My Son Says He "Hates Me So Much."

One of the kids that I nanny said that to me one time because I wouldn't give in to her demands. I responded with, "Well that sucks, because I love you!"

It seemed to work. At least I haven't heard it again.

Phases and kids are hard.
Even if that phase lasts only a couple of days, or even just once.

When/if my son has said that to me... I tell him "But I love you, you know that... no matter what. Mommy gets upset too, sometimes, and I say things in error. But I love you."
And he does know.
He knows, he is being a grumpy-troll, but at the time, he spouts that off. He knows it is an "error" and bad use of vocabulary.
Then he will give me a hug... and is remorseful. But not because I made him feel remorseful... but because I trust him and still love him despite.
I always tell my kids, "moods" don't make us love each other less.

You got a lot of great advice and yes this is normal around this age.

One thing I will add is that it's important to find a way to respond to him, use the same line every time this happens, make it firm and quick.

This is so very normal! My 9 yo grandson will still sometimes say he hates me when he can't have his own way. At 5 your son is still learning how to express his feelings. He's angry and the meanest thing he can think of to say is I hate you. With my grandson, I respond with, yes, I know you're angry with me right now. And in 30 minutes to an hour later he'll come tell me he loves me.

He doesn't hate you. He's just angry and frustrated. He's feeling hateful and out come those words. As he becomes more proficient in understanding his feelings and more verbal in ways of expressing them the I hate yous will decrease.

If your kids don't 'hate' you every couple of years --- you are not doing your job.

Next time he says something like that stop whatever you are doing and grab him firmly by the shoulders -- get right into to his face -- and say "I am your Mom and I love you and because I love you -- you need to do what I say because it is for the best." You can also add I understand you are upset right now but you still have to do this. Later, do not let him squirm out of 'the talk', but explain to him in our family we do not say hurtful things to each other. Explain to him it's perfectly okay to say I'm mad and I don't want to but many times Mommy and Daddy have to do things they don't want to do either. Something like some days I would rather stay home from work and play with you or take you to the park but I have to go to work.

What a trial! However, don't let him get the best of you. He says it to YOU instead of your husband because he sees that it gives you pause, it hurts your feelings, it changes the dynamics, and he thinks perhaps that it might get him what he wants. When it doesn't, he won't stop.

He's pushing your buttons. You have to not let this BE a button for you anymore.

The tantrums need to be handled fast and hard. Every single day, tell him what the plan of the day is. Make it fairly straight forward and simple. Then give him a 5 minute heads up for when you are getting ready to change what you're doing. If you have a 5 minute timer, use it so that he learns how long 5 minutes is.

If he starts to tantrum, remind him ONCE that his 5 minutes are up. He will test you by having a tantrum anyway. If you are away from home, carry him to the car and strap him up. Shut the door and stand outside of the car and ignore him until he stops this. Open the door and ask him if he is done. If he starts the "I hate you" stuff again, shut the door and ignore him for at LEAST 5 minutes. Try again - "Are you done?" and don't go anywhere with him until he shows some remorse. If I were you, and I know that not everyone agrees with this, but I think some children really need this, I would require him to apologize for his tantrum and bad behavior. I would not budge from this spot no matter how long it takes him to change his belligerent behavior.

You are being too soft with him. No more telling him that he makes you sad. He likes this. Look, he's five. He doesn't understand that what he is saying cuts you to the heart. All he knows is that he's getting a rise out of Mommy and it WORKS for him. You have to give him a reason to no longer say it. Keeping him strapped in his carseat, keeping him in time out in his room at home, that kind of thing, is what you need to do. If he blows a half hour, 45 minutes, an hour on his tantrum and all the screaming in his room or in the car, then he misses out on what was planned for that period of time.

One thing you should always do is having meals and snacks at the same time every day. Always have a snack with you. Low blood sugar can trigger a tantrum in a lot of children. He's probably not taking naps anymore, but you need to make sure that he goes to bed at the same time EVERY night and that he gets up at the same time every morning.

I would not call him to you to come to bath. That's just asking for failure at this age. You need to go get him. Do toy pickup every time you transition between activities. Turn on the timer to 5 minutes and say "When the timer goes off in 5 minutes, it will be time to clean up before your bath. We'll sing the clean up song too". Then that gets him in the mindset of being done with toys and ready for bath. I'd get him in the bathroom with you before turning on the water, and give him a book and tell him to tell you a story. That takes away some of the pressure to argue with mom. He'll hopefully forget that he didn't want the bath and get into the story. By the time he's done with telling you the "story", the bathwater will be ready.

So... consistent day schedule. Consistent sleep schedule. Snacks like clockwork, especially if you are out of the house (plan ahead). Be organized! Timer between every activity after you've told him the day schedule beforehand. No nonsense approach to misbehavior. Never let him see you sweat, and stop being upset when he says something ugly. Instead, give him quick and HARD consequence. When he is stuck in his carseat or his room and cannot come out because of it, he will finally stop.

You must not let a 5 year old rule the roost. You must be THE MOM. And that means being tough.

Sending you strength~
Dawn

I know it breaks your heart. You have to just remember at this age, they don't know what to do with big feelings yet. I just tell my kids that when they say something hurtful like that " Ouch, wow it looks like you are really angry with me. Your angry because I didn't allow you to buy candy from the machine. Is that right? Your upset that you can't have that candy that you want. You want the candy. I understand. Its ok to have your feelings and be so angry with mommy, but its not ok to say hurtful things. When you say you hate me, that hurts. Lets instead say I am so mad with you Mom when you are angry. Ok? " This works really well for any scenario and it diffuses the situation quickly.

I don't think anything abnormal is going on, he is just learning how to be mad and well the delivery of his method hurt you. Hang in there!

I read this question because my first thought was, "I wonder if her son is 5?" Lol--I have a 5 year old who just started saying this too. And she has called me an idiot several times this week too I realized she heard that on Monsters Inc. (I'm pretty sure that was the movie). Hope it gets better for both if us! ;)

I haven't experienced it yet but I'm sure it hurt so much!!

He's heard it said. It was the most powerful expression he could think of. You can correct him and say, "We don't yell we hate people we love, but you can tell me that you're mad at me." He's mad and that is acceptable, but how he's expressing it isn't. You can talk to him about it when its right, sooner the better.

When he says that, it means he's mad - and he wants you to feel as mad as he is.
Try not to take it personally.
They all go through a stage like this one way or another.
He's testing the boundaries - he's going to be mad at anyone who tried to rein him in.
Give him more than a few hours to clam down - more like next day - before you talk to him about words hurting feelings.
Also - recognize when there are likely to be trigger points - when he's hungry and/or tired - and try to arrange things so that he has a meal before playground time instead of the other way around.
Managed like that as much as you can and he'll have fewer melt downs.
Do NOT let his outbursts get to you!
If Dad can handle bath and bedtime the rest of the week - let him - till child asks for you again - take a break.
Put your reaction aside till later and deal with the hungry/tired meltdown as unemotionally as possible.
Sometimes when my son had a fit (he was about kindergarten age) I'd tell him I don't enjoy enforcing the rules but if I let him run around like a wild man I would not be doing him any favors - so like it or not - shape UP and BEHAVE yourself.
He'd get over it fairly quickly.
He will out grow it eventually.

It's not easy to hear, but it really is just his way of saying he's upset at not getting what he wants. He's hoping that by saying it, you want him to take it back so badly that you are willing to change your mind just to hear him say, "I love you."

Sometimes I tell my son that I know he's disappointed, but that he needs to find other ways to express his frustration. Sometimes I just calmly say, "I know," and continue with whatever we're doing. Sometimes I just say, "I'm sorry you feel that way."

There really is no easy way for us to respond, is there? The truth is, it really hurts when they say this. But it's really important not to get upset (at least not in front of them). It's good to tell them that what they said/did is not ok, but calmly. We cannot show that it effects us, or they will remember this and use it to their advantage.

Hang in there! He really does love you. He's just disappointed he didn't get what he wanted.

He's testing new boundaries.

It's normal. Kids don't always have all the words they need to describe what they feel. Any strong "negative" emotion, such as anger, they will identify as hate. He doesn't hate you, he's just angry that he didn't get what he wanted.

I'm pretty sure you will love the wonderful book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. It's loaded with workable techniques that are respectful of both parent and child, and you can apply what you've read by the end of each short chapter. It will help you establish clearer boundaries on what's acceptable to say, and what's not. It will help you and your son feel more like a team. Work on this communication while he's NOT upset or angry to help establish a healthier pattern that you can lean on when feelings are running hot.

My grandson (just 7) is generally a sweetheart, but he made a gesture toward me last week that I'm sure he saw or heard on screen or at school. He thought it was amusing, maybe even empowering, but it looked rude and aggressive. I instantly but calmly informed him that I will not accept that behavior from somebody I love so much. Period. I was very matter-of-fact about it, but not angry or hurt. He apologized and has not repeated the gesture since. (We're usually a great team, thanks in large part to that fabulous book.)

You may not get as quick an apology from your son, but instead of acting hurt, you could tell him firmly that kind of statement is out of bounds. Give him alternate language to use instead, like, "I am SO VERY ANGRY at you right now!"

Kids do have a right to honest feelings, and his frustration is quite normal. But they do not have a right to manipulate, and he's just reaching the age where he'll try it in various new ways. If he continues using that language, send him to his room until he can say something kinder.

Your son doesn't hate you; he's just mad. He sees/hears that his words hurt. Don't give him that power. He needs and loves you deeply, and feels safe enough in your love to express his anger. He's got years of experimenting with relationships ahead of him, and not all of his experiments will be successful. Don't let him get you on this. I'm sure you know what it's like to feel that angry/frustrated, but you've had a lifetime to learn more constructive ways to communicate. Help your son learn them, too.

Wishing you both the best!

Oh honey, brace yourself 'cuz this ain't nothin'. Wait til those teenage years and hormones kick in. This is normal, at 5 they are testing their boundaries, discovering new words, new feelings. You have to keep it in perspective. He is the child, doesn't mean it, he is too young to really know what HATE really means. Just tell him, well, I'm sorry you feel that way, but I love you and we will talk about it when you calm down. Also, teach him that hate, is a powerful word and shouldn't be used unless he means it. Explain what hate means and ask if he'd like it if you said it to him. You know the saying...you've got to love your kids the most when they are at their worst. Good luck!

Every time he says I hate you, just say "I love you" but I don't like what you're doing right now. At 5 years old, he doesn't mean it...they're just words said in anger.

Welcome to motherhood. If I had a dime for everytime .... sadly, I would be a rich woman.
Stay strong mama. This is him discovering his voice, and trying to push the limits. Trying to see what he can do or say that will get to you enough that you will stop the punishment and give him his way. Stay strong.

When my kids pull out the 'hate' phrase. I look at them and say, 'Hate is a hurtful word. I would never say that to you. I would never hate you'.

It's okay to cry. It's okay to cry in front of your son. His words hurt you. He needs to see that words can hurt.

My kids are 6 and 11. A few weeks ago I met my son at the bus so that we could go to an appt. He didn't want to go because he wanted to play video games with friends. He had to go. I got the 'I hate you, you ruin everything' mantra. Walking in to the house, I was getting mad. I tried to keep control. I let him have his few minutes of ranting, and went about my business of finishing up what I needed to so that we could leave for the appt. I could hear him stomping around the house.

After a few minutes, he comes down and says in a spitfire way, 'so your not gonna ask about my day? you don't care that I had a good day in gym class?'
Me: Nope.
Him: What?
Me: Normally I would love to hear about your day, but when you greet me like how you just greeted me? Like I don't matter? Like I'm that last person you want to be around? NOPE. I DON'T CARE.
Him: *blink*. But you're my Mom, you're supposed to care.
Me: Yep. I am, and if you'd greeted me like I mattered? I would. I would love to hear about your awesome day. If you had gotten off the bus and greated me with that? I would've loved to stand there and hear the story, but this? I don't do this. When you are ready to treat me with respect? I'll care. Now get in the car!

We got in the car, we rode in silence. Just us and the radio.After about 10 mins, ...
Him: "Mom",
Me: yes?
Him: "I'm sorry".
Me: Okay. (long pause) Should we start over?
Him: Yes.
Me: Hi! *smile*. So, how was your day?
Him: It was great! We were playing basketball in gym and I made this really awesome shot!
...

Stay strong mama.

Edit: I just read Wild Woman's response and it reminded me of our 'Bad Mom' argument. I got the whole 'I hate you, I wish you weren't my mom' argument. My response was well you can have a different my, but it has to be a family member. Let's see.
Your choices are Aunt A, but she lives with Grandma and you'd have to follow Grandma's rules. There is Aunt K, you'd be alone alot.
There is Aunt C - you'd have to share a room with your cousin. There is Aunt D - you'd have to leave the state, never see your Dad, AND share a bathroom with 3 girls, but hey, you wouldn't have me as a mom... So just take your pick, I'll call and let them know you'll be on your way'.
Those are my choices? I don't want to live with them. I like my school. I like my room. I don't want to live with 3 girls.
Sorry, you don't want me so pick one.
I don't want to.
So, you're staying?
*pout*, YES ....went back to his room.

ooh I.! I'm sorry!! I know how much it hurts to hear your own child say he/she hates you. Unfortunately, it's normal. And if you don't hear it? You aren't doing your job!!

My soon-to-be 13 year old told me two weeks ago - I was the WORST mommy in the WORLD. He hated me - wanted to go live with my sister!!!! And I was causing him "undue" stress? Why? because I am holding him accountable for his homework! He MUST get his homework done before games. And that includes violin practice...yes, it hurt to hear that. However, it happens.

When he says he "HATES" you? He really doesn't know "hate" he is MAD. He is upset. You need to stay calm and not feed into it. Stay matter of fact. "John, I'm sorry you are upset and angry with me. These are the rules. it is bedtime and we need to get this done. The faster we get it done, the faster you can get back to what it is you want to do."

The minute you CAVE and let him stay up - he KNOWS he can "win" a battle. If you want to allow him to EARN extra time to stay up later - fine. Tell him what he can do to earn an extra 15 minutes MORE.

DO NOT punish him for his words. CALMLY talk to him about the house rules and while he is upset, he still needs to be respectful and use his words to tell you how he feels.

Good luck, mama!! I know it's hard.

My Mom gave me the best advice on. Her comment is to not get upset (easier said than done) because the kids don't know what they are saying at that age. He is upset and letting you know, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He is upset that he isn't getting his way and is acting out. Not ok to talk that way, and you are right to not let him and to take your own breather away from it. Like the previous poster I think if they don't dislike you every now and then that you aren't doing your job - just surprising how early it starts.

my daughter (who will be 6 next month) does it too. i just tell her ok thats fine and to go sit in her room till she is ready to listen and talk about it. i then bluntly tell her that its not ok to say things and that it hurts me when she does. if she doesnt pay attention and acts up its back to her room. later on when she wants something i just remind her about her earlier behavior and that she will not get rewarded when she does hurtful things.

she has even told me to move out of the house! (something she hears my soon to be ex husband say). its very hard to deal with but i stand firm and i dont tolerate it. i make her apologize for her behaivior (nicely it cant be angry). she knows what she says is wrong and not ok. i have litterally walked her out of a store kicking and screaming that i was hurting her because i had a firm grip around her wrist (so she couldnt get loose and run) and she was throwing herself all over causing herself discomfort. when we got to the car i gave her a swift swat put her in her seat took her home and put her in her room where she screamed for an hour and a half before she decided she was done and was ready to talk. she has only had one other time where i have had to leave a store with her like that. i hold my child to a high (but not unreachable) standard of behaivor.

i think its a phase they hear us say things like oh i hate _____ soo much or i hate when _____ happens. they are dealing with very complex emotions at this age and its hard for them to learn to control them (shoot theres adults that cant control them). just hang in there and be consistant. you can even be a little firmer with him.

Exactly what Peg M said. He is very very angry right now and in his world that is 'hate'. It does not carry the same connotations for him that it does for adults. I would help him with what words he can use (I am very very angry for example). I would NEVER punish a child for having strong feelings. All it teaches him is you don't love him when he is feeling bad. That is the time he needs his parents most. As for the not wanting to talk about it once it is over - my son was like that too. I think he just didn't see the point of talking about how he felt an hour ago when he didn't feel that way anymore. I don't think 5 year olds are terribly introspective.

Kids always say that to their parents when they don't get their way. Or most kids anyway. Don't let it hurt your feelings. They will love you immensely later on when you stick to your guns and give them boundaries. Boundaries are really important and without them eventually they may really hate you or don't respect you because they end up with no discipline and can't handle authority.

N.

I would nip this quick! No child is allowed to say such things. It is disrespectful. It is perfectly fine to be disappointed about something but it is not fine to be mean and hurtful. I would double any punishment he would normally receive for being disobedient.

This is based on a book that I was referred to, sorry to say I don't recall the name of it, but the jist of is was about a mother & here daughter using a fence, but you can go to the paint/hardware store and ask them for a paint stirrer, get some short, thin nails and nail it somewhere either in you garage or on another piece of wood (one nail on each end). Every time he says something mean to you have him help you put a nail in the wood, explaining to him as best you can that this is kind of like what his words feel like to your heart and at the end of the week pull the nails out.

When you have pulled the last of the nails out ask him to hold the piece of wood up to the sun so he can see the holes it has left w/the light shining thru and explain that although we may not mean things that we say, they do hurt and can leave a mark in us but that if we try to act differently and talk things out they can mend. I know that this seems kind of deep for a 5 yr old, but I did w/my oldest when she was around 4 & I just broke it down as best I could so she could understand.

We have to realize that our children don't like being called on things and yes they won't want to talk about things, but that's all the more reason to try to speak w/him as gently as possible. Just beware, for a few days there I thought my daughter was really enjoying using the hammer & saying things intentionally ;)

My 3-year-old sings "I hate you in the morning, I hate you in the night..." changing the words of that song. He says he hates me a lot.

My 6-year-old recently wrote me a note saying he hated me. And he wants to find a different house to live in.

Well, I hate these phases. The thing is, the kids always are upset about something. Yes, they have to take baths or go to school, or do homework. Sorry. That's how it is. But they seem to hate to do anything at all that's not just fun and games. Ug!