Daughter Hates Me?:(

She's what, 3 yrs old? You are probably the parent that enforces the rules while daddy is the "fun" parent.

Really, you need to learn to not take it personally. She doesn't know what "hate" is. When you answer,"That's not a nice thing to say" or "don't scream at me" while showing you are not upset AND not giving her extra attention, she'll stop saying it.

Good luck.

Take out the emotionally charged "I hate you" from the equation. What you really need to deal with is the fact that she screams in your face. You need to pick her up and deposit her into her room and shut the door. Leave her there for at least 15 minutes.

I know that's longer than a regular time out. It needs to be. Don't let her out until she is no longer screaming and is acting remorseful for having misbehaved. THIS is when you have strict talks with her about her screaming in your face. If you do this every single time she does it, she will get the point that not only will you put her in her room when she does it, you also will NEVER give her what she wants when she does it.

She is using her words to control you, mom. If she were yelling "No! I don't want to!" or "Give me a cookie!" to you, you'd treat her differently for the offense than you are right now. She is counting on it, too. Don't treat it any differently. Nip this screaming in the face thing in the bud.

Good luck.

First off, when she's out of control you have to clamp down on your emotional reaction to her otherwise you'll both be out of control.
She's a child - you have to be the adult - and when she's through ranting and Dad's come home, you go have a relaxing bath with a glass of wine so you can unwind.
Try not to take what she says personally.
I don't care what she's saying at the time but she should not be screaming anything into anyone's face.
When she pulls that trick - she can go to her room and scream till she's hoarse but she's not coming out till the screaming is over.
When my son was about 3, and pitched a fit, I'd grab him round his waist and haul him off to his room.
After a few rounds of this, he got to a point where he'd go to his room on his own when he felt a screaming session coming on.
Dad would come home and ask "What's all the racket about?" and I'd tell him "I don't know but he's in his room till he's done doing it" - which was fine by Dad.
If Dad ever saw our son being rude to me, he'd insist child apologize to me (and I'd do the same favor for Dad).
Gradually the meltdowns decreased, got shorter and eventually went away for good.
By 4 yrs old, he was over it.
Do not be afraid to expect and demand some simple manners.

My girlfriend's daughter did this for a while. She's getting better about not saying it at all. She's trying to get a rise out of you and it's for attention. She doesn't really hate you. I had to tell my girlfriend this as well. She wants that attention and even if it's negative, she is wanting it for some reason. So I would be asking her if she knows what it means. Our five year old did know but she was also seeing disrespect from others as well and was thinking it was okay. But as much as it hurts, I would do the follow through to time out-one minute to each year. Tell her like Marie C. had said. After a while of the time outs, she'll get tired of it. My girlfriend's daughter definitely is.

All kids go through this phase of preferring one parent over the other. It doesn't last but it's understandably painful to go through. Remember that most babies seem to prefer their mothers, and the fathers feel left out or incompetent or non-nurturing.

It's always painful when they've learned the word "hate" - try not to use it in your own home (I hate traffic, I hate asparagus) but that's not the full solution by any means.

As was said below, she's learning to be independent and to assert a certain amount of control over her situation. She gets a reaction from you and more attention, and she gets an extra "I love you" too. She's also learning to use words and she doesn't have a big enough vocabulary to express her frustrations, anger, needs, wants, or exhaustion. So your first task is to teach her not to scream - about anything, unless she is truly injured or frightened by a nightmare. As she escalates, you have to get calmer. Just say you can't understand her when she is screaming. It's okay to help her form sentences to express her sadness or frustration if you know the cause: I know you are sad that we have to leave the park; I know you don't want to turn off the TV. If she calms down, praise her for using her regular words and her "inside voice."

If she doesn't calm down, then she needs to be separated from you. What she wants is attention, so don't reward the screaming by giving her more. The consequences of screaming are isolation. Put her in her room and quietly tell her she's to stay there until she feels well enough to stop screaming. Tell her you don't listen to screaming and yelling, only to talking. Don't engage in a long discourse - just say each thing once and be done with it. If she can get out of her room, put one of those child-proof doorknob covers on so she can't turn it. If she's in the car, pull the car over, get out, stand away from the car but where she can still see you (and where passersby can see that you haven't left a child unattended), and read a book! No kidding - I kept a magazine and a book of crossword puzzles in the car for unexpected waits and unexpected tantrums. Go back to the car in 5 minutes and say "Oh good, you've stopped screaming, now we can finish our drive." If she's still at it, say, "I don't listen to screaming, so I'm going to stand over there until you are done."

She doesn't hate you. She heard the expression and she's ticked off about something, anything - like all kids. So she uses screaming to get out her frustration and get more attention.

Try, as hard as it is, not to make this about your husband vs. you. Believe me, that's not what it is. And it won't last.

Your daughter is still very little, correct? That means that she doesn't have the same vocabulary that you have to explain what she's feeling. When you discipline her, "I hate you!" means a lot of different things.

"I'm angry with you!"
"I'm disappointed!"
"I'm tired and grumpy!"
"I'm hungry and tired and need a snack and a nap!"
"I wish you had said yes!"
"You were supposed to agree with me!"
"I wanted that toy!"
"I wanted dessert before supper!"
"I needed _____ but didn't get it!"
"I wanted _____ but didn't get it!"

So what you have to do is go through your child's needs versus her wants. Are all of her needs met? Fed? Watered? Toileted? Napped? Are her clothes comfortable? Are her immediate emotional needs being met? Does she have any injuries that need attention? If what's going on is NEED BASED then her behavior could be out of her control. So what you do here is address her needs right away. After her needs are addressed you can then address the behaviors. She'll need firm correction and a reminder that we don't speak to people that way with a warning that she'll have _____ <----- [consequence here] if she does it again [then you follow through].

If she's fine then there must be a WANT that she's disappointed or upset about, and that means that her behavior can be controlled. You can address her behaviors immediately. Correct her immediately. She gets one warning including the expected appropriate behavior and what the consequence will be if she doesn't comply, and then follow through the next time she does it (in the same day). A new day starts it all over again with the warnings.

Now, as to why she'll say she hates you and not your husband? It could be because he's the fun parent. It could be because she trusts you so very much that she knows she can say anything at all and you'll love her no matter what she says or does. It's actually a normal phase and is a positive sign of your loving parenting.

How old is she? If she is a preschooler or younger (which I'm assuming for the rest of my post.)I would wonder where she even picked that up, and try to cut that influence out. Hate is a very strong word, and if she is watching shows or around people who say that they hate each other she is not learning very positive things. (Of course, sometimes they do pick these things up in random places and run with it... So don't go crazy trying to figure it out if there isn't an obvious source.)

It could very well be that she is trying to get a rise out of you. How do you react, other than telling her its not nice? If she gets ANY extra attention -even negative- out of it then she has accomplished her goal. Instead of trying to counteract her behavior, I would try something else. Maybe, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but it's not nice to yell at Mommy. You can sit in your room until you can act nice." (Then follow through with time out.)

I can guarantee that she doesn't truly hate you. You are Mommy... Children are programmed to love Mommy no matter what. It is normal for young kids to play favorites... My 3 yo DD has finally started warming back up to her dad, who she has wanted NOTHING to do with for the last few months. I tried telling him that it is normal, and nothing personal against him, but it still hurt him. Now she is starting to change sides, and Mommy is the one being shunned. Lol.

I am guessing that you are the one who enforces the rules. It is a normal stage and you will hear it again. Maybe try to reinforce that we don't use the "hate" because it is a mean word and we are not mean people. Also tell her that its ok if she hates you because that just means that you are doing your job as her mom.

My 3 year old clings to me like crazy and throws fits when daddy tries to hold her hand to cross the parking lot at the store, but I support him and tell her that he said to do it, so she has to. She may ask if she can hold mommy's hand instead, but only after she does what daddy said. Can you ask your husband to help support you and reinforce that you two are a TEAM and that when she talks like that to you she is talking like to HIS WIFE. that is a big thing here, it isn't about me being their mommy, it is about me being his wife, and as such, if the kids respect him, then they have to respect me. It truly has nothing with me as the mom. I do the same thing for him. It sounds like daddy needs to get on board, so maybe when the kids aren't around talk to him and ask him to help stand up for you.

Remember mom, its just a phase, and it means that you are enforcing rules that she doesn't necessarily like, but that is good for her in the long term, and you know that. We've been there, and yes, it hurts, but at least you know in 30 years she'll tell you thank you for being a good and consistent mom.

You don't mention her age. I'm going to guess that you are talking about a preschooler, which is very different than when a teen does it. She's discovered a word that pushes your buttons and she's using it. She doesn't really hate you or know what hate means. She just heard the word and knows you use it when you don't like something or are angry. Teach her to use other words, to say, "You made me angry" or "I don't like having to leave the park" and then when she uses these phrases instead of screaming "I hate you!" praise her for using her words and talk about her feelings. Show her that screaming "I hate you!" in your face will earn her a trip to the timeout chair facing the wall. Don't talk to her when you take her there, just silently bring her.
Also, try to figure out where she's hearing this word. If it's from a tv show, maybe she is too young for that show. If you're saying it at home (even if just to say, "I hate when we run out of milk"), stop. Good luck!

The first thing you need to do is stop taking it personally. It just words, and she doesn't mean it. My 11 yr old DD has spoken those words to me since she was a preschooler. At first it was devastating to hear, but I've grown numb to it. She says it out of anger, and she's angry with me most of the time. My response to it is "You may hate me, but I'll always love you" and sometimes I'll say "probably so".

Check out the Love and Logic program. It works wonders when used correctly and consistently.

My son was about 4 and one day he told me he hated me. I turned around and looked right at him and told him I hated him back in the same tone. In fact, he was surprised and shocked that I said it to him. He never said he hated me again. It nipped it in the bud before it got to your stage.

Each child is different but do find out where he learned the word so that you can correct it and not have your feelings hurt.

the other S.

Ask her if she knows what that words means. Once she has a clear definition of the word "hate" ask her why she applies it to you.

There is an emotional component to this type of situation that makes the parent on the receiving end flip out.... which adds fuel to the fire.

I see a couple things.....

1. This is about manners and communication with words. If she started dropping the F bomb, that would not be ok. The F word is just a word, but our society has attached an unacceptable connotation to it.... so most people "teach" their kids not to swear. Your job as a mom is to "teach" her how to communicate and this is an example of that. using expressions like "I HATE YOU", when she doesn't and is just trying to "get something" by saying that is not an acceptable form of communication at ANY age, so you just tell her that she cannot use that kind of phrase in family.

2. This is also about respect. Does your husband treat you respectfully? Do YOU treat YOURSELF respectfully? Where has she gotten the idea that it's ok to treat you this way? It's normal for a child to prefer one parent, but it's not normal for a child to mistreat the other parent.

3. What does your husband think about that behavior? Does he laugh and think it's cute? HE should be a united front with you that her behavior is not acceptable.