girl in her grade school and middle school years that a lot of moms don't. Now that she's in HS and is never around I can appreciate those times with her that most of my friends did not have with their kids as they were already off with their friends.
She will eventually find her niche.

But be warned, middle school can be really tough. The girls can be viscous. My daughter had to beg me to take her to a counelor and it was the best thing we ever did. I went to middle school in the 70s - and girls could be mean, but not downright evil as they can be now. My daughter needed to learn how to deal with them and respond, or not, to them. It cost a fortune, and we still spend money on it and have to make some sacrifices - but if she needed medical attention we would do it. If you get tot this point with your child in the future, find a counselor who shares your values and world view (e.g. I am a conservative Christian so it's important that the counselor has these same values that I would not expect to come from a humanist or atheist.)

You don't say how old your child is - but you just need to keep your eye on it and make sure your daughter knows how important she is to you, and how loved she is.

Host some things at your house now that the holidays are coming -- it would be easy to organize a pumpkin carving or costume dayparty. With Thanksgiving you could do a picnic at the park, or playdates with some to get closer. She can also help you plan these and their guestlists so you can see who she would like to cultivate friendships with and who she would rather just be classroom buds with. She can lead and you can watch:)

How old is your daughter?
Does she have friends through activities, sports, church, etc?
Can you arrange for a pal to come to your house & play?

It's sad when someone doesn't get invited to a party but parents DO have to draw the line somewhere--I usually suggest that my son invites ALL of the boys from his class, so not to exclude anyone.
Plus he adds the kids from baseball, pre-school, nursery school, etc!

Kids IF with special needs or appear differently to other kids do need support of the school and the parent if THIS were the case. Kids should accept one another but instead include and exclude others from their group. Our child is in a similar boat too so I commiserate with you and your feelings. If your child is happy being alone more than with others then must learn the reason and or accept it. If it is a lack of Social Skills sometimes based upon the child's age different schools offer Social Skills training in an IEP. The key is what really interests your child the most and work with that. Maybe is interested in plants they could join a gardening club along with you and then maybe one of the parents might introduce their child or relative to yours. Does She have a hobby? She could spend more time on that and tell other kids about her hobby and maybe one or more would mention they have the same hobby and that could be a start of a friendship too. How old is the child? Do they have any special needs? We are thrilled when our child says there is a girl She wants to invite to play. Unfortunately it seems to fizz out. We ask the child where does her new acquantence live, to get a last name and or phone number so a playdate could be set up. But almost never happens so what is parent to do? Am I supposed to ride the bus with the child so she can point out which child is interested in spending time with her. Again there is only so much a parent CAN do!